most accident prone girl eva!
1) got hit by a car in the arse, which inevitably saved me from anything more than scrapes and bruises - the car came off worse!

2)passed out and put my teeth through my lip breaking my teeth in the process, the swelling was incredible. the scars pretty impressive tho

3) jumped off a stool and slipped on a piece of paper ended up breaking my wrist


yes im very accident prone and cld probably injure myself in a safety bubble...
my brother also threw me threw our glass front door
(sugarplum, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:59, Reply)

not me but...
a friend of mine decided he was going to hang on and ride the bumper of a moving car. He didn't stay too long as he fell off and promptly broke both his arms. He still had use of his hands, his wrists still worked so he spent alot of time online in chat rooms for a while.
(ShigTheNewt isn't funny. -_-, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:58, Reply)

not embarrasing, but cool
1. when i was about 6, me and my sister were colouring away, when i stole the brown pencil out of her hand. She promptly grabbed the blue pencil crayon and stabbed me in the cheek, the lead broke off, about half a centimetre away from my eyeball.

I've still got a small blue tattoo now, 12 years later.

2. I fell off the top of a tree and broke both my legs.

3. During a game of keepy-uppys in the back garden, which is at a slghtly higher ground level than my house, i fell backwards through the kitchen window and into the sink. Whilst my mum was wahing up.

4. One of my friends taped a big square battery in my toilet, the fucker, when i pissed i was shocked.

5. I dislocated my jaw trying to prove that jawbreakers dont break your jaw to my sister.

6. Going back to my post on dating disasters, i was on a date, and raced my now-ex to wherever it was and twatted the curb and fell on my face, grazing all my head, and nearly knocking out my 2 front teeth.

7. Remembered another! I drank out of an orange juice carton and got stung 4 times inside my bottom lip by a big wasp, fucker. Got free ice-cream though.

Length is paramount
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:57, Reply)

Drunken paranoia
Drunk on the swings just before my 18th birthday with a load of mates.

I decided to go for a walk to sober up a bit, on on my walk I see some people walking the other way and decide that they're out to mug me, don't ask me why beer paranoia I guess...

So to their surprise, I run shouting away from them. In the dark I can see some iron railings ahead and decide if I summersult over them the "muggers" will think I'm "really hard" and not attempt to mug me...

So I plant hands firmly on the top of the railings, jump, bring my legs round start to turn over the bar, suddenly realise that the railings go beneath the bar and at that point things go blank...

When I later found my friends I was covered in blood and mud and was mumbling about being mugged. Eventually they piece together my ramblings enough to figure out what happened and spend the rest of the evening laughing at me.

I still have a scar just between my eyes...

I make no appologies for length ever.
(nebbie, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:46, Reply)

not me....luckily
but heard of a couple who got stuch together for hours - the more he tried to withdraw so to speak the more swolen his member became. in the end they had to call the paramedics. after trying a few embarassing manouvers and thinking of tractors etc the eventually had to sedate the man to get them apart. bet the paramedics had a few laughs about that one. must have been well endowed!!!

first post ever yay!!!
( catswhiskers the cats mother, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:39, Reply)

Friends are great for stories
I don't get injured too much, but this happened to my friend:

He was at the lake swimming, as people do at the lake. Then he started to hear the jaws theme. ok, maybe he didn't, but he should have. Because as he was swimming without a care in the world, a fish swam from the deep and thinking it must have been some bug, bit him in the nipple. At this part of the story I was laughing histarically. But the story continues. Because the next day, just when he thought it was safe to go back in the water the same incident happened again. Again, in the nipple. Now im not saying it was the same fish, but I think that lake has a monster that may rival Loch Ness.
(Philosophacles Now is my chance to be funny, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:37, Reply)

A doctor I know
had a patient come in with his girlfriend.

The receptionist asked him, would you like to take a seat?

The man said no. Then the receptionist noticed the enormous cucumber poking out from his trousers.

It was stuck in his sphincter.
(ProudClod, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:26, Reply)

hm...back-breaking labour...
whilst i was working as a construction...worker, i decided to slide down a railing, but the fact it was full of nails jotting out everywhere, it didnt suprise me, until i felt it.. my mate were splitting their guts all over the place, coz i fell over backwards and broke me back -_-
(Ireul, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:24, Reply)

Ahhh, rember it like it was only yesturday as oposed to 4 years ago....
I was bending some plastic in Technology on one of those strip bender things WITH my hair tied up, the careful gal I am, when I noticed a funny burning smell. Looked to my left to see that a strand of my quite long hair was quietly simmering on the very hot strip bender. So, in panic, I hit it out which butnt my hand, which, thankfully, didn't scar but bloody hurt!
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:10, Reply)

Apologies for length.
When I was about 6 I got into a fight with my sister, who is 8 years my senior. When I went to kick her she grabbed my foot and pushed backwards, I fell onto our metal TV stand and cut from the base of my spine to that lump at the bottom of your neck...It makes the best scar!

