Several drunken bashes, a 155 mile walk of shame, and getting knocked up by a midget.
I've been a QOTW regular for over four years now. I remember the good old days when all this was textfields and no replies. Everything I've posted about on here has been true with the exception of a story about my prize fighting whelk, Rocky.

But I digress... Back in 2009 I went to a B3ta stagbash - Devil_In_Tights was getting married and we decided to get absolutely pissed in his honour. It was a hot day, I hadn't eaten very much, and I arrived in that there London with the intention of having a glass or two of wine and a late train back to Bristol. Instead, I woke up in Hertford with fellow B3tan Captain V, a.k.a. Catface, on a sofabed in his parents' dining room. At least I knew his username. I had no idea where Hertford was but a quick text to some other B3tans and I established I had a 155 mile Walk of Shame ahead of me in a broken pair of shoes. Turns out I quite liked the young man, which was lucky as he knocked me up a short time later. The conversations with friends and family were convoluted, to say the least:

"Yes, I'm pregnant. Well, we've been together for a couple of months... Um, he's bipolar too. Yeah, met him at a party. Well, I knew him from the Internet. No, not from a mental health website. Well, sort of. From B3ta. Er, like a creative writing site. No mum, you can't have the link to it. Of course he's lovely. He's a bit shorter than me, yeah but what's three or four inches, eh? Fnarr. oh, and he's a bit younger than me. Okay, he's 12 years younger than me."

Thanks to B3ta I found the bloke I want to grow old with (although I have a head start) and we have one of those noisy children things. Our daughter was born in July 2010. We married in December 2010 with a bunch of b3tans at the wedding, who we rickrolled in place of a reading. Catfaceceilidhbaby is a technohappy one year old who makes every day a joy. In true QOTW fashion she likes breasts.

Thank you, B3ta. And thank you, b3tans.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 12:42, 6 replies)

Introducing Monday

A link from The Register led to me finding b3ta. Price Waterhouse Cooper were rebranding themselves as Monday and setup introducingmonday.com. But the silly bastards forgot to register introducingmonday.co.uk so rob did and put a ridiculous silly song on there with an animation of him sticking the Vs up to PWC. That was it - I was hooked and b3ta became part of my regular workday - but I didn't actually join until QOTW got going.

So how has b3ta affected my life? Well, profoundly. First, QOTW got me into writing. First for QOTW where, to my astonishment, I found out that a lot of people enjoyed the tales of my misspent life. Then for my blog. Without b3ta I doubt that I'd ever have written down those stories and anecdotes. Now my tales have spread far and wide even appearing in Zoo once.

B3ta is also responsible for me leaving the UK and coming to work in Australia. I met the lovely Mrs Legless through b3ta and that's why I headed off to convict land.

B3ta's also responsible, indirectly, for me changing my job. I used to be an IT contractor - a network and server geek. But, through b3ta I met Cr3 as I paid him to code a website for me (lovely bloke even if he did think I might have been some sort of paedophile rapist after his arse. At our first meeting, he brought his brother along for protection in case it was a setup and I was going to drag him in the bushes). Anyways, maintaining the code after Cr3 finished it led me into learning PHP, MySQl and JS which, in turn, led me by a series of farcical coincidences, into starting my own business and writing software for the healthcare industry here in Oz.

It's also responsible for introducing me to Pizzforcat who now works for me. Together we've made a real difference to clinical care of patients here in Melbourne. And he's become a good mate.

But the thing I'm most grateful for is for B3ta introducing me to Mrs Legless.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 14 Sep 2011, 1:09, 14 replies)

A B3ta poem wot I wrote for it's birthday and wotnot...

Before this website came along my life was dull as shite
Spent half the day sat on the bog and fwapped for half the night,
How could I put my own two favourite pastimes to good use?
And give the helpless t’interwebz some regular abuse?

Then I stumbled upon B3ta, and I saw there was a way!
A ridiculous ray of hope to guide me through my working day
The image challenge made me laugh so hard I couldn’t stop
I wanted to join in but I am crap with Photoshop :(

I thought I couldn’t contribute, the outlook was quite bleak,
Until I clicked upon a link entitled ‘Question of the week’
I read so many stories that my life won’t be the same
So I thought I'd try and post a tale about my latest shame...

I had a toilet ‘accident’ and thought that I would share…
I crossed my fingers wondering if anyone would care?
The comments I received made me feel glad my pants were shat
And people laughed at how I was a useless, drunken twat

From those beginnings I have formed a myriad of friends
The posts keep flying in – this fucking madness never ends!
So I’m proud to be a B3tard and I’ll celebrate with beers…
Happy Birthday B3ta, here’s to the next 10 mental years!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 14 Sep 2011, 13:57, 5 replies)

for anyone who's interested, here's a timeline of important events in b3ta history
12 sep 2001 - b3ta is founded as a site primarily intended to mock the victims of 9/11. this peters out quickly because people kept on talking about amigas and posting crudely manipulated images of animals instead

25th dec 2001 - shocked by the sudden drop in users posting on his site, rob "disabled-puncher" manuel storms into the bbc news studio, taking hostages and demanding to know what is going on. negotiations take over 6 hours, during which the concept of christmas explained to him. 5 people died

67th dec 2001 - rob finally decides to buy a new calendar for the website

31st may 2002 - question of the week is discovered. historians estimate it dates back some 3500 years

