Things I have learnt from this QOTW
1. I have led a very sheltered life.

To be fair, I could probably say that most weeks.
( GarbageFan didn't know what to have as a board sig on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 22:07, Reply)

Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice
has a shaved cunt. Here's a picture.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 20:54, Reply)

Nudie Wear
For many years the late Nudie Cohn dressed country music singers like Porter Wagoner and Hank Snow in glittering suits for the stage. In a Nashville, Tennessee, thrift shop was some rhinestone encrusted neckwear. It was an unexpected Nudie tie.
(uncle_bud is not the jelly roll king., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 20:15, Reply)

Work Nudity..
Now,

There are a few people on here who know me, and know what I do for a living, so for them, this story may not be that bad...

I work for the government, in one of their highly furbished custodial centres.

On the day in question, I was working in the Education department, where the residents came to get their qualifications.

Sitting in the office, reading my book, I heard some commotion out in the corridor, but thought nothing of it, as it was smoke break time, and there would be people milling about as they went outside for a fag.

Shortly afterwards, I heard a tap on the office window (a full width window, that came down to about 3 foot off the floor), and a shout of "Oi, IPTCIS, look at this". Upon looking up, I was greeted with what could only be described as the most shocking thing I've seen since Goatse.

Two of the residents, successfully recreating the Arabian Goggles, both, stark bollock naked, but instead of lying down, one was sat on the other ones shoulders and had his bollocks pressed against the window.

I couldn't do anything except for laugh, and I couldn't even bring myself to tell them off, as I was laughing too hard at it.

Length? It must have been 5 inches long, bent to the right and slightly withered at the end.
(Code of Post lives at the moment in time that is..., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 19:14, 1 reply)

Tits, bum, fanny, the lot.
It was at a party in 1988. I'd been out on the lash all day (well, as much as all day you could during the days when pubs closed between 3 and 6pm). My mate Stan had come down for the day and I bunked off college. Rebel, me. Stan had left the year before, but was still good mates with a few people from the halls of residence and kept in touch. One of whom was having a house party.

"Fancy it"? He asked.

Never one to shirk an open invitation like that, I agreed. Well, probably slurred by that point, but I was certainly up for it. And off we trooped to this house. I knew one of the housemates anyway as she'd been in the halls the year before, plus there were a few other familiar faces there (including one of my future housemates).

The evening wore on, everyone got progressively more trousered, and the other housemate decided to go to bed. Sarah, I think she was called.

Myself, and probably the rest of the room, were a bit taken aback when, an hour later, the door to the living room was flung open and a somewhat hefty pair of norks hoved into view, nicely backlit by the light in the hallway. Then my drunken haze realised that they were attached to Sarah. And that it wasn't just her norks on display, but the rest of her too.

"I can't get to sleep" said Sarah matter of factly "So I'm going to make myself some cocoa. Does anyone else want some"?

I don't know what was the most unexpected, to be honest. To be confronted by a frankly quite stunning woman in all her glory, or being asked if I wanted some cocoa at a party characterised by excessive alcohol and substance abuse.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 18:52, 2 replies)

Enzyme reminds me
It was New Year's Eve some time back. I'd been out for the night with the ex, and we'd popped home quickly before heading back out again to do the traditional standing around the market square waiting for the clock tower to chime in midnight so we could wish total strangers a Happy New Year.

We lived close to the bus station, and the route to the clock tower took us past it. As we approached I noticed a shape huddled in the rose bushes.

I say huddled, as we drew nearer I could see that it was a young lady, bent forward, with her hands resting on her knees, skirt hitched around her waist and her knickers around her ankles.

Within a split second, a torrent of urine sprayed from her exposed sausage depository... And I mean a torrent. It gushed forth with a ferocity that would have put the Piper Alpha blaze out in one fell scoot.

