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This is a question Worst Nicknames Ever

Everyone wants a cool nickname like "Ace", "Boss", or "Iron". Kids being kids, that's not what we get - the kid with polio gets called Johnny Spazm, your Ginger Fuhrer was called Rob Man-you-smell and your question master was "Tommy" Trinder despite him being dead for years.

Tell us the worst you've heard and the stories behind them.

(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:45)
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This question is now closed.

English name
Most Korean students who study English take on an English name. It's a good laugh for them, and it saves us a lot of trouble because their real names are hard to pronounce.

Once one of my Korean friends mentioned that his English name used to be "Daniel." We all had a laugh and I said "Okay, I'm going to call you Daniel from now on."

He replied, "No, never Daniel."

To which I said, "Okay, Never Daniel."

Of course he hated the name, which for a short time was expanded to Not Never Daniel and then back down to Never Daniel.

Last August he was on live TV and something naughty happened. You can conveniently watch it online here.


Never Daniel is the guy with the green and red mohawk and the Clash shirt with the Rising Sun motif. At the end of the video, two of the guys do the full monty on national live television. It was broadcast to the entire nation for about five seconds. Those guys ended up spending time in prison, and the others were all afraid for their lives. Never Daniel was singled out because they thought his shirt was a sign of support for Imperial Japan, which is about as smart as wearing a swastika in England. So he cut off the mohawk, dyed his hair black, wore thick glasses, and dressed in normal clothes.

I saw him later in the same park, dressed in his normal clothes. He came over to me with a sad look on his face. "Remember me?" he said, taking off his glasses so I could see his face. "It's me--Never Daniel." It was heartbreaking.

Anyway, he's back to normal again now, if you can call that normal.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 10:25, Reply)
My last name
My last name was Dunbar so there were a lot of names for me in junior high. Chocolate Bar, Dumb-bar, etc. It was the funniest thing ever.

But sitting on the other side of the class from me was an unnoticed Vietnamese guy named Harry Quach. Maybe people were laughing too hard at my name to notice...
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 10:18, Reply)
Living in a student house with two people of the same name, John (name changed to protect the guilty) nicknames abound. My least favorite nickname “Chompy” came about from after a typical Wednesday night at the union.

After a quiet few snake-bites with some polite folks in the well lit, clean bar John and I (also john, keep up) went back to our house for a spliff. The usual banter went like this A: “John skin up” B: “I hope your talking to yourself” A: “No I’m talking to you, you anal drill instructor” etc. But that night something strange happened, for the second round John threw his tobacco and skins at me and looked at me for about 30 secs with a blank look of confusion.

“Oi Chompy skin up.” The stoned retard had forgotten my name. Now we have all forgotten peoples names sometimes even if they live with you, but to forget someone’s name when it is the same as your is unforgivable. What does he get for a act of gross stupidity and excessive drug use? Nothing except a story to tell. I on the other hand have been lumbered with a nickname that makes me sound like a greedy twunt. And people think there is a God.

First post wahey!

I meant to apologiese for length or something am I not?
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 10:10, Reply)
Just remembered another one...
Following on from my previous post I realised that I'd forgotten one:

There was another Chris, just a young lad who fancied himself as a hardcore whiteboy rapper - we called him "Peanut" as he was less Eminem, more Peanut M&M. Also, he (inexplicably) had about 6 girlfriends, which coupled with his unbelievable laziness and general sloth meant that he also got called "Lethargio".
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 9:14, Reply)
In my first nursing job about 30 years ago
I discovered that I was called '******* the Mouth'.

This was bad enough, but it seemed that there were two stories about how I'd acquired it.

One was that I'd once talked a lot when drunk. Fair enough, better than picking fights!

The other was that I'd been caught giving a BJ in a ward bathroom. Or a sideroom. Or the sluice. Nobody knew who the bloke was either, or when it happened, but happen it did!

Except that it didn't. In fact I didn't even know what a blowjob WAS in those days, being young and unfashionably innocent.

I had to have the process publicly explained to me by a student nurse, in between her peals of incredulous laughter, and spent the rest of that shift shaking my head at the strange things people must get up to on NHS time.

