Not mine, but witnessed
was after a hefty bong session a mate (chic) scarfed down a large hawaian pizza. A little later he felt it coming back on him.. although the poor boy hadn't been drinking that much water, so the resultant pizza came out like a big dry turd, slowly forcing it's way out, hanging there refusing to drop. Needless to say i stood by crying with laughter.. so was my friend!
( null and void, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 12:49, Reply)

Vinegar vom
The night before we were to receive our Higher exam results last year, three friends and my brother and I decided to have a premature celebration/drowning of sorrows in my back garden using half a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Irn Bru. This was a truly filthy combination, but we all knocked it back as best we could. The vodka ran out pretty quickly, so raided the cupboard and came up with a bottle of gin. If the mixture of vodka and 'Bru was bad, gin was appalling. After that we went for a walk.

That's the last thing I remember before waking up in my bed, totally naked with my exam results envelope lying on my face and a rapidly retreating mother calling "You've been sick!" over her shoulder. I had indeed, a bright orange mixture of thai chicken fillets and Irn Bru all over my beige carpet. I felt monumentally ill, but of course was made to get on my hands and knees and clean up the mess, which resulted in my running to the bathroom several times an hour to expell a totally clear liquid which felt like pure acid into the toilet. The combination of handling lumpy puke and having my throat assaulted by some kind of organic paint stripper has yet to be equalled.
(SusK, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 12:43, Reply)

It was the day
I handed in my resignation letter, I decided to celebrate with a few colleagues.
We started off in the pub next to the office, a few double vodkas later, decided to move to another place, a few more doubles and I feel I'm going to be sick so I decide to make a dash for the toilets. I make it up the stairs, unfortunately my stomach doesn't and I puked on the landing. Feeling a second wave coming on I decide to carry on my way to the loo, unfortunately, I slip in my puke face first.
Friend found me, had to clean me up, and took me back to her place.
(albator, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 12:41, Reply)

a good few years ago
i was going out with a lass, and after a particularly heavy night in town, drinking all kinds of stuff, we headed back to her parents house (only 18 at the time). unfortuantly my intestines disagreed with my alcohol intake, and decided to return it to the real world. dashed into the downstairs loo, and managed to get, ooh at least 10% of the vom in the bowl, the rest of it kinda pebbledashed the place. interestingly it'd all come out in the exact reverse order of the drinks going in, judging by colouring.. next morning i wake up on gf's floor, at about midday. turns out her mum had cleaned the loo up to its previous spick and span condition, but not befor her sister had walked in, bare foot... she never forgave me..
(5lab, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 12:35, Reply)

A couple of mates
and myself, who hadn't seen each other for a while, decided to meet up for a bite to eat and few quiet beers as you do. The monkey chews in chalk farm seemed like a sensible venue, as it was a local and respectable purveyor of both food and alcohol, great.
Having polished off enough food to fill a donkey we proceeded to the bar area to continue drinking.
Someone noticed a full bottle of absinthe on the wall behind the bar and like bulls who just noticed a large red flag we promptly ordered four shots, flaming shots with a spoon of sugar and drunk through a fine straw no less. Anyway an hour or two later, still sat at the bar, we had finished the bottle and moved onto Guinness. Very very drunk by this point we where kindly asked to leave after inadvertently insulting the girl behind the bar. After much protesting the bouncers kindly ended the dispute by forcibly ejecting us out onto the pavement. Determined to continue on our quest for brain damage we commandeered an outside table around the corner and smoked a few crafty spiffs, clumsily trying to hide it from frowning glass collectors etc. Well I think that skunk was the straw that broke the camels back because a chain reaction vomiting fest was to follow, all four of us managed to cover the whole area in thick green vomit. The tabletop, bench seats and pavement where literally covered in perfectly matching puke, it was a thoroughly disgusting site I will never forget. I am truly sorry to whoever was responsible for cleaning up the mess.
Anyway we managed somehow to make a cunning getaway and avoid a fatal beating from the bouncers. Don't think I've been back there since, shame really, its a nice pub.
( ferret charmer, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 12:29, Reply)