I think the lass was completely oblivious to the fact that she was in public. Until an older woman who was walking in the opposite direction, and obviously a bit worse for wear herself, noticed what was happening and decided to shout "OOH, WEE WEE" at the top of her voice, while the roses glinted in the half moonlight with yellow dew.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 18:37, Reply)

Those were the days....
Many years ago, going on a narrow-boat holiday on the River Avon, I slept on the roof of the boat. It was probably common consent - six young men existing on a diet of junk food and beer does not lead to a pleasant night-time aroma, and I snore dreadfully too.

Anyway, one morning I wake up in the brightness of a new day to discover that (a) my blanket has ridden down in the night, and (b) my little soldier is proudly standing to attention as I lie on my back and has escaped the confines of my pants.

These days I can only weep at the lost diamond-cutter hardness and long-lasting turgidity that I could achieve then, but at the time I was mortified.

So, apologies to anyone in Stratford who had their early-morning stroll by the river marred back in July, 1987. I hope you've got over it now.
(uncle whippity, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 18:00, Reply)

Public shower bishop bashing
I went swimming with a bunch of mates once (teenager, late 80s) and when we left for the showers we discovered a guy of around the same age already there, completely naked. The nakedness itself wasn't that much of a surprise, the fact that he was furiously wanking was. He stopped what he was doing but didn't seem at all embarrassed, finishing his shower tackle out. The problem in such a situation is where to look. You either have to make a point of looking in the other direction, which just seems unnatural, or you look in the direction of the the person and then your eyes can't help being drawn to the offending area.
Saw the guy working in McDonald's a few days later (and no, I'm sure he didn't do anything unpleasant in a burger ...)
(Terrible Tiger, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 18:00, Reply)

Postman Twat!
A few weeks ago on one Saturday morning, the wife decides she'd get us a breakfast roll from the local butchers. It's about five mins away, after 15 mins I hear the front gate open, and being the mischievous blighter I am, I decided it would be funny to stick my willy through the letter box.....it wasnt the wife and my cock was rammed by two bank statements and our voting cards.

Wife came home 5 mins later.
(rambosilk Liberty for wolves is death to the lambs., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 17:01, 2 replies)

A good few years back, on holiday with my family
we were sat by the pool enjoying a bit of sun. The area was partially enclosed, and so overlooked by the villas, and whilst gazing around at one point I noticed a family sat out on their balcony, naked.

Now, age and experience has matured (pfft) me into an open-minded* individual who is firmly in favour of naturism; nudity rarely makes me uncomfortable (pretty much my own, and that's down to not being comfortable with my current appearance, not the nudity itself), plus I'm a care worker so it's not a big leap for me to seperate it from a sexual context.
However, back then I was a much younger Jess with little actual experience of actual people being actually naked and, curious creature that I am, I had the odd glance over after that just to catch up with whether nudists really were just normal people (and almost certainly to see a bit more nekkid). There was a woman, a man and a girl who didn't look that much younger than me, she seemed to be about 13/14, I assumed it was parents and their daughter.

Sure enough, normal people, getting on with enjoying their holiday, just with ever so slightly less covering than most people present so no tan lines while the majority happily got on with considering themselves 'decent' because they had their groin and nipples just about hidden.
But then one of the times I happened to look over I saw something that still puzzles me to this day- the 'father' putting suntan cream on the 'daughter', happily slathering it all over her developed but still barely pubescent breasts while she gazed bored out over the pool.

Here's a good reason for the '*', I like to consider myself open-minded (don't we all) but that I simply can't make fit in my head, no way I turn the facts makes it come out any less creepier to me. I simply could not imagine a man, even my dad, massaging my norks at that age and it not feel sexual/awkward but also

...she could reach perfectly well herself so it wasn't even necessary!!!
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 16:25, 6 replies)

