A couple of years ago
at a party my aunt and uncle were randomly having during the summer, my cousin was running around naked when he proceeded to squat down and take a shit, a fucking SHIT, on the grass, and continue running around like a madman!

Fucking nutter two year olds.
(ratthingbazzterd, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 19:54, Reply)

Personally I can't wait to earn the "Crazy Relative" status myself :)
Lots of posts about negative things about them here, some of the things they can get away with are awesome :D

For example, it's totally acceptable to piss on your own foot. No quibble from anyone if you missed the seat. Also spitting your teeth out into the sunday roast is a right laff too :D

I saw one old bloke get on an almost empty bus (except for one girl and me) and sat right next to her leaving all the other seats vacant, and one girl shitting herself. To make things worse, he then turns his head slowly to the right to look straight at her and smiles happily to her, while she looks around the bus for help terrified. See? Right laffs :D

I'm gonna make me a list of things I want to get away with if I make it to me Seventies....oh I cannae wait :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 19:27, Reply)

My mother is Bat-shit stir-crazy...
So, I told my dear loopy mother [yes, the one responsible for claiming New Orleans would never need to flush their toilets again] the following joke from Sickipedia:

"Did you hear Burger King are doing a 9/11 commemoration meal?

You get two flaming whoppers and a big apple crumble."

Her response?

"Ohwell, they'll go down a treat...if they're reasonably priced..."

She's as mad as a box of pelicans, I swear to Christ.
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 16:45, Reply)

Inevitability. You try and live with it.
All the males on both sides of my family, as far as we can go back/find records for, dies of alcoholism, insanity, or a mixture of the two. Google Richard Trevithick, as an example. Pneumonia, they called it...Ha! Also, I am the first we can find that was not born on a Friday the Thirteenth. I was born on a Tuesday.
(dadadali has hybrid vigour, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 16:13, Reply)

The Barley Wine Gang
My Grandma has been a character all her life. Never leaving the Blackpoole area, she comes up with schemes to make money and each one normally ends up with her...
a) Loosing money
b) Being arrested
c) Having a kid

When somethings going on we don't hear from her for a couple of weeks, then we find out about the problem and normally bail her out.

So it was a friday night about 3 years ago, we hadn't heard from her in two weeks, something was up. Her phone was off the hook, no letters, nothing. I switch on the telly and turn to "Have I Got News For You". Normal stuff, then they get to the spinning headlines round. Up on the screen comes the headline "Operation blue rinse". The story, a group of old ladies, who were dubbed "The Barley Wine Gang", set up a stealing ring in Blackpoole. They organized steal-to-order items and lists, and then sent in their team of sons and friends to burgle the required areas. Turned out my Gran was the head of this ring. We didn't know about it until we looked it up on the net, after the show.

Didn't really surprise us.
(Superhappypanda, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 16:08, Reply)

Appalachians
My sister married an American. To be specific, she married an Appalachian - those mountain men made famous in Deliverance for their one-eyed banjo playing and sodomy. Of course, it's not as bad as it used to be, but it's still pretty bad.

There's a long tradition of inter-marriage in the family - so much so that some people send themselves father's day cards. There has been a certain amount of genetic degeneration. Uncle Cletus has an eye in the middle of his forehead, and at least two of the wives (also sisters) have goggly eyes and exaggerated foreheads.

This all pales into banality when you learn about 'grandpaw Hick'ry' He stills lives in the woods with his pigs and refuses to admit that it's the 21st century. He has a TV, but he has pasted a picture from Playboy over the screen and watches it fade year after year as he manipulates with withered cock. Pigs walk around the house and neither granpaw or the swine have washed for some time.

He was invited to the wedding and turned up wearing a waxed-cotton rain smock covered in pigshit. Though he did bring a present - a pipe he had whittled from a sycamore root. Neither the bride or groom smoke. Thats just as well because the bowl of the pipe featured - in loving detail - the love that blossoms between man and swine . At the reception, he washed his hands in the punch and violated one of the pageboys with a dessert spoon.

