4-(2-hydroxyethyl)-1-piperazineethanesulfonic acid
For the biochemically minded amongst us, the above will be more familiar as one of Good's Buffers, great stuff for biological/cellylar/enzymatic experiments, blah blah blah.

For short though, it's generally know as HEPES

We may have had several bottles of the stuff all over the lab.

I may have gone round with a pen adding Rs in the (in)appropriate place.

Who says Herpes isn't a laughing matter?

A nice trick is to set someone's autocorrect on their copy of Word to do this change for you while they're writing up their thesis...

Childish? I'm a Dr me!
(Cocococho, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 23:25, 2 replies)

I was working in a pharmacy in Scotland
This substance misuser kept annoying me by sticking his head over the wall into the dispensary. He had a specific location where he would do it every day (and he wouldn't take "fuck off" as a hint) so I took an empty packet of diazepam 10mg tablets (Valium) and rigged up a booby trap. I placed it on the dividing wall where his scrotey face could easily see it. The trap consisted of elasticbands and paperclips; I was sure he'd only get it so far away before it snapped back or he got an elasticband in the face. It was very Wile E. Coyote (in my head).

Suffice to say, he never took the bait.... cunt!
( Bob the mul Don't look at me that way, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 23:17, Reply)

kinder shoes
during a very nice lunch out with a friend, i filled my pockets with sachets of mayonnaise.
after lunch, we went to wynsors to get him some new shoes.
as he tried on several pairs, i kept myself amused by putting the mayo sachets inside boots and wellies.
i'd love to have seen someone try on one of my specially-doctored "kinder shoes", but the laughing would have given me away!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 22:04, Reply)

Does it count if I'm 16?
Whilst walking round a tescos I asked a member of staff where the powerthirst was because I needed GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF ENERGY

for an experiment to be done on Friday we had to observe peoples reactions to things, so we did what seemed natural by charging round the school with bins over their head.

Also in America me and my brothers started to joust with the buggies only deciding to stop after the second buggy broke.
(Mikethfc, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 21:40, Reply)

Coo, coo
Walking with a friend, I deftly maneuvered to position a scrounging pigeon between myself and my amigos. With a sudden raise of my arms, the pigeon panicked and flew straight into my friends' face.
(psammead, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 21:02, Reply)

almost forgot this one
when my sis had been visiting my mum one day, i decided to play a little trick on her. as she started her car and began to reverse, i suddenly yelled out "WHOAH!"
panicking, she slammed on the brakes, then sat there fuming as i sauntered past the car, singing "we're going to barbados"

she was not amused.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 20:40, 7 replies)

Every time I see a dog...
I shout 'Dogggieeeeeeeeeee!' in a very shrill voice.

Every time.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 20:38, 5 replies)

When a colleague is in a meeting (or better, giving a presentation)...
I ALWAYS walk past the room and make sure I catch their eye whilst giving them the two fingered salute / scratching my face....

One time I made a guy burst out laughing, he had to explain himself. To the steering committee.... Get in!
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 20:33, Reply)

25 going on 12
A couple of weeks ago my friend and I (both rather inebriated) managed to get lost walking the straight, mile-long, road home from a nightclub.

We found ourselves in a rather well-to-do area with quuite a few expensive cars parked on the roadside; it just so happened that it had been a damp evening and the windows on every single car were misted over, so we did what came naturally to two pissed-up Northern man-children at 2:45am...we drew cocks on everything!

Big ones
Little ones
Hairy ones
Circumcised ones
Ones with balls that stretched to the wing mirrors, you name it and we drew it.

Front, rear, side windows whichever took our fancy - all daubed with phalluses (or is it phallusi? I don't know, I just know how to draw them)

But the one that sticks in my mind was writing "I LOVE COCKS!" backwards on the rear window of a VW Passat, so that when the owner looked in their rear mirror they would see it and realise that they love cocks.


Thankfully I don't think we were seen as I'd be pretty pissed off if I saw a pair drunken louts loitering round my car, and I'm pretty sure we wouldn'tve been able to run away very well.

