A bunch of mates were sharing a flat.
So one day I cut letters out of a newspaper and stuck them to a sheet of paper. Then I went round to their flat when I knew they were all out and posted it through the door.

My best mate was one of the guys sharing this flat. He got back from work to find his flatmates panicking, flushing their stash down the toilet and one of them having a full blown paranoia attack.

They showed him the note saying "The police are watching you. Act normal" to which he replied, "Oh, that's probably just Afinkawan pissing about."
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 16:10, Reply)

Hula Hoop prank
Back in the early 90s Hula Hoops had a promotion where you could win prizes, if you found the special twisted hula hoop.
I prized open the bottom of a bag of hula hoops and put a pasta twist inside it. The intention being that my eldest son, who was about 9 or 10 would find it when he next had a bag.
He wasn't supposed to take it in his packed lunch when he went to school though! Apparently he opened it at morning break and spent the rest of the day bragging about his winnings to the teachers and also to the other kids. He also became the most popular boy in the school with lots of new friends who wanted to share his new found wealth.

He wasn't best pleased when he found out, as you can imagine. I think my wife should take a share of the blame though as she packed his lunch. I only intended this to be a short lived minor prank.

He didn't have a very happy time in school and was always getting bullied and I sometimes wonder if it was all my fault.....
(Tim D Tim D, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 16:01, Reply)

The day I finished school...
...many, many years ago, we had all been told the day before that if anyone set off the fire alarms they wouldn't get their GCSE results. As such, everyone came up with all manner of other vindictive little pranks instead.

Me and a mate emptied a couple of tins of tuna above some ceiling tiles in our form room but the greatest prank, possibly ever in the history of our school was one bright spark who turned up with a screwdriver and spent most of the day swapping round the numbers on all the classroom doors.

Obviously when you've been in the building for years as most of the teachers had, you don't look at the numbers on the doors, you just know where they are. The new first years who arrived the following September however, by which time nobody had yet noticed all the signs were wrong, apparently had a devil of a time getting to their lessons for a couple of days before anyone realised what had happened.

Genius...
(Ed Can Do, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 16:00, 1 reply)

Well, he was asking for it...
When I worked in London, one of the guys in the office turned round one day and told everyone to stop using his bin, because "it filled up too quickly and then he couldn't use it".

Needless to say, the next day the bin was nowhere in sight, buried beneath a pile of the biggest, heaviest things we could find. Old boxes full of scrap, a gigantic roller bearing that took 2 people to lift, you name it =)

He wasn't impressed \o/
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 15:56, Reply)

Evil Prank
This wasn't my prank but it was hilarious nonetheless.
A university friend of mine, had been with his girlfriend for years and together they had, had a son.
But that didn't stop the dirty dog, playing the field and he ended up sleeping with his best mates woman.
Instead of going mad, his best mate decided to get even.
So a few days after finding out, cool as you like, he told his pal that his girl was pregnant.
The poor fellow, knowing he'd been unsheathed at the point of impact went into meltdown.
He smoked 20 fags in 20 minutes as the grim reality hit home.
But instead of putting him out of his misery, the best mate, waited three months before telling him the truth.
The poor bugger, who had been losing sleep over the matter was so relieved, he couldn't be angry.
But needless to say, he never played the field again.
(henrya1, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 15:37, 1 reply)

My office mate ..
.. has set his Windows backdrop to a photo of his house. It's a nice house and he doesn't lock his PC. I'm subtly photoshopping the image every weekend, replacing it by a new version on Monday morning. This far I've removed several windows, the mailbox, various stuff, and the chimney, and I have changed some colours.

He hasn't noticed yet. I hope that once he notices, he'll wonder for a while if his memory is failing him. I don't think he knows the capabilities of Photoshop, so there is a fair chance that it will be fun.

This weekend I plan to add the first garden gnome.

Come to think of it, I'm probably not evil, but I might be mildly irritating.
(spinoza, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 15:05, 14 replies)

I know some bikers
and altho very good and friendly folk, they are mostly very big scary people your average person in the street probably wouldn't cross, however as we all know, beer can seriously cloud judgement.

I was at one of their parties, two chaps arrived uninvited. Being ex army, they decided all these big hairy bikers were nothing compared to them, they were of course uber hard and could take on any of them and drink their beer.

They were apparently not too good of eyesight nor aware of the presence of knives and biker ways, and things came very close to turning rather nasty as they proceeded to neck most of the beer and spirits as plans were drawn against them.

