the abandoned pants
was in a pub a few years ago with my mate pervy matt. we had a few drinks and then pervy matt went off for a piss. he came back with a big smile on his face, and then proceeded to tell me that his pants were still here. a bit puzzled, i asked him wtf he was talkign about. he then told me that when we had been in that pub a few months earlier he'd let rip with a massive fart, but followed through. he went to the toilet and hid his soiled pants in the cistern of the toilet. he didn't tell us this at the time (obviously). could hardly belive it, but i did go and have a look. by now they were sparkling clean as they had been sitting in water for a few months. went back and told pervy matt that he should reclaim them, so he went back to toilet, squeezed them out in the sink and put them in his coat pocket.
( nikdude, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 21:59, Reply)

Aged about 8....
Boring lesson at school. Not concentrating. Out slips a monstrously loud one. Everyone turns around to look at me. Smoothly and without batting an eyelid I turn with the rest to stare at the poor sod behind.

Got away with it too, probably because the noise echoed around the huge classroom so loudl that it seemed to come from all directions.

He deserved it though.
(rob3rt, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 20:56, Reply)

This weekend I went to a festival
Where I was stupid enough to take ketamin. Spent the whole night farting in my sleep, my tent smelt like arse by the morning.
(nutsgeezer, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 20:50, Reply)

Clearing whole dancefloors
I'm a naturally flatulent person due to my addiction to cans of coke but when I fling a madras or beer in to the equation.. god help everyone.. :S

When I first moved up to Leeds, I'd been Teetotal so going for a night out usually ended up with me on the dancefloor, prancing around drunkenly like a loon until my guts start bubbling....

...bearing in mind, I'm a big bloke- I did get up to nearly 20st so all my farts usually sound like ducks quacking or even worse sound like I've shat myself.... much to everyones' amusement. But with beer, they tend to come out silently but with the ability to strip paint off a ship :p

Now... imagine a crowded dancefloor, lots of drunken people slobbering over each other like the world is going to end.... only for me to let go of smells that can only be described as silage... it's great because I get to the bar with the tactic of farting just a small distance away, thus not gaining any attention, waiting for the sea of crowd to depart and then take my place.... get in there!
(Mr_Squiffy mostly I'm farting in a bag to give to the needy, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 20:47, Reply)

Chicken Vindaloo and Weißbier

Wot he said.
(EvilMeister, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 20:28, Reply)

hereditary pfft
I think fartiness runs in the family. Mine sound like elephant roars (which must be the echo due to the absence of cock) and smell like a dead tramp dragged through puked up curry.

My dad has no sense of smell and usually waits until I'm in a confined space to let rip. Bastard.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 19:41, Reply)

Glastonbury 2003
It started out as a mere fart.

It then developed into the "I am no longer constipated" scene from Trainspotting.

And it ended in a brown sculpture of my small intestine.

Don't do drugs kids. Or if you do, make sure you're near a toilet.
(Light, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 19:03, Reply)

Fart in a jar
I've always fancied doing this but never got around to it.

Take a freshly cleaned jam jar, placed a penny inside, then after loading up on your fuel of choice guff into the jar. From there, snail mail it to someone on your 'this peron is a cnut' list.

Just the thought of this has me giggling.
(Neostenine's maker, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Even the Royals do it...
Phil is the main suspect.....the Queen is obviously downwind
farm1.static.flickr.com/139/361223935_3c8bd8d11a.jpg
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 17:00, Reply)

poison dwarfs granny
I was on my best behaviour 'off to see granny'
so I drove for hours and hours, only as we knock on the door, the poison dwarf ses: Oh BTW granny farts a bit-but we don't mention it...
we go in. Granny gets up; hellfarp!o how are farp!you? farp! and I'm busting a gut trying not to laugh, 'would you farp! like some Tea? farp!' So I hide in the bog for about five trying to think of drowning puppies or testicular cancer, anything serious like the phone bill.
oh there you farp! are, I've farp! poured you some farp! tea.
my hands are jiggling, there's tea in my saucer, tea on my jeans,
let me farp! get a cloth for you farp! and she farted every step of the way there and back to the kitchen. little old lady fruity farps & I'm avoiding the poison ones eyes cos she's looking really pissed off at my red face and the tears streaming down my cheeks and she hisses; god you are so juvenile! and that only makes it worse...
we stay for lunch and granny farter is doing courgettes for us. I'd managed to calm down some-mainly cos she'd sat and the cushion was acting as a silencer, when she said: 'the courgettes are from our garden would you like me to cut you some cheese?'
& I was gone, collapsed on the floor like a pissed on cat....
I never got invited back. don't know why, & me & the poison dwarf went our seperate ways


