What depresses me...
..is not just that there's so many horrible stories on here but that most of the perpetrators, if asked, would have probably said they were a "great" parent.
(Big D, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 16:40, Reply)

terrible parenting
My mother who loved to boast to us that she was was an ophthalmic nurse, which probably doesn't even exist any more, never noticed that my sister was virtually blind and went through school memorising by ear. When my sister was 16 a school eye test found how blind she was, almost completely gone in one eye and mininal in the other. The optician who saw her for glasses couldn't believe that shehad got accross the road for so many years without being killed. My mother's response when my sister used to tell her she couldn't see something " You're just not looking properly, you stupid child" She also didn't notice we were abused by our paternal grandfather every time we went to visit, and made us stay with the grandparents every for a week of toture every summer. If one of us were murdered in front of her she probably wouldn't have interfered.
(cherrypie, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 16:33, Reply)

Weak compared to others here.
But my cousin really shouldn't be a mother. Her kids are fairly lovely though.
Her daughter, a bubbly 15 year old, is barely 4 feet tall. Why? Because her mother's had her on a diet from the age of 6 and has managed to stunt her growth. And I wish I was kidding.
When her daughter was around 8 or so, I went out to dinner with my cousin and her family at one of those all you can eat places. After wolfing down the few lettuce leaves her mother had put on her plate, she said she was still hungry. My cousin ignored her, so I took her to get something more to eat.
Nearly had my ears torn off from being lectured on how I was getting her daughter fat.
Yeah. Great parenting skills there.

It gets better though...

She has a son too. After the aforementioned dinner/hell, we went back to my cousin's house. Son is about 3 at the time, and as we were leaving, he ran out of the house. Pitch black outside, and off he goes into the street. Did my cousin go get him, or even watch him? Did she fuck.
Eventually pulled up the wandering toddler a few houses down and brought him back.
Did she at least thank me? Pfft, yeah right.

I said one thing to my cousin, and it's the last thing I've ever said to her.

"You're an unfit mother."

...Yeah, I don't like my family so much.
( is0lati0n, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 15:47, Reply)

names
I would much rather be called Caleb than...

... wait for it...

... Ocean-Daniella

Oh yes.

Further proof that breeding really should be licensed...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 15:43, Reply)

Caleb
is, I will admit, not an offensive name at all. It's just when you name all three sons after inbred characters from "Cold Comfort Farm" (or similar), and then have a scary lack of imagination when it comes to your daughters, that it gets too much...
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 15:28, Reply)

goddam you greencloud
i am going to be singing those songs all bloody day. inside my head so i don't get arrested.

just seen two clients where the son made his big, beefy father cry by being in so much debt that his dad is having to take out a mortgage to help him. does that count?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 15:26, Reply)

Bilbo
My boss once punched a guy out for saying that "Hawk the Slayer" was rubbish.

Good for you I said.

He disagrees and reckons that he was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity, when what he should have said was "Dad, you're right, but let's give Krull a try and we'll discuss it later."
(Zutroy started without you, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 15:10, Reply)

My wife's cousin married a divorced guy with two kids
...whose names are 'Misty' and 'Haze'. Lovely kids, apparently, but whenever they're mentioned I can't help but wonder if they were named after air fresheners.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 15:08, Reply)

gcse baby
a fellow student turned up for her GCSE exams with a baby.

Her name was Chanel (like the number 5)

her surname was Lake.

sounds like something the EU might have.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Tue 21 Aug 2007, 15:00, Reply)

Caleb
I quite agree...Caleb is a quite literally spiffing name - I don't see what all the fuss is about!

finest regards,

Tarquin Rufus Armani Rambo Scuttlebucket
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 21 Aug 2007, 14:55, Reply)

@BobFossil
Nowt wrong with being called Caleb.
(Bitchesdontknowaboutmydiabeetus Do you have diabeetus?, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 14:47, Reply)

Superfuzz56
I can beat prams on the road.

I tipped my toddler nephew accidently onto the road from his pram when starting to cross. Luckily it was on a corner crossing where there were traffic lights. Unfortunatly it was so funny that it was a good 30 seconds before I was able to pick him up as I was laughing that much. He saw the funny side too.
( girlinthehole, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 14:45, Reply)

Saw A Kid With A Mullet.
Parents must have really hated him. Bare in mind this is Folkestone, the town of unwanted pregnancies and matching Burberry tracksuits.
He probably had webbed feet aswell.
(Ellytots Last thought of chocolate on, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 14:45, Reply)

Wild....
I lost my parents when I was very young, only a couple of months old in fact.

