Old maths teacher...
Used to be allergic to highlighters and tipex and had an absolute LOATHING for clickey pens (so greatly suited for the teaching profession!). She used to actually make people with said writing utensil leave the room to click it and then leave again to unclick it. And if anyone even DARED bring the offensive odour of correcting fluid or highlighty pen into the room she would so mental - "WHAT IS YOU'RE PROBLEM!? I'M FUCKING ALLERGIC YOU PRAT! I COULD DIE! DO YOU WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DEATH?! DO YOU?!?!" etc. Last I heard she had a nervous breakdown after someone coloured in several A4 sheets in highlighter and tipex and hid them in her drawer. *sigh* what a woman....

OH and then there's Dr W who is actually fucking insane. He once told us how he managed to close his head in the fridge because he "forgot to take it out" and a few of his favorite insults are "bad rascals", "moon-men" and "dirty hallians". And he also used to sit next to me and move in eerily close and ask me how I was doing and so on, even now 3 years after he taught me he still gives me this look, the one a serial rapist gives a young boy before attacking him with his cock. Eep!
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 23:17, Reply)

My A-level biology teacher,
in order to demonstrate that the "head" of a membrane phospholipid molecule is hydrophyllic and the two "tails" are hydrphobic, put his head under a running tap and stuck his legs in the air.


It worked perfectly, I now have no trouble remembering which end is which :)
(meagle, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 23:16, Reply)

So
In my ninth school year we had a fascinating German/PE-teacher (this being in Sweden), who was raving mad. He was big and brutish and everyone was scared of him (he also had a very manly moustache). Not that he would beat anyone who didn't deserve it (although apparently he once threw a pupil down some stairs).

He always wore PE-clothes, even when he was having German classes, and he decided the standard curriculum wasn't for us and instead taught us advanced grammar that we, as far as I can tell, weren't supposed to learn in "base school" at all (with "base school" I intend to mean school before University-level, in Sweden 12 years, so I had 3 years left).
It was god-awful hard work and most of it didn't stick, of course, but it is still the most advanced grammar I've ever learnt of(in?) any language, even my own. And to some of the more successful students that was the best thing ever. If you understood what he was teaching and could answer his questions he was your friend and ally.

He also slept in the teachers break/dining-room at nights (homeless? see further down) and didn't get along with ANY of the other teachers.

And then one day he just disappeared. As in disappeared. The teachers and the school didn't know either. Fucking awesome.

And these were not just schoolyard rumours, we were told this by another German/French-teacher we had at the time (she was a really really great teacher btw. She would have deserved to have me studying harder). Another teacher noted, very diplomatically, that it was a shame he (the mad one) had quit/left/scarpered/zipped it because he probably was a linguistic genious.

Fast forward at 8x speed quite a few years, he turns up in my television. It was a section of the national news (public service, like BBC) about the shortage of houses and apartments in Stockholm and he was being interviewed as "Mr. X, in search of housing" (they had caught him at some housing agency). I think that was the most unlikely event I've experienced so far in my life and so, out of shock I didn't catch what he said. But I think he was quite upset. And as he was at a housing agency I guess he, at least, didn't sleep on the streets. As he probably was extraordinaly good at languages I doubt he would end up like that anyway.

Too much detail? I can never tell.

Oh, and much earlier, somewhere between my first and third school year, my class managed to make two separate teachers cry. That still baffles me, I mean we were only nippers. And most of the class ended up as good, productive, law-abiding christian citizens*.

All in all, I've had a lot of good teachers. Most of them I never told. I hope they know it anyway. A good teacher is worth a lot more than most citizens. Teaching is one of the most respectable professions of all.**



*That christian part was a lie. Thank fuck. Or my master Satan, the dark prince of lies \../o_0\../


**I would like to end this broadcast with a special message to Californians everywhere(but mostly those in California): The world is laughing AT you, not WITH you.

I just came to think of that now that Arnold Schwarzenegger had his union- and teacher-hostile suggestions PWN3D. So, on second thought, good work, Californians everywhere. I am proud of you :)


Edit: I just remembered this is my first qotw. Thank you for reading, I hope I have been able to entertain you.

