Is Pedigree Chum food?
I have a story
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:46, 6 replies)

Hunt the sausage
I once worked in a soft porn studio for a dodgy sky channel. (sounds like a dream job but its a really smelly late night shift). The producer decided to do a food special. Off tripped the junior runner on a shopping mission to find phallic shaped food for that nights show....

Fast forward to later that night. "Run VT Run VT!" called the desperate producer. No more live naughtiness for the viewers that night. The remaining hours of saucy phone calls and nipple fondling was replaced by VT while we took turns to try and fish out broken bits of battered saveloy from an old slapper's chuff.
(lonely fantasist, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:45, 1 reply)

Flora
Margerine whilst an effective emergency lubricant should not be visually inspected afterwards due to the subsequent requirement of mind bleach and being put off toast afterwards. Simply jump in a hot shower asap instead!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:37, 1 reply)

We chose... poorly
A word of warning, if you and your partner ever get the sudden urge to slather your bodies with something and that something has to be yohgurt (chocolate mousse was out of the question for some forgotten reason) be sure and choose carefully. The urge befell me and my ex one day, back in the days where sex was still at the experimental stage for me, so we bought a large tub of Onken for to lick off each other, as you do.

However, this particular yohgurt was the kind with bits in; you know pieces of fruit, pips etc. The whole thing kinda stops being remotely sexy when you have to stop and chew intermittantly.

We had to admit defeat early on and the pot languished uneaten in the fridge. Neither of us could bring ourselves to finish it such was the shame.
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:34, 1 reply)

Marmite...
She laid there like a giant twiglet.

© Bob Monkhouse
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:32, Reply)

A small cup of the brown stuff please
Last night while cutting my hair my barber started an interesting discussion. Everybody in the shop was engaged in this discussion lasting 15 minutes or so. The topic?

How much poo we thought he'd eaten in his life given that he "sticks it right in" when giving a rim job to his wife.
( Captain V, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:30, Reply)

not really sex but
I have a friend that likes super hot curries and had issued me a challenge of making him one that he couldn't eat - so I went to the market and got some milder variation on the Naga Jolokia (which is quite hard to get hold of)
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naga_Jolokia_pepper

recommended to me by the indian that runs the fruit and veg stall - it was orange one he said he used the seeds from when making super hot curries for himself.

I chopped the chillies and other veg, chicken and prepared the curry, and as any knowledgable curry afficionado amongst you will know a curry must simmer for a while before it achieves its true potential.


I had an hour to kill while it simmered and my friend wasn't there yet, there was nothing on the tv so I sat on the internet for a bit, which any male will know eventually leads to a wank (there was nobody in the house)

Yes you guessed it i had a number three forgetting about all the chilli and assorted spices on my hands (and not having even bothered washing them DOH)

not only that but I'm in the acorn crew (circumcised) and i was using olive oil as lube


so i literally massaged chilli juices into my penis, and didn't notice during my left handed surfing until it started to throb a bit, which was quite nice at first, until the agonising heat started.

I put my penis under the cold tap for at least twenty minutes with tears in my eyes, i could not adequately describe to you the white hot pure unadulterated agony of it all and it still hurt just as much after 20 minutes and the only way i stopped the pain was by literally wanking yoghurt and milk into it but it still was a bit iffy and cold for a few days after
edit:
HE LIKED THE CURRY, IT WAS HOT

I am a nob. sorry for length etc.... LOL LOL LOL


click "I like this" - IT'S A TRUE ONE!
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:28, 19 replies)

One of your five a day
I tried to have sex with a cabbage once. She nearly fell out of her wheel chair.
(cornishbob is going to hell on, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:25, 6 replies)

Mmmmm Chunks
Using nutella as a sex aid then having anal can lead to a very nasty aftertaste if you caught up in the moment and don't sniff befor you lick.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:20, Reply)

my excitement
of reading the other 4 posts... has now meant i'm near 20th?
I tend not to have sex with fruit.. some of us just have other options.
(MissFlee tried again on, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:15, 1 reply)

Marmite
is not as sexy as you would think.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:14, 2 replies)

...
Chocolate ice cream sauce didn't work as well as I thought it would... infact it just makes a very sticky mess and gets very sickly quickly. It's a nightmare to wash off as well.

Strawberry body paste from Ann Summers is quite nice though.

That is all.
(Little Miss Vivica, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:10, Reply)

Before QOTW
there was the alt.tastless news group, that used to keep me in officeLOL's

so apologies for the plagerism but this is funny so worth it


Dear at'ers!

Once upon at time, I was browsing through alt.sex.bondage
and therein I found a "Guide for Slaves" posted by "rage".

I read through this guide, when under punishments I found this gem:

[Punishment] #25 -
"Smear a dildo with lubricant and sprinkle it with red pepper.
Insert it into your ass and enjoy the crashing waves of pain.
(Only for the truly daring. Serious enthusiasts only.)"