Subject failure. At least partially
Under the given circumstances nudity was very expectable on this frech campsite. It was a public site with a sign saying that some dolt should unlock the toilets in the evening. All arrivers were told to install themselves. In fact the toilets were locked, but it seemed no problem to the newly-married Mrs. Timbolator and me.
As opposed to the expected key bearer, evening came (and went). Some bushes were watered by us and another couple, adding to 4 guests that night.
The next morning made it obvious: The night would be for free as well as the shit in the bushes. So after breakfast the full quartet strolled through the bushes and found their spot to dung. Obviosly quite a few visitors had done the same, so the Stinkfoot competition was disclosed. Watching unknown people crap in the bushes is definitely far from erotic. At least to me!
I had a really lovely shit in the freshest air poo_ssible.
After finishing and getting up again, i gasped in horror in sight of a giant turd i had obviously overlooked. How could i have missed this pile? And where is my humble heap? I
After some thinking i remembered the many toilet bowls i had sealed over the past years. My digestion is clearly an under-achiever.

Length? 1 ft. i guess
(timbolator successfully hiding from the authorities on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 15:38, Reply)

Pee-roast
I told this in the Voyeurism QotW, but it seems to fit in here as well.

During my long, long postgrad years, I was a supervisor in student accommodation at Bunglingham university. One advantage of this was that, if we were doing the job for several years, we got accommodation free over the summer.

Now, between A-level results and freshers’ week, we used to get families coming along to the site to check out potential accommodation. One fine, late August afternoon, I was at my desk, writing and intermittently gazing out of the window, watching one such family: Mum, Dad and rather attractive blonde daughter.

The block of flats opposite my window, just across the lawn, was next to the bike sheds and laundry block, and there was a secluded alley between them. The family was clearly unaware that there was anyone living on the site at all: I’m sure of this because I happened to look up just in time to see the rather attractive daughter pulling down her jeans, leaning against the wall of the flats for support, and taking a pee.

Some people would pay money for that kind of show. It’s not my thing, though, and were the story to end there, I would probably feel a bit bad about having seen what I did.

But there was more: behind the daughter, the mother was doing the same thing. And behind the mother, the father.

I admire close families… but mass micturation?

*shudders*

Length? No idea. Blonde daughter’s head obscured the view.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 15:36, 2 replies)

A peedy-coprophiliac's wet dream in the woods
One crisp autumn day last year I was walking my dogs towards a car park where, unknown to me, some travellers' caravans had been all night.

I rounded a bend and saw two girls of about 12, doing something or other on the path. This was term-time so no kids should've been about, so I thought, hmm, wonder what they're up to...

Then I noticed that both girls had their pants down, and I saw them suddenly squat down with their backs to me and crap on the path.

I skidded to a halt, grabbed both dogs' collars and spun round, heading back a little more quickly than we'd arrived. Yuk.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 14:56, 1 reply)

Semi-Unexpected Nudity
It was june, I was 18.

It the first trip of many to the flattest of lands.

I was with my mate and his missus.

They had bailed out on me on one of the afternoons that we were there.
Not to be deterred with the lack of companions I ensconced myself in the local coffee shop.

Not one to shy away from social interactions I was happily chatting away to a group of lads from teh_toon.

Nice fellows all round. Usual bullshit for a conversation leads to the following question:

"Any one have any tattoo's or piercing's or anything?"

The whole group of lads started to look uncomfortable, I get the impression that they knew where this line of questioning would lead.

All except for the largest (In stature) member of the grou; whom had rather a smug grin on his features.

"I've got a Prince Albert!"

Myself being naive and unworldly (yea right!) was for a moment confused.

"That's one in your schlong isn't it?"

"Yup" he replies nonchalantly, "Wanna see it?"

My reply was this.

"I seriously don't think that you are going to whip out your piece infront of all of these people."

I was clearly mistaken.

Nice guys though, shame about the errant tadger.
(d347hm4n Fraggin your ass!, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 14:55, 7 replies)

Little Bastard!
A few years ago my little sister (17) was shacked up with a 29 year old crack head, no job just the scum of the earth. They were together about 6 months before I found out what he was really like.

