More porn
My Dad's.
(Star Wars Starwarsy McStarwars Face, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:32, 1 reply)

Tragic Story...
When I was a younger Agnostic, my elder sister had a friend who we saw quite a lot.

Her Dad was quite rich, due to him owning a very successful ship cleaning business in Liverpool.

He was clever in that rather than advertising, he'd mention his name to the unloaders, and give them £50 for every job they sent his way.

One day, a ship from Europe arrives. Things are being unloaded, when a spill is discovered, our Man goes in, and gives it a quick clean over.

He then tracks down the origin of the leak, and finds it's coming from a pallet of beer. Each pallet contained roughly 50/60 crates of beer. 'Unfortunately' the top 2 crates had split, rendering the rest completely unsellable.

The job falls to the cleaner to dispose of the beer correctly. So he loads them up in his van, takes them home, and hoses them down, little smelly, but no harm done to the rest of the beer. After 5 nights of the same lager in a row, he gets a little bored, and decides to distribute the crates among friends. Due to his daughter being a family friend of ours, we get 10 crates of 24 cans of Budvar.

We put one crate straight into the fridge, an hour later they're ready!

5 of us sit with unopened cans, readily prepared to get very very drunk.

Open can.
Take swig.
"Argh, this stuff tastes like shit!"

I found that I didn't like lager at the time, unlike the others.

I still sometimes cry over the memory that I could have got drunk every day for about a month, but didn't, because I didn't like the taste!

ARGH!

Length? About 5 foot high methinks
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:29, Reply)

I've found Jesus
He was behind the sofa all the time - best game of hide and seek ever - Fact
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:17, 4 replies)

Best Day of My Life
When I was about 8 my pal Brian and I found a 4-pack of Stella* in the groundman's hut on the school field, on Sports Day.

Being game chaps, we drank two each - and then remembered we had to compete in the three-legged race.

Strangely we didn't win, but even at that young age we knew we'd got an incredible result. I can almost taste it again now, 27-odd years later. It was a glorious hot day, too.

Magic.

*this was in the 'reassuringly expensive' years - waaay before the 'wife beater' associations.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:13, Reply)

result
My housemate was off to Ibiza last summer and decided to get a Lonely planet guide to the Island as he thought he'd get some culture in as well as party.

Whilst he was standing in front of the Travel Guide isle, leafing through the Ibiza guide, he noticed a man stood fairly near him, watching, and seemingly agitated. There are plenty of nutters and weirdos in London so he ignored it, and took his purchase to the counter to pay.

Later on we found a small bag of Cocaine in the middle of the Clubs & Pubs section!

For the next few weeks we went back to Waterstones as often as possible, but never found any more.
( rofl harris, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:11, 1 reply)

Another money story with a twist
Working in a nightclub, you always find loose change at the end of the night, a good treasure hunt can yield a fiver in change, or a pack of smokes back in the days before the ban.

One wonderous/iffy night, I did find a lovely brand spanking new £20 note under a table... held down with a jam rag. A used one no less, and she was ragging like a bastard.

Good job I had that bucket of hot water, laundered that twenty right up
(iamjthearmeroar, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:02, Reply)

My dad, the "recycler"
He's been a skip driver for umpteen years, and in addition to finding/recycling stuff to then sell via regular car boot sales, he's found more than his fair share of unusual and sometimes downright creepy stuff.

-Money, this one happens a lot when people are clearing out dead relatives houses, bags of money, normally fairly old and not worth as much, but always good.

-False limbs, an arm and a leg, seperate discoveries.

-Shit, not as in figurative "rubbish", actual faecal matter, peoples and animals, god knows what possesses people to hold onto their own rather than flush it.

-Porn, in all of it's various incarnations.

-A crash investigators report from Lockerbie, interesting read that one.

-Backup's, Hard-drives, etc. from various places, the contents ranging from police interviews to confidential accounts records.

-Electrical goods, dozen or so functional PC's, printers, monitors, microwaves, stereos.

