Ahhhh booze. Lovely lovely booze.
I'm afraid my best booze story was when i was still living with my parents, I got home in the small hours, totally rat-arsed. I then burst into my parents rooms and crashed into their wardrobe. I then opened the wardrobe, and only answered their calls of "What the hell are you doing?" with "I need to go to the toilet". Needless to say, my dad booted me out of the room before I pissed into the wardrobe. Hurrah! We all had a good laugh about it the next day.

My friend, who shall remain nameless, used to stay over at his nans house when we went out boozing. Once, while completely paralitic, he filled, and climbed into the bath, fully clothed. He then got out, sopping wet, and jumped on his nans bed. As you do.

Another time, he spilt the entire contents of one of those "water filled light/bubble tube" things they sell in the gadget shop all over his bed. And then slept in it.

Last weekend, I woke up with several coloured pencils, and someones makeup compact in my back pocket, and absolutely no idea how they got there.

All very tame, i'm sure, but i find them quite amusing.
( Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:59, Reply)

Woke up in my university bed (too much booze at uni!)
in a rather hazy state. My head was hanging off the edge of the bed, into the bin. Quite a bit of vomit surrounding the area, and a bit of blood, too (this was my stomach lining making a bid for freedom). Eventually got up, in a rather unsteady manner. Luckily, my room was next to the toilets. Stand in front of the bowl, nob in hand, thinking *something should be happening*. Yes, I had forgotten how to piss (even though this defies all knowledge regarding the operation of the human bladder)! After entering some kind of zen state, I managed to relieve myself. Staggered back to my room to wash my hands, looked in the mirror and find I have a beard and ciggy drawn on my face in blue felt pen. Also notice the word TWAT (written backwards for mirror observation) across my forehead.
*How do I remove this?!* Go seek help from flatmates who suggest nail polish remover. *Good idea* says I, heading for the shower having acquired a bottle of said thinner. Proceed to wash my face in nail polish remover - this stings a bit, the smell makes me want to throw-up (not likely as my entire stomach contents are still in my room) and isn't very successfull in removing the ink. Return to room and find soap far more useful, so feel like I've earned the word TWAT.

Was later informed that I narrowly escaped having my eyebrows shaved, shown lovely pictures of unconcious me wearing my traffic cone (I was a student, of course I had a traffic cone in my room!), and was told that everyone was quite disturbed by a) the blood that I started vomiting and b) the giant jar of vaseline (not to mention the pump for dispensing prescription moisturiser!) at my bedside! I had been dragged to bed sometime after I lost the ability to see anything (which is just about where my memory fails me of that day).

It was sometime in the late evening that I managed to clean my bed and eat something...

Please note, I am not proud of any of this! I did go through a similar experience in the following week, but I now can't even stand the smell from a bottle of Malibu, let alone drink the stuff. On the plus side, I found myself immune to hangovers for the next 3 years...

[edit: just remembered that I once persuaded a university bus driver to stop so I could take a piss out of the doors. The other passengers weren't quite so understanding! I don't drink like I used to.]
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:52, Reply)

vomitimng cripple
thats me of course got a Disability cheque through went out to celerbrate with a night of drinking drank 20 shots of aftershock in a pint glass half a bottle of champagne and then redecorated the bathroom of Club Earth
luckiliy no one saw me untill i decided the dance floor looked a little drab. the bouncers were not happy with having to lift a guy in a wheelchair who was spray panting there club with fizzy red jam vomit. And where were my loyal freinds at this time well they thought leave him and melted into the crowd saying "i dont know who he is" bastards
( filth wizard, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:52, Reply)

ugh, vomity fountain
new years 2000 - pissed through the letterbox of the house i was partying at

new years 2001 - drank 3 litres of cider, tripped over myself and knocked a widescreen TV onto myself. i was sat hunched over on the floor being squashed, and i just kept mumbling "why's my back so heavy"

same night vomited the 3 litres of cider back up into a shower and then attacked someone with a lit sparkler

more recently - in the dankest club of all time blind drunk. i was stood by the bar talking to the barman and being sick on my feet at the same time. also i was sick in the toilets on the same night and when i flushed the sick blocked them causing the whole floor of the toilets and bar area to become flooded inch deep in sick/piss water. don't remember very much of that night at all, still more though than...