Think I'll take it easy on the booze next time.
(SpongeGavShitPants, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 20:21, 2 replies)

Shitebag
Shitebag is a game my friends and I play, it's a bit pointless and random. The game is started when someone says 'first one to do X is a shitebag' we once ended up sitting in my friends car for over an hour because nobody wanted to be called the shitebag. There is also a long running game, the first one to take of their T in the park band is a shitebag, I lost this one quite quickly but there's still three people in it. Yeah, we're pretty sad.
(AyeMe, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 20:07, Reply)

the potty
when i need to go, i say, "I have to peepee." Recently, a rather crass Brit told me I should be saying, "I need to take a piss", but I find that terribly harsh. From now on, I'm going to say, "I need to go tinklepants."
(persnickety I Am The Seaward, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 19:56, 3 replies)

Giggling at this...
DIY shop called Batiman, when on holiday in France. Had to explain to the Amish Wife.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 18:48, 5 replies)

Mac childishness
Back at secondary school, we had nothing but Macintosh Classic's to use (early 90's). They were the ones that looked not dissimilar to a cream 14" tv with a disk slot at the front.

Due to some oddities in the old Mac OS, if you ejected the disk the obvious way, it ejected it, but didn't remove the icon from the desktop. Any attempt to use said left behind icon, would prompt a popup saying "Please insert disk (insert name of disk here)".

It was no great surprise then, to find a room full of mac's, each one asking someone to please insert a disk up their arse.
(ShiftyBastard won the World Cup on World Soccer Champs 2010!, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 18:02, 1 reply)

A few things really
My supervisors wander around with notepads all the time, so whenever they are away I just flip forward a few pages and write silly swearwords in tiny letters in the margin.

My manager and I pull faces at each other and the first to laugh makes drinks.

I have a plastic toy on my workdesk to which I have stuck the face of Joey Deacon

When I go over a steep hill or round a sharp bend in my car I go "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

35 in a couple of months.
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 17:13, Reply)

Childish and Racist
Every time I walk past some people of oriental persuassion I hum "hong chong chinaman chong chong chong chinaman" then when whoever I am with giggles I apologise to our oriental friends for my associate being a big old racist.

With
out
fail

Say my gfs name whilst watching tv, when she says 'yes Captain' I ask her to be quiet whilst my stories are on, sometimes with an added 'you dont see me talking during Eastenders' then fuck off upstairs in a pretend sulk.

Giggling in Tesco when the backdoor man is requested at the backdoor.

Everton FC have a player called Pienaar, I add an audible 'S' when his name is mentioned, thus turning it to Penis.

When mate is getting cash out lean over at the right time to press £200.

When I pot a ball in pool shout 180

That is off the top of my head.......I am such a child, if my cock refuses to grow up I dont see why I should
(CaptainSpunker, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:53, 3 replies)

I am currently in a conference call wearing a headset
During a bored moment 5 minutes ago I started sticking the "microphone mouth tube" up my nose to see how far it would go.

Until someone on the call asked the person with the "broken headset" to please drop off the call as noone could hear anything.

I had forgotten to mute the phone.

edit: almost 2 inches
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:41, 1 reply)

Evil or Childish...
Hello everyone - 1st time posted, so don't rub it in too much..

Dunno if this was childish or just plain evil, but one day I was thinking on how at least someone, sometime, somehow the world would remember me for the rest of eternity (well, at least a couple o' years or so). You know, typical philosophical crap that youngsters always worry about.

Just struck me in a flash; I tool the barf bag from the aeroplane and cut off the bottom of it (this was before ye couldn't bring a pair of scissors on the plane - my sis had a pair in her purse).

Of course I would never see the blokes face, but I can guarantee that he would remember me for the rest of his living days if he needed that bag... Worst thing is that I still do this and I'm 42 years old..
(LazyScumbag, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:33, 4 replies)

Night idiots
A couple of years ago a friend and i ended up doing a weeks worth of night-shifts together.As we were the only two people in the shop and both with single figure mental ages, much fucking about ensued.

