Well...
I got barred from the hostel I was staying in, in Dublin last year. Possibly because after ample amount of Guinness and other ale (one called Brainblasta!) I decided to try and sneak a traffic cone past reception. With it on my head.

That got me a telling off!

Then me and my friend set fire to a Daily Mail for being too damn right wing (has to be done)

The final straw was me extinguishing the said fire. With my piss.

And also something about some cans being thrown at a window got the police involved!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 19:30, Reply)

yates
many years ago i found myself in yates (not proud of it i was thirsty) it was a sunday night and they had a live band on. a bit drunk i grabbed this eighty year old lady and began dancing with her until we were told that there was no license for dancing on a sunday would we please stop. still in the groove we carried on until we thrown out and asked not to come back. everyone was pissing themselves that we got barred, me a teenager her old enough to be my gran, so not very cool but funny.
(come2whereimfrom .co.uk, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 19:21, Reply)

Private Shop
My sister and I were chucked out of the local Private Shop because we were 'upsetting the regular customers'.

We were only playing with the dildos!
(Buxomwench, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 19:15, Reply)

I was denied access to O'Neill's, in the centre of Oxford
for obviously being under 25, and being neither female or attractive.

That in itself is not unusual by any means, but calling the bouncer a "fucking nonce" probably didn't help my case.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 19:14, Reply)

Nearly...
I was about to give all the gory details, then I realised it would be in my profile until kingdom come.

Let's just say I no longer drink...

Perhaps I'll create an alter ego and post it under that.
( finnbar has officially retired, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 18:53, Reply)

Nowhere
Good boy me.

Sorry.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 18:37, Reply)

Come to think of it, I remember another one..
Myself and my friends are banned from the poshest hotel in Canterbury..

It was the night we'd been given our A level certificates, and had been drinking free wine most of the evening.. getting battered in nice suits is always fun. Anyway, we went clubbing afterwards, and as it was my last night before I went back to uni..

... we decided to stay in a hotel. Cue us, drunken 18yearolds, blagging our way past security.. only to realise we couldn't actually get anywhere without keys - so we slept in the breakfast room, on the sofas. A couple of us pissed in the corners as well, since we didn't know where the loos were - CLASSY

Anyway, we also discovered the cellar below the room, which was sadly empty, but hey. We woke up at 6AM, and stealthed our way out of the hotel.. only to be accosted by the manager - who asked us our names/room numbers.. I did some splendid lying, and weaseled out of it.

We got round the corner, and we looked at each other, said 1-2-3 and then pegged it.. with the sound of the manager shouting "I've got your faces on CCTV.. you won't get away with.." following us..

WOo
(comrade^, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 18:33, Reply)

My Local barred me for a year....
...for fighting. I was dressed as Mick Jagger, my opponent was Batman, and Wurzel Gummage was sent flying in the melee. I kicked the landlords car in anger, and broke my toe.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 18:09, Reply)

Not me, but...
an australian walks into a bar.

The dyslexic barman goes, "Get out, you're Brad."

Sorry...

F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 17:58, Reply)

Hackney Learning Trust/Library.

It wasn't my fault. I was accompanying my dad (a filthy commie) on a picket line. I went in to use the toilet and was turfed out and told I'd be in deep shite if I ever entered the building again because they didn't support my line of politics. At which point I attemted to explain that it wasn't my line of politics – it went nowhere, the security bloke started ranting about the Socialist Worker being cunts. Me trying to get across that I'm not part of the Socialist Worker, and the party outside wasn't even the SWP, didn't go down well and basically what I'm saying is socialists are ruining my life everything I do is marred by them. Fucking cunts.

THANK YOU KARL MARX.
( Fictional Emma, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 17:39, Reply)

Not me, but a sheep walks into a bar,
Straight away, the barman goes, "Get out, you're baa'd."

I'll get my coat...
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 17:33, Reply)

and my grandad
got barred from the latvian club in halifax.

for stealing toilet rolls. wtf?!

classy family, i tell you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 17:19, Reply)

Not me, but an Elizabethan playwright
Shakespeare goes into a pub and the barman says 'Get out, you're Bard.'
( Pachey, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 17:11, Reply)

on new years 2004
we buggered up the arrangements so after much flitting about we ended up in a pub, so nothing terrible.

at about an hour into 2005 my friend wanders into the pub with a bottle of whisky he is slugging from, and with his cock out.