We lived in the jungle, so there was no such thing as social services. Luckily a pack of wolves adopted me as one of their own. They taught me the ways of the jungle. ( I also learned that dog milk tastes shit).

When i left the scraggy little dug-out that was home, I met all manner of other animals in the jungle. They taught me some great songs. Eventually the local mafia boss (a mean bastard tiger) thought I was trying to muscle in on his turf and put a contract on me. I killed the fucker and still wear his skin as a hat.
Signed


Mowgli
(Who needs parents, I got by with a red loin-cloth and a few catchy tunes! *Boop-be-doo, I wanna be like yoo-oo-oo....*
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 14:43, Reply)

I was raised by the producers of Barbarella, Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Police Academy IV.

My childhood was so bad it was good.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 13:40, Reply)

A Sad Story
Not my usual funny tale, but some of the stories on here are so moving, I thought I'd share mine. It's about the worst father I have ever, ever heard of. And it does upset me to type it, but here goes.

Now, my parents, though divorced, are great - they'd do anything for me, and I'd do anything for them. I love them unconditionally. My cousin, Victoria, didn't have that blessing, unfortunately.

My cousin is the daughter of my beloved Aunty May. Back in the 70s, she was a singer in the clubs, all sequins and wigs, she was a gorgeous woman with an amazing voice and a great Yorkshire personality. She was my dad's best friend.

May married young, and had a daughter, Victoria. The marriage crumbled, and she remarried when Victoria was only a few years old. She married Jeff. Jeff was, to put it nicely, a twat. He would rule the house with his booming voice and ludicrous rules (no friends in the house, supervised family visits only, no talking loudly or playing near him, etc). Though to our knowledge he was never violent, he wore poor May and Victoria down and eventually the house which was once a haven for our (huge) family and friends became quiet and May became reserved. We all thought she would leave him when Victoria was sixteen, as she didn't want her to be moved yet again.

Sadly, Aunty May started to get headaches, bad headaches. The doctor gave her strong painkillers and advised her to rest. By the time they found the brain tumour, cancer was scattered like pepper through her head. She was dying.

What did Jeff do? He propped her up in bed on her own, sent Victoria out, and proceeded to convert Victoria's bedroom into a study, as he was adamant she would be shipped back to her biological father (who she barely knew) when her mother died. May sat in bed, alone, for most of the day, with her crippling headache, whilst Jeff hammered and drilled and sawed. The worst part was, he had left a full length mirror facing her. She watched herself lose stones in weight, lose all her hair, and go grey with illness. Visits were supervised, of course. One day, my dad carried May down to the lounge for a change. He said it was like carrying a doll, she was so light. Jeff hadn't been giving her water, or tea, or food. As she sat on the sofa and tried to talk, Victoria came in from school, she was around fifteen. My dad sent her into the lounge and made the tea. As he carried the tea into the lounge, the sight of his dying sister hugging her daugter broke his heart. That was twenty years ago, and he still cries at the thought of it.

Jeff walked into the room and looked at them. 'She's not long to go', he stated fairly cheerfully, 'she'll be dead by Christmas'. My dad, who normally would have gone understandably mental, knew May couldn't cope with any upset, so he stayed calm and just told her to ignore him.

The next day, May slipped into a coma and was taken into respite care. My dad and the family visited her, and Jeff was there, giving them all smug, evil looks. They stayed only for about twenty minutes, and as they left my dad stroked her hair and said 'we'll come and see you tomorrow, love'.

She died a few hours later.

Victoria was removed from the house within hours, and Jeff's previously unmentioned lady friend moved in within a matter of weeks. He was seen laughing and joking even before May's funeral.

A few years ago, my family heard through friends that, through some amazingly apt twist of fate, that Jeff had terminal brain cancer. He died in agony a few months later. Alone.

I have never seen or heard so many people laugh and smile at hearing a man is dead. But by God, that scumbag deserved every ounce of pain he got, and then some.
(Northern Lovely, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:58, Reply)

@golddust
Your concern for the kids is endearing, but I think you need to learn to spot when someone is trying to be ironic.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:44, Reply)

Chickenlady
You're a perfect parent and blame the children? The childs view...

#1 You left 2 young children unattended by a fire whilst playing with combustable materials.

2# you left them unattended in a kitchen where you'd left medications out.

3# Erm.... not enough discipline?