One stereotype does hold true. The whole family plays the banjo. Indeed, they have their own 14-strong banjo orchestra and play at venues around the town. Their repertoire includes such classic film themes as "Dances with Wolves," the theme from "Rocky" and the Elvis catalogue. My sister is learning.
(frankspencer, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 16:07, Reply)

My uncle Sid...
..was an engineer at Fords so he knew his way round a car. One day, however, his beloved VW camper van finally gave up its last ghost. Try as he might, he couldn't get it going. He called his brother to see if he could help (he was also a mechanic) but even with the two of them on the case there was no joy. After discussing the possibilities for a couple of hours (over many, many cold beers), Sid and his brother agreed that the van was properly dead. At this point they decided, with the ineffable wisdom of the truly hammered, that since it was dead, a proper Christian burial was in order.

They rolled the van into the garage and, over that afternoon and the next day, dug a huge pit in the back garden of Sid's house, complete with a slope at one end. When it was deep enough, they rolled the van into it, put the windows through, filled it with dirt and buried it - carefully replacing the turf afterwards. My Auntie ended up with the biggest rockeries and flowerbeds in Dagenham. As far as we know it's still there now (Sid and Margaret have both long since passed on, sadly). Whoever lives there now has no idea what's lurking a foot below the lawn, but heaven help whoever decides to build an extension on the back. And as for what the archaeologists of the future will make of it...
(spratty last did something indefensible on, or about, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 15:36, Reply)

That's where you're wrong Friz
;-)
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 15:17, Reply)

My sisters crazy
She never swallows :(
( __, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 15:11, Reply)

My Dad went shopping
Drove off, heading for Sainsbury's. Came back 3 minutes later.

Him: "I took the spare car keys by mistake."

Me: "Does it matter?"

Him: (as if I'm an idiot) "They're the SPARE KEYS!"

Me: Yes, I got that, but why does it matter?

Him: (now almost apoplectic) "THEY'RE THE SPARES!!!"

And off he goes in a huff. With the 'right' keys this time.

Who knows?
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 14:39, Reply)

none of my family
are entertainingly mad, just maddening.

but some of my friends have outstandingly stupid or weird relatives. sam the tamponqueen/canarykiller is a prime example. her dad was a great bloke but he was absolutely barking mad. dagenham mad more like, being several stops up from barking. he had moved up from london to manchester on the run from the mob in the 40's and he never paid for anything in his entire life.

we were in london once and we wandered past the savoy. sam said, we stayed there when i was little. yeah yeah, i replied, of course you did.

no, we really did, sam insisted. my dad couldn't pay the bill at the end and they called the police...

two minutes later, a red routemaster went past. my dad had one of those, sam said. he converted it into a fish and chip shop.

er, no he DIDN'T, i replied.

no, he really did, sam insisted. he only took it to one football match, then got bored. he put it in storage. then he didn't pay the bill so the garage sold it...

she also has a full leatherbound gold tooled set of encyclopaedias engraved "love from daddy" for which he never paid. their house was full of things that he had started and never finished, like random light switches all over the room (27 in her bedroom) for a gallery that he never opened, or the foundations for a conservatory that he never built.

RIP, you were a legend!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 14:06, Reply)

I once happened across two of my ex-babysitters
when my family went round to friends for tea.
There I met their mother. She is known for having the logical rationale of a cocker spaniel.
We somehow got on to the subject of my driving lessons, and the conversation went thusly:
Her: So how's the driving going?
Me (sarcasticly): Oh, pretty well actually, I've been dowgraded from 'Danger to society' to just a 'public nuisance'.
Everybody except her laughs gently at this most whimsical of jokes...
Her: Really? They never had those ratings in my day! How do they work them out?
Titters eminate from everyone else in the room, as I see how far I can push it...
Me: It's worked out from the square of how many people you kill, divided by how fast you were going on average.
Her: That's awful...
At this point, one of her daughters whispers something in her ear;
Her: OH! You were joking!
At the time, I was thinking if evolution were to ever make sense again, her husband must be a rocket engineer in order for her daughters to have the acceptable level of brain power that they have.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 13:37, Reply)

I can't resist.
Over-qualified as my family might be for this QOTW, my grandmother is one of the less scary and more amusing of them.

As I've mentioned before, she asked me to give her great-grandchildren for her birthday. With a week's notice.
If that wasn't bad enough, she refused to talk to me for about a fortnight after the great-grandchildren didn't appear on her big day.
When she finally spoke to me, she said, "Sarenka, you find a nice Polish boy and marry, yes? Maybe babies for my next birthday!"

