Soul destroying job - chasing Student Loans
About 10 years ago I worked for a company which chased people who'd defaulted/hadn't deferred their loans. Most of the people we were calling were second generation immigrants at most, and a lot of the time the telephone number was their parent's address. Because it was a financial matter, we couldn't tell anyone apart from the person what the call was about, but had to make it sound as worrying as possible so as to get them to call back.

So yeah, my job was basically to call up and terrify elderly women with a poor command of English.

Lasted 4 weeks.
(MattWPBS, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 20:46, 5 replies)

Sometimes it's not just those answering the calls who are dumb.

"I'd like to complain about this Vision service!"
"Ok then, I'll get you through to the right people in a mo, what don't you like about it?"
"It's made my TV go all funny!"
"Eh? How?"
"Well, yesterday me and my wife sat down to watch a film that some friends had recommended to us, and as soon as we watched it all the colour drained from our tele, except for the odd bit!"
"Which film was this?"
"Schindler's List!"
My hand moved to my mute button so far you'd think it had food on it.
"Sir, had you not seen that film before?"
"No, why?"
"Sir, the film is supposed to be in black and white, with the odd splash of colour - from memory the scene with the girl in the red dress, and also the flame on a candle. It's not a problem with the service, it's the cinematography of the film."
"..."
"Sir?"
"I bet I'm the stupidest person you've spoken to today, aren't I? Please don't make any notes about this on my account!"

Also, we have strict procedures now on setting up email addresses for new broadband connections - the criteria is customer's first name, customer's surname and then a three digit number. Earlier today I was setting up internet for a customer, who was described as "completely barmy" by her son, who I was dealing with on the phone. The guy was a laugh, and I enjoyed talking to him, but the best bit came when I was setting the email address up.

"Ok, now I need you to get a three digit number from your mum, this'll be on the end of her email address, ideally something that's memorable to her."
"Ok then...Mum! This fella wants a three digit number that you'll remember!"
*faintly, in the background* "What's he want that for? My bank PIN's four digits, will that do?"
"Nah, something smaller, like 1-2-3!"
*still faintly* "Ok, how about 8-9-10?"

I swear I heard the son facepalm over the phone.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 20:38, 1 reply)

Real names that I had to call in the call centre
these are the few that I remember.

Sue Pine
Dr Juggernaut
Mike Hunt

ARF!!

enough said...

Here's an update on the info. Sue Pine was unaware how good her name was until I explained and she went away a little scared. Mike Hunt taught English at Park Lane College in Leeds, and the Dr Juggernaut call made me laugh so hard (try it "Can I talk to Dr. Juggernaut please?") I was forced to write him an apology.
(rockers74 killed a man in Reno just to watch him die., Sat 5 Sep 2009, 20:08, 8 replies)

Servicing the gays...
Not technically a call centre but in my last job I was "on the phones" in the customer services department of a "gay adult lifestyle goods" purveyor. This involved generally taking phone orders for made-to-measure harnesses, subscriptions to Black Inches and generally dealing with odd types.

I've had people call me and ask for a detailed explanation of how to use a douche, which stim kit would be most 'electrifying', and which baking product was best for fisting... if you haven't guessed it's Crisco (apparently).

Perhaps the weirdest customers were the guy who always ordered two of everything (apparently he lived with his equally gay twin) or the one who asked for lube advice, detailing the length and breadth of his and his partners well, cocks. I'm a girl by the way, so I always found it slightly weird offering advice on mano a mano anal but the lesbians loved me :)

My job also involved 'shopping reams of naked men and typing up tantalizing descriptions of 'rock hard members that'll have you creaming the night away', but that's another story...

Length? Well he said he needed the biggest bottle of lube available...
(Durgama cuddling draggy on, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 19:58, 3 replies)

Phone box blues
As part of the order process we're supposed to ask customers if they want their telephone number in the phone book. Yesterday I was setting up a 'phone line for an old dear who was doddering about in the background while I was chatting to her daughter.

"So, do you want your mum's number in the phone book?"
"MUM! Do you want your number in the phone book?"
"Why would I want my number in the phone box? I'll get all sorts of pervy calls from dirty old men thinking I'm a prostitute! I don't mind the pervy calls but I don't want them thinking I'm a whore!"

I was so glad the daughter couldn't see me struggling to keep a straight face.

