Sandwich time...
Well my best mate thru college always liked openly banging his girlfriends in my bedroom while I was there (hell, I saved a fortune on pornos!), so the stash of condoms was always at my house.

Anyhows, one time we're round his house with his *young* girlfriend (who incidentally loved gargling his love muck on a regular basis) and we're quickly getting her pissed on pernod.

Then she announces that she wants us both at once. Sandwich style. Both holes plugged. One away from airtight. But the condoms are at my house a mile away.

So I sprint the 3 mile round trip for rubber socks, only to come back and find that I'm locked out because the front door has a yale lock on it and the back door was locked anyway.

And the knocking and bell ringing (at the door that is) was futile because the only people who can hear it are engaged in frantic oral action and ain't gonna answer the door to anyone.

Best sex I ever looked forward to...worst sex I ever (never) had.

I occassionally bump into her if I'm in the area visiting relatives, and always think to myself that I very nearly reamed the asshole out of her many years ago.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 22:14, Reply)

The first girlfriend I had after coming to university...
On reflection, she was perfect. Very attractive, massive chebs, nymphomaniac...

I ended up breaking up with her because I was infatuated with an idiotic American (not nearly as attractive) and we didn't speak for a while.

Then, one day, she calls me up.

"I've broken up with (abusive boyfriend whose name I forget)... fancy a coffee?"

We met in town, she came straight back to mine and before I knew it she was all over me like a cheap suit.

So we ended up in bed. She was hot, I was crap.

We both finish off, and we're spooning in my single bed.

Then she starts crying about the ex. I'm naked, my turgid cock still throbbing, and I'm spooning a girl who's crying about someone else.

I can laugh about it now, but I every time I think of that poor, emotionally vunerable girl still wish I'd taken the opportunity and done her up the arse.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 21:47, Reply)

Finger-nails...
Once upon a time, long long ago, I partook in a rough, passionate bout of finger-loving on my then-girlfriend.

It was dark.

She complained of a stinging sensation afterwards and we both thought nothing of it.

Upon getting home I had a text message saying "Trim your fingernails!" and found out in the subsequent phonecall that I can scratched the internals! I went to sleep...

I was awoken by my mother banging on my bedroom door (yes I still live at home! I'm not paying student house fees!), shouting "Are you alright?!". I rubbed my eyes and opened the door whereupon I was told how as she was going shopping, she saw a big bloody hand mark above the driver's door of my car and wanted to check I hadn't been in a fight! I looked out of the window and it looked like a kid had been hand-painting on my roof!

I blamed it on a papercut...
(r2b2 has ear cataracts?!?, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 21:39, Reply)

Oh, I've been waiting for this one...
I was very tempted to go for a far longer version of this story, but I'll abridge it for reasons of... well, who cares, you'll enjoy it more if it's shorter.

Anyway... I met someone through friends who was only ever in my vicinity during holidays as she went to uni elsewhere. We made it rather obvious that we liked each other, but never amounted to anything in the time we were given.
Still, we kept in contact over MSN, and she often confided in me with her troubles... and confusions.

During Easter, while she was home again, we went out for a night and ended up back at my place with a little wine in us. The mood was a little strange, but a few episodes of Family Guy later and we were having awkward, quiet sex with the lights off, until she asked me to stop.

"Sorry," I said, falling off her. "Is there something wrong?"

She paused for pretty much ever with the most confusion I've ever seen evident in a person. And then, without looking at me, she finally spoke...

"Yeah," she sighed. "I'm definitely gay."
(Sparkytus is obviously not a golfer, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 21:17, Reply)

Even the damn train came!!
A spot of mutual masturbation from a female friend (I was still "Our Lady" at this point). She came but I didn't - we were waiting for a train see, and it arrived.

Oddly enough the first time was an unqualified success, producing satisfactory orgasms for all involved parties.

Oh, and a few people have mentionned anal sex. Here's a thought of the day for you;

Anal sex is like Christmas presents; 'tis better to give than to recieve.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 20:43, Reply)

Bum Sex
'nuff said
(Legs 11 last got some loving on, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 20:18, Reply)

Bone
No, not that type.

I'm reminded of this one from an earlier post from, er, I forget.

Anyhoo.

I was doing the tongue thing on a girl (name witheld) and she was happily grinding on my face.

Different girl to the other story by the way....

Only she had a funny pointy hip bone.That pointed downwards.Onto my face.

Every time she "grinded" it was like someone pressing the end of a spoon onto my nose.