Then there's her infatuation with my brother in-law's grandfather. She's absolutely smitten with him. So while she's making eyes at him and flirting shamelessly, his wife is all but spitting and snarling at her.
Ahh, elderly love. So cute.

But the best of her exploits is the vendetta in her nursing home.
My grandmother, a WWII vintage Pole and a German woman of the same era are in rooms next to each other.
Of course, they attempt to sabotage each other, from stealing socks and nighties to dismantling walking frames.
And there's nothing like seeing an 80-something woman screaming, "Spierdalaj kurwa" (Fuck off, whore) at the top of her lungs.
But it's alright, the German woman's no better. She general screams back some of the more well know Nazi phrases and goose-steps around.

I'm waiting for the inevitable catfight they're going to have.
( is0lati0n, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 12:15, Reply)

Joey Stall
You obviously are too caught up in whatever little problems you may have to realise that I was most certainly NOT talking about people with ACTUAL PROBLEMS. In fact, my entire post was based on those people who just need to talk about how MAD they are to try and get some attention - not mad like, let's lock them up because they have a real disorder, but mad like, oh, what's he doing?? Never mind, that's *......* he's MAD!!!

So jump down from your incredibly high horse, break your legs and learn to read (and if needed, clarify a point) before going off on somone.

Thank you, and goodnight x

Apologies for how small his cock must be...

P.S. I think you'll find, it's "you're". and not "your", and "they're" insead of "their". Please make sure you know what words mean before you use them.
(fishyfishyfishyoooh Tonight I will be Miss Saigon, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 12:03, Reply)

Err . . .
My family's Greek . . . to those of you who know what the average extended hellenic clan is like, I need not say anything further.
For the rest of you . . .

Craziness I

I am the only female grandchild on my father's side of the family - I also share my grandmother's name. My birth was received by my (late) grandmother with tears.
Were these tears of joy, happiness that her son had produced his first child?






Hmmm, that would be no - she was miserable that Dad had a daughter - who would need to be married off, complete with dowry.
(You read that right - dowry - I was born in suburban Melbourne in 1975).
( Mrs Legless . . . belongs to, well, you know . . . :), Mon 9 Jul 2007, 11:44, Reply)

Uncle Auntie
I won't give names in order to protect the guilty...but anyway, my ex-nun auntie married a rather well-built chap (you know the type, pronounced adam's apple, well-built, skinheaded looks like he'd be handy in a fight) and they live on a bus together. After a while they split up - she becomes a lesbian and he decides to become a woman.

Now you can get surgery on the NHS, but in order to receive it you have to live as a woman for several years. So Uncle Auntie does this - in spite of having a pronounce adams apple, a five o'clock shadow and the physical presence of a bouncer.

Now he's done the time and (as the family legend goes) Uncle Auntie is in the hospital, getting prepped for his treatment. Then comes in a very important piece of news - his father has passed away unexpectedly.

With this news he gets out of bed and walks off, a man again. If he had got the news but hours later the job would have been done and he would never have been able to go back.

Who'd have believed it...
(lozatron, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 11:42, Reply)

My Grandmother Hates Everyone. It's What She Does.
My grandmother has been jaded in terms of any family member getting into a relationship for quite a while. I'd say she gave up in terms of finding a partner in her 30s and is getting close to 70 as I type. She has jet black hair, with a pale and cold face that reminds people of winter. She always sits with her legs akimbo, her immense stomach pulled through this gap by gravity, to the extent that her elbows always dig into her knees as a type of support to keep herself from falling forwards. Anyway, she was very upset to be losing her "little boy to a money-grabbing whore" and was especially frightened after I remarked I'd end up living near New York to be with my charming other half.

"New York? Oh no! You'd better be careful there!"
"Oh no? Why not, Nan?"
"Because of the crocodiles!"
"The crocodiles?"
"Yes! There's an alleyway in New York somewhere, where crocodiles come out of the manholes and drag people down to the sewers and eat them. Crocodile Alley, it's called."

Cue a conversation for a good ten minutes about how New York wouldn't be such a thriving tourist destination if the average tourist had a chance of death by alligator, and her eventual admission that she was watching the news, may have drifted off, and may have woke up near the end of a film with a crocodile, and may have linked the two clips together.

Thankfully, I didn't get crocoraped and moved out towards Washington state, which is one of the more northwest states. Right next to Canada, in fact.