Not me but a friend.
Picture the scene, You are showing off your rock climbing skills and you are 50ft up a tree, it is dark and you are drunk, very drunk. Next thing you know is you are falling lucky thing was a nice big branch breaks your fall, fracturing a vertebrae and breaking an ankle.
Now for the vomit..
The unfortunate tree climber was in Casualty lying in bed wearing a neck brace that totally restricted head and neck movement. Suddenly our victim reflex vomits..well what goes up must come down soaking him in his own vomit.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 12:24, Reply)

Not that bad surely
This event occurred back in the days when I lived a more hedonistic lifestyle than I do now.

Was living in a detached house overlooking neighbours driveway with 5 mates at the time and we had a number of friends over for a bit of a smack party. The bathrooms were quickly occupied as was the kitchen sink. Cue beginners vomit coming from every single window in the place.

Noticed neighbour hosing down driveway later in the day with very sour expression.
(r0slynne, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 12:12, Reply)

This actually happened to 2 friends of mine.
Let's call one of them Alan, for that is his name. Al was so drunk one night that he actually got up and pissed in his wardrobe, but that's another story...
On a BA flight from London to Cairo, Al takes full of advantage of the free G 'n' T's in business class accompanied by his colleague and mate Wayne.
Al gets up to use the lavatorial facilities, albeit a little wobbly. He doesn't come back. For an hour and a half.
Wayne, although slightly pissed himself, gets a little concerned as it's getting close to landing so he calls the trolly dolly and tells her. They trail Al to the airborne bog he was last seen entering where they try to attract his attention by banging on the door.
No answer. Al's obviously passed out in an alcoholic fugue.
So the trolly dolly unlocks the door and there is Al in all his glory, cacks barely around his thighs, his underpants bespattered with shite and the whole khazi redecorated with an in flight chicken meal.
Wayne has to pull up Al's shitty trollies and trews and get the fat bugger back into his seat.
Al is taken off the plane at Cairo airport in a wheel chair.
PS Sorry for length.
(Doctor Evil, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 12:11, Reply)

The Straw Hat Beast
My most recent sick saga was the morning after a pretty good party at my friend's house where a load of us stayed overnight. It's on 3 levels with a toilet on each so when I felt the greasy breakfast I had just eaten start churning away I thought I'd go to the top floor where I could barf in relative privacy and no one else would have to listen to it. I was in no particular rush (this is a pretty regular occurence) so calmly locked the door, lifted the toilet seat and was about to wait for the nausea to start rolling over me again when I saw the BIGGEST poo I had ever seen in my life blocking the pan. The pathetic attempt at flushing it away was having no effect but by then the whole bending over thing mixed with trying to break the back of this beast were taking their toll. Now call me old fashioned but I just cannot be sick in the same bowl when something like that is looking back at me so I had to spend the next 30 minutes pushing bits of bacon and egg down the plughole of the sink with my thumb all the time dry retching. It wouldn't have been so bad but whoever had done it looked as if they had been eating straw hats!?!?!
(Loving Vixen, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 12:02, Reply)

Nobody vomits like a kid vomits.....
About five years ago, our eldest daughter - who was about two at the time - came toddling into the living room looking decidedly iffy, came up to me and said "Daddy I think I'm going to be ......", and then proceeded to blow chunks in a manner usually reserved for people accustomed to consuming 14 pints of guinness and a large vindaloo.... For some reason, I held out both hands, cupped in such a fashion as to catch the aforementioned liquid-laugh, little realising the phenomenal capacity of vomit that one so small can produce. Having reached overflow limit in a little over a second, I realised the futility of my actions, and deciding there probably wasn't a vessel in the house big enough to contain the tide of puke emitting from my offspring, I decided to abandon my original plan, and get her to the bathroom as fast as was possible....
Dumping the vomit I'd already collected onto the floor (this didn't seem to present a major problem, as we'd only recently had all the carpets removed and laminate flooring put down throughout the whole house....a fact for which at this precise moment I was supremely grateful), I grabbed my infant vomit-tardis, turned her around (let's face it, as much as we love 'em, we don't want them puking in our faces...), and headed off for the bathroom.

