The Buster
I was a passenger in my brother's car and we stopped at a roadside cafe for something to eat. It was one of those greasy spoon, portacabin type places frequented by many a trucker. My brother needed to have a pee before continuing the journey. He opened the portaloo door and called me over instantly and pointed out the enormous turd that the previous occupant had left behind. It had quite a girth and was pointed upwards and was truly a specimen to wonder and marvel.
My brother couldn't face the prospect of going in the portaloo, so it was time to go elsewhere.

It was then we spotted the poster on the side of the cafe advertising an edible speciality of the establishment:-

"Kev's Belly Buster"

There were childish laughs abound.
(ComeSeeMyPuppies, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 2:22, Reply)

The night I nearly died like Elvis
On the 16th August 1977 I was nine years old, and a huge fan of Elvis Presley. Not the bloated, druggie vegas Elvis, but the cool young hip Elvis of the movies. I was on holiday with my parents and we were visiting a small village somewhere in the Scottish Highlands. I was running back to the tea shop where my mum & dad were and a bee flew into my open mouth & stung me on the tip of the tounge. As my toungue swelled and I ran screaming and crying in agony to my mum, I noticed the newspaper headlines of Elvis death. I was inconsolable. Since then I've always had a morbid fear of dying naked on a toilet & my body being peered at and poked at by various medical personnel.

A little less than twenty years or so later (and still a number of years ago) I was on a business trip back to Glasgow (where I used to live before I moved to That London). After a couple of nights of Hotel and posh Restaurant food I decided to treat myself to a take-away from my favourite curry house that was much frequented when I lived locally. Being on expenses and money not being a huge concern I order half the menu as there were a number of things I missed and wanted to taste again.

Back in my hotel room, I turned on a movie and started to gorge myself. I banged down an enormous chicken bhuna with rice, a giant naan bread, a stupidly huge portion of chicken pakora, and some sundry starter-type items and two small bottles of Pepsi. Felt insanely full in the just had three christmas dinners kind of way and decided to go to sleep before I died.

The next thing I know, its one in the morning. My eyes snapped open, sensing something was wrong, my whole body is quivering, I have cold sweats despite having thrown off the covers and the room being cool. I run for the loo, starkers, and plonk my bum down, not quite knowing what was going on. Was I going to hurl? Was I going to die? Or was I just going to poo myself?

Suddenly, in huge stomach churning clenches, I start to have an incredibly vile bowel movement, it's mostly liquid, and my stomach muscles are cramping.

At this point I realise, I am indeed going to throw up too. I can't stand up because it's all going on at the other end, and I'll pebble dash the nice white tiled bathroom. Thinking quickly, I grab the bin, and start to heave. Unfortunately, I'd eaten so much that my stomach hadn't broken down the curry & rice, and it was coming up as thick as it went down. Having put a large portion of my dinner into the wastebasket in a single heave I realise that I need to breathe in, and my airway is totally blocked with lamb curry and rice, and I can't breathe, it's just not moving.

Twenty or thirty seconds pass while I sit there on the loo, sphincter pulsating, unable to breathe, considering how disgusting my poor emptied body is going to look when the maid finds me in the morning. Fortunately, my poor maligned stomach still hated me more than my trachea and it makes me heave again, clearing my pipes and allowing me to breathe again.

I cleaned myself up, and crawled, weeping to bed.

Mmm, I fancy a curry.

Apologies for the length of my naan & any bad korma..
( loolah potato, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 1:51, Reply)

Portaloo
Written on the wall of a Portaloo,

" The sinks to low and the soap smells funny ".
(MrPhoto, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 1:42, Reply)

Party
A few years ago at a house party my friend got nice and drunk and threw up all over the toilet,the seat and the floor. busting for a crap i saw no other alternative but leant over the side of the bath and shit in it. woke next morning to "which prick has shit in my bath", not knowing what to do i reply "it was him" pointing at my other friend still lay sleeping next to the toilet.
He was forced to clean it up too
(Haggard, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 1:21, Reply)

Piss Pants
Much as I am not a fan of inane bathroom graffiti (for sex call blah...) I could not resist when I saw a sticker in the cubicle of the ladies toilet in Leeds Borders store (the one on the left if you know them...) It said something like 'Incontinence? We can help'. Driven by an excess of caffeine from the instore cafe, I scribbled my addition...