-Fuel, diesel and petrol, normally secreted away in layby's by other prudent lorry drivers for later collection, but honour amongst thieves is thin on the ground, so my dad has it away himself.

-Military stuff, fatigues, guides, manuals, missile boxes, the odd few rounds of ammo, dubious documents (should probably sent that stuff onto the Daily Mail).

-Ebay material, so far he's managed to find a grand or so's worth of ebay auctions.

-Personal stuff, normally from dead relatives again, like photo's and letter's, always seem's unusual to see a part of someone's life set out this way.

In short people, be careful of what you throw out, because you never know who's going to be picking it back up again.
(ShiftyBastard won the World Cup on World Soccer Champs 2010!, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 10:56, Reply)

Whilst working as a busser at a restaurant
I kept finding piles of money on tables I was cleaning, I was broosted for weeks!

I ended up getting sacked for stealing a week later, I didn't nick anything though!
(feels_goodman 's brain cogs whirred at, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 10:54, 2 replies)

Another new house
Moved into a new house a year ago and found among other things:
-full fridge of food
-clothes still in washing machine
-clothes still in wardrobes, mostly loads of dirty women's underwear.
(cH3$h7846J#7, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 10:43, 4 replies)

snail eaten tenner for me, wooo!!
A year or so a go I worked in Wiltshire driving a little white van with the shit-company-I-worked-for's name on the side, doing IT support for Wiltshire County Council. anyway, one day I was in Calne visiting the library and parked opposite in a short stay parking bay. as I got out of the van I saw what looked like the remains of a tenner in the flowerbed, on closer inspection it was a rather old snail eaten tenner! I picked it up and went straight to a bank in the highstreet by the library and exchanged it for a shiney cripsy new one :)

score me!
(wireless_tommer, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 10:42, 2 replies)

Students
1n 1990 I moved into my hospital accomodation in the male wing. As I was unpacking and wandering around ('twas a huge room) I saw a glint of lace sticking out from behind my radiator. Upon further investigation it was a pair of blood stained (presumably menstrual) female knickers. I binned them and carried on moving in. Later, over the Social Club, I mentioned this to some of my new neighbours; no one knew who's they may have been. One chap piped up "What did you do with them?" "Binned them" said I "They were dirty" "Shame, we could have kept them to smell".

I had to work with these people.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 10:42, Reply)

Porn (again)
About ten years ago I moved up North, and initially shared a house with four other blokes, two of whom I'd met while travelling round the world. Among their interlocking circles of friends was a guy we'll call Tim - decent bloke, but with some strange tastes. To cut a short story down a bit more, he once bought a packet of "Chicks with Dicks" playing cards, and somehow managed to hide the entire deck around our house - in books, video cases, packets of food, under cushions, in the gas meter, under the doormat, you name it. Thanks to his skill, sometimes weeks would pass between each exclamation of "oh, for fuck's sake, Tim!" as an unfortunate housemate found another bepeckered laydee in a jacket pocket or textbook. A couple even smuggled themselves out in my belongings when I moved out, but I'm sure there are still plenty waiting to be found by unsuspecting new tenants.

Not as much fun as finding a tenner, all told.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 10:38, 4 replies)

This isn't supposed to happen in real life, but...
My friend really was invited round to an attractive girl's room for a seeming mundane reason only to 'find' her at it with another girl. And they invited him to join in too. And it wasn't a dream - it really happened.

Basically, during a night of heavy drinking back in our student days, he got a text from a girl he'd been chatting to earlier in the night asking him to come to her room as she needed his 'help' with something.

He leaves the college bar and heads round to her room only to find the door unlocked and her and another girl from our year semi-naked on the bed, one of them smearing the other's breasts in chocolate Haagen-Dazs.

Now, for most red-blooded, hetero, male teenagers this would be one of the best things you could ever stumble across. For him, however, his drunken mind spoiled the moment.