And this was my undoing....

To get to the bathroom (it was a bungalow), I had to pass from the living room, through the hall, across the dining room, into the inner hall, and thence into the bog. We made it as far as the dining room before she upchucked in an even more spectacular fashion than previously. Unfortunatley, I wasn't aware of this fact until my bare feet made contact with it........did I mention the fact we'd recently had laminate flooring laid?

The resulting fall would have looked unbelievable even by cartoon standards. There was the running on the spot sequence - featured highly in Scooby Doo episodes where Shaggy tries to leg it but never seems to get anywhere - followed by the slow motion descent straight onto my backside whilst yelling "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo......!" in perfect synchronisation.
Somehow, throughout all this, I managed not to drop the author of my misfortune, and turned her round to make sure that she was alright. With hindsight, this wasn't one of my better ideas......yep, she barfed all over me....
The attempt to get up, and distance myself as far as was humanly possible from this waking nightmare, must have looked like an old Keystone Cops episode as I slid this way and that but couldn't find any purchase on what had now become a technicolour skating rink.
Fortunately, my wife was on hand to piss herself laughing at my dilemna.....did she help? Did she arse. She stood there shaking and clutching her sides as the tears streamed down her face, whilst I lay sprawled in the stuff bad dreams are made of, praying for God to inflict a prolapsed uterus upon her....

I can look back and laugh about it now, and my psychiatrist has told me that my bedwetting should stop within a year or two.....

(sorry about the length, but sod it....those of you who have an elderley relative, of whose will you are the sole beneficiary might want to take a few pointers from this....lubricated laminate floor, dodgy eyesight/ticker/hip....you work it out)
(Desolation Angel, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 12:01, Reply)

The night of a thousand vomits,
One night in student halls after ludicrously strong see breezes followed by ongs I found myself a little green around the gills to say the least, I rushed to my room to converse colourfully with the sink, just after my friend (who did not live in halls) started to look the same his girlfriend noticed
GF are you ok?
he shakes head
GF are you going to be sick
He nods
Gf can you make it to the bathroom
shakes head
GF can you make it to Corins (my) room
He bolts for the door and gets to my room to find me in the prime position by the sink, his quick thinking GF shouts:
Window!
to where he rushes and pukes, of course the sound of him puking makes me puke and then the sound of me makes him puke in turn,
What followed could only be described as puke tennis, bake and forth for a good while.
BTW the next day I had to get the bus into town to buy sink and plughole unblocker as my sink got bunged up with my mixed veg delivery. I eventual had to unscrew the u bend and clear it out, all with the stinkingist hangover know to man!
(maximcondor, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:59, Reply)

EEC regulation chunder
My worst vomit memorably took place on a stag weekend in Brussels,after a full day session, drinking such indigenous "falling down" waters as Duval, Qwark.(Typ 8%).
The groom, during the day,instead of leading us to the nearest Kebeb van for our mid session meal insisted we visit some "poncy" fish restaurant. The upshot being that we ended up eating next to nothing.
Waking up on the Sunday morning feeling very delicate, the beer (but no food ) had taken it's full effect on my stomach.Realising that the inevitable was about to happen, I sat bolt upright on the bed and proceded to recolour the hotel bedroom carpet,but not with the remains of the beer, but pure "Claret".My ulcer had burst under the alchoholic strain.
Once I had finished, then the rising feeling came again.
This time the beer came up.
Two vomits for the price of one !
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:56, Reply)

New house puke

We were at my friend Brad's new house in Brum, didn't have any carpets down but still looking nice.

We were all abit worse for wear but not that bad, apart from Andy who was smoking his special rollups if you catch my drift.

I was talking to Jen, Brad's girlfriend, and we hear an almighty splash. We walk into the the other room with Andy having sprayed the whole floor with about 40 litres of chicken and water.