Edit edit: I realize this whole "Teachers are the best thing Ev4R!" thing of mine goes in sharp contrast to the whole theme of the QOTW. It was not my intent that it should turn out this way, it just happened.
(Heretic Penguin. With a hint of garlic. - Living in filth, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 22:40, Reply)

Mr. Blomerly!
Yes that's his real name.
Would come to physics lessons drunk, tell us about how his friends cut his hair, tried to chat up a girl in my year and then disappeared, apparently caught with ecstacy and now works as a p.e teacher in another school. Weird.

And none of our teachers are allowed to talk about him! Hence our next physics teacher saying
"I can't tell you anything, so don't ask!" and running out of the room.
(SJ is the egg, meow, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 22:17, Reply)

Mr Um
The one below reminded me of this. Mr Um was a lecturer at uni (I did comp sci so maybe i shouldn't have been surprised). He said um a lot. A LOT. Guy next to me once plotted a graph of ums per minute (upm) over half an hour, and the shape of the curve ACTUALLY WROTE UM in joined up writing. No fucking kidding, i'm serious.

Back at school we also had Mr Bentley, who used to hide under the table when planes went over, with a metal wastebin on his head, shouting "THE GERMANS! THE GERMANS ARE COMING!"

edit: AND ANOTHER! One of the maths teachers got fired for kicking a kid through the wall of a tent to shut him up while drunk on a school camping trip. Last I heard he was working at B+Q. I love my school.
( wingphil, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 22:02, Reply)

The windows misted up within 30 seconds of...
Mr. M walking into the room. Alledgedly allergic to alcohol, hence no deoderant and resultant unbelievable sweatyness. Tendency to say "m'kay" on a very regular basis, occasionally several times in a row with no words in between. Recorded at a rate of more than 2 a minute, averaged over one lesson.

Despite this, solid bloke and a good maths teacher! M'kay.

Mr H... another maths teacher. Looked like Jesus and sounded like Chewbacca. Evil genius.
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 21:35, Reply)

I've had a few weird ones...
My music teacher a while ago - while I lived Sweden, insisted that I was Norwegian (I'm as Kiwi as they come) and spent every lesson regaling us with how she had "communicated with the ghost of Elvis Presley". Amusing, but not exactly any use to any of us.

At the same school I had a history teacher who seemed to exudea a time-distortion field - he did everything so slowly. Apparently he'd been an American hippie who moved to Sweden to avoid being drafted for Vietnam...

My Geography teacher there was also pretty cool - one time the class was asking all sorts of stupid questions, so he just sat at his desk and answered "42" to all of them, because it is the ultimate answer. He is Canadian, and tends to wear shirts with "Canada" emblazoned in big letters whenever Canada and Sweden face each other in an ice hockey match. Makes a lot of friends that way, I'm sure...

This year I've had a few interesting teachers:

Mr. Rowlands, the electronics teacher, who also regularly performs the blowing-up-capacitors trick. He's (very) English and when a French exchange student arrived, he teased him mercilessly - we never knew his name - he was always just "Frenchy". Once a student remarked on how there is no "Failed" mark on our test papers, only "Acheieved" and "Almost achieved". The teacher asked him if he'd like to be called a failure. He said yes, so for the rest of the year, when calling the roll, Mr. Rowlands would call out "Failure!" instead of the poor guy's name.

Mr. Rogers, my physics teacher is hardly older than us, and (if at all possible) less responsible. One time we hooked a bit of wire to a power supply and were using it to melt through things, when he caught is in the act. He said "No, no, no, you don't do it like that" got a bit of pencil lead and hooked that up to the power supply. The desk still bears the scorch marks. Another time one of my mates fell asleep in class, so the teacher drew a cock on his cheek.

My French teacher last year was quite amusing, if only for what he put up with from us. We used to go and sit at different desks every time he turned his back. Once we hoisted a chair up into the ceiling and left it there. Another time we locked someone in a supply cupboard and the teacher didn't notice he was missing until he crawled out at the end of the lesson. By far the best trick was locking people out of the room. It took a while for him to cotton on to what we were doing, and when he did, he'd always turn the lock handle the other way once we'd entered the class. So we stopped locking the door :D.
( Halkyardo isn't quite sure, on, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 21:32, Reply)

Freshman English Teacher
Not sure how this bit of information got out. But my freshman year of high school a rumor began to circulate that my attractive young English teacher was going to have surgery....
See, the funny part is that she was going to have surgery to tighten her asshole because apparently it had taken such a pounding over the years and had become so loose she had to wear pads to absorb the seepage during the day. At first I didn't believe it, but it turns out that my friend's father was the privilaged surgon, and he told him about it when he was drunk one night. Needless to say she transferred before the end of the year...
(Hagiophobic, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 21:26, Reply)

The science teacher...
...that gave me detention because I *had* done my homework stands out as a high point of weirdness during my school career.

