missc
Dunno if anyone has posted this but... it's illegal to give a bad reference - you can leave when you want. Bad form of your boss to blackmail you into staying in a VOLUNTARY posish. Have a look here. www.i-resign.com/uk/discussion/new_topic.asp?t=935
(housetits is channelling Natalie Cassidy - then, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 19:49, Reply)

Need help killing boss
Okay, so maybe the subject line is a bit misleading. I don't actually want to KILL him but perhaps make him very, very ill. When I decided to take the job of a receptionist, I did not know that it would entail, among other things, babysitting the new hires ("Hey, do you know where Nicole is? I know it's her lunchtime, and you probably don't have any idea where she is because you have never said more than three words to her, but still, will you go find her? She's probably getting fast food...how many fast food places can there be??" -- keep in mind, I live in the States), babysitting my boss and his addled memory ("Hey, who did I give that file to? I know it wasn't you, but I expect you to know what else I could have possibly done with it."), and, the worst job of them all, taking my boss's garishly decorated coffee cup in order to procure water for him from the water cooler. Sure, it's only a few yards away and takes less than three minutes of my time, but everytime I'm sent on a ridiculous water trek (my boss is too BUSY reading the newspaper and looking for 80's hair bands on youtube to get his OWN water) I am seeped in humiliation. I am a twenty-two year old girl and an aspiring novelist and here I am, balancing a #1 Dad coffee cup on a stack of files, plotting my revenge. This is where your help comes in, B3ta. I'm ready to poison my boss. Any suggestions? I need something tasteless (like his preference in clothes and music) and relatively hard to trace (like his bastard children, scattered all over the world).
(BrainSurgerysFun, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 19:20, Reply)

Upon leaving the warehouse and entering the shop-floor...
As said to a friend and colleague;

'do you think that surpasses the record for the fantastic amount of work I haven't done without anyone noticing?'
'more than likely.'
'win. right, i'm going home.'

Ah, supermarket that may or may not rhyme with a Japanese car-firm, I love you so very very much.
(I R Tomsk pyromaniacs will only inflame the situation, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 18:41, Reply)

Not work...
but when I was at college, I did very little work.

One day, the fellas in my philosophy group decided to swap a display around... as you do when you don't want to do anything work related... ever.

The word "ATTACHMENTS" was the heading for some boring and unimportant display, the bright yellow letters individually stapled to the display board.

They managed to unpin the letters, rearrange them, and staple them back onto the board.

The new display was from then on -

"C THE
MAN TATS"

17 year old genius.
(Hanargh, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 17:41, Reply)

Low expectations
Friday afternoon I openly admitted to my boss that I didn't know what I was doing in my job.

Her reponse?

"Oh don't lie, you're very good at it"

Hmmm, I may have to work harder at getting sacked, not working harder to do my job better, oh no, working harder to work how to do less
(Laxly, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 17:22, Reply)

printing whoopsies
I work for a large electrical company printing bills (its shit but it is money).

However I have access to the print records and misspell certain peoples names on the addresses and drop in extra letters. e.g Mr Small became Mr P P Small etc

Because the call center upstairs is staffed by a lot of up their own arsed numpties they get the complaint phone calls.

Its the only way I can cope with the bordem
( The invisible ham Fig rolls are the best, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 16:39, Reply)

Hmm, what's that funny stain?
My first real job was working as a writer for a computer games magazine (not saying which one). I was one of two new people hired at about the same time, the other one was a burly, bald Scots guy we'll call Jock.

We worked with a female journo who'd been part of the scene for a few years, was quite well-known. She was very fitness-conscious and made a point of wearing sporty, figure-hugging clothes about the place. Jock took an immediate fancy to her, even though she made it clear that he had no chance.

Jock first got in trouble after it was discovered that he'd been coming in out of hours (weekends and such) and using his computer to download porn off US BBSs (very expensive -- this is pre-internet so you actually had to make a transatlantic call). And it was pretty rough, too -- extreme piercings and such. Yuk.

Anyway the final straw was when, one morning, she came in to find a mysterious mark on her chair. The mystery didn't last long: within a few days Jock got sufficiently drunk to admit to a colleague that he'd been in the office doing some 'research' when he'd got a bit excited and decided to toss himself off -- and spilled his beans all over her seat.