I didn't look forward to being a party to such activities discussed nor did I wish to leave, so I had words, I had some Valium on me (don't ask), we powdered it and added it to some Uzo shots, then walked in with these on a tray and announced, 'Who wants a shot of this then!?', they of course were first up and it was made sure they got the right ones, and as expected, in about 30 minutes they were as ragdolls.

A lot was then said of ways to dispose of them, again I stepped in and offered to help take them to a 'wipe out area' where they could sleep it off while the rest of us partied on, and to appease the need to do something to them as vengeance without necessarily needing to do anything too debilitating I helped 'arrange' them a tad.

I wasn't there come the morning as I'd quit and gone home due to unnecessary alcohol consumption by then, but apparently, close army buddies as they were, they weren't quite so ready to get as close as when they awoke, what with having found themselves spooning nude in a sleeping bag with an apparently used condom stuck between them, and everyone who still remained downstairs, as they sheepishly surfaced looking for their clothes, asking if they'd enjoyed themselves the night before as much as it had seemed!?

What? You don't remember a thing? Allow us to fill out your memory losses with stories you will never know the full truth of for the rest of your lives...

We never saw them again.
( ..wil, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:39, Reply)

oh also..
And speaking of comptuer pranks, had a mate who thought it would be funny to go round half the college PCs doing a Deltree Windows. Which basically kills the windows folder and PC never boots up again.
Eventually they got really suspisious about this and realised that a PC stopped working just after he used it. I managed to sneak a text file on the root of the c drive saying "UVE BEEN NUKED BY THE OSWALD VIRUS"
Mate got let off because they realised they had a massive virus on the network and that wasnt his fault.

I had a quiet word with him and told him he shouldnt be so distructive with his pranks. Poor buggers didnt even have ghost images. They were reinstalling from scratch :)
(Miggyman, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:38, 3 replies)

Harry and the Locker
I used to work for British Oxygen Co. Well when I say work, read laze around in a cannabis induced haze!

The laboratory technician was a real tramp of a guy. He smelled of rancid fat and his clothes were filthy. He would line his shoes with old football pools coupons rather than have holes repaired! In the depths of winter Harry (for that was his name) used to wear pyjamas beneath his clothes for warmth.

Well, eccentric behaviour of this nature singled Harry out as a target for pranks. So a few friends and me played a series of pranks on him. One of my best was drilling a hole in Harry’s teacup and filling the hole with a plug of wax. Placing a plastic bag part filled with water and perforated with a number of pinholes beneath the saddle cover of Harry’s ancient bike was a good laugh too.

The prank that nearly got me the sack was surprisingly simple and had consequences that we couldn’t have imagined. All staff members were issued with a locker and by a strange quirk of fate; Harry’s locker was stand-alone locker, whilst the rest were in banks of four.

So one afternoon my mate Keith and I were taking a tea break and having noticed that Harry’s locker was a stand alone decided to turn it upside down and turn it around so that the door faced the wall.

Now at the time we had a firm of builders laying a new concrete yard. Having just laid the final 20 yards of concrete yards the builders retired to the tearoom. A few minutes into their tea break, Harry comes into the room and goes to his locker to get his coat, as it is the end of his shift. Harry is initially perplexed by the absence of a keyhole and then realises the prank that has been played on him. He asks the builders to help him right his locker and they not only refuse his request (well they were on tea break!!) but take the piss out of him as well.

An enraged Harry nearly ruptures himself righting his locker and then fetches his bike and proceeds to stomp his way through 20 yards of freshly laid concrete!!
( Vambo, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:36, 1 reply)

My Dad, again...
My father is a chemist by training. In the dim and distant, when he was a student, he found the formula for making the explosive used in cap-guns, devil-bangers and the like. It is apparently easy to make.

He and his fellow students would mix up a batch prior to a lecture, and fill the board rubber therewith. (I've no idea how, before you ask.) The lecturer would want to clear the board before starting and, as the rubber made contact with the board...

BANG!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:32, 3 replies)

Gingerclaire reminds me...
My father went to school in Scotland, and was told by one of his teachers that the haggis is a three-legged creature, one of whose legs is shorter than the other two. This means that it can only walk around hillsides on one direction lest it overbalance. Correspondingly, the way to catch a haggis is to chase it around the hill in the other direction, causing it to fall.

