On the bus on my way to college every day,
I would pass the premises of Power Church International on Camberwell Road. It's big, modern yellow type and grinning, faces on the sign never failed to amuse me. I wish I could find a picture of it.
powerchurches.org/events/events.html
(idle insomniac enjoys listening to Sigur Rós at stupid hours, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 18:48, 2 replies)

FUCKING TWATS
HATE ALL YOU FUCKING CUNTS
(hieronymus bosch pcmechanic 4ver in ar harts, goodnite sweet angle, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 18:31, 9 replies)

The Mormon Church has some great folks in it!
I caught a commercial over here (US) for a free 'Book or Mormon.' Thought to myself: I don't know much about these Mormons...let's give it a read.

So, a week later, arrives my lovely Book of Mormon. I read through it (mostly while on the crapper) and found it 'interesting.'

Two weeks later and a siren-sounding lass phones me and asks if I received the book, "Yes, hurrah for the Post Office" says I and she replies with "Would You like to have someone from our Church come by and talk about it?"

Now, I am a nice bloke. Live and let live, says I! And the girl DID sound rather, erm, divine.

So I said "Sure!"

Well, I forgot ALL about scheduling it with them and two weeks later, after a night of excessive binge drinking and eating Maryland Steamed Crabs (a local delicacy), I was absolutely hammered...so was my best friend.

So, 'Welcome' says I and in walk three of the HOTTEST Mormom chick's I've EVER seen! They sit in the formal living room, with me in a pair of boxer shorts and a t-shirt and my buddy just sat there in his boxers.

I proceeded, as did my Mate, to spend the next sixty minutes listening to their pitch...and every couple of minutes, one of us would pipe up with "Yeah, that's awesome. Erm, hey, any chance You Girls would want to go out with us? Can you do that? Dinner? Maybe a couple pints?"

Now, they didn't convert me, BUT, I have to say: not one of them ever batted an eye. So, hats off to the Mormon Hotties who came to my home in Severna Park! If You're reading this, and have left the Church, come on over and take me up on that offer!

Amen.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 18:23, 3 replies)

*shuffles in*
Have a pea...

Onan walks into a bar.

"I know you..." ponders the barman, before he realises:

"Aha! You're that wanker out of the Bible!"

*shuffles out*
(judeski walked on water and ran through fire, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 17:44, Reply)

Why I'm a Scientologist
Looking for a peaceful religion what were my options?

Christianity - symbol of which is the cross, an instrument of death and torture, used to kill their own leader.
Judaism - their symbol? They'll tell you it's the star of david. Fuck off, I know a deadly ninja shuriken when I see one.
Islam - not sure what their symbol is, but suspect it to be a stick of dynamite.
Buddhism - all peaceful, right? Shame they worhip the fat, bald, obese god of heart disease.
Jedi - didn't work outg for their poster boy Anikin, did it?
Pasafarianism - get you japanese tentacle-porn noodly appendage the fuck away from me.

Scientology on the other hand has aliens, ghosts, spaceplanes, and nuking volcanoes from orbit (it's the only way to be sure). How awesome is that!!!
(RayRayRay HooHooHoo, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 17:28, 4 replies)

If you are ever stuck on a plane......
.... with an annoying person in the seat next to you trying to engage you in conversation or show you the pics of the grandchildren, simply turn to them with a beatific smile and say:

" Have YOU accepted Jesus Christ into your life as your personal Lord and Saviour?"

Stops them dead.

Trust me, I have used it and it works!

BTW, this tip was given to be my an American friend who is an Evangelical Christian.
(Sebulba continues to fight evil with evil....., Mon 23 Mar 2009, 16:49, 1 reply)

I....
once got the evil eye from a vicar because I had a Bad Religion logo on my hat whilst hanging around a church.



That is all.
(Davethefan began lurking again on or around, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 16:40, Reply)

This isn't funny
(But then when I try to be funny it isn't funny either). I live in the supposedly "liberal" State of Vermont in the US. Right now the state legislature is actually doing something that could be construed as "liberal" and may very likely pass a gay marriage bill that allows everyone the same right to marriage.

Seems like a really simple concept. If you want to get married, you should be able to get married. What's the big deal? There isn't any in reality. Gay marriage won’t hurt me or my 20 yr marriage but it give some other people the chance to be happy.

