An American cupcake is not the same size as a British fairy cake. It's much bigger.
When following an American cupcake recipe, use muffin papers, not little baking cases. Otherwise you'll have leftover cake batter but not enough to make anything useful with, and your cupcakes will be a bit too crispy on the outside because of the cooking time.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 19:04, Reply)

Avoid unholy wrongness
By not commiting pooicide at work with a whiskey hangover.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:53, Reply)

IF someone annoys you on b3ta just spit on them
then dangle your cock like a victorious viking into a whorish virgin's broom cupboard.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 16:07, Reply)

men...
try taping sandpaper to your hand before you have a wank.
I fucking hate you.
(8allright is praying you've got a cold, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 1:43, 10 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

best way to fry an egg
Buy one of those non stick frying pans - with a lid also mentioned in sandettie light vessel automatic's post.

The lid allows the spitting fat to drip back onto the egg which cooks the top half too.

Crack it into the pan, put the lid on - medium heat and Leave until the top goes white.

Trust me.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 17 Mar 2010, 8:53, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ariel is a washing liquid
Or possibly a mermaid.

Arial is a font.

Aerial is another word for antenna.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 12:43, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

gripping stuff.

(pastcaring trembling in a corner....., Sun 14 Mar 2010, 14:09, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Had a row with your partner?
Use their toothbrush instead of your own for a week or so, just in case and then go buy a new one.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 13 Mar 2010, 0:32, Reply)

Need lubrication?
Swarfega™ lubricates AND exfoliates.
( FlexAlux laughed at something inappropriate on, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 15:09, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Amaze strangers!
If you have one of those cars that have "see you home headlights", get to know the timing of how long it takes to switch off.

That way when you've locked your car and are walking away from it and some stranger shouts at you 'Oi mate! You've left your lights on' you can simply turn around, waggle your finger at the car and see the look of confusion on the strangers face as the lights go out.

Well, I say 'look of confusuion' it may be a look of 'you fucking knobend'.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:33, Reply)

Eating a spoonful
of Vaseline every day may lead to greasy motions.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 8:42, Reply)

Avoid tears
when chopping onions by not using a serrated knife as it causes a lot of eye-stinging sulphenic acids to spray everywhere. Use a flat blade kitchen knife and make sure it's sharp.

Oh, and get the fuck on with it. The less time you're handling it before it goes in the pan, the better as onion juice tends to make the ends of your fingernails take on a yellowish hue giving the impression that you spend a lot of time scratching your anus.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 20:00, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Having trouble shaving Biffin's Bridge?
Try flossing with a length of sandpaper.

Excellent results for haemarrhoids too.
(NiplyTheElder tried to slip clunge into a conversation on, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 15:15, Reply)

Fed up with stuff sticking to your frying pan?
Buy one of those non-stick ones from Asda for about a tenner, comes with a lid too. I've never had a better non-stick pan. Keep metal utensils out of it though.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 15:03, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Do things properly, efficiently, and avoid failing in the first place
Thus avoiding the need to take notice of any top tips.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:19, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Birds
Stop asking men if they think you have put on weight, buy some fucking bathroom scales and find out.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 8:31, Reply)

Kinda pissed off for no reason?
Don't post a load of old shite on message boards you don't usually frequent, it makes you look like a tool.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 20:41, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Improve your partner's mouth hygiene
by rubbing in a small amount of mouthwash and/or toothpaste into your bell-end prior to receiving fellatio. Remember to apply it sparingly and keep away from the end because you don't want to get it down your hog's eye.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 15:03, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Headache
Got a headache but no access to aspirin or similar medication? Eat a couple of slices of raw potato. It will either cure your headache or take your mind off it.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 14:20, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Want to feel righteous and superior, and express your hatred for those you feel to be wrong, bad, or below you?
It may help a lot with your blood pressure if you realise that everyone's just as ugly and beautiful as each other, and as such everyone shines in different areas, and that you, like everyone else, are just as annoying to some as those who annoy you.

As such you may like to let go of your rage, and do something constructive instead.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 14:09, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Dog owners -
does your brainless bag of fluff masquerading as a Scots terrier like to bite the postman's fingers?
Ever wondered why your newspaper and post is only half way through your letter box and there is a freezing draught in your hall?
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:57, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Fitness fans -
Do you like to do press-ups in the nude? Do you have full length windows by your front door? Is your 'exercise mat' in fact a body size cut out of Lady GaGa?
Then pull your curtains you fucking freak.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:53, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

the oil light in your car...
the little red one... i've heard it called the genie lamp. don't ignore this light, or you have to rub it and wish for a new car.
(Floz Nietsnezolf doesn't have photoshop, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 23:35, Reply)

Can't afford new history textbooks?
Just use old Modern Studies books.
(SlamDunc loves orange soda..., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 18:29, Reply)

Grammar and language nazis
Avoid embarassment by never, ever making any form of mistake ever, or you will look like silly hypocritical twits desperate to find fault with others as some way of persuading yourself that you're actually better than others and suffering from MASSIVE Napoleon complexes.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:56, 20 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Want to increase moral at work?
Find the office cnut (normaly your boss) and regulary cough on their keyboard. The more that you can get to join in, the more sick days that person has to take, the happier your work enviroment will be!
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 13:44, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Electric toothbrush?
Don't switch it on until it's in your mouth and switch it off before you remove it.

Save getting toothpaste on your tie like I do most mornings. DOH!
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 12:52, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Makers of 24
Don't bother with Year 9

PLEASE
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 1 Mar 2010, 15:42, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Hoover not sucking any more?
Bagless Hoover stopped sucking? The fine, white filter that sits next to the sponge filter is the one that is stopping the air from going through it and the thing that is blocking it is dust - skin particles.

Take the filter out (so you have the white material in its plastic frame) and put it into a solution of Ariel Excel Gel. (about a teaspoon in half a pint.) This stuff works at 15C so even though you start off hot, it can only cool down to room temperature (about 20C) so it will never stop working and you don't have to keep it warm.

After about 3 hours, take it out, rinse it, dry it (on a radiator for a few hours, not just with a cloth), put it back. It works.

If yours is particularly dirty, you might have to repeat the process a few times. We do this once a week and it works all right.
(jflinden wifflewaffle, Sun 28 Feb 2010, 14:43, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Printer toner running out?
Don't take it out of the printer and shake it about. Ink will more than likely come out of it and cover you. You won't realise this until you serve a customer and they look at you like you're contagious.
(Xstopher, Thu 25 Feb 2010, 17:40, Reply)