Heres a thought!
Has anyone ever thought what Goatse's farts must be like? I bet he has no bumhole resistance at all, thats what makes the noise. Imagine every flumper you do being silent! I don't know if that is a good thing or not, the noise makes up at least half the satisfaction for me.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 12:24, Reply)

I farted really loudly on a train once...
It really upset my daughter at the time, as I'd just soiled her favourite toy.

She hardly ever plays with her train set now.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 12:22, Reply)

Peppermint Fresh
I was on some serious painkillers for a broken back, a side effect was to "stop" everything (in the pooing dept)... so to counteract this they gave me pure peppermint oil tablets to assist in getting everything moving. I have 100% genuinely achieved minty fresh farts... I think you can get the tablets over the counter at the chemist if you want to try this at home.
(nutttywings is living on the edge until, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 11:27, Reply)

Ahh farty-tastic
I have just released a lovely batch of poo-particles into the office. Used the classic technique of fidget, raise a cheek, and puff one out. The best part is that an ex-employee has just bought in their new born. Oh how the looks of distain are being directed to this innocent party! Who would have thought, Jalfrazi was a good dish to serve to one so young. Priceless!
(B3any_pants, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 10:55, Reply)

Pulling the Finger.
I point at one of my children.

They pull my finger.

I fart.

Wife hits me.

Excellent fun!
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 10:37, Reply)

Mackeson_drinker
the actual joke is like this, and far superior to your effort

as posted by abefroman in the mistaken identity question:

A bloke goes into a pub and orders a pint of bitter. He specifically asks for a head on his pint which he duly gets.

The punter asks the barman if he could keep an eye on his pint while he goes to the gents and the barman says no problem.

The bloke comes back from the gents and the pint is there but the head has gone.

"What happened to the head on my pint?!" he asks the barman, to which he replies, "Er well you see that large athletic looking lady over there? While you were in the gents she came over and farted on your pint which blew the head off it".

"Right" says the angry punter, "I'm going to have a word with her!"

He storms over to the lady and asks, "Excuse me, fart in my Whitbread?", she says, "No I'm Tessa Sanderson".
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 10:26, Reply)

Fresh
There I was, queueing up to buy a drink in a branch of a certain newsagents when I had to let one go. The night before was Vindaloo night, and as such it was a pretty noxious fume (silent, of course). Now, you know that it's going to be a smelly one when it has a certain warmth on passing. My mate who was standing with me suddenly departed and hid in the record department whereupon he started giggling like a girl.

The absolute roarsome part of this story is when the newsagent asked the lady in front of me if she had something fresh in her bag! "Yes", she replied "I have just been to Marks".
( Guff McFlange Yes, but can it be made out of Lego?, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 10:00, Reply)

Oceanic Sealife
I had to go to Cornwall once with some of my family for a funeral. It was my dad, my brother, his fiancee and their baby, and myself. We travelled in my dads motorhome but as my brother had the nipper with him, he got to sleep in it, whilst my dad and myself were regected to sleeping in a tent, in a field, with loads of drunk Welsh students.

I couldn't sleep much that night, so I decided to just lie there and listen to the shit that the students were going on about, some of it was pretty funny and I had to try not to laugh, otherwise I would be sussed out. All of this while my dad was snoring his head off like a growling bear.

Then the snoring stopped, my dad shuffled about and let out a huge fart. It was one of those really deep bowel farts and kind of echoes inside your body.

The students went silent, then one said..

"What the fuck was that? It sounded like a fucking whale!"

Damn it was difficult not laughing too loudly!

I made sure that my dad knew about this in the morning.
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 9:46, Reply)

Other than teaching my 3 year old to cupcake...
and when he was 2 to "taste his tongue" and say "Errrrgh - I can taste that" whenever someone farted...

I like to fart loudly, as my dog always looks up, and turns and sniffs her arse in case to check if it was her that did it.
(mrpaulo shaving the world, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 9:35, Reply)

Undiluted
My ex once farted directly up my nose during a 69. It was incredible. Totally undiluted, pure methane straight into the nostril.

Luckily I came shortly after so avoided vomiting. Yet another reason to thank my genitals.

I also once parped in my sleep with such volume and power that I woke up shouting 'What the hell was that?!', convinced the house was being broken into. It took a good few minutes before my wife convinced me that I was the cause. She would know after all as I once erupted in a night fart so revolting that she awoke in tears.