two weeks ago, same club - i walk in the entrance, then i'm at a garage asking a woman if i can see her hot lips, then i'm back in the club being sick on stage, in front of everyone, then i'm laying on the toilet floor, then people are screaming, then i wake up in bed with my clothes on

i will never know what really happened, because no one else can remember either

apparently there was sick all over the front garden but next doors cat ate it
(John Doe, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:45, Reply)

the fear
once broke up with a girl in a park at 10pm and thus decided i needed a drink. i proceeded to a cosy little place in stoke newington for a nice pint. had one and was confronted by closing time, so i trundled down the road to a late bar where i met a friend and her two female cousins from canada. the four of us raised it up proper until 2amish when the bar closed. this is where it goes downhill. i remember a mexican guy ('tis a latinesque bar) invited me and friends for a spliff outside. next i remember walking down the street hours later in the direction of home with a very jolly african man talking about how we were both "true men of love" but women would never understand.
around 11am that morning i awake feeling cold, hungover and for some reason falling forwards onto my face. it's about this point i realise i'm on the doorstep of my now ex girlfriend and she's opening the door against which my face is pressed. next i remember is waking up again sometime later on her sofa minus my trousers. she's washing them cos there was puke all down one leg (but strangely only from the knee downwards...). she tells me that when she found me on the doorstep i was babbling incomprehensibly about "shopping centre" and "taxi".
after sometime i began to piece it together as best i could. the evidence was that there was approx £30 missing from my wallet, my phone was gone and my camera was trashed. plus the mystery of the taxi and shopping centre.
i reckon i'd walked halfway home and come to the local shopping centre. i was either mugged and put into or just got a cab and blurted out the ex's address drunkenly. i think i was sick in the back of the cab; hence the vomit being only from the knee downwards. cab driver gets pissed off and fleeces me for 3 times the cab's worth (£30) and probably helps himself to my phone. and then dumps outside my ex's (later a neighbour said they saw me lying on the pavement at 9ish). the camera is still a mystery; you'd need a hammer to do the damage done to it!
the best bit is when i went to report my phone 'stolen' to the police with a very elaborate cover story just to get the insurance their computer broke down and it was all done by hand; but the officer forgot to ask my name, address and phone number!
maybe that's a future question: have you ever lied to the police and got away with it? ;P
sorry this was so long!
( ginmakesamanmean Few and far between, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:22, Reply)

Once after finishing exams me and a load of mates went out to celebrate and got very wasted
on the way home there was a wall we could jump over to shorten the journey by a couple of minutes so we decided to go for it. I couldnt get a very good run up as there was brambles and general foliage around (and being drunk didnt help either) so I ran up and jumped at the wall.
What i didnt see sticking out of the wall was an old metal thing which used to hold the barbed wire which used to run along along the top of the wall which had now just been snapped off and left there. I managed to jump straight up against this and carving a massive gash running from the bottom of my rib cage towards my crotch and stopping less than an inch away from slicing my favorite body part off (or at least in 2)

This was nearly 3 years ago and the scar is still huge
( the_fabulous_dancing_yak You like game? You come see 5punk.co.uk. You like!, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:20, Reply)

oooooh, I forgot another one
I spent half an hour balancing the contents of 2 whole tubes of pringles on a drunken mate face.
I also used pritt stick to attach half eaten malteasers to a friends face and then colour the rest of his face black with a burnt cork.
( M@rkoni, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:18, Reply)

This one is neither amusing nor endearing
but while the confessional is open ...
Glasgow in the spring of 1991. Special offer long vodkas for a pound. Soiled myself in a taxi on the way to casualty before spending the night having my stomach scanned and pumped. Yay me. Nicest dashed taxi driver in the world as well ... although he was under the misapprehension that it was food poisoning.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:17, Reply)

mixed way to many drinks one night.......
spewed in my girlfriends parents conservatory then was ushered into the bathroom to continue my heaving activities.
Whilst driving the porcelain bus I decided to kneel down as by legs had a mind of their own. I was leaning over the loo when I slipped and got my head stuck between the toilet bowl and the wall, my legs were tucked underneath me so I was unable to move, I called for help but no one turned up for 15 minutes. When help did arrive my so called friends called everyone over to have a look. I was dragged out once everyone had stopped laughing and after one mate decided to use the loo whilst I was stuck!
ooooh bugger!
( M@rkoni, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:14, Reply)

A small group
of spotty youths back in the 1980s took a shortcut across a muddy field one specialbrew-fueled afternoon ... decided it would be better to remove our bestest trousers and shoes to avoid getting them dirty. Forgot that the shortcut came out next to the policestation. The local bobby would probably have given the semi-naked cowshit-covered lot of us a bollocking for under-age drinking if he could have stopped laughing.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 9:12, Reply)

It wasn't me, but...
I was in a bar with friends when in college in Upstate NY. While waiting at the bar to catch the bartender's eye I was watching a guy I half knew trying his damndest to impress a girl. I knew that he was drunk, but I didn't know how drunk until he got this odd expression, then barfed directly into the girl's face. Not just in front of her, mind you, but on her face.