He was 'let go', ostensibly for poor timekeeping but everyone knew the truth -- he'd been fired for being a filthy pervert.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 15:52, Reply)

In my former job ..
.. I worked in an open office plan but at some point I managed to get a desk where my computer screen was not visible to anyone but me and the window cleaner. At this point I installed a Wacom tablet, partly because it's a healthy substitute for a mouse, partly so that I could create b3ta compo entries while getting paid to do so. I also installed the old strategy game Colonization (which is like Civilization, only less addictive). My boss was seated across from me all the time and never suspected a thing. Not that I didn't do my job, but I suppose that I could have been a lot more productive if I had bothered to.

In the end wasn't fired but one of our clients called me and offered me a job at three times the pay. I'm far more productive now; my computer screen is visible to everyone and it is one a secure network with no internet access. This also removed the nagging guilt that I kept having in my old job (I actually liked my boss and the place, I just couldn't handle the temptations).
(spinoza, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 14:23, Reply)

My Boss's chairs
My boss has been through about 9 chairs he thinks they keep braking because he is fat, but when he goes out for lunch me and my mate undo the screws from the back, lo and behold when he leans back on it another one bites the dust.
(Brownpants From Liverpool to Manila, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 14:10, Reply)

pineapple
I work for certain "fruit coloured" phone company, its a very boring job but the pay is pretty good, and to be fair, I do an incredibly small amount of actual work.

At time of writing this I am in work on a 10 hour overtime shift, double time rate equates to just over 20quid an hour.

I am doing absolutely fuck all, we have no mangers in, I have my feet on the desk, reading the sunday independent, eating ritz crackers with cheese an having a general chinwag with my buddies.

I am posting this from my PDA cos b3ta is one of the few sites our admin bother to block (i can get to various porn sites an once found my way onto a site that tells you how to recomission a decomissioned gun?????).

The rest of the day will be filled with highly productive pursutes such as; reading/posting to forums, eating, playing online games, eating, sleeping, watching tv/blackadder on youtube/portable dvd player/online games, eating, covering my collegues pc with post-it notes, eating, staring at co-workers tits, eating, and maybe take a call from 1 of our beloved customers to tell them that they have no signal cos our network is shit.

Additionally I will spend AT LEAST 1/3 of my shift sat on the crapper looking at porn on my phone.

We really don't give a fuck if your phone doesn't work.

I strongly believe I should be sacked.......

legnth? my astonishing lazyness will last at least untill retirement......
(Duke Fucknuts ate toast and fanny batter on, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 13:22, Reply)

A page or so back...
......i posted about being late and drunk all the time.

Well, i've just turned up an hour late and a wee bit drunk.

What am i like?

Still no sacked but so think i'll go for a KFC.

Cheers.
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 13:20, Reply)

A job, long long ago
Back in 1988, I was just turned 19 and had managed to move out of the company's datacentre and into a development team. At that time and age it was all very woosome, working on this payroll system on an enormous mainframe. Well ok, it wasn't the games programming that I'd been dreaming of doing two years earlier, but it was something.

But the best bit was discovering that the development environment we used had a sort of instant messenger to it - I could merrily type away, looking like I was working, and chat with friends in other departments. I'd seen the future of shirking, and it was instant messaging!

What I didn't realise was that my boss at the time, one of the nastiest people I ever dealt with in my career, could read my logs. And one day, the inevitable happened - he had a big thick printout, passed it to me, and asked me to explain myself.

I sat, mute, as he then started to flick through and showed how he'd highlighted every insult to him I'd made, culminating in "My bastard of a boss has just moved me from my desk next to the window."

I went from speechless, to certainty that I was about to lose my job. Amazingly, given his total gitness, he just gave me a warning and didn't seem to tell his superiors. Possibly the nicest thing he did, in a way.

Ever since then I've continued to use company e-mail and messaging systems, but I'm careful to only ever praise people who could just be looking in. Does your career wonders....
(clopinettes, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 11:51, Reply)

I tend to be a pretty good employee.
Not that the company I work for appreciate me for it or anything.

So I have no qualms at all about taking a two day tactical skive next week, due to the fact the cnuts only give us three & a half weeks of freely chosen holiday a year (now all used up), but seven days paid sick, or 'bonus holiday' as we like to call it...
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 10:37, Reply)

I've been on and off on the sick for 3 years now
but my contract is watertight and there's fuck all they can do.

2 weeks ago I phoned in sick and flew across europe for a little sex tourism with my oft-travelling fella. Sweet. Except sitting in the departure lounge I look over to see a colleague waiting for the same flight home... luckily he wants to knob me and I was able to buy his silence with a promise of a date. He's a creepy weirdo but needs must et al.
(betty_bongo, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 10:06, Reply)

Do as I do?
I'm a nice responsible fire-safety type person working for a local authority, so my job supposedly entails ensuring the safety of others.