As quick as a flash the cat comings running in and and going crazy chomping up all of the chunder and licking it all up clean! Brad comes running in a psilt second after, worse for wear after smoking some too and using Toilet Duck, getting down on his hands and knees trying to scrub the floor mubbling "Jen's going to kill me when she gets back." not realising that Jens been at the party all the time, since she lives there.

Watching Brad and the cat fighting over puke made me want to cry with laughter and spew at the same time.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:56, Reply)

Not mine, but it was a good one!
My son, who was about 9 months old at the time, was sitting on his gran's lap after a feed. After a while, some gurgling was heard by all present, which increased in volume and liquidity. I realised that a hurl was coming soon, and turned to watch (well, it wasn't me going to be chucked on!). All of a sudden the noise reached a peak, my mother in law clapped her hand over his mouth, then SPLEEUURGGHH, up comes the baby vom, with such force that it escaped round the side of her hand spraying back in her face! I will forever have a picture imprinted in my mind, my son looking very surprised and my mother-in-law looking VERY pissed off, blinking and trying to see through her glasses, absolutely covered in SMA and Farley's finest!
( loonybean giving as good as he gets since, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:51, Reply)

Recycled pizza
This was just after graduating, and I'd gone to stay with a couple of ex med-student mates; now fresh keen junior doctors working their magic in the NHS. Despite working 100 hour weeks (or probably because of...) they were still up for an evening of strong drink, copping off with nurses and late-night junk food.

We got back to one of the rooms in the doctors' residence, which handily featured a sink, as one doctor proceded to regurgitate his pepperoni pizza. Casting a professional eye over his stomach contents, which were now blocking the sink, he observed that the pepperoni pieces were undigested and so started picking them out and re-eating them...

He's now a Consultant of Public Health, by the way.
(keef, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:49, Reply)

Easy Jet of sick...on a german
Hate flying. Really hate it. So when faced with it I do what any normal person does in this situation. I get shitfaced.

After downing about a pint of brandy before a flight to Cyprus I find myself seated next to a fairly nice German man called Klaus, we get talking. I then wake up in a Cyprus airport underneath several worried looking airport staff, losing three and a half hours of my life.

So I'm filled in by my then boyfriend as to what happened. Apparently I started talking crap to said German man, before throwing up Gut Soup A La Brandy all over him. I even got a mention of the war in. Good work I thought.

Sx
(Saff, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:47, Reply)

Travel Chunder...

I was about 8 and on a long car journey with my parents. I got really travel sick on the M1 and my dad didn't have time to pull over for me to spew outside.

So I covered my mouth with my hand, creating a jet of vomit which covered the window next to me. To help you visualise it, think Pulp Fiction, and think the scene when Jules blows that guys head off in the car, and the effect that has on the rear window...
(supermike, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:46, Reply)

Handbags are a girl's best friend
As I work for an international company every now and again the 'big cheeses' come from overseas by the busload and it is up to us lowly minions to take them out for dinner, etc. A couple of weeks ago they came over and at the time I had a pretty bad cough and would errupt into coughing fits that lasted about 10 minutes. Anyhoooo, had been out for tres swanky nosh with them all and we were all on the hired bus with them for the journey home. Admittedly I was a little bit tipsy which didn't help when I had an eruption and started coughing my lungs up. That wasn't too bad until a thin trickle of sick started running down my nose and turned into a niagra. I didn't have any tissues/ a scarf/ hat to catch it so I had to just tip my head over my handbag and hope it didn't start seeping out the bottom. It eventually stopped before it was full and we had to get off the bus again to go to another bar. I could smell sick for days!
(Loving Vixen, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:41, Reply)

delayed action
Having started drinking gin at 11 o'clock in the Students Union, and already being very drunk, when they eventually threw us out 12 hours later we headed to the New Cross Tavern. Unless you visited before the refurb (it is now a kind of bling bling Yates's wine lodge) you won't know what a horror/wonderful place this was. Think From Dusk til Dawn, then add punks, goths, hippies, rastas... I left the Tav at about 3am and staggered home for some well earned sleep.