Kids just don't get taught stuff like that any more...



/Mmmm. Haggis.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:27, 10 replies)

Not so much evil...
My friend once asked me why mohair jumpers etc were so much more expensive than other woollen clothing items. I explained that mohair comes from a small animal called (not unsurprisingly) a mo. They live in mountainous areas only and are notoriously hard to farm. They have bright red eyes as they only come out at night and razor sharp barbed horns. Because they are soooo vicious, the only way to collect their mo-hair is to pluck it from the intricately woven barbed wire fence at the edges of their boundaries. This makes the mo-hair very rare and the job of collecting it very dangerous. So...mo-hair is so expensive due to having to pay mo-hair farmers the equivalent of danger money.

It was only after hearing her 'explain' this to another poor sap SIX years later that I realised I should set her straight. So I told her their eyes were really bright yellow. Red eyed moes - I ask you! How silly!

Length? Moes dont have penises, they have manginas.
(gingerclaire I wanna go out bouncin', Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:21, Reply)

My mate,
owns a head shop. He had a right twat coming in to buy scales, the small digital ones. Well, every other day this guy was back with them to be recalibrated, claiming they were faulty. They weren't, he just use to drop them, etc, being a total moron.
Last time he brought them in, my mate recalibrated them to half a gram out. So, if he's weighing an ounce, he's giving out an ounce and half a gram; if a gram, it's one and a half, I'm sure you can do the math.
Next time the guy brings them back in, he'll sort them properly, he just did it 'cos he was annoyed. Fools not suffered gladly round his shop.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:16, 2 replies)

In the ass.. In the Big House
This story, peculiarly enough is not one of mine, but that my mother's. Her time at high school is one that she would rather forget so I'm told, but one incident holds great humour in her memory.

This involves one Chemistry teacher of Irish heritage, whom also taught me during my time at the same high school (CHHS Leeds, I was there betwixt 1994 - 2000 for anyone who wants to know). I cannot remember his name at present, but he had a habit of constantly blaming cows for the then oft-talked-about hole in the Ozone layer, but I digress.

The year was approx 1977.

Said teacher was directing his lesson in his usual, spouting his meesage of "You can go to the bathroom only once! I do not care if you wet yourselves!" as well as some Chemical Fiddly-Doodlery, but had to leave the classroom in order to collect some.. umm.. chemicals (I'm a computologist, not a scientician, leave me alone).

A plucky young child, known as 'Willie' (my mother fondly remembers him as being 'a cunt', as you will soon find out) took it upon himself to play a prank; prop some scissors on the teacher's seating arrangement, thus making for maximal hilarity.

Such was not the case.

The teacher promptly came back into the room..

The trap was set..

The teacher was in a need to rest his legs..

He did not see the Scissors..

A flailing of limbs and profanity as the searing blade thrust forth into the gaelic sphincter, and an ambulance needed to be called in order to repair the cut-and-paste ringpiece.

Said child was expelled, and rightly so, but as time always tells, such disturbed children need help or correction, not just punishment.

The story does not end here, my tired-eyed friends, for fast forward to 1998, during my time at the same school, a news report echoed the name of someone whom I had only heard of in tales from a past I had not lived.. and he was convicted of the murder of a woman whom he tied up and killed in Leeds... with some sphincter-rupturing scissors.**

** Not really.. he strangled her to death, but the above story is true; it was quite a surprise seeing the smile on the teachers face when I informed him of the incarceration of his arse-nemesis.


Penis.
(Lythium deals in lead, my friend., Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:16, 3 replies)

April Fooling people I didnt mean to April Fools.
One April fools day in 2003. I decided to call my brother up and tell him that they had bombed the Canary Wharf. This was itself a little tasteless but oh well.

Little did I know at the time, he was out in the countryside with some friends, and had no access to a TV or Radio. What was going to be just a stupid little joke, soon came out into a full on chronical "Yes theres smoke pouthering out of the 7th floor. Oh shit... I think theres just been another explosion from the roof! They reckon about up to 200 are dead and people are still trapped inside!"
He soaked the lot up like a sponge!

Now not only was he out in the countryside with friends, these friends also had friends and family who work in the Canary Wharf building, and were in tears and shock when their attempts to contact them failed.

To make matters worse, i didnt even reveal that I was joking at the end of the call. And it took them a number of hours to realise I was just joking and know that their loved ones were infact OK.

Result? A written humble apology by me. I upset a lot of people that day.