2nd sep 2002 - b3ta's popularity explodes after it features heavily in an episode of friends, in which chandler, having visited the site, punches rachel so hard in the stomach she throws up

16th nov 2002 - the first b3ta bash takes place. 5 people died

31st oct 2003 - several people scream all the bones out of their bodies after the scariest image ever photoshopped is uploaded to /board. the whole internet is taken down for a week in order to remove the image from every website it was posted to

?? jan 2004 - /talk is founded, intended as a place for people with anger management issues to vent their frustrations on one another

3rd aug 2004 - a mixup in rob's emailing system causes his monster truck enthusiast newsletter to be sent to the people of b3ta instead. after realising the much greater advertsing revenue potential in a b3ta newsletter, he starts doing one of those

7th mar 2005 - a /talk bash ends in infamy after the attendees beat up and attack a disabled boy, throw him down a well and watch him drown. rob approves

21st apr 2007 - rob is killed after battling the supervillain doomsday in downtown metropolis. the world's superheroes mourn his death

22nd aug 2007 - the site's new management (who were never clearly explained or introduced) create the /links board in a fit of proactiveness. 5 people died

18th feb 2008 - a deal is struck with the devil in order to resurrect rob. however, as the devil's part of this deal, /offtopic is created

22nd jul 2008 - the great fire of b3ta is caused after everyone on /board posts an image of a naked flame at the same time. the server melted, and in the days without b3ta that followed, many heavy internet users wandered outside into the summer sun and instantly dried out into mummy-like states, except with t-shirts with internet memes on them instead of bandages

2008 - 2011 nothing happened.
( Lightguy hail satan, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 2:23, 4 replies)

I reckon we should do a QOT10yrs
ie

collate all the best QOTW (top answers) into one QOTW. Then give the readers to vote which was the best story of the past 10 yrs.

winner gets a prize.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 14 Sep 2011, 16:44, 5 replies)

I'll pea this in from last May - Everybody's Free to Shop Kittens by Spaz Lurpak
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2011

Shop kittens

If I could offer you only one tip for teh B3ta, kittens would be it.

The long term funnez of kittens have been proved on Lolcats whereas the rest of my advice is no more relevant than random article on Wikipedia. I will dispense my bollocks.

Enjoy the lulz and skillz of your posts; oh nevermind; you will not understand the lulz and skillz of your posts until they have bumped.
But trust me, in 6 months you'll look back at your posts and recall what the spluttering fuck you were thinking trying to shop Boris Johnson in the bath wearing horseshit for a wig.

You are not as shit as you imagine.

Don't worry about the replies; or worry, but know clicking replies is as effective as trying to mask fur using a laptop touchpad.
The real errors in your pics are apt to be things that seemed far funnier in your head;
the kind that inspire you at 2pm on some idle Wednesday.

Do one thing everyday full of seams.

Memes

Don't be threadjacking a talented artist, don't put up with people who post your idea first.

TOAP

Don't waste your time on the detail;
sometimes it's easy, sometimes it frustrates.
The week is short, and in the end, it'll be too late to post.

Remember the clicks you receive, forget the flames; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old artwork, delete all your old source pics.

Khaaaaaaan!

Don't feel bad if you don't know how to approach this week's challenge.
Some artistic people I know couldn't think of anything by Saturday teatime at least.
Some of the most talented people don't post by Tuesday

Shop lots of freebase pics.

Be kind to the mods, you'll miss your account if closed.

Maybe you'll win, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll make frontpage, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll skip this challenge, maybe you'll get the top spot with an anim of Tom Cruise on a magic carpet.
What ever you do, don't click your own posts either;
your skills are half decent, so are everybody else's.
Enjoy the B3ta, read it every day if you can, don't be afraid of the boards, or what other people post on it;
it's the greatest website you'll ever read.

Draw, even if you have nothing to do it with but MS Paint, for example.

Read the FAQ, even if you don't agree with it.

Do NOT read HappyToast's profile, it will only make you feel worthless!

Get to know the memes, you never know when you'll want a quick and dirty

Always read the newsletter;
they have the best links to Youtube and the archive will provide amusement for when you're bored in the office.

Understand that B3tards come and go, but for the precious few you'll appreciate.
Work hard to hide the seams in your piccies and anims because the more you feather, the less chance that any outlines will make someone's head look like it's glowing.

Post on /board once, but leave before you get cosy; post on /talk once, but leave before it makes you bitter.

Teh Quo.

Accept certain optimisation problems;
bit-rates are low, artefacts will be visible, you too will lose detail;
and when you do you'll fantasize that if you were charge the limit would be higher, animations would last ages and /board would support quicktime and mpegs.

But not Realplayer.

Don't expect anyone at all to reply.
Maybe you have a few fans, maybe you have plenty of friends, but you never know when they might find someone far better.

Don't post stuff that's work unfriendly, or by the time you refresh, you will be naughty stepped.

Be careful which comments you give, but, please try to ration the woos and yays.
Pea roasts should only be in the reply;
just because it is a way of digging out stuff from your archive, adding big eyes, sticking text in the corner and claiming it's something new and fabulous.

But trust me on the kittens
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 14 Sep 2011, 0:47, 8 replies)

Happy decade of wrongness celebration thingy
I stumbled on this place some six years ago and I spent many an otherwise dreary lunchbreak reading all of your poo stories and wanking disasters. After lurking for a while I signed up and started submitting my own awful QOTW stories.