You see, he put the fact he'd watched her knocking back the snakebite earlier in the night together with the text message asking for help and reasoned that rather than an invitation to join a threesome, what he saw before him was a girl who was so drunk she'd shat herself being incompetently cleaned up by her friend, who was so pissed herself that she'd just ended up making the situation worse by smearing the aforementioned shit all over the place.

He exclaimed 'I'm NOT getting involved in that', turned on his heel, and walked out.

The worse bit about it was that they both kept apologising for offending him for the next couple of days while he was internally kicking himself over and over again for being such an idiot.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 10:33, 25 replies)

A couple of money stories
When I was about 11, I was out playing footie with my (slightly older) brother and his mate. At some point, the ball gets hoofed into a bush and, with me being the youngest, I have to go and get it. When I pick up the ball from the bottom of this bush, I spot what looks like a £20 note. I pick it up and discover it is a £20 note wrapped around 14 other £20 notes. £300! Result. Three of us, three hundred quid, a hundred quid each. Sound.

As we walk home, we debated what we are going to do with the money, though mine and my brother's parts of the conversation revolve around how we will smuggle an Amiga into the house.

We are home for about 20 minites when there's a knock on the door. Idiot friend has gone home and told his mum about the whole thing (he was 15 at the time, ffs!).

His mum tells our mum and we end up having to take it to the police station, where we are told we can get it back if someone doesn't claim it. We never got it back. I'm assuming the nice police sergant took it the pub that night.

When we got back home, my mum told us that, had our mate's mother not insisted we went to the police station there and then, she would have let us keep it and made out that we handed it in. Arses.

More recently, I was stood in the queue at McDonalds when I spotted a tenner on the floor. I tied my laces and picked it up. Again, this one was wrapped around a couple of twenties. Biggest hangover Maccies meals ever.

Just yesterday, I was in the Trafford Centre, waiting for the missus to pay for something when some bloke taps me on the shouder and says "excuse me mate, you've just dropped a tenner" I look down and lo and behold, there's a tenner on the floor. "oh, cheers mate" says I and I pick it up. The missus sees all this and starts to have a go at me for keeping notes in my pockets, when I know I always drop them. I waited until we were out of earshot of the bloke who had told me a dropped the money and pointed out to the missus that it wasn't my tenner. She shut up after that.
(ScousersPet, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 10:30, Reply)

Ahh, nostalgia...
One time I was cleaning my room at my mother's insistence, going through my old knick knacks and all the random items that accumulate on bookshelves. You know, little ceramic cats and things. There's always the little moments of nostalgia as you remember painting that mug at day camp or getting this photo frame from your grandmother and never ever putting anything in it...

Anyway, I came across a small box with a shoe on it and opened it up, only to find a memento of the summer I found a dead lizard. It'd been out in the scorching sun all day, and it wasn't a very big one, so by the time I found it it was basically mummified. Before it dried out completely, though, some ants or something had clearly gotten to it, because about a quarter of the skin on its back was missing, providing a TOTALLY AWESOME window through which I could see the spine. It was pretty great. I kept it in the box for a while. I was going to take it into science class when school started up again but then I forgot. Only to find it AGAIN all those years later...

How many people can say they found the same dead lizard twice?


(eta PS also I went camping with some friends once and we found a pair of wallaby skulls, still with bits of flesh hanging off them. It was awesome. We slipped one into one guy's tent to give him a hilarious wake-up call. :D Then later we stuck the other in a campfire. What? No, I don't remember why. Possibly we were trying to burn off the fleshy bits. It mostly just glared at us spookily from it's flaming eyesockets and then crumbled into soot. Pity, really.)

ETA 2 click "I like this" if you agree with chart cat that I am a future serial killer.
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 10:22, 1 reply)

I see dead people
When I was 9, me and my mate Mark found a human skull in some soil from a trench in a building site. Which is an event in it’s self, but we went one step further, after we’d cleaned it up we decided to keep it. For a few days in the middle of the summer holidays we took turns in looking after our new friend. When it was spending the night we me it lived in an old GPO battery box under my bed.

