My Mother is a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
I'm sure of it - why else would she be so obsessed with poo pipes?

The evidence:

Although she has a terrible long-term memory (due to many sessions of ECT) she can vividly recall any poo related incidents from mine or my brother's childhoods.

It's traumatizing enough to hear your parents shagging, but my brother and I had our ears assaulted on a regular basis by our mother groaning "ASS!ASS!" followed by slapping sounds.

We were regularly forced to drink Pripsen Powders (the worse taste in the world) 'just incase' we caught worms.

After she and my Dad divorced, she met a new man (who would later become my step-dad) of whom she informed me was 'called Dave and has a colostomy bag'.

When my Step-dad died, I went with her to register his death. 'Bowel Cancer' wasnt a dramatic enough description for her to give - she preferred 'Cancer of the Anal Stump'

She used to have a dog. When he was due his injections or what-not she would always say 'right Sandy, off to have a finger up your bum' and then inform me for the umpteenth time 'I like to have his anal glands emptied while I'm there'.

She discusses her piles with anyone who'll listen and makes sure that even those who wont, still know about them. She left a tube of pile cream on top of her toilet cistern, with shit covered nozzle still attached. I only just managed to stop my then toddler son picking it up *heave*

She has been seeing a Proctologist (A.K.A. Arse Doctor) on and off for years. She's has many tests - cameras, the lot and can never really find a cause for her 'symptoms'. I think I may have discovered it though - once while regalling me on her latest procedure, she ended with 'it wasnt too bad - infact, I quite enjoyed it'

There's probably more, but my guts are churning enough as it is :(
(Mademoiselle_Nobs woof, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 18:06, Reply)

Another one on my cousin Ben
When it comes to this topic he is the king. It was his 18th on Saturday and i decided id travel down for the festivities, he was trying to get laid that day but unfortuneately the girl he had his eye on decided she wouldn't like any of his love so his friends were desperately trying to get him someone else. When he got the phone call through that they had in fact got someone stupid enough to go near him he ran over to where i, his MUM AND STEPDAD were sitting outside a westcliff pub and shouted "yeaaaaaah! i'm gonna get laid!, i'm gonna pull her hair!" complete with thrusting motions.
(Joey Stall, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 16:36, Reply)

bean-flicking / tugging fodder
Coming into work this morning, I asked the hot receptionist if she'd had a nice evening. I was expecting the usual "watched TV" or "had a meal" - but she surprised me with a tale of voyeurism and mock prostitution:

"Yes, I had a lovely evening, Frank. My boyfriend had installed some one-way mirrors to our built-in wardrobes and asked if I would mind entertaining a couple of his mates for the evening as he watched from inside. He'd told the mates it was my fantasy to be paid for sex, and his mates are pretty fit rugby types. So I agreed.

"When they turned up, I greeted them at the door wearing my Victoria's Secret satin g-string and bra along with some stockings. I noticed hey were hard within minutes and I instructed them to strip as I sprawled, legs open, on the bed. Soon they were standing there with raging boners and watching me with carnivorous lust.

"Tom went straight for the panties and pulled them down over my long legs, noting my recent wax job with appreciation. At the same time, Dam was unhooking my bra and cupping my DDs as the nipples hardened in his palm. And all the while, my boyfriend was watching through the large mirror doors.

Well, in no time, I had Dan's considerable cock in my mouth and was polishing his helmet with my tongue and cupping his balls. Tom, meanwhile, was busy at my swollen clit, licking and sucking away in a way that made me writhe and moan as Dan's tool slipped over my tongue.

So much for foreplay. I flipped over so Tom could wedge his monstrous tool into my pussy. He was much bigger than my boyfriend and reamed out every crease in my tubes as he thrust deeper and depper, his balls finally nudging my vulva. Dan was about ready to come, so I pumped his cock with my hand and, eyes closed, held out my tongue to receive the hot gouts of cum that sprayed across my face.

"After Tom filled me with his molten cream and fell knackered to the bed, Dan was still feeling frisky and forced his still hard schlong into my ass inch by girthy inch. By now I was heading for a banshee orgasm and took my bean in hand as Dan groaned at my ass. With me rubbing wildly and him gushing (again) into my rectum, I wondered what it looked like from the wardrobe, my face glistening with cum and my orifices ravaged with lust.

