Bill Bailey commented on my laugh
This QOTW is turning into loads of lists, or people ranting aimlessly with no semblance of plot. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, b3tans, I shall endeavour to be rather more entertaining and tell you about the time I went to see Bill Bailey live.

Those of you that know me (so, none of you then!) will already know that I live in the rather fantastic city of Brighton, and that I'm a huge Bill Bailey fan. Therefore when I found out that he would be coming to Brighton on his Tinselworm tour, I was more ecstatic than Gary Glitter discovering his prison window had a view of a playground. I bought tickets immediately, and waited for what seemed like endless months with childlike glee. At last the night arrived, and I hurried off to the Brighton Centre with my friends, thrilled that I was finally going to see one of my favourite comedians.

At this point I will take a brief break as I ought to tell those of you who don't know me (again, most of you!) about my laugh. Normally, if I'm concentrating, it sounds fairly normal and not like a spastic mouse on coke at all. However, if you really get me giggling (or I'm drunk!) I start to squeak. And I mean majorly squeak. I wasn't kidding about that spastic mouse.

So Bill is in full swing, and everyone is having a whale of a time. I'm almost at the front and I can see that he's shorter and rounder than I imagined him to be. I'm laughing away with everyone else. And I'm all sure you can imagine, the inevitable happened. I started squeaking like a chipmunk in a vice. To be honest, I can't exactly remember the joke that started off, but one thing I do remember quite clearly. Bill looked up from his guitar, mildly perplexed, and peered at the audience. "My, it sounds like a chinchilla trapped under something heavy!" He then continued without missing a beat.

So there we go, Bill Bailey called me a chinchilla and I still love the guy :D

Apologies to anyone on here who was also there, who I may have accidentally caused permanent hearing damage to!
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 21:23, 4 replies)

Always hated Mick Channon
For reasons I cannot explain I was as a young lad in 1970s Hampshire taken to Southampton's football ground to try to collect players autographs. There wasn't anything as useful as an actual game on but my mum drove me and my brother to the ground to wait for the players.

I saw Mick Channon (ex footballer turned horse racing trainer for younger readers) but he was already in his car. Didn't particularly like the fella but as he was an England player my 8 or 9 year old brain registered it'd be a good signature to get so I ran over and tapped on his drivers window.

He wound it down and in his unmistakeable West Country burr said (and I can still quote this word for word after all these years) "What are you doin'? Aint you got no bloody manners?"

35 years later and I still can't bring myself to back one of his fucking horses.
( TownsendsPublisher is all gravy baby, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 21:04, Reply)

I don't have many celebrity hates..
Michael McIntyre, I don't get it. I must have missed that boat because I think he's a smug cunt and I find that absolutely no humour leaves his fat smug little face.

Victoria Beckham - Have a fucking burger you scrawny bitch.

Reality tv people, Big Brother contestants especially and even worse is 'Celebrity' Big Brother, who are these people because I sure as hell haven't ever heard of them.

Gavin and Stacy, again, I must have missed the boat on this one because I've tried watching it and sat there terribly bored. People quote it like its the be all and end all.
(kellysprinkles dying for a pee since, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 20:35, Reply)

Can I pitch my idea for a TV show?
Celebrity Execution with Ant and Dec. Ant and Dec have 50 minutes to persuade YOU the viewer to phone in and vote to hang, draw and quarter the other one.

Next week Bill Oddie gets gibbeted and has his eyes pecked out by crows.
Also, Antony Worrall-Thompson gets basted and slowly roasted over an open fire.

I think it may be horrible wispy beards. Whilst I'm thinking, Richard Branson needs to be rectally connected to an high-pressure air hose and then we'll see if he can cross the Atlantic.
(hypostomus, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 20:24, Reply)

Mark fuck-twatting Lammar

Christ on a fucking unicorn that bloke makes my shit itch.from his spawned from a tortoise bastard haircut to his I'm a picture of perfection conda-fucking-scending attitude...i hope his balls wither and drop the fuck off!!!
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 19:59, Reply)

AWWWWLLLLLL YOUR GREY MUHHHHMM
Guess.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 19:57, Reply)

Katie Price
I honestly think this woman is in need of serious help. She can't do anything without being in the public eye and my God I AM BLOODY SICK OF HEARING ABOUT HER! She's the epitome of brain-dribbling plastic-pumped shittery and should just sod off. Spend a year out of the public eye and BE NORMAL love! I don't care anymore!!