'Well it's a bit late now!'

Chuckling to myself I departed thinking nothing more of it. Some months later I found myself in that same cubicle (the other one occupied with someone taking the tags off their shoplifting or something). To my surprise, someone had topped my little joke by adding:

'Better late than never, piss pants!'.
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 1:06, Reply)

Brent Cross Bogs
At the age of 12, suffering from Montezuma's Revenge whilst in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. The latest burst of liquid/fart/chocolate covered raisins was exiting my brown eye when I looked down and noticed this small mirror poking out from under the next stall. The perv must've been
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 3 Sep 2005, 1:04, Reply)

So I'm in a public toilets outside Walthamstow's nice park.
I sit down, do my thing, and start reading the walls. It reads like a Jerkcity strip only without the irony or humour..."I like sucking but not so much fucking, being fucked is OK..." and "We had five guys in this cubicle once cum flying everywhere" and so forth. I'm getting slightly disturbed by all these charming little notes and so I zip up and get ready to leave in a semi-hurry.

I hear a noise in the cubicle next to me, and the lid of a toilet seat going down. The next thing I see is the head of the biggest black man I ever saw peeking over the top of the cubicle at me. He raises an eyebrow, and I shake my head quickly and run out of the cubicle, out into the, umm, park. Scared the bejesus out of me.

It should be noted that I dress mainly in purple and black, so I probably looked like I was into the homosex. Which I am, incidentally, just not in public toilets, from burly, black strangers.

I quite liked the graffiti I read on the toilet door of a supermarket in Spain, though. It said "!23cm! ;)" and a phone number. I was tempted to call that and go "Blimey, you've got a long nose" but I reasoned that, it being in Spain, the guy was probably spanish and wouldn't get it. *sigh*.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 1:03, Reply)

R.I.P Hammy, I knew thee well...


My mother bought my brother and i hamsters as our first pets ( we wanted a dog, but she didn't trust us to take care of it). I must have been about 7 or 8, my brother 4 or 5. I called mine Hammy, and my brother named his pac-man, but then changed it to superman. Anyhoo, we we're as happy as pigs in shit ( pun intended) and spent as much time with them as we could. For a time. One day, i remember that we have hamsters. It had been quite some time since we'd cared for them, so i made my way to the basement to check up on them. Only to find Hammy's head buried in Superman's chest cavity eating out his insides. I immediadely fethched my brother to gloat/laugh/torture etc. He freaked out and went to Mom, who promptly , in disgust, grabbed Hammy by the tail, droppped him in the toilet... and flushed.
For some time after that i was afraid to poo, for fear of Hammy coming back up the pipes to bite my little nads off in twisted revenge. Oddly enough, we got a dog after that.
(goorf, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 0:53, Reply)

A few years back
me and a few mates were knocking around town having a few afternoon refreshments when one of the group felt the urge to go. Looking round he went to the nearest bog in the local shopping centre closly followed by me, needing to get rid of several pints.
He darts into the bog and takes position in trap number one and starts trying to heave out a massive grogan. I'm spraying liberal amounts of piss around as I can't aim strait from laughing at the tortured sounds coming over the partion wall. 'How can I make this a more enjoyable experience for him?' I think to myself and come up with the simple idea of switching off the light to shit in total darkness. CLICK
It was at that exact moment that he was straing his hardest, eyes screwed tightly shut with concentration and grunting that he didn't hear the click or see the lights go out. There was a splash and a relieved sigh quickly followed by panicked screams as he thought he'd ruptured the blood vessels in his eyes with the effort of giving birth to the baby bog fish and sent himself blind.
A concerned shopper comes in to see what's going on to find themselves confronted with a darkend toilet, one man in the cubicle whimpering about his eyes and me almost doubled over and crying with silent laughter.
(boltneck sacrificed a smurf to Cthulhu on, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 0:31, Reply)