"I made a hundred quid from that and my boyfriend says he's inviting his five-aside team next week... oh, wait I've got to take this call..."

Too much information? I had to go to the toilet to consider that one.
(frankspencer, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 16:26, Reply)

Rock out with your cock out
My buddy reckoned that his cock was too big for his foreskin so he went and got a circumcision. This guy is the worlds worst patient, a real pain in the ass when ever anything is wrong with him, (if he has a cold - he's dying with the flu, if he's hung over - he's got alchohol poisoning)everyone knows one like this. Anyhoo, so he goes ahead (hee hee) with the procedure(you'd swear it was fuckin heart surgery by the way he was blathering on about it) and when he was at home recovering i called in to see him and take the piss out of his misery for a while. Who needs enemys when you have friends like me. I enguired if his knob was in any way mutilated to which he replied, " my bell end looks like brains!". Curiosity got the better of me and I had to see for myself - and it did. Not nice. He has photo of it on his phone, but he won't let me post it on here.
(Kopite Ceoil agus Craic, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 16:02, Reply)

Ooh Err...
We were enjoying a fairly civilised work night out, when rather unexpectedly, a large, red-headed, Christian, former lollipop lady informed us that she liked to have sex in cars. On being asked why, she replied that she "likes the gear stick up my arse". Cue much spluttering of pints over laps and mutterings of a homeward-bound nature.
(acerola70 clichedvoice.blogspot.com, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 15:36, Reply)

that reminds me
the cat being wanked bit - of when my mum gave me the 'birds and the bees' talk. she really wanted to say nothing, but i was 17, had a boyfriend (and was already frantically banging him at every available opportunity, but she didn't know that).

she was washing the dogs in the bath after a very muddy walk, and was drying one of them off with a towel when i came in and told her i was going on the pill because of 'heavy periods'. so my dear mum panicked, and as she had a dog flipped onto his back in a towel on her lap, he bore the brunt of her panic. mum was rubbing his tummy to dry it, but as she got more embarrassed at her topic of conversation, she was rubbing him further and further down the tummy. hard. the dog was yowling and yelping, and wriggling to get free, as she may have been castrating him too. all this so she could say to me 'so, um, you know about safe sex?' me: 'yup'. mum: 'ok' (her blushing furiously the whole time).

the dog meanwhile had escaped to a safe place to lick his tender balls and ensure that they were still attached.

length - quite short and rubbed raw for the poor animal after that...

(sorry about lack of relevance...)
( ascorbate, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 14:43, Reply)

not enough information!
I went out last night with my new housemates and we ended up bringing a few people back with us, as you do. At some point I remember yelling "touch it! TOUCH IT!!" at somebody, but I don't know who it was, or what I apparently really wanted them to touch. I'm not sure if I actually want to find out or not...
(Ryuken-Kai, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 14:39, Reply)

Things I know about my parents
* My dad does not like being buggered. In his words "I tried that, and I'm definitely not gay."

* Conversely, my mum "had an intense lesbian relationship" as a teenager with her best friend.

* My mum once "accidentally" wanked off our cat. (She swears she was rubbing its tummy really fast.)

* For his 40th birthday, Dad was given a novelty g-string with an elephant's trunk on it, and a pair of socks featuring a naked spread-eagled woman with bobble-knitted 3D boobies and the words PARTY NAKED. He entertained us for the remainder of the evening wearing nothing but these items.

* When having an innocent phone conversation about life in general, mum asked how things were going with my boyfriend, and jovially inferred I would be getting much amazing rumpo. To this I responded "Er, I'm on, actually." She replied "Oh, don't you do it during your period? The last time your father and I did it it was *very* red."

grandmasterfluffles' mum probably beats my parents hands down (her pants), but I could have lived without knowing my parents' menstrual habits.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 14:35, Reply)

The birth of babypickle
Mrs spikeypickle2b was cut to ribbons as babypickle was quite awkward on his way out. The afterbirth looked a bit like steak and liver, lady parts looked a bit messy and there was a nice pool of blood on the floor.

