that last post was
TMI

which is gd really, at least its relevant to question. unlike this one.
(bill hicks $hits on jesus, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 22:50, Reply)

see below
the 17 stone english teacher in question is FIT with a capitol F. I fwapp over her every night...picturing her great flaps over me...i take a flap and go for it. Then i wipe my dick over her giant GGG tits while she eats a family size bucket of KFC. Finger Lickin' good.
TMI??? i dont think so
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Tue 11 Sep 2007, 22:47, Reply)

...
When my 17 stone english teacher decides to wear low cut tops and short skirts. Thats far too much information, her body should be shrouded in secrecy not paraded...i mean that in a nice way.


length? a long fucking time to make her dress
(bill hicks $hits on jesus, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 22:43, Reply)

K2K6 - it's certainly possible.
You can buy special equipment for wanking off bulls, horses and rams. It's got to come from somewhere. This link here mentions turkeys and AI - www.merckvetmanual.com/mvm/index.jsp?cfile=htm/bc/205700.htm
(gordonjcp, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 22:35, Reply)

Hiya
I got up this morning and realised I had dribbled a little bit over the edge of my pillow, it had dried and gone all white, so now it looks like a cum stain. Still that's alright though I expect I can stare at it and have that help get me off next time I'm flicking one off eh? I do that quite often you know, more than once a day, as many as 8 in one day before!

But that's what I need, see, orgasms, I just don't function very well unless first thing in the morning I slide my hands over my body, I start at my breasts and fondle my nipples, in fact I’m getting a bit excited just thinking about it. Anyway I love to touch and squeeze them until they get all hard and then I like to lick my fingers and rub some more, as I do this I can feel my pussy getting wet and I try and hold off just as long as I can before I touch myself, if I can hold off I run my hands over my hips and feel my curves, that gets me smiling, I can tell you.

Obviously I have a vibrator but I like to touch myself with my fingers as it feels better, skin to skin, you know? I start off with some really gentle rubbing, not directly on my clit, but just above it, it makes me feel so lovely and all warm and tingly. In normally end up with my left hand back caressing my breasts at this point, I close my eyes and imagine someone, like a stranger or something doing it to me. As I get faster and a little harder my hand slides down to my pussy again and I use my left hand to finger myself whilst still gently rubbing just above my clit.

As my fingers first push into my hot, wet pussy it feels amazing, I lift my hips and push myself onto them and at this point, even though I try not to, I really do I end up with my right hand rubbing directly onto my clit, I get harder and faster and buck my hips to finger myself deeper.

I've got this real thing about noisy sex too, so why not noisy masturbation? I like to groan and squeak when I do this, it adds to it, uses more of my senses. Once I’m fingering and thrusting I know I’m not far from my first orgasm and I get faster to get there. Ohhhh and then that feeling comes, that huge, body filling, wave of niceness that I just can't describe, I moan and groan through it and enjoy the throbs of orgasm my pussy gives. I can't stop there though, as soon as that throbbing, those waves start to fade, I rub harder and faster to feel them again, it's like a need more than a want, an overwhelming urge to pleasure myself again and again. As I'll only just have cum I get there again really soon but it feels just as good, if not better as the first orgasmic waves are still there, albeit faintly but I start to shake as I feel them arriving again and groan with the pleasure of it all...

Sorry just realised I'm rambling, sorry if that was too much information :)
( diffy maybs, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 21:58, Reply)

My Mum's dodgy arsepiece
My Mum is in her mid 60's and has a bit of a ringpiece problem, it's basically falling out!
Anyway she is waiting for an hospital appointment to get it fixed up... in the mean time whenever I see her she updates me with the proceedings with such lovely comments like..

"I had to get up in the night as my bum was leaking a bit in the bed"

or

"I had a poo earlier and I had to push my bumhole back up with my hand as it was hanging out"

As you can imagine I can do nothing but look forward to the next installment of the diary of Mums shitpiece!

2nd post wooo!
(Rob99, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 21:41, Reply)

In a rather nice restaurant in london
My friend has a computer company, and he had just finished the last day of a computer exhibition fair, and I had helped him pack everything away. BT was also there, and had made a generous offer of taking several people to a posh restaurant not far from the exhibition centre, including my mate and all of his company. There were probably 30 of us there at this big table, and i was sitting knowhere near anybody i knew, but started casual conversation with the people around me. After the main course, the guy sitting opposite me started talking about his piercing.
The immediate surrounding people all went quiet and listened. He told us the gory details of how when it was done, they did it with a hollow needle, which basically "apple-cored" a small chunk of flesh of his bell-end from inside his japseye. eeeewwwwww
Not many people wanted to eat their desserts when they were served up, however this was not a problem, as he served up a treat of his own. He got his cock out at the table of this rather nice restarant in london, and proceeded to show all those interested the shiney ring through the end of his cock.
In my life one of the things I have discovered is that if you find somebody who has their genitals pierced, they are proud of it, and have no holds barred at showing it to any body who is interested. I therefore make a point of discovering as soon as possible if any of my lady friends has an intimate piercing, and I have now been sent dozens of photos of lip rings, and verticle and horizontal hood piercings, as well as being invited to touch a few.