"Ooh! Canada! Oh no! Watch out there!"
"Why's that, nan?"
"Because of the students!"
"The students. Why are they so bad?"
"I watched a documentary and every student in Canada is gay or lesbian!"
"Okay. And this makes it a bad place?"
"Yes! How are you going to find male friends in Canada when they get you drunk and want to grab onto your winky?"

Cue a ten minute conversation about the evil student men who love to grab winkies and jerk off people anywhere they can get away with it.

"They don't try it in America because they've got guns."

Nan swears to her grave that the documentary told her that students can work themselves gay.

She also had a game which she'd play when she wanted me to go over the road and get her some shopping. She'd give me five pounds if I'd pick up something she hadn't put on her shopping list, so long as she liked my choice. I essentially had to make an impulse purchase for her to gain extra pocket money for myself. Sometimes she'd tell me she hated my offering, but would play a double-or-nothing round and invite me to go back and buy what she really wanted. These items were typically things she didn't want at all, she just wanted to embarrass me. A test of my bravery and/or my greed; my true colours.

It still haunts me that I was so desperate for money that the first time I bought condoms, aged a tender 14, I didn't use them. The conversation led into me explaining to the friendly shopkeep that these condoms were not for me, but for my withering grandmother instead. The ten pounds was spent well before the ridicule slowed down.

I've got to be grateful that she taught me that money wasn't everything, at least.

I'd apologise for the length, but if you've got it, flaunt it.
(Master Kazoo é?, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 11:41, Reply)

Crazy Relatives
My Grandfather was denied a firearms license when, on the application form, he answered the question "Do you trust yourself not to use a firearm in anger" with a tick in the "no" box.

Perfectly sane.
(nobuttocks last besmirched the internet on, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 11:37, Reply)

i could post these all day...
at other daughter's wedding my future father-in-law had laminated a copy of his speech in case anything got spilt on it... then complained because the light above him was shining on it making it impossible to read.

the solution..?

at our wedding, he's going to have two copies... one laminated, one not!
(secretsquirrel, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 11:32, Reply)

cat platform
also, future father-in-law constructed a kind of ramp from leftover bits of wood in the garden leading up to a platform he built at the top of the fence... "so the cat can sit on it and greet me home from work"

...the cat's never been near it.
(secretsquirrel, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 11:24, Reply)

Dotty Aunts
My auntie is rather batty. She loves holding big family get-togethers where she always cooks huge amounts of food, which is great. At one of these, everybody was chattering away happily when she bursts into the room in a fit of excitement. "Listen!" she shouts, as if she's got some hugely important news to impart. Everybody goes quiet.

"I've got some mangoes in the fridge!"
(moogal has eggs, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 11:20, Reply)

My uncie
My Uncle is now my Auntie. Need I say more?

And No - Mr Sceptic - I didn't just make this up for B3ta. (S)he really is, and the situation is a lot more complex than funny. Although, that's not to say we don't laugh about it. A lot.
(Flickr_Freak is a figment of your imagination., Mon 9 Jul 2007, 11:20, Reply)

not my relative... yet
shouldn't really be posting this, as the the soon to be mrs squirrel won't be happy about it. anyways...

the man i will soon be calling father-in-law has provided me with a multitude of tales to post here.

like the time he taped tin foil behind his letter box before he took the family away on holiday "in case anyone tried to deliver a letter bomb"

(i have no idea either)
(secretsquirrel, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 11:20, Reply)

My Uncle Len

claims that he had sex with Janis Joplin. He reckons she wanted another kind of lover, so he wore a mask for her. He also says he knew she was half-crazy, but that's why he wanted to be there.

Click 'I like this' if you remember me well at the Chelsea Hotel.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 11:06, Reply)

Most of my family are at least odd...
some are a bit more. most seem to be passed down the female lineage.

My gran has no concept of anything other than playing cards, tea, cakes and generally making us all eat. This then leaves her massively dappy. She kept calling my 5 year old cousin a Dildo as she heard someone use it in the contect of "twit". When we stopped rolling around to tell her, she said "no wonder the old woman at the bus stop looked really shocked when i called her it for dropping her bus pass". "and the man at the bank" "and the nice policeman i asked the time as i had been a dildo and forgotten my watch"

My mum is getting it, and coupled with he developing OCD is near impossible to have a conversation with! As much as we love her.