The following day I felt as if I had been run over by a train and spent most of it (from 4pm when I got up) in front of the tv feeling decidely out of sorts. At about 7:30pm my flatmate took pity on me and made me some fishfingers chips and peas. I managed about two mouthfulls before I realised what was happening. Dashing for the toilet I managed to get as far as the bottom of the stairs before the gin popped out to say hello. Then again half way up. Then again at the top. Needless to say I wasn't popular. Still a 16 hour delay is quite impressive and I'm still proud to have held it down that long.
( fineart, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:40, Reply)

Had a couple of bad ones, one of them not even drinking related
1) 6th for xmas ball. I knew i wasn't able to drink for the next 2 weeks because of antibiotics so i got totally and uterlly ratarsed, then proceded to hurl al over the inside of the taxi home.cost me a wonderfull £40 for a valeting
2) back when I was in school just sudenly vomed in the midle of a d & t lesson. i closed my mouth to try and hold it in and as a result some was forced out of my nose, spraying nearby people with my vom
( Randomgazz, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:30, Reply)

Up The Wall
I once threw up on my ceiling. I'd been drinking red wine and decided I was going to puke so I set off for the lavvy but didn't make it. I put my hand over my mouth which didn't so much stop it as turn it into a high-pressure jet. It made a perfect, pink peacock's tail right up the wall and onto the ceiling and this was in a tenement flat where the ceilings are 10 feet high. It took hours to clean up.
(McCretin, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:29, Reply)

Music class...
Being in the top stream at school, we didn't get to unleash our superior intellects on drum kits or Casio keyboards like the rest of the streams. Oh no. We got to learn the recorder.

For some unfathomable reason, on one occasion someone was sick in music class. For some even more unfathomable reason, said person tried to fight the urge rather than dash off to the loo, failed, and turned their recorder into a rather spectacular vomit fountain...
( biggus_richus, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:22, Reply)

My worst Vimto...
It was a warm one i had on a train in 1995, left a purple stain on my shirt when it overfizzed.

Oh hang on, I read that wrong...
(trumplefahrt, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:11, Reply)

A friend of mine
said she felt ill in the middle of a geography lesson, but the teacher wouldn't let her leave. Ten minutes later, she repeats that she feels sick. Teacher still won't let her leave. FIfteen minutes later, we're getting up to leave, and she does a spectacular projectile vomit all over the floor...and said geography teacher.

Oh, and I might as well put my own contribution in. I was out once and felt really sick outside a shop. While my companions went in, I waited outside and tried to aim my puke inside one of those upside-down-V-sign thingies (I know they have a name). However, my head had a will of its own and I threw up all over it instead. We scooted before the shop owner noticed.
(HanaBizzle, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:10, Reply)

Drinking Games
When I was younger my parents were away and I decided to get a load of mates round. We decided to play a drinking game with several very large bottles of cheap vodka.

For some reason we decided to play a prank on one of my mates, so with very careful planning we arranged it so that while my mate was drinking large, straight shots of vodka, everybody else was drinking water and pretending it was harsh.

To his credit, my mate knocked back some serious amounts of vodka in a very short space of time. He held it together admirably but said he needed to sit down on the couch to continue cos he was feeling a bit woozy.

"Isn't anyone else here getting pissed, yet?"

No joke, within 5 minutes his eyelids drooped and he started talking total bollocks in very slurred speech.

5 minutes later he passed out on the couch so the rest of us, being the great friends we were, ignored him totally and began the drinking game for real.

We all got pissed and went out for a drunken ramble through our village. When we got back, my mate was lying sideways on the couch covered from head to toe in ultra-bright luminous orange, pink and green vomit. It was everywhere. All over the floor, all over the couch, down the cushions, all over him... everyone just stood there gawping at this flourescent mess which had my unconscious, twitching mate inside it.

Turns out the bastard had eaten a gigantic prawn cocktail with thousand island dressing before he came over. That shit took months to get out of the upholstery.

