well
I once farted so loudly that i woke up my friends mum who was asleep in the room UPSTAIRS with all doors shut in between us. She came down and saw us laughing so much that she accused us of being on drugs.

Another time after a helping of mushrooms in garlic butter, i was farting so hard every 5 mins or so that i made myself ill for a week. Not nice.
( Victor Meldrew, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 9:46, Reply)

Ass
I once farted and my ass killed afterwards.
Then I got a detention at school for making a vile smell.
(creem all over your face, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 9:32, Reply)

Cleared an entire disco
Not me of course, but a mate of mine managed exactly that.

4 of us "on tour", 3 days of nothing but curry and lager meant that all manner of vileness was emanating from him. So on the final Sunday night in a disco in Birmingham somewhere, the place is packed, 4 of us are all dancing away, when suddenly a space opens up in the centre of the dance floor. It expanded faster and faster, peopel falling over themselves to get the hell out of th eplace, until the DJ over the tannoy system yelled for everyone to clear out, and would the fucker, currently standing in the middle all on his own, shoulders shaking uncontrollably with laughter, face screwed up like a squinty Chinese person, kindly report to security.

Seeing as he was so pissed, he failed to acknowledge the instructions and the (reluctant) security guards heaved him out of the place. Took a good 15 minutes for the air to return to survivorable levels.

The looks of unamused disgust will stay with me for quite some time, as will the drunken, indifferent amusement of my pal.

Not sure the party was ever the same that night at least.

Ahh sweet memories.

Also, as a student, me and my mates made a fart tape. Every time anyone had one to go, we recorded it on a tape. Try playing back 35 minutes of non stop farts with accompanying laughs, groans and comments without laughing and you are more of a man than I.
(Spreddum O Grrrr. That's my vicious circle, that is., Tue 17 Jul 2007, 8:54, Reply)

Sleeping bag.
Was a young lad of 11 and staying around a mates. I couldn't stop farting in me sleeping bag much to my amusement and his disgust. It was even funnier to me in the morning when I got up and out of the sleeping bag. Fuck, I was suprised by the stench that rolled out in wave after wave, permeating everything in the room, obliterating the air. My mate was not impressed. I laughed like a loon.
The only other time, of botty burp awe, was when I used to work as a projectionist part -time. It was a small projection booth surrounded on three sides by the outside world. In winter it would get nice and toasty from the heat of the Xenon lamp (projects the light) and bastard hot in the summer.
I had been feeling pretty rough for an hour before work and felt seriously ill an hour into work. However, during the main feature I began to drop my guts like no tomorrow. Fuckin' ell. It was like cleansing my body of poison.(Mmm.. I guess it was- duuuuh). The smell was incredible and, as it was the height of summer, filled up the projection booth swiftly. I had to waft the door back and forth as it even got too much for me. It was minging in it's immensity, power and strength.
Felt 100% better by the time the credits were running.
Unfortunately, there was no one to share the experience with. Haven't had a patch on that since- fuck, and that was 21 years ago when I was sixteen. Thinking about it, it's probably best if I don't- probably be a collapsed kidney/liver or something I wouldn't really want!
(Dellamorte Dellamore Fuck it all, fuck it up, fuck it., Tue 17 Jul 2007, 8:02, Reply)

Work
At work male and female staff share a communal "staff" toilet area. Its horrible walking in when one of your colleagues has preceeded you, leaving a smelly reminder of their time spent in there.
(kitescreech still here, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 7:21, Reply)

Hello? Hello?
A mate once dropped a fart that sounded like someone trying to tune in a shortwave radio. Must have had the sphincter closed down tight that day.
(Gordon Shumway, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 5:18, Reply)

I like to fart in empty (and sometimes full) elevators just before I get out
It makes me laugh to myself for ages, just thinking of the next person to step inside the seemingly empty elevator & their reaction to the realisation that my fart is going to accompany them on their trip.
I once did this in an elevator at some corporate offices, only to return 25 minutes later to find my fart still there.
Every now and then there is someone waiting to get in as I step out. Makes me laugh even more, because they usually smile back at me as we swap places.
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 3:41, Reply)

I've Farted
My mother had the vicar and the vicar's wife to tea

They cleared the room, they blamed it on the dog

But it was - me!