I won't bore you with all the details, but highlights included:

Making suits of armour out cardboard boxes.

constructing a wall of boxes across an aisle,then crashing through it in a trolley,pretending to be the sweeney.

Randomly scaring the shit out of each other by jumping out of cupboards,creeping up or screaming over the tannoy.

Having most of a bottle of Ardbeg left over from a tasting table for lunch.Lunch being half two in the morning.

And finally,playing NWA over the tannoy at three in the morning,only to discover that you could hear it quite clearly outside the shop when we went for a smoke.

Got away with all of it.
(yob soddoth happiness is a Dane called Hamlet?, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:33, 1 reply)

Bogfright
1st QOTW post after much waiting!

back when i lived at home with the mam, dad and younger brother a favourite prank was hiding outside the toilet door while someone was in "doing their business". I would pin myself against the wall alongside the door giggling away silently (for stealth) and wait until they emerged, freshly refresherised and jump at them spouting forth such razer sharp witteries as MUUUURRRGH! and sometimes a BRRAAAAGH! for variety.

mostly the parents would give variations of "oh, you daft shite/sod/idiot" but my brother would turn a kind of albino shade of white and curl away from me lurching up on him with a manic grin.


i did this for many a year right up until i left home at 25 :-D think i might get the missus with this tonight
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:29, 4 replies)

Easy...
... I think now I prefer Duplo to ordinary Lego.

Duplo is the younger-age version of Lego.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:27, 1 reply)

SULKING
A great man once said: Most men find sex a frustrating hobby.

I tend to agree. Recently the good lady and I went on a night out. Drinking, dancing, arsing about – all good fun. As the night progressed my good lady started whispering complete and utter filth in my shell-like, the sort of stuff that would make a porn star blush and a randy mechant sailor run crying for his mummy. There was heavy emphasis on clits, suspenders, licking sweat off tits, and even the mention of some backdoor shenaningans. You could say I was well up for this.

After a few hours of hobbling round with a lazy lob on, my balls bluer than a couple of smurfs in a hammock, the good lady and I went back to the flat. Bit of kissing on the bed. The patent pending reach-round to have a go on her fur flaps through her knickers, and then something bloody awful happened. She was so fucking pissed she fell asleep. I gave her a friendly nudge, then a friendly slap, was considering a friendly punch but thought this would be taking it a little too far. So I stripped her down and put the duvet over her and stalked off to watch a bit of TV and sink a few more beers – I would definately not be sinking the pink torpedoe anywhere near her meaty Bismark tonight, not a fucking chance.

Apparently the next morning when the girlfriend came awake I was being a little childish. I was having what child psycologists might call ‘a bit of a paddy-bender attack’. I was sulking. Bottom lip stuck out, arms crossed, being a complete and utter fucking cunty fuckwit. Things were said that shouldn’t have been said.

Fastforward to our latest visit to the fertitliy doctors, we have a great meeting with the friendly old fella who’s helping knock my girlfriend up (by giving advice and drugs, not a sneaky meat injection behind the examination curtains), and when it gets to the any other questions part, my girlfriend says:

“As a matter of fact, doctor – something came up the other night. Just wonder if you could clarify something for us.” I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. I tend to have the human memory equivalent of a goldfish with alzheimer’s. “Is it in fact possible that a man can die if he gets sexually excited and doesn’t ejaculate?”

The doctor stared for a beat, then said: “No, that’s nonsense.”

My girlfriend turned to me and with a grin said: “See. I told you you were making that up.”