Around the same age, I used to let the dogs into the garden in the morning, to add a little danger I would see how long I could keep my hand in the path of the sliding door as it closed...It was only a matter of time until I lost a fingernail...but it happened on Christmas Day.

A couple of years later we went camping in France, I was on the swing and some "cool" teenagers came along and swang about with no hands. Of course, being young and impressionable I tried to copy, but ended up flipping over backwards and landing on a rather large piece of flint, which stuck in my back.

Last one. The day after my BCG (immunisation jab) at school 2 years ago, I got into a fight with someone who resorted to using a pencil to attack me. It got me right on the BCG hole and the pencil lead snapped off inside, I pulled it out a couple of months ago, but it's made its' mark.
(SpookTheHamster, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:00, Reply)

hardly amusing, but what the hell
Crawled out of bed one morning for work, feeling a bit flu-y and decided to have a shave and shower at the same time.

So I slapped on the shaving gel, not quite awake, and grabbed a new razor with one one those lubricating strips.

Shave shave shave.

Now I tend to try to shave closely... in my sleepy state, I "over lubed" my upper lip. The razor slips, I feel a sharp pain, and off comes half my nose inside the razor; blood squirting everywhere. The blood poured out for a good three or four hours.

Phoned into work sick, and went back to bed; I had a feeling it was going to be a bad day.

Still, I was able to go back to work the next day looking like Daniella Westbrook.
( Reckless_Rik, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:38, Reply)

Absolutely apocryphal, probably, but
a medic friend at college once talk me about an elderly gent who'd appeared in casualty one day in an ambulance. He was very polite, and explained very clearly to the nurse that he'd inserted an object into his rectum in an attempt to relieve the pain of an ongoing hernia problem. There are apparently procedures for the removal of such things, so very quickly a nurse and doctor team were busy with the forceps. They were a little shocked when they removed seemed to be an artillery shell of some kind, but the old gent said it was a war memento from when he was an anti-aircraft gunner. It was a training round, he said, and therefore he'd kept it on his desk for the last fifty years as a paperweight, and when the pain had started it has the nearest thing to hand. The patient, much relieved, was carted off for observation. In the meantime the shell had fallen over on a bench in the consulting room, and the triage nurse returned to find a foot-wide hole blown in the wall behind.
( Cromagnon Don't waste my motherfucking time!, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:28, Reply)

when i was out primary school...
the principal(or head teacher) wanted my brother to wear a helmet at school

he was clumsy
(woo who?, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:26, Reply)

not ME getting hurt
but rather doing the hurting... me and the ex were getting intimate, but i forgot to take off one of my rings first. poor bastard... i drew blood. he didn't want anymore handjobs after that. HA.
(blush, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:22, Reply)

When i was about 11...
I was breaking into my house through the kitchen window (i had lost my key, this happened often) and i lived in australia so first what i had to do is take the fly screen off and rest it on the wall next to the window then climb up onto the window sill and wedge a 20 cent coin imbetween the windows and then push it to the side and unlock the windows then i jumped down from the window ledge and the sharp corner of the flyscreen caught my ear and cut a big hole in it where blood started gushing out and left a massive scar my sister went to get my next door neighbour (whos daughter i fancied) and he came to 'fix me up' the end

what a crap story sorry
(woo who?, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:22, Reply)

ging gang gooly
Scouts and rope swings. Theres only one thing that scouts love better than rope swings and thats fire. However when matches and aerosol cans are unavailable i kn ow of one lad who managed to make his own. We had built a pretty respectable and it has to be said for 12 year olds fearsome rope swing across a large ditch in the woods.
The Rope swing required one of two techniques. Either gripping the end of the rope to gain a wide but it must be said uneventfull swing across the gulley or climbing further up the bank in order to have a much faster and more thrilling "high swing".
It came finally came to stevens turn, nothing extrodinarty about steven perhaps a little podgier than the rest but nothing grotesque. Steven climbed higher up the bank than anyone before him had dared and launched himself into scouting legend.
As he swang out his arms must have slipped or just given out, cueing steven to fall about 15 feet. This was not so bad but stevey had his legs wrapped tightly around the rope throughout the fall, whilst wearing the shortest of cub scout shorts.

The rope/ friction abrasions were horrific enough but what capped the story for a group of eleven year olds was that, for the rest of the camp steven had to have cold cream rubbed into his groinal areas by a the female cub scout leader.

