Over heard at work today....
MAN 1"so me bruv dug out 48ton from under the bungalow wiv a shovel,course he used a digger at the end..."
MAN 2"My uncle used to dive.one day when visiting a wreck he ran out of oxygen,saw a double door on the side of the ship and opened it..there was a lit candle there!"
MAN 1"candle underwater!FACK OFF!"
MAN 2"OK,you loose 20ton and I'll blow the candle out!"
classic.
(forkboy, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:23, Reply)

prawns!
Was walking around my town centre once with a bag of prawns (yummy). Some post totty walks past and quips 'something smells fishy'. I grinned and said 'no wonder no one wants to eat you out'. I got slapped, I ran away.

Still so proud!
( Derek.T.Wonderllama, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:20, Reply)

not mine but good
well, wasnt exactly mine but like most people on the net, I stole it

friend of mine was talking to some bird and she sparked up a fag, then he said "smoking is bad for you" and she replied "so is being cheeky" kinda shut him up for a while
(dez7003, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:20, Reply)

Particular favourite
To slow-moving object/person/OAP: "Come on, I can fuck faster than that!"

Yeah, I'm lame.
( dr goodthrust, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:17, Reply)

i was happily skating along..
and some chavs were walking towards me, being the general arseholes that they are. As i skated past the only female member decided to push one of her chavs at me and I had to swerve off the pavement and nearly got runover, at which point I stopped and shouted "Keep your fucking dog on a leash" and skated off as fast as I could.
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:15, Reply)

While at university
approached by the usual type brandishing a red-topped rag:

Crusty: "Socialist Worker?"

Me: "No, neither"

It was funny because it was true.
( TV's Nosemonkey, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:14, Reply)

From a lady friend...
On getting chatted up by a drunken letcherous tosser:

"No thanks, I've already got one cunt in my knickers and there's no room for another one"
(Daveybaby, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 14:04, Reply)

Anyway - I was on b3ta
And I posted a message that contained no picture, on a friday afternoon.

Rev. A-MOL replies with "OH FUCK OFF, FRIDAY AFTEROON!"

So I says "My name is not Friday Afternoon, fool."
(Market Man, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:57, Reply)

My washing machine was taking ages to fill up with water once...
So i shouted at at "FUCK'S SAKE! I can fill up with water quicker than that!"

That told it who was boss.
(Jamey, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:51, Reply)

My brain hates me
Quick come backs are good in some places, not in others:
I was stood in the check-in line of Los Angeles airport in Novemebr 2001 (so you can imagine paranoia was high). I'd checked my main luggage through from San Diego so only had my laptop bag. A short wide woman in a faux police uniform perporting her to be airport security walks along the line asking everyone if they had any of the prohibited items knives, guns, water pistols, areosols, nail files that sort of thing.
So she goes through the list with me. I say no to all as I had none.
A few mins later after a bunch of people had joined the queue behind me (including some brits) She starts again.
She comes up to me and asks the question:
'Do you have anything sharp'
As my reply escaped my lips i felt my world fall away from me:

'Only my wit'

I was expecting to be marched off to a small room and then off to prison no trial no £200.
She looked at me as if I was speaking a forigen language. Shook her head as if freeing something from her ear and moved on.
Things were compounded slightly by the Brit couple behind being unable to speak for laughing.
(sleipnir, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:49, Reply)

My favourite pithy comeback

Soap-dodger with a clipboard on the street:
"Have you got a minute for education/the blind/the homeless/cancer/whatever?"

Me: "Fuck Off."

It's a delightful quip and does the job every time.
(Grey Triggerfish, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:46, Reply)

Not really a comback but..
When my sister went to a late night show at holiday cap haven (they do adult shows later on, she had to swap clothes with a red coat behind a towel on stage) One of the entertainers asked her if she'd say someting bitchy to the young welsh barman cause he wasnt giving his colegues free drinks. They proberly asked her cause she has big boobs..

Anyway, walking to the bar in her low top, the barman grins and she says
"sorry im not a sheep" and walks off
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:45, Reply)

Takes one
to know one.
(Market Man, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:39, Reply)

I know you are
but what am I?
(Market Man, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:38, Reply)

Adressed to pompus people...
When some pompous twunt tries to score a point off me in an argument I usually respond with "Aaahhh. That is merely your opinion. And therefore it doesn't matter." Best tried with a little flick of the little finger in their direction.

Or the one I tried with the boss today, borrowed heavily from Alan Partridge when he was in the Travel Tavern - "hmmm, sorry, its just noise"

Or indeed, when the boss-git told me my report was a day late - "I am time travelling, you have failed to keep up". The twunt went and checked his calendar. Jesus!
( Strangey is present at, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:37, Reply)

touche part deux
another one from a film - cheech and chong's "Still Smokin" not one i've had a chance to use yet. This can be used in any situation when being given shit by a younger person:

just say "you'd better show me some more respect, I could be your dad you know"

To which hopefully they will reply

"you could be my dad?" and then start to laugh at you, in which case you can then say

"sure, i used to fuck buffalo".