I don't know what they called me after that. Probably 'Stupid ********'.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 9:07, Reply)
I've had several nicknames over the years.
I was a rather geeky child and used to try to answer all the teacher's questions (my hand was constantly up). This earned me the nickname 'whiz' (for obvious reasons), which eventually became 'Oz' (obvious connection), and then Ozone (oz-one) when the Ozone scare started coming up.

I used 'Ozone' on the BBS I ran for about 8 years. (One of my clients still calls me that.)

I was also called 'Greasy' due to some hygiene habits in early high school, and 'Space Ghost' for a while due to some saying on a t-shirt my mum gave me (I can't remember the phrase, now).

My Dad called me "God Damnit" quite often. "God Damnit, will you clean up your room", etc.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 7:55, Reply)
Had a few
Mostly known as kirton in my school years, as it was my surname and not that many people liked me *sniff*.

Then there was kryton, my friends decided I had an odd shaped head (I don't).

Then said amtes gave me ug as one decided i was ugly (I'm not, really, I'm mildly attractive) that ended when I got contact lenses.

In college I was "the guy whos always got a smile"

Now my nickname is more fasmiliar then my actualy name. My flat mates at uni refered to me as "the geord" cos I'm as close to a geordie as they can get, now every one calls me "Geord" or "the gerod" (as in "hello the geord, how was your day?")

Oh, my dad calls me spike, I had spikey hair as a lad.

All in all, Geord is the only one I like.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 2:40, Reply)
not me, but.....
there was a girl in my year, who, having been deemed a bit unattractive by most of the year, was given an amusing play on her name (Ruth Dodds)....

Ruff Dogs

oh, and there was actually a black kid in my year called 'Wogger' and it was actually what he answered to...i don't think i ever heard his real name said...

ah, the 70's....
fat girls called 'Sumo'
kids with big ears called 'Tabs'
so un-PC... :D
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 2:26, Reply)
My brothers mate
used to call me 'Spookul the Magic Dragon'
I have no idea why and I don't really want to ask because, quite frankly, he's a complete tosser.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 0:42, Reply)
Was called Flex for a short period of time at school for this;
*My name is Ben D
*becomes bendy (sigh, suppose it could have been worse)
*became flexible
*became flex

all in about two months. After that it returned to my previous "Lofty" (apparently I look like the short bloke from "It ain't half hot mum!")
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 0:34, Reply)
DIY nicknames work if you're a hipster, I guess.
Years ago, I was at a big hipster-ish dance party. I got there a bit early, and was getting a head start on the drinking while waiting for my friends, and this guy approaches me. He was dressed like the beginning of the movie Velvet Goldmine, and he apparently had an intense dislike for soap and water. He introduced himself as, I dunno, Trevor, and began to blather on about nonsense. I summarily made my escape. However, at the end of the night, he handed me a piece of paper.

It said "Ace" and had a phone number on it.

I asked "Who's Ace?"

He said "That's what I want people to call me from now on."

Me: "Good luck with that."

People DID end up calling this guy Ace.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 0:30, Reply)
Yet another
I stayed in wales at a boarding house run by a guy who had really strangely deformed ears. Known as "Geraint 18 months" because he had an ear and a half. Top bloke, great breakfasts!!

Random knob joke referencing my enhanced girth.
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 23:54, Reply)
Like every teacher
I had several nicknames - the two most popular being 'Monkey man' and 'Mr Cheese'. However, after some years this has evolved to the frankly odd 'Monkey Cheese'.
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 23:38, Reply)
Oh and another
I lived with a lad called Ben, who was very self conscious about his height (he was about 5ft 7), and had a bit of a short-man syndrome going on.
Another of my housemates came from the same place, and some of her friends from home came to visit. In walked one lad, who upon seeing Ben, went - Fuck me, it's Wedge.
So called at school, as he was short enough to wedge open a door.
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 22:55, Reply)
It's what you think it is, isn't it?
My ex-lodger thinks his nickname is Fisher on account of his surname being Price. Failing that he likes to think it's George Dawes, due to a certain physical resemblance. Generally folk refer to him as 'Fatboy' or 8-Ball, or simply Porky Pricey.