Dib Dib Dib
(gentleben, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:18, Reply)

Im surprised noones already posted something like this
but a number of years back now, I was a little nipper who loved Micro Machines. One day I was at my great-granddads house playing with them in the garden, when it started to rain. I frantically ran back and forth, indoors then out, grabbing as many as i could and bringing them indoors. Little did I know that my dad decided to help, finished the job, and closed the patio door.
Which was one of those glass panel ones that to the untrained eye, well, arent there. I ran straight into it at full pelt in front of my parents and my great-grandparents. I fell flat on my back and proceeded to have my first nosebleed.

Another story, not as good, but fun and from last year. I *love* air hockey. I try and get a game with anyone Im with at an arcade. Im quite an aggressive player, as was my opponent. He was slightly more so though, often slamming it into the air, so I had to play harder. After the game was over, adrenaline still coursing my veins, i shook his hand to notice blood on my hand and shirt. On closer inspection it seemed that he had hit the puck so damn hard it flew off the surface and sliced open my fingers. Luckily, the arcade was opposite Boots, so I nipped over, hand shaking, to buy some plasters. That was embarrassing, I think they must have thought I had punched someone. But im more proud than embarrassed of that, so it perhaps shouldnt be here... meh.

Ooh just remembered another - only a minor one. I was walking down an alley with my best mate of the time, and we were playfully pushing each other into the fences at each side. He pushed a little too hard, I lost my balance and scraped my cheek on the fence. It scarred, beautifully. It was like Action Man's scar. I just wish it could have come from something more fun!

Many apologies for length!
(costie, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:16, Reply)

a word to the wise
when at a festival, and someone near you decides to throw bottles at the performers, move away from them fast and far, as retaliating rocks stars dont like being pelted, and will often return the favour, although the alcohol & drug 'rider' doesnt exactly do wonders for their aim

edit: oh, and don't run through a dark forest late at night while drunk, unless you have nightvision, or a torch
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:12, Reply)

hee hee
my mate sprained his wrist by wanking too much...
(Genghis_kahn, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:10, Reply)

Not me, but the guy I was next door to in the Bristol BRI orthapaedics ward during the 1994 World Cup
He was an inveterate boozer, and lived for giro day. When the cheque came he'd walk from the post office, drop his food money at home, and then walk to the pub and spend all day pissing his remaining dole up the wall. For several months he'd been taking a short cut to the pub over a building site, which involved shinning over a 6 foot board fence around the edge. He got to the pub fine that day - but whilst he was in someone sank a 40 foot foundation shaft in one corner. Broken femurs, pelvis and seven hours wait until the next morning. Actually, this isn't that funny, is it?
( Cromagnon Don't waste my motherfucking time!, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:06, Reply)

DIY spacker
Cutting a worktop for the kitchen with powertools.
Notes:
1) be careful and follow your marked lines etc
2) dont hold the wood all roung when drilling the pilot hole for the jigsaw
3) when you DO shove a spade drill through your hand, use your head and drop everything safely before trying to stem the torrent of blood gushing from your mangled palm with a too-small rag.
4) get someone else to phone for the ambo, it makes less mess of the phone.....
( Dangermouse., Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:05, Reply)

I went to see Rage Against The Machine
at the Manchester Ritz about 10 years ago. As you can imagine, there were all sorts of stage diving shenanigans going on. One fella thought it would be ace to dive off the balcony that surrounds the dancefloor. Unfortunately for him the crowd didn't agree, and as he lept off in a graceful swan dive everyone ran like fuck out of the way. He hit the deck chest first, and was removed very carefully by worried looking paramedics.

What a dick.
( supermoore: HUNG, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:04, Reply)

Staples, then.
Year 10. In an RE lesson, I was about to affix a sheet into my exercise book when it became apparent that one staple was stuck inside the stapler. In an attempt to dislodge it, I got both hands grasping the main part of the stapler. With a good, hard, staple-dislodging squeeze, I realised I had left my thumbs over the places where the sharp parts of the staple come out. My thumbs were stapled together. I had to get up in front of the whole class and walk to the medical room with my thumbs damn well stapled together.
(Slurpy The Frog, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 21:04, Reply)

oh dear...
well, I was playing cricket at school when I was 13/14, and recieved a sharp reminder on the benefits of wearing a box. The thing is that the teacher as if to add insult to injury called that that one was a "dead ball" as I lay writhing in agony on the pitch.
(Dinsdale v Spiny Norman, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 20:56, Reply)

another tale from the 'land of greebo'
this didnt happen to me, but instead to one of the lasses at the local rock club.

she walked towards a table to pick up a flyer, turned around, and in a bizarre act of randomness, collapsed with a dislocated knee.

pictures avaiable on request. no, seriously.
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 20:50, Reply)

i dislocated both of my shoulders while skateboarding, in the same day
although not at the same time.

i dislocated my right shoulder first, while learning to 'drop in' on a ramp.
the left should went pop whilst trying to refine my technique

this happened back in my ganja smoking days, and i can readily confirm its pain-suppressing abilities (just incase the rozzers or a doctor is reading this)
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 20:42, Reply)

Diving without water
I was pretend swimming on a stool with wheels over a tiled floor but it tipped and I landed on my chin needing those butterfly stitch dillies and still have a scar.