However, since this started, the religious folk of all sorts have started screaming vehemently that this is against God. The nicer ones just say that God doesn’t allow it; the worst ones talk about killing gays and that gays are an abomination, etc….. Christian, Jews, and Muslims are all saying how bad gay marriage is (although there are a few clergy who welcome the chance to give all people the freedom to choose who they want to marry instead of being told who by a priest, minister, rabbi, imam, etc).

If this isn’t a reason for the separation of church and state, I don’t know what is.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 16:25, 2 replies)

I believe in the holy trinity
of whisk(e)y, wine and beer.

My living room is my church, my wine rack my altar, my mini-fridge my tabernacle, a camel light my holy communion and Pinot Noir the blood of the one true God.

I believe in the holy alcoholic crutch and draw closer to the divine with every sip.

Booze gives me succour in my time of need. It heals me and smites me, often in equal measures.

All of lifes answers lie at the bottom of a glass. It is best not to be disappointed when you learn the answer is simply that you need to go fill your glass.

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 16:24, 16 replies)

These days
I don't believe in God, but then I don't disbelieve in her either. If someone can demonstrate 100% one way or the other then I will be happy to accept these, but the Bible is not acceptable proof.

During my later childhood, and early teens I went to Church on Sundays with my parents, however it was a fun church, with electric guitars and drums in the band and a snooker table we would play during Sunday school. I can't say I ever fully believed then, but I didn't know better ya know?

However, along comes 14 and I decide that it's much better to have a lie-in on Sundays rather than go to Church. Anyway I digress.

About 7 years ago, the Church Minister retired, and a new one was appointed, seemed a nice enough chap from the times I met him. But then, 5 years ago, round Easter, he showed a very graphic film about the crucifiction and so forth, and ended it by telling all the children in the audience, of which there were a fair number (and my little sister was one of them), that if they didn't behave then that would happen to them. Needless to say my Dad hasn't been back since.
( mister.f is now married, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 16:21, Reply)

Viginity
My mate went out with this very religious girl when we were about 18. She was horny as hell, but she steadfastly refused to lose her virginity before she was married. So instead she noshed him off lots, allowed him to finger her furiously and enjoyed copious amounts of bum sex.

One day after a lot of alcohol they got down to business. Her rear end winked at him seductively as he rolled down the rubber. The necessary preparations had been made and the mothership began the docking procedure. Suddenly and without warning the spaceship took an unplanned for detour and ended up in the vaginal galaxy. A hasty exit was made and some heated discussion took place on main deck of the space craft. The main topic of discussion centred around one crucial fact, "Was the virginity lost?".

Finally it was decided that it wasn't. This was based around the simple fact that he hadn't deliberately meant to do it,she didn't come from it and he was wearing a rubber.

I had long since realised that religion has a curious habit of bending the rules to accommodate its needs, but this was rule bending at its finest.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 15:50, 4 replies)

Youth Group
When I was in my teens I joined a youth group at the local church. Mostly cos there were girls there, but after going a few times we realised that most of them were shit. Well except for Taryn. She was the local bicycle, but my mate got there first.

So every Friday we received a free pass to do what we liked without parental supervision. They assumed we were off gallivanting with bible bashers, but for the most part we smoked pot and hung out in the park. We'd make occasional errands around the neighbourhood to collect emblems and hubcups from stupid car owners who had carelessly left their cars parked in the street. It shaped my future somewhat because I soon crossed off the potential career of 'Porche badge putter-on-erer' from my list. Fuck me if they were as hard get on as they were to get off then I knew I never wanted that job.

One balmy summer evening in the park I recall cutting a lonely finger on the swings. The moody glow of the street lamp cast an eerie shadow behind me and the soft wind gave nature her beautiful voice amongst the trees. I glanced over to the roundabout and my mate was still furiously snogging the face off Taryn. I skinned up another joint, smoked it and soon drifted off. I was rudely awoken with the demand to 'Smell my finger!!'. I'd go so far as to say that I didn't only smell the finger, but actually tasted it.

So through the ruse of attending youth group I experienced my first real sniff of fanny on my mates finger, learnt how to steal hubcaps quickly and stealthily, taught myself to skin up, lie to my parents with a straight face, learnt a few crappy songs on the odd occasion I did attend and finally I realised that sluts also go to church.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 15:37, Reply)

Jesus saves.
Buddha makes incremental backups.