Train Turd
Was on the train to Liverpool when I have the urge for a piss. Go to the [unisex] toilets on the train and some twunt has left a rather large turd that was a mixture of grey and green. After almost gipping with disgust at the odour and sight of the thing, I have my piss and try to flush. The flush doesn't work. That is obviously why someone has left this turd in the toilet. I wash my hands and open the toilet door and this absolutely gorgeous girl is waiting for the toilet. She steps in, sees the turd and looks at me in disgust. Before I can explain, she tries the flush...and it works perfectly! Needless to say that I didn't try to hit it off with her.
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 0:10, Reply)

Not much, but...
When I was 15, I attended my first piss up at a friend's house. For once, despite being the n00b, it wasn't me that made a twat of myself. The resident obnoxious fat jerk had drunk too much, got high, and proceeded to pass out on the bathroom floor naked. Fuck knows how he got to be unclothed.

Once photographed and awakened, he lurched out of the bathroom, fell face first at the top of the stairs, and vomited down it. Twat.

When I was 5, I -for some reason- put my foot in the toilet. Whilst pissing. I remember pissing, then suddenly my foot was wedged into a slippery wet pipe and I was crying. To this day, nobody knows how my foot ended up in there, as I was so short I couldn't easily have lifted myself up and got my foot in there. Later found out the bathroom was haunted, which scared the shit out of me (luckily I was near another, unhaunted loo at the time).

When I was about 10, I suffered from a period of digestive instability. I couldn't eat much, I felt sick almost constantly, and generally didn't enjoy myself. The climax of this was when I was cursed with trapped wind at school, and had to run out of the classroom to the loo, where I proceeded to let loose a shotgun blast of a shit. Most shits take a while, or are visible to the naked eye, but not this one. Oh no. It was just like doing a high velocity fart, only made of brown water and lumps of my breakfast from several days ago. It coated the inside of the bowl, and not a centimetre more, which was even more remarkable. Once the pain had subsidded, I looked down, and burst out laughing. I didn't even flush it, and when one of the local troglodytes came in 20 minutes later saying "somone's pooed out their stomach!" I nearly died of laughter.
(youthink, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 0:09, Reply)

Half-assed, but so am I...
I once fell asleep on the toilet. God's truth. Woke up more than 3 hours later - still sitting there. And no, I wasn't drunk.

Also, there was the time that 8 of us went to Korea. Oooh, I think the term was "shitting fire".

Woo, my first post! And it's about poo. How appropriate...
(omoshiRoy, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 0:00, Reply)

Ah well, must also post this one.
Working in the offices of A Government Department in N-E England. 21 August, a week or two back. All is well.

Except that the building has a fairly standard foul/water core, which has for reasons better known to the Central Bureaucracy, been diverted between the ground and first floors, to egress some distance along the building.

Let me tell you all, working on the not-ground floor has its advantages.

It may be that we will never find the full story of what caused the - unpleasantness. Rumours circulate involving people using paper towels and the pull-out hand wipers from the disabled bogs; and a tale that a particular employee's pass was found amongst the - debris has circulated. I offer no explanation, but will simply state what happened.

There was an explosion of shit, piss, and foul water that rendered the ground floor inoperable for a week and a half. As the pipes traverse the building between the ground and first floors, a number of employees were sprayed with a substance resembling lumpy bisto.

The floor required gutting. Maybe 100-150 PCs have been offloaded to the disposal contractor; there was decorators in to repair the damage (read: slop out the effluent) and a post went onto our intranet site detailing the specific form that employees needed to claim compensation for soiled clothing.

The worst bit about it is I didn't have a camera, as a few pics of the virulent devastation would have been priceless.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 23:48, Reply)

Apparently my friends parents got together because of a public toilet
His dad found a number in one of the toilets and decided to phone it. The number was his mothers. He decided to phone it as a laugh and they got talking and met up. Since then they have got married and had 2 kids!
Imagine when the question comes up "So how did you two meet"

Whether this is true or not I don't know, it makes a damn good story though
(Hartlepool15 aka []Chips[] So you don't have to, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 23:42, Reply)

Faecal Factor 10 - she's gonna blow!
Me and a few of my mates know only too well the feeling of a bad poo, usually brought on by over indulgence in that most glorious of beverages: Real Ale.