But then again, they should have realised it was Bank Holiday monday as well as April 1st. So they probably wouldnt have been working anyway :)
(Miggyman, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:12, Reply)

The Great Booze-on-Desk Caper.
We have office drink-ups on Fridays. One of the more neurotic, uptight girls in the office left a note on her desk telling us not to leave any bottles on her desk.

Well, we had a lot of empties lying around.



She cried when she arrived on Monday. I got asked (the person was laughing while they asked) to apologise.
(Ladyfingers is in your wardrobe,, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:03, 6 replies)

When out shopping with my mate...
He likes to finish his can of Coke or McD's drink & leave it on one of the shelves of shops such as the Gadget Shop.

You then get punters staring & wondering over what magic piece of gadgetry it is.

Simple but effective.
(Dr_Faustus filius of a femina canis, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:03, 1 reply)

So many...
I have a lady friend in York who is a tad gullible, she is also dyslexic. One day a few guys in the group convinced her you could get electronic pens now which corrected your spelling as you wrote, being dyslexic she liked this idea very much, and this actually went so far as her shopping for one and telling folks she can't find one locally and asking if they knew where he could get one.

Half the stationary shops in York must have had some fun tales to tell that day!

Eventually they told her the truth, poor love...
( ..wil, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:02, Reply)

not utterly evil..but effective
Me falling asleep in a discotheque half drunk and mates waking me up saying my mum is here..
( olivier8 (euroloon), Fri 14 Dec 2007, 13:55, Reply)

I told my younger sister ...
... that the word "gullible" is missing from the Oxford English Dictionary.

Yes, possibly the oldest and best known trick in the history of trickery. And she fell for it - hook, line and sinker.

She's a qualified doctor now. If you're in the Midlands and unwell, worry.
(patently Was somewhere else on, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 13:50, 3 replies)

My sister woke me up
when I was working nights by not answering the phone to her muppet freind...In revenge I reset her alarm clock for an hour earlier(she normally had to wake up at 630) and reset her watch, and all the other clocks in the house, and removed the fuse from the telly so she couldn't check the time on TVAM....While waiting for her bus at 630 wondering why nobody else was there she twigged it may have been a bit early!!! HAHAHAHAAHAH revenge is sweet!!
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 13:35, Reply)

Beyond the realms of pranks
This isn't a prank - it's more pure evil laced with gross stupidity. But there is a humorous element. First, the backstory:

Last week, while on the way to a mate's to meet up to travel to a gig, I was overtaken by a little twat on a wheezing motorbike with L plates, who only just made it past my car before being wiped out by oncoming traffic, almost cut off my front bumper and then had the temerity (and stupidity) to brake hard in front of me. So I had to slam on the brakes to avoid knocking him off his bike.

I wasn't too impressed with this maneouvre and was going to follow him to where he was going and give him a bollocking. As it happens I lost him (just as well, given what follows), but I mentioned it to my mate, who identified said ned as one of an infamous family in the town. He then went on to tell me about something the father of this family had done as an act of vengeance. So to my brief tale.

Apparently the father had fallen out with the owner of the local chip shop over something or other, and the feud had escalated. So one night, he went out and stuffed paraffin-soaked newspaper through the chippy-owner's letterbox, and followed it with a match.

Satisfied by having seen the results of his labours begin to take hold, he retired to his own house.

Which was immediately upstairs...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 13:34, Reply)

When working in a pub in Avonmouth
decided to scare the waitress senseless by hiding in a broken fridge and getting her to look inside--low and behold I jump out!! She nearly wet herself and me and james the chef laffed our socks off all afternoon!!
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 13:31, Reply)

Sleeping bag torture
My parents had recently bought a batch of spiffy new sleeping bags, and my friend Al and I decided to test their durability. We told my brother that we wanted to see if he would fit inside, arms and all. He happily obliged. We then asked if he could get his head inside too. He showed us that he could, and we closed the zip up all the way, trapping him inside.

We then dragged my poor brother up and and down the stairs several times by his feet. Fearing recrimination if he was released, we left him inside the sleeping bag and went outside to play.

His screams and swearing live with me to this day. Aah, memories.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 13:31, Reply)

I Pin
Some 20 years ago when my young Daughter, Baby ElephantFresh was about 18 months old we'd had ice cream for tea.