/coat
( slippery doctore, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 14:57, 4 replies)

Fact!
When I was young I found out about born-again Christians and how you could find God and how the spirit of the Lord entered you and BOOM! you were saved. This scared the living bejeebus out of me. I didn't want to be an uncool, polyester wearing, nerd of a Christian. I was scared to death of going near a church in case God zapped me with his big holy finger and suddenly I would see the light. I would even be wary of thinking about God too much in case it suddenly made sense. Even now if I dwell on it too much I get a little ruffled and feel the need to hide in a cupboard till the feeling has passed.

God can't find you in a dark cupboard can he?
( girlinthehole, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 14:57, 1 reply)

and while everyone's on their soapbox...
Hardcore atheists are just as annoying, if not more annoying, than hardcore religious types.

I'm an atheist too but seriously, telling your tales of conquest and pwnage over someone because they believe in something different is exactly the same as the preachy types who try and convert you.

Preachy, pushy, arsehole atheists make me ashamed to believe what I do - just like I'm sure preachy, pushy, arsehole Christians make normal Christians ashamed to believe in God.
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 14:56, 11 replies)

Instead of reading this post
Read Graham Greene's "Monseigneur Quixote"
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 14:49, Reply)

Free Willy!
I was a very religious child as far as children go in their relationship with a deity anyway. I thought of him as an year-round Santa, thinking that he was to be thanked for my BMX, some Star-Wars figures and my NES - just by pleading with him to make my mom and dad buy them for me.

As years went by, my morals and self identity evolved and became askew with any religion, and as my obsession with science grew alongside it, it became clear that I was an atheist.

What bugs me about people of faith is not their invisible friend, or friends as it were, but rather their monopoly on morality.
They say that you "you cannot have morals without god". But it seems that you can have a god without morals. You don't have to read far into the Bible before you encounter murder, genocide, rape, all sorts of (insert prefix here)cide, incest, insanity and a burning plant. All this either sanctioned, committed or urged on by god.

It scares me to know that in these times of economical, environmental and cultural strife that we are still fixated on faith. Disasters are never really our fault due to the will of a god even though mere common sense completely annihilates such arguments (The condom DOES help against AIDS and other STD's mr. pope guy, I know you're reading this! And who in their right mind takes advice on sexual matters from a sexually frustrated, celibate ex-nazi?)

It seems to me that, due to the element of faith, that we are more reluctant to take responsibility of our actions and for our surroundings. It's not the only culprit but a big one. The sense that everything is out of our hands and should be prayed for instead of direct action is, for want of a better term, silly!

Free will anyone?

Sorry about the rant and a lack of funny.
(snordfjord Cranky...like a crank!, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 14:42, 4 replies)

My boyfriend is a Christian metalhead
I was browsing a CD shop for a birthday present and it struck me how odd it was that Mr Chicken digs both Jesus and death metal. I decided then that I would not buy him a metal compilation album entitled "Fuck God".
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 14:36, 1 reply)

My Aunt is a priest
I have heard her shout at someone "A LOT OF FUCKING THINGS ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE A FUCKING PRIEST SWEAR!"

She never made us say grace either. Awesome woman.
( Peej, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 14:35, Reply)

Mormons
Within the last 6 months, i fear that mormons may be following me. They came up to me and asked me about my faith. Told them I was happy in catholicism, and walked on.

The next day, I ran into them again, in the city streets, said 'hi again,' had a little chuckle about bumping into them twice.

Now, things begin to get a little weird. About a week later, im at a friends house. In the living room, are the same two mormon girls talking to my friends housemate (he's a PhD in religious studies... not that surprising, really) So, they looked at me, waved and said hi. All friendly.

All went quiet for a few weeks at this point... no mormons, Im safe to walk around town, without questioning my faith. Then, I sit down, for a coffee in a well known chain, behind me I hear 'hello, would you like to hear about our lord?' I immediatly recognise the voice. Turn around, its the same mormons again. So, we have a little chat about my friend, all is good, they arent trying to convert me, anymore.

I see them in town, again, a few days later, nothing special there.

Then, about two or three days later, theres a knock on my door. I live with a couple other people, but still, Im the only one dressed enough to leave the room. So, I go open the door.... its the mormons again! I say hi, have a little chat about God and theology, have a little laugh about bumping into them again.

Again, a few days pass, meet them in town again... blah blah blah.