My mate asked if everything was ok and I told him the same. He was sick :)I don't think he was expecting quite so much detail but after knowing me for quite a few years he really should have known better.

And belly buttons smell funny when they fall off.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 14:30, Reply)

Once worked with this guy we thought was gay
He had never official come out though. Everytime the conversation had headed that way he laughed it off and changed subject. We were all staying in a hotel in Manchester, he had vanished for the night and the rest of us spent the night drinking and playing on playstation. Next morning he missed breakfast and we were all sitting in the car waiting to go and no sign of him, someone called him and he said he was on the way, jokingly the person that called him said he sounded out of breath and was probably on the job. 5 minutes later he came running out and got in the car, we had moved about 10 feet when he said in an awkward voice stop. We asked him what was up and he said

"Sorry guys got to go change my pants, my arse is dripping cum and its rather unpleasent"

Not the way I would imagine most people coming out of the closet
(Long time lurker, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 12:54, Reply)

back in the very early days...

of our relationship when we were both still full of wonderful shinyness and fear of making fools of ourselves, me and my lovely boyfriend were watching a movie. feeling very very cosy after a day of beery goodness, i nipped to the bathroom to find i had come 'on'. i then proceeded back to boyfriend's room...

me: argh! i'm bleeding everywhere!! lend me some pants!
*pause*
him: um *sighs*, and i was worried about holding in my farts...*PPPFFFFTTT*

this seemed to set the tone for the rest of our relationship
(mushi anti-hero!, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 11:44, Reply)

tight lips
Ms Swipes story reminded me about my mates wife, who shall remain known as "tight lips". I went round their house for dinner the other week and noticed she had a pain full looking 'eye infection' so I asked her what she'd been upto. she smiled sweetly and said it's all Stueys fault, him and his bad aim. she'd given him permisson to do the money shot on her face, quote "not in the mouth as that's horrid!" and he'd managed to get it up her nose and in both eyes
and this was about an hour before I arrived,
in the kitchen,
where we were now eating dinner.
Stuey said oh it's ok, we wiped it up with that tea-towel, which was now sat about 12inches away from my dinner. I didn't offer to help with the washing up.
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Wed 12 Sep 2007, 11:30, Reply)

Just last night....
I came stamping down the stairs in fits of rage, burst into the kitchen and announced "that Aloe Vera toilet paper is rubbish!"
I had expeceted my boyfriend to be there but instead it was his mother who turned and asked me "why do you need aloe vera toilet paper?"
I then had to share with her the secret of my bottom problem, and how i'd hoped the 'natural kindness of aloe vera' (thats what is says on the packet) would help me out.
TMI for her, red faces for me!
Incedentally - aloe vera toilet paper - its rubbish.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 10:34, Reply)

Duranimo!
"Too Much Information" was the third single to be released from Duran Duran's 1993 album, Duran Duran, popularly known as The Wedding Album.

Sorry couldn't resist :p

Length? 4 minutes and 56 seconds...
( aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 10:31, Reply)

my brother's friend
currently has a really nasty eye infection where the entire white of the eye has turned red. it seeps and oozes pus and he is naturally very sensitive about it.

he was on the train this morning travelling into town and there was a lady sitting opposite him with her little girl. after a few minutes, the little girl tugged at her mother's arm and said plaintively (and loudly):

"mummy, can we move? that man is scaring me. he looks like the devil!"

ok, hearing it doesn't quite qualify as TMI, but i can't stop laughing about it, so thought i would share the love...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 10:01, Reply)

I live in Sweden,,,
.. and we have A great sexual health ethos.. but it goes a weeee bit too far when it comes to TV advertising.

8pm, happily awaiting something cool to watch on TV while munching my pickled herring, and a women in a white coat comes on...

"Are you one of the many women who suffers from bad.smelling vaginal discharge? It can happen after and before menstruation, after sex, or sometimes for no reason... if your vagina leaks foul-smelling puss-like discharge, you may want to try THIS product"

Nice. Thanks a Bundle. Suddenly the pickled herring in garlic sauce looses the already tenuous appeal =(
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 12 Sep 2007, 9:36, Reply)

TMI
The ex colleague who had a drunken evening of bumfun with a lady friend and announced to the office "The sheets definitely needed washing though, because they were covered in shit stains".
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 12 Sep 2007, 9:19, Reply)

TMI
At a works do, a former line manager suddenly blurted out:

"I prefer going down on my wife when I have a coldsore, 'cos I really like the tingly/stingy sensation. Especially if she's just been to the loo".

