Honestly, I was playing with it!
Besides the usual scars and scratches and bites I 've acquired from having cats, this was the worst...
I remember the day... September 18, 2001. I had came home from school, and saw a cat just sitting there on the sidewalk. Me, being the cat person I am, started petting it. It seemed friendly, so I picked it up (this was the stupidest thing I could've done. ever.) Of course, the cat does not like this, and soon, the cat is attached to my arm. And he wouldn't stop biting. I swung my arm as hard as I could possibly, and he flew off. Upon further inspection of my arm, I saw that I had four rather huge holes in my arm and some scratches. I was a bit more foolish then, so I went inside and grabbed the perscription strength antibiotic cream and rubbed it all over my arm. Parents come home, see the arm, and say it looks worse than usual and that they'd make me a doctor's appointment the next day. All of that was forgotten when we went to some dinner thing and a family friend, who happens to be a nurse saw it. Told us to call a doctor once we got home. We did. Since the cat didn't have its shots, and it bit me that hard... he said that I'd have to go to the emergency room. To get rabies shots.
I freaked out and started to cry. There was NO WAY I was going to go get bunches of shots in my stomach. We get there, wait for what seems like an eternity, and my name is called. There is two bottles sitting out, one with a bright pink fluid and one clear. The bright pink bottle is much larger than the clear one. I'm told to sit down and relax, while they give me the first shot in my arm. (That was the tetnaus shot with the clear liquid.) Then, the second shot also in my left arm, with a bit of the pink liquid. I then see them taking out the biggest syringe I've ever seen in my life and also filling it up. I start crying again. I get another four shots in the bite holes... Then am told that they're going to have to split up the rest of the shot.. in my ass. At that point, getting shots in my stomach sounded great.
After that was all done, we're handed a sheet of paper telling me when to come back during the next two months.
My arm was also swelled up and very red, and I had to go on antibiotics to clear up the infection.
In gym class the next day, my teacher looked quite weirdly at me when I handed her the note that said I was to be excused from class because I couldn't sit or do much of anything because of the pain...
Needless to say, I don't go petting stray cats much anymore.
(to the lighthouse, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 1:02, Reply)

My sister attacked me once.
With a knife too. I worry about her.
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Wed 8 Jun 2005, 0:55, Reply)

Still don't know how it got away...
I was riding my motorbike back home one day when this pigeon SHOT out of the hedgerow right in front of me. I didn't even have enough time to swerve, but I didn't feel even the tinyest bump so I wondered it I'd hit it.

Looking in my mirror I saw this huge cloud of feathers, and thought "Yup. I hit it." So I turned round and went back.

When I reached the dazed bird it was just getting to its feet somewhat unsteadily, with a totally plucked naked stomach. I could see bits of feather stuck in the motorbike's drive chain.

Damn thing must have gone THROUGH the back wheel and got scalped... how it lived, how it even made it through intact escapes me, but after ten minutes or so it flew off apparently non the worse for wear.

Bet it was cold though.
(Snitter the Rat, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 0:37, Reply)

At a friends house quite some time ago....
and everytime i went to this particular friends house, we would play with her pet beaver, i mean, er, guinea pig...
Anyway, one fateful day...we took out said guinea pig and played with it as per normal.
For some reason we decided to give the damn rodent a bath, cue not knowing how to do so and me being faced with said animals tiny cock. In complete cliche fashion the cunting thing pissed all over me and then lept onto my face and bit me on the nose.

Stupid smelly irritating little rodents...CURSE THEM ALL
(Arse Biscuits The question is not who, but why?, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 23:38, Reply)

Swimming with sharks
Back around 1998/1999, me and my best mate went to the Maldives on a Scuba diving holiday. We learned to scuba dive while we were out there, and we told that we WOULD be swimming with sharks. They live out there, in large numbers, and there's not a lot you can do about it. Anyway, we're out on a scuba dive, and we see loads of sharks, who couldn't be less interested in us. They just act like you aren't there and get on with menacing the smaller fish. Time passes quickly underwater, and all too soon it's time to head back up to the boat. On route, we pass a giant turtle. You know the things, those poor harmless turtles that return to the same place to lay their eggs and are protected by more treaties than you can shake a stick at. Well, said turtle has obviously had a bad day, as just as my mate has finished looking at it and swims away, it turns round and tries to take a bite out of his leg! Cue me frantically trying to find something metal to bang on my tank to warn him. Luckily, the turtle fell short of the mark, and my mate escaped unscathed. I'd hate to think what would have happened if it had bit him and drew blood with all the sharks nearby though...