It wasn't long before b3ta got me into trouble, my then boss found and printed a post I'd submitted two minutes before the official start of my lunchtime and waved the evidence under my nose during an appraisal. The matter was never pursued further, which is fortunate considering that I subsequently discovered that the boss in question had been posting here during working hours too!

Since then I've seen my fair share of QOTW autisms posts and have been to innumerable bashes over the years. It's like being in a concentrated microcosm of like minded folk, for the most part you're even funnier, zanier and friendlier in person than in print. Of course, there are the occasional walking autisms and internet bullies too, much like IRL although it is somewhat of a surprise to discover that the most notorious of the latter is actually a disarmingly nice and quietly spoken chap who looks like The Laughing Cavalier.

I can't even begin to make a list of everyone on here to whom I owe a debt of gratitude, for it'll take all day and I have to pay an entire Opera company today so I'll keep it brief.

Pooflake - thank you for all of pathos, the metaphors and the non-stop belly laughs. Your posts were the high point of many a QOTW.

Big Girl's Blouse - a hearty thank you for being unwaveringly lovely over the years and for inviting a bunch of weirdos off teh internet into your home. And then inviting us all back again.

DG & Tourettes - As above, but with more swearing, boob obsessed chimpanzees, sharp suits and Daleks.

Rob - for making it all happen.

And lastly, I'd like to thank the lovely chickenlady for her love, her wisdom and tireless support and for putting out up with me for the last four years.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 13 Sep 2011, 13:53, Reply)

Fuck
Eight years since I joined as well. Have a commemorative plate in recognition.

( Smallbrainfield, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 12:49, 1 reply)

rob's 10th anniversary lap of honour


( Clay hopes this bit is long enough to promote my websi, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 21:51, 4 replies)

4 years, 2 months and 3 days…

Buggeration, time passes quickly! Wrapping up what B3ta has done for me without making it sound like a sycophantic awards ceremony is going to be difficult…but hey, in the name of my grizzled grot-socket (which after last night’s lovely takeaway is now as fiery as a dragon’s nostril) I’m going to give it a bash!

First of all, I’m sorry my posts are so ma-hoo-sive. I just can’t stop myself. I apologise for that. I have been on the arse end of so many ‘TL:DR’s that I was thinking of having a tattoo done. On my forehead.

I realise that I am an overly convoluted, simile-riddled and alliteration dropping 3 trick pony (if I’m lucky). Yet some people have been kind enough to say they like what I write - and that feels cocking brilliant. Not only have I not yet made AB’s blessed 'fail archive', I have actually once received praise from the archivist himself (he probably won’t thank me for reminding him of that). I have been lucky enough to have my rubbish rambles copied and pasted on other websites…I’ve even been published (including on a certain gay-magazine that I was ‘informed’ about, not being a regular subscriber and all that). I believe that one of my posts has even been turned into an animated mini-movie thing. I have been very lucky.

Before I continue, I cannot recommend going to bashes enough. It’s one thing having an idea about how great these people are, but when you meet them, those feelings generally increase tenfold at least. These guys fucking rule – you should meet as many as possible.

Now…before the 'credits' - I thought long and hard about naming names, but I won’t. I don’t think I have to, you know who you are.


After discovering B3ta I quickly began to read posts by a man I consider to be a ‘living legend’ who after just a couple of my initial meagre efforts, went out of his way (by reply) to welcome me to B3ta and say that he thought I had a talent... (before saying he was going to send some militia men to come round and kill me). Without his endorsement. I wouldn’t have carried on. It meant a metric fuckload to me in the early days; I have never forgotten it and now (for what it’s worth), when I see a noob on QotW whom I consider funny or talented, I will send them a gaz to welcome them.

Then there’s the lady…in my opinion, the ‘First Lady of B3ta’, who inbetween writing some crotch-grabbingly saucy and funny-as-fuck posts, gave me free legal advice which directly saved my family and I thousands of pounds when the council tried shafting us…The council are cunts…she is wonderful.

I remember the ‘twisted literary genius’ who offered advice and coaching on my writing ‘style’. (How he must tear what’s left of his hair out at every post I spew onto these pages)

There’s the man that gave me shedloads of advice regarding earning a few extra pounds from home when I quit the band…

The man who sent me demos of his music…and humours me by saying he values my opinion.

The man who picked me up and took me for a mad razz up and down the A46 in his Aston Martin.

The people whose IT savvy have saved my sorry arse countless times- and allowed me to post another day…with a special mention to the man that has developed the proxy that allows me to post from work.

There’re countless people that take the time to reply to posts. The ones who are kind enough to say they miss me when I disappear from B3ta for months due to my job, and the ones who welcome me back when I return with a fresh pile of bollocks to dump over these sainted pages. The ones who sympathised when my nephew was tragically paralysed in an accident. The ones who (badly) fought back the sniggers and sympathised when I got gout…the list goes on.

There’re the few B3tans whose intelligence, social awareness and writing ability eclipses mine on a quite biblical scale yet they still take the time to let a pleb like me run amok in their playground.

There are so many more...I remember the ‘fireballs’ who come blazing in to b3ta, quickly getting followings, becoming too big for their boots and burning out early…

I remember Wanking Wednesdays…I remember everything...