I have scars down my right arm from the time I made weedkiller/sugar fireworks; My old room at my parents' house still has smoke-stains on the wall from my many youthful experiments with household combustibles; I regularly juggle with flaming clubs / sticks / pieces of furniture; I build bonfires that make the Towering Inferno look like a damp barbecue...

and then there's the matter of that little leprechaun who sits on my shoulder and reminds me constantly of how much fun it is to invite nice Mr Fire out for a play.

If they don't fire me, I'm going to end up firing them. Back to Broadmoor we go.


It might be long now, but it'll have burned away before you know it.
(incongruous, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 8:56, Reply)

Quick one...
There were lots of motivational signs around a place that I used to work at in Leeds.

One of them was, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem".

I changed the last part to say, "...you're part of the precipitate".

It made me laugh.
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 8:14, Reply)

Why should i be fired...hm...
Well, it's probably not as bad as what you've all been up to but....

I'm currently "Sick" at work, not feeling "good". Okay, that's a lie! I'm currently sitting in bed with my girlfriend (yes Im on b3ta so shut up), and she lives in Spain.

So to recap, I've pulled a sickie, gone to Spain and just hoping I don't get a tan. YAY!

...

(England sucks anyways)

...

Length? Girth? It was all too much.
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 6:03, Reply)

my job is writing funny comments on b3ta

so yeah. Click 'i like this' if you didn't.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 5:56, Reply)

I am conspiring to have my boss's boss fired.
This is together with my boss, with whom I have compiled a paper detailing her crimes against good sense and courtesy. The boss's boss is an ignorant, arrogant, incompetent, patronising, self-important heap of ridiculousness. A colleague (who got her the job) resigned a year or so after her appointment, citing her as "the worst mistake of my professional life" and "insufferable".

So, I suppose I should either be fired for this or given a big fat promotion.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 4:46, Reply)

heh
I used to work for a large group of shops in London as an IT manager.

Most of my day was either spent playing counter strike or playing Planetarion. Whenever I was called to do something I would create a server related crisis (usually by switching one off) that used to take all day to fix so I wouldn't have to move myself.

I also managed to pay my rent by upgrading the computer hardware and flogging off the computers I had 'upgraded' and making a pretty large profit to boot.

The boss's PA was a lovely lady and we used to hold 'briefings' whenever she could get away. As there was a hotel 2 minutes walk away from my office, we used to hold them there on account.

I havent a clue how I got away with it
(bluetuba has a special friend in Blue Label Smirnoff, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 1:55, Reply)

Why? Do you need a reason?
I work in a certain supermarket beginning with T and today I have worked on a £100,000 photo lab and it has broken no less than 7 times resulting in more than £500 in lost profit, I am currently drunk (no coincidence with damage inflicted today although I have been drunk on the job after trying the free Pimms offered in the store about 20 times....which isn't allowed even once!) I have also taken the entire stores petrol station out of action accidently as well as tills breaking when I go on or near them.

Here is a fuller list:

# Almost every till at work
# 2 Lottery Machines
# 2 Customer Service Tills
# 1 Switchboard
# 2 Managers Phones
# 18 Petrol pumps...at once
# 1 Air Pump
# 1 Photocopier...twice
# 1 Door
# Several Tables
# 1 Lift
# 2 Cupboards
# 1 Fuse Box
# 2 Beds
# 3 Mobile Phones
# Tens of Computers
# 1 photo lab....three times
# 2 Cameras
# 3 Security Cameras

....and thats just mainly at work..



...im cursed are'nt I?
( Jimbo314 is drunk on, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 22:56, Reply)

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecause
I don't do shit. I'm a lazy fucker
(Menlui laughing maniacally, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 22:49, Reply)

I work for Bristol City Council making bus timetables
If you look very carefully at certain timetables, you'll notice some of road and place names in Bristol have been slightly altered. So Cumberland Road is Cucumberland Road, the Maritime Museum is the Marmite Museum, and you can probably guess how I misspelt Belland Drive. I've also been inserting tiny pics of various retro cartoon characters in the Bristol City Council logo. So far, so predictable.