Then, today, I was sat reading Veronica Mars quotes I'd emailed to myself to stop myself getting bored when I hear from the chap next to me:

"No, don't worry, I'll do it as fast as I can."
"..."
"No, you won't run out of air, don't worry."
"..."
"Don't worry, our phone boxes are not airtight. You'll be fine."
"..."
"You're not in a vacuum! Our phone boxes aren't air tight, you won't run out of oxygen."
"..."
"JUST OPEN THE BLOODY DOOR AND LET SOME NEW AIR IN SO YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT SUFFOCATING THEN!"
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 19:48, Reply)

Like everybody else I get cold called....
so we have an answering machine for calls we actually want, and it means that we can screen calls, anyone who knows us just has to keep asking if we are there and we can answer. Most cold calls don't leave anything, it's just a beep left as a message, then after dialling 1471 we can rejoice that we didn't answer.

Once, however, the phone rings whilst I was in and the answering machine kicked in.....

"I'm sorry we aren't able to take your call, please leave a name and message and we will contact you"..... Beeeee.....

The minute the beep stopped a voice started "Hellomynameis*whatever*andI'mcallingfrom*wherever*andIwaswonderingifyouwouldbeinterestedinsomeofourcurrentoffers...."

Clearly he hadn't noticed this wasn't a person. He went on....

"...asoneofourvaluedcustomersatthemomentwewouldbeabletoofferadiscountof*blahblahblahcantrememberwhtitwasbuthecontinuedinthisvein*andyoucouldpaythisover...."

I knew cold calls could be scripted but the chap didn't even breathe. This went on for a good 2 or 3 minutes....

"...ifhoweveryouwereto*someotherdealhehad*wewouldbeableto*blahblahblah*andofcoursethatwouldcomewithourextendedguarenteeaswellas..."

Finally, he finished his lines and asked if we were interested

"...naturally*blahblahwafflesomethingaboutcoolingoffperiodsorsomesuch*Ihopethishasbeenofhelptoyousirwouldyoubeinterestedinanyofouroffers?"

As I wasn't even there of course he got no reply, so he tried again....

"Hellomynameis*whatever*andI'mcallingfrom*wherever*andIwaswonderingifyouwouldbeinterestedin...... Hello?"

Whereupon he must have realised what he was actually doing, but just in case he thought he'd better check again...

"Hellosirareyouthere?"

Finally it either dawned on him that he was talking to a machine, or his 4 minutes 30 second call time limit had been exceeded and he was required to hang up.

Bless him.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Sat 5 Sep 2009, 19:13, Reply)

Tragedy
During another frankly fantastic 13 hour shift working for a wonderful company who had my best interests at heart I got a phone call from a slightly dotty old Jamaican lady who had called because 'The little light was on but the telly isn't going on.'

After about ten minutes of her nattering away about the programmes she was missing ('Sorry, I'm working during the day so don't really have a chance to watch daytime telly.' 'Oh but you must, it's so much better than the alternative.'), it turned out she wasn't talking about her digibox, but the actual telly. It was stuck on standby, her telly had no buttons apart from the power one, and she'd lost the remote. Her son normally helped her with stuff like this but 'he's at uni now' and she was hoping we could send an engineer round to fix her telly.

I told her she needed to find the remote, because an engineer would cost her about thirty pounds, and it wasn't really a problem that needed an engineer out.

She said she'd like an engineer out because she'd like someone round to talk to.

I talked to her for about half an hour, and she agreed to get her neighbour round in the evening to help look for the remote so she could watch telly. In the meantime she went off to find a radio.

She was really nice, I hope she found more people to talk to. And found her remote.
(thePontificator, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 19:06, 2 replies)

the system
I didn’t bother learning to drive till I was 26. I had a Vauxhall Nova for the first year or so after I passed my test until it was pointed out to me that at my age I could probably get something with a bit more poke and not have to sell one of my kidneys to afford the insurance.

So I bought a bright red MK11 Toyota MR2, some say ‘girls car’ some say it’s 'a bit wanky' but as far as I was concerned it was great fun. Decent amount of power, rear wheel drive mid-engined two seater. Cool.

The insurance however was not as hassle free as I had hoped. I called a number of companies and was getting well pissed off after a while. One company took absolutely ages taking all manner of pedantic details only to drop my call after placing me on hold. A complete bloody waste of my time.

So I called them back.

