Dogs...ooh and then one about tortoises
I used to be a paperboy for my sins...I once went to a door to chuck the shitty newspaper through the postbox and the owner of the house opened the door...their dog jumps out and proptly bites my knee...I promptly kick the cunt in the balls...the fucker runs away yelping...I walk away with a sore knee but a sense of triumph...

and the tortoise one...

I went to some crocodile reserve in Mauritius a few years ago...we wander around and eventually get to see the giant tortoises...one spots me and walks towards me with a hungry look in it's eye...I move away assuming it just wants to get past...it turns and carries on moving towards me...I move away a bit more this time...it turns again to face me and carries on...
this carries on for about 10 minutes until my wife finally stops cooing over one that she's feeding...and we fuck off to look at the monkeys...I've never been chased so slowly in my life...

apologies for a shite answer, but the question isn't particualrly inspiring!!!
(littleben hasn't anything funny to put here, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:52, Reply)

When my Grandma's cat (now deceased) was a kitten...
It used to run up my Grandpa's leg when he was doing the washing up. Apparently his leg always had small holes in it.
( Lightguy hail satan, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:50, Reply)

Seagull... part 1
I rather like them, but they are also vicious, self-centred, thieving bastards!

On a delightful Sunday evening, in the Summer, several years ago, me and my brother and my folks are sitting on a park bench in Lyme Regis (a popular, but still fairly quaint, seas-side village in Devon, England) in a small park on the sea front.

My brother is about to tuck into a rather large portion of battered fish when a one-legged seagull (the size of a small dog) swoops down and grabs not only the battered fish, but also the whole packet of fish and chips.

Turns out that (amongst the locals) this particular seagull is quite famous for just these kind of antics.

Went back there a couple of years ago and the bloddy thing is STILL plying its dastardly trade.

hasn't managed to carry off any babies or small children... yet!
(IcePimp, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:49, Reply)

Wasps...
Ever seen a wasp (NOT a hornet) that was over 2 inches (45mm) long?
No, not kidding... I have a scaled photo to prove it.

Ever gone into your kitchen in the dark and unknowingly grabbed it in your hand thinking that it was a peice of pizza lying on your worktop?

Ever heard a grown man shreik like a girl (when it buzzzzed in his hand)?

Drop the buzzzing thing, run out of the kitchen and turn the light on as you leave. Shut the door and look back through the porthole. Then wonder how on Earth you got away with not being stung by a stinger that was in all likelihood the size of a drawing pin?

Then you hit the problem... wasp-killer spray is in the kitchen... with a very, very bad-tempered armour-plated alien killing machine flying around.

The solution... your friend arrives (on his way round to the pub) and you get them to go into the kitchen to investigate, armed only with the West London (very very heavy) copy of the Yellow Pages.

Find killer wasp on the floor... drop the Yellow pages onto it from a six foot height and... problem solved.
(Thanks Steve... you're a good mate.)


Come to think of it, that was the first and only time I have ever had a use for the Yellow Pages.
(IcePimp, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Ooh, another one
In Cyprus, in my aunts house, they have a cat which finds someone standing still and lies down behind their feet. The bastard just wants to trip people up.
Anyhoo, being the model guest that I am, and after being nagged by the mother, I'm doing the washing up. So, enter the cat.
All finished, I take a step back, kicking it squarely in the ribs. Cat takes this opportunity to test it's newly sharpened claws on the back of my foot, so it grabs my achilles heel with the front set, goes about trying to disembowell my foot with the back two while chomping the crap out of my skin.
I shout "FUCKING BASTARD CAT!!!"
I kick it again.
I get a clout around the back of the head for being cruel to animals and the cat gets a bowl of cream. Needless to say, I took great pleasure in exacting my revenge during the rest of the holiday. Though, when I got back, I thought about, and couldn't believe I started, and lost, a war with an animal 50 times smaller than me and with about the intellectual capacity of a lobotimised grapefruit.
(Gat Bandish I've got wood in my soul, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Amateur bush antics
I was on a canoeing trip on the Zambezi with my 19-yr-old Zimbabwean mate. He was from Harare and had only been into the bush once before.

We had too much to drink in the evening and fell asleep al fresco. A touch naïve but hey, we were on holiday.

3am I woke to hear my friend in some distress, then noticed three big hyenas right next to us. I was dead brave and scared them off with a semi-conscious adreneline-fuelled shouty dancy thing.

When I came back I realised my mate had been attacked as he slept and his upper lip and most of his nose had been bitten off.