And the maths teacher who had one gold tooth, and was believed to have previously been in the SAS. We confronted him about it one day, but he wouldn't admit it. Though he wouldn't deny it either....
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 21:14, Reply)

3rd and last time!
man, how could i forget (sorry for having a crap memory and posting repeatedly.
i mentioned mr evanson (pages and pages ago), my 6th form physics teacher and his amazing metallica tattoo, what i didnt mention was his liking for wanton destruction/pyromania.
this was the guy that regularly used to go "im bored, shall we blow up a few capacitors?". basically, you connect them the wrong way round, and then they explode, and it looks like someone's shot a chicken, and smells really bad, for hours.
he also regaled us with tales of how he'd ended up making a 6 storey column of flame using milk powder and a brazier at the bottom of his uni halls, and then did his best to recreate it in the lab. there's a few melted ceiling tiles to this day.
oh, and top tip, old minis can be taken apart, taken up to the top floor of halls in the service lift and reassembled in the living room. and then left for the owner/occupant to find and deal with alone.
cheers mr evanson.
(sarcasticgirl, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 21:07, Reply)

It's a toss-up --
-- between my eighth grade science teacher (Mr. Hanky, who blessedly retired a decade before South Park would have made his life unbearable) who used to dance on the lab tables singing Beatles songs and once attempted to swing like a monkey from a hanging fluorescent light fixture which did not support his weight.

In the fifth grade, I had a "music teacher" who never taught music. She'd spend the hour talking about what her cats had done the previous day. Several times she gave me (and other students) the keys to her beat up little car, so I could go down and fetch a bottle for her. She was so far off her ass that she could neither do it her self nor discern that sending talkative ten-year-olds to fetch booze for you wasn't the best way to hold on to your job.

We also had a maths teacher who encouraged us to throw coins at him while he wrote on the blackboard. They went into the "bird seed fund." He also distinguished himself by consistently mocking kids with ethnic names. Every time he'd call on a kid named "Wing Ko," for example, he'd hunch over like Peter Lorre and repeatedly wink at him.

I had a hippie-dippie, VW Microbus drivin' bead-wearin' kindergarten teacher who used to go out of her way to find things to smack me on the bare bottom for. That was actually kind of hot, I guess.
(Larry_Mudd, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 21:07, Reply)

fuckin bitch,
my i.t teacher she cant say anything right, wen u say data she says darta, and websites she says weabsites. shes the funniest teacher, but a fuckin bitch tho



ps.... i think she shags horses
(lyin git, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 21:00, Reply)

charel 1 the french 0
there i am , in french with no pen after carefully explaining to this dim french muppet

who ironically looked like burt from sesame street :P

so on we get with the lesson , and then he trundles over to quiz me on why i havent done any work , i explained , i had told him this prior to the lesson and the dopey bastard didnt take any notice, so anyway cue somneone lending me a pen and me shouting " thats it frenchy , you made the hit list "

so suffice to say he promptly left the room to fetch for the headmaster , and returned looking tearfull , with head in tow like a small dog.

and he said ( remember this is a grown man to a 12 year old boy )

" how do i know you're not going to hide in a bush outside my house and shoot me "

he then tried to get me expelled for death threats , needless to say , he avoided me in corridors for the next few months

and he smelt
( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 20:57, Reply)

GOD LOVE MR CURTOYS!
he is really cool.


the fact that we slowly gave him a mental breakdown could only add to his snazziness.

we've left an impression on him, i'm sure.
(Le mango, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 20:48, Reply)

Creepy old bastard...
named Reverend V. He was our teacher for religious education in elementary school. The only thing I remember is him ranting all the time about his time in WW II. He was one of the last German soldiers fighting on Monte Casino. And he told ALL his war stories to us 8 year old kids. Even then I thought he was quite mad.