BUT also located in my office is the concessionary cards department, where elderly and disabled people apply for free bus passes. There's a pair of young girls who work there, and I often hear them laughing at the mad-looking passport photos the elderly send in. So in order to improve the girls' day considerably, and for my own amusement, I've decided to send in this fake application:



Yes, it's the bad guy from the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I'm so whacky me!
( krang, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 22:18, Reply)

Help!
It's saturday afternoon, I'm mildly hungover and I'm in work. Voluntarily. I've already worked 60 hours this week. And the guy who employs me isn't actually paying me (someone else is), so I have no responsibility to him. And I'm coming in tomorrow.

And the worst thing? I'm actually enjoying it...

I shouldn't be fired, I should be sectioned.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 21:59, Reply)

I should have been sacked but never was...
I worked as a teacher for nine years and actually left of my own accord - the breakdown in school discipline and pointless bureaucracy finally got to me as it does to many teachers.

I did enjoy the first few years and put everything I had into it. It's one of those jobs that gives you a real high when it's going well - I think it's called an endorphin rush - a similar feeling to being drunk or stoned. The effects are the same too, you sometimes do silly things.

Like the time a kid was being really obnoxious and I offered to give her a pound if she let me break two eggs over her huge pile of frizzy hair. She agreed, and I broke one egg...and walked away. The best thing about it was that although the class ran riot in their next lesson and the year head investigated rumours of an "egging" not one of them, not even my victim, dobbed me in.

Or the sixth form class who refused to put their names on their homework, so I used to make up names and write them on their papers, such as "Queen Boadicea" or "Elvis Presley". After a while inspiration wore thin and one time when I was in a rush I dredged up the first names I could think of from the distant recesses of my brain. Next parents' evening I got a hard time from the parents of one girl - one of the names I'd written down without really thinking was "Myra Hindley".

(Perhaps I should point out that it was at one of the few times the Scum wasn't exploiting the terrible Moors murder tragedy in order to sell copies.)

Maybe I should have been sacked - but I usually got better results than many of the "sensible" teachers.
(eesnahk, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 21:13, Reply)

Shit restaurant...
I currently work in a small independent (read shit) restaurant. Generally i do fuck all in the kitchen, apart from the occasional gobbing in the arrogent fucker who sends his food back (i dont do it to any other customers, only the odd cunt who pisses me off). the boss runs the restaurant with his hot wife (who fancied the fuck out of me), and he is a right cunt.

a while ago, we had a large delivery of fillet steaks. i was so pissed off at the boss at this point that i dropped them over the floor, and threw them away. it cost him about £120. by this point, he was really pissed off with me, and cut my wages by £10 a day until the £120 was payed back. naturally, i was extremely fucked off at this point, so i went upstairs into their flat and wanked into his hot wifes panties.

about a week after this he was being even more of a cunt, and left me to serve a table of 20 on my own while he went to the supermarket, drinks and everything. so i did the only thing i could think of doing, and went to his flat abve the restaurant, leaving the only waitress to do the cooking, and fucked his hot wife for about 15 mins.

anyway, the order went out as the waitress was fucking good, and all was well. as it was closing time, i left the cleaner to work, and gave his wife another good seeing to.

i got a call from him the next day telling me im fired, because i used the bar and wasnt meant to.

during the next few weeks, i continued banging his hot wife, and eventuallly they split up because "i cant stand his shit anymore".

said hot wife is now hot girlfriend, and i continue to bang her to this day.

apologies to hotgf... erm i mean sally.
(beast on toast has xpango=> http://www.xpango.com?ref=90520974, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 21:00, Reply)