Fuckin horrid. We were ill-equipped and had to wrap his face in a T-shirt to keep the flies off whilst I paddled us back to a camp to radio a plane.

He's a right ugly bastard now and friends call him rabies.

(Hi rabies!!)
(skindley, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:32, Reply)

I was bitten...
By a Shetland pony when i was ikkle.
( Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:31, Reply)

Not me...
...but my sister.This must have been, ooh, two years ago now, and I still take great pleasure in reminding her about this. So, there we were, staying in a caravan at some crappy park, which boasted a surprising lack of entertainment.
We were lounging by the communal pool (read small, child infested, man-made puddle)and the sister was coming back with a portion of chips. Unfortunately for her, she had to walk past the grottiest bin in existence, which, being summer, had it's own community of one small wasp.
Her being all but phobic of wasps, I was watching with malicious glee. Walking up to the bin, she noticed the small wasp all of five feet away from her. She freezes. The wasp, sensing panic, buzzes around the bin in a vain attempt to lull her into a false sense of security. However, the wasp's path takes it infintessimaly closer to said sister, so she lets out an ear-piercing shriek which I swear could have caused an avalanch over in the Himalayas.
Launching the chips into space, she turns, screaming and gibbering, and runs out of the pool (puddle) area. Running, barefoot, over the sharpest, hottest gravel in existence. I would say that that ruined the holiday, but there wasn't going to be much to ruin anyway.
So, not really an animal attack, but she swears to this day it was making a bee-line for her *badum-tish*

No apologies for length, I'm allergic to them.
(Gat Bandish I've got wood in my soul, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:27, Reply)

Bastard Geese
Once, whilst enjoying a nice pint on a summery evening in the beer garden of a west country pub (along with 50 odd other tourist, this big old goose starts going apeshit at me, screeching, flappin, pecking, spitting etc totally ignoring everyone else. Cue rest of pub pissing themselves laughing, oh what merriment!, that was until I put a glass ahstray round the side of it's head, all of a sudden I'm the bad guy! even though I've got blood pissing from one ear, ripped clothes and tufts of hair missing! musn't hurt the poor little goosey woosey... CUNT!
(The voices told me to do it, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:25, Reply)

Aggressive Apes?
Almost 20 years ago one saturday afternoon as I was emerging from deepest darkest Roker Park, I was set upon by a flock? a herd? I suppose the collective noun these days would be a chav of Makems.

If you aren't familiar with Mackems , they are a subspecies of ape, peculiar to the North East.

Not the most intelligent of animals, they make up for the lack of reasoning ability displayed by their distant relative the orangutan by being territorial and very aggressive, needing little or no provocation to attack. When about to attack, they make threatening grunting noises that can sound almost like human speech. Both males and females can reach quite impressive sizes in adulthood, some weighing in at over 300 pounds although it is usually the smaller, quicker and more agile young males that are the most dangerous.

About half a dozen of these nasty, smelly creatures gathered around me, grunting, approaching and jostling me and obviously trying to work up the courage to attack. I tried making placatory hand gestures in a vain attempt to calm them down but unfortunately this seemed only to provoke them more. I was pushed to the ground, pawed, scratched, kicked and punched and left semi-conscious, bleeding from cuts around my face and arms. Eventually they all drifted off, having lost interest in my prone form due to thankfully short attention spans.

Although the scars have faded, I have a constant reminder round my left eye-socket of how close I came to losing my sight in that eye.

Worst thing was, a couple of days later I had a date with an absolutely stunning friend of a friend, let’s call her Melissa, and I had to turn up in dark glasses, face covered in scabs and every movement agony because of the bruising.

To this day I hate Makems, they should be eradicated from the face of the earth.
(SpittyWoonerism, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:24, Reply)

Seagull Shitting On A Magpie (Supporter)
Not spectacularly funny, but kind of ironic...

Was leaving the MCG (a big cricket ground in Melbourne) couple of weeks ago after the Collingwood/Richmond game (Collingwood are the Magpies). Richmond beat us quite convincingly, so I was not happy.

My mood was not encouraged when one of the many seagulls flying overhead managed to drop a sloppy turd onto my neck. There were 50 odd thousand people leaving the 'G that afternoon, but the fucker attacked me with his arse.

Still, we went on to beat the top of the ladder Eagles the following week.
(Pleiades, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:20, Reply)

Tarantula
I've handled large spiders and snakes several times before.
They don't scare me because I understand the golden rule... treat them with respect!
Don't ever get into an enclosure with a moody animal!