“Hello RipOff BloodyRacket Insurance, Vapid Bint speaking how can I help you?”
“Yeah I’d like a quote please”
“Certainly can you tell me the make and model sir”
“Toyota MR2”
“Engine capacity sir”
“2 litre”
“Is that a two door sir?”
“Erm no, it’s got four”
“Sorry sir our system tells me that is a two door car sir”

(Why they bother asking you these questions when they already have the bloody details in ‘the system’ was one of the things that had been bugging me)

“No, it’s got four doors”
“And it’s definitely a Toyota MR2 sir? Are you sure it’s not a Celica”
“It’s an MR2 it’s got 4 doors. Anyway a Celica is a girl’s car”
“My husband drives a Celica sir”
“Is he a girl?”
“Sorry sir”
“Your husband – is he a girl?”
“Certainly not”
“Well he drives a girl’s car, anyway its definitely got four doors – my door, the other door, the boot door and the glove box door”

Silence…

“…erm we would regard that as a two door car sir”
“Fair enough, so do I get a discount for having less doors?”
“No, I doesn’t work that way. Have you made any modifications to the vehicle sir?”
“Yeah I put new mats in it”
“That’s not really a modification is it sir”
“Yes it is. The other ones were crap, they kept catching on my shoes”
“(sigh) have you made any modifications to the engine, exhaust, wheels or suspension sir?”
“Nope”
“Ok sir so...”
“Hang on, there’s that thing in the middle bit”
“The middle bit sir?”
“Yeah you know between the seats – next to the stick thing that’s not the gears”
“You mean the handbrake sir”
“Whatever”
“Can you describe the modification please sir”
“Well it’s got these lights on it”
“Yes sir…”
“And some dials”
“What’s it called sir?”
“It’s a flux capacitor”
“Can you spell that please?
“Sure – f l u x c a p a c i t o r”
“Sorry sir I’m not getting that on my system is it an in car entertainment device”
“Not really”
“What does it actually do sir?”
“It creates a temporary disruption in the space time continuum by exerting quantum effects on semi classical gravity thus subverting the chronological protection conjecture to permit non linear motion through time”
“Sorry”
“It’s a time machine”
CLICK…..
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 18:49, 8 replies)

Ways to pass the time in a Call Centre
The spiel we got given during training was that the greatest prank ever, ever, pulled on a customer was when someone on his last day told the woman on the phone that the company was doing a scratch and win competition, and to stand a chance to win £5000 all she had to do was scratch off the panel on the card in her Sky box and see if there was a smiley face under it.

She phoned back complaining about an hour later.

This probably didn't happen I expect. What we did most of the time was pretend to be having a really weird conversation that the customer would hear a suspect part of when they were connected.

We heard a beep on the headset when the customer was being put through, and the customer would hear us saying something like:

*'Well it was a cat but who's that fussy? Hello...'
*'Glans? Hello...'
*'...kill Ghandi and marry Hitler. Hello!'
*'Yeah, yeah, with a melon - hello you're through to Sky Customer service...'

No-one ever seemed to notice though, so we stopped. Probably for the best.
(thePontificator, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 18:48, 6 replies)

I worked for Sky
Except that, technically, I worked for a company hired by Sky to provide extra customer service. If you work directly for Sky you are allowed free Sky TV for the duration.

Having worked at Sky however, I still think free is too much to pay.

There were few good sides, mainly involving porn.

Example 1: Taking a call with 5 minutes to go til closing time from a bisexual lady who wanted a porn film that focussed on men but wasn't completely gay.

Now, when you looked at the list of films all you got was the title, unless you selected the film and read the blurb, but that was still a not entirely accurate way of guessing the content.

Also, most porn is for men. You can tell by the title if it's for men quite a lot of the time. So I sifted through all the porn films on the database looking for titles that didn't scream 'Big titted ladies cop off with each other'.

So, at 10.29 pm, with a minute to go til close, I am reading out porn-blurb to a very nice bisexual lady, who is weighing up the pros and cons of each film and deciding based on our guesses as to what 'Debbie and Clem find an old paddling pool in the attic and invite some of Debbie's friends round' could possibly entail, cock-wise.

In the end I said, 'Look, I'm really sorry but the entire building is closing and I don't think we're any nearer finding a film for you. What might work better is if you buy a channel for the evening, which lasts several hours longer, is only a couple more quid, and will cover all your bases, so to speak.'

She took the channel option. I really hope there were cocks in it. Bless you dear lady, whoever you are, for letting me go home on time.

Example 2:

'You are going to have to tell me what this means on my bill!'
'What what means, madam?'
'Nightly Services! What is that?'
'That's pornography madam.'
'Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? I most certainly did not order that, it must be a mistake.'
'Sorry madam but the only way to order that is with a 4 digit pin code, have you set one?'
'Yes I have!'
'Oh, well it can only be ordered by someone who knows that pin number.'
'Don't be ridiculous, it's only me and my husband here!'
'...ah.'