lenght= eternity & back
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 16:59, Reply)

Bert monkeysex
did we really need that 3 times? as it was written slightly different every time, kind of takes the spontaneity out of it really.
(chimpo2k, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 16:59, Reply)

Waking yourself up
My beloved other half has woken herself up before, with a bum-cheek-billowing midnight ripsnorter whilst asleep.

'Twas very cute to hear :

her: *snore*
her: *snore*
her: *snore*
her: *FPHTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTH!*
her: Huh?Wha?Uh? Wha' happened?!?!
me: (chortling) You farted
her: no I didn't!
me: yes you did!
her: oh....
her: *snore*
her: *snore*
( Young Master Ploppy, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 16:49, Reply)

Justice.
On of my mates from t'pub is constantly guffing away; loud, noxious, and uniquely tenacious. And he loves it; he laughs loudly as the poor unfortunates caught in the drop zone gag in horror and run for air. Naturally, he stays to enjoy his offering, sucking it down as if it were the finest perfume known to man.

So, I have developed a habit of, whenever possible, following one of his with a sneaky SBD. I derive a great deal of pleasure from watching the dirty sod willingly hoof back huge lungfuls of my flatus.

That'll learn 'im.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 16:48, Reply)

WHAT
2?
(abignumber, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 16:39, Reply)

Sounds really gross
But when I wake up on a morning when I'm 'up on bricks' so to speak, I do very loud, long farts.

One lasted about 2 minutes non-stop. My doctor was giggling like a girl when I told him.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 15:45, Reply)

m6 my arse
I farted in the car this morning, and the noise it made was that similiar to someone slowly letting air out of a Fifi and the Flowerpots Kids Bouncy Castle.

It lasted for a good full on 5 seconds. Following that I could feel my arse burning like Glasgow Airport and the stench that arose was near like what I would describe as death - but in smell version.

My eyes watered, I was coughing, I couldnt hear the radio due to a hum in my ears, and I nearly hit the fucking central reservation.

Finally I managed to drop the windows and breathe again, only to see that all cars behind me had dropped off at least 50 yards as I had been all over the fucking road.

Never ever again will I eat pot noodles at 2 in the morning.

Length? - Not much, but Ill use Rohypnol and rape your front bum.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 15:45, Reply)

B3any Pants
You have just reminded me of an office-based incident in which I parped in a secretary's face. She was looking for something in my desk drawer and I was unaware of her presence at the exact same time as I lifted a cheek...tee hee!
(NJ, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Motorway Madness.
I farted in the car this morning, and the noise it made was that similiar to someone slowly letting air out of a Fifi and the Flowerpots Kids Bouncy Castle.

It lasted for a good full on 5 seconds. Following that I could feel my arse burning like Glasgow Airport and the stench that arose was near like what I would describe as death - but in smell version.

My eyes watered, I was coughing, I couldnt hear the radio due to a hum in my ears, and I nearly hit the fucking central reservation.

Finally I managed to drop the windows and breathe again, only to see that all cars behind me had dropped off at least 50 yards as I had been all over the fucking road.

Never ever again will I eat pot noodles at 2 in the morning.

Length? - Not much, but Ill use Rohypnol and rape your front bum.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 15:38, Reply)

i want one
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ft_OHQXWJtM&search=toot

I need one of these man i could have some fun in tescos lol
(kthxbai, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 15:30, Reply)

FIRST POST
I was laying in bed a while back after just waking up, misses kthxbai just opened her eyes and stretched . Well i decided to say good morning the best way i know how, I lifted my leg and stepped on a barking spider . OMG i was well proud and she was speachless just giving me evils . This fart didnt even touch the side it just shot out at 100 mph and by god it was loud, the funniest part of it all tho was a voice from outside shouted "FUCKING HELLLLL DUDE" opps must have forgoten he window was slightly open . Much girly giggleing followed from both of us i mean how could she remain mad

If you can beat that i wanna hear about it!!!!