Apologies for lack of shark attacks, but not length/girth.
(Chewy , masticating since 1978., Tue 7 Jun 2005, 22:53, Reply)

again not me but...
my mate's grandma's cat was found half dead at the bottom of the garden. After rushing it to the vet (who was sadly too late to save it) granny was informed that the poor blighter had been raped by a fox. Apperently it wasn't the first feline assault on her road. Sad but strangely hilarious.
(Barry Big Fist, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 22:17, Reply)

not me but...
I know this girl, she was about 5 or 6 at the time, who was playing in her back garden when a wasp flew up to her eye. Her mam came out just in time and in a confused and frantic effort to save her daughter she cupped her hands around her daughter's face, containing the wasp. I won't bore you with the details of what happened next, but she had to wear an eypatch for a week.
hee hee
(Barry Big Fist, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 21:55, Reply)

Psycho Duck
There i was minding my own business on a canal boat and a duck leaped out the water savaging my left thumb. Fun part was in the two weeks afterward when my thumb swelled to three times the origional size and went green and mouldy.
(Benmbedlam, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 21:45, Reply)

Cock(rel)
when i was wee i went to an open farm kind of like a petting zoo. i saw a cockrel and decided promptly that he would be an ideal friend and companion, and proceeded to try and persuade him to get in my Postman Pat backpack (i was a stylish 4 year old). He didn't like that, and I ended up with a cockrel scratch. ow :(
(eepcicles, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 21:17, Reply)

I only get attacked by moths....
Everywhere I go there they are. The little fucking, flappy dusty little feckers. I remember once being at an ice breaker for a univeristy club called RAG at Queens in belfast and this dirty great cockbadger of a moth came flying in the window. I swear this thing had the iron cross mark of the WWII german air force on it. It came flying in and attacked everything, and when all the silly bints stopeed shouting "Don't kill it, it's a buttfly!" the group leader looked at me and just said "Go for it".

If I had been playing baseball it would have been a home run, it just exploded into dust when my hard back copy of Viz 'The sheriff's rusty badge' hit it.

Crap story, but i just hate moths.
( Bamboo Steamer, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 21:13, Reply)

Guard dogs are crap...
I was 14 years old, it was mid-winter, I was delivering on my paper route. Come across house that was know to have the biggest damn german shepard guard (read attack) dog ever. Happens this day the dog was left out unattended. Cue me delivering their paper and coming face to face with said dog, dog growls & charges. Without thinking, I wrapped canvas paper bag around arm, dog jumps, locks onto arm. Hurt like fuck. Being it was winter, I had on these steel toed, rubber boots so I kicked the fucker, hard, in the chest. Loud cracking noise (i'm thinking his ribs), dog yelps, releases and then I kicked the fucker in the head. Maybe over-kill but he was trying to do me in. He never bothered me again.
(bazzing, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 21:11, Reply)

Only been attacked once
While at the beach when about ten or so, a hornet landed on my knee.

"Don't move," people shouting their warnings at me. "It'll sting you!"

So what did I do? Why of course, I stood perfectly still. What did the little fecker do? Why of course, it stung me on the knee.

And that *hurts*.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 20:36, Reply)

rabbit cunts
tonight i thourght id make a pre emptive strike against the rabbit scum but my driving instructor thourght hed save the rabbit scum and grabbed to steering wheel out of my hand. the cunt
(fwack bang on it, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 20:25, Reply)

How could he get it soooooo wrong?
Admittedly this is pre-attack, but here goes:

When they were young, my friends brother was apparently poking a wasps nest with a stick. When told that this was not a good idea, he uttered the immortal words:

"It's alright - I 've already been stung once, I can't be stung again"
(DaveSlap, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 19:39, Reply)

Coming home from the pub, about 12am, I sit down, eat, and decide it'd be a good idea to play with the chinchillas.

It was not.

One of the little bastards escaped. Now they don't look it, but they're the fastest bloody house pet things I have ever seen. And hard to catch without crushing to death/tail falling off/similar fate.