Here's a lesson for all you lardy folk: behind your back no one thinks you're a lovable chubster. Really think you're a greedy fatbucket.
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 22:54, Reply)
i hate you all
a couple of truly witty plays on my name in primary school were
1. nina ribena,
2 .the *oh so funny* fire-engine noise of neeeeeeeeeeeeeenaaaaawwwwwwwwwwww.
also, a pals mother (who was all of 4 foot nothing, clearly just jealous) used to call me Skinnymalinky (as in skinnymalinkylonglegsbigbananafeet)
and my mother's friend used to call me Little Face, as in the Dick Tracey character. i have absolutely no idea why and i fucking hated it. worst bit was she used to think it was cute when i got upset when she ignored my pleas for her to stop.
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 22:52, Reply)
bad nicks
There was a lad at my school who was a total headcase, ready for a stint in Broadmoor. His nick name was Turd, so called because he picked up a piece of dog shit in the street and ate it.

Also, a friend of mine when to school with a lad with cerebal palsy, thick bottlebin glasses, the works. Remember how they changed the name of The Spastics Society to make it more PC??
The lad's nickname was Scopeahontas...
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 22:51, Reply)
I used to work with a girl who called me pussyface she then shortened it to puss she said I always had a sour puss facial expression. This other chick I work with calls me weenies. Then there’s the people that cant get my effing name right Niño Memo Leo its not that hard LINO but my friends call me lee as if Lino isn’t short enough
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 22:33, Reply)
At a party one night
One of those kids who doesn't really get to parties a lot was there, lived in a remote place, wasn't really fully socialised with the outside world...he got drunk, and decided it would be fun to meditate. On the hosts shed roof.

Me and a mate remembered this in the morning, figured it was so he could be one of those sex gods, who meditate for about a month to hone their sexual powers so they've got the biggest horn ever and can reach the female orgasm before their own.
We still call him Tantra to this day.
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 22:28, Reply)
In infants school
I was about 8 or 9, some girls in the year above me used to refer to me as Todger. I didn't like it at the time but now I love it. It sounds so cool, I can just imagine a tiny floppy willy by thinking of it. Should I be worried?
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 22:07, Reply)
My mates sister calls me Sebastian as I used to have long hair that sort of curled slighty at the edges, making me look like a German model or something, hence the name Sebastian.

Thinking about it, his Mum calls me Sebastian as well...
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 21:54, Reply)
Yay 3rd answer!
Slightly shit though. My mothers boyfriend used to buy boxes of buns and give em to us. I'd rob some an bring em to a mate's flat where just breathing in the atmosphere can make you hungry enough to eat a horse. When asked where they came from, I told em. He's now referred to as the muffin-man

Yes I know the obvious joke.... but it's still sick.
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 21:42, Reply)
One more
Just remembered another one I had:
Specky Four Eyes

cos I wore glasses

Fuckin original that one huh ?
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 21:24, Reply)
Nothing a little op didn't sort out...............
.. but when I worked for the local youth centre, there was a lad there who had a huge cyst in the middle of his forehead.

It really was a size, and I would say at it's peak, absolutely no pun intended, it stood a good inch from his face. No shit.

Instead of trying to imagine themselves in this lad's shoes and showing a scrap of compassion, his peers openly called him 'Turbo Tithead'.

You can imagine how thrilled he was by that.
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 21:08, Reply)
My name, as interpreted by the Nokia dictionary.....
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 20:13, Reply)
joan of arc
... was a fucking parabola
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 19:58, Reply)
"Simple Simon" was the worst.
Although "Professor Penis" for some reason seemed to be quite popular with a certain selection of the scum at my school.

I now blame these formative years for my antipathy to children.
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 19:41, Reply)
the YTS boyz...
were given magical nicknames while they worked for us. The names were carefully crafted to desribe the person in they're fullest and deepest accuracy.

We took the piss out of "Bingo McTwattyBollocks" alot. And a postman beat him up behind the counter too, while screaming "Fucking av it Bingo!"
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 19:36, Reply)
Copper coloured top

A mate whose name was Russell and who was Jewish was known as Jewracell on account of his ginger hair.

All went pair shaped when a very PC Jewess at the college reported it to the authorities. She then became known as Eva Braun, she was a gas.
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 19:02, Reply)
A few years back
An ex Gf gave me a belt for chrimbo with a celtic pattern on, a few weeks later at a party a mate looked at it whilst he was stoned and swore he saw a swastika in it. Within 3 weeks a new nickname had evolved from "racist" to "Racist Louie the Space Pirate". I had this for about 4 years now
(, Mon 22 May 2006, 18:50, Reply)

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