But most of all… there’s a lady that has been a selfless, unending supply of friendship, support & encouragement from the day I popped my B3ta cherry. The first person to congratulate me when I did well, and the first person to tell me to 'stop being a twat' when I was…well…being a twat. The bash she threw will always stay in my memory, but not as much as the complete awesomesauce that she regularly dedicates to everyone on here. She is a national B3ta treasure who deserves nought but our unconditional love and respect. Her class and grace is priceless. I salute her.


Along the way I have offended some people – but not too many. People can usually tell when I’m full of shit (i.e. most of the time). And I thank the people who gaz me their objections to my posts and allow me to explain myself. Every single time the dispute can be resolved amicably, and there grows mutual respect.



This site is chock full of people that share their thoughts, fantasies, shit jokes and personal tragedies with us all. I laugh, cry, applaud and spit god-knows-what all over my monitor regularly because of you. B3ta is like a family. You get out of it what you put into it.

There is no monetary value that can be placed on having a community like this…on being able to share your feelings, knowing that you can rely on an honest answer. We all have it here in abundance…and all you have to do is ask. Let's not take it for granted.

Every single person mentioned here has made a difference in my life. Yet not one of them had to. The internet is faceless. They could have kept their opinions, knowledge and advice to themselves, and we would never have known they existed. Yet they choose to make that effort as an act of kindness to a stranger, and sometimes their only motivation has been because they liked the stuff we write here.

Cherish what you have here, people. B3ta is classless, ageless, raceless…and free…in every sense of the word.

Whilst we continue to have our highs, lows, heartaches and health problems etc. (btw if somebody with B negative blood has a spare kidney, let me know) B3ta will prevail. So many of the posts we read are humbling in the fact that they have actually helped people to live better lives…

And why do we do this?


Because B3ta…B3ta is what we live for.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 12 Sep 2011, 17:50, 15 replies)

I remember it so well
I'm only really a b3ta newbie, having a lifespan of but four-and-a-half years, but at that time it was blessed relief from living with an awkward girlfriend and her bloody fish tank.

Suzie was a crazy lady, no doubt; she was a professional singer, but given to the most frightening trips of rage. I used to get screamed at on a weekly basis. Best I could do was take it with a blank face and retreat upstairs, leaving her to her fish.

This wasn't any old little goldfish tank, oh no. It was a 'freshwater aquarium', basically a huge trough that took up virtually one side of the lounge. The breadth of a river, it required hours of daily work to keep it spick and span, and had veritable shoals of freshwater fish swimming about in it. The whole contraption was bloody impressive, but also bloody expensive: you needed monitors for salinity, temperature, pH and dissolved oxygen. They were all linked to a laptop with graphs and everything being constantly updated. I had no idea that fish could be digitised.

And when one died? That was the worst. Not only did we have to have a small memorial service in the garden, but we had to sterilise the whole tank in case any diseases had been passed into the water. We lost a Golden Tench one Friday and it cost us nearly the entire weekend, what with the burial, sterilisation and having to go out and buy a replacement.

A very odd business, shopping for fish. We went around to what looked like a normal semi-detached house where the door was opened by this enormous Jamaican bloke with dreads down to his elbows. He looked like the weightlifting version of Cool Runnings (Cool Liftings? I don't know...). We were led into the back garden, which had no grass, no patio, just rows upon rows of giant artificial ponds. After Suzie had selected her fish, it was loaded carefully into a Poly tank (no 'bags from the fairground here'), and we dropped the new tench in carefully in to meet its fellows.

Two days later, there were lots and lots of little black blobs all around the bottom of the Freshwater Aquarium. It seemed that the new fish was really itching to meet all her boy chums and had laid a job-lot of eggs for them. Now, I didn't know this but apparently female fish are supposed to be sold sterile unless otherwise requested. Suzie went nuts. Phone calls to the suddenly-elusive Jamaican gent went unanswered, and she eventually spent a small fortune cleaning out the tank AGAIN, and making sure that she wasn't going to be subject to lots and lots of baby fish that she had no room for. The words 'small fortune' barely encompass the amount that needed to be spent, and she ended up borrowing money off me. Money that she never paid back.

I never found out if she was successful in preventing her fish breeding because I left her. No longer could I bear living with a Harpy Tench Birth Debitor




What?! This IS a QOTW thread, right? At least I didn't do an I Love Horses one!
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 22:55, 3 replies)

i just remembered this
posssibly my finest moment
mictoboy.co.uk/thing/b3ta.com%20board.html
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 22:47, 3 replies)

I'd been aware of the site for a while
as Legless used to send me the odd link. Then I thought I'd sign up as a means of keeping in touch with him after he buggered off to Upside Down land, mainly because he's shit at answering his emails.

Unfortunately, the time of my joining seemed to coincide with a glut of QOTW themes that I seemed to be able to have a story for, so the next 18 months or so were spent in a frenzy of typing and recalling more anecdotes. 'Coffee Arse' remains, I think, one of my favourites, mainly for the 'bloik factor'. I've also nearly ruptured something more times than I care to remember reading other members contributions, usually in the office. Thanks guys.

I attended my first bash in London whilst on a business trip, and haven't looked back. I've met some glorious people that I'm now glad to call friends IRL, and me and the missus even coordinated our wedding so that we could spend our honeymoon weekend at the great Edinbash of 2009. I don't think I stopped grinning inanely all weekend, both at the being newly hitched, and the riotous company. It was a wrench to leave the place.