I've farted, I've farted,
I've made a trouser cough
I've whistled in my Y-fronts
I've just peeled one off
I've blown my bowel bugle
I've been eating peas
I've broken wind
I've dropped my guts
Open the window please

I've been eating cabbages, prunes and pears and beans

Drinking Dandelion & Burdock, and you know what that means

Polluting the environment, my friends leave me alone

The front of me sings tenor and the rest sings baritone

I've farted, I've farted,
I've made a trouser cough
I've whistled in my Y-fronts
I've just peeled one off
I've blown my bowel bugle
I've been eating peas
I've broken wind
I've dropped my guts
Open the window please

Bubbles in the bath!
Real rip snorters!
Up on one cheek and hope it don't make a noise.
Window rattlers!
Cushion creepers!
Don't shake your leg and keep it in your corduroys!

A gentleman tells before it smells, he waves his jacket 'til it's gone

But I'm the kind of sneaky bugger, who lets off and doesn't let on

I let them go in lifts, in queues, in phone-boxes and trains

And when they stink, the people blink and blame it on the drains

I've farted, I've farted,
I've made a trouser cough
I've whistled in my Y-fronts
I've just peeled one off
I've blown my bowel bugle
I've been eating peas
I've broken wind
I've dropped my guts
Open the window please

I say, have you farted?
Of course I have - d'you think I always smell like this?
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 1:05, Reply)

Not even going to bother trying
Just wanted to say A) Vegetarians do not fart any more than meat eaters, it's simply down to idiots not cooking their lentils/beans/other pulses or vegetables thoroughly. And B) I read about a study where a little boy farted onto a petri dish and a load of gross stuff grew, so it's not only coughs and sneezes that spread diseases. (Story hyah canberra.yourguide.com.au/detail.asp?class=news&subclass=national&category=general%20news&story_id=67008 )
(bonjelafiend, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 0:57, Reply)

Not me and a bit more than farting...
In the Orchestra I'm in, we go on regular tours around Europe. It just so happened that this year we went to Spain. Now, if you imagine Spanish fancy restaurants, you'd think the food was nice. However, as an orchestra on a budget, we ate en masse at the shittiest places (when we roamed around ourselves it was fine). It was on this tour I had my worst meal ever. But I digress.

We went to play at this bullring and had just had a rehearsal at about 5pm, so we went for a bite to eat. The meal was passable and we were all sat around laughing and joking as you do. I needed the toilet and so got up and walked to the toilet (unsurprisingly).

When I got in there, there was no-one there (or so I thought) and I proceeded to go to the urinal and relieve myself. Then, the most humungous fart ever lifted the ceiling tiles, followed by a *plop* sound as the conductor emptied his bowels. My piss went everywhere as I tried my hardest not to laugh. I quickly ran out and escaped from Colditz to freedom.*

Length? about 5 seconds?

*Last part may not be true
(The_Reaper, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 23:26, Reply)

Partial pearoast...
In the Pet Stories thread I wrote of the fate of my daughter's friend Amanda's hamsters:

Apparently she had at least one of each gender, for one of them got very fat and delivered a pile of wriggling little things one night. Amanda was ecstatic as she saw all these little teeny things growing up, day by day, imagining all the fun she would have with about a dozen of the little creatures.

They had run out of hamster food one night, so her mother shredded up some cabbage which she fed to the little nursing mother. Unfortunately it seems that cabbage has the same effect on hamsters that it has on us.

The lot of them died from suffocating in methane after farting all night.

I wish I could say that I had invented that story, but even my imagination couldn't come up with something that grotesque.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 16 Jul 2007, 21:57, Reply)

My cat.. again :D
He's not one yet but when we got him last september at 6 weeks old, he was a cute little thing.
But for about three days he had a bloated belly and didnt even do a poo or a wee.
Bless him, he began shitting everywhere and pissing in the corner, behind the tv.
He also had a little spot where he would do little shits.
And when he does shit... the WORST smell ever.
Cat food (which itself is quite bad) mushed up mixed with poo.

Nonetheless, he's pretty fit.
(I've got the clap has some cool sentence here, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 21:48, Reply)

Same as every one else....
I think farts and farting is hilarious, when its me that's the giver! My Ma once farted in a quality street tin and waited for some one to open it, then did it again and again until she had got the whole family. Also have the same little giggles as a lot of others,farting and following through at inconvenient times, xenical related oily, smelly, liquid poop and plenty of sitting on various members (ha ha ha ha) of the family and letting rip, just for the crack (pun intended!).
Pull my finger!
( randomwomanwholikespink, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 21:07, Reply)

Tescos and Farting
We used to have a cat, (Till the local Vet Murdered it.)