I can't pretend that I'm not proud of that.
(mudflaps, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 9:35, Reply)

Dunno about you
... but have you ever been round to your mother's house, taken a whiff of the air, imagine that it's a full sunday dinner and promptly discovered it's the smell of your brother's ripe guff?

(maybe it's just me?)

.
(kintore_homeboy tenuous links since 1986!, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 9:33, Reply)

My mate
has a qualitative measure of fart potency.

He reckons it's a good one if he can smell it outside on a windy day.

(By the way - what's up with the system - the latest posts page shows ones several hours old)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 9:32, Reply)

Successfully Passed
I was with my brother on a night out down town once. My brother and I had partaken in something that has the adverse effect of making your farts smell like rotting flesh, I'll let you guess what it was, but it came in tablet form.

Anyway, standing at the bar there were 2 stunning girls and 2 lads in front of us. All of a sudden I got a waft of something quite foul and instantly turned to look at my brother, he gave me the "Shit! I've been sussed out" look. The fart started to build it's strength by supping the life of everything in the near vicinity. But before it got to the noses of the girls in front, my brother decided to pass the buck...

"Urrrrgh, jesus christ! Who let that rip?! It was one of you 2 wasn't it?", he said pointing at the 2 lads.

The girls wrinkled their noses, went "Uurrrgh", laughed and walked off with their drinks and the 2 lads stood their looking embarressed. So much so that one of them even blamed his friend!

And he even took the blame!!

Classic.
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 9:32, Reply)

Longest Wooden Structure in Ireland
Kilkenny is a great party town in Ireland and after a very booze weekend I was dragged along to visit Kilkenny Castle. We popped into the Blue Hall, “….the Longest Wooden Structure in Ireland.” the guide announced, with about 30 or so other day trippers and Yank Tourists. Alas the best part of 30 odd pints of the black stuff over the last 2 days had had a sudden and eye watering affect on my bowels. In fact so sudden and so pungent I was almost certain it was running down my leg.
The place emptied. It was as if some one had set off the fire alarms. I grabbed my girlfriend and walked out the door muttering “God some dirty bastard…”
homepage.eircom.net/~osrai/kilkenny_castle.htm
(Cob, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 9:30, Reply)

Cleverly induced Dutch Oven
Sometimes the hardest part of pulling off a Dutch Oven is getting your other half's head underneath the duvet to fully appreciate your slowly baked arse-stench.

A mate informed me of an interesting method - if you're both lying face up then start pretending to hawk one up and spit it at the ceiling. In the inevitable rush to avoid a lovely phlegmball square on the nose, she will duck under the cover, at which point you let rip, safe in the knowledge she will recieve your "offering".
(d371ght back again since, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 9:27, Reply)

well you asked for it
firstly I hate my bloody laptop. five times trying to post this and it keeps crashing!!
Anyway, Monday night I had the oh so unenjoyable experience of having my prostate examined. Joy beyond measure, now I know why the ladies whinge! So there I am feeling ever so slightly vulnerable while this sadistical bastard inserts what feels like his entire arm up the date hole when I get the overwhelming need to fart. Now you can't clench up when someones treating you like Sooty, so the moment the way was clear I let loose the loudest longest stinkiest fart ever. Now I could hardly try to say it wasn't me, I'd parted the fellas hair on the otherside! still his own fault for not being more gentle.
length? felt like up to the elbow,
not so much as a cuddle afterwards. MEN!!
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Wed 18 Jul 2007, 8:18, Reply)

A Very Farty Family
Well let's see....where to begin....

The hubby, Fat Bastard, has farted and smelled our bedroom up so bad that we had to open the windows...in the middle of the night...in mid February...in New York. He's also let one rip that started with a "POP!" and then creaked like an old door opening in a scary movie. He's also attempted to fart in my face by telling me "Honey...I think I have something on the back of my leg.." and when I went to look...he farted right before I got my face down there. We've also experience "coitus interruptis" due to him just about shitting himself.

Our 4 year old...Little Bubby....farts and then in the comedic stylings of Steve Martin yells "EXCUUUUUUUSE ME!!" and of course laughing all the while. He does this no matter where we are...home...my parent's house...the store...the doctor's office....anywhere. I'm telling you...that kid can clear a room already and the louder and smellier it is...the harder him and our other son, Little Bastard, laugh. Little Bastard will fart and then proclaim in a loud voice "HEY! I TOOTED!!" and then they'll both laugh like hell.