The poor bastard probably never got laid again.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 19 Mar 2004, 8:41, Reply)

And a funny one was the time my mate was drunk and skint.
Bet him £20 he wouldn't shag the resident big fat girl who had tagged along with our group.

He was very drunk and so couldn't resist.
We game him a condom for his protection, and he pulled her in about 10 seconds. I wasn't letting him lie about the bet so followed him home and waited outside his house. He had lost the condom and been sick. He saw her naked and tried chickening out, saying with no condom it was too risky. She was having none of it and basically shagged his drunken form until he passed out with me pissing myself laughing at the screams and whimpers and retching going on.

He was a subdued man for several days and would whimper "it was like sticking it in a suitcase, a suitcase." i paid him up gladly.

if only i had had a tape recorder.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 8:34, Reply)

Went on a stag week end to Blackpool.
Started on pints, moved onto shorts, was then informed that champagne was the best tipple of a night out. Decided to mix with a pill for good measure. Got lairy, lost my ticket for my coat, screaming at the cloakroom attendant. Bouncer starts up. I feel at this point i should state that i am a gentle giant who normally just looks like a mean bastard, and never ever get violent. I decked him, ran away from the following crowd of bouncers, fell down the stairs denting my leg. Ended up lost big time mid hallucination that i was actually in just a slightly redecorated Gloucester. Ended up dodging trains on a train track, trying to break into houses to get warm, and failing miserably. Wound up in a factory of some kind mid Game-of-Syphon-Filter (Playstation game) Trip. i annoyed some blokes obviously on the end of a long shift. Who chased me. With Sticks. Ran away, got caught by a couple, got hurt, got a stick off one and somehow either beat them or scared the fuck out of them with the now pulsating dents on my body. Continued to run through a scrapyard being followed by an alsation. Got loster. Left the most pathetic "help i'm lost and hurt" call to my brother's phone, got a cab to a b&b i had no clue as to it's location and had to aim him back from the tower until the money ran out. Found the B&B, led down, got woken up immediately, had a breakfast and was then told we were going to the pleaseure beach and would walk to wake us up a bit. My leg was bruised to 1 1/2 times it's normal size, and basically crawled along the front until passing out and having to go back to the b&b and stayed unconscious until the 4 hour train journey home.

I have'nt drunk champagne since.

or ventured to blackpool.

And i still can't go out with my mates without being played back the phone message.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 8:22, Reply)

When I worked in the city
myself and some coworkers went for beers after work, we'd gone from pub to pub to for serveral hours, until we ended up in some large pub in central London.
I banged into a tranny that I'd met on a previous drinking session, who asked me if I fancied a quick smoke, which sounded like a good idea.
We nipped into the loos, when to my surprise (s)he produced a crack pipe, it seemed to late to back out at that point, so I thought it’d be churlish to refuse.
It all gets a bit hazy now, but we snogged in the loo and then we ended up in her/his flat in Kings Cross. She was just doing up another pipe, when she mentioned that it wasn’t so much her flat as a squat, at which point the Police drug busted the place.
I managed to escape down a rear fire escape.
( Pootle, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 8:08, Reply)

Burger King Tirade
In 98, I went to see a friend for labor day weekend. Apparantly, I got rip-roaring drunk, stripped down to the buff, and walked 4 blocks to a burger king. (Of which I don't remember). On the plus side, I woke up with a french fry in my mouth, and my friend's japanese roommate covered me up with a sheet. Oh yeah, and a number was scrawled on my arm.
:-)
( Well, not quite Will be nice for food, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 7:54, Reply)