And I'm just depressed I even know who Paris Hilton is.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 19:08, Reply)

I've Never Met
anyone famous, so how can I hate them? Plenty of "personalities" get on my tits, but I can't honestly say I hate them. for much the same reason, neither do I love them

Hate is such a negative energy (maaaan!)

(but I'd still like to smack Victoria Beckham in the mouth)
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Fri 5 Feb 2010, 18:33, 3 replies)

Actually
I posted earlier about how I dont "hate" anyone; but some things I do struggle with:

Amanda Burton; Im sure shes a very good actress but my God every time I see her on the idiot lantern she seems to be playing a "Woman who has had to fight to succeed in a man's world". She just always seems to be so bloody humorless.
Meryl Streep; as above. I've never seen a film with her in, she just leaves me utterly cold.
Madness/Suggs; Hate the music, the image, as a TV presenter he just annoys the shit out of me.
George Galloway; I like talkSPORT, but I cannot listen to this man; it's not just that I disagree with what he says (but I nearly always do) it's his arrogance and his intrinsic assumption that he is right and anyone who disagrees with him is both wrong and retarded. (I hear him cos I occasionly put the radio on forgetting hes on).
John Gaunt; again he was on talkSPORT til he got sacked for calling a social worker a Health Nazi. What an opinionated right wing shit. And the rolling his "Rrrrrrrrr's" was unneccesary to.
Jools Holland; the worlds greasiets, smarmiest rat faced little cunt-horse.
People who buy the "Daily Mail"; Im a nosey fuckerin the Supermarket queue; if someone has a copy of the Nazi Mindwash Rag I really want to grab them and smack their heads into the conveyor belt. Again and again until they are dead.
Crime Dramas in general; Not the "light" stuff like Frost or Columbo, I mean the heavy duty shit like "Taggart" etc. Mrs Kite was watching "Silent Witness" last week, there was a gunman in a college on a killing spree. Why do people want to watch this? It's just voyeuristic horror porn. However I found the "No Russian" missin on CoD:MW2 completely unmoving; is it me whos wrong here?

Hm thats quite a long list aint it....
(kitescreech still here, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 18:15, 1 reply)

Camous Funts
Jimmy Carr - he has never said anything funny in his entire life.
Ann Robinson - does not have to put on an act at all for Weakest Link - apparently she is like that to her staff as well.
Chris Evans - he has completely ruined Radio 2 Breakfast and Radio 2 is the only station I can get on my car stereo. I hated him on Radio 1 as well, especially when he thought it was funny to punch his female co-presenters.
Peter Mandelson - despite numerous resignations due to obvious corruption, he is now a feckin Lord. How did that happen?
Jordan - "I am so intellectual, I have written a book don't you know. Should I or should I not have another boob job? I can't decide". Who cares?
(biscuitsocks random gene expression, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 17:59, Reply)

I am know he has already been mentioned, but my reasons for Piers Morgan are thus...
Way back, at the height of the Iraq war, the Mirror published a story, along with accompanying photos, on British soldiers’ abuse of Iraqi prisoners in Abu Ghraib.

These were, apparently obvious fakes, but Piers Morgan spent hours agonising over whether to publish the photos. He decided against asking an expert for their opinion on the matter, and decided to publish them regardless.

This caused huge problems for the army, as at a time when this sort of abuse was rife in American troops, the Brits had so far been clean. He managed to tarnish our army’s image for the sake of selling a few papers, all because he couldn’t be bothered to ask someone what sort of boots British soldiers actually wore.