Fond memories.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Sep 2011, 13:46, 3 replies)

Coming up for four years... This may also be as long as it will take to read the below post. Which is shit. I wouldn't bother if I were you
Although I lurked for a while beforehand. Was directed here by the IT guy at my old place of work (The Glum Reaper if anyone cares) and spent my working hours trawling through the old QOTWs and then one day stumbled across a weird and wonderful place called Off Topic.

This was back in the days before Bert was ousted as an incestuous paedophile had an epic bertdown and tried to reinvent himself on a daily basis, so new members were welcomed rather than subjected to howls of FUCK OFF BERT.

OT wasn't the deserted wasteland it is now, only populated by moaning old men who shun anything after the 1970's, it was filled with a smörgåsbord of seriously disturbed people who made Bernard Manning look like a slightly fatter Mary Whitehouse.

The working hours were whittled away by talking about cake and other rubbish and I was made aware of the Calendar. A place where you could actually go and meet these people. Of your own free will. And apparently not get placed on any kind of list for doing so. So I drove to Manchester for a Halloween bash which had people from across the boards. The possible highlight was Enzyme misspelling his name. Although him and Boss Keloid dancing like drunken bears possibly comes a close second. I then stayed with Warmfuzzyfeeling (who was as lovely as her name sounds) and then the next day drove to Leeds to watch the last race of the F1 season with Boss Keloid and ate cake and revelled in the moment Massa's team realised he hadn't won and went from happy to sad in a brilliant ohnosecond.

From then on I was addicted and frequented more bashes, mostly in London where other awesome B3tans gave me a place to stay. Then I got so addicted I moved to London and lived with some B3tans (OH HAI GONZ!) so I could go to move bashes.

I've seen Sexface get shunned at the bash which lead to Catface and CHCB hook up and have a baby and get married (I've also seen the baby and was at the wedding but luckily they were able to control themselves enough that I didn't have to watch them hooking up).

I've seen Kaol go from a stabby mantroll to managing somehow to catch a delightful welsh mongwrangler (Hi Mel!) and almost manage to turn into a useful member of society.

I've spent awesome Sundays watching the F1 and eating far too much bacon (a kilogram of bacon, fresh from Borough market) with lovely Clendrix and the he-must-be-alive-he's-blinking Wooks.

I've taken ridiculous road trips with Labs all over the country whilst listening to insane music and having a mohawked, tattooed, face pierced man scowling and pointing at middle lane drivers. Or on occasion seeing how many times we could loop them before they pulled over (they never pull over the fuckers).

I've had Al insult the size of my vagina whilst stuffing himself full of ribs, and failed to stop laughing as he bursts into his crazy booming chuckle.

I've travelled around the country nosing at people's houses (yours was lovely BGB) and getting drunk and ridiculous and laughing so much I thought my jaw was going to fall off. Mainly after insulting Catface.

I've seen Pooflake and Captain Placid play a gig and had Pooflake serenade me (you still have my number right? Call me anytime!)

So B3ta brought me a wonderful group of friends, allowed me to move to London and has given me more stupid ridiculous memories and memes that is good for anyone.

So yeah not funny and mostly just rambling shit. But strangely B3ta has probably been the biggest influencing factor of my adult life!

I know there are loads of you who I haven't mentioned by name (Lusty did I mention you? You know I love you) but you're all fantastic.

fuck sorry ma and pa. *slurps* You both fucking rock
Apart from Bert.

Fuck off Bert.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 12:35, 6 replies)

Where to begin?
8 years, 0 months and 26 days today apparently... to put it another way, that predates my marriage - rendering my (now ex-)wife's claims of "You've changed since you got involved with b3ta" all the more ridiculous.

I can't remember how I found the site, but one of my first memories was of a picture on the front page of Snoop Dogg's remake of The Passion of the Christ, entitled "The Pizzle of the Chrizzle". My friend porky and I laughed ourselves silly at that one :)

The QotW has had me biting my knuckles at my desk in barely suppressed mirth more times than I can remember; my all-time favourite story being the one about the little boy with his pants full of marbles jumping down the stairs and looking like he'd been attacked by a shitload of angry ducks :D

I've made some of the best friends I've ever had on this site, some of them (gasp!) in real life, too. People I wouldn't hesitate in ringing if I was in trouble, and who I know wouldn't turn me away. Hopefully all those people think the same about me, too.

And of course, Jessie. Again, where to begin? Jess changed me immeasurably, as I've told and retold in QotW. If you want an example of this place standing up and being counted, look at this thread - be warned though, it's hard going. Even now, over a year later, with a new fiancée, I can't get anywhere near the bottom of this with a dry eye.

The support I got from you lot was utterly fantastic; the messages, the tribute pictures, the comments, every single one of them helped, even if it was only in a tiny way. The donations for the Jessie icons far surpassed anything we expected, Nina's mum was astounded at that. Thank you all so much :)

I don't get on here as much these days; my w*rk internet is pretty much locked down so I can only sneak on occasionally; I tend to hang around in QotW more than anywhere else. That said, I still managed to get my first ever fp last weekend!

*raises glass*

So, as has already been said - here's to another 10 years!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 14 Sep 2011, 12:55, Reply)

Mere snippets from a decade of woo.
I was lucky enough to arrive early on with B3ta, the Kill Your Friends game's amazing theme song got me to visit the site and you could post without an account so I did that at first. I thought at the time getting id 498 might mean in 10 years time I'd feel honoured to be one of the first 500.