I think to myself: HA! That's just right for me. [1]
::now saying in a manly deep voice:: Hey, I'm a *real* man.
I can stand this. I am tough and *real* hardcore. ::thumping chest::

So I got a tampon [2](no, back then, I didn't have a dildo ),
smeared liberally it not with red pepper, *but* red Tobasco sauce.
(Yes, I *am* a man..) The stuff didn't soak easily into the tampon,
so it kept running onto my hands.

Moving to my knees, I bent forward as if worshipping Glub. Taking
the now soaked TobascoTampon(tm), I shoved it deep into my rectum.
Even the string that was dangling out was soaked in the red liquid.
Taking my reeking Tobasco hands, I rubbed them against my bunghole.

Hmm. It started to get warm. I rubbed my asshole a little.
It felt good.

It got warmer. Oh... I think I like this. ::sigh:: Pleasant.
I was stroking my choad. Oh Oh... ::moan::


The heat builds..it gets hot. Yeah. That's what I want.
Oh... stronger. Yeah, show it to me. I had now a happy face.

Now it gets even hotter. I'm tough. I'm real tough.
Yeah, that's what I like, give it to me, yeah, yeah.
I have a blissful face. The eyes closed, fantasizing.
(No, I won't tell about the rubber clad dominatrix, not this time.)

Then...BLAM!! A FUCKING THERMONUCLEAR FUSION BOMB EXPLODED IN MY
ASSHOLE.
My eyes were wide open. Very wide. My face had
a surprised expression. Just like the face you would have,
if you'd shower, drop your soap, bend down, only to be
suddenly and violently butt-fucked by an 300 ton elephant.
I yanked the tampon ("OUCH OUCH OUCH") out. My whole colon was
twitching in agony and pain. I felt like I was being impaled with
a red hot glowing poker into my anus. My face was twisted and
distorted by the crashing waves of pain. No ma'am that's not
funny. I bit in the pillow. Nothing helped to fight this
fire that was growing stronger. I felt my sphincter melting as if
it were being treated by a blowtorch. Terrible amounts of pain drove
my sexual arousement away.

No...WAIT...STOP...
The blowtorch had now turned into an oxygen lance....
charring my colon and flesh.

I *ran*, no I *FLEW* into the shower. Ice-cold water.
I let it spray onto my ass, and used soap.
Suddenly, the *real* tough man was turned into a screaming
banshee: "OWWWWAAAAOOOAHHH *DUMB FUCK* *ME DUMB FUCK*"
My once hard-looking face had turned into a pain-twisted
grimace.

But the lava elixir was deep in my skin and my bunghole. All
of me smelled like tobasco. I wanted to rub it out with my index
finger. But as I touched my burning sphincter, my newly acquired
rectal volcano broke out with fierce intensity.

So I stood there in the shower, the ice-cold water touched
my anus, controlling the pain. A little.

Eventually (after 300 years) the pain ebbed. (I guess all
the nerves were killed by the evil tobasco). My whole body
smelled like this devilish liquid.
I dragged myself, wet as I was, onto my bed
My whole body was exhausted. Just like after a 100-hour
fuck fest. Dead but happy. I was feeling quite normal, but
compared to the previous feelings, this felt *extremely* good.

Then I slept.

For the next few days I was constipated and could still smell the
stench of tobasco. When finally the turds came, they
had this very familiar odor, the same one my farts had.


This was the worst pain in the butt I had ever experienced in my
entire life. And trust me. I've done *lots* of things.

Six months later, I did it again.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:08, 10 replies)

No. Nothing involving Mr T this week.
You fat sweaters are probably having a field day of lies with this one.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:08, 1 reply)

OK, OK, I once fucked a pumpkin.
Happy now?
(WANKERTRON you say "prick", I say "wanker", Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:07, 2 replies)

The not untrue story of Operation Have-An-Enormous-Wank-Into-A-Hollowed-Out-Marrow and the unfortunate consequences thereof
This is a story about a very good friend of mine.

A story he told me in strictest confidence on the condition that I do not tell anybody, and ESPECIALLY not the entire internet.

So. My friend ...uhh... Scary Goose, then. A friend last seen, an empty shell of a man, rocking back and forth like a bear in those charity adverts you see during Countdown.

Goose was particularly friendly with an elderly couple, and helped out in their garden because they were getting on a bit. He never sought any reward for these acts of kindness, except for a nice cup of tea and a couple of biscuits.

So, Goose was somewhat delighted to receive a small gift from his neighbours. It was a marrow. A marrow he had helped grow in their garden, and presented as thanks for a job well done.

Scary Goose lived on the best junk food money could buy, and didn't have a clue what to do with the thing, and decided straight away that cooking seasonal summer squash was far too much like hard work.