One Sunday afternoon I took an unexpected trip to my Mum's house and found that the front door had been kicked in. After a load of crying from my sister I'd found out that he'd kick the shit out of her and then booted her out of the house with no top on. After my sister had got back to my mums he turned up pist and kicked the door in. After a while of her begging me not to do anything I had a drive over to his house. Was in two minds to knock, but ended up booting the fucker off its hinges. He came running to the top of the stairs in just a towl and I saw red, grabbed the little fucker pulled him outside and began to pan the shit out of him whilst he was bollock naked.

Not a very funny story but....
(rambosilk Liberty for wolves is death to the lambs., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 14:51, 5 replies)

Brighton beach
has a nudist bit just next to the cinema. A while ago i was walking along the promenade and my mate said "holy shit! There's a bloke over there with three legs!"

It wasn't a leg, which was probably why I've never seen a happier looking person since.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 14:32, Reply)

One over the Door-man
A few years ago whilst I was in the Police, my beat area was a well known hot spot for ladies of the night, whores basically. One evening whilst on patrol I came accross a blue MG sport, the poor mans Impreza with the windows slightly steaming up.

In the passenger seat was a well known hooker, in her late 40's with a bloke no older than 25 getting sucked off, who looked strangley familiar. The usual bullshit was conversed, "i didnt know she was a whore, I was just giving her a lift!". I never arrested the punters, the fear that the wife/girlfriend may find out was always enough. I never saw the same one twice.

About a month or two later I went out with the lads and we were turned away from a night club, there were 30 of us. Just as we were about to leave I saw the same bloke getting his dick sucked by the Granny crack head on the doors. I walked over to him and said "you drive a blue MG, dont you?" He didnt recognise me for a split second, but then it hit. Two mins later we were all in the VIP bar!

Even funnier about 4 months later, he moved in accross the road from me! Sad though because he was married with two kids. Still it was a cracking night
(rambosilk Liberty for wolves is death to the lambs., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 14:13, Reply)

Snigger...smirk...giggle
I tell you what...I once saw another man's willy!

*snigger*

_{Sorry, I'm really just trying to avoid work now...}
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 14:12, 1 reply)

Lovely Jubblies!!
When I was 18 I worked in an Office for a well known Banking Group. At School i wasnt the best looking lad, i've been 6'3 since I was 13 and weighed about 10 stone, so it's safe to say the nearest I got to a shag was when the School bike said she's suck me off and let me shag her for a box of matches, no joke! I couldnt get a boner though : (.

Anyway, I bulked up a fair bit when I turned 18 and started finally getting female attention. Working in an office you are surrounded by WOMEN. Young temps and late 20's who are trying to claw their way back to the good days (thats my stage at the mo). One late 20's in my offce named Becky, she was fit as! Lovely 34E tits and an arse to die for. We use to flirt all the time together, she was married and i didnt think it would go further.

One staff night out we ended up at a house party, Becky disapeared off up stairs and text me asking to come up. I got up stairs and found a dark bedroom with her in bed, so I took my trousers off with a massive boner and climbed into bed too. At the time I thought I couldnt believe my luck, until I heard a blokes voice saying "err, fuckin hell!" It wasnt becky, it was the 14 year old son of the the bloke who's party it was! I'd gone into the wrong room! I jumped out of bed with my face as red as my boner, and left the room with my trousers in one hand and my pants in the other.

I found Becky in another room, she didnt want a shag she was pissed out of her face and needed a bucket to be sick in. I never did shag her...gutted!
(rambosilk Liberty for wolves is death to the lambs., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 14:01, Reply)

That's not just an arse crack, that's an M&S arse crack
I was dragged shopping this morning by a bloke friend of mine who for some reason - perhaps impaired vision - decided I could be of assistance as some kind of personal stylist who could help him replenish his ailing wardrobe. Second port of call (having stared incredulously at the price tags on faux-distressed t-shirts in Topman) was Marks and Spencers where he was keen to purchase identical but much newer underwear to the stuff he already has. We located this and the frowning began. He couldn't remember what size to get.