I also have 'dancing related injury' on my medical record from a night I can't remember but woke up with an ankle doubled in size.
(Chom, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 20:40, Reply)

I smashed the end bone of my big toe into 7 pieces
opening the ramp on a skip, whilst standing in front of it...DOH!

bastard hospital wouldn't give me crutches, so I spent four weeks hopping everywhere :(
( MrSanity has maybe kicked the WoW habit forever, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 19:58, Reply)

Very very true ^_^
For my mates birthday (lets call him bob) we all stayed round his in his summer house (the rich biznitch). We got totally pissed the night before, as we were due to go go-carting at 7am the next day.

Anyway when we got up we started clearing all the shit we made away and bob was folding this deck chair thingy ma bob that he had slept on the previous night. As he was folding it up he run my foot over with the wheel on the bloody thing, so as a natural reaction i kicked it and as a result knocked the catch out of place, making it to fold up with my mates finger inside.
He cryed out for help but as i was still recovering from my hang over i didnt notice him for at least 5 minutes.
He broke his finger and ended up in A&E having various injections while we all whent go-carting on his expence for his birthday.
(Exodust, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 19:55, Reply)

Cherry Poppin' Banjo Daddy
Twas my first time, boxing day, years ago at a house party. I didn't care too much for the girl visually (which was all I thought counted about the opposite sex back then) but we were chatting for quite a while and without my realisation, she had moved closer to me to the point where returning with more drinks, she took her seat on my lap. Being inexperienced and consistently horny at that age, I was having fun exploring her mouth. Without further ado she led me to the bathroom where in the time it took me to adjust the lock, I turn around to find her stark naked on the floor. After realising that this was 'it' I did my best to appear the swarve, sophisticated 'experienced' gentlemen I really wasn't. It wasn't long before we realised the bathroom wasn't the right location since some inconsiderate people actually wanted to use it to 'deficate' or something, probably. After some stealth manoevers (it was a small house-party and it was pretty obvious we were the subject of conversation since I'd not met many of them before as it was my friend who had invited me to the do) we made it to the girl's bedroom.

After some really really bad fumbling on my part, I ended up actually putting it in the right place, but somewhere along the line, it had become misplaced whilst I was infinitely too horny to notice. It wasn't until a while of fumbling and noticing a distinct lack of arousal in this girls manner that I looked down to notice puddles of blood between us and on the sheets. I quickly freak out with my mind going as far as stressing for my friend who has invited some guy who has indirectly ruined some bedsheets whilst also wondering how I'm going to get to the toilet to clean myself up without getting blood on my clothes. In this little panicy moment, I hadn't considered that the blood might be mine. I had assumed fabled 'lady troubles' had taken their course like a red tsunami but after investigating my penis I noticed a tear in (what I later discovered was called) my banjo string. To tell the truth, I didn't give a shit about the tear, it was only small but I was pissed off that I was so close to losing my virginity only to get caught short.

We cleaned things up and the girl decided to tell the girl whose house it was that the blood was her fault. The rest of the night was spent kissing, drinking and chatting until the drink took its toll and everyone fell asleep. I slept on the sofa with this girl (no idea how we fit) but didn't get much sleep due to the lack of space. My mind was going spare that I had come so close, yet not come at all so after some gentle petting, I informed the girl that I was ready to go again whatever. It didn't bother me that I was in a small lounge with some bloke I'd never met, my friend and his girlfriend. I'm sure the noise woke them up, but I was too drunk / horny to care. It didn't take me long to get it over with and I went back to a drink induced snooze.

I never called the girl back since the morning after effect was stronger than I had anticipated and I really felt no physical attraction to her whatsoever. It probably caused awkward situations with my friend and this girl but it makes a heck of a story for the first time.

I recalled the whole story a couple of years later to my two best friends (one of whom was the friend in the same room when I lost it) who found it utterly hysterical and informed me of the technical term for the banjo string. To this day my friends will either do a banjo impression or make some vague inappropriate referrence to a banjo mid-conversation with people who I particularly don't want to recall the story to whilst laughing so hard that the others stare curiously wondering why a banjo could cause so much merryment.
( ma0sm, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 19:48, Reply)