Jabba the slut
Wow I haven't posted here since I was still in school, but rediscovered this site recently and have been pissing myself laughing at all the stories so I thought I'd re-join the festivities..

My first major breakup was unintentional. I was seeing this girl called Chloe, mixed-race white and persian, blue eyes, curly hair, nice body, bit chavvy, but a real looker. She was at the time a college student of meagre means and as such she lived in a hostel, sharing a flat with a gargantuan whale-beast named Hailey. Hailey had a weight problem - by this I don't just mean she was fat, I mean when she lay on a bed she looked like a fucking pancake. Hailey is the main occupant of this here tale, for Hailey was a ravenous beastie and would try to make a pass at me whenever Chloe left the room. The choice was between a girl who looked like a Bond girl in a towel and a girl who was literally two of me. I let her down gently at first and more forcefully later; I ended up having to tell Chloe who burst into tears at her friend's betrayal, begging her to stop. Hailey promised to. She didn't.

This wouldn't have been such a problem except that Hailey never left the single-living area flat. To be fair it was originally her flat, but come on... No matter how much coaxing and coercing we did, (which extended to even buying her tickets to go out to her favourite club) she would not leave the place, perhaps for fear of encountering water and melting into a Loch-nessian pool of oozing slime. On that occasion with the tickets the daft beastie necked 6 speed tabs promising to go out for the next 2 hours. I then foolishly let her smoke a bit of homegrown and she promptly began spazzing in and out for ages, flopping about and speaking in a strange garbled dialect unrecognizable as English; her speech not unlike that of a famous tyrannical Star Wars character. Poor Chloe rushed around after her all that time, whilst I managed to muster a look of grievous concern as I tried not to piss myself. Given that I was still a virgin at this time I could have killed her - had I not been trying so hard not to laugh at the image that kept springing to mind. From that day forth she was known (in my head) as Jabba the slut.

As you can guess she was the principal cause behind the ending of this blossoming relationship. Finally after all the graft and long struggle it was the day - I could feel it. It was the day I traded in my V-plates and became a man. Chloe answered the door still wet from the shower, hair dripping and gave me a sexy hug. She dressed up barely hidden behind the makeshift screen of her towel and my, er... leg twitched nervously. We waved goodbye to the sad beast and headed out for an evening of fun and frolics. It was only in coming back that we encountered a problem. Having put 2+2 together it transpired that Chloe must've asked Hailey to leave the flat, so we could finally consummate our teenage lusts. What Hailey did instead was contact Chloe's older brother to tell him that his supposedly muslim little sister (Kaya was apparently her muslim/birth name) was out drinking and about to have sex with a boy. As such when we got back to the flat an outlandish scene was had, in which I couldn't even get into the room blocked at the door by Hailey. I eventually gave up promising to come back the next day. The next day never arrived. Chloe and Hailey had a massive bustup that night after which they were both ejected from the building. Chloe moved back in with her Muslim parents and I never saw her again. Hailey was hopefully run over by a truck, but I don't even fancy the truck's odds. This was my first encounter with the legendary female 'bitch', but definitely not the last.

Apologies for length, it runs in the family.
(Habacock, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 15:50, 25 replies)

That tune in 2001: A Space Odyssey is quite good.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 13:29, 6 replies)

Walking in on my friends shagging
I was at this party with a couple of friends, Debbie and Edward, who I lost pretty quickly, but oh well! After a couple of bevvies, I went off to find the loo, but got the wrong room, and walked into the bedroom, where Debbie and Edward were going at it like animals!

I'll never forget the time I saw Dee 'ump Ed...


...I'll get my coat.
(baldpig pee'd in your pool on, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 12:24, 6 replies)

MASSIVE DRUGS LULZ
Not so much being dumped, but I think it's worthy, so fuck you:

It was my first ever E, at a Reclaim The Streets gig in Kings Cross, and I went stratospheric - evinced by several people coming up to me smiling and enquiring "First time?"

She started stroking my bare back, while whispering pseudo-spiritual crap about auras and energy.

We end up sitting in the corner eating face, smoking, and drinking tea, and as daylight started to peep through the blacked-out windows, four of her mates turned up.

"We're going back to Reading now" they said.

She looked at them, she looked at me, and with dawning horror said "Erm ... ah ... right ... I, er ... would invite you back to mine, but, er ... I've heard that sex binds two souls together and I don't know about you but I'm bound to some people I really wish I wasn't, and, er ... so, er ... I'm going now. Bye!"

I was really quite flattered that she'd considered such an explanation necessary, and then immediately disturbed that she had done, as well.