Length: it was curved round into a 1 inch diameter open ring
Width: approximately 3/16inch gage
( turb0t, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 21:01, Reply)

the brown patch staining the ceiling
and occasionally dripping onto unsuspecting passers-by in the hospital department where I currently work is apparently from the dialysis machines upstairs. nice.
(libbyloo <insert cool quote and pretend I came up with it>, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 20:43, Reply)

noisy sex
i was recently told by some people who lived down my corridor at uni that they'd over-heard me and my girlfriend for the whole year, and never bothered to inform us till now, TMI for them i think

click i like this if you want pictures
( wjh31, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 20:06, Reply)

My good friend Emily
Ah, Em. She's queen of TMI. She seems so quiet and meek, but then sometimes she just pops out with the most random, horrifying stuff.

For example: we both caught salmonella at the same time from a mutual friend's dodgy barbecue, and once it had been diagnosed and cleared up with antibiotics, we still were both really run down and exhausted for a week or two afterwards. Anyway, a month or so later we were in the pub, and discussing how awful it was.

Me: You know what the worst part was?
Em: Spewing out of both ends at once and having sick going everywhere!
Me: ... no, the tiredness afterwards
Em: ...ah.

It shut the whole table up for a minute before the conversation awkwardly moved on.

Em has also detailed the size of her then-boyfriend's cock with an elaborate both-hands-required gesture and shouted 'It's like being sawn in half!' in the middle of a very quiet moment down the pub. As she's absolutely tiny, it didn't bear thinking about. Yikes!
(Onion Terror, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 17:53, Reply)

Four Older Sisters
Growing up as the youngest of 6 kids, four of which were females, and all quite a few years older than me, I had the GREAT misfortune to learn about certain 'women things/problems' long before my fragile mind was truly capable of handling it.

In this instance, I was sat on the porcelain throne and seeking something to read. I espyed in the trash can, what appeared to be a crumpled up Avon catalog, which my Sister must have discarded as she was an Avon Lady.

It was sat right atop the rest of the refuse, so I figured: it can’t be dirty. It'll provide me with some mental diversion, so go ahead and grab it.

I began to unravel it and out popped a used sanitary napkin. It looked like a bloody surgical sponge from a head wound.

Convinced one of my family had had a HORRIFIC accident, I finished up in the loo and ran downstairs to report my potentially life-saving discovery to my Mom...

She sat me down and discussed the entire process of menstruation.

I was 7 years old. And it was FAAAAAAAR to much information. About 2 minutes into the discussion, I threw up. To be met with the riotous laughter of my own Dear Mother. At 7 years old I held my hand up, as I was evacuating my stomach’s contents and said “Mom, that is NOT something I needed to hear!”

Though, when it came time for that module in school later in life, I aced the test!

And to this day, when the family is gathered, particularly when someone new is around, that story is trotted out to the delight of the entire family and gathered strangers.

Sic Semper Tyrranus!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 17:29, Reply)

How NOT to discover infidelity
I was originally going to tell how a friend of mine at Uni, let's call him DD, once told the story of how the ceiling of his room became stained.

We were in our college bar just passing the time, discussing the tedious stuff we'd been up to the night before, when he chipped in with the following. With her sat with us, as well as a couple of people he'd not met before and the token Christian virgin, he explained in great detail how he'd been shagging his GF, her on top, facing away from him (I mentioned the detail, didn't I?). She was bouncing up and down, more and more enthusiastically, when suddenly she slipped off. Just at the moment of climax. So, he claimed, his ejaculate hit the ceiling and then dripped down onto his face. Eyes open, mouth open.

He then turned to his GF, gave her a tenner and asked her to get a round in (this wasn't unusual - she was so fit she always got served quickest). Whilst she was at the bar, he added a footnote to his story.

"Don't tell (GF) I told you, but I was fucking her arse!"

However, bringing that story to mind also reminded me of an earlier tale of his. Again, we're in the college bar (this was a bit of a theme of my university career). Again, DD is at a table of relative strangers, including a gorgeous girl who later became the GF of the story above. This, however, was the story of how he'd discovered that his girlfriend from back home in Hull had been unfaithful to him. He’d gone to visit her that weekend – not unannounced, oh no, they’d arranged it weeks previously because it was her birthday.