But thats another story.

Every time we went to Tescos and went down the Pet Food aisle to Purchase food for 'fore metiond Cat the present Mrs pir8, always in a Pavlovian Manner, Let rip, I still to this day do not know what triggered these event's but it sure was embarrasing.(Not)

Their was always someone walking into the aisle at the critcial Moment and more than once we heard some member of Tescos finest Start to sniff as we walked out of the aisle in silent hysteric's !!!!!!!

She once farted in a Local B&Q's Just as a member of staff came around the corner to walk headfirst into a Fog of Poo Odour !!!!!!

Again we were in Hysterics!!!!!!!

We work for the same company and one of our colleagoes actually got a written warning for farting in the Office and it is was Foul!!!!!

Of course I dont Fart !!!!!!!!!!!!
(pir881, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 20:27, Reply)

I bet...
I once got back from a night out, absolutely wangeye, as is good and proper for a student. One of my friends opened my laptop to change my facebook profile to make me look like a bummer, and the other passed out on my bed. After a few minutes:
Me: "I wonder if I can wake Laura up with a fart?"
Andy: "Don't be fucking stupid"

I can never resist a challenge.

Laura's hair wavered in the resulting wind, before the fatal words were uttered:
"dperren, that absolutely stinks!"

Yes. I have woken someone up with a fart. I am also (sadly) proud of this.
(Merrep, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 20:18, Reply)

A long time ago in a bathroom not so far away...
This happened quite a while back, but the memory of it will stay vivid in my mind until the day I die.

Once upon a time, there was a young boy by the name of littlenipple. He had an older brother who went by the name of Good Looking Deity. One day, Good Looking Deity decided to be a good boy and pretended that littlenipple had shat himself. Good Looking Deity took littlenipple off to the bathroom and ordered him to pull down his pants and trousers. Littlenipple did so.

However, there was no poo. Just to make sure, Good Looking Deity bent down and got really quite close to littlenipple's rectum. Twas upon this movement that littlenipple's bowels started to move.

And out the came the funniest fart I have ever done in my entire life. My brother finds it distinctly less funny than I do, but that may be because he couldn't see his face.

You know the faces people pull when experiencing G-Force?
Like that. But smellier.

Click 'I Like This' for photo's.*



*photo's may not exist.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 20:17, Reply)

Outback Steakhouse.
Outback Steakhouse isa chain of steak restaurants in the United States based upon a faux-Australian style. They serve an appetizer there they refer to as the Bloomin' Onion. Essentially, it's seasoned deep fried onion peels. While it is large, the thing is large enough to serve as an entire meal. The calories in one alone are equal to that of a full meal.

The result of eating one of these are onion farts that are so pungent that one can easily choke a small animal to death without using hands, and very likely bring tears to a grown adult's eyes. And they just don't stop. You'll be blasting onion farts for days after just one of these.

This is why I now classify said Bloomin' Onion as a "Weapon of Arse Destruction".
(KansaiKitsune offers little girls rides in his Tardis., Mon 16 Jul 2007, 19:44, Reply)

Middle of a Tai Chi lesson...
Everyone was quiet, moving in sequence and relaxed.

Unfortunately I was a little too relaxed.

*parp*

The teacher didn't react and carried on the Tai Chi sequence, but the rest of us were incapable of anything for the next five minutes.

I don't go to Tai Chi any more...
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 19:42, Reply)

Baby pumps
This dates back to when my youngest offspring was 6 months old (she's now 3 years old). She was just learning to sit up by herself and was happily propped up on the marital bed watching me put the huge amounts of laundry we produce away when her mashed carrots percolated through her infant system. She farted so hard that she fell over and burst into tears. Unfortunately, Mummy scaredy-cat laughed that hard the poor child stayed slumped for at least two minutes before I was able to rescue her. I'm so looking forward to reminding her of it when she's at those awkward teenage years.
(scaredy-cat, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 19:40, Reply)

My girlfriend's dog...
...is the undisputed master of flatulence.

Bear in mind that this is a Jack Russell terrier, a small and unassuming thing. Here, look for yourself:



Have you ever seen anything so sweet and innocent looking?