Try it. It hurts.

A lot.

Still did though - And you would have done too!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 19:45, Reply)

Imagine a 19 year old elfinpunk...
(sexy thought huh.?)
Well imagine being ridden to the realms of enjoyment by a red head.

Imagine hitting those well deserved vinegar strokes and being ready to fill her up with enough man juice to make her eyes bulge.

Now imagine getting cramp at the EXACT second you go to empty your nuts into her.

And did I get sympathy from her as I push her off and scream, frantically rubbing my leg to stop that terrible feeling of stiff muscle...

Did I fairy cakes.! She almost shat herself laughing. Caryn, I am glad it hurt when I whipped it out of your bum that time.! Love you, hehe.
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 19:31, Reply)

Well....
Apologies for my absence y'all, those of you that know me will know that I've been f***ing about with life....

Anyhoo - This isn't the worst sex I've had, but it was pretty freaky at the time....

I was in *** (location witheld to protect the stupid) and I was happily in a bar with my mate Scott* who has the gift of the gab (the man's better than I am at picking up!!)

Scott had picked up this girl who wasn't all bad, which left me on ugly duty. Great.

I looked over at the croco-dilly-pig sister and thought - "need more vodka" - this place was doing it for 79p for a vodka and mixer.

"I'll have 4 please. Hold the mixer."

"Actually, make that 8...."

Right, now I'm ready - I got on the dancefloor with the now beaut and we were promptly thrown out. Something about lewd behaviour.

That should have been my first and last warning.

Back to the hotel then - all 4 of us. Scott and bird promptly get it on and then, for whatever reason, leave.

"Nooooo! Don't leave me here with her!"

Anyway - without a word of a lie, 3 and a half hours of sex follow. I'm still impressed with that one to be fair.

I'm getting to the point by the way.

The weird thing was this - she decided to sit on my face. Literally. Now, normally I don't have a problem with this and I was enjoying it, as was she.

It was the way she was beginning to smother me pressing her pasty white thighs against the sides of my head and forcing her (less than fresh smelling) self on me.

After a bit, breathing became an issue - breathing being important and all - unfortunately I couldn't say anything as my mouth was, well, covered to say the least.

I did try to lift her up, but she took this as a sign for her to put her (not entierly svelt self) harder on my face.

Seeing became an issue at this point as did hearing.

Can't remember how I got up (the night did involve a LOT of vodka) but I remember her saying how good that had been.

I think I said something like "mmmmghhhgmhshmmm". Thankfully she decided she "needed a fag" and was going to go home.

I have occasional flashbacks of this and it's still scary....

***shudder***

PS, apologies for those of you that like that sort of thing.....

*Might not be his actual name
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 19:28, Reply)

Not worst but certainly scariest
Out at a Gothy night club in Glasgow (we'll call it the cathouse, because thats what everyone else does) And pull this absolutely stunning Gothic bird, wearing all the PVC and that, big ass dread. and Norks that could smother a kitten. So anyhoo me not being a locale and it costing about 50 odd squid in a taxi to get back to mine we go to her place. So some snogging and fondling happens in her room and then we eventually get down to it. So she's riding on top of me like a Gothic cowgirl trying to win a bucking bronco competition, then comes out with how she likes to get "a little kinky". Now I'm all up for spanking a lass and being tied up as much as the next bloke. But she went over to her bedside table (still on top of me mind) and pulls out one of those barber razor blades. "Oh shit she's going to cut my throat and sodomise my corpse" thinks I. No she wants me to cut her chest a little.

So what did I do? Being a gentleman I obliged and even spanked her too. Was a fucking great night after that.
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Sat 16 Jun 2007, 19:04, Reply)

14 stitches...
Just getting down to the needful with a splendidly gorgeous girl in my room in a Uni hall of residence when the twunts from the block started bashing on the door and jeering. Now I'm a fairly hefty bastard and jumped out of bed to thump one, trod on a wineglass and practically cut my fucking middle toe off. Blood everywhere and a trip to Hull Royal Infirmary.

Room-mate came back the following day and saw the dried blood everywhere and said : "Virgin was she?"
(Roger Darce sold his birthright for a mess of pottage, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 18:20, Reply)

Just over a year ago
I was at drinking straight gin for some reason when my memory went. By all accounts I started talking to this girl and within the hour had dragged her back to mine to have my wicked way with her (I'm quite classy when drunk).

Around the undressing stage my memory had started to return and I was wondering how on Earth I'd gotten myself in this situation. In my mind there were a few questions that needed answered, firstly, who the Hell was this person in their underwear that I was groping.