Fast forward 6 years, and somehow he has become some sort of champion of the people. He has come across as an honest, straight talking, nice guy. A host on Britain’s got Talent, he hasn’t even got any discernible fucking talent, the odious little gobshite (although granted, he has more talent than Amanda Holden).

He is a true cunt, if ever I knew one.

I would like him to be smooshed between a car and a bus, then as he lays bleeding on the floor, a gritting lorry covers him in salt, so he dies a slow painful death. I am sure I am not the only one…
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Fri 5 Feb 2010, 17:28, Reply)

More
of a 'what gets on my nerves' than a 'who'.

...and the answer is "All bloody programmes about food and/or especially programmes about houses."

"Oooh, Mary and John McDonut of Kings Lynn have 14 million quid to spend on a summer home. They can't decide on Scunthorpe or The Seychelles. What will they decide?"

Utter, utter tosh. Why do (did, does it still go on) we allow this drivel to enter our brains and make us think that buying houses (for either homes or investments - which it seems most of these shows are about) is entertainment.

When I bought the two houses I have bought over the years, it was hell on earth - certainly not what I would class as entertainment.
What makes it worse is, that they show Estate Agents on there in the same light as solicitors and teachers - you know the type, people who pent years learning their trade, as opposed to learning how to put a few bloody adverts in newspapers.

Bah!

I'm chuffed the housing market is fkuced - it might teach these knobjockets some humility.

...and don't even get me started on TV chefs - how hard can cooking be? Jesus, there's so bloody many of them, it can only be easy. Especially the stuff that fat-tongued bloke cooks.
(dchurch bah, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 17:27, 1 reply)

The ones I hate?

Those celebs famous on telly for whatever reason, that feel that this gives them the God given right to go on a jolly round the world with nothing more than a film crew, helicopter etc. to sustain them, make a wank-filled programme about a little known aspect of a foreign land [little known because - and this may come as some surprise - NOBODY'S INTERESTED] and get paid for it. BUT not content with that, they then bring out a book in time for Christmas as well. "Nobby Famous and the Seaweed Gatherers of Southern Indo-Zealand".

Yes Stephen Fry, Charlie Boorman, Paul Merton, Peter Snow, etc. I'm looking at YOU.

Michael Palin did it first and even he got a bit boring at the end. So stop doing it.



But if it was a rifle with just one bullet - I'd line the Chuckle Brothers up and get both of them with one shot.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 17:18, 6 replies)

Too much vitriol starting to have trouble breathing
I generally lurk but this forces me to join in.

Jamie Oliver: My family understand that my funerial wishes when I die are to be cremated and my ashes thrown into the irritaing Mockney twat.
Pete Docherty/Amy Winehouse: showing my age didn't we used to send people who with drugs to prison not the front pages of a red top comic.
Gerrard/Carrager: dirty redshite scum.
Rhianna: your boyfriend didn't beat you hard enough you vile waste of space, oh and by the way you are from Leeds not Jamaica where did your accent come from.
Robbie Williams: Is he gay is he not , don't care he is a complete twat.
Simon Cowell: There is enough evil in the world for you not to have to exist.
Bon Jovi: The silk cut extra light of rock, for people who still like to think they listen to rock.
THe entire cast of friend: I will only watch the reunion if it is in chernobyl without anti rad suits, "why is chandlers hair falling out?" beause he is dying.
Celine dion: shut the fuck up hobag.
Oprah + Tom Cruise: Just die

OK and I feel much better have a good weekend.
(Syndex, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 17:05, 1 reply)

In no particular order
Nigel Slater - his voice makes me want smash up the tv
I suspect but have no proof that all his recipes contain a liberal dollop of his own cum.

Hugh Fearnly Whittingstall - pig faced cunt.
Yes living in the countryside is so hard, making a living from a smallholding when you're rich pig faced cunt of a londoner.

All footballers

Bob Crow - utter cunt

Not strictly famous but on the tele - anyone appearing on:

Escape to the country - We're cunts who want to play at living in the country

Relocation relocation relocation - Utter cunts who want to be on tele so show off their wealth, oooh we need 900 bedrooms in sussex and
a crash pad for cuntbag in the city, how will we manage on a budget of
only £1.5 mil?