So if you’re on a promise and that promise ends up face down asleep after one too many Jack Daniel and cokes, don’t act like a fucking child. Do the decent, honorable, normal thing and have a quick wank instead.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:15, 8 replies)

An elegant weapon for a more civilised age
Bought my son a plastic lightsabre for his birthday. Spent happy half-hour battling him before uttering the words I have waited a lifetime to say: "I *am* your father."
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:14, 5 replies)

My girlfriend nearly stabbed me
Just before Xmas last year and I'm in the loft searching out the decorations as ordered. I discover the Father Christmas costume left by her twat of an ex. What to do with it????
I put it on and then head downstairs, burst into the living room and surprise the 15 year old boy and his mate playing on the Wii to much hur hurring..... so far so good!
Next up, my darling missus............ I check around the door and she's happily doing some food preparation. I rush into the kitchen and across to her bellowing "Mwah ha ha ha ha" and grab her from behind and have a good grope:-)
Alas the shrieking is not laughter and I've got a 12 inch chopping knife waving at me folllowed by.... "Bastard! I think I've wee'd myself"
I have to believe her too, she went straight off to the loo?
(verynaughtyboy, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:09, Reply)

Shopping
The wife was dragging me and the kids round Tesco a couple of weeks ago. On the way through the veg area, I picked up some loose spuds and quietly dropped them in the trolley. Next it was off to the clothing area, so the wife could touch the precious things.

Meanwhile I spent a happy ten minutes ramming spuds into the toes of fluffeh slippers and wedging them into the pockets of cardigans. Obviously, I was encouraging the kids to join in, but they wouldn't play.

So if you bought some clothing from Shepton Mallet Tesco in the last week or so and when you got home found a rotting potato festering in your new purchase, then sorry.

Mind you, it's actually quite likely most of the drooling inbreds of Shepton would just think it was some sort of Tesco 'buy any piece of clothing and get a free rotten potato' type deal. In fact, more likely they wouldn't know it was a potato as it wasn't crinkle cut.

I am forty - do I get a lollipop for being good?
(Juan - King of Donkeys shut the fuck up on, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:00, 2 replies)

A fishing rod, a giant plastic spider and a tall building
Need I say more?

(I find having a small gutter in which to drop the 'bait', waiting for your victim, amplifies the result)



Others;
My cupboard, filled with star wars toys I can't bring myself to give to my children.

I enjoy watching The Incredibles more than a four year old does.

When we jump in puddles, we do it to the MAX.

And one of my favorites from my sister; Whilst queing behind a cantankerous old git, who was moaning about my mother and sister about something or other, they both turn to each other and in unison go oooOOOoo and burst out laughing. Best put down ever.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 15:59, Reply)

I had an hour long shit
Just to boast about it
(Freddles, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 15:52, 1 reply)

I once went on a blind date
didn't like the girl so pretended to have tourette's for the ten minutes it took for her to decide to fake an important phone call.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 15:46, Reply)

I just ate an orange at my desk...
... Then I made Dracula-esque fangs and wandered around trying to get people to ask me something. Most people looked on tutting, some found it slightly amusing, that'll do for me!
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Tue 22 Sep 2009, 15:39, Reply)

I see a pattern here...
I was out to dinner with my daughter one night and there was a wait to get a table, so they gave us a little pager to let us know when to come back. We sat down on a bench, and I looked at the pager. It bore a definite resemblance to a TV remote.

I pointed this out to my daughter, then pretended to point it at her and click. "I was seeing if I cold change the channel and turn you into your brother." I then pointed it at a rather chubby and plain girl who was standing at the hostess desk. "Maybe I can decrease her volume? If nothing else I can increase her sharpness-"

My daughter snatched it out of my hand and refused to give it back to me.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 22 Sep 2009, 15:37, Reply)

Orrery
My mother has, until recently, been receiving a magazine that comes with the parts of an Orrery that you build yourself (possibly called I Love Orrery's, from D'Agostini).

Knowing a little as I do about the world and our universe we've had many an interesting and informatative conversation about the last few months worth of magazines. Until she mentions Uranus, at which point I do my best Beavis and Butthead guffaw.

The single best bit is she rolls her eyes and looks over at my dad for support, only to find he's creased over too. Every time.

Combined age of over 100 years old and we still giggle like children at Uranus.
(Shifty weeeee, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 15:31, 2 replies)