Me?? Mine are usually SBD after a variety ot things...BK onion rings, PB&J, bologna and cheese, and sour cream and onion potato chips. Not all at the same time mind you...I think that would cause SBDs to kill a small community!! Of course today after eating a cheese filled danish cake like thing...I've had killer farts. The kind that you hear coming for hours before they show up...and some of them showed up while I was reading this QOTW. Made me laugh so hard I was farting like a CHAMP! Nice, loud and smelly...makes me proud.

The FB and I are also charter members of the "Shit your Pants" Club. I've followed through on more occasions than I care to mention. As the FB says...FART stands for Forced Air 'Round Terd....

Length?? The best one has been about three seconds of pure unadulterated stank!!
(bitchymama belongs to the fat man on..., Wed 18 Jul 2007, 4:37, Reply)

Repost, but too good to waste...
Me and some friends were standing chatting in Cambridge's University Library (a huge, redbrick cock of a building) when a grey-haired woman came rushing past us, and down the stairs to the exit. This uncommonly brisk and impolite passer-by was accompanied, roughly five seconds later, by a putrefying smell best described as the 'bowels of hell'. It was only at that point that we all put the face to a name.

Germaine Greer had guffed in our corridor. It was terrible.
(ProudClod, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 4:14, Reply)

I used to be very over weight
and tried the drug Xenical. It's already been mentionned here, but to recap; it prevents absorption of a large proportion of dietary fat. Basically, you shit out most of the fat you consume. The idea of Xenical is to encourage a low fat diet - that's how it helps weight loss mostly - like cognitive behaviour therapy.

However, I was at university, and so low fat food was scarce, while kebabs were plentiful. I once farted and followed through. I'm reminded of this story by Ovum Factory's post.

I was in bed and like Ovum Factory I shat through my underwear, through the sheet and onto the mattress.

Unlike Ovum Factory however, I also shat through the mattress, through the bed itself (one of those silly divan things with fabric over wooden slats) and onto the floor underneath the bed!!!
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 2:48, Reply)

Bit off topic
But I feel I must share. Mr P has just sat me down for a 'serious' conversation. On Sunday we all got a little bit drunk on vodka laced with cranberry, and then pomegranate, and then just pure and simple vodka. Thing is, we are not posh peeps, the only reason we had 'posh veg' in our beers was cos it was on offer at the co-op late shop over the road.

Turns out Mr P has smelled cranberry and pomegranate in his wee and poo for 3 days now and as such thinks that the neat vodka has caused his liver to give up the ghost.

Bless him, he's smelling the Lush soap I bought at the weekend; now living in the soap dish on the bath at the side of the loo. Should I tell him?
( no longer a user, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 0:17, Reply)

Old ladies are the sneakiest, FACT.
I was on a bus, sitting opposite this old lady, at first she seemed nice enough, but then she leans over sideways (just a little) and (silently) this absolute STINKER comes out, and she sits there, with this death's-head grin on her face. It was a absoulute NUKE.
I nearly died.

Length?--i couldn't hear it.

wooyay first post!!!
(this one is a bit.... did it on, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 0:12, Reply)

Currently
my farts smell like Branston pickle.

The small, sandwich variety.
(ratthingbazzterd, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 23:36, Reply)

Should I call an ambulance?
I'm lying in bed and reading the forum on my PDA as my girlfriend sleeps besides me: I've just farted what smells like pepperami and although I'm proud, I don't think my missus is breathing...
(paulplex erm, hi..., Tue 17 Jul 2007, 23:19, Reply)

Hello Everyone! First post here!
Well, like many others I enjoy a good guff, especially at the most inappropriate of times. A good instance was when I went to the cinema to see Kill Bill Vol. 2. For anyone who hasn’t seen it there’s a bit where Uma Thurman goes up a hill and starts on an old man. Anyway, after a big ruck, they sit down and have a cup of tea, if my memory serves me correctly, and everything is all peaceful and serene. It was at this point my anus decided to voice its opinion on Tarantino’s latest effort. I had my cinema seat at that 45 degree angle with my feet on the chairs in front (’coz I’m bad). But my bumhole was positioned so it was half on and half off the seat in what I’ve come to describe as the ‘half moon’ position and this causes the most intense reverb. When I let rip, it produced the loudest, driest, THX surround sound fart I’ve ever produced. My female companion and I imploded with hysterics, tears streaming down my face. And just as I composed myself, I’d hear a muffled snigger from my pal which would set me off again and vice versa for her. This interchange went on for at least 20 minutes. I had to stuff my hat in my mouth while I convulsed with suppressed laughter in order not to disturb other moviegoers.