Inevitably word filtered back through friends and their parents back to our parents and the secret was blown. My dad took me, Mark and the skull, still in the battery box, down to the police station. At first everyone was very nice, but once they’d got the required info we did get a bit of a bollocking.

It turned out the skull belong to a woman who’d probably been murdered in the late 1800s.

Our return to school at the end of the summer was triumphant – the kids who’d not only found the skull of a murder victim, but kept it at home – we were famous!
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 7 Nov 2008, 9:56, Reply)

In my time I have found....
...my ex-wife was shagging a mate before she had obtained "ex" status.

...my brother feeding spoonfulls of speed on the living room floor to a girl we knew, just as I arrived home with "that fit bird from accounts" and was trying to protect my darker lifestyle. I'd been working that one for ages, but she had a very clean lifestyle.

... my entire contents of my living room, across the road in a car park, and laid out perfectly as though it was still my living room (that inspired me to lock the door before the 78 hour bender renders me unconscious).

.... the child support agency are cunts. But luckily, they are also thick cunts.

.... there is just not enough Northern Soul these days.


These aren't "best things" but are findings that have affected me and made me react in some way.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 9:40, 2 replies)

Dogs
My dog (RIP) Patch found a finger in Belton Park once.

My brother took it to lost property, but nobody had enquired about it.

How can you not notice you've lost a finger?
(Jugular, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 9:37, 4 replies)

To my dismay last year, I found
that my cock worked fine, and was perfectly capable to impregnating members of the opposite sex. I naturally assumed that several years of smoking, boozing and copious drug taking had killed all the little chaps off. How wrong I was.

Luckily the lady in question decided not to keep 'it'.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 9:27, 2 replies)

Do I win?
I found the Holy Grail. It was full of the dark material that accounts for the missing mass of the universe, and had fallen down my sofa.


In Atlantis.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 9:22, 12 replies)

Masses of porn - with a twist
So picture the scene - 3 young teenagers, wandering around town looking for things to do in Hemel - and I don't know if you know about Hemel Hempstead, but it's not the best place in the world for young teenagers to be wandering around in.... actually its not the best place for adults either - anyway, I digress.

We were bored - seriously bored and really didn't know what to do until one of my friends piped up and said that he knew of this fantastic abandoned house that we could hang out in - wasn't close but it would be well worth the walk... so off we went.

The walk was epic. It took us across a couple of MASSIVE farmers fields and down a seemingly never ending main road and eventually, in the distance there it was. The abandoned house in all its glory. Run down, decrepid and really shitty but looked like fun! It took a bit of courage to actually go in as it felt like breaking and entering - but when we did, our imaginations took over. Walls were half broken down and there were broken ceiling joists and all sorts - ladders here there and everywhere, it was absolutely fantastic. A little adventure playground just begging to be played in.

So after about 20 minutes of having a cracking time of playing all sorts of 'make believe' games and exploring every nook and cranny of this place, one of my friends suddenly screamed "OH MY GOD!!" we thought something had happened so rushed to find him as fast as we could - bricking it thinking that he had had an accident and that we had no mobile phones and were miles away from anything and anyone we knew. Turns out he didn't have an accident - but had discovered an absolutely huge stash of porno mags stuffed up the chinmey (of all places!). I have, to this day, NEVER seen so many porno mags in one place - and for us back in the day... it was sensational!! Boobs and coochies everywhere. This alone had made the walk worth it.

We dove into the pile (not literally) and just started grabbing the mags and flicking through the pages, imaginations working overtime at what we wanted to do to these women then we all ended up just grabbing a pile each and sitting down to have a read. I should point out that before you say or think it, we did not have a group wankoff... we were a little more restrained than that. Just a little mind.

