Want to erase pen without using tip ex?
Simply write over the pen with pencil and rub out with a normal eraser.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Mon 2 Jul 2007, 17:42, Reply)

Pants
Wearing pants will help prevent your trouser rump smelling of bottom.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 2 Jul 2007, 16:57, Reply)

Always try to keep your lungs positioned above your kidneys.

( diffy maybs, Sun 1 Jul 2007, 19:25, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Do you have a dark area in your house?

A well placed lamp will normally sort out the problem.
( diffy maybs, Sun 1 Jul 2007, 17:53, Reply)

Terrorists
Jeeps are a viable and inexpensive alternative to planes.
(HNGTHDJ, Sun 1 Jul 2007, 15:14, Reply)

If you are planning on breaking up with a long-term girlfriend do not:
a) Do it on a short break in Paris
b) Do it on a short break in Paris when there are still a few days to go with no means of escape
c) Angrily tell her that you always found her best friend more attractive than her
and, most importantly, d) Do NOT do it on the Eiffel Tower when she asks you if you love her, after you both having watched a couple get engaged
( Dave the Mighty, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:08, Reply)

Need to hold your breath?
Longer than anyone else? Simply hyperventilate first. The resulting decrease in blood pCO2 means you can hold your breath for longer, as the CO2 takes longer to reach the level in the blood that stimulates breathing.

100% true.
(iwantacone, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 0:55, Reply)

Feeling ill
Stick 2 fingers up your arse. This will not make you ill but it will when you stick them back your throat!
(Adaminho, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 19:51, Reply)

parents
avoid losing children by not going out to a bar while on holiday
( Trollman, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 14:06, Reply)

theonetheycallalex,
Old rabbits make great raincoats.
(bugboybeast, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 8:22, Reply)

If in doubt throw it out
works with;
food
partners
children
( Super piat I am the owl, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 21:55, Reply)

old Rainhats..
make great overcoats for rabbits
(theonetheycallalex YAY!, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 18:55, Reply)

Easy Dog Clean-Up

Tired of scooping up your dog's shit and toting it around on your walk? Simply carry some shredded cheese with you and sprinkle it on the steaming pile. The next dog to come along will enjoy the treat.
( salamander, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 7:17, Reply)

Bit of Bed Snooker Know-How...
If the shot on the pink is snookered by an errant red, go for the cheeky pot on the brown. Good for 4 points, and/or a sudden bout of singledom depending on the situation.

You all know what I mean, you cheeky guys...
(anothercold1 likes a good bit of brisket., Thu 28 Jun 2007, 2:12, Reply)

The Bouncer Touch
a trick I learned from a friend who learned it from a bouncer:

Idiots standing in your way in a pub/club?

no amount of throat clearing or asking moving them out of the way?

Apply light pressure to the kidney area and they will move out of your way faster than prunes through a short grandmother.

This definitely works, and has become a useful addition to what I like to call my crowd-slicing toolbox.*

*I don't like to call it this
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 27 Jun 2007, 15:37, Reply)

Someone used permanent marker on a whiteboard?
Just go over the writing with a dry wipe marker and the writing will wipe off as normal!
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Wed 27 Jun 2007, 9:11, Reply)

Marker on glass
Never tried nail polish remover, but hairspray works really well, too.
(RDT <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><, Wed 27 Jun 2007, 4:12, Reply)

Apple Crumble
Put sliced almonds out of a packet on top.
(Smedlorificus I Am The Eater Of Cheese, Tue 26 Jun 2007, 22:46, Reply)

sex tip 2 (re cornish_breeze)
"Never ever believe that it is ok to poke a finger up your hubbys ass to encourage climax.
One it makes him jump 2 feet in the air,
Two it makes you look a pervert"

Is that all? tell the poor sod Know in advance , and dont do it without being gentle!

An ex of mine had decided she wanted kiddies, ( nice if i`d been told) had spoken to one of her nursey friends and had this great idea if she pushed very hard on the prostate she could get a weeks worth and increase her chances of conception. On the vinegar bits I got a finger up my bum, pulled out in shock, the finger went right up and did something, the button was hit. she got tadpoles everywhere, I didnt know I could be that voluminous or projectile, she got it in her eyes, not funny and the bedroom stank of semen even after cleaning up at 3am and her parents were picking us up next morning, all I could smell was mine and it was strong what a great night, "smells like you had an orgy in here"

Ladies warn your man, do it gently or dont bother. If you do it properly with CORRECT timing and no long fingernails it is a very different experience, really almost quite nice but not without a a funny feeling of somehow not rightness for most of us blokes.


( that links to cleaning up spillages, but a spoon is no use when when it is up the plush bedhead or in her eyes)
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Tue 26 Jun 2007, 20:01, Reply)

To clean up spillages...
Simply use a spoon to scrape and lift the offending liquid out of the carpet, keeping a cup/basin handy to empty the spoon into.
Works better than a flannel or cloth - FACT.
For best results use a big spoon.
( Fitznicely into a thimble, Tue 26 Jun 2007, 1:43, Reply)

dont
Google pretty much ANYTHING that is in this weesk QOTW. Especially Harlequin Babies, OK ?
(kitescreech still here, Mon 25 Jun 2007, 22:15, Reply)

'permanent' markers
got marker pen on glass or any other shiny/smooth surface, then use some nail polish remover and a tissue to wipe away. n.b. test on a discreet section to see if no damage is done to surface as this can occur on some plastics.

i say this because as a chemist i work with pure acetone, and it acts as a great solvent for cleaning glassware of all but the most stubborn of stains - these i destroy with concentrated sulphuric acid.

its also great for shifting fresh(still wet/tacky) paint stains on glass or soapstone. [i make paint test samples on occasion]
(trainee mad doctor is currently trying to build a secret laboratory, Mon 25 Jun 2007, 21:26, Reply)

when in church
Scream THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAA!!!!! at the top of your lungs then jump out of the closest window
(McShaggswell, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 20:33, Reply)

sex tip
Never ever believe that it is ok to poke a finger up your hubbys ass to encourage climax.
One it makes him jump 2 feet in the air,
Two it makes you look a pervert

That is all ,,,,move on.............
(cornish_breeze I havnt failed! I found 1000 ways that didnt work!, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 14:40, Reply)

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES




1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.


Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Always remember...
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally.........
* Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might
need them to empty your bedpan.
(cornish_breeze I havnt failed! I found 1000 ways that didnt work!, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 14:37, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Tennyson was a monumental cunt...
That is all. I sincerely hope his passing was painful.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Sun 24 Jun 2007, 12:20, Reply)

Cous cous and raw sugar
Cous cous and raw sugar look similar, but only one works with coffee.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 1:05, Reply)

Hand sanitiser.
This stuff is extremely good at cleaning "tobacco" resin from pipes or other smoking paraphernalia.

Simply apply on a cotton-bud/Q-tip and then once you've got most of it out, rinse the whole thing.

Works like a charm.

Also used it to clean my laptop screen, does the trick.
(Sunny Govan Mr McCuntywankybollocks, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 23:20, Reply)

When showering
go from the top down, and do your ass last...

you dont want a shitty face

that is all
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 21:01, 1 reply, 15 years ago)