After one particularly explosive morning, following a particularly drunken evening, and chatting on IRC about how bad the poo was that morning (I wonder why no-one else joins our channel?) we came up with the Faecal Factor, and at-a-glance measure of consistency, frequency, velocity and viscosity.

I have never reached Faecal Factor 10, and I never wish to. I believe it involves implosion of the bowel through over-clenching ...
( Evil|berT is posting post-hummusly, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 23:29, Reply)

I went into the public loos with a friend
and assumed he was in the cubicle next to me. When he let off a loud fart and a few prize sploshes I remarked loudly about the fact, and continued taking the piss until I had finished and was waiting for him to come out.
Unfortunately it wasn't my mate - he had taken a quick whizz and exited long ago - but a very large, fat, red, angry Brummie who didn't take kindly to my running commentary.
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 23:25, Reply)

Being a fan of the curryage...
And having a fair resistance to capsicin, I got a curry from one of Darkest Darlington's better curry houses. Having had several meals there previously, and knowing their Madras to be somewhat on the medium side, I elected to go for the vindaloo.

Don't get me wrong, I've had the curry of potatoes at a number of places. Tried the legendary phal a couple of times without noticable ill effects. As this particular restaurant seemed to err on the side of caution, I could perhaps have been forgiven for thinking the Vindaloo would be warming but not overly malignant.

I was wrong.

I had a number of days excreting nothing more solid than week-old milk, infused with a poisonous reek of rancid garlic and stomach acid, with visits every bloody time peristalsis yanked things up another notch. The frequent, incendiary flatulence helped not one iota.

Worst bit, without a doubt, was my arsehole becoming rubbed raw with constant applications of bog roll. It got so bad that walking was pure, undiluted, teeth-clenching agony for the lower midsection.

By day five, when I managed to crimp off a parsimonious, wrinkled, turd; one that the cat would have looked on with disdain; one that (in the words of Maddox) I wouldn't have fed to my kids; that was actually solidish; I practically wept for joy that the intestinal devastation was finally over.

I still visit the curry house, oddly enough.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 23:23, Reply)

cant believe im guna post this
but when i was younger just for something different i would sit on the toilet facing the back.. so like strattle it.

just got bored doin the regular thing i guess.. haha
(Kamie, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 22:25, Reply)

Sitting ere oh what a caper, for sum1 has used all the toilet paper...
Its tradition for me and some of my friends to steal toilet rolls from anywhere, clubs,pubs etc, started back in school when toilet rolls were rationed to 1 per 5 cubicles on occasions such as health inspections which, funnily enough, was the only time the sanitary bins were emptied.
(Legs 11 last got some loving on, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 22:23, Reply)

I had a wank in a public bog once
That's about it.

True story.
(sqrrl101, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 22:23, Reply)

Hmmmm...
One incident I remember is me sitting in my parents room one quiet Sunday morning when I was 3.
My sister had disappeared to the toilet some 15 minutes ago.
She suddenly poked her head around the door and said "Mickey Mouse has flooded the bathroom."
Upon further investigation, my parents discovered the bathroom floor completely soaked from where she had tried to flush her beloved Mickey toy down the toilet.
She claimed "He wanted to swim."
(PAMPAMPAM, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 22:05, Reply)

When on a military exercise....
....I found a handy fallen tree with a forked branch sturdy enough to sit on; an organic bogseat. A good couple of days of ration packs had me fairly well bunged, and this was the chance my bowels needed to relax properly and dump the lot. Just as I was finishing, the branch snapped, and I dropped two feet, arse first, into a couple of days worth of shit. It was everywhere; I was picking it out of my clothes for the next two days, with no chance to shower or even change clothes. I also got a lot of personal space.