When the movie "Life of Brian" was in cinema, Rev V. organized demonstrations against this "blasphemy", with up to 10 persons gathering in front of the local cinema.

10 years later in my final year before uni by some strange coincidence Mr. V. was our teacher for religious education again. This time he started telling us things one could only describe as "Nazi propaganda of the worst kind". Among other things he warned us of seeing Hollywood movies because it was "Jewish and American propaganda". This time we struck back, informing the headmaster that we were not going to attend any further classes as long as this fuckhead would continue with his Nazi crap. It worked ...
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Thu 10 Nov 2005, 20:47, Reply)

Yeah...
A couple of them I can remember. Can't remember some of the names, so i'll make 'em up:

Mr. Yank - so called because he was from America (made up name). He was around for a few months then mysteriously disappeared. Later found out that there was a fight in one of his classes so he ran out like a big wet girl and locked the door, leaving the fighters, and their year 7 classmates all alone. Twat.

Mr. Robertson: Legend. Asked him if he was gay in year 8 and he replied in the affermative. Didn't give me a detention either. Used to chat about Joecartoon in his lessons and took the piss for him being a binman before

Mr. Dillon: Indian. Asked him if he liked the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Replied that he liked Chilli Peppers, but not Red Hot ones. Sent me out and nearly got on call for snipping a piece of someone's hair off but didn't bat an eyelid when that person broke a beaker. Twunt.

Mr. Angry (never discovered her name, but she was pretty manly): Supplied our German group. Had been sacked from her previous school for throwing a chair at a student (in 2003!). Got fed up, gave us crosswords for the rest of her time. We had to get the ill other teacher back because she left cos of us. Bitch.

Mr. Poole: Utter coolness personified. Approximately 80% of fire alarms last year were due to him. He managed to set fire to a fire proof shield and regularly set fire to the desks. Also nearly killed us with Chlorine gas because he forgot to switch the fume cupboard on.

Mr. Upton: Affectionately known as Gary. Followed by a cocophony of these as he roams the corridor. Had a dial with 5 settings: Silence. Pole-bridging (Talking to yourself!?), Whispering, Quiet talking and Talking. Did we pay attention to it? Did we fuck. Numpty

Mr. Supply Teacher type dude: OK, surreal. Taking the register, my last name being Wissen (a German verb but I am not from Germany at least from 500 years back). Said in a German accent and proceeded to do a Hitler walk around the room. Never heard from again afterwards.

Mr. Thomas: Graphics teacher. In year 7, gave us a lecture about pencils and their origins. Would never, ever let us go if there was even 1 pencil missing/ not sharpened. Had the most appaling teeth ever and his breath smelt. Haven't seen him for a while though (fingers crossed) Wanker

Mrs. Carter: Surely took Testoreone pills, more manly than Mike Tyson having sex with a woman whilst lifting weights growing a big beard and eating Rocks. On a Mock exam paper, I had unfourtunately forgotten an answer and so put "Little Leprechaun's in their little Leprechaun wagon will take over the world." I later got it back with lol marked upon it and a tick! A bit scary really, I hope she's not a qualified examiner

No apologies, you love it really
(The_Reaper, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 20:36, Reply)

Rydens school of freaks
Mr Nand - Supposedly a maths teacher who couldn't teach anything. Some kid threw a textbook at him and he couldn't do anything about it because he had no control over anyone. You had to shout loudest to get "help" which would just be him getting something wrong. Also admitted he was a fan of the Cheeky girls.

Mrs Wescombe - An ex-hippy who said she used to go around with no shoes on wearing flowers and sometimes still does. Her most classic lines include her being semi-rascist calling my friend Shakul, Abu. And calling the whole class "Wanky" for not doing work.

Mr Rocke - A pervert who drops pens to look up girls skirts.