Grand designs - not really a bad show or people...
But why the fuck do all the houses have to have one side made of sliding glass doors?
( WOLF .™, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 17:04, Reply)

Where do I start.
Gordon Ramsey I suppose: the most ignorant unsympathetic childish waste of breath the earth has seen since,

Anthea Turner: her face just wants me cave head in with a,

Mallett: Timmy fecking Mallett. Childrens entertainer who cant even spell 'Mallet' correctly. As a kid, admittedly I liked him but now I think he is a waste of,

Time Teams Tony Robinson: smugger than Mr Smug McSmug winning the 'Smugging Smuggers' competition. I can take,

Comfort: Ray Comfort the creationist hack who thinks Bananas were created by God to fit perfectly in our hand. It is him and his wanky self pitying god bothering hell fearing twats of followers that wipes any sort of rationality from the world, and focuses on the negative 'if you die, you go to hell if you dont believe on my giant sky

Wizard: fucking Christmas song does my head in. Cunts.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Fri 5 Feb 2010, 16:56, 1 reply)

Reading this QOTW
Is like listening to Half Man Half Biscuit without the wit, the music or the gaps between songs.

So as an antidote I'm listening to good old MJ Hibbett's "Tell me something you do like"

www.mjhibbett.net/songs/lyrics/tellmesomethingyoudolike.htm

Goodlord
(GoodLord doesn't have time for sigs., Fri 5 Feb 2010, 16:48, 4 replies)

Alex Zane
ARGH, now I've gone and reminded myself that Alex Zane exists.

The reasons for my dislike are eight-fold

He is a pig's vagina.
He's not being funny, he's being a dick. It's easy to do both - we've all laughed at Simon Amstel mocking a very offended Anthea Turner's penis - but he doesn't manage it. Ever.
His face.
He's a waste of oxygen, a waste of nutrients, and a waste of wear-and-tear on the planet's surface.
His voice.
'Zane' sounds too much like 'Zany', a synonym for 'supercunty'.
His hair, being darker than the ground, lowers the albedo of over a trillionth of a percent of the planet, contributing to global warming. Nothing he has done or ever will do will justify this.
I can't set him on fire with the power of my mind.

I hope he dies in a shitting accident.

I dislike Alex Zane
(teebie jeebie, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 16:44, 4 replies)

Gary Rhodes
I've never been able to watch him since he did a programme where he made a steak and kidney pie.

It wasn't a steak and kidney pie as we normal people might think of it, oh no no no. He's much too clever to do a steak and kidney pie like an ordinary person might. No: it was a steak. And a pie with kidneys in it.

And he was so bloody pleased with himself for having thought up this Brilliant Conceit. He kept smirking at the camera and repeating how he was going to do "A Steak. And Kidney Pie".

I can still see the smirking bastard now. Grrrrrrrr.

And every time I see him all I can hear is this grinning voice saying "Steak. And Kidney Pie". It makes me quite irrationally enraged, it's rather bizarre really.

And the pie looked crap, too.
(richardm, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 16:43, 3 replies)

CJ De Mooi of the Eggheads
Never have I encoutnered such a smug bell end in my life.

I can barely contain my rage when I see this arrogant twat rolling his eyes, sleazing about and tutting when his team mates get answers wrong on an episode of Eggheads.

Memorising loads of useless facts does not make you intelligent you idiot.

If I ever see you on Twickenham highstreet you better run. Fool.
(Errorist, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 16:29, 3 replies)

Just a few I noticed earlier
Ricky Gervais - Wanker. I agree with a letter in Viz a bit back that said "he's very funny, I especially like the way he pretends to be a cunt by telling people how many awards he won"

Chris Moyles - Why is this man on the radio rather than the dole queue? I get the impression that he is desperately trying to be like Jeremy Clarkson, but just takes it too far and just ends up being offensive, and not in a funny way either.