Some of my very early favourites were Giant Bee, Electric Dreams with Hawking and the Cursor Love Bunny... we could be here another 10 years if I go through all of them.

It was all amazing, the speed at which things were made, the love put into them, just for the sake of a quick joke or to get some crazy idea out of your head.

I was always confident that b3ta was going to explode in popularity because it was so full of incredible things.

I made this predicted growth chart in June 2002

This is the updated version with the actual results superimposed, the Introducing Monday site was the kink in July 2002.

Bandwidth was a strain back then many times we'd get a red x once a pic's hosting had exceeded it's limit but being on blueyonder I was fortunate to have unlimited bandwidth. I thought I could test out just how unlimited when Joel asked if I could host a couple of flash files for his animations Outtathaway by the Vines and a Blode Episode. They're just a few hundred k, no big deal. Wow! is all I can say. So many gigs worth of hits came in month after month I kept waiting for the phonecall and a huge bill but thankfully they never came :) (Still hosting them to this day)

Another early favourite was Joel's trip around London with a crab mask from Newsletter 20. I ended up bumping into him a few months later and recognising him from this so he was the first b3tan I met (if you don't count the ones I found out later I'd gone to school with). The bashes began in earnest in 2002 and so many great bonds were formed and chaos was released from the furtive minds.

I should save all this for a book one day ;) The m3tatweening (Phase 1) www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1yeD17rVQE was one of the best things I remember from a collaboration point of view (the b3ta fish screensaver that appeared from nowhere one afternoon from scratch was another - if anyone has the swf of that let me know www2.b3ta.com/screensaver/ )

The first one was just meant to be a long animated gif, but I got so many people wanting to take part I realised I would have to make it a video, then more b3tans added a soundtrack to it. If you#ve never heard of m3tatweening it's a b3tan stream of consciousness animation where each one of 20ish animators only get a start and end frame. They can get from one to the other any way they want, then all of it will join together using those key frames.

EDIT: M3tatweening Phase 2 now online again for the fist time in 5 or 6 years - vimeo.com/28960828

By the time it got to Phase 3 & 4 vimeo.com/7464540 - (Full HQ version) people were using full on video, particle effects, ms paint, imageready, anything you could imagine and yet it all still flowed together, it's a hefty 24 mins and full of great woo! All from such a simple idea.

Domo Darko (removed from Youtube now) was made the day millions marched around the world to protest against the upcoming Iraq War. It is probably the best received thing I made on b3ta but it only exists because b3ta does. The same goes for so many wonderful things we have seen over the years.

Part of why the Domo Darko song was so great to me was that I first saw the film Donnie Darko at the Curzon in London with some b3tans; Misteralfie, Bob the Dinosaur and maybe a couple more, the night before the 1st B3tan halloween bash in 2002. The film's timeline leads up in date to halloween so it all seemed so right.

B3ta also once led me to ask the Liverpool St. Station announcer to put a call out for 'Kaiser Bulbmeister' who had gone missing on the way to a bash. The poor guy really didn't seem keen on the Kaiser part but was more than happy to ask for a Mr. Bulbmeister.

Anyway, I must stop all this reminiscing now.


My Regius Professor of Chronology comes from Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently's Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul btw, early on I had actually managed to keep up with reading every single post on b3ta (and posting as much as 5% of them myself).

Timespaz back to any archive pages from 2002/2003 and pretend you're a lurker. Even if some of the images are missing the banter and laughs are still there. I can't pick out a few, if you knew me back then I thank you for making b3ta such a special place. Treasured memories are treasured.

Edit: For the record 9 years, 9 months, 9 days. (8 but I couldn't wait until after midnight to post this and 9 looks better)
( Professor Fnord Regius Professor of B3ta Chronology, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 19:13, 9 replies)

Apparently I am 7 years and 9 months old.
My brother introduced me to b3ta and the first person I met was Kaol. We'd arranged to meet at Russell Square tube station for lunch. 'I'll be wearing a Radiohead t-shirt,' he said.

I stood there for 15 minutes, wondering if he was going to stand me up. But then, dear god, a shambles of a man lumbered out of the tube station. He was short and round and wearing the t-shirt described above; he had an angry-virgin expression on his face and I doubted he had ever actually engaged in much IRL conversation.

'Shit,' I thought. 'Hello Internet.' I stood in dread as he monged across the road...and straight past me! 'Hurrah!' I thought. 'Saved!'

My joy was brief - the 'real' Kaol turned up shortly afterwards.
( thealternativefact, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 15:21, 4 replies)

Happy birthday b3ta
You are the best thing I ever did. Cop a load of this, and bask in your magnificence.

dotmund.blogspot.com/2011/09/on-b3ta.html
( dotmund .co.uk, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Welcome to The Dutch Inventor Mediocre's house of b3ta oddities
Like most people, I lurked for a good year before signing up.
I was a bit uncertain about my english at first (ever since, several people have told me I was a bit 'odd', certainly at the beginning), which made me hesitant to post anything myself.