And so ensues roughly an hour and a half of me running round absolutely wasted in my pants and bra, getting bitten, pissed on and screeched at by this rogue rodent, gloriously failing to catch him every single time.

Until about 2am when I conceded defeat and shouted for my parents to come catch it. They caught him in a blanket and then pissed themselves laughing at me, wounded and crying in a corner.

Evil, evil things.

Edit: There was this thing at the local Pizza sell-y place thing involving me, lots of weed, and a moth the size of my hand. This being England and me being stoned and of the moth-hating variety, you could imagine it was quite disturbing. It did not look normal.

It flew at me :(
(sporky, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 19:32, Reply)

Why Cows are Evil and yet Funny
(Didn't actually happen to Me, but I was involved..)

On a trip to North Wales with my sister we were travelling along in one of those narrow gauge steam railways that's for the tourists.

Reaching a rural station we see a small child, a lad, standing infront of no less than a huge brown cow with only a fence inbetween them, looking around, oblivious to the bovine threat behind him. Then the cow reached down and licked (or bit we think) it just above the elbow.

Now the night before we'd daftly watched most of the oh-so-awesome Weebl and Bob archive. Including yes, "Cows".

So, the child lets out a shrill squeal and look astounded. I lean out the train's window and yell, "Cows are poisonous - Quick, suck out the poison kid!" (obviously, the poor kid was only 3-4 years old)

Cue the little blighter trying to suck on his elbow. then he looks across all teary eyed and wails "I caaaaaan't! Mommyyyyyy!"

At this point an old blonde woman nearby gives us a deathly stare. Thankfully the train steamed away right at the moment. Thankfully.
Cruel but by Gods it was worth it.
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 19:21, Reply)

Evil Waspish smiles
Wasps are evil. This is obvious to me as i have been stung upwards of 3 times.

The thing landed on my coke can -me obvlious- took a sip only to discover a WASP STING OF DEATH. Once the thing had suitably stung my 9 year old upper pallette, gums and tonsils it died and i swallowed it.

This, of course, took less than a quarter second and i was helpless to stop it.

Wasps: 1 Schumann: 0.

(consequently i now run like a 19 year old girl when approached by one of the bastages.)
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Tue 7 Jun 2005, 19:19, Reply)

thinking about it...
...I don't think I have really been attacked by anything.

*steps into dark corner and sulks about how uneventful and sad my life is*
( PoorDoggie, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 18:54, Reply)

Hairy caterpillar
Nicey and I were in France, staying in a friends very rural farmhouse. I sat down on the bed, only to jump up again very quickly yelping as I did so. I thought I'd sat on a wasp, but no, it was worse. Not so close inspection of my arse (I was naked at the time) found a wriggly red weal. On the bed was the squashed remains of a very black and hairy caterpillar.
And to think I'd never believed Nicey when he told me caterpillars could sting.
( Wifey, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 18:34, Reply)

hornets of doom.
my mates and i used to play hide and seek on some hay bales at the edge of a farm. just before going home for the night i accidently ran my bmx tyre over a hornets nest, suddenly we were swarmed by them. being particularly vicious bastards they started to go up our shorts and t-shirts, we must have looked a sight the four of us running up the street screaming in pain and stripping our clothes off frantically. then i had to sit in a bath for what seemed like forever with something the doctors sent because i was coming over all lumpy from all the stings. so i went wrinkly as fuck as well. not very nice.
(come2whereimfrom .co.uk, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 18:16, Reply)

wasps
Stepped on a wasp at the beach once when I was very little. Fucking hurt, so what did my mum do? Bury it in the sand and make a little cross out of twigs for its grave. Never quite understood that.
(kohoutec, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 17:44, Reply)

trout
In my diligent youth I was quite a keen angler.
One day I had caught quite a few tasty specimens, which I had killed ofr keeps and eats.
On my last cast I hooked a big one, oh yes. I eargerly wound the beasty in, where upon trying to dislosge the hook the fucker bit me, hard. I was rather shocked due to the fact I had caught hundreds of dosile trout before and never had this problem.

So I ate the bastard.