Cue tumbleweed and the deafening sound of stunned silence.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 12 Sep 2007, 9:17, Reply)

Mozchops
Would that be the new special edition car - the Renault McCann?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 9:11, Reply)

Boot of my car ...
And its contents.

What's the Portugese for too much information?

Regards,
Kate McCann
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 8:43, Reply)

I have found
that any conversation containing the words "seeping", "discharge" or "suppurating" is already, or soon will be TMI.

I feel slightly sick right now as I remember why I know this.
(lustfish, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 8:18, Reply)

Clotted Menustration
I asked my friend if he'd done anything newsworthy lately as we were sat together at a small dinner party.

"Well, I spent far too much time last night picking lumps of clotted menstration out of my pubes".

Thanks for that Julian. No really, Cheers.
(Sammyj, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 8:07, Reply)

Places I don't want to be...
...would include the same room as my mother and my then girlfriend as they talk about giving birth.

In graphic detail.

Thankfully time (or more likely alcomahol) has allowed me to forget what followed the words "When i was giving birth to him..."
(williamthebloody, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 4:11, Reply)

Not One Of Mine.
In fact, I thought I'd heard this tale on B3ta but can't find it so thought I'd better post it for you.

A young lad of about 19 was working in a nursing home for the Terminally Bewildered and was doing his rounds one night. So he goes into an old crones bedroom to check on her and find her with her nightie rucked up around her waist and is masturbating frantically.

"Betty!! What are you doing" he asks her in a state of shock.

Cracking open one wrinkled eye and still wanking furiously, Betty looks at him and cackles:

"Thinking of you....."

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 2:55, Reply)

ehherm
when the interweb realised that I had a thoroughly iffy side to me. Needless to say I milked it for all it was worth.........If I said any more, I'd either be verry popular or without a job!
( Whodathunkit, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 1:19, Reply)

Foot-in-mouth syndrome
I once had a summer job in a shoe store. In quiet times, we sales people would have to stand around, and talk would invariably turn to sex.

One time, one of my female coworkers and I were talking about gay men vs. lesbians, and how easy it was to tell. Our conclusion was that it was generally harder to tell if a woman was a lesbian than if a man was gay.

Just then, two middle-aged women walked in to the store who were so obviously a couple you'd have to be blind not to see it.

I took my coworker to one side and whispered, with a nod in their direction: "How's that for a pair of dykes?"

She apparently didn't quite hear me, and said in a loud, clear and carrying voice: "WHAT? A PAIR OF DICE?!?"

I hid in the back of the store until they left.
(arvana, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 0:14, Reply)

Bus/Cock-related comments
I went to High School in rural Cheshire, so there were some funny folk about.

Particularly strange was a group of kids about two years younger than us, who used to continually irritate the driver by standing next to him and talking bollocks. All through the journey.

I'll never forget the day I got off the bus and overheard one spakker say to the (clearly distressed) driver:
"...and Sam's dick smelt of fish when we sniffed it!"
Didn't see that driver again after that.
*pop*
*obligatory knob gag*
*woot*
(pharmatron Death or Scunthorpe? CHOOSE!!, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 23:49, Reply)

Mmmm acne
I once squeezed an enormous zit on the side of my husbands cock. A massive great amount of toothpaste like substance squirted out. There had been so much in there that I could feel it while we were enacting the rites of Venus.
(grangeb77 bored of sigs. boom zig, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 23:35, Reply)

Really TMI
I sometimes flick the bean to frankspencers stories.
(grangeb77 bored of sigs. boom zig, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 23:21, Reply)

Some of you have heard it before ...
But I will repeat the dire warning. Do Not Use Fairy Liquid As An Anal Lubricant.

It burns for hours, although your poo does not come out bubbly.

I have also sampled my own breast milk, and yes it was very sweet.
(grangeb77 bored of sigs. boom zig, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 23:15, Reply)