The landlord practically jumps over the bar and shouts at him to get and not come back, so all of us step in and say if he goes we do, so he chucks us all out.

We all pick up as many drinks as we can and walk out, and bevvy up until the 2 am taxi. I still have 10 or so branded glasses from the incident.

the Pub was the Swan and Two Knicks in Sharnbrook
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 17:10, Reply)

Triumph over misunderstanding
I once got barred from The Anchor in Cambridge. Apparently a bar maid heard me was vomiting into the toilet, which meant I was too drunk to remain a patron*. What I was actually doing was coughing up phlegm into the bowl as I had a stinking cold at the time. I proudly showed the barmaid my efforts, but she was resolute and threatened to enforce the action with hired goons. Luckily for me, the chaps at my table were much bigger than the hired goons, so I sat back down at the table and continued drinking. Hooray!

*This was partially true. I was completely rat-arsed.
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:59, Reply)

"The Harlequin" shopping centre, Watford
Banned for "taking photographs without the express written consent of the management". It was for a college project and they didn't recognise me when I went back anyway. But imagine the shocking headline: "College boy banned for doing college project!"
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:59, Reply)

fruity
I got barred from the amusements opposite the museum in Exeter. I discovered one of the fruit machines was paying out £1 each time I put 10p in - for no obvious reason (press button, wheels whirl, money comes out, thanks). I'd got about £20 out, but as I was the only person in there, the guy in charge got a bit suspicious of the constant sound of money falling... My claim of "I was going to come and tell you that the machine was broken..." didn't cut much ice...
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:51, Reply)

My parents house
Once I stabbed my mum in the tummy and now they wont let me back in.
(Channel9, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:45, Reply)

Chinese takeaway, Walnut Tree local centre, Milton Keynes
Banned for stealing newspapers....

Managed to pinch 1 or 2 papers every Sunday after the pub quiz for about 2 months. They were all out of date from earlier in the week.

Then 1 day we noticed our chips taking too long, in fact the people who came in afterwards got their whole meal. Angry chef came out and accused me of stealing their newspapers, so I admitted it and gave him back 1 paper from my inside pocket. We got our chips and left...

... about 100m down the road I said to my mates, well at least he didn't get these... and produced no less than 9 assorted papers and magazines from the back of my jeans, bomber jacket sleeves and inside pockets!

Went back the next week and the weird lady shreiked at me "YOU NO WELCOME HERE! GO WAY!"
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:44, Reply)

RACIAL CHIPS
I was barred from a TURKISH / ARAB / ISLAMIC CHIP SHOP / TAKEAWAY



..thats confusing eh, but they all look the same to me.

So anyway ... i thought id stand up for all people who ever used this Takeaway - you see the men who work there are ignorant, arrogant, unpleasant assholes who hate anyone who is not of their country.

This is Britain mate - we drink Tea and we say please, thankyou.. cheers mate have a good day.

So after getting a cold reception from the big ARAB behind the counter and looking behind me at the big queue of people...

I said " hey mate, how come you and all your staff are utter assholes, with no manners "

To this, him and the other 4 Turkish arab looking dudes say " YOU!... GET!! YOU OUT... WHITE SHIT!!... GET OUT OF WHITE SHIT, you dont like it, GET HELL WHITE PIG SHIT "

... i exited the store before they threw stuff at me.. but before i did, everyone in the queue .. CHEERED!!!

IM BARRED, BUT HEY... i made a little sacrafice for a FUTURE of better service( maybe) for the people.
(Julie Moult Life was bad, but now its good... FOREVER!, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:37, Reply)

"Happy Wednesdays" @ Winter Gardens, Milton Keynes
I was kindly escorted from the club on my birthday for the 7" spliff smoking away between my lips.

Funny thing is, they didn't stop me while smoking the first 2, or the ones I had the week before....