The problem comes when Rosie eats grass. She doesn't do so often, fortunately- but when she does, her insides start to percolate. She'll be lying there and a symphony of weird sounds come from her belly, while she looks up at you with those big adoring brown eyes.

This will go on for days. No farts, just a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. And the suspense builds.

Then after about a week of rumblings, there will be a horrifying stench that will cause me to throw open the windows in the middle of winter and threaten to throw her out of one of them from the second floor. At this point she's no longer so sweet and innocent.



(In all honesty, that picture was shot while I was holding a whoopie cushion. For some reason the sounds of it turned her into Beelzebub. And no, I didn't shop that picture at all- that's straight from the camera.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 16 Jul 2007, 19:15, Reply)

My dog
Is the best dog ever, he seems to hardly ever fart as well, but when he does, it seems to completely befuddle him... he sort of looks around behind him, then looks at you with a look of fear/confusion/worry, then walks away, leaving you with the stench. Go Sam!
(Ryuken-Kai, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 19:03, Reply)

Company Dinner and Dance
I went to my firm's very respectable dinner and dance one year. My friend turned up with a girl he'd met the night before. We were all sat around the table when this girl farted.
She turned to everyone at the table wafting her hand and said. "F****ing Hell.Sorry. I've just dropped me guts."
The looks on all the other girlfriends and wives faces were priceless.
Me, I had to leave the table or I'd shit myself laughing!
(the puddin, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 18:34, Reply)

I was at Loch Lomond.....
....yesterday for the final round of the Scottish Open. We were standing at the 17th green just as the players were on their way after teeing off. There was quite a crowd and therefore not a great flow of air between bodies. All of a sudden, as Phil was preparing to sink that cracking 15ft putt for birdie, my nasal passages were infiltrated by the most pure and vile arse particals i've ever encountered. There was nothing in the way of a warning. The culprit, obviously a keen golf fan, had rather thoughtfully let go as quietly as possible so as not to disturb Mr Mickelson. His plan almost backfired though as i was close to gagging! Everyone around me seemed not to notice, probably trying to avoid the embarrassment of "smelt it dealt it".* Due to lack of airflow it lingered for what seemed like minutes. It was like ingesting raw sewage! Anyway, I think someone must have needed a new pair of shorts as a result. Utterly awful!

On second thoughts, it could have just been the stench of the way Mickelson played the last 5 holes?*

*probably not really.
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 18:32, Reply)

Tights
Days of yore, I (and the rest of my year 6 class) were involved in the school play of Christopher Columbus.
The majority of the cast ended up in several layers of tights, this included our friend - Farty Pete.
Now, we love Pete, he's a magnificent bastard, but there is something wrong with that boys innards.
At lunch, every single day, he would disappear at precisely 12:10 to shit himself stupid for half an hour.. and it was not unknown for us to go in and put him off.

On one of the performance days, Pete must've had something wrong to eat, he was pumping away like a trooper... and it was getting trapped in these several layers of tights, causing them to balloon significantly. This balloon effect in itself was funny, however, after a gruelling half hour of acting, Pete became tired and sat down at quite a speed. This caused the trapped poison to rise up to the top of his tights as fast as possible, some escaped out the back, but the majority of it reached his thighs which promptly exploded with a strange *fffllllllthhpop!*

This entertained everyone for a good 15 seconds until the smell hit them, it was like something had died, been re-animated and given a job working at a fish factory which then burned down and was replaced with a landfill.
It was foul. Pete still refers to it as his proudest moment.

Length and all that.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 18:23, Reply)

in the resteraunt.
A few years ago, when i was a wee sprog of 8, my parents decided to take me to London, oh what fun we had! until dinner time on the second day. More specifically the repercussions of that meal. Now something neither me or my parents new was that I had a slight problem with chicken gizzard, when I say slight, i mean that every time i let rip, it left shitty skid marks on my underwear. So a little thicker that a skidmark, but not as bad as a turd-crust.

Now, these gizzards really upset my stomach as the day went on, and my farts were becoming even more rancid. Then I decided to hold them in until I found a bathroom where I could relieve myself, because of a suggestion from my parents, who were getting quite fed up of driving round with all the windows wide open in february. I didn't find one. All fucking day. When i had told them how badly i needed to go. Then my parents decided to eat out at this posh resteraunt with me, blatantly ignoring my groans and wimpers. it was a very upper class little finger with the tea kind of place that we found, but we hadn't had time to go home and get changed. and before I had a chance to find a bathroom, I let it out, and for any of you that have seen the Catherine Tate sketch with the woman in the cinema, you get the idea, but that wasn't it, oh no, I shat. And shat some more. And some more, liquid and solid alike, dribbling down my leg. but did i tell my parents? Did I fuck, I sat there all night with my best poker face until we went home, leaving small pools of shit that were still dribbling down my leg on the floor.