A wonderful place to be :/
(Elfking, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 20:02, Reply)

Mr seago
A science french man who was born in scotland with a russian hat and a long trenchcoat, sunglasses and slicked back hair, who has now moved to australia. enough said.
(Black sky No accidents since, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 19:49, Reply)

the best teacher ever!
a really old guy called 'spitfire sparrow'

in high school everyone sat nr the back to avoid his saliva bombardment during lessons... he was completely off his trolly as well! he was a spitting image of the demon headmaster which was also weird..

the best was when me and my mates realised we had him for french.... so we were sitting at the back of the class... and he comes bursting through the door shouting something in german. he then taught us german for the whole of our french lesson - it was great!

i loved this guy - i could shout 'bollocks' as loud as i cuold and he would never hear it cos he was so old and deaf... and his memory was so bad i could queue as many times as i wanted to get 'merits' (some scheme to make you do well)...

i hope he's still alive the old sod :)
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Thu 10 Nov 2005, 19:44, Reply)

i'm starting to worry about my schooling....
Another teacher we had was really creepy. He must have been Irish as he had a really thick accent that nobody could understand properly.

Anyhow, we would all sit in his lessons where all he would talk about were the "dolly birrrrds" that he constantly met and spent his weekends with.

Funny thing was he was so creepy and weird looking that i doubt any woman would go near him, including his mum!
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 19:19, Reply)

Mr Eastwick.
What a fucking fruitcake. When we were all stood outside his classroom, he give us a military salute and say "All that sail with me, say 'AYE!' ". And we did. He also had the tendancy to shout "PIGS IN SPACE!" randomly and innapropriately throughout lessons. Oh, and he once took a picture of harry potter cut the face out, stuck his face in, and underneath he scrawled "The Witches of Eastwick".

Fucking fruitcake.
(Sorry, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 19:18, Reply)

ooo oo ooo!! another one!!
We had a PE teacher called Mr Moran, who after 4 years of obvious taunts by my best mate finally snapped, dragging my mate in to the changing rooms, trapping him in and proceeding to damn near strangilise him to death! I don't know how he regained control of himself, but all you could hear was him ranting, my friend choking and me, pissing myself laughing.
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 19:16, Reply)

Oh, and we had a teacher called "Isiah"

One of her eyes was reputedly false or blind or something as it never seemed to move and gave the appearance that one "Isiah" than the other.

She was horrible, weren't you, Mrs Jones?
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 19:14, Reply)

we had a psycho ninja teacher...
One of our teachers went mad and took a samurai sword to his ex girlfriends house and started threatening her with it, which we found quite cool. He was convicted so I can freely say "How are you today, Mr Skeet, you smelly man?" (He did smell and appeared to have many social problems outside the school gates)
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 19:11, Reply)

Madame Lewis
Pronounced "LOO-WEE" was a terrible elementary school French teacher, but this isn't really about her, it's what we'd do to her.

The game is called, "Race-Car" and the object is to drive the teacher insane. For fun.

Picture this,

The class room is quiet...then all of a sudden one kid starts whispering,

"vrooooooom...."

And more kids start whispering,

"Vroooooom...."

And every kid starts, and the collection of kids get louder and louder,

"VRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM......"

Until Madame Lewis turns around and yells,

"QUIET!"

And us kids yell,

"SCREEEEEEECH!!"


Apologies.
(Arctix, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 18:58, Reply)

Crystal Ken
Mr F - PE teacher, always wore tiny shorts no matter how freezing it was. Looked a bit like Ken from the Barbie dolls, well probably looked more like him when he was younger, this was a name passed down through the years. Would see his arse whenever this was shouted, including outside his house as he lived near the school

Mr W - Fat sweaty guy who taught science and maths, got stuck in the chair once for being so massive, no control over the class.
Dr W - Thin extremely sweaty guy who taught maths, no control over the class

2 German teachers, 1 was a german guy, other a geordie woman, no control over the class. Elastic bands with folded up paper fired at him, pens / pencils / rubbers - and would say "Stop throwing these missiles at me" - nutter tbh

Mr E - Stand in teacher, taught physics, when really all he did was tell us stories of workin in chemical factories

Mr L - Taught art and looked like Meatloaf

Mr M - CDT assistant type guy, u went to him if u wanted to use one of the mean machines to cut something massive. Always let u arse about, swore, general sound guy

Mrs B - Supposedly had pics of her in an amateur pr0n mag from a few years ago, altho never saw this myself.

College - Mr R who looked like a typical paedo, sweaty combover with beady eyes, tendency to talk bollocks
(steh30, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 18:50, Reply)