So after a good ten minutes of reading... I suddenly experience something that I never want to experience again. Some of the pages were stuck together on one mag. Now - I knew why, it was gross and I immediately threw it to the ground realising what I could have just come into contact with - but when I picked up the next mag... its making me gag just thinking about it... I felt a horribly slimy substance in between my fingers - I prayed to god that it would be a slug or something other than what I hoped it was not... but when I looked... it was. Reasonably fresh, cool to the touch, man goo. The mag was thrown to the floor and I scraped my hands on the floor trying to shake off the muck, cutting the hell out of my hands in the process on the gravelly floor and then vomited violently ALL over myself. Of course my friends thought this whole thing was hysterical and couldn't stop laughing - and of course told ALL my friends at school about this on the following Monday that I found some cum on a porno and smeared it all over my hands. Took years to live it down.

Cunts.
(Spangulum nailing your mother since 1824, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 9:18, 2 replies)

A gas mask, several flags of different countries, numerous tents, LOADS of beer
on the morning after the final night of Roskilde festival in Denmark we awoke to find that the place looked like the aftermath of apocalypse.

80 thousand people had already left, leaving those who remained to wake up, come down, or in our case, go looting.

Naturally the first thing to do was to find a few rucksacks to keep our new found possessions in. These were quickly forthcoming.

The haul included:

A stack of CDs - in a hole dug in the ground under a (full) crate of beer
Several odd shoes
As many tents as you could possibly hope for - some had clearly only seen one use. We didn't actually take any tents because we had a long way to go
Lots and lots and lots of beer
Marijuana - we had trouble disposing of this before we had to head back to the airport in Sweden
Various items of clothing
Flags from probably most of Western Europe
my personal favourite - a gas mask

I only wish I could find the photo of me stood, clad all in black, hands on hips wearing the gas mask, with my Swiss flag cape billowing in the wind.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 9:15, 1 reply)

I found my prostate.
I swear, you guys are missing out.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 8:17, 4 replies)

Wherever I get....
a new job I always find a bigger dickhead / bully!

Does that count (except when i'm self employed of course!)?
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 7:54, Reply)

Ah...
The microwave sitting on a grass verge.

The pigs came to get it back after a few days. Apparently quite a few nasty speeding accidents took place while their trap was missing.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 7:35, Reply)

A bike!
No, not that sort you filthy little so and so.

Found it in a skip. It had a flat tyre.

Yes really. Well, alright, it was probably nicked and acquired a puncture during the getaway.

But one quid repair kit later, I had a functioning (if somewhat smelly) form of free transport.

Bargain.

Edit: And just a few minutes ago, I found an entire box of tissues in the bin. Each tissue lovingly and quietly placed there by my two year old daughter. Blasted kids.
(Que?, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 5:48, 2 replies)

250? Thats it?
Like many others, I also dive dumpsters and ransack lots and other poorly maintained/looked after storage facilities, but to this day the best find I've gotten...ok, maybe the 2nd-3rd best find I've gotten (just remembered getting a ton of old Apples, Commodores and the like)... was found in the trash in Japan.

As I was coming home in the morning one day after copious amounts of boozing the night before, I noticed in the pile of trash (on the curb for trashday) a few sacks that are oddly square in shape. I peer through a small opening that I made with my handy hand, and lo and behold, they are all videotapes- but who would throw out these videotapes? What the hell are they?

Back safe in my home I open the one bag I took with me- all the videotapes were caseless, and looking at the labels....e...ro....ero! porn! Someone just threw out their porn collection! Cue me running (well, shambling) outside to grab the other 2 bags worth of rain-drenched trashporn. All in all, about 70 tapes worth, and me without a VCR.

I looked throuh what I had, and was lucky that about 30 still had their retail cases. It being (standard) Japanese porn means that it is censored, so I figure I can turn a quick yen by selling them. I toss all 30 of them in my backpack and set off to a not-very-local used book/cd/video/dvd/game chain store (Book Off), fill out the necessary forms, and give the very nice attendant a stack of 30 porn VHSes. It was probably one of her weirder days, as this location was smack in the middle of a very popular location for shopping (Harajuku), which means that your normal perv wouldn't probably have the balls to get rid of his porn there, it was coming from a foreigner, and it was also a rather sizable collection to be getting rid of all at once. Probably shouldn't have smiled so much as I handed it over the counter to her, should have cackled and winked.