Tenuously famous, leader of the Lib-Dems in Hull Carl Minns - a more smug grinning glory-seeking twat I have yet to encounter. Why he is smug or grinning is beyond me because he is about as much use as a wooden frying-pan.

Finally, Mrs SLVA can't bide Rob McElwee, the BBC weather-bloke, it's the way he presents the forecast. Personally, I quite like his style.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 16:18, 1 reply)

DAVID ICKE
Self proclaimed “most controversial speaker and author in the world." He argues that human beings are the result of a breeding program conducted by a race of reptilians called Anunnaki from the planet Draco, and that what we call reality is nothing but a holographic experience. He also used to present the sport on TV and was a former goalkeeper for my hometown club... Shocking... Absolutely shocking... Couldn't save a penalty for toffee, David Icke.

I remember watching the interview he did with Terry Wogan and laughing my tits off. Please feel free to laugh your own tits off at your pleasure here:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OSmdej56cw

This bloke is – without a doubt – a grade A first class nutter.

Then a couple of years back I was strolling through Archway near my gaff on a mission to pick up a few cans of Stella and a pizza, and I noticed a shitload of people were pretty damn well freaked out. They were stood still, gazing up at the darkening sky. I turned my head upwards and witnessed this:

www.islingtongazette.co.uk/content/islington/gazette/news/story.aspx?brand=ISLGOnline&category=news&tBrand=northlondon24&tCategory=newsislg&itemid=WeED09%20Feb%202007%2010%3A56%3A52%3A220

And here’s the vid:

www.islingtongazette.co.uk/video/UFOfootage.aspx

And it pretty much freaked the freaking freaky fuck out of me. Apparently they were explained away as those little Chinese lantern things – fuck that. They were moving too fast and in tight formation, stopping occasionally to have a bit of a hover. Some people said they were planes. Quite frankly if you live in this part of North London on Heathrow and Gatwick’s flight path you know what a fucking plane looks and sounds like. Now, I’m not saying these were lizard men having a bit of a butchers at the good folk of Archway on their way to some Intergalactic Commission where David Icke was guest speaker, but...

And the scariest part of this for me was that for a brief moment I actually thought: Maybe that David Icke fella isn’t a complete nutjob after all...

But I came to my senses pretty damn quickly. Well, maybe all this lizard man bollocks might just possibly have a grain of truth to it... But David Icke was and probably still is an incredibly shit goalkeeper. So, in years to come when he may, just may be proven right, I can carry on hating him for that reason alone.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 16:18, 17 replies)

I hate that Sisko bloke who was on Celeb Big Brother
not that I watched any of it. When my mate told me Sisko was on BB I thought it would be the captain from Deep Space Nine.

But noooo... it was this pillock


*Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!*
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 16:11, Reply)

I dont really mind Cheryl Cole that much....
...but i think this is classic.

twitter.com/CherylKerl
(Grove is the collector of WOO and hoarder of YAY, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 16:00, 8 replies)

The most famous foreigner in China is this guy called “Da Shan”
And he winds me up like nothing else.
It's partially jealousy that his Chinese is a lot better than mine, part annoyance with his breathtaking simultaneous whoring to both the Chinese communist party and the world of capitalist marketing crap, but mainly the fact that he effectively fulfils the function of the "harmless foreigner it's ok to like". He may as well be neutered.
Here he is - www.dashan.com/en/index.htm
( Zuowan, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 15:57, Reply)

Ricky Gervais
what a total bell-end
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 15:56, Reply)

Jeremy Kyle
I was pretty sure he was the spawn of Satan until I realised that that would make him Noel Edmonds' brother. Not only do they not look alike, they have different surnames as well.
(Haywood Manley, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 15:40, Reply)

Anyone on Fox News
especially Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly & Sean Hannity.
(Chopper3, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 15:38, Reply)

Micheal McIntyre
I once spent a day filming with Michael McIntyre before he was famous.

He was very nice.

That is all.
(MrHungry, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 15:36, 3 replies)

Charlie Brooker
I hate Charlie Brooker because he's always right, the smug twat.
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 15:33, 6 replies)