Not my story but...
...My mate passed out on the toilets while at a seafood gig in Birmingham, he left the door open, which made it easy for the medics to get at him but did make for some interesting photos...
Long story short they had to stretcher him pretty much through the middle of the mosh pit, about halfway through he sat up stuck both his middle fingers up, shouted 'rock on' and then passed out again. Even the band noticed this happening and so the whole thing was recoreded on detail on their website and he became semi famous on the seafood forums for a quite a while.
( Manofmilk walks without rhythm but still attracts the worm, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 7:42, Reply)

well i wish i could remember it all but here's what i do:
I went on the piss with some of my mates when i was working on ships. we found a bar which was selling shots for £1. now we downed approx 11 double shots in the space of an hour and while we were in club everything was fine.
We decided to move clubs and this is where it starts to becomes hazy i remember arriving at the club and being turned away because i couldn't walk up the steps.
I semi remember getting a taxi and sort of remember arriving back on the ship.
i woke up the next and went to get dressed as i was meant to be visiting my parents. i discovered i had lost my glasses when i went to put them on and had a gash down my face and leg with a rip in my trousers with no idea of how i got them.
the worst thing was (i was told this part) the women i fancied in the cabin next door had seen me trying to get into my cabin the night before and had put me to bed after helping me undress and i have no memory of it the worst bit being was when she told me that she had came out in just her nightie when she heard the racket i was making. ah well
( Plomien is Polish for flame, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 7:41, Reply)

story number 3...
....Do I drink too much? I guess its ok i'm a student. Last year my whole household got plastered. On return it seemed like a good idea to have a nice hot bath...(with our cloths on...By the morning it was a nice cold bath and my mate who had spent the entire night immeresed in freezing cold water spent the nest 6 weeks in hospitol with pnemonia!
( Manofmilk walks without rhythm but still attracts the worm, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 7:36, Reply)

hee, hee.
I also remember (just its a bit hazy) buying a large donner with a mate and then getting about 10 foot before dropping it in the middle of a busy road...leave it where it lay....did we fuck - We both crawled around in heavy traffic trying to pick all the pieces up and stuff thm backinto the pitta. Needless to say we failed and were lucky to get away with just a few grazes on our knees.
( Manofmilk walks without rhythm but still attracts the worm, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 7:34, Reply)

Once my mate abd I were so drunk...
...that he didn't notice that he had missed the ash tray and stubbed his cigar out on my hand, right between my 1st two fingers. I didn't notice either untill the morning, when I woke in angony with a perfectly circular section of flesh between my fingers completly burnt away. Because all the skin was burnt of it took a very looooong time to heal and caused me considerable pain for weeks.
( Manofmilk walks without rhythm but still attracts the worm, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 7:32, Reply)

Well.
My worst booze related disaster was when I froze to a dumpster..

It was a loooong hard night of heavy liver ass-kicking. And we were walking some reasoablby hot-ass chicks home from the bar. It was about -25ºC. I was the one unlucky enough to not get in the action but my friend was telling a different story inside. So in my drunken stupidity, I waited outside on a dumpster, passing out. I awoke to find a nice layer of frost on my eyebrows and hat. I then proceeded to un-freeze myself and go inside. Once inside I was giving off that same strange fog that freezers do when you open them... So yea to conclude. Dont ever-ever drink and sit on dumpsters... ever.

On another totally related topic.

I was at a bush party, and my friend's girlfriend got mad at him. So, I tried to talk to her to fix things. But this chick was nagging me about everything so I told her to make like a tree and fuck off. this made my friend's old lady pretty pissed so she ran him over with a car.

I still feel like its my fault.
(Scott_ish got this sig out of a crackerjack box on, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 7:05, Reply)

I Have 2 Stories
1st off it was the first time i drank vodka and i was in a cold southampton graveyard drinking with some friends. i drank a whole litre of the stuff straight telling myself it was shit and wasn't working. 10 minutes later my legs stop working and i fall over. my friends drag me to the social club near the graveyard and try saving my life by
a) sitting me on a chair (which i fell off)
b)tried giving me water to drink (which ended up inside my nose)

i got taken to hospital and apparently had my stomach pumped which was a lie because i was puking luminous green vomit all the way home.

2nd story happened recently i just gave up being sober and looking after my friends so i got wasted in a shit hole known as "The Dungeon" in southampton (if you have ever been there you will no what im talking about next)

i drank so much i needed to puke. i ran to the toilet and saw a friend who looked at me and was about to say something but i puked all down his leg. busting into an unused cubicle i st on the floor but passed out for 3 hours only to be awakened by the bouncer asking me if i was ok.
( Mr. Street, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 6:50, Reply)

Other advice I can pass down
Is never down a fouth quadruple vodka.