I asked her name. She looked rather annoyed and replied in a rather husky voice with what sounded like "Brian".

Cue panic attack.

Turns out she said Bryony but I still shat myself something chronic for a minute until she clarified that she wasn't a guy. She went on to attempt rather painfully to suck my testes off.

We now pretend not to recognise each other if we pass in the street.
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 17:39, Reply)

prison bride
I'll call him Ben. I don't know his real name but the rest of the guys called him Ben Dover on account of his first words to the fresh meat on B Wing.

I'd arrived on a six month stretch for fraud and didn't expect too much of a hard time. My cellmate 'Eazy Q' - a white rapper with a nasal whine and a mincing gait whose real name was Kevin Frampet - told me how it was 'in the clink.' "You've got to find a tough guy who'll look after you in return for him violating your various orifices at will," he said. When he bent over, his rectum was so wide that you could see out of his nostrils. He was very well looked after, evidently.

So I met Ben. He was a poorly educated fellow but made his intentions apparent by roughly sodomising me in the library as I sought a periodical. Prison brings out the best and the worst of men, and Ben was not a tender lover. His idea of foreplay was to bash my head against hard surfaces or get me in a necklock so that his goatish reek overpowered me. But he could be moved by poetry and I once saw him weep as I read Wordsworth to him as he used my buttocks as a tender bap for his engorged hotdog.

Before long we were inseparable - usually because his swollen tool was lodged in my anus. I derived no pleasure from the relationship and often wished him dead as his feral scrotum rested on my chin. As a heteroseual man, I had some considerable issues with the sexual aspects of our union and tried to explain to him with sign language and simple pictures that I was not a woman, but these pictures enraged him and invariably resulted in one of more of my tender holes being filled with his glistening meat.

When my six months was up, I bade Ben goodbye and went back to a normal life. But even now, when I smell a stray dog or a leathern satchel, I can't help but think of Ben and his primeval assaults upon my person.
(frankspencer, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 17:31, Reply)

eyes
A friend of mine was having sex with a girl one time, and she suddenly poked her fingers in his eyes!!!

Mind you he's a rapist.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 16:40, Reply)

Probably shouldn't post cos I'm drunk...but they're always the best, right?
Earlier this year I fell for a charming Italian bloke.

One of the many reasons I finally just ran out of his place and never answered his calls again was because he would cry.

The whole time.

Every time.

Because it was "so beautiful".

Gave up on pretensious Europeans after that, I can tell you.

Oh, and the time I was so embarassed to have 'come on' so suddenly that I had bled all over us, and then finally, upon cleaning up, realised that the blood wasn't coming from me.

I had vigourously snapped his banjo string right in the vital spot, sopping us both with his member-engorging claret.

Not pretty, and rather scary as he was very decidedly bi (as in, being with me had settled the matter in terms of whether he was even full-blown- no pun intended!- gay or not), and had had all sorts of fun-encrusted love up his fudge-pipe in the years before we met.

Mmm...maybe I *should* post more down the track.
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 16:39, Reply)

Ladies! Tell me you're on BEFORE we have sex (and then we won't.)
When bloody fingerprints appeared under my hands either side of her head while we got down to it, I started to suspect something was amiss :(
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 16:27, Reply)