Oh and if anyone says ladies dont fart i have another story to prove they flippin well do .
We were doing the baby making tango the other night her legs were somewhere near her shoulders and i was well you know, getting busy with my love truncheon, she shot out an uncontrollable loud fart, the look on her face was priceless very embarassed she said omg im so sorry but it was to late i was already in stitches laughing like a big girl . After about 15 mins of me laughing and telling her i didnt mind she told me it was so bad it made my love marbles flap back and forth . That was enough to set us both off .
Farts are funny and god made them that way coz if they wernt meant to be funny he would have made them sillent and non smelly
(kthxbai, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 15:28, Reply)

Office Farts
I use to share an office with a man called Neill, now Neill was a funny chap, had many a strange quirk one of which was the vilest arse gas known to man. I swear he could produce it on demand.

Some occasions I actually had to stop what I was working on and leave. My eyes watering. One of these occasions my then boss asked me whats up. I simply told her to go and talk to Neill who was cracking up the other side of the door. She walked, turned walked out and then told me if that happened again to tell her so she could start disiplinary proceedings against him.

Once I made the mistake of sitting on his chair. About 10 seconds after I had, that same rank smell appeard released from it's spongey prison.

Click I like this if you to have had this hell.
(bitchell, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 15:08, Reply)

Depth Charge
I like to let out silent and deadly ones when going up escalators. As they tend to stay in the same area you let them out, everyone behind you gets it smack in the face.

I really should get a life....
(EvilMeister, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 15:05, Reply)

Try this on your next date!
My wife and I out for a nice meal at a fancy restaurant... We finish our meals and our third pint each about the same time.

She says she is full, I ask her 'Arent you going to clear your plate?' All that is left is a large purple piece of kale.

'Well -- what will you give me to eat it?' -- '10 dollars', '20 and you have a deal' she says'-- 'Done!' I shout and I put it on the table.

She heartily noshes the biggest purplest raw kale leaf ever and snatches the 20 from the table.

She had the worst green cloud gas ever for 3 straight days following... the worst. Like rotting garbage kept in an anus.
( teknikl, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 15:03, Reply)

Uncle Dave
is reknowned in our family for producing the foulest farts. I fondly recall an incident 14 or so years ago on a car rally/treasure hunt where our car pulled up behind a battered old white metro stuffed with 5 of my family including Uncle Dave. Suddenly the doors were flung open, screams and crys of "oh God", "Sweet Jesus" and other prayers for salvation as everyone bar Dave fled the car. Much coughing & swearing from the poor sods who got caught in his stench, while in the back seat Dave turned to face our car with the biggest grin on his face. But it was the thumbs up he gave that still makes me cackle like a loon.
( Lynxkitten, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 14:25, Reply)

Chicken Vindaloo and Weißbier
A Chicken Vindaloo (extra hot) washed down with several half liters of Weißbier (Franziskaner, obviously) makes for a lethal arse the next day.

I'm off to the local Indian tonight. God help my colleagues tomorrow morning.
(zangengeburt, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 13:32, Reply)

Nuttywings
As a matter of interest, into which end of your digestive tract did you put the peppermint oil?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 13:21, Reply)

In the name of vanity !!!!!
Back in my teenager days, like many others, I had the odd spot / Zit or two. Now to combat these, my mum, god bless her, got me to take sulphur tablets.
At the time i was living in the YMCA hostel with work colleagues. After approx two days into the course of the tablet regime, the ensuing fart gas that began to be expelled about every 2 mins was the worst smell ever imaginable !!! My farts would have such texture, that the gas would envelop my room mates like some virtual cling film layer, combined simultaneously with gagging on satan's gangrenous knob !!

Thanks mum !!!!
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 13:06, Reply)