An awesome gig, though - I think I left around 1130 in the morning.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 12:24, Reply)

I went out with someone who studied for a psychology degree.
We eventually broke up because we were several hundred miles apart and had grown apart and changed as a result of our adult lives taking us in different directions.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 11:58, 11 replies)

I dun a massive shit
and named it Edward.
(King Nightmare, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 11:50, 1 reply)

Her name was Shelly.
We were quite the item at school.

But I had to dump her when I found out she'd been showing her fanny for 5p a time behind the garages.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 11:04, 7 replies)

How the fuck are we supposed to make a pun
out of a one word question?
(username failed moderation, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:30, 6 replies)

I could list the bizarre, pathetic reasons for my ex dumping me four times,
but she'll probably recognise herself in this post as a result and kick off, so fuck it.

Suffice to say: don't date someone who's studying for a psychology degree, because your feelings are probably nothing more than coursework to her. Especially when her new best friend is a thoroughly nasty cow doing the same course and who appears to be gradually moulding your potential partner from the sweet college girl you knew years ago into another bunny-boiler like herself. Again, probably just coursework, then again she probably does it for fun.
( eXOBeX, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 7:04, 9 replies)

Like most adults I have been in a number of relationships which have ended.
LOL.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sun 6 Jan 2013, 22:44, 7 replies)

My wife dumped me for a fucking painter and decorator,
But I had the last laugh when I sang a song on Top of the pops with a paint bucket on my piano.
That fucking showed her.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sun 6 Jan 2013, 14:56, 3 replies)

"You know that time when you were rimming me and I farted and you still finished me off?"
"Yeah."
"I think I might have shat a bit."
"You did."
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 6 Jan 2013, 9:30, 18 replies)

“What’s the worst that could happen?”
I replied, to EVERY single person a spoke to. Because every single person I spoke to asked the same question:

“Don’t you think it’s a bit soon?”

I met the girl just after my birthday at the beginning of June. We met in a bar and she was in a relationship at the time. She initiated the whole thing by discreetly slipping me her number. From that point it was all a whirlwind. Meeting up secretly in supermarket car parks etc.

About 2 weeks later she finished her chap and began a relationship with me. Now I had heard all the jokes about bunny boilers and always told myself that I would see the signs. The reality is that the really mental ones are so mental that they seem totally normal until one day they just pull the rug from under you and you end up in twelve pieces inside a bin liner.

And so it came to be that after 2 months together, I had booked a holiday with her. A whole week on the island of Kos. Just me and her. Departing on our 3 month ‘anniversary’

Digressing slightly, she had chronic asthma. One of her lungs had collapsed during a serious asthma attack and she apparently only had partial capacity in one lung. She had tablets to take every day, plus inhalers and a machine that connected to a mask that people in hospital have when they need oxygen. I don’t really have any knowledge of things medical, so I was a little concerned about what to do if she should have an attack whilst we are abroad. She explained that she would be bringing all the medical equipment so it was ok.

What got me worried was that within 2 hours of arriving she had decided to buy a pack of cigarettes and started smoking around 20 a day. I expressed my concerns and in her defence I suppose I did get on her case about it, but I’m sure you can appreciate my anxiety.

The first 3 days were great and I was completely head over heels in love.

The next morning after a night of heavy drinking and filthy sex, the love of my life and I went down to the pool to relax. It wasn’t long after that she began feeling ill. Going through her symptoms it was clear that she had sun stroke. I sent her off to bed and went out in search of water and lucozade – the internationally recognised cure for such an ailment.

I administered the treatment and decided to read a book on the balcony in case she needed anything. A few hours later she felt better, but seemed to be angry with me. “What the fuck have I done?” I politely enquired. “You’re smothering me, I need space” was the response.

And with that, she got dressed and went.

Rather than chase after her I decided to send a text, again enquiring as to what the fuck was going on. Her reply was basically that she had decided that she had made a mistake and she didn’t want to be with me. But that she wanted to stay friends.

At the time I blamed myself. And I was upset. I can’t explain what happened to me, but I genuinely believed that I was at fault. She had befriended some people who were working there over the summer. For the remaining 4 nights and 3 days my holiday followed the same pattern:

5am. Wake up to the sound of banging on my door. Open to let pissed up psycho in who promptly went to bed.

11am. Psycho wakes up, gets showered and goes out for the day. Regrettably, I was still trying to win her over, and spent the day by the pool or in my room.

7pm. Psycho comes back to room, gets showered, tarted up, and goes out for the night.

This continued until we left for the airport. She barely spoke 2 words to me all the way home. It was only once I had got back into my house that reality set in and I realised how angry I should have been.