They confiscated the "evidence" and sent me on my way.... But being the Indie era my "look" changed month by month and I was back in a month later having ditched the combats and music t-shirt phase... (which I'm back into).
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:34, Reply)

Wanky bouncer at Metros on Tottenham Court Road...
Me and friend (both pretty pished) head to Metros at about 3am for a one last bevvy before we get the nightbus back to mine.

Ape on door: That's six quid son...

Me: Thats for both of us right? (me and me mate)

Ape on door: Very fuckin funny... Piss off yer smart cunt or I'll launch you like a rocket!

(At this, my mate J starts pissin his keks... )

J: He he he.... Like a rocket. Wheeeeze.

Me: *incredulous* Eh, I was only asking about the price, man...

Anyway long story short. He told me to fuck off and not come back. I told him that the club is shit anyway and I didn't care (he didn't hear this because I only mentioned it once safely out of ear-shot) and we went to a gaybar that was still open... great days.

I have been back to Metros since and it is shit.

Not sorry about length. At least my answer is true and I'm not here just to bleat that this QOTW is shit, like some people. I love you b3ta.com
(aroe_m0rre, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:24, Reply)

ivebeenhigh:
I was at the Nag's Head, when I made an unwise joke about Long John Silver's wooden leg.

He told me I was baarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:24, Reply)

Kebab shop next to Yate's in Watford
The Crime: Playing football with the large squeezy bottle of "ketchup", resulting in a big red mess up the window.

The payoff: Don't get the shits on the morning after anymore.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:23, Reply)

Bookstore
I usually get Bard from the bookstore.
(chase, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:13, Reply)

Some pub in Stratford on Avon
Barred on NYE about 1998. The landlady had wrapped all the pictures, 'nik naks', even the fucking fireplace (good lord) in wrapping paper to make them look like presents.
We unwrapped the lot in the space of about 3 minutes. The poor dear was crying as she chucked us out.
I was the only one of us who lived there: I tried to go back about 6 months later and she immediately ran out from behind the bar and started hitting me. No sense of hummus, some people.
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:10, Reply)

MFI in Watford
Got caught hiding in the space under the cabin beds and sliding the drawers open and shut from the back.

I actually heard one lady exclaim "It must be that Jeremy Beadle show!".

For the record it looks the same size in both hands...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:08, Reply)

Drive-by Shooting
Me and a couple of friends of mine got busted by the police and barred from a club because we kept drive-by shooting the Bouncers with a Super-Soaker full of water.
At first I think they were pissed off but after the 5th or 6th time they were really mad and throwing things at the car and running after us. We got to about the 9th go and we decided to give up.

Nah, fuck it, lets have one more!

We pulled up only to see the Bouncers acting very strangely by jumping to the floor and covering their heads with their jackets (bomber I might add). It was then we realised we were fucked and a police car pulled out of a side road and stopped us. cue a full on car search, ID inspections, breathalisers, etc (they didn't find the weed in my pocket).

They eventually laughed it off and the cop emptied the water pistol by aiming at random buildings and lamposts like an 8 year old. Apparently the club had claimed we were using bleach.

We thought we'd got away with it until the ENTIRE club's staff and bouncers came down the road to surround us and make lots of threats: "I'll remember his face Guv, no worries".
They were very big and I was only 18. The police saw us safely off and we were barred for life from a club we hated! Huzzah!!

The length is relative to the reader...
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:03, Reply)

T' Pub on T' Pond
Anyone who went to Swansea Uni will know this place.

Well. In 1992, during my first week there, we had a 'who can pinch the most pint glasses' competition.

I decided that the most obvious way to win was to spend a few minutes going table to table, collecting empties. I then walked out of the door with about 40.

Upon returning them later, the landlord decided to bar me.

Never figured that out.

Barred for returning glasses.
(ReAndyMator has been very bored since July, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 16:01, Reply)

Zippy George and Bungle (and Geoffery)
were at Destiny in Plymouth. My friend Tony didnt get in for free as his school uniform (as that was the theme that night) wasn;t good enough. His reply was to whip it out in the middle of the dance floor and piss all over the place.
Nice.
He didn't get kicked out for this however and in a club called Zanzibar the other side of town he got kicked out by the bouncers for sitting quielty in a corner. I think it was some kind of nightclub chi going on.
( SiX and his hat, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 15:56, Reply)