Networking
Having internet connection troubles? Rather than spend best part of an hour pissing about with router settings, leads, power adapters, drivers and digging out an old computer from the loft to test, check to see if you've not accidentally switched off the Wi-Fi on the front of the laptop when you picked it up to get comfy on the sofa.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 9:47, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Call Center Phone Monkeys
That phone system you log in to is set to give the person who has been waiting for a call the longest the next call that comes in the queue.

Intermittently make yourself unavailable then available real quick. It'll knock your waiting time back to zero, therefore resulting in less calls, and is less obvious than sitting in "busy" or "call work".
(StupidAmericanTourist, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 3:24, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Real Madrid.
Avoid spending 80 million on Ronaldo, just go to Matalan where you can get a big girls blouse for under a tenner.
(kitescreech still here, Mon 15 Jun 2009, 7:26, Reply)

When expecting a blowjob
When expecting a blow job, don't use a baby wipe for a quick alternative to a gentleman's wash. It will just result in awkward questions
(Multi-Coloured Pop Shop "twat with a ukulele", Sat 13 Jun 2009, 10:52, Reply)

When Taking a shit:in public toilets
- Lay toilet paper in the bowl on top of the water to prevent the 'plooop' noise, and as a added bonus there is no splash of cold water

- use a strip of TP down the front of the toilet so your junk doesn't touch the bowl

that is all.
(mediumformat likes cyan, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 6:22, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Prevent burglars stealing your cash
Destroy it securely using a cross-cut shredder.
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:08, Reply)

homeless?
in the stockport area?

why not sleep in a tent for a few nights, just head over to decathlon where there are about ten pop up tents dotted about the grass verges of the car park.
the shop doesnt open till 10 so you'll be long gone by then.
(suboftheday, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 23:01, Reply)

How to annoy your flatmate
If you really want to piss your flatmate off, eat their food, drink their drink, use their toothpaste, steal their shower gel and hair gel, don't flush the toilet after you piss, leave piles of freshly washed still-wet clothes on the sofa, forget to turn the iron off on a regular basis, never put the ironing board away after you use it, fail to close the fridge properly after you open it, borrow their CDs without asking and only give them back when they're noticed missing, go out without your keys and ring the doorbell at 2am to get them to let you in, only wash the dishes every third or fourth time it's your turn (and then only when there are more dirty dishes in your room than in the kitchen), stink the house up with so much Lynx it leaves a haze in the air, and, judging by the curly hairs I've just found, use my beard trimmer to shave your fucking pubic hair.

Sorry, did I say my beard trimmer? I meant "your flatmate's beard trimmer". Obviously.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 11:54, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Save money during the recession
never flush your toilet ever and use a thimble for drinking and shaving. Do not wash.
( Peej, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 9:36, Reply)

Don't put a bag of potatoes in a cupboard you never use.
Cos 2 months later when you wonder what's in that cupboard, the potatoes will be crawling with maggots........*shudders*
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 6 Jun 2009, 23:18, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't ever
finger your girlfriend/wife after you've finely chopped a red chilli.

Even if you have washed your hands several times and several hours have passed it appears that some chilli-ness remains.

Taking this advice will avoid you the embarrassment of seeing your significant other running from the bedroom shouting "My cunt you cunt!"
(zebby wasting irony here on, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 13:51, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Crusties - avoid having to clean your teeth in the morning
by simply smoking a menthol fag instead. Hey presto! Fresh breath*!



*This is a genuine piece of "advice" I was been given by a crusty once.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 12:56, Reply)

Resident of small villlage in Wiltshire.
Before stopping a lorry to harras the driver about going through a weight limit area please make sure that a) you know the limit and b) that the lorry is above that limit. Stopping me in a 7.5T lorry going through an 18T limit will just make you look stupid.
(ZacT, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 22:48, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

conscious about revealing your own or your freinds identities in QOTW.
dont just replace their name with a single letter like B or X,
just make up a name like Ian or Dave.

it makes it much easier to read, its more likely to be enjoyed and i'm more likely to try and picture the gormless bastard that fell into the shitters at glasto or whatever.

apologies to any ians or daves who are now going to be hunted down by the mob and have their cats raped by baboons
(suboftheday, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 19:33, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Can't think up a decent top tip?
then fuck off
(mmmkay, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 3:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Energy Saving tip
Save money on boiling water for your hot water bottle by shitting into a plastic bag and using that instead.

(This tip was especially meant for the tight cunt who suggested boiling a cup of water for shaving rather than using the hot water from the tap cos it was cheaper)
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 23:05, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cats
Having trouble getting your human slave out of bed in the morning?

Try pissing on the bed whilst they are still in it, they'll never ignore you again.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 13:49, Reply)

Holidays
If going on holiday don't use a french airline as they surrender to a slight wind and end up going for a swim instead.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 11:04, Reply)

Disturbance
Make your wife/partner/gay lover/flatmate come running into the kitchen shouting "What the fuck's that noise?" by feeding a whole lemon into the waste disposal unit.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 18:59, Reply)

Babybel's and their skins...
When your friend inevitably becomes addicted to Babybel cheeses and insists on trampling the wax coatings onto your laminate kitchen floor, the easiest way to remove them is set them on fire.