10 minutes later my number gets called- and, in broken English, I'm told that of all the tapes they only want 2 of them, and they are willing to pay 250 yen (probably quid and a half). Alright, I knew I wasn't going to get anything for them anyway, but I was at least expecting maybe a tenner for the lot- only about 50p per tape. But, seeing as how it wasn't my porn, I said, yeah, sure, 250 is fine. Then they asked what I wanted to do with all the other tapes. If you've ever carried around 30 tapes in a backpack, you probably know the answer- "naw, fuck that, you can keep 'em." 250 yen didn't even cover the train ticket there.

At home, I now have 30 tapes left, so I toss some in a bag and head over to my GFs house to see what the hell they are- most are just your standard fare crappy porn, one video had some good actual voyeur stuff. Nothing at all worth hanging onto. Not wanting to toss them in the trash so they can be landfilled, I come up with a brilliant use for them.

My time in Japan (that time) was coming quickly to an end, soon my visa'd run out and I'd have to piss off, but I also needed to thank everyone that I had come to know by then. I figured I'll kill two prostitutes with one baseball bat by holding a send-off party at a local nightclub, do a little djing, and give everyone a fabulous door prize on their way out. A trip to the local everyman's store to buy plastic bags and a little candy, and I've got 30-odd gifts that the whole family can enjoy.

---------------------

2 months later I was back in Japan, and met up with a Japanese couple that attended the party, and swiftly got a punch in the arm from the lady of the pair.

"denki! What the hell? That videotape you gave me..."
"Yeah?"
"It wasn't porn! It was some rock concert!"
"....sorry?"
"Why didn't I get porn? Everyone else got porn!"

I have yet to make it up to her.
(denki, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 4:30, Reply)

I found a dead guy!
At first I was a bit freaked out but it turned out it was the best thing ever! It was on the morning after a mate's stag do and everyone had decided to pick on me instead! Basically leaving me naked and very hungover in this cave!

Anyway, this guy was wrapped in a very warm looking cloth, which I promptly nicked and proceeded to exit the cave and find my way home, only to find a huge crowd of people waiting! The turning point was when some idiot confused me for the dead guy!!! Turns out he was the leader of some kind of fcuked up cult, but he was treated as royaltly so I lapped it up! Sadly he still lived with his parents and his missus was a hooker but you can't have everything!


Length? 2000years give or take :P
(suicidalducky has too much time on his hands, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 4:15, 2 replies)

I consider myself an expert...
As an extremely broke college student, and even now as an extremely broke college dropout, I discovered the joys of dumpster diving in the smaller cities outside of St. Louis, MO. The things people throw away are shocking, if you know where to look. Some of my best finds include:

-Three computer chairs, one a leather executive style with naught but a small rip on the seat.
-A fine, burnt orange upholstered chair with one wonky leg (electrical tape fixed it right up).
-Five coffee/end tables (and counting...these are popular).
-A bar stool.
-A dozen yellow plastic ducks of normal size, and four that are quadruple the size of their brethren.
-An enormous, finely detailed dragon head mask made of latex (sadly ripped down the snout; it makes a good wall hanging though).
-A blonde curly wig.
-Last, and perhaps most oddly, a suitcase-style box with an "ACME Gas Mask" label, excellent condition. Sadly, no gas mask is inside.

Of course, I am one of those odd people who will also dumpster dive for food, and then eat it. My best edible finds include two industrial sized trash bags full of cereal, fifteen pounds of potatoes still in bags in one night, a case of salsa with only one jar busted, two cases of jarred chopped garlic, fifteen bags of baby spinach still in date, and enough cough drops of various brands and flavors to last me through twelve winters.
(NuclearMosquito, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 4:00, 7 replies)