But they weren't MPs, so no major problems there. As euphemisms go I think 'Nightly Services' lacks something. I hope they've changed it.

Example 3:

The guy who sat next to me was on a long call, same kind of thing as above, someone querying a bill. I wasn't on call and I could hear the tinny sounds of the customer through his headset. Someone with a ludicrously deep voice. The debate continued for several minutes with Dermot, the guy next to me, stating again and again that it is going to have to be paid for, and it isn't something that can be ordered by accident.

The guy then shouted something I couldn't make out, but it was no longer in a deep, booming voice. There was a long pause before Dermot said:

'You're fourteen aren't you?'
(thePontificator, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 18:31, 3 replies)

The call centre of the Sioux Nation.
"How! May I help you?"
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 18:26, 1 reply)

"You need a new client machine setting up?"
That was the question asked of the customer when they rang to tell us that one of their old client machines had gone pop in the tech support company I work for.

It turns out that a hardware fault had killed one of the old PCs at one of the customer sites that we support and they needed our software setting up so they could carry on with their work.

First things first, lets establish that they have a machine capable of running our software. Joy of joys they have had the brain power to buy a suitable box with all the right stuff needed.

"Right," we said, "we need you to install the remote desktop software we use in order to carry out the install remotely. Can you open a browser window and type this address in?"

A simple enough request met with an unexpected response.

"What's a browser?"

"Well, you've used Internet Explorer before, right? That's a browser."

Luckily yes, they have used it before.

"So can you open the browser please?" we asked.

"Not at the moment, no."

Okay, maybe they haven't got an internet connection. Lets test that.

"Are you on the internet there?"

"Yes, we can all get on the internet, I'm on it now, thats how I got your number."

"Ah, okay," we're getting somewhere at last, "Can you type this address into your address bar?"

"I don't need it installing on this machine, it's on the new machine."

This is starting to get a bit odd now.

"Okay, can you move over to the new machine and open a browser for me?"

And this is where the whole reason they couldn't do this in the first place becomes *very* clear.

"Well, we haven't unpacked it yet."

"It's still in the box?"

"Yes, it only arrived half an hour ago."

"Riiiiiight...."

"I thought you could do all this remotely?" for some reason the customer sounds baffled.

"Well we can," we replied, "but it does kind of depend on the PC being on."

Oddly the customer seemed to think that we could assemble, plug in, turn on and install software onto a computer... over the phone.

I think the customer was on hold for 5 minutes until the entire office, who had been listening to the whole conversation stopped laughing.

The customer was politely to get the PC plugged in and connected to the internet before calling us back. He called back two days later and everything was fine.

I really don't think they needed to write a letter of complaint saying how unhelpful we'd been. I think that went home with the manager to be framed.

Length? Are we still doing that gag?
( Lazlo Woodbine Panowie!, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 18:17, 1 reply)

I'm sorry I cannot continue this call
This type of call is puzzling to say the least......

Them: "Hello, Gobbo, we are calling because you already have an account with us and we want to know if we can do some more business with you"

Me: "Sure, I'm a bit busy at the moment can you pop the details in the post"

Them: "We are a green company and we don't produce paper"

Me: "No problem, stick it on an email"

Them (sounding narked) "I'm sorry, I cannot continue with this call"

*click*

Equally puzzling is this one.....

Them: "Hello, Gobbo, we are calling because you already have an account with us and we want to know if we can do some more business with you. Before I continue can you answer a security question to prove your identity. What is your mother's maiden name?"

Me: "I'm not prepared to give that information to a random caller"

Them: "I cannot continue until you identify yourself"

Me: "No. you called me. Tell me what you info you have and I'll confirm it if I'm satisfied you are who you say you are."

*click*
(gobbo, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 17:56, 4 replies)

Cheeky Pearost......
I used to work for a Sheffield based ISP that may or may not sponsor a local team that plays in blue and white.

Now as I worked in one of the Tech Support teams, you could be guaranteed that 99.999% of customers who called were going to be pissed off for one reason or another.

Some examples of the mouth breathing offspring of a retarded mongoose that I had to deal with are as follows:

One guy who calles up and advised that his internet wouldn't work, I went through all of the standard diagnostics and came to the conclusion that the problem was a line fault and needed to be reported to BT, he kindly informed me that this made sense and could it possibly be something to do with the telegraph pole outside of his house that had blown over??