It would have been free to do its spawny river thing if it had behaved too.
(Is this it like eggs but better, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 17:21, Reply)

Swans *do* break arms...
So, hanging out by a reservoir with friend, and friends annoying 12 year old brother. Classic game of 'chuck rocks into the water' ensues, except friends brother with his wimpy 12-year-old muscles can only just about make the edge of the water from where we are. Loud splashing/hissing commotion, and one mighty pissed off swan appears...
Friend and I leg it one way (in the general direction of my car). Friends brother runs the other... Swan identifies smallest and closest target and proceeds to chase friends brother, catches up to him, and strikes. L'il brother goes down hard, and starts to scream/cry/doesn't sound too happy. Swan turns and runs back towards the reservoir with wings held high (Imagine Michael Owen's goal celebration). We exit car and go to investigate. L'il brother has a massive bruise on his thigh where the swan actually struck him, but the reason he was screaming became apparent as his right hand was dangling limply from a seriously odd looking arm/wrist. So, off to hospital we toddle whilst trying to concoct an appropriate story for a) the hospital staff, and b) his parents.*
So, a kind of swan breaks arm by proxy story

*needless to say, we got hopelessly confused and between the three of us managed to tell both stories and the truth to both hospital staff and parents. Remember kids, if you're going to lie, remember who's said what to who...
(Boris_the_Pig, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 17:17, Reply)

Devil Goat attack!
After a night out surrounding beers, the end of the walk home up a farm track was blocked by a medium sized goat. with horns. In my enlightened state(read: pissed), I knew that this was one of these moments that people have that makes them famous - in films and dodgy tabloids- The Devil Had come To Claim Me!!

It followed me home, whilst I desperately tried to think of something biblical to fend Him off.. to no avail. I tried then to push him away by the horns - but I hadn't reckoned with how strong those little sods are, and nearly got both my arms broken.
I ended up making a run for the front door, only to get butted in the bum whilst fumbling for the keys. OW!!!!
I thought that no one would believe my run in with Old Nick, bu the goat was still there in the morning, and attacked my dad when he went out for the milk. I didn't mention the diabolic connection though..

If you ever get reaaaly close to a goat, check out the eyes- you can see where people get the Devil bit from.

Apologies for butting in.. as the goat said.
( hplasm, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 16:11, Reply)

Badger Badger etc
My 'friend' was riding his moped, and mans worst enemy (the badger) steps out infront of him.
*Crunch*
*Wheeee*
*Splat*
One broken leg needing surgery to set straight, and the badger got away scott free. Damn indestructible badgers.
(freddiestarfish, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 16:05, Reply)

funkie
when i was young, i was bitten on the arse by a doberman that had no teeth. Still hurt though.
(funkie, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 15:50, Reply)

More crows
Some scene setting: Summertime last year I stumbled back from a huge party at about 6am and climbed into bed next to my dozing girlfriend.

At about 10am I woke up briefly to her saying "Hey, there's some weird noises coming from the chimney."

"Mmmmf, mrrrmrrmrmrmrmrrr" came the decisive reply from me.

At about noon I woke up feeling quite ropey. "Hey," says I "there's weird noises coming from the chimney."

"Indeed," replied girlf "incidentally isn't communication the greatest thing in our relationship."

"Uhuh, pass that screwdriver." I proceeded to unscrew the little vent from my tastefully boarded up fireplace (not my place, a rented room) at which point there is an almighty scrabbling and something sticks its head out. At this point I definitely didn't jump about three feet in the air... nope... no way. So after my heart rate had come back down a baby crow thing hopped out and using its uncanny avian sense of direction proceeded to fly to the corner of my room furthest from all the windows where it hid behind my bike. We opened a window and chivvied it out from its corner and it finally got the idea and took to the wing towards freedom. It took a beautiful line right up to the last yard where it gained another foot of altitude and connected quite solidly with the glass. It finally made it out though where I hope it got a right bollocking from it's crow-parents for flying down a chimney and waking me up when I could have done with about 6 hours more sleep.

Not attacked as such but it did make me jump (except of course that I didn't).

First post! Erm... woo?
(flimflam_machine, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 15:33, Reply)

When I was 13
I got bitten by an Alsatian while I was doing a paper round. It wasn't the pain that upset me - more the fact that I had just become such a fucking cliche.
(mikey, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 15:18, Reply)