In the end she got back with her ex, and then once she got bored began trying to get back with me, only to be told to go fuck herself.

Apols for length. The story is 100% true and it’s the 1st time I have ever shared it. The events above happened 3 years ago and I haven’t seen her in a year or so.
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 20:55, 21 replies)

Oh, Cherie...
Cherie was her name... well, I thought it was, but I'd misheard her. It was Sharon. I saw her every morning on my way to work; she walking, me cycling past. One day I plucked up the courage to stop and talk to her; a few days later (unbelievably), she phoned me! We arranged to go out...

A few more days later, we went to the pub, where we sat and passed a couple of excruciatingly awkward hours with me trying to find things to talk about and her replying with a shrug of the shoulders and "I dunno" - even when I asked her what she wanted to drink... I may have actually manned up for a second and said "You must know what you want to drink!"... but I probably didn't, so scared was I of offending this (quite sexy) lady.

A few days later again, and I invited her round to mine for a few drinks and maybe watch a film or something ("or something", eh? Nudge nudge wink wink, say no more guv'nor!). Sadly, in the afternoon beforehand I made the mistake of eating a whole bag of dried apricots. By the time she arrived my guts were rolling around and grumbling like Gimli in a tumble-drier.
My planned evening of film, drinks, snog and maybe more actually became an evening of film, sweats, running to the toilet for another fizzy apricot bum-gravy episode, hoping it was the last, only to repeat a few minutes later.

She left when the film ended. At the door, I asked "Shall I call you?"

"No, I don't think so" came the predictable answer. I was well and truly dumped.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 20:50, 5 replies)

She said
"I love you, and I want to move in with you, and maybe marry you and bear your children - but there's one thing you HAVE to do before this relationship goes any further. You simply MUST get rid of all your Fall albums! Sell them, give them to charity, chuck them in the bin - just get rid of the fucking things! I simply cannot STAND the sound of that Marky Mark's voice ONE SECOND longer! So - it's me, or The Fall! Well?"

I simply walked over to my hi-fi, selected HEX ENDUCTION HOUR, and turned the volume up as far as I dared for the health of my floor-standing KEF Q-35s.

I therefore didn't hear what she said as she fled, fortunately.

I wonder why I am still single in my mid-forties?

You won't find anything more ridiculous, than this new profile
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wrong detail, become obsolete units surrounded by hail.
THE CLASSICAL!
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(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 20:34, 7 replies)

I have been dumped a few times
I found out 2 ex girlfriends found God and another one became a spiritual healer after dating me....must have been doing something wrong, or just dating insecure nutters.
I once got dumped after a 7 year relationship by text message, which was nice......
However I now am dating a lovely Cornish lass, who was rather timid and quiet when we first met, now she is rather feisty and tells me off in takeaways when i change my mind about what I want to eat... hahaha.. she is great.
( The invisible ham Fig rolls are the best, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 15:52, 6 replies)

Always The Same
I meet a girl, we get on, we start having sex - maybe move in together - then, after about 2 years, it starts...

"I want more from this relationship" she whines

"Like what?" I growl

"I wanna know your fucking name!!"

Women.

Cheers

Disclaimer. Stolen joke. Can't remember where I heard it....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 14:53, 5 replies)

First date.
I'd just passed my driving test and a girl at work asked me if I wanted to take her to the cinema. Keen to get my end away I obliged and the following Friday tried my best to clean out the bashed up Fiesta and off we went.

We arrived late, got some popcorn and drinks and headed into the screen where the film had already started (lights dimmed, trailers running). It was pretty packed but I spotted two seats near the back and began climbing the steps as quickly as I could... Unfortunately, in my haste my foot got caught on the step and I tripped, throwing popcorn and a full cup of Fanta all over a woman in the middle row.

The audience erupted with laughter as I tried my best to apologise to the drenched woman and her scary husband and my date offered to go to the toilets to retrieve some paper to dab the poor lady dry.

After about 45 minutes of stifled laughter and stares from the other cinema goers it was pretty clear that she wasn't coming back...

I still asked a member of staff to check the toilets before I left, just to make sure she hadn't actually been shunting out a particularly troublesome arse cactus throughout the film (which was wank).