#4 You Let them buy "fart sweets".

Not a dig, I'm a parent myself and know you need eyes in the back of your head sometimes, but likewise you can't always blame them either.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:37, Reply)

Terrible Children
With all this talk of terrible parenting I’d just like to add a few words from the other side of the fence – as a parent. A parent of terrible children (twin boys aged nine and a half). I'm a perfect parent, actually.

The following examples will illustrate how terrible my children are….

#1 Aged approximately two and a half years the boys were playing in front of the (large) open fire which had an equally large fire guard in place. I went to answer a telephone call in the next room, no more than 10 feet away. So I’m talking and I hear giggling and then a sort of ‘whommff’ sound – phone gets thrown down. I run back into the room to discover they have taken some boxes they’d been playing with and shoved them on the fire. How? A tiny gap between the guard and the open fire – way above their heads! And now the chimney is blazing away….I run to the kitchen, get water, throw it on the fire, it goes out in the grate but the chimney is still roaring…Oh Dear….999….flashing lights, sirens…the lot….kids very impressed. Mother mortified.

2# Aged approximately four years old they climb up onto chairs and work surfaces in the kitchen to reach the cat worming tablets…then using their play picnic set they cut a tablet up (or attempt to) and one of them eats it. I had to phone a London hospital and speak to the Poisons’ Department and then put up with the person on the phone laughing when I told them what had happened. And then I was asked if he had a damp nose and shiny hair!

3# Aged approximately three years old one of them was on the verge of expulsion from their playgroup…Being nasty to other children? No, very popular boy. Being rude to people? No, very polite. Hitting, kicking or stealing? No, no, no. But he’ll have to leave unless he stops running the place and allows the paid staff to do their job….He had a habit of standing up and telling the rest of the kids what to do…and they did it and ignored the staff.

#4 The most recent one – the other day in a posh department store in town. We had been to the toy department and they had used their own money to purchase some fart sweets and a fart whistle. We are then walking back through the cosmetics and perfume department when one of them blows the fart whistle very loudly next to me then straight-faced shouts out, “Mummy! How could you!” To my shame I began to giggle and then when I noticed the filthy looks I was getting from the painted ladies of the store we made for the door fast. I got the last laugh though…they both ate the fart sweets and then spent the evening in the loo…..they got more than just farts!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:16, Reply)

Genghis Kahn
My view on people having kids probably puts me slightly to the right of Genghis Kahn.

I think that everyone, male and female, should have contraception devices inserted under their skin at puberty. Removal of these devices without permission is punishable by 10 years in the slammer.

Then, when you want kids, you can apply to have them removed but must prove the following.

1) That you have attended, and passed, a course on good parenting
2) That both parents are in full time work and can financially support the kids they want to have.
3) You pass a medical proving that you're not dependent on drink or drugs.
4) You have never been convicted of various crimes such as paedophilia, violence or other crimes to be specified.
5) You're not ginger



Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:08, Reply)

Chav Dad
Just had the misfortune of seeing a typical young chav Dad bedecked in the usual finery, tracksuit, trainers, cap at jaunty angle, football shirt walking along while his rancid woman propelled their screaming child in it's pushchair.

The vile Dad decided to indulge in that new and oh so revolting habit these chav peasants seem to be so fond of, that of blatantly putting his hand down his trousers whilst strutting along, in public, in front of his offspring. Nice example to set eh?

I assume he wasn't checking a hernia so instead of cupping his reproductive organs so openly and proudly, I believe they should be violently ripped off and stamped on, thus castrating the pleb and saving us from more of his vile spawn polluting our streets.

So there.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:05, Reply)

Child abuse!
I was in a shop once and overheard a typically chavvy young mother telling off her noisy toddler. "I have two words for you" she said "Be... have!" I was still reeling from her stupidity when she topped it off by shouting "Stop it Armani!"
ARMANI ?!?!
Now that must be classed as child abuse!
( skullface, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:04, Reply)

Bollox
Sister (5yrs old at the time) threatened my dad with the fact that "if he continued winding her up she was going to cut his bollox off". It was at our large family Xmas dinner. "Ahem pass the salt please"!

She had picked up the threat as my mum used it playfully when my dad was being a bit of an arse!

Length? Not likely to tickle a sarlaccs tonsils!
(DaveDiesel, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:01, Reply)

Another car story
The missus used to be a teacher, and had to go with her head of department to see the parents of one of their pupils. HOD brings her two kids (about 4 yrs old) with her, and leaves them in the car while they go in and have tea with the parents. After an hour or so, one of the parents gets a bit concerned about the kids, and offers to go check on them, at which point the mother says "no they'll OK, I left the car door unlocked for them."
Well, that's alright then.