An old lady who was somewhat hard of hearing and kept telling me not to get too technical on her when running through tests, the fact that I was only asking her to advise whether or not the lights on her router were on or off was irrelevent. (It turned out that she didn't have the router plugged in, this was apparently the fault of the company!) Once the issue was resolved she kindly told me to "Go Fuck Myself" before putting the phone down. (Normally I would be offended, but theres something about old people swearing that makes me chuckle!)

Numerous people called up complaining about their internet service, but funnily enough I couldn't find their details on the system. The conversation generally went something along the lines of:

Me - "Are you sure that we are your ISP"
Them - "Of course I'm, bloody sure you idiot, what do you take me for?"

swiftly followed by:
"I've been with BT/Orange/AOL for years!".
Me - "Ah but sir/madam/cocknose, this is P**N**, not BT/Orange/AOL".
Them - "Oh right. Well in that case put me through to BT/Orange/AOL!
Me - ????

My all time favourites were the people who thought that they were the uber god of all technology, whose infinite knowledge of all things technical gave them the right to come across as cocky bags of shite who generally treat us as total bastards. (I used to make up technical sounding terms and talk complete bollocks and they would nod and agree with everything that I said which basically showed them to be the complete Fucktards that they were).

One particular guy that I remember came through to me complaining that he could not access the setup page of his router, he was convinced that the router was faulty and wanted to return it:

Me: What appears to be the problem Sir?

Fucktard: Well this shitty router that you have sent me won't work

Me: In what way sir?

FT: It just won't work, I've tried everything!

Me: Please can you be more specific about the problem? Have you configured the router at all?

FT: No, I just plugged it in and tried to get onto the Internet but it won't let me

Me: Well sir, you need to configure the router before you can connect to the internet

FT: What? Aren't you supposed to do that? I've paid for this and I expect it to work, I work with computers every day, I'm the Managing Director of XYZ computers and I'm a software developer and I've never had to do this before!

Me: (Trying to stay polite) Well sir, I'm unsure of what equipment you have used in the past, but to use this equipment you need to configure it with your username/password etc.

FT: For god's sake! Right, tell me what to do then

Me: Well sir you need to type in the IP address of your router into an Internet Browser

FT: Duh! How the hell can I? I can't connect to the internet!

Me: Sir, you do not need to be connected to the internet to access your router

FT: Ok whatever, so how the hell do I find out what the IP address of the router is?

Me: Well sir, the IP address can be found in the literature that came with the router, but if you can tell me the make I will be able to tell you the default IP address.

FT: It's the grey one that you sent me

Me: Sir you need to be more specific, we supply many different types of router

FT: Fine give me a minute

(5 minutes later)

FT: It's a Belkin

Me: OK sir, the IP address that you need to type in is 192.168.2.1

FT: Is that in upper case or lower case?

Me: Excuse me?

FT: Are you deaf? Is that in U.P.P.E.R C.A.S.E or L.O.W.E.R C.A.S.E!?

Me: Sir, it's a number.

FT: Don't get smart with me, which is it?

Me: Sir, numbers do not have upper and lower cases....

*click*

I never found out whether he got his router setup...I hope not!
(Cow_Tipping_Samurai, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 17:41, 4 replies)

Equally relevant to this as to the last time I posted it
but I can't think of anything else, most of my stories (it being a call centre) relate to conversations and don't scan as well written down.

So a pearost it is!

Me (Rail ticket selling phone monkey): Good evening, how can I help?

Customer: I'd like to buy a train ticket please, I want the cheapest.

M: Certainly. Can I ask where you're travelling from and to?

C: Yes I want the cheapest ticket, I'm going from A to B. But I do want to buy the cheapest ticket.

M: No problem. Is it a single or a return?

C: Is a single cheaper than a return? I do want the cheapest ticket.

M: A single will be less than a return.

C: A single then. I want the cheapest ticket.

M: So you don't need to travel back from B to A by train?

C: Yes I do but I want the cheapest ticket.

M: Probably best to look at it as a return journey then.

C: But do it as 2 singles though, because that will be cheaper. I want the cheapest ticket.

M: *sigh* I know they are sir, but I can look at the journey for you as a whole.

C: As long as it's the cheapest ticket. I want to buy the cheapest ticket.

M: No problem. What dates and times would you prefer to travel?

C: The cheapest date. I want to buy the cheapest ticket.

M: I appreciate that sir, but it is a half hourly service between A and B for about 18 hours a day and we can book tickets up to about 3 months in advance.

C: When is it usually cheapest. I want to buy the cheapest ticket.

M: The further in advance you book, generally speaking it will cost less.

C: OK then I need to travel out (this date) and back on (that one), but I do want the cheapest ticket.