never shag an epileptic
many years ago, i was living in a bedsit when my mate invited me down to meet her new fella. little did i know it was a set-up. she'd told her man's best mate (no, not his cock) all about me and he'd decided i was the one for him.
i get down there to find this lanky geek with glasses like coke-bottles and the worst dress sense i've ever seen. seriously, Giles Brandreth would ask him wtf he was doing outside in those clothes.
anyway, i've had experiences with a few geeks, who all had huge todgers. i thought, what the hell, he might be good for a shag.
i didn't know he was epileptic then.
we drank a great deal that night. we had lots of vodka, but no coke or lemonade, so we mixed it with wine instead. classy, i know.
my mate decides it's time for a bit of loving and drags her bloke off to the bedroom.
i must have been very drunk, because he asked for a blow and i agreed. i am so glad he kept the lights on. i was on my knees in a flash, unbuttoned his pants and got his old man out. it wasn't a bad size, actually. however, due to being a vain bitch, i hadn't worn my glasses that night. i was just about to pop his nob in my mouth, when i saw something that made me stop. something blue. i looked closer and discovered that it was loo roll. not just an isolated bit, either. there were small bits of it all over his manhood, kinda rolled into little tube shapes where he had obviously been rubbing it.
the shriek i let out, followed by extremely loud and unsubtle retching sounds, brought my mate and her man out of the bedroom to have a look. after they'd stopped laughing, my mate asked me what was wrong.
"he's got smeggy bog roll all over his cock, that's what's wrong!" i yelled. the laughing this time went on for five minutes.
he went redder than a sunburned scrotum and ran for the bathroom, while i grabbed the vodka bottle and drained it.
shortly after, he was cleaned up and i was pissed enough to give him another try. no blow job, though, i've never given another one since. it was okay, i suppose, so i decided to give him a trial run. i was bored and constantly horny, i needed cock on tap.
about a week later, we were both in mine and, feeling the old horn yet again, we started to get down to things. my bed was very small, too small for both of us to be comfortable. the floor was not an option as carpet burns hurt like fuck. i knew that the bedsit across the hall was empty, unlocked and, best of all, had a double bed. what it didn't have was a double mattress.
not wanting to give up so easily, we decided to take my mattress with us, thinking that two singles would a double make. there we were, 3a.m, running across the hall like a couple of giant, naked bedbugs with my mattress between us. unfortunately, my landlord always kept the hall lights on. even more unfortunately, my elderly neighbour chose that precise moment to get a drink of water from our communal kitchen. this wasn't too bad, you may think, the mattress would surely cover the bulk of our nakedness. this would have been the case if his bedsit wasn't behind us.
after a very embarrassed silence, my neighbour turned round and went back into his room.
we finally got into the empty bedsit, put my mattress next to the other one on the double base, and proceeded to get down to things.
we didn't proceed too far. after two minutes, his little fella was limper than a vicar's handshake and no amount of coaxing would wake it. my fella then decided to tell me he was severely epileptic and the medication he was on often made it very difficult for him to keep a stiffy for more than a minute or two. "keep a stiffy?" i shouted, "you couldn't get it up with a concrete injection!"
as i stormed off back to my room, still naked, my neighbour poked his head out again. i just said "what the fuck are you looking at?" and went into my room. i threw my now ex boyfriend's clothes out of my window. he was not happy about this, or the fact that i wouldn't let him back into my room. needless to say, we've never spoken since.
that was 13 years ago, but he still pesters my friend for my phone number, telling her he loves me. what a tit.

length? 2 minutes, i already told you.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 16:23, Reply)

The worst i've ever had...
Ginger.
(Lt_Mof0, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 15:47, Reply)

all sex with me is awful
you should try it.
(bl33dingsaint how's your father?, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 15:28, Reply)

What rotten luck!
Well it was all going so well! There I was, popping my penis in and out of this lovely girl's virginia just like you're supposed to.

She was smiling and nodding her head in approval "good form" she'd say before taking a puff on her pipe "keep at it laddy!".
Spurred on by her words of encouragement I stepped it up a gear, she responds with "oooh marvellous!" and "that's the spirit!"

Well, I'm as experienced as the next fellow but even I couldn't contain myself at dirty-talk like that and before I knew it, I was ejaculating right up inside of her griffin (I hope no one objects to me referring to her twat as a griffin?)

All was fine, we parted with an amicable handshake and away I went. 'What a lovely day' I thought to myself. That was until I discovered I had contracted HIV from her, and then fully blown AIDS!! By crikey I felt such a plonker! She'd certainly pulled the wool over MY eyes! Let me tell you - I've only just stopped blushing, I felt quite the fool.

Never mind eh?
(Andrew Avetoom, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 15:16, Reply)

My revolting ex
I was with the same twunt for eight years. Lets call him Marc, for that was his name.

He was a virgin when I got with him (I was 17 he was 22) and thus I was the official cherry popper. You expect a bloke to be crap the first time he gives sex a go, however, Marc managed to keep the sexual skills of a virgin throughout the eight years we were together, despite all efforts to enlighten him.
This is the pitiful tale of our so called 'sex life'...