So he had a Chinese takeaway, and started work on Plan B: Operation Have An Enormous Wank Into A Hollowed-out Marrow.

He almost – but not quite – achieved a satisfactory level of success due to factors which he had not anticipated in his lust for zucchini-based relief.

1. Don't try hollowing out one end with a serving spoon whilst entering the thing at the other

2. Don't set about the Mark One Scary Goose Wanking Machine straight from the fridge, for this will lead to uncomfortable shrinkage, and ultimately...

3. Don't fill the thing up with water from the kettle to get it up to body temperature, especially if you'd just made yourself a nice cup of tea

That is what my friend told me when I visited him at the Scorched Peckers Ward in the Royal Berkshire Hospital, bearing gifts of soothing balms and a jazz mag called "Hot Nurses". Yes. My friend.

And may the Good Lord strike me down dead if I am telling a word of a lie.

Twelve-inch extended remix HERE, if you're into that kind of thing.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:07, Reply)

Young lady's foo-foo + hardboiled egg = fun for all
Young lady's foo-foo + pickled egg = not fun for her
Young lady's foo-foo + scotch egg = sexual assualt

_{for the incredibly dull-witted, the gentleman munches these treats from their resting place}
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:06, 1 reply)

It tastes of blue.
This concerns my friend's friend… we’ll call her The Chef. The Chef told me, a stranger, this story voluntarily.

The Chef was dating someone new and decided that she wanted to impress him by making him dinner. She wasn’t much of a cook, but it was something that she really wanted to do for him. So The Chef decided on pasta. A can’t-lose dinner, right? Not so much.

As I mentioned, The Chef wasn’t much of a cook. In her kitchen sat an olive oil bottle… but its contents were blue. The Chef was confused, but it was definitely an olive oil bottle… maybe there is such a thing as blue olive oil. So The Chef poured her blue olive oil in her sauce, in her pasta, used it to saute, everything was going great. Blue olive oil rules!

New hunky boyfriend was due to arrive any minute. She plated her wonderful pasta dish and set the table. *Ding dong* He’s here!

They sat down to their meal and The Chef took one bite and immediately realized that wasn’t blue olive oil. That was blue dish soap. The entire meal was made with blue dish soap.

Ladies and gentleman, I’ve never met this boyfriend but I know that he deserves a Boyfriend Medal of Honor. Because new hunky boyfriend sat down to his meal and ate it. All of it.
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:02, 5 replies)

Cream
Not original, I know, but we both wanted to give it a try and so we did.

It was ok, good fun licking some bits, but very messy and sticky.

And the cream was out of date, so we got very, very sick for the rest of our "sex week"

I haven't play with food again.

Edit: First page? Really?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:02, Reply)

I once ate a mars bar out of an ex's front bum
it melts really quickly and becomes chocolate sauce.

Its messy and unpleasant.
( Peej, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:00, 2 replies)

The Shame
There was this one time when i was making a sandwich after getting out of the shower. The floor was a bit wet and all I had on was a towel.

I somehow slipped and the peanut butter i was using for the sandwich smahsed off the tabletop and drippled into my lap. At this point my dog walked in and i swear that's all that happened your honour.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:00, Reply)

7?
Well I have an apple and a nectarine next to me. Let's see what I can do.

EDIT: Well to cut a medium story short, I made both the apple and the nectarine disappear.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 14:00, Reply)

Willy Cheese?
Fanny Batter?
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 13:55, 1 reply)

There was this one time with a potato
But only 'cos i fell out the window!
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 13:55, 1 reply)

fourth?
The highest I've ever been!

Incidentally, I have the first story. We were sat around drinking one time, playing I have never. The inevitable question comes up "I have never had sex with fruit". There is a silence. No one wants to drink.

Expect one man, who we shall call D. He drinks with relish, and then is forced to admit he had sex with a grapefruit. Not even a melon. A grapefruit, with all its tough flesh and stinging, bitter juice.

Apparently he was quite lonely, and it just happened.

A long silence followed, until someone piped up with "I have never had sex with a dog". But that's another story...
(Urban Hermit Exit, pursued by a bear on, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 13:54, 1 reply)

Eh?
Erm I haven't been near a cucumber, Always thought gherkins would be good as they're knobbly but the vinegar put me off!
Damnit thought i was going to be first by accident there for a second!
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 13:52, 2 replies)

fuck it!
so close!

I have no story though....

I can only suggest that being given a blow job when the blower has a gobful of champagne isn't all that great.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 13:51, 2 replies)

1st
i love both

Edit: I had an ex eat a minstrel off my bellend in my front room just as my dad walked in.

It might not as been as bad if i didnt have my hands on my hips and doing that tensing thing so my cock flapped up and down.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 13:51, 2 replies)