My sister has it coming and is not pleased.

My nan wouldn't let the family watch ITV from about 1979 til 1995. It was not the BBC, therefore it was "putrid filth". Especially Benny hill. And she wouldn't buy her council house for 25k (she had rented it for 45 years) as "she wouldn't own the walls either side". It was a terraced house. She then rented for another 12 years........

My Aunt has been caught with large amounts of drugs, plates for making money and was under police surveillance for making pornos (not starring anymore) at her house.
She also got my cousin nicked, then let off, for 200 oz of canabis resin. yes the number is correct. She has no passport now as the investigation looms onwards..... just in case she uses a one way ticket she bought.
yet when she see's me or my mum and dad - she pretends we don't know and acts all normal.

Family parties are always interesting.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Mon 9 Jul 2007, 10:58, Reply)

Antichrist...
My sister is indeed the antichrist.

People wonder why I don't speak to her anymore, here is a list of her achievements:

- Tipping a boiling bowl of soup over my arm when I was 2 and claiming I did it to myself. My parents thing I did; I'm certain that bitch did it.

- Repeatedly throwing a sweeping brush off a hotel balcony at people below and blaming me for it so I would get smacked, again when I was 2. (My father caught her out)

- Encouraging me to run across a motorway when I was 5.

- Falsely accusing 5 separate men of raping her, including my father.

- Attempting to murder her ex-boyfriend by poisoning and suffercation, and then arranging to have his legs broken after failing.

- Neglecting 5 children to the point where they have been taken from her and adopted, with the rest of the family now having no contact (all separate fathers by the way).

- Prostituting herself

- Having sex with underage boys

- Being the Queen of STDS.


She is indeed a psycho. I want no contact with her.
( Regger, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 10:47, Reply)

A few from my family
Sister: In her own mind, she is never wrong. Always complained when brother brought orange juice in to the lounge room as it might be spilt. When she got caught with milk in the lounge room, she claimed that "Milk is not as bad as orange juice because it doesn't stain, it just bleaches."

Brother: While he doesn't do this anymore, when he was younger every time something went wrong he would blame it on the "Chinese Sumos."

Dad and Grandad: Every time they talk to someone in the family they have a tendancy to go through all of the names in the family before getting the right one. They said it's genetic.
(Berzerker, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 10:32, Reply)

My dad has a great perspective on films...
"Species is on tonight dad, any good?"

"That's the one with the bird in it."

Cheers dad, great help :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 7:57, Reply)

Let me in dammit!
My Father's sister won't let aanyone in her flat. So if you visit her she will make you stand in the 1.2metre passage, wether its raining, snowing or whatever. You will NOT go into the house.

She ruined the life of 2 cousins of mine. How?

Their father had died, and their mum was an alcoholic who was abusive. one night she went nuts and they ran round the corner to the nutcase, begging for her to stash them for the night, but she wouldn't let them in. She called the cops and they were taken to a home, where the boy was beaten and the girl got involved in the wrong crowd.

12 years later, he is in jail for possession of heroine, and she is a stripper. Great job there.
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 7:16, Reply)

Are all grans like this?
This woman is money crazy, Its like what makes her heart pump.
I was living with the grandparents and was expected to pay board. I never mentioned when I got paid, but was always greeted at the door on payday with my gran's palm straight up. She wouldn't let me in if I had no money.
NEVER go shopping with her. She buys all sorts of crap nobody needs, in case one day someone MIGHT need it cos it was on special. Then she will try sell it to you claiming she has no money and needs you to buy said tea pot cover/dog blanket/undersize women's slippers... Once, she loaded up a cart of groceries, spied us about to pay a the check out, darted like a 100m sprinter with the trolley to get in front of us. They put everythiugn through, then she claims she has no money and looked at us. I told her to sod off and she started crying.
If you are ever in a casino with coins in the basket below the slot machine, there will be a wrinkly hand stealing a handful from you. My gran.

The best though, was at the Durban July, the biggest Horse race of the year. I am sitting and 2 lovely ladies approach me to join me at the table. as the hotter one was about to sit, again, athletic (yet constantly sickly and can't walk up stairs) gran pops into the chair under her, cue the young lass sitting on her lap. Completely ruined my chances....

Now my mother is becoming like that too.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 7:07, Reply)