"Check your label," sez I, thinking practically.
"If you could just read it for me..." sez he, fumbling round the back of his pants and lowering them enough to whip out the required label...

...at which point two auld birds - who precisely fitted the M&S elderly shopper demographic as evidenced by the blue rinse and the comfort-fit elastic waistband trousers - shuffled past arthritically enough to get a good long look at my mate exposing most of his arse to them.

Medium, as it happens.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 14:01, 3 replies)

Un expected but certainly not un-erotic.
For a while I rented a room for a couple of years off a family I knew from church. One of their daughters, Nic was about my age and having a few days at home between a working holiday in South America with her boyfriend and returning to University. One day Dawn visted me when everyone else was out. She asked about the wallet of photos on the mantlepiece and said Nic wouldn't mind her looking. As I'd sat through the pictures the previous evening and Dawn had known Nic for much longer than I had I couldn't see a problem. I discovered that I had been given the edited version. I'd seen the pics at the lagoon. Boyfriend diving in by the waterfall.Nic swimming with just her head and shoulders showing above the water with shoulder straps clearly visible. Dawn turned over the next pic. Nic posing on a rock with water dripping off her unfettered and fairly ample boobs which were usually hidden under baggy jumpers. I think Dawn was a bit surprised because it was a while before she turned to the next shot. A bit later when Nic got home Dawn explained what had happened. My comment of "they were very nice" didn't go down to well and I never did get the copies I asked for.
(jvz, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 13:53, Reply)

First full frontal
imbatman has just jolted my memory (you bastard) about my first encounter that I can remember, with a full frontal vision of a nudey woman.
A family friend's sister, originally from Jamaica, was over from Canada and visiting. She was staying at ours with her brother for a few days as we hadn't seen her in about 10 years.
She had a shower and exited the bathroom stark-bollock-naked just as I reached the top of the stairs to enter my room right next door.
She'd omitted to don a towel before opening the door and so I was presented with a vision of dark skin, darker nipples and a cunningly woven bush of shimmering black hair.
Just a shame she was well over 70. Still, GILFs eh? Phwoar.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 13:50, Reply)

Nudey grandma
My step-mother's best friend's mother sadly suffers from dementia and lives in a nice care home in Glasgow. My step-mother and friend were visiting one day, waiting for her to meet them in the lobby, when she ambled down the stairs completely naked. This image was quite a shock to most of those present, but not to the seasoned professionals of the home. One of the male nurses remarked quick-as-a-flash "Whoops! Someone needs ironing!"
( imbatman, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 13:33, Reply)

Splish splash
Years ago there used to be a PE teachers' training college near our house. It used to let the locals use the facilities for various activities whenever they weren't in use and it was whilst a group of us kids were on our way to an evening of whacking cocks back be forth (shuttlecocks of course) that one of the guys stopped dead in his tracks with his jaw almost down to his knees. We followed his gaze through the window overlooking the swimming pool. We could clearly see a scuba diver under water with a camera pointed at something wrapped in a flag. As the flag slowly moved through the water we realized it was being waved wetly by a stunning, naked woman! (she may have been ugly as sin, we were 12 or 13 and her face was the last thing we were interested in)

So, if you ever see any arty nude underwater photos with a model holding a flag (can't remember if it was a UK or US flag) that looks like it was taken in the early 80s, just think of the pleasure they gave 4 young lads before they were even printed.
( SteamedCleaner, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 13:27, Reply)

Not un-erotic at all...
The background: I'm good mates with a young lass who works in our office. We're both bored at work, so spend a fair bit of the day emailing each other about everything and nothing. Since she lives round the corner from my house, we go out for a few drinks every once in a while. There's a little light flirting, but that's it - I'm married and she lives with her fella. Plus there's a 10-year age gap, which makes me feel like a dirty old man when I think of her in "that way". She's lovely though, in every sense of the word - she has a great personality and is as fit as a butchers dog.