1. He wouldn't take off his t-shirt during sex, making the whole thing awkward.
2. He had no sex drive. I'm not exagerating when I say he only wanted sex once a year. I have a high sex drive but he refused me more times than I care to think about.
3. When he decided to have his annual shag he also suffered premature ejaculation and sex never lasted more than a minute or two. He would literally lie still on top of me because the minute he moved he would shoot off.
4. He was stingy with oral sex, taking more times than he would ever give.
5. When he did give he would belch during it, killing the mood completely. He would blame me for that as it was my fault he had to lie in an awkward position to do it and apparently I gave him heartburn anyway.
6. He watched tons of porn but wouldn't share it with me as I would apprently spoil it. He would make me wait in a coffee shop around the corner from his porn shop whilst he went to buy porn.
7. He told me that the porn had to contain loads of 'pop shots' for him to like it, so there is fair chance he was gay.
8. He made feeble creepy girly noises when he came and would practically cry.
9. He would occasionally ignore me for a couple of months then tell me that I was getting fat and that if I got any bigger he would probably stop calling me. I know for a fact that much of his porn collection contain obese women (twice my size).
10. He let his nails grow too long and I found it revolting when he touch me 'down there'.
11. Sex was always in silence.
12. He accused me of faking orgasms when I didn't.
13. He told me full sex should only be about once a year or else it wouldn't be special. He stuck to that.
14. I was never, in the whole 8 years I as with him, allowed under his duvet cover. We never once slept in the same bed.
15. He was small and frankly I couldn't feel a thing. (I have had a smaller guy who was excellent in bed - so size isn't everything. I guess its how you use it).
16. He was totally closed minded when it came to experimenting with positions, bondage or anything like it.
17. He though a 30 second kiss was adequate foreplay. He would literally not speak to me after ejaculation so I would have to finish myself off when he went to the bathroom. It was so depressing I would leave his house early and go binge on KFC.
18. To top it all off, he assaulted me by forcing me to do something I didn't want to do. I was so weak minded I forgave him instantly. Then he dumped me a week later which was about the only good thing he ever did for me.

Funily, when he asked for me back about 8 months ago I said no.

Bitter? Hell yes. I will never forgive him or myself for so much wasted time!
(Just a girl., Sat 16 Jun 2007, 15:15, Reply)

Worst?
It's hard to pick 1 worst (although looking over it, they are all from early on in my sexual carrer - coincidence? i think not)...

so here's a selection:

First girlfriend (first time) - Not a good idea attempting to loose your "V plates" outside her parents house, on the muddy driveway at 3am IN NOVEMBER... (t'was a bit cold y'know!)

second girlfriend (still finding my stride)- she does the famous "play dead" impression, not moving or emoting in the slightest...
(to make things worse, after we split up, we both go down to the local club ont'pull - and she gets the girl, damn bi-sexuals!!)

third g/f: attempted to shove a candle "up there" was very quickly single again.

thankfully after that things picked up quite well,

length? quite impressive, as long as it's not cold...
( Coventry, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 14:53, Reply)

I once pulled a person in a club
and we went back to mine but I shat out of my cock because of this disease I have and it went all over their face and it was really horrid.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 14:32, Reply)

Wine
Dry white is the worst sec ever
(kitescreech still here, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 14:30, Reply)

There are several
Waco, The children of God, the Jesus Army, Jehovah's Witnesses and the Mormons.

These have to be the worst sects ever...
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 14:26, Reply)

not exactly sex, but...
Just think of the first ever thing your pretty little face rubs against. (unless that is, you were lucky enough to have a cesarean)
I'm glad my memory only goes back to when i was about 4!
(newname123 tried to impress you, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 14:10, Reply)

Falling asleep
Neither of these were personally awful, but I think from an objective point of view any sex where you fall asleep is bad sex.

1) We were both very tired, very drunk, but went for it anyway. I woke up maybe an hour later still on top and inside. I woke her up, feeling guilty. "Was it okay?" I asked, expecting the worst. She smiled and said "Great" and went back to sleep. As far as I can tell, we spontaneously fell asleep.

2) Lately I've had blackout problems as I drink. On Saturdays I drink a ton and get home safely with gaps missing in the details. I woke up next to my woman in the morning and went down for the first piss of the day. I sat down on the toilet (too lazy to stand) and began to evacuate my bladder. There was a wet sensation, like my knob was dangling in the water. Disgusted, I jumped up, expecting to see the bowl overflowing with christ knows what. Nope, it was clean. I was wearing a condom which was ballooning up with urine. I asked the woman and apparently we got into it but she was tired and had enough, so she asked me to stop. A second later she turned to me, expecting me to be angry, but I was fast asleep. The condom was never taken off. I'm impressed I was able to perform well enough for her, but still disturbed I have absolutely no memory to this day of it happening.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 14:03, Reply)

my first cyber sex experience
This 'girl' i met called leslie g....

I'm still scarred....
(newname123 tried to impress you, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 13:53, Reply)