In the car on the way back to the hotel, I had to make a snap decision, sit in the shit encrused cloth for an hour car journey, or chuck it out the window whilst my parents were pre-occupied. I chose the latter. when I took them off I actually noticed that my farting had left a hole in the seat of my pants, so I hurried up and quickly got rid of it. I managed to get out of the car and back into the hotel room and grab some clothes before my parents could see that i was naked from the waist down and run into the bathroom to wash up.

*sigh* It would have all gone so well If I hadn't chucked the trousers into the path of a car behind us, heading to the same hotel as us With my trousers having my name in them, as all school boy's trousers have. My parents found out, and the shit hit the fan(pun). But it didn't end there because my flatulence happened to continue for a while afterwadrds, which ended with me in hospital after many days gagging on my own gas clouds. anyway, it turns out that I had a small piece of some shit or other my stomach causing me to fart, which was removed, and all was right with the world.

Length? well, the surgeon got it out O.K.
(wow, didn't expect this story to be this long, but I guess I had to break my B3ta cherry in style)

Edit: Bad spellers of the world, Untie!)
(Retardedpasta, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 18:07, Reply)

When I was at school
everybody called me "Seg" because it rhymed with "egg" which is what my farts smelled like. My proudest moment had to be when at the beginning of a drama lesson, I droppped my guts and it was so bad, the teacher had to open the huge doors at the side of the drama studio. I wonder what the headmaster thought as he could see 20+ students leaning out of the door and gagging.
(the.gregster, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 17:54, Reply)

Tune
I reckon all farts should be preceded with the following ditty;

Listen to this it's too good to miss
da da da da da da
*parp*
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 17:33, Reply)

as you'd expect
the bedshitter was pretty special at farting.

the first night i spent with him, he was still my boss and i still thought he had some charming elements about him.

he was living in a very long, thin basement flat in clapham. the kitchen was at one end of it and the garden was at the other. i went back to his after the pub, and after a lot of cider and a lot of fooling around, i went to sit outside in the garden. he went to the kitchen to get more cider.

from the other end of a victorian house, through victorian thick brick walls, the guff that he released sounded loud and clear. i swear to god it went on for over 5 whole seconds. i nearly fell off my chair, when, to quote the kid's song, "along came another, just like its brother, 5,4,3,2,1".

fucking disgusting!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 17:23, Reply)

How?
I was once sent for tests as I had suspected IBS (it turned out to be stress related due to my boss being a complete and utter mentalist. Luckily he's got cancer now and I regularly ring him and laugh till I cry at him, but that's another story).
I was on a residue-free diet for a week (jelly sweeties and lime juice cordial Yay!)before the actual day of the endoscopy. Having deposited my clothes and the shreds of my dignity in a locker and donned the hospital gown I was given an enema by two overweight sweaty nurses (something one could pay good money for in Soho, but I digress). After I had held this for as long as I could, I deposited the last greenish slimy contents of my bowel into the pan. I thought I was COMPLETELY empty. The endoscopy required inflation of my bowel during the procedure. Once The huge camera (I swear it had a tripod on it,really I do)was removed I was advised that "it may be necessary for you to release the inflation". Well No Shit Sherlock! I was in agony and then...............I released a trump of saturn V rocket takeoff proportions. It was mag-frickin-nificent. Long, tuneful and buttock wobbling, most satisfying.
Then I saw the result. I had shot a completely intact beansprout directly onto the head of the endoscopist. There it nestled in its glory, completely fresh and pristine looking. I hadn't the heart (or indeed the balls) to tell said endoscopist that I'd shot a beansprout into his immaculately coiffed hair, so I made my excuses and left, his rejoinder of "don't be embarrased, everyone does it afterwards, it's quite normal" ringing in my ears. How he explained a beansprout in his hair, God only knows, but how had it stayed in my bowel after a week of no real food AND an enema?
Other than that, I can verify the foulness of FD's arse in pooflake's posts, FD's an animal.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 17:22, Reply)