One of my pesonal bests what used when being accused of being gay by some little scally on the bus. My retort was

"i'm not gay you little turd. Don't believe me? Just ask your mum, she'll tell you.
(mondo_generator420, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:37, Reply)

Slightly unintentional, but fun
After having yet another ridiculously long lie in my roommate was complaining that I slept for way too long. I went on a long rant explaining the benefits of sleep, on which he responded that sleep is just pure evil.
**AND NOW THE PUNCHLINE**
"Hah, bet you were up all night thinking of that one"...
Dear oh Dear
( PopePollo defloculating the soup of the surreal, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:33, Reply)

My mate Camp Freddy
can be a ruthless sod. I was having trouble with my German house mate who kept turning the boiler off and locking her door when she went away, leaving the rest of us cold and dirty.

I was whingeing about this and Freddy mentioned that its unlike the Germans to turn off the gas appliances...
(Kong, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:32, Reply)

Cold Caller
My ex's dad did this one once, and I had the joy of witnessing it!

Cold Caller: Hi, I'd like to talk to Mrs 'X' about life insurance?

Mr X: Too late for that mate she died this morning.

He didnt tell the missus. She gets a bit funny about 'tempting fate'!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:29, Reply)

Not entirely a comeback
A friend of mine was recently talking about a friend of theirs (who I don't really care for), saying "he's just had a terrible accident." I had to spend the following ten minutes trying to not to laugh out loud, because the first line that popped into my head was "what - he shat himself?"

In a bid to make this post even faintly relevant, we finally came across the word that describes having the perfect retort pop into your head after the moment for it has passed - 'treppenwitz', apparently.
(Hairy, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:26, Reply)

Bob the Builder
Upon walking past a group of builders, one decided to invite me to sit on his face. My retort of "Why, is your nose bigger than your dick?" caused much amusement to his colleagues and a smug glow for the rest of the day for me :D
I also used to work in telesales, which is a sarcasm gold mine. I know getting the calls can annoy people, so I was always very polite unless provoked. Conversation went as follows: Me:"Good evening, sorry to bother you..."
Angry woman: "Oh for fucks..call back in a week, I'm just on my way out the door!"
Me: "Oh, is it a particuarly high doorstep then madam?"
All that followed was a click..
(dropkickedkitten, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:26, Reply)

me-who are you?
stupid person-im your worst nightmare bitch
me-really?my worst nightmare is a big fat, child raping paedophile
(minister of evil, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:25, Reply)

Cold Callers Part 2.
Some of my favourites:

#1:
Them: "May I speak to Mr. [insert name here]"
Me: "Yeah if you want."
[long silence].
Me: "Is there anything else I can help you with, or was that it?"

#2:
Them: "May I speak to Mr. [insert name here]"
Me: "No. You may not... well, you can, but don't expect an answer."
Them: "Excuse me?"
Me: "He's a deaf-mute."
Last line can be substituted for "He's dead." though I've not done that one my self.
(minister of heresy, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:24, Reply)

Touche!
I'll start by saying that i'm not the wittiest person in the world, so this is blatanty lifted from Ice Cube's "Friday".

Having (and being a bloke) had long hair for several years i'm used to having dumb comments thrown my way. Normally its the usual "get yer hair cut", to which the standard response is "yeah, never heard that before".

Luckily the last time it happened the offender was a big fat ugly bitch - as i had watched friday only the night before, quick as you like i replied

"yeah, good one, now why dont you fuck off down the street and grab a sandwich or something, I know you're hungry"

She didnt say anything else, so i assume it had the desired effect.
(mondo_generator420, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:15, Reply)

Physical comeback
I was on an empty bus, going a couple of stops. I'm sat in the "please give up your seat for disabled or elderly people" bit, with a big heavy bag full of my evil plans.

Two perfectly spritely old gimmers get on and sit in the seat behind me and start slagging me off for it, "No respect" etc. etc. despite the bus being empty and my being there not inconveniencing their little old lives in the slightest.

So, I get to my stop, turned round and scowled at them and then proceeded to get off the bus dragging my leg behind me in the manner of a disabled type. That shut the old bints up. I kept it up all the way down the road, for authenticity.
( SpunkyBackpack, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:02, Reply)

I'm Julian Clary's brother.
Years ago, I don't know how many, let's say 8.

Little brother and me arguing.
I think he was wearing something I thought was a bit camp.
Me:You're gay.
Him:No! You're gay!
Me:You're so gay it's unbelievable.
Him:You're so gay you're Julian Clary's brother.
Me:...
Him:?
Me:...
Him:... ah fuck you

So from that moment on, any time I felt like humiliating him, I told him I was Julian Clary's brother.
( Halk, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:00, Reply)

cold callers
sales blokey: Can I please ask you one question?
me: Yes, you just have. Goodbye.
[click]
(thrain, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:57, Reply)

I have
a circular burn on my hand from a flaming sambuca (be careful with those fuckers, it really hurt), it's not so bad now but after I did it it looked really brutal. A huge white blister in a perfect circle, and the rest of my palm was bright red. Anyhow, sat on a train, little boy asks his mum, "whats that man got on his hand", me: "I'm in a satanic cult". It turned into quite a peaceful journey...
(mr pete, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:49, Reply)

a welsh friend of mine was forcibly put on the phone to his friend's mum
Friends Mum: "your from Wales, don't you shag sheep there?"

Welshman: "We fuck 'em, you eat 'em!"
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:46, Reply)

Witty Banter...
Snappy comeback while out on the lash:-

"You're ugly!"
"True, but if you were a puppy I'd teach you to walk backwards and bark out of your arse..."
(stoker, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:45, Reply)