He told us how he’d met up with her straight after she’d finished work. They’d had a few drinks with some of her work colleagues before going back to her place to make up for lost time.

Because it was her birthday he decided he’d warm her up by going down on her first. After much licking and fingering of her clitoris and vagina, she climaxed. Her muscles spasmed, she arched her back, she cried out in ecstasy. A thin stream of spunk trickled out of her cunt.

Apparently her boss had given her a birthday present, too.

(SpittyWoonerism, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 17:27, Reply)

Waxed
I'm not sure how we got onto the subject, but a friend was telling me that she had some really sexy knickers that she had bought to start off a night of passion with her new boyfriend. We got onto the subject of shaving the pubes, and having admitted that I do and I like to keep mine really smooth, she said "ohh no I dont do that. - I WAX all of mine - it leaves you smooth for up to 4 weeks without the need to shave again, and no stubble rash". the thought of a waxing strip, ripping up at the short hairs in your soft intimate area bought water to my eyes, and I thought about this and her waxed smooth fanny too much, and got myself a bit of a chubby. - And thats TMI
( turb0t, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 17:14, Reply)

Mate three days into
glastobury, had been surviving on mostly drugs and not much food, disappeared for a shite. He came back looking pale and proceeded to tell us that he had a been straining like fuck to shit out a turd, but it was so dry and large that he couldnt shift it. So he reached behind and had to snap it off with his hands. I nearly buckled with laughter.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 17:00, Reply)

Worse than pooflake's
Well known comedian Jackie Mason is quite a rich bloke. He's also getting on a bit.

In order to help him digest his food properly it is said that he pays someone to chew his food for him first, sometimes he even gets another person for particularly tough stuff.

That's "two munching for mason."

I'm sorry. (but first post, woo)
( Bazongaloid, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 16:57, Reply)

Toilet talk
In the office I work in, half of the poeple appear to be "toilet trained" and the other half seem to have been brought up by going to toilet in a field. Anyway, needless to say that there are signs on the toilet expaining how to use it, and that it must be kept clean after you use it, etc, etc.
There are several people from the toilet trained half that regularly compalin about the condition of the bogs, to the point that people have come back and shared what mess they have seen down there. Also, the social/canteen area is opposite the toilet, and sometimse people wioll come in and share what they saw while others are eating. Its enough to put you off your food. The invention of camera-phones has made this sharing moment worse.
( turb0t, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 15:57, Reply)

Close up
A few years ago, I was at my then girlfriends well to do and quite posh parents house one evening for a meal. We'd not been going out very long and I'd only met her parents once before so I was on my best behaviour.

I saw a book on the living room sideboard that caught my eye and picked it up for perusal. I opened the book and there before me was a photo of what looked like a close up of the giblets in a chickens cavity. "Shit oh Christ what's that?!" I exclaimed as I thrust forward the open book in horror as if pleading for an explanation. I watched as the photo floated gently from the open book to the floor. "Ooh Mike" said then girlfriends mother as she picked it up, "It's the photo from your endoscopy".

Turns out her Dad had used a photo of his hernia as a bookmark. How lovely.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 15:10, Reply)

This whole thing is TMI.
This is going to sound fake but I SWEAR it's true, I wish it wasn't though as I'm now almost afraid of internet, haha. Anyways, on to the story. I had clicked a dodgy link on a fairly dodgy website I frequent..and all was well until.....wait, what the hell? I spot a familiar face. Can it be?? OH MY GOD IT'S A GOOD HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND OF MINE. I swear to God. It was him. Tattoo and all. He was going by a fake porn name or whatever, and what was worse was the fact it was gay porn :( And I recognized after looking around that I knew exactly where the pictures and video had been shot. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die...but of course..it wasn't all that bad and I was always curious anyhow...
Apparently, noone else knows, so I have so hardcore blackmail on him if he ever crosses me :]

*I swear this story is 100% true!!!!!*
(gingerdeadgirl, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 14:17, Reply)

Overheard at a party...
Only this weekend, in fact: "blahblahblah antibiotic gusset lining blahblahblah".
Still don't know whether having heard the rest of that would have explained it away or made it even grimmer.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 14:12, Reply)

Graduate School
While in my very first graduate course, there was a woman, who tended to interject inappropriate and useless comments and stories throught out the 12 times we met for class. Well, one day, we were talking about emergencies, and how sometimes life gets in the way of class, when out of nowhere she blurts, for the whole classroom to hear: "Well no one has it worse than me, I have vaginal cysts that need to be removed next week, so I won't be in class." Every person in the room, professor and myself included, went silent, and throughout the room you could hear people throwing up a little bit in their mouths.
(goddes9447, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 13:47, Reply)