M: And what time on each day would you like to travel?

C: What's the cheapest time? It's the cheapest ticket I'm looking for.

M: The middle of the day will, as a rule generally cost less.

C: That's no good, I need to go out at (busiest time of day) and come back at (slap bang fucking sod in the middle of peak time). What is the cheapest ticket on those trains, because I want the cheapest ticket.

M: On those trains it would be £blah, however if you can travel at (slightly different time each way) then it would cost you £lowest-possible-price-that-money-can-buy.

C: And is that the cheapest.

M: Yes sir that is the cheapest.

C: You don't have anything cheaper? I want the cheapest ticket.

M: No sir, that is the cheapest.

C: Would it cost less if I travelled at a different time? I want to buy the cheapest ticket.

M: No sir. That is the lowest possible cost for a ticket for that journey.

C: Are any of the trains discounted? I am looking for the cheapest ticket.

M: No sir, that is the cheapest.

C: Could I save money on any of these tickets in any way. I want to buy the cheapest ticket.

M: *sigh again* No sir, that is the cheapest ticket.

C: I think I'll leave it, that's quite expensive.

M: Thank you sir, do call again.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Sat 5 Sep 2009, 17:33, 5 replies)

I work for a health insurance company
And we cover health insurance for those who are on state aid because they are either disabled or extremely poor. (This means that 5% of our callers have had bad luck from the economy going tits-up, the other 95% are stupid.)

Let's start with this one.

lady called in to change her primary care physician, which we did. pcp change done, you'll get the new id card in 2 weeks, blah blah blah. anything else?


her: "yes, what is this number?"
me: "what number?"
her: "this number on the paper!"
me: "what paper?"
her: "from the printout!"
me: "what printout?"
her: "from the computer!!!"
me: "what computer??"
her: "hold on."

[rustle rustle, murmer murmer]

her: "so you don't know what this number is?"
me: "ma'am, i have no idea."
her: "ok, goodbye."

/headdesk
(fai is rocking khaz modan server as of, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 17:09, Reply)

I sold my soul to the call centre whore-dog slave drivers
while I was a student. Temping for a global delivery company. The strangest call went like this:

"Hello, I've just had a cooker delivered..."

Me: "Great, how can I help?"

"Well, I popped out and they left it in my garden..."

Me: "OK, how can I help?"

"Well, they chucked it over the back fence, it's landed tits up in my pond and killed all my fish..."

Oh fuckery cock-nads!!!
( SpankyHanky, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 16:41, 1 reply)

Right, that's it.
Thanks to B3ta advice, all cold caller's questions will now only be answered via the 'magic 8 ball'.


That should show 'em
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Moof
Friend of mine takes emergency calls for the National Grid... the "you smell gas, call this number" thing. He comes back from a night shift with the giggles.

There was apparently a man who called at 3am explaining he smelt gas.

In a field. A cow field. By a black cow.

Unfortunately, *every* call needs to be investigated and "closed off", so off the engineer is dispatched to this field, only to call back on arrival with:

"there's more than one cow - and none of them are black!"

So our energy costs were put towards paying an engineer to chase cows in a field at 3am. I can only hope he had a good laugh when he finished the job.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 15:47, 4 replies)

Never worked in a call centre but I've been a receptionist...
you don't just fucktards on the phone, they come in the office too!
And some people just HONK. At least you can't smell cuntbuckets on the phone.
One guy used to come in monthly to pay a tenner off a debt, and the money he got out of his pocket smelled like it had been wrapped round a tampon and shoved up a dead whore.

We were told to answer calls within four rings, fair enough, but on a two line switchboard if you've got two callers on the line already SOMEONE else is going to go to the automated call system. That was frowned upon and stats were kept. The boss said "Auto calls were back over 5% this month"
Me "I can only answer / field two calls at once - Callers 3,4,5 who happen to ring up while those two lines are waiting to be directed are going to get diverted, sorry"
Boss "Right Miss Sal, I get it" (clearly he didn't)
Next month they bring the stats up again. Why, the stuttering fuck? I can STILL only take two cunting incoming calls at once.
( Sallyrsm, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 15:38, 1 reply)

My 3 days of Hell.
A job that can make somebody as stubborn as me quit after three days shows how cuntish this place truly was. I have worked in so many demeaning dead-end jobs for cash, but the idiots here were something else and frankly I would sooner bang Mick Hucknall than do that job again:

I lost my hearing for 24 hours for a start.

Our swine of a manager had such a fucking loudmouth that we had to turn the headsets up full-blast. You know that annoying screeching noise you hear when you call someone's house phone who is on dial-up?