BBQs on the roof
It was summer this year (one of the only warm days). During the day we had cleaned out an old paddilig pool, found a BBQ, got some people together. When the pub shut and everything had been cashed up we all headed up onto the flat roof. All was well until more people turned up and we ran out of seating. No problem. Mark and I jumped from the roof. And being a pub we had picnic benches in the beer garden. We upended this bench and pushed it up whereupon Stu grabbed hold and we scarped from under it in case he dropped it. Then we got a Stella umbrella to add to the effect of the whole night.
Time was getting on and we were getting hungry. So out comes the BBQ. Lit the touch paper thing at the top. It burnt out. So not to be deterred (and not to mention slightly worse for wear) I jumped into the kings (cleaning store) room from the roof in the hunt for flammable shit. I stumbled upon a bag of coal and a jerry can full of petrol for the lawn mower. Threw both up onto the roof, climbed up a drain pipe. Emptied bag of coal into BBQ doused in petrol. Mark comes up with a lighter and sparks it up.
Flame shoots up, gives mark a shock, lads laugh, his missus is terrified that hes hurt, as it happened he only singed his eyebrows which only made it more funny.
All goes well, we all eat all the stock we can half inch from the work kitchen. Some people go home but there is Stu, Ash and I left with half a jerry can of petrol.
Lads being lads started putting pint glasses onto the BBQ ad FLMAE grilling steaks and burgers.
After that got tiresome Stu tried to set his hand alight unsuccessfully. So up walks me grabs petrol can douses my hand in it, I hand the petrol can to Ash, give Stu the go ahead to light it. However Ash who was filming all of this took the can off me and just put it straight down. Cue my hand dripping in flames igniting the jerry can still half full of petrol. Me thinking fast with a flaming hand which was just beginning to smart a little grabbed this jerry can, ran about 40 meters with it and heaved it into the pool. All to the amusement of the other lads. The pool didn't put it out, because Oil floats on water. So the pool sides melt spewing flaming water, petrol and flames all over the roof of the building. Setting fire to Stu's net curtain (we had no door to the roof, only windows which were open) And then setting the fire alarm off. I'm laughing so much its starting to hurt. There is Stu and Ash trying to put the fire out. When the Assistant Manager comes out and asks about his Jerry can, whilst the pub is still alight.
We eventually got the flames (how I don't know, fucking miracle) out and all was well and I fucked off home sharpish. Surprised the place didn't burn down.

Should have got FIRED (sorry) for that one.

Length? His eyebrows have grown a lot since then!
(Range, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 18:11, Reply)

Aquatics shop
I work in a fish shop. Asides from lurking here, using the internet *all day* and doing no work what so ever, I really should be fired for what I did earlier. Now, most of the time I work by myself, with the exception of weekends when I have my manager in with me. But only every other weekend. This weekend is one of those only-me-on-my-own-with-my-dog-for-company days. Well... I murdered a £200 koi. I injected it with a lethal dose of chemicals and then dropped it on it's head. Poor thing was ill, but I still felt bad, and kind of queasy at murdering a £200 quid fish. Not to mention the other random goldfish which get sucked up syphon hoses when I'm cleaning tanks and the amount of fish which I accidentally feed to the turtles... The £300-500 water fountains I've dropped and broken then hidden behind the storage containers... flooded the place on more than one occasion... Loosing snakes in the tropical room...
I really shouldn't be left here alone. Or get fired for murder.
( Bathory, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 17:01, Reply)

Beware of IT Techies....we can be wankers!
I work in IT, and as you all know, we IT Techies can be especially cruel bastards. I love my current job and am therefore a model employee. Not the case with my previous job, where, I should have been sacked daily! Offences include:

Getting steaming during the week, turning up 2 hours late, stinking of booze and inisisting on having a tea break.
Me and my friend regulary taking off for 2 hour lunch breaks to go shopping.
Switching off the server to piss everyone off.
Taking 3-4 hours to switch the server back on.
Sneaking into the Chief Exec's office and doing major logs in his private loo, and not flushing.
Helping myself to pens and other stationary from client's drawers while fixing their PCs.
Launching about a dozen VDU's across my office in a fit of temper and claiming "they fell".
Dropping VDUs, Printers etc from the top floor to the car park to see if "they bounced".
Chaning the Chief Exec's display name on the e-mail to say "Miss Tittywhipper".
Playing my own invented game of "password roulette" - if someone pissed me off, they had to guess what I'd changed their password to, it was usually offensive.
Jizzing on some twat's "assigned" seat in the staffroom and wiping my knob on his mug.
Seeing if a screwdriver could pass through the main office shredder, it didn't.
Swapping identical PCs around the main office to confuse the users, after they had a heart attack and thought they'd lost everything, put them back and say that I'd managed to restore everything and they should be more careful.
Randomly deleting people's mail boxes and claiming they were incompetant and must have done it themselves.
This list could go on forever.

To be fair, I was treated like shit in that job from day one, so I left with minimal notice, no-one to replace me and without my tender loving care, My Baby, aka main server, shut herself down within 3 weeks. I was asked to come in as a consultant, on consultant rates to keep them going until a replacement could be appointed. I fleeced them out of thousands of pounds for doing fuck all and generally sitting having a wank and watching porn for 4 hours a night.

After 2 months, got bored and my willy was so sore I told them to stick it once again.

They finally replaced me, with 3 people who still can't do what I did. Now I have a wank on my own time.
(bazboy making it up as I go along, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 15:51, Reply)