Cheers.
(TheHunchback, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 13:16, 2 replies)

The most embarrassing place I had a dump was Trafalger Square, when I was caught short one evening.
I don't get invited to the mother in-law's Monopoly evenings anymore.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sat 5 Jan 2013, 13:02, 1 reply)

Made up her friend having an abortion as an excuse to run
After a long distance relationship our weekend together wasn't all it cracked up to be, apparently but luckily she had come prepared; give the signal to travelling friend and voila 'help me' the perfect preordained excuse via text message. I can't be blamed for my action afterwards; I still had the hotel booked for the next two days, what would you do?
(Revilo, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 7:02, 3 replies)

If you can't live without me, why were you not dead when I met you?
Is a question I asked the first Mrs B.
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 0:35, 6 replies)

My PC crashed today
I had a great time analyzing the memory dump file.
(D.I.pshit solved another case on, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 0:32, 2 replies)

wow! i've never had a pearoast before...
At uni, a girl who I had the misfortune of being drunk with and pulling, big mistake, asked me out in the kebab shop later that evening. I told her no. She asked again. I told her no. This went on for a while until I eventually caved, thinking, "well it's about to be the Easter holidays, I'll dump her without ever having seen her."

This was all well and good, and I got on the train the next morning home. A week of her texting, and me replying sporadically and ignoring her phone calls, I was thinking I was doing an ace job of putting her off me.

One evening, I did happen to answer her call, the conversation went something like this: Her “What are you up to?" Me “nothing much, working tonight, got tomorrow off, working the day after." Her “That’s good; I've booked a train to see you tomorrow!" Me"..." Her ”hello?" me"...Err, that sounds... nice..." Hang up. Me "Fuckbeans..."

The next day, she arrived, and I showed her round my home city (Oxford), doing my best to not give off 'I fancy you' vibes. These consisted of: Not touching her Answering her very abruptly Buying a drink and not offering her one This list is by no means exhaustive!

Anyway, come the evening, I take her to my place of work, in the hope that if we were surrounded by friends, then she wouldn't be able to get her lady claws into me. This worked, and I eventually had to take her to her train.

"Yay!" I think, "I have finally gotten rid of her"

Until I get a phone call ten minutes later, "The train you put me on is delayed, and I have to come back, which will be too late for the last train. Can I stay at yours?"

Of course, being a gent, I say this is fine, I don't want to leave a girl stranded in an unfamiliar city, no matter how little I want to go out with her. So I go and pick her up, and take her back to my house, where a couple of friends are waiting to laugh at me. The plan was to get her drunk so she passed out, and I didn't have to talk to her anymore. The plan worked a charm, and the next day I carted her off to the train station and got her on the correct train.

A few texts about how she enjoyed herself later, and I feel pretty pissed off, she should have hated it!

Then, one night I get a text.

Her “this isn't really working as well as it used to, is it?" Me “not really, although, I never really thought it was working" Her “well you could have said something earlier; anyway, it means I can make it official with someone here at home."

I left it at that. But it did make me feel slightly aggrieved, that while I was doing my best chauvinist pig routine, to get myself dumped, she was cheating on me!

The Bitch!

Length? About two weeks, sadly, at the time my longest ever relationship, even though I spent the whole time trying to get dumped...
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Sat 5 Jan 2013, 0:31, 12 replies)

I dun a poo.

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Fri 4 Jan 2013, 21:58, 3 replies)

Dental nurse. She was a virgin.

I saw her for a bit trying to pop her cherry... and then got bored and 'shopped around' a bit. During this time, found out she was doing the same so I just stopped talking with her or seeing her. 2 years later she 'shows up' at a night out.. I found out she'd been asking people where I drank and socialized, and also her fella had dumped her because she wouldn't give out.
She was obviously determined to lose her virginity to get back at her ex, (48 mins from 'hello' to 'dress on bedroom floor') so I did the honorable thing and took it like candy from a baby. Afterwards, we sat in my living room whilst she cried a lot, and then said 'I think I love you'. My mind went into panic mode, and I just laughed my ass off. Then she became hysterical, and the only thing I could think of was to talk to her about what her problems were. 5 fucking hours later, I brought her round to the idea that it wasn't really a big thing, and that the best thing for her would be to calm the fuck down, clean herself up, (cum stains etc..) and talk to her ex about letting him have a go on her lady garden.
Now, she's married to him and they have 3 kids. Yeah I know, right?
(bangthedrum, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 21:39, 35 replies)

I went down the dump yesterday afternoon.
As a twenty-something I still get as excited about going to the dump as I did when I was five. "Why?" you may ask.... Because the dump has fucking DIGGERS. Do I really need to say any more?
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 20:22, 4 replies)

I was dumped.
Then I met someone else, so it was fine.
( 4Q just lurking, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 18:53, 2 replies)

She was a bit kinky and wanted to have sex in the car
But I didn't fancy taking her up the ring road.
( Ghoti Fingers, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 18:50, Reply)