Imagine that. VERY loud. From 8:45 to 6:00pm.

On my last day I was deaf in one ear.

Oh, that wasn't the worst of it.

The boss was such an utter cunt he made David Brent from the Office look like the King of Street cred. His name was Max, and made sure we aaaall knew that by erecting up a fucking poem on the wall about what his name means...Max apparnetly means "the epitone of strength and dignity" instead of "the epitone of being a fat useless, stinking wanker".

Friday, was "Chill-out day" a brain child of said fat useless, stinking wanker, where we could wear anything we pleased. Perhaps we were supposed to think this waste of a large space was a cool boss. That is, until "Chillout day" got cancelled when the office emo came in with pink belts, eyeliner, depressive t-shirts and nail polish.

Max was loudly heard berating "the little queer" in the staff room unaware that his voice was so loud.

Emo left shortly after Max caught him attempting to cut himself with the corner of a pencil sharpener at the desk. All this I witnessed in three days.

All of this and I had to put up with angry members of the public screaming at me to fuck off every few minutes. I couldn't even hold the phone away from my aching ears seeing as it was a headset I was strapped into.

I began to feel like we were all in little pods like in the Matrix, that was how oppressive and demeaning the headsets started to feel to me. The idea gradually started to sound less and less crazy to me, and I started to wonder if the headsets were slowly turning us all into robots.

When I honestly started getting ideas that I needed to be "unplugged" I started to fear for my sanity, ripped the head-set off and stormed out at exactly 5:55pm. Knowing there was no way in Hell I would be going back the next day, by the time I cracked, robbing them of 5 minutes of my time seemed like a good enough victory to me.

Don't do it. No matter how bad things get. NEVER work in a call centre.
(trippeh, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 15:24, 3 replies)

I tried to ring Sesame Street
but I got put in the Q.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 14:52, Reply)

Not a call centre at all really...
...but I have accidently slipped out some corkers while staffing the drive-thru at McDonald's! We had the standard drive-up-to-the-speaker-and-wait-for-the-girl-to-ask-what-you-want set up... I tended to get distracted easily, especially when drive thru wasn't busy and I was helping the boys in the kitchen.

Here's a few of my favourites from my own mouth:

Hello, welcome to McDonald's, can I take a bite?
Hi, can I take your temperature?
Hi, can I make your day?
Good morning, welcome to... Um... erm... Oh! McDonalds!
(EasilyRecognisable I’m back baby, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 13:46, Reply)

Double Glazing
My older bro has his own way of dealing with unsolicited calls from a call center...

*RING RING*
*RING RING*

"Hello?"

"Hi, I'm Sharon for Everquest Double Glazing and we were wondering if you'd like a FREE house check to see if you qualified to be one of our Double Glazing Show Homes. If you qualify, and, if you agree, we can double glaze your entire house for at 25% of the normal cost."

"This must be fate!!!" my brother said "We were only talking last night about getting this place double glazed. It costs a fortune to heat. We've got almost 40 windows that need updating. - This place is huge!! Now hold on I'll go and find the wife - she has to hear this. 75% off. She'll wet her knickers. Don't go anywhere......"

And then he shouts:

"Wife!........"

"Wife!!!"


And slowly pushes the telephone down the side of the settee cushions.

His record is 6 hours of someone hanging on the telephone...

Cheers

You still there?

( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 12:51, 1 reply)

Major Outage....
Whilst working as 2nd/3rd line techy for a large out-sourcing company, this happened one day.

We were all told that the new, female, IT director ( bow down - we're not worthy) would be visiting us today and we had to be on our best behaviour.

It was a normal sort of day. Once the early morning rush of fucktards who couldn't remember their passwords was over, it was situational normal.

Then I wee little red light started to flash on my desktop. I looked up at the call queue and every operator was busy and more calls were coming in..

"Emma" I shouted... "Come off the lines and talk to me" - Emma was the firstline supervisor...

"We're getting hammered from all over the country with people who can't open their email..." she said.

"OK - stay off the lines and get ready to record a voice message"

I quickly brought up a command prompt.

c:\ping the datacenter

Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Request timed out.

Ping statistics for 192.168.0.17:
Packets: Sent = 4, Received = 0, Lost = 4 (100% loss),

I quickly remoted onto a machine down south while telling Ben, my sidekick to try from Devon and the results were the same. We'd lost the datacenter in Sheffield where all of the servers lived.