Also, has anyone else noticed how mothers waiting to cross the street will often stick their prams out in an attempt to stop the traffic? This has happened to me several times, and a few months ago I saw a news story about a driver who failed to stop and ran a pram over
(superfuzz56, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 11:46, Reply)

To those who don't want to be parents...
... as they feel the world is not a fit place to bring kids into - please reconsider. It is clear from reading many of the accounts on here that you would be miles better parents than the dole-scrounging chav scum who have no qualms about bringing another little shit into the world just so they can claim more benefit to pay for a TV that's a couple inches bigger than the previous one (which still works perfectly well).

If those of us who have an idea of how to be good parents refuse to be parents, then quite quickly the world will be filled by the offspring of those people we despise. So for the sake of the kids, have kids!

(btw, I think you should have to apply for a license to be a parent, requiring you to demonstrate an ability to look after and raise your children properly - 90% of the world's problems stem from bad parenting)
(Heggy, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 11:44, Reply)

Parenting
I find that all money and time goes on providing a suitable home life for the boy...

And Sky is so expensive (nearly £40 for the football, which is the only reason to get it!)

Still, the money I don't spend on it can be put towards my Forest season Ticket (and my son's, of course!)
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 21 Aug 2007, 11:42, Reply)

To thatblokeoverthere on page 14
If somebody ever did anything like that to my family, I would actually kill them. No joking, I would seriously kill them.
(beast on toast has xpango=> http://www.xpango.com?ref=90520974, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 11:40, Reply)

The Cheek!
My Mum when she was fourteen ducked when her sister tried to throw a plate at her head. The plate smashed straight through the window.

Her mum (my Grandma) slapped her shouting "Why did you duck?"
(BeardedChimp, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 11:35, Reply)

Fathers huh
If my father has done anything at all it is to make me determined not to be like him. Firstly when he lived at home and was married to my mother he ruled the house with his fists. I found out later in life that the bruises my mum was covered in were generally caused by him and we feared him. My mum finally got the courage together to leave him when he turned his attention to giving me a kicking (at around 10 years old). They divorced around that time and they both got on with their lives and remarried both to very nice people. There were numerous other instances and humiliations that over the years I have swept under the carpet of my mind telling myself that he was my dad and I should forgive him cos thats how it was. I was even the only one of his kids that stood by him when his missus found out he was having an affair.
Around three years ago though the camels back broke big time. My ailing grandmother who i had always got on well with was taken into a nursing home with dementia. Sadly it effects her short term memory so she cannot remember anything that happened over 5 minutes ago. As a result of this she used to ring my father around 20 times a day and being confused couldn't work out why the miserable twat didn't want to speak to his own mother. I received a phone call from an extremely distressed grandmother in tears asking me to ring my father and find out what shes done wrong. So I picked up the phone to ask my dad to ring my grandmother up to reassure her that shes not done anything wrong.
When i asked this question I was greeted with a torrent of abuse along the lines of "You never go up to see her (I do see her regularly) you and your sister would soon go up if there was 3 grand to pick up.
Stunned i put the phone down on him. I have never asked him for anything other than his time and my sister is the same. I have always worked for a living (as has my sister) and have sorted my life out myself. I don't even know where the sum of three grand comes from.

Since this incident i have realized that i don't need an abusive bully in my life. He has had nothing to do with my daughter his only granddaughter even going so far as to cross out granddad on a Christmas card that his wife sent to her (she was three years old at the time).
I don't hate him though i pity him. He will die a lonely man and no one will miss him.
Apologies for length it took way to long to realise
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 11:35, Reply)

dole parents
it seems the only way to get what you deserve from the government is to either have:

1. more kids than you can afford or manage
2. have been in the system so long you could get NVQ level 4 at playing the game.

This stops a lot of genuine cases of hardship get f*ck all and cause spiralling misery.

It particularly pains me as we can't have kids when i see the shit state a lot of chav parents let their kids get into.

There's a set of happy thoughts.

Bunnies and kittens are good parents. They can't help but be fluffeh to each other. Unless their offspring is disabled or there is not enough food in which case they kill them.
Its easy to maintain a fluffeh world. If humans do it they are likened to Hitler.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Tue 21 Aug 2007, 11:28, Reply)