It doesn't even ruin the floor, honest.
(shinobiboabi, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 7:27, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

The difference between knowledge and wisdom
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

So there...
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Sun 31 May 2009, 15:28, Reply)

Top Tip
Remove the transit bar in the new washing machine before you turn it on; (ie: read the big A4 page that is stuck to the top of the machine, as well as the manual if you are a nerd).
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Sat 30 May 2009, 17:35, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't give away free samples of "New Pepsi Raw"
on the corner of one of the busiest pedestrian areas in London - it makes it a fuckload harder for anyone to walk past.

And it tastes like pish
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Thu 28 May 2009, 13:09, Reply)

When I'm fixing your computer,
and have explained the problem to you, fixed it, possibly told you what you should have done differently or, if it was simply The Will of Windows, how to avoid it or fix it yourself easily next time, I don't need you to explain what you previously thought you could do to fix it, or why you thought what you thought would fix it, or any permutation of your logical thought processes which started with what you had for breakfast and led you to calling me.

I especially don't need you to explain these things *after* I have fixed your problem.

As a techie, I am quite comfortable with quiet whilst I think. In fact, I prefer it. You don't need to fill dead air. I will find it much easier to not fuck your computer up any more than it already is if you can stop your gums flapping for just two minutes.

* Does not apply to females in the 17-35 age bracket.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 28 May 2009, 10:21, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

an Incredibly Nerdy one.
I paint models, and have found that it's easier to paint the more detailed bits with a toothpick dipped in paint. They're thin, and you don't need to worry about the bristles spazzing out when you touch the model.
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Thu 28 May 2009, 9:25, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Apparently there are different types of suppository,
Do not assume like I did that all suppositories are for the curing of piles. I have had a bit of arse based pain (not caused by the cock in case anyone asks) and did the man thing of asking my mates rather than a medical expert "It's a farmer" stated Thommo "Get some suppositories and poke one up you chute 3 times a day and the little fucker'll retreat".

To Morrison's treks I and sees suppositories on the shelf and promptly selects a packet, not wishing to linger around what I had christened in my mind 'The bum grape aisle'. After getting home, barricading myself in the bathroom and gingerly slipping a KY'd suppository up my tea towel holder I went about my business.

Until some time later when a strange and unpleasant feeling eminated from my lower area. I shot upstairs and shat out 3/4 of a pint of arse water with similar effect to a Karcher pressure washer and a reduced Glycerin suppository. Apparently to be taken for constipation. Not bungy jumping blood vessels.

Well how the fuck should I know, it's my first arse grape.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Wed 27 May 2009, 22:33, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Want some time away from the Wife/Girlfriend?
Now this only works if your Girlfriend/wife actually likes you!

If I have a new game for the PS3 or fancy going ou with the lads, start an argument. The thing I like best is to have a day off work and sit around and do nothing, dont even get dressed until she gets home, she goes mad and ignores you. You can draw this out for as long as you want.

My wife will ignore me until I say sorry and 10 mins later we're back to normal. During this "ignore" time spend it as you wish, hang out with the lads and come home at all hours, if she moans that you're late just tell her that you were being ignored and needed to see you friends to cheer you up, following this up with the apology from the previous incident.

Works every time!

Hope the wife doesnt read this.

My wife is also the type of person who does my chores to prove a point that I'm lazy. I had an argument the other day came back from work to find the back garden had been mowed, bonus!! She said she did it because I was too lazy, 10 mins after I said sorry she was making me dinner and all was forgiven
(rambosilk Liberty for wolves is death to the lambs., Wed 27 May 2009, 16:03, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Blu-Tac
Have a work colleague who is always fucking about with a blob of Blu-Tac? Maybe they use it as a stress relief ball thing that used to be popular 10 years ago, maybe they use copious amounts of the stuff when they don't really need to.

When they're not about, preferably at lunchtime when they're gone for a while, collect up their Blue-Tac, spear it onto a paperclip and set fire to it.

It will burn steadily much like a candle wick and whilst doing so turns from blue to white. Eventually, whatever it is that is flammable will run out and the flame will go out.

As the 'white tac' as it has become cools down, it turns back blue again. It's like magic.

When it's cool enough to touch, ever so gently take it off the paperclip and place it back on your colleague's desk. It still looks exactly like the original piece of Blu-Tac except now it has different properties.

It has become a chalky substance which is more crumbly than a stock cube and consequently when the colleague picks it up, it will fall apart between their fingers.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 27 May 2009, 11:53, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When responding to a QOTW...
...about impulse buys, or for future reference buying anything or bringing/taking something with you.
Please learn the difference between something that you bought and something that you brought!

Yes I'm a spelling/grammar Nazi, but come on! All of my English second language friends can manage this!

I'll go back to my lonely pedantic cave now...
(Mr Alexander si rsdawkcab, Wed 27 May 2009, 0:16, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)