Still, it was the best part about the film if you ask me; they should add it to the commentary track on the DVD.
(BillCosby, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 23:13, Reply)

Old Fart Joke
This is getting a bit dated now, only Brits of a certain age will get this. However,everyone I have told it to falls about laughing ( honest!)
Q. What do you call a Woman that 'breaks wind' in your beer?
A. Fartima Whitbread.
(Mackeson_drinker, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 22:28, Reply)

Rectal Examination
A couple of years ago I had a slight stomach ache but figured I was just hungry. To ease my stomach I decided to have a takeaway Indian (nothing spicy though). Unfortunately throughout the night I felt progressively worse.

The next morning the first thing I did was release liquid from both ends, not a very endearing thing for my housemates to hear at 7am. However, the worst was still to come!

Throughout the rest of the day liquid poo continued to pour out of my bum. By the evening I was dehydrated so after consultation with NHS Direct I took myself off to casualty. Thankfully I made the taxi journey without discharging any further atomic waste.

Once in casualty they decided that I either had food poisoning or appendicitis. Either way, I needed to be re-hydrated so they admitted me to a surgical assessment ward. By this time it was about 1am and all I wanted to do was die quietly in a corner.

The consultant who admitted me was an old man who had with him a junior doctor. They decided I needed a rectal examination. I promptly laid on my side expecting the worst with a sheepish look on my face. The nurse feeling my embarrassment was kind enough to say “well your day just keeps on getting better and better”.

The consultant asked what the junior doctor should be feeling/looking out for, on went the glove with some Vaseline (how grateful I was). The fingers went up my arse, the junior doctor had a poke around. While junior doc was having a poke I felt my stomach start to grumble – I was either going to fart or poo, possibly both. At that moment the junior doc decided there was nothing untoward but as he released his fingers my bowels exploded.

I had managed to spray bright yellow liquid poo all over the doctor, he wasn’t wearing scrubs but instead quite an expensive looking suit. The consultant looked unimpressed, the doctor looked like he was about the cry and the nurse just had a tiny grin etched on her face. I couldn’t even begin to start apologising because at that point I started to retch.

The next day I heard the story retold by many nurses as they changed shifts. By the time I was discharged (minus an appendix) I swear the nurses waved goodbye and quietly thanked me for spraying the doctor rather than them.
(Spray Girl, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 22:09, Reply)

My guts are knackered so i can cheat
Long story, but because of some dodgy disease, my guts attack themselves regularly.

What this does mean is that i can produce some of the most horrific farts imaginable

I have not only cleared rooms/train carriages etc, but once during a fire drill cleared an OUTSIDE space of about 200 people

I have also had a fart that lasted 15 seconds.

I have farted so loudly that i have woken people up - in another room.

It used to be embarrassing, now i find it entertaining.

Oh yeah, i have made the wife physically sick with a dutch oven before now - ho hum :)
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 22:01, Reply)

Where to begin...
It's a good thing I'm a girl, what with girls not breaking wind or experiencing arousal or performing other grotesque bodily functions, otherwise I might have done something like...

The time my best friend and I decided to compete for the love of a young man by having a fart fight. In front of him. And I won because my friend just couldn't compete with my level of long, bass, sofa-vibrating rumbles. As I positioned myself to KO her with a direct blow to the head she tried to defend herself by shoving a pillow up to my arse. She felt both the vibration, and the wind of my passage through the pillow, and I was victorious. Never did get the guy, though... wonder why.

Also, slightly off-topic, but I also hold a record for the scariest shits my other half has ever seen. They're just a bit big, really, but recently when I was unwell they compacted into terrifying proportions. About 6 inches long, 2 inches + wide and SOLID. Bloody painful; I had to press down on the edge of my arsehole to help them through because I simply couldn't stretch any more. Then a particularly nutty one (which stung like buggery and took me 30 min to push out) tore me open inside and I pooped blood for 3 days...

So it's a good thing I'm a sweet, feminine, girly creature whose fragile body doesn't produce such disgusting bodily waste.
(Bunny Mazonas, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 21:21, Reply)