Still, I got my revenge. Whilst he was still unconscious I picked up my dog, held its arse 1 inch from his lips and got my friend to take a picture.
(Gilbo, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:09, Reply)

Day of finishing GCSEs
Some years ago now. Starting boozing at midday after the final exam, by 5pm I had gotten through 5 tins of Super Strongbow, and a tin of Special Brew. Pretty good going I thought. Decided the best course of action would be to go for a swim in the school pool which was "interesting", jumped straight in the deep end pissed as a bastard, found myself on the bottom of the pool, paniced slightly and had to get out for fear of death. In the changing room I managed to fall head first into a bin while puking (I started just at the moment of tripping over and honest to god managed to get everything into the bin). It was a huge projectile vom from deep in my guts, that was probably one of the worst. But I have probably forgotten the choicest ones.
(he who walks, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:07, Reply)

painting the management's porcelain
Went out for a few beers and a curry with my boss once.

The first few pints went down quite well, and the next few soon joined them in a happy tummy beer party. Then it was off to the curry house, where I cleverly ordered something exotic, containing more chillies than actual meat or rice... My tastebuds tranquilised by beer, I wolfed down the lot without blinking, and then it was off to the late bars for more beer fun.

Got back to my boss's place late on, somewhat the worse for wear, and made my fatal mistake. He didn't have any beer in, but offered me a warm 750ml bottle of blue wkd. I quaffed about half of it before admitting defeat, and then felt a little bit poorly and decided it was time for bed.

Woke up at 7am with a rapidly developing headache and a nagging sensation. My body contained more toxins than it was entirely happy with, and was telling me that it was time to urgently expel them. From both ends.

So I prance into the bathroom and sit down for a particularly dribbly poo, while leaning over and merrily vomiting a mixture of blue wkd and chilli death curry into his sink.

Of course, I hadn't really been able to taste the spicy evil of this curry when I ate it, but by crikey I knew it was hot on the way out. It burns, it burns! You haven't lived until you've vomited whole undigested chillies through your nose, while pooing yellow gravy.

It took my boss a week to unblock his sink.

Apologies for girth.
(baz, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:05, Reply)

A royal visit
Early nineties, en route to the pub. My friends and I notice swarms of biddies and police crowding a street, and, after questioning several of the oldies we realise Princess Diana is opening up some medical centre in an hours time. A friend has a great idea to streak in front of her as she arrives, so we go to the pub for dutch courage. Many shorts later and we're pressed against the barriers as a limo appears, and out steps Diana. The promised streaker suddenly gets stage fright and asks if i'll do it, to which I reply forcibly in the negative. In response, he replies forcibly with an upper cut to my kidneys. I gag in response, and then regurgitate a guiness and carrot medley all over several old ladies and the path of the Princess, who gets escorted round the stinking puddle. I swear she gave me a really evil look. And a sweet old lady called me a wanker with such venom she nearly dislodged her dentures.
(trumplefahrt, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:05, Reply)

My former landlord/housemate
used to vomit in small amounts regularly all day. He'd sit watching cricket all day, occasionally getting up and run to the wastepaper basket or the sink. Then he complained when the rest of the house stopped washing up and emptying the bins.

The day he decided it'd be much more convenient to have his own vomit plate on the coffee table was the day I decided to leave.
( Newington, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:04, Reply)

More Tea Vicar?
Just thought of another one - Went to a house party at a friends (we'll call him Dave) whose parents were v posh and spent most of the time abroad (probably how he manages to still live in the family home at the age of 30 , but I digress). Anyhoooo, 'sampled' every liquid in the house and decided I needed a little sit down in the conservatory. Was in the middle of a conversation, and not feeling too bad, when the urge to chunder was becoming more persistant. Not wanting to put the other person off their thrilling banter I looked around for a suitable receptacle and all I could find was a small plastic watering can. It had to be done and I was very proud not to spill a drop and carry on the conversation once I had filled it. This was at least 8 years ago and I am still asked at parties if I am the watering can bird.
(Loving Vixen, Fri 20 Aug 2004, 11:04, Reply)