Final part of this ongoing saga, I met them again on the bus, a few days ago.

Sorry about not really going anywhere with this, theres nothing really conclusive to say on this topic. Except, noone else I know (other than my friend and her housemate, obv) seems to have met them, or even know we have a mormon church in our town.

I look foward to meeting them again :) I recently obtained a copy of the watchtower, I may pretend iv gone Jehova's witness.
(Earthling wants a silver moustache to show off to his chums, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 14:26, 3 replies)

I Found God
He was down the back of the sofa.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 14:05, 2 replies)

I'm not religious now
But up untill I was 14 I was.

I've read the bible, both old and new testements, and now I sincerely believe that it is a good set of guidelines for people to live their live to.

If people did then the world would be a happier place.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 13:51, 10 replies)

Cinemas are of the devil
Many years ago when I was young and foolish, I travelled to the wilds of northern England in an attempt to enjoy cheap beer and young ladies for 3 years, and possibly pick up a degree as a bonus.

In my halls I discovered that there a number of education students from an associated teacher training college who were packed off to the real uni for a year of their specialist subject.

One of these girls was from a particular Christian sect known as the Plymouth Brethren, featured in the recent film "Son of Rambow" (no idea if the Open or Exclusive branch), who appeared to be there only because teaching was a suitable role for a woman prior to marriage, and that the teaching college was in a sleepy town. I can only speculate that she had a very sheltered upbringing as on the occasion of being taken to the local den of iniquity known as the cinema she had a panic attack as it was wrong to be there.

We did finally get her into pubs and clubs.

Lovely girl, totally screwed up by her religious upbringing.

(NB: In checking some of the details, Wikipedia tells me that Aleister Crowley was raised in an Exclusive Brethren family. That could have been interesting)
(Scooby Don't, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 13:40, 2 replies)

QOTW
is about funny stories, right? Am I missing something? When did it turn into a forum to bash religions? Personally I don't believe in God, but thats beside the point. I would like to read some funny posts that are related to the question. If I wanted a debate about religion I'll go and buy Readers Digest. Please, people! This is all very dull at the moment!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 13:29, 7 replies)

Well, I went to Shepherd's Bush Market
And there was a sign telling me there was no God, only Allah. I think that cleared it up for me.

If not, then it's probably the mass of medical shit thrown my way:

-Lopsided jaw, with a recent discovery that I don't have the bone density in it to fix it much.
-Thin skull; I only need a tap on it to get concussion
-Following the last one, I'm deaf, with only one inner ear, which means my balance is shot. I go over like a tonn of bricks in an earthquake.
-Underactive thyroid, which led to me nearly being in a coma. That didn't help my balance much.
-Chondromalacia in both knees, which means my knees buckle at any given moment, painfully, which has led to me going over whilst crossing a road.

If there IS a God, he's certainly having fun with me!
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 13:26, 2 replies)

Yes its another religion is stupid quote...
A religious war is like 2 children fighting over who has the best invisible friend.

(Pratchett I believe but I could be mistaken, i saw it in a book somewhere I know that much)
(Banjax, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 13:16, 2 replies)

tolerance.
i grew up in a fairly non-religious household, neither of my parents are particularly god-bothering but they are believers, i went to sunday school, christian summer camps and all of that stramash, but it never really took hold of me. as an engineer i seek proof and answers and 'god works in misterious ways' just wont cut it.

to summarise, i've tgaken all of the wholesome values; civility, look after those who can't look after themselves, be polite etc but without the bible-bashing, rascist intolerant bollocks. my wife is a christian, goes to church, bible reading, the whole shebang and accepts my atheist beliefs and the reasons i hold them (another tragic harrowing tale, not for here). why can't the rest of them do the same.

me: i don't believe in god, i'm an athiest.
annoying office secretary: but he believes in you.
me: no, you believe that he believes in me. i don't think he exists, ergo, he doesn't.
AOS: how can you not believe in god????? you will go to hell

seriously, WTF??
no god = no hell = who gives a flying titty fuck??

she's currently playing the fray loudly, offended by me listening to WOlfmother at barely inaudible levels. apparently i'd love soft rock or christian rock more than i like proper music.

AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHhhhh
(Captain Benzo Panda fighting, live on tuesdays., Mon 23 Mar 2009, 13:04, Reply)

appropriate
www.smbc-comics.com/
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 12:50, Reply)