You end up in a technicolour bed.

I was at a buisiness training school as part of my gap year. The last night, we decided to go out with a bang.

It turns out the scottish Year in industry people were the most drunken students there.

We were 15 people, only 9 of us drunk. The rest of the groups had about 150 people.

I decided to get fucked quickly. Within 30 minutes I had had 3 drinks. Three quadruple vodkas downed.

The next morning I woke up in a bed covered in puke. And was hungover on the twelve hour journey home.

The trains were canceled, and being in birmingham new street for an hour was not a pleasant expericnce.

I spent most of the journey on the floor of the cariage in a featl position hiding underneath the seats,
( tef, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 5:35, Reply)

The new years I was awake for in edinburgh
I ended up doing around trying to get a snog wearing a gas mask.

It worked.
( tef, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 5:29, Reply)

I was depressed on prozac.
The patient information leaflet didnt say much about alchohol.

So I got drunk. I decided the best thing to do would be to take off my tshirt in the pub and go around with a pen to get people to sign my nipples.

The best one was "Clean me".

The problem is that I ended up doing it the next week. Infront of my best friends parents.
( tef, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 5:27, Reply)

New years eve.
Have wristband to eneter into the city centre of edinburgh.

I'm in a student residence, 20 or so flats lumped together in the same building.

Around eleven - A chav offers me a a drink, in a flat party. I knock a bit of it back. A shot or so.

It's strong. He tells me he stole it from work. I then work out how pure the alochol I was drinking was. Over 80%.

I then go back to my flat in the student block to go back to piss.

I then go back down to the flat party to find out that I had collapsed. For four hours. And missed the street party.

The next week I get my photographs developed. And most of them are of peoples noses.

I still have no idea what I did for the hour after I had the shot. Apparently I pissed in a lift.
( tef, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 5:24, Reply)

Silleh Teenager
End of GCSE party with huge fire burning old school books and uniform, all good fun, until mildly shitfaced i and another decided to jump the fire once it died down. Unsuprisingly eventually we both jumped at the same time, me falling in the fire, him falling out of fire, the willybottomarsecrapoo, i caught fire, managed to get out but had pretty bad burns to my hand and a plethora of burns all over, to add insult to personal injury a mate was filming and pissing himself laughing all the time, after rolling the flames out, and checking he had it all on camera, i spent the rest of the evening with my arm in a bucket of water. This friend then proceeded to show the video laughing to everyone, and posted it on the internet, can't remember the link tho. Did manage to keep hold of my vodka through the fire thingy, had ping pong ball like blisters for days though
(SamTheEmphaticMelon, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 5:24, Reply)

Why roadblocks don't mix with booze
Because, as I learnt one tense night, when your car pulls up to a roadblock the lurching and deceleration can cause feelings of nausea. At this point you should not make any sudden movements. You should definitely not open the door and sprint to a bush. I managed to quietly and unobtrusively chunder into the footwell.
So no actual disaster, but I think it was close. The men with the guns did not seem very impressed by my Western depravity.
(junglejim, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 5:09, Reply)

I'm boring and don't drink
But my friends do!

A couple of months back, we were doing a shot run of a play that I'm in. Basically, every time you miss a line, you take a shot. (I had to take a shot of lemon juice for every missed line. I learned my lines reaaaaal quick)

So I'm talking to this one guy, John, who really messed up his lines badly, and was quite drunk. But then, a revelation!

"I've completly figured out my character!" he cries, (shakily) rising to his feet.

"Really?" says I. "Let's hear it."

"I," he declaims "have a BIG FUCKING BOAT!"

He spent the rest of the evening dancing like Spiderman.
(dragonrose, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 5:08, Reply)

Booze
In a Bristol pub, I proceeded to try rum.
In about 3 quarters of an hour, me and my 2 mates finished a bottle. Needless to say we were hammered. We were then introduced by our boss at the time to his niece. She joined in the fun after he went to piss(well thats what he said cos he didnt come back for a while). We struck up inebriated conversation and eventually stumbled our way to their car. She surpised me pleasantly when she removed her jeans and allowed me to engage in cunnilingus, which she seemed to enjoy, by the way. She surprised me even more when she suddenly pissed in my mouth. I dont think girlyjuice is that hot. Or that yellow. Not exactly what I call erotic.
(manicbranic, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 5:07, Reply)