My first ever troll
Just after watching donnie darko.
I'd got excited about it for ages because of the cult following it had attracted. I thought the film was a load of pretentious guff, so I went on a donnie darko fan forum just to annoy the fans and tell them I got it and all but it was a load of bollocks. They got really pissed off at me which made me feel much better about wasting an evening for some reason.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 20 May 2011, 21:29, 7 replies)

My brother the git
My the brothers the one in the family that fixes everyones computers , every family has one apparently.
One day my laptop refused to obey my commands , me and technolgy don't get on.
So i phone him up.
me-"yo my laptop keeps turning itself off after it gets to the desktop"
Him -"oh thats easy , as you turn it on hold F13, should solve everything"
"ok cheers"
Then i hung up and spent ten minutes looking for the sodding button.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 20 May 2011, 21:01, 3 replies)

I had to visit a Justin Bieber video to get this.....

This was posted about 15 minutes ago on youtube. Wonderful stuff

"You say Taylor Swift,I say Breaking Benjamin

You say Lady Gaga,I say Evanescence

You say Miley Cyrus,I say Slipknot

You say T-Pain,I say Three Days Grace

You say Eminem,I say Linkin Park

you say justin bieber, fuck you :|

You say Flowers,I say Puddle of Mudd

92% of teens have turned to pop and hip-hop.If you are part of the 8% that still listens to real music, copy and paste this message to 5 other videos. DONT LET ROCK N ROLL DIE ! , P.S Thumbs Up If You Agree"

Maybe I'm not as hip and with it as this guy, but I don't even know what a breaking benjamin is. It sounds lewd though
(El_diablo_blanco, Fri 20 May 2011, 20:43, 9 replies)

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 20 May 2011, 20:19, 7 replies)

Remember frankspencer?
This reply was to the Guilty Pleasures (Part 2) QoTW a few years back. I particularly like frankspencer's response...

www.b3ta.com/questions/guiltypleasures2/post131305
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 20 May 2011, 20:16, 9 replies)

I tell people who keep bees that they are putting the public in danger.
I ask them if they know bees sting, and that it hurts. I ask them if they know they can swarm and kill people. I ask them if they are sure it's legal to keep bees.

In reality, I don't care, but bee keepers are very easy to troll.
( I smash things in my sleep uruk-hai ...and I'll look low. Now where'd they go?, Fri 20 May 2011, 20:11, Reply)

A few years ago I tried to troll
a US-based forum for supporters of the Republican Party. I did a kind of exaggerated satire of a paranoid right-winger, and started going on about how Barack Obama was secretly born in Kenya and a Muslim.

To their credit, they had quite a good sense of humour about it. Some people even pretended to agree with me!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 May 2011, 19:52, Reply)

Macho Man?
Pansy Boy more like.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 May 2011, 19:51, 4 replies)

WoW>Lightbringer>Hellsbunnies>me.
Nuff said:D
( riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 20 May 2011, 19:26, 2 replies)

This parrot is no good!
It's useless. It's stopped living. It's not a parrot any more.

Classic stuff.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 May 2011, 19:04, 2 replies)

both my grandfathers were
my dad was when he left school, although he moved on after that ... but i was told very clearly as a kid i should never make my way in life as a fisherman

oh, *trolling* ...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Fri 20 May 2011, 18:37, 2 replies)

sunbed girls
i love quietly singing the oompa loompa song at them as i walk past, orange freaks that they are.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 20 May 2011, 18:14, 30 replies)

My colleague's desk is...
...covered in fucking Trolls!
He is a TROLL.

He has about 30, yes thirty, of the little fluorescent-haired plastic little french-tickler little fucks scattered around his fucking desk/work area. Everyday when I'd arrive I'd ask myself, "What kind of fucking dickhead does this guy think he is?"

After working with this scrawny little acne addled bollock massager I asked him the following, "Why do you have about 30 trolls scattered on your work space and an executive drumkit?"...His answer, "To annoy self-important dickheads like you."

That fuckin' learned me. Turns out he's a top lad and he likes MASSIVE DRUGS.

Bye.
(iamdoingapooasisignup, Fri 20 May 2011, 17:51, Reply)

Harley Davidson riders
are good targets.

They are always hugely proud of their shitty slow noisy crapheaps. Any criticism will send them into an immediate frothy rage. It is also well worth the trouble of pointing out to them, when they get too pompous about how much a Harley costs, that a good midrange Harley costs about the same as a base model Ford Focus.

Oh, and Linux users can be provoked into an excellent nerd-fury without too much effort.
(username failed moderation, Fri 20 May 2011, 17:29, 12 replies)

I love
telling people their favourite bands are overrated.

"Radiohead" they say

"overrated" I say

"The Beatles" they say

"overrated" I say

"what are YOU listening to then?" they say

"Oh, you wouldn't have heard of them" I say, with a smug-as-fuck face.

And then I ride off into the sunset on my fixed gear bike, whilst wearing boat shoes and skintight jeans and the sweatiest arsecrack this side of Canvey Island. (I do not need to drive a Honda, know Kung Fu or have sexual relations with any professionally employed models to know I'm the coolest man in the world.)