Most of the time, b3ta is like having a laugh with a couple of good friends to me. Sometimes, real friendships develop.
What I really enjoy is the unpredictability of a bandwagon coming out of nowhere and picking up speed, leaving even its creators puzzled as to why it's so hilarious. The ones that nobody really understands are the best.
Phrases like "Neck sounds great", "Maybe your legs has just grow", "Frog fucks granny", "Low fucking poly", "Kasto Krut", "So wow that's a neato what now right", "RIS? I don't get it" I consider text bandwagons.
Also unpredictable and sometimes funny: massive flounces (TOO BROWN).

I would like to take this opportunity to list some of my favourite fucking threads (that I've bookmarked anyway):
IT'S FUCKING POTATO TIEM!
Tin foil hats
Magnet movies
horse is a alien (Beware!)
E.T., You're So Big !
Romero the Champ
They are all a bit magical while they last. But when you look at them later on, you only have the memory of having a long and good laugh over it.

some The Dutch Inventor Mediocre at work


Also, I would like to name several b3tans not posting on /board anymore, for various reasons. I miss their shennanigans. Names that spring to mind (and I'm sure I'm forgetting some):
Jessie, That Nikon Fella, olivier8, Duke of Prunes, M3, Captain Wow, GrandmaOfShoes, Reckless_Rik, postbear, king brown cow, Redsushi (Whoop! Whoop!).
4EVa in R hertz.

Oh, and I got the 7,000,000th post too.
( mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 22:02, 4 replies)

six years one month 25 days its all Mr Horrible s fault
Mr Horrible my mate of many years moved in a couple of doors down from me bringing with him his new fangled wireless internets, he then gave me an airel and and a card to stick in my wheezing old pc so i could look at the aforementioned internets.
He said have you seen this, and typed in b3ta, the rest is history, i was hooked from the first day.
Once i had the secret of the upload codez there was no stopping me, i think i still had my l plates when i got my first fp.

i have made many good friends through b3ta, and hope to make many more, my only regret is that i don't seem to have to have the time to make stuff for it any more.

long live b3ta, and all you lovely people who post on here.

oh and one more thing, lets have a few more bashes please, big loud lairy drunken ones.
( amoebaboy chose for death by unga bunga on, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 20:39, 2 replies)

Nearly five years on B3ta.
Where did the years go?

I was once pure and unsullied, (honest). But years of Tub girl, goatse and various other internet horrors you are pointed towards have worn away my suger coated exterior of innocence and left a hard, bitter and raw shell of a woman. Seen it all, done some of it and still left wanting. My eyes have been opened to things mere mortals cannot imagine and I am ruined. I have laughed till my eyes bled at the horror of life and the human condition and I have cried at the injustice of /talk.

One day when I am too old and incapable to use a computer I will leave this place and leave behind the catalyst that made me the monster that I have become.

I will have no regrets, only a strange aftertaste.
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 12:54, Reply)

spimf™
Initially I stumbled across a QOTW story, lurked a bit then saw another story that prompted an anecdote and became hooked. Hooked for 6 years, 10 months and 11 days to be characteristically anal.

Apparently I've posted 395 stories and 1697 replies on question of the week. That’s quite a lot of pish to be talking, arguably best summed up by BGB: 'I like Spimf but he can be a bit of a knob'.

What has always amused me was the notion (mainly from the talk lot) the replies on QOTW were universally lies. Personally speaking, aside from my obvious (and dreadful) puns regarding al fresco sex with a Wall’s Cornetto or high-minded rewritings of Queen tracks - all of my tales are true, embellished a little, dramatised somewhat, but essentially true: The Blue Rinse Dragons were very real, the fence is still there. Mrs. Spimf's renowned lack of capacity for substances still stands, flamethrowers were indeed improvised, the McDonalds on Princes St, Edinburgh was very nearly closed by a bogus pissed-up health inspector flashing a blockbuster membership card 2am. Mischievous calls were made to car insurance companies to enquire if a flux capacitor on a Toyota MR2 counts as a ‘modification’, and of course that business in Dubai was all too real (which ironically benefited me in the end, if I hadn’t come via the sandpit I wouldn’t be in my current job which is the best I’ve ever had).

Ultimately QOTW also prompted me to write more in my work, I’m an art director but always enjoyed the copy side. (I rarely entered the image challenge, it seemed too much like my day job). My first radio ad was aired last month and as soon as I stop pissing around here, I’ll return to writing scripts for what will be my first major TV ad, I’m absolutely certain my inane drivel and weekly witterings on here helped me with that.

I don't wander by much these days; life just seems to have got busier (Spimflet and whatnot). But I’ll always have a soft spot for B3ta and stop by now and then to see what’s happening on QOTW. I don’t recognise many people here these days but, most of the old school B3tards seem to have resettled on Facebook (admittedly it's my new addiction, drives Mrs Spimf up the wall) but i cant resist a peek at B3ta and QOTW every now and then, it’s a bit like having a peek at old flames on Facebook of an evening when you’re a bit pished and everyone's tucked up in bed.

And I do wonder if my line breaks still have the power

to piss people off.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 13 Sep 2011, 10:09, 4 replies)

9 years, 1 month and 11 days
Christ, never mind having a child, that's something that makes me feel old.

I tell you what hooked me on b3ta: the community element. Someone put up a photo of George W Bush (ask your parents) leaning to one side in a cabinet meeting, having 'shopped in Emu, whispering into his ear. Within minutes, someone had taken that photo of Bin Laden with his hand aloft, cropped it, and made it look like he was wearing Sooty. I thought, "We're going to have fun here..."