The unexpected nudity: a couple of months back, there's just the two of us in our office and she says "Scouse, I'm trying to save this file to my pen drive and it says there no room. What's wrong?"
I then go for the obvious "there's probably no room left on your pen drive" To which she does her crap girlie impression and goes "ScooOOOooooouse! Can you come help?"
So I wander over to her PC to help. I point and she clicks. We go through her pen drive, deleting all the crap she doesn't need. There'sa folder called "Wednesday", so I get her to right click - properties and discover it's about 300 meg. So I say "what's that?"
"no idea", she says and opens the folder. Turns out it's full of jpg's, all called stuff like DCN0001.jpg so she double clicks on the first one.

And reveals an image of herself, naked, lying on a bed. She screams "OhMyGodMeAndMarkWereDrunkAndHeTookSomePicturesAndIPutThemOnHereToKeepThemSafe!" and slams her hands onto the screen, covering her ladygarden and 32E boobs (I asked). At which point, I say "you do know you're gonna have to move a hand away to close that picture, don't you?"

Yay. 21-year-old boobs!

I keep asking her for copies, but she's having none of it.

Length? Considerably longer after that...
(ScousersPet, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 12:56, 3 replies)

One Todger, Two broken ankles
Had got back to my one bedroom ground floor flat late one night, we had been clubbing but I was the designated driver so hadnt been drinking. Was just drifting off about 2 am when I heard a knock. Semi-asleep went to the front door and there was no one there. I thought "bloody kids" and went back to bed but heard the knocking again. This time more awake I could tell it was coming from my kitchen. I turned on the light to see a hand on my window, which I opened, to find my upstairs neighbour sitting outside stark b*ll*cked naked.
He asked me to help as he thought he had broken his ankles and was cold. once I realised I wasnt dreaming I gave him an old dressing gown and a drink and awaited for the ambulance to arrive. Kept him talking and warm for about 10 minutes before he was taken off to hospital.
The bloke made a full recovery but what amazes everyone is how he had broken his ankles.

The chap lived above me in a two storey flat scheme. Apparently he had been a sleep in the buff but for some reason had been sleepwalking, out of his flat and woke up when the flat door had closed behind him leaving him with no protection and no money.

I am sure we can all think of what we might do in this situation but he had an ingenious idea. The block of flats was next door to a local convenience store, and one of his flat windows was slightly open. So he climbed on the roof of the shop and took a running jump across the alleyway and at his window. Which lead to him just about grabbing the windowsill for a couple of seconds before falling down like a shaved Wile E Coyote towards his doom. I am not sure what will have hurt more the fall or scrapping your testicles down a rough brick wall.

He moved out as soon as his lease expired.
(lordofallhesurveys How appropriate you fight like a cow, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 12:47, 2 replies)

Curtains
Oh dear. Oh deary dear. I've been pummelling my brain for the best part of a week trying to figure out if I had a story for this week or not. And then, just now, after having my mind violated by Spaff_Quaffer's story below, a memory I had buried for the last 5 years has just come back with the vengeance and fury of a thousand angry rhinos.

The year was 2004, and I had just started my final year at university. My mental state was not the best, as my fiancee had just left me. So things were at best, somewhat shakey for me. That, and I didn't have any curtains in my room. But I figured that I could get it sorted the morning after. Looking back, I now curse that particular episode of student laziness.

As it was the first day of arriving back at uni, I was too tired to even play on the computer or go down to the pub, so I settled down with a can of beer and a decent book to watch the sun go down. That was what Warrington was brilliant for- boredom and sunsets.

Now an important fact to bear in mind about the shape of the halls of residence I was staying in is that they are essentially H shaped. Now with that in mind, my room was on the left of the middle of the bar of the H, and my next door neighbour's was on the top left bar of the H, effectively meaning I could see things I would rather not. That is I could see directly. Into. His. Room.

And as I was sat, enjoying my book, beer and slight boredom, I became aware as I stared through my curtainless window, that his light was on. And then I became of a certain... rhythmic movement. That is, up and down. The silly bastard was happily shagging his frankly anorexic girlfriend with the light on, and the curtains open.