So picture the scene... my friend invites me to take a look at the tarantulas and giant stick-insects that he is breeding.
And he adds, "Only don't get too close to 'The Mama' (taranula) because she is shedding at the moment, which upsets her and makes her moody". Think of it as a very bad case of 'time-of-the-month'.

So into his heated shed we go.
Lots of creepy-crawlies everywhere, safely shut away in heated glass cases. Nice.

We turn to look at The Mama. Only to discover that her glass case is empty. She's done a runner - she is big enough to push the lid of her case off!
Oh crap!!

Friend tells me that I cannot leave now... if we open the door to the shed, the Mama might escape.

So there I stand in a tiny shed... knowing that there is a very large and very pissed-off spider moving around in there with me (don't look up), whilst my friend pokes around in the corners with a fishing net trying to recapture Mama... think of the scene from the first Alien film where the face-hugger comes off the chap's face and they are poking around the science lab trying to find it.



Length?... you should have seen the size of that twunting spider!
(IcePimp, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:20, Reply)

Donkeys suck
Forget donkey sanctuaries or Christ roaming round Jerusalem on a "humble" beast of burden... they're absolute cunts.

I was 6, on holiday in Jersey, and we went into the circus's field to see one of the donkeys. Under my parents' duress, I went to pat the donkey's side, at which point it belted me with its hind leg and I went flying into a pile of its steaming shit.

It was not remotely funny.
(sentinel, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:06, Reply)

Slanty eyed sideways walking bastards
I was a small boy, and as with many small boys I was regularly hauled round a variety of interesting locations by well meaning parents..
One of these locations was the infinitely terrifying FISH MARKET OF DOOM where they sold live crabs and lobsters.. Needless to say when the large crate of live crabs was knocked over, showering my 4 year old self with biting, snapping mobile canopes, I was thrilled and excited...and didn't at all break down in hysterical tears. It made such a lasting impact on me that as a 29 year old 6'2" bloke, the little slanty eyed sidweays walking bastards still give me the heeby jeebies.

Still, I've eaten enough of them over the years which is more than they managed, despite their best efforts, to do to me..
(Hairy_matt, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:04, Reply)

bird attacks.
There's a guy in my class who loves to harass animals. Not to hurt them, of course. On these particular occasions we were on a school trip to the beach.
We were at an aquarium/wildlife center. The guy in question is teasing an owl. He was wearing a yellow shirt that was threatening - every time he took a step toward the cage it would puff itself up and make hissy noises. Well, when he had gone too far, this happened:
gasp!
He was surprised(obviously) but that didn't keep him from provoking two more attacks from it.
Later we were at a petting zoo at a historic plantation place. Guy went straight for the turkeys:
turkey
It cracked and chased him into a goat pen, where the goats also tried to kill him. No injuries were sustained, sadly.
I've also had a bird attack me several times at a random rest stop in Florida. It broke the skin. I've been attacked bt a seagull in the face on the deck of a seafood restaurant for not giving it my crab cake. Fecking lame birds.
(sorry for length and rewriting it)
( trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:03, Reply)

Warrior squirrels
A couple of years ago, driving out of my road on the way to work.

A grey squirrel calmly walks into the middle of the road. Stops. Stands up on its hind legs and just stares at me in a kind of "Try and get past me, bitch!" kind of way.

Who was going to win the stand-off?... my Audi or the squirrel? Well the answer should have been obvious... were it not for the intervention of my then girlfriend who was sat in the car with me at the time.

2 minutes! We sat in the car, like a pair of twunts waiting for Mr. Grey Squirrel to let us pass.
(IcePimp, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:01, Reply)

Of tooth and claw, and dilating sphincter
I have been physically attacked, in my time, by dog, cat, ferret, bee, seagull, goat, swan, monkey, bird of paradise, horse, donkey, chameleon, deer and giraffe.

About two months ago I was on honeymoon in Mexico, went snorkelling off the carribean coast, and came face to face with a bloody great shark. However, rather than add to the above list and make it something really worth shouting about, I elected instead to scramble out of the water on to the nearest rocks screaming like a girl, and to thoroughly fill my swimming trunks with shit.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:58, Reply)

Bulls & Squirrels
I was at someones house in Wales (Well I do live in the country)and it was one of those houses in the middle of no-where and surrounded by hills. So when asked if anyone would want to climb the big hill behind their house, I was the only one that volunteered, so I was the only one who went up. And this was a big hill btw, and an obstacle course of fences and stingys...
Once Id found the top it was time to go back down the hill and find the house. Easier said than done as this little house has now dissapeared and all i can do is carry on downhill and see where it takes me...over a fence into a bulls field. Of course, i hadnt seen the bull before i hopped the fence, and unlike the sheep id met previously this one wasnt running away. He looked at me for a second, then started moving over. Fast. Not one to stick around I ran...