Ex girlfriend
Met this girl once and we went upstairs to have sex whilst her mum was left downstairs watching TV. After the hot session we sheepishly came downstairs all ready to act innocent. When my lovely (now ex) suddenly comes out with in the most hyper voice "Mum! Guess what!? We just had sex! It was awesome, he's really well endoued!" She then went on with loads more sorded details about our little affair upstairs. Her mum was like "I dont want to know!!" Amusingly though i wasnt that embarassed, got used to it after a while!
(Miggyman, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 13:36, Reply)

The train never comes....
Recently my best mate went on a date with his latest victim and mentioned to me the next day that things had gotten "frisky" on the train home. I, quite stupidly, said "Oh?" in a questioning manner, immediately regretting it.

"Yeah" Came the reply "First I fingered her, then she sucked me off! And by god I've never cum so hard! Seriously, it was like a fountain, all over her face, the seats, the floor, even my t-shirt. In fact, it was that t-shirt there, by your hand"

Fair play to the boy, but a less descriptive answer would have sufficed. And maybe a clean t-shirt.

Length? Like a fountain, apparently...
(FerretTrout be illin', Tue 11 Sep 2007, 13:18, Reply)

Please don't read this...I feel dirty after writing it

Recently, a raggedly dressed young ne’er do well lad told me his idea about placing his dead loved-ones in individual small ceremonial buildings, all to be placed in a neat line.

He called it ‘Tomb urchin formation’


*shudder*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 11 Sep 2007, 13:13, Reply)

Dyslexia
Despite being dyslexic, I still managed to get into the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Now that's TMI.
( Pretender, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Train tug
Early on in the relationship, my now wife was giving me a tug on a train and telling me how much she liked cock. In fact, she briefly stopped tugging to demonstrate with thumb and forefinger how her previous boyfriend's schlong had been the diameter of a drinks can. After that, mine looked like a biro in her palm. A soft and useless biro.
(frankspencer, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 12:40, Reply)

AlfishKK
I also have pinched from time to time small quantities of liquid nitrogen from work to freeze veruccas and warts etc (no, not THAT kind of wart, before you ask). Works a treat.

But just this morning I was pouring a few litres of liquid N2 into a vapour trap and missed, causing it to spill over, and absorb into, the front of my jeans. Nearly froze my cock off!

I prefer making it go hard by the traditional method.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 12:10, Reply)

French class pubes
While in a French lesson at school boasting about who has grown old enough to have pubes the subject came to proof. It was decided to each trim a small amount of aforementioned pubes off to show. If this wasn't too much information when it got around to (we shall call him) RC he let out a scream and announced to the class that he had cut his nob.

Length? Least I didn't cut it off.
(Capricorn20, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 11:56, Reply)

Too much for my mum.
I'm not what you would call squeamish. While being no fan of the disgusting, it takes something strong to put me off my dinner.

As a heterosexual male, I (obviously) hold a healthy fascination / appreciation of female breasts. To the extent that when Mrs Greencloud became pregnant, one of the better side-effects (for me anyway) was her ladybumps filling out way beyond their usual proportions thanks to the wonder of lactation. The closest I got to nuptuals in the no-sex-after-birth period (3 months!) was when we were experimenting with the new breast-pump. It was really more fascinating than erotic, and of course, curiosity made me sample my daughters (then) only source of nutrition.

It is indeed sweeter than cows milk. I shared this nugget of trivia with my mother who proceeded to baulk in disgust. What's wrong? I asked. "If i can drink fucking cows milk, I can taste my wifes!" - Still looking at me as though I was some form of deviant.
I'd forgotten to say that it was the surplus result of breast pump experimentation. My mother thought I'd taken my sample directly from the nozzle so-to-speak, a-la bitty.....

Length? Took ages to 'express' but I couldn't drink a tall glassful.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 11:41, Reply)

Works do
When I had been seeing Mrs Kite for a few weeks, we went on our ward's Xmas do. Being a gent I proceeded to get her well pissed on double/quad Bacardi & Cokes. The ward staff were mainly women, there were 2 or 3 blokes, topic turns to sex. Mrs Kite is quiet and then loudly proclaims "Kitescreech can pump and pump and pump and pump and pump".
I was embarrased but proud.
(A little later she sat there saying "Oh God im gonna be sick. I dont want to die. I dont want to die". So no Pumpy action that night.)
(kitescreech still here, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 11:11, Reply)

Beans!
A friend of mine once revealed his ultimate fantasy: to have sex with a girl while the two of them are covered in baked beans.
In his defence he stated "It's the naked woman that makes it sexy"
But why cover her in beans? Why, dear god, why?
(cH3$h7846J#7, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 10:47, Reply)