"Emksi! I yelled

"Yo"

"OK, bitch - get a message recorded and on the lines saying we have a major outage and we expect it be resolved in the next 30 mins. Updates will be provided by their local IT people every 20 minutes. Please do not call us."

"on it" she yelled

"PFY?" - (my trainee Legless) "Get a hold of Sheffield and find out what the fuck is going on..."

And more of this madness including cascading sms messages out to all of our clients, ramming a message up on one of our unofficial webservers and altering al of the local DNS servers to reflect that this was now the company's Itranet server....

A frenetic hour.

Then, we got called to say the the Sheffield centre was back online and to message all companies and team leaders that all was back.

I slumped back in my chair.

"Fuck me - we did well there" I thought

"Legless?" I heard my boss call "Could you come here please?

I then had a 20 minute dressing down from the new head of IT for calling Emma a bitch. It was only resolved when Emma was called in to ask if that term offended her.

"Only as much as me calling him an ancient Geordie Wanker" she sniffed. "If he'd really offended me he'd be wearing his balls as a tie"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 12:32, 2 replies)

Yet Another Pearoast
Sorry. But it is about a call centre. Next post will be a newby. Promise.

As a techy I've had to deal with the problems that have since become Urban Legends. The woman who photocopied her floppy disks when asked to make a copy. A guy who managed to jam *3* 5 1/4 inch floppies into his drive at the same time, the exec who was trying to fax a document by holding it to the screen and hitting the fax button in Word. Yup - I've had those and many, many more. The next tale happened at my last place of work.

I was working on 2nd/3rd line in a service desk and every once in a while the firstliners would put a call through to me that they couldn't deal with or if they didn't know which team it was supposed to go to. So one day a call was put through to me from the Headmistress of a local school.

"Hi - you're speaking to Legless, what seems to be the problem" I said

"It's the children’s computers" this incredibly posh, female, voice bleated "They're riddled with pornography and it keeps popping up all over the screen"

"OK - exactly what kind of pornography?" I asked

"COCKS!!! BIG BLACK COCKS!!!" screamed the head excitedly.

I corpsed. Hit the mute button and wet myself...



Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 11:41, 6 replies)

Sunday Mornings.
In a former life I worked in a Railway Telephone Enquiry Bureau. Pre National Rail Enquiries you rang a fairly local office direct. Sunday mornings were usually quiet and although there were six of us only one would normally be taking a call. The supervisor would usually close all but one line which we covered on a rota basis. The rest of us did what we liked. Talk, board games, jigsaws.
The one line open rota went out the window if a new member of staff had joined. Then they got the open line and usually had their head buried in a timetable/fares manual so much they didn't notice that no-one else was doing anything.
When you answered the phone on a Sunday morning with you corporate greeting "Bri'ish Rail" the usual response was, "Oh! I didn't expect you to be open."
(jvz, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 11:12, Reply)

I install callcenters for a living
its mostly pretty dull, but mostly the staff are better to look at than programmers, so its not all bad

anyway a by-product of this is that I know all of the OFCOM rules and regulations. For instance

If someone calls you up, they must answer the phone within 2 seconds of you answering, or drop the call with a pre-recorded message, or can face a massive fine if you report them.

If they do hang up, they're not allowed to dial you back within 72 hours, except manually calling. if they get this wrong, they face a massive fine if you report them.

In addition, all automated outbound calls must present a local rate or free number on their CLI (the thing that tells you who's ringing). if they get this wrong, they face a massive fine if you report them

This is useful to know to put the shitters up a company who is annoying you, or you can actually report them and see what happens. Barclays got fined 50k last year, and they're not alone..
(5lab, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 9:43, 1 reply)

Option One
Sprint is the cell phone in the US for the people who have money to waste.
I have worked for two companies, both with Sprint. First, I did technical support. Talk about CRAZY. There, it's just the garden variety. You have the conspiracy kooks who are convinced the FBI is tracking their wireless devices, or the technochallenged who think that we can shoot a "ray" to make their dead battery phone ring so they can locate it. Please don't forget the lonely drunk men who try to pick you up through the phone by asking for your astrological sign and then declaring you a 'bitch in bed'.
Sure, not all customers are nuts, just the vast majority! You do get some normal people at a time. People like my fellow B3tans who set their security passwords to "fuckyoucuntface".
More to come..apologies for the jumble that is this post. It's late and I actually have to work tomorrow...
(NancyycnaN Wðñ'† ¥ðµ §hðw §ðmê ¢l姧?, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 5:35, 1 reply)

call centers suck!!!
i dont like them!!!
( d d, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 2:55, 3 replies)