The next morning Baby EF wanted some more, she couldn't say Ice Cream but cutely called it "I Pin". She pleaded with me & the then Mrs.ElephantFresh, "I pin, I pin!!"

Eventually me and the Mrs said "Ok then" and disappeard into the kitchen. We opened the ice cream and just rubbed some around our mouths. We then went out the kitchen and said to Baby EF, "Sorry Baby EF, there isn't any ice cream." With this our lovely daughter looked at us with disappointment in her eyes.

She then started to study us and a look of horror slowly came across her little face as the ice cream on our faces started to register. She then slowly pointed at us and shouted in rage "You've eaten it!!!!!!" before throwing herself on the floor, howling. God was it funny.

It took us ages to calm her down even with a great big bowl of I pin.

I don't think it did her any harm - if you don't count the Mental Institution* and self-harming* and the fact that we've not seen her for 8 years*. Sob.


*not really
(MichaelLinge (ywc), Fri 14 Dec 2007, 13:26, 1 reply)

It is remarkably easy
to fool noobs at work that during a fire drill they must carry a bucket of water or fire extinguisher or fire blanket or a set of steps or some other tenuous fire/rescue equipment as they would be required to do this during a real fire.

It isn't quite as easy to keep a straight face though as the poor chaps meet at some point carrying armloads of crap.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Fri 14 Dec 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Supply teacher
When I was in school in the Sudan, we had this supply teacher from Britain who none of us could stand. In particular, she used to pick on me and my mate because we always used to mess around at the back. One day I overheard the deputy head telling her she ought to lighten up a bit and do something to up her popularity with the class.
So next day, she turns up with this stupid bear and tells us we've got to vote on a name for it. Payback time! I got them all together and we voted for 'Mohammed', saying it was the name of the most popular boy in the class. You should have seen the silly fat cow's face when the religious police turned up a week later and did her for blasphemy. She got a week in prison before getting deported. Now that's what I call a result.
(Cameltoad, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 12:59, Reply)

In a shared house
My mate worked nights, so the house was generally empty when she got in at around 8/9am.

One day I'd pulled a cheeky sickie as I just couldn't be arsed to go to work.

I heard her key in the lock, so I hid in the kitchen.

She comes up the hallway towards me, and I jumped out at her.

She absolutely SCREAMED and ran upstairs.

I went upstairs to laugh.

She was crying.

Bitch. Crying is NOT winning.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 12:52, Reply)

O My God, they got the union in....
It was a joke. It started with a very bored Siouxfan having a fag in the fag room of a Publishing company ( a large one that shall remain nameless) during a break. Then deciding to start a rumour.
I thought the best thing was to start something so utterly preposterous, no one would believe it but it may amuse them momentarily. Given the environment we worked in, Health and Safety were always on the case, so I decided to use them as a foil.
"Have you heard?" I announced. "Reception have complained about us using the coffee machine by reception, they say it causes an unsightly mess." pauses for effect. "So we will have to use the one on the first floor."
Much consternation amongst colleagues.
"Yeah but the best bit is that Health & Safety say its not legal for us to be carrying hot drinks up and down a concrete stairway due to potential spillage and the likelihood of us slipping. So we will be issued with special rubber galoshes to wear over our shoes for when we go to get drinks"
Silence for a moment and I take a drag on my fag shaking my head sagely.I was toally unprepared for what came next as the clamour of outraged voices hurt my ears.
Next thing there was a team meeting. I kept schtum. Next thing there was a department meeting, I kept schtummer. Next thing there was a union meeting, sadly I had to miss as I was 'going to the dentist'. About a month later no one could work out where it came from or what started the kerfuffle and senior management were seriously perplexed.
One good thing, we got a spaking new coffee machine as reassurance that we were perfectly ok to use it near reception at any time....

ahem.

So sorry to anyone reading this who I cruelly abused in my pathetic attempt to stave off boredom.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 12:33, 2 replies)

Piracy is theft
In the 80s, I was asked to make a copy of Fruit Machine Simulator on the spectrum 48k for my brother's friend.

However, instead of copying it, we wrote a programme something along the lines of

10 PRINT "The reason you are seeing this message"
20 PRINT "is because you have pirated this software"
30 PRINT "We have detected that your address"
40 PRINT "is 16 Butterfield Close"
50 PRINT "and the police have been informed"

..and saved that on the tape.

The friend's dad loaded the game and apparently was thinking about phoning the police in order to hand himself in.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 12:28, 6 replies)