I bought a pair of curtains the next day.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 12:17, 1 reply)

I have a 6 month old boy.
In March this year, my wife, child, and her family decided to go up town for my wife's birthday. A nice meal and lashings of Sun -lik was had in Ping-Pong, the london eye was ridden, and I was constantly checking my phone for football updates, and Neil Harris scored a hat trick for Millwall against Hartlepool, coming back from 2 - 0 down.

A nice time was being had by all.

Then we decided to go for a drink before going home. We ended up in some stange building nearby which had a theatre in it. It was like a conference centre, but had a bar in it so all was well.

My son needed changing, so being a modern male I decided to go and change him. I slung my wifes garish changing bag onto my shoulder, picked up my son and off we went to the get his arse changed.

I found a baby changing room, opened the door, and in we went.

Only to be greeted with the sight of a big fat greasy pig of a woman woman sitting on the toilet in the corner, pulling a blood soaked cunt mouse out of her hairy clopper.

"Jesus fucking Christ, sorry!" I think I said, as my body recoiled. The roly poly chair breaker noticed me at that moment and started jabbering on in some pissed off johnny foreigner language. Of course, I had already about turned and was making for the door - no doubt giving my son a good eyeful of the irate fat fuck with her gigantic trollies around her pale swollen ankles as we exited the room.

Ordinarily I would have buggered off and found somewhere else, but this place was like a maze, and my lad needed changing. I couldn't be arsed to try and find another, and besides, what was that salad dodging flabmeister doing in there anyway? She should have gone to the ladies, which I guess was a bit too far for her waddle to.

So I waited outside for fatty boom boom to finish plugging her unkempt fadge, trying to come to terms with what I had just witnessed. She came out, clocked me and started going off on one again in German or Polish or whatever.

"You shouldn't have been in there anyway, its for baby changing" I informed her.

She looked at me blankly, so I pointed to the sign on the door. She looked at it, tutted, and waddled off.

Try as I might, I can't get the image out of my head, and my brain seems to load it up at the most inconvenient moments.

The horror. The horror.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 11:31, 9 replies)

House rules
Everyone who shares a house with friends has these. The house rules. Usually stuff like "Do not steal each others food, do not hog the shower for hours on end, do your own washing up."

Our house has an additional house rule which I'm fairly certain most other houses don't have.

It's fairly simple. If you're a man, and you're not living in the house, after 7 pm, you must wander around naked.

Because I live with 5 girls, all of whom have boyfriends, this now means I see a lot of cock whether I want to or not. And because we're all at uni, 2 of my housemates weren't in any serious relationships for a while and used to bring men home at times, so I've been subjected to lots of different cocks.

This house rule developed by accident, and tends to freak out any new guests that anyone invites over, especially as it's only halfheartedly enforced. Most nights it's potluck whether you get a clear run or if you get a face full of wingwong.

I'm so very, very glad to be moving out in a few months.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 11:20, 4 replies)

Young Naturist
I was about 12 or so and playing on the swings and roundabout at the local park.

My brother and I got the roundabout whizzing around at high speed and then jumped on and leaned out, our backs and bums really close to tarmac (no soft safety surface or speed limited roundabouts here!)

A man approached with his daughter in tow and asked if we could slow the roundabout down so that his daughter could get on. His daughter was about my age and quite pretty, but utterly naked!!

My jaw dropped to the ground and I think my brother did likewise. Neither of had seen much of female private parts! We slowed the roundabout down to a halt and the man introduced his daughter to us.

I wanted to stare at her rude bits but couldn't as her Dad was there!

So back do the spinning roundabout and occasional (but fascinating!) glimpses of young lady bits!

The man and his daughter were completely unfazed by her nudity - something that really puzzled me!

I told my Mum when we got back and she said it was disgusting (I thought it was nice though!)
( Vambo, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 11:09, 1 reply)