Now I am paid by the hour and not playing silly buggers, I normally take as many shites a day as I can, printing off anything I might want to read and stashing it in my pocket. Managing three or more shits in one working day is the goal, and known locally as a "shat Trick".
( Spaniels Ears, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 22:00, Reply)

Er...
I'll keep it short. Stayed at my girlfriend's for the first time. She was in bed, I was on the sofa. I went for a dump in the morning, used a lot of paper. Flushed and the bog filled about way up with water because it was blocked. Thought if I flushed the chain again it would go down.

Flushed the chain, flooded the whole bathroom with bog water, toilet paper and pieces of shit. Cue panic. Luckily it was lino. Mopped up water and shit with about 5 bog rolls and put into carrier bag I found in the bathroom.

Then I hear girlfriend's dad come back from the school run. Cue more panic. Started to scoop water out of bog with toothbrush holder into bath. Didn't work very well. So it had to be done.

Stuck my whole arm down the bog to unblock it. Arm covered in shit, piss and wet loo roll. Showered arm down, cleaned rest of bathroom and ran out of the house with carrier bag full of shitty Andrex.

Never went round again.
(davefromkent, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 21:59, Reply)

German toilet
Staying with my host family in Germany, I got a little confused at their toilet. It looks like a normal one except it kind of has this little 'shelf' in it. So basically, when I had to release a load, I got to have a 'close inspection' of it afterwards. And not hearing a splash when it came out bewildered me.
(piffpuffpickle, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 21:59, Reply)

4 posts I swear this is the last one and its quick.
Very very pissed I ran to the toilet needing to give god a call. As I kneel and begin wretching the overwhealming desire to shit takes me. Cue me taking a shit with my face jammed between my legs puking my guts up. Funnily enough its not that hard to vomit when your face is inches from freshly coiled shit.
(mm123, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 21:57, Reply)

On holiday with some of my mates
Go into the loos, and proceed to set about dropping the bomb, as it were, and assuming that my friends were still the only people in the loo, scream "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!" as I shotgun the loo. Feeling extremely satisfied with myself, I exit to find a queue of businessmen who had obviously used ninja skills to enter the loos silently. All of them looking mortified and disgusted. I went crimson and exited sharpish, to find my friends outside pissing themselves with laughter. Bastards.
(Willboy:, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 21:49, Reply)

Not me but my 7-year-old cousin
Apparently my aunt and uncle had been reading him Harry Potter. One day he went into the crapper at his elementary school, leaned close to a toilet, hissed at it, and jumped up, shouting "I've found the Chamber of Secrets!" At this the nearest boy proceeded to run over and piss on him. Well deserved I think. Damnable Harry Potter.
(I'm Owen McLove, I could have you killed., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 21:46, Reply)

I just remembered one from my childhood. 3 Posts Woooow
A sort of friend of mine when I was a kid we'll call him Iced bun (he knows why)went for one of those sleep over things kids do. Obviously sleeping is the last thing you do and the wee hours were whiled away watching the Robocop films. Anyway Iced bun goes to the toilet and thats the last we see of him for hours. When he finally comes down he quickly makes an exit on investigation in turns out he'd fallen asleep and coiled one out on to the carpet. How he failed to wake up on falling off the toilet I don't know but blast my eyes its true. In an abortive attempt to clean it up he'd successfully smeared the shit over the bathroom floor. I don't think he ever entered the house again.

Three posts? Modest in length but plenty of stamina.
(mm123, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 21:44, Reply)

Pretty Croatian Bogs
Yeah, thats right. These toilets were possibly the most beautiful thing i'd ever had the chace to piss in. A beautiful marble building, just on the outer wall of old town dubrovnik. Inside, the walls were shiny, and the toilets were hi tech, and wave operated (you just move your hand over the panel)

The only thing wrong, was the completely foul smell, it was like walking up a pretty elephants arse every time (and we used that toilet, many times) and it was right next to a seafood restaraunt. I would not like to eat there, ever.

Long story short, artsy fartsy toilet, smelt like shite
(Abusive Eskimo - My post is here, at the bottom, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 21:30, Reply)