(I'm actually listening to Shed Seven though)
(Pat_Gash, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:12, 30 replies)

Anyone who likes b3ta is a total Fucktard.
and anyone who disagrees with me is a Fucktard.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Fri 20 May 2011, 16:11, 6 replies)

2001: A Space Odyssey*
Is a terrible, terrible film. It may be brilliant in terms of cinematography, but in terms of plot, characterisation, action or anything else that makes a film watchable, it's absolutely dire. People say "it makes sense if you read the book" - which just means it has failed utterly as a film.

*Also really hard to spell
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:58, 40 replies)

Thing is
The emergency services do a bloody hard, intense job, and are understandably miserable most of the time.

You try and cheer them up with a bit of fun and they get all uppity.

Fucks me right off.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:51, 6 replies)

About the best I can muster.
Was calling 100 and asking to speak to Busby. Repeatedly.

Never did get to speak to him:-(
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:41, 8 replies)

'Raging Bull'? 'Raging Bollocks', more like
Real life trolling. In the company of men, I once dared to suggest that Raging Bull is not a great film. My point was that in terms of direction and performance, it's technically brilliant - two of the twentieth century's greatest cinema artists at the peak of their powers. However, it's also Scorcese and De Niro wallowing in misery, self-hatred and guilt, ploughing all their energy in to a biopic of an awful man, and making a film that ultimately has nothing to offer. I think that they could, and should, have done better.

Just my opinion of course, but men seem to get massively upset, not just annoyed, at this. I still troll my friends with this on occasion, especially when they are drunk, and even though they know I'm winding them up they go in to dismayed "But how can you say that!" diatribes. Interesting that people get so passionately defensive of a film about a wifebeating thug. I don't do it often though because they usually end up tearfully threatening to punch me.
( The Vomiting Hitchhiker Mephistopheles is such a mouthful in Manhattan, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:38, 11 replies)

mistaken trolling
I once wrote on a Terry Pratchett fan group on Usenet a simple 'hello' note, introduced myself and said innocently 'as he's tackled thinly veiled concepts in the Discworld novels such as the Police, Racism, Drugs, Newspapers, Politics etc. what should he tackle next? Global brands like Coca Cola? Organised religion? Pornography?

The unexpected torrent of rage I got from a collection of self-styled 'Guardians' of PTerry was astonishing, and plenty of ALL CAPS too. "HE'S A GENIUS HE DOESN'T NEED SUGGESTIONS FROM YOU" and "HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU COULD SUGGEST HE HAS RUN OUT OF IDEAS" and "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO SPEAK HIS NAME".

What they should have said is,'well maybe this or maybe that and personally I'd like to see him deal with the slave trade perhaps, but he'd never see or read these suggestions anyway as he goes out of his way to avoid fan pages and especially fanfic as he doesn't want to later be accused of stealing ideas'.

The fact these people got totally offended on behalf of someone who doesn't care about their opinions was amusing- I could have prodded it further but I didn't want to get accosted in the street by people who had tracked me down so they could point their 'wizard's staff' at me while issuing a 'magic spell'.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 20 May 2011, 15:34, 7 replies)

The Game
The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game, The Game.

Now fuck off and die.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:30, 15 replies)

Sadly, I'm far too busy shagging women and being intelligent to be interested in football, but
I would think Shirley that there's some opportunity for people to tell us their stories of excellent chants that they've been party to? I'm thinking along the lines of the minimalist brilliance of "You're shit, and you know you are, you're shit, and you know you are" to the tune of Go West, or Millwall's "Everybody hates us, we don't care"?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:27, 18 replies)

Forget Rick-Rolling...
Best Troll Link Ever!
(Sciuridae with Paridae How long has it been since I last posted?, Fri 20 May 2011, 15:13, 6 replies)

I once told Monty Boyce...
...that I liked David Bowie.


Then I told him why. He didn't agree. We didn't even agree to disagree.



And he was wrong as well.

Some people!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:46, 4 replies)

The Pigeon Troll Is Out There
marcvaldez.blogspot.com/2007/04/bird-man-of-fresno-one-mans-nuisance-is.html

A man known in Fresno, California for feeding local pigeons had passed away, and I wanted to highlight his gentle legacy. Within hours, a bloodthirsty anti-pigeon fanatic from the UK found the post, took aim, and fired.

(Apologies - the fanatic's link no longer functions. His pictures of shotguns and piles with hundreds of dead pigeons each said it all).
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:27, 2 replies)

after
many, many years of owning and using windows/PC's, I've finally bitten the bullet and bought a shiny mac.

I've used it for a good 10 minutes now and its utter shit. I'm taking it back. I dont really like 'dumbed down' things, I'm very tech savvy really, and prefer to feel like I'm using a professional tool. Mac's are obviously good for music and movies and stuff, but I work in the real world, and a Mac just doesnt cut it.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:23, 24 replies)

Back when I first started posting several years ago,
I posted this on Top Tips, completely unexpecting the response. For clarity, I was known as Maudlin McCann back then.

www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post133658
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 14:22, 11 replies)