The point is this: I like bag, please.
(martian, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 21:32, 2 replies)

I found the site when the creationism challenge was picked up by Butterflies and Wheels.
I followed the link, and within a few weeks had an account of my own and was posting much too often.

A little while later, I discovered that I had a fan in Rachelswipe. Blimey! QotW aristocracy liked what I did! She told me that she wasn't aristocracy. She was royalty.

I also seem to have a fan in the editor of FHM, who stole my "I killed my Grandfather" story.

In January 2008, I went to my first bash, when BGB invited me to her house. Pooflake, Captain Placid, Jessie, PKM, The Resident Loon, Chickenlady, and PJM were all there. I'd been a member for about 4 months at that point; I couldn't quite believe that this place would be so friendly so quickly. Never normally a particularly sociable person, I now go to all the bashes I can. One of the Mancbashes was responsible for the worst hangover I have ever suffered. Three years down the line, it's still not cleared entirely.

I've made The Goat cry (maybe) and Mabazaritchie angry. I've made some great friends and a couple of enemies. I'd like to think I've made some people laugh; many people have made me laugh. Some have been supportive when I've needed it in a way that noone would expect from internet strangers (for which I am immensely grateful); others have made me want to punch a kitten. A couple has managed both.

I'm genuinely proud to have met people via b3ta whose paths would never have crossed mine otherwise; and there're others that I'd love to meet. I've even introduced some people to members of my family (to mutual incomprehension).

And through all that, I've never had an FP, and I've never had a QotW answer make it into the newsletter.

I don't know why I bother.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 15:41, 7 replies)

i was looking for something better
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 11:04, Reply)

FIRST!
LOL

I still have the email/blackmail note from Rob in which he demanded money and women in exchange for my joining the B3TA QOTW team. I still owe him money and women, because "in a bath covered in quicklime" doesn't count. While it was entirely Danny Baker's fault that I started writing the funny, it was QOTW that kept me doing it, every day for ten years. And I'm still not rich.

Also: Three FPs in 9 years, 5 months and 11 days. That's low-quality hummus in action, because I can't fucking hummus

Also also: Best thing about B3TA is receiving an email from the kind of friend who won't stop sending you email jokes days - WEEKS - after news event with a funny-stroke-sick image you saw on B3TA the day it happened. That smug feeling. That "I was there" feeling. For any event - no matter how terrible - it's never too soon on B3TA, and you know it.

Also Also Also: Putting up the new QOTW and crying with laughter as you guys & gals post top, top stories. Don't care if they're real or (cough) embellished, B3TA makes me happy.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 10:28, 2 replies)

Revenge Pranks.
Quite a few years ago now I had a falling out with a very nasty, evil bitch. I couldn't be arsed to go into all out drama with her, so I decided to get back to her in a sneaky way. A way that wouldn't really hurt anyone, just be an annoyance, and make me feel better for a few hours.

Just little things. Sending pizzas to her house. Posting her phone number on FaceParty under the profile "Fat Slag" with some very unflattering pictures of her (may or may not still exsist) and comments to the effect that anyone who called would be treated to the finest vocal filth of a fat ugly slag. Worked quite well too, until she eventually changed her number and I didn't have the new one.

I was bored at a job I hated one afternoon so I Googled "Revenge Pranks" for ideas to carry on the, quite honestly, giggle-worthy dumb pranks. One of the hits on Google directed me to a QOTW archive titled Revenge Pranks or similar. I was hooked.

Lurked for a very long time. I fell pregnant, on purpose, no slags here I'm afraid, and I knew I would be leaving this godawful soul destroying job, never to return, so I spent the next 6 months reading back issues of QOTW instead of doing anything productive.

I did eventually join up, mostly so I could "like" the posts that made me giggle, and I have posted a few times, but some of you guys can be quite scary and I'm always terrified of reading any replies in case somebody decides to have a go. I'm quite a sensitive soul, and I'm really just here for the giggles, not the drama.

So here I am, daughter has just started preschool, and I still get a little flutter of excitement, as I did about 10 minutes ago, when my brain realises it's Thursday again.

So thanks for the giggles, and the shocks, and being there during the long sleepless nights with a wide awake baby, and for the many many officelols that almost got me into so much trouble. I got quite adept at turning an officelol into a cough, or a "Oh, just remembering something funny that happened last night" to cover my tracks.
Please be gentle, I'm quite scared of some of you, and I'm back to lurking again :)

EDIT: Just remembered the username was Fat Lass, but a quick search of The Google™ is coming up with nothing. It was bloody awesome too.
( user_names_suck, Thu 15 Sep 2011, 22:19, 4 replies)

About a third of the time I've ever known
I found this site completely by chance when I was 11 (back in early 2006) and doing a school project on Australian wildlife. On a Google image search for emus, I came across a picture of Rod Hull's Emu staring at a fuzzy screen, captioned 'After Rod Hull's funeral, reception was still rubbish' (or similar) from the 100% Fact challenge.
I then began browsing regularly over the next weeks, months, years, before deciding to make an account just over a month ago.

It would be fair to say that B3ta has been at least a small part of about a third of my life and has made these difficult teenage years not quite as difficult, not to mention possibly destroying some of my child-like innocence.

While I have the chance, thank you to everyone who has ever made a post that made me at least smile and to everyone who is responsible for running this place.
(MOTOR Master Of The Open Road, Thu 15 Sep 2011, 0:53, Reply)