As for squirrels, theres nothing quite like 4-5 uber tame squirrels spirraling up your legs and running all over you trying to bite your nuts...or any other food youve got handy for them....
I refuse to finish this with a crappy done to death joke about length and girth either.
(Pigmash, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:58, Reply)

All kangaroos are eevvviilll
My stepdad found that fluffy cute kangaroos are evil twunts.

We were visiting a wildlife park in Australia when it suddently leant backwards on it's tail and attacked him. (They rock back on their tails and try to disembowel you with their clown feet).

Being a big burly bloke, and not wanting to look girly in front of the kids, he punched it in the face.

We legged it straight to the car park before the shocked onlookers could report us to the park attendants. All he wanted was his picture taken with it, f*ckers.
(keleamades, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:57, Reply)

poodle
...and my sister got chased across Pyford Common by a poodle.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:56, Reply)

More catness
If you've never been attacked by an animal here's a top tip, just stare at your/borrowed (delete as appropriate) cat full in the face from a distance of about 15cm without blinking*, after a few seconds you should be suitably attacked.





*It may be best to wear some kind of goggles when trying this for the first time.
(cherry B, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:53, Reply)

Gibraltar
I was attacked by a pair of apes in Gibraltar, they had just finished humping when I tried to feed one of them a piece of carrot. They saw this as an invitation to try and chew my arms off. To make it worse my brother just ran off and hid!
( Mork of Ork AKA Mike Oxarrd, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:52, Reply)

I was attacked by
geese. Fucking evil bastards. It's the noise they make.
(NPC, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:50, Reply)

wombat
I once chased a wombat that had stolen my chips.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:47, Reply)

St. James's Park
It would seem all beaked and feathered creatures have it in for me, I can tell by the evil looks they give with their beady, black eyes. I was once chased by a large number of Geese (the most evil of feathered devils) through St. James's Park in the days of yore, I believe they wanted my ice-cream, but seemed more than happy to give or take a couple of my fingers. In hindsight, I should forgive the downy fellows for their wrong doings, but alas, I am only human and will therefore see Geese as cunts forever.
( Fictional Emma, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:47, Reply)

hmmmm
My Mother in Law, I say no more.
(loopadoop loves toilets, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:44, Reply)

I had just washed my hair
and sat down on the floor in front of the armchair because my cat was sitting in it and I didn't want to disturb her.
She's normally the friendliest cat and would never attack you, but on this occasion she went crazy (maybe my shampoo smelled odd to her) and she started trying to eat my hair.
Never attacked anyone before or since.
Weird cat.
(moik, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:42, Reply)

Half digested grass is NOT a pleasant fragrance
Especially not all over your face.

My darling Mummyfleeg and myself went to the top of the hill to see the llamas in the farm.
Merrily stood feeding one grass when

**WAAA-CHOO**

Faces plastered in something that looked not unlike a huge amount of jism, and smelling not unlike something dead in a dumpster.

We didn't have any tissues either so we had to drive back home stinking of llama barf =(
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:36, Reply)

My first hamster (heck ive only had 2) when I was about 8
Instead of an easter egg, mum said we could get hamsters from the local pet shop in the welsh town my nan lives in. My sister chose hers cause a) it was a different colour to the rest (cream with white feet) and b) cause she dropped it. I chose mine (a normal looking one) cause after the shop keeper was going to put it back and see if i liked another it bit him, the shopkeeppers son, my mum then finally my sister. Sis called hers Spatz (white feet) and I called mine Snapper (domo didnt exist then)
Didnt bite me once, not that he had much time to. He made a hole in his cage about a month or too having him so he had to stay in the same cage as his brother for a couple of weeks. Sisters attacked mine, went a little green and died.

Got a replacement a few weeks later that was rabid, called cocoa. She was a slut. Had 7 babies (one died) that were all given to the pet shop. Sister let ol Spatz hump her again 3 years later, went a little green and died.

Spatz who escaped 4 times, got thrown against a wall after my sister played a trick onfamily friend who was teriffied of rodents, fell down stair in hamster ball, ate cadburys caramel and got scary ulsa on eye my mum and eye cleaned every hour for 2 weeks while sis was on exchange trip, lived for over 5 years. GIT
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 13:30, Reply)