Maybe more like revenge...
..But it gave me the most guilty pleasure I'd actually confess to.

To fund a return to HE in the mid 90s I took a security related job in a government secure facility. I'm keeping the details deliberately vague to protect the innocent, or to be more accurate, me. The victims were big blokes and this is a comparatively small island.

My job was to make sure the builders who were working on upgrading aforesaid facility got up to no mischief, didn't leave powertools lying round for grateful inmates to find etc etc.

After a while, partly because of some of my female colleagues who had strong motherly instincts, the builders came to expect we security type bods to have their kettle all filled up and boiling for them when they came back to the main compound for their tea breaks.

This didn't really bother me, if I was on duty in that area I'd normally have the water on for them anyway just because I was bored and had nothing better to do. There were about 20 of them and so it was this huge battered thing they used, which took about 10 minutes to boil. So if it wasn't bunged on in advance, they spent their whole tea break watching it boil then had to dash down a scalding cup of tea before dashing off back to work.

So the one time no-one was there to do it they got very upset, and as I was in that area I ended up sitting through 10 minutes of unwarranted grief. Builders take tea more seriously than the rest of us.

I wasn't in the best of moods anyway as it was a shitty job and these idiots continually made it worse with their keystone kops organisational skills. So when they had gone and the compound was empty I filled the kettle with as much piss as I could muster and then topped it up with water. When they came back for lunch I had it boiling away nicely, and made a big show of regretting not having had it ready for their morning break.
Sitting in the portacabin with them as they all drank my hot tannin-laced piss, it was only the thought that one of them might detect the unusual taste, leading to my bloody violent death, that stopped me choking with laughter. I had a big smile for the rest of the day though.

Thankfully the water was minging anyway, so I got away with it. One of my colleagues drank it too, which I would have felt bad about if he hadn't been an ex-policeman.
(spiky_budgie, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:37, Reply)

Squeezing spots

My boyfriend thinks he's allergic to something. Haven't got round to telling him that the red blotchiness on his back is caused by me poking at him for hours when he's sleeping...

I derive great pleasure from squeezing the really tiny ones that have lots of pus without waking him up. Bliss.

Apart from this I am completely normal, I swear.
(deadly, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:37, Reply)

Drinking
When no-one else is around, and especially when I'm going out later, I like to start of the evening drinking lots of Gin and Tonics and playing music really loud as I wander around my house singing to myself and generally having fun. It helps if it's Summer too cos then I can wander round the garden.

Neighbours. The soap. I don't feel guilty about letting it rule my life but maybe I should.
(chocolatepossum, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:34, Reply)

My brother and I...
used to peel the skin off each others backs after getting sunburnt when we were younger. The most satisfying bit was when a big patch came off in one go.
When I was even younger I used to think that humans only had 7 layers of skin and once you lost a layer it didn't grow back.
(geetoo, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:29, Reply)

B3ta
When nobody else is around, I go onto B3ta.

Orgasmic, I tell you.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:28, Reply)

Socks
I like wanking on them. Doing it in the toilet is just too clinical.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:24, Reply)

Shouting really rude words while driving
But I forgot I was in my convertible the other day and said a naughty word when a child was in earshot.

Also, getting to work late and taking ages drinking my first cup of tea and reading the paper. But then when I work 50 hours a week I think I'm allowed that first 20 minutes.

Singing really badly to songs.

Telling myself really, really bad jokes in really, really bad accents.

Eating really messily and getting pasta sauce all over my face. Mind you, I also find a girl who gets food everywhere a real turn-on.

Resting my hand on my knackersack. It's reassuring to know it's still there.

Edit: and the cheese thing - I like to eat cheese at night too. Don't know why I feel guilty about it, it's my cheese.
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:23, Reply)

Cat rape
*Shitting into condom, shaping it like a cock as best I can, putting it into the freezer for 24 hours. And then fucking nextdoors cat with it the next day.

*note – event may not have every of happened.
(waxdart hello., Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:19, Reply)

Cheese in the night...
I just love sneaking down to the fridge and getting a wedge of cheese and eating it with milk at 2:00am in the night.
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:17, Reply)

Def Leppard

( evil_andy Stick stick stick stick sticky sticky stick stick, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:14, Reply)

Human beatbox
I keep catching myself beatboxing quietly at work and have to stop myself before I begin the inevitable vocal scratching...
(gavD, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:14, Reply)

crap TV
I like smallville and louis and clark - I know its crap but I like it.

and I also like goodnight sweetheart which is really bad crap.

edit: pouring salt into the pepper in a restaurant.
(waxdart hello., Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:13, Reply)

Salt
Before leaving a resteraunt or cafe unscrewing the tops of salt and pepper pots, but still leave the top on.
Next person to use them is just gonna have a plate full of salt.....
(LooSee, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Bubblewrap

And you know you love it too.
(scunnydelight, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Re-reading my old computer magazines
from the mid 1980s, and thinking how much more I know (with the gift of hindsight) than the idiots who wrote in to the letters pages bemoaning the lack of colours on the Spectrum or something. Especially good when I'm stuck in bed with the 'flu or a common cold.
( The Legendary Pink Dot survived yet another, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:09, Reply)

on my way home
from the pub, I walk through a churchyard, past a lot of graves. Often, I may choose to touch my balls, have a little jostle, to see if I offend Jesus...
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:05, Reply)

I'm a 25 year old
university researcher with a first class degree, but I can't get enough of Take a Break, Chat, That's Life, even stooping to Woman, Woman's Own, Bella and Best when I get desperate. Fucking sad, but I just can't get enough. I just don't tell anyone..
( Dekazer, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:04, Reply)

Its all water...
Shower + Need to wee =
( Mercifull www.woo-yay.net, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:03, Reply)

talking to myself in funny accents
Usually when i'm in a good mood/in the shower/ on drugs... I have a tendancy to mutter to myself in various foreign accents... Scottish and russian are my favourite two.

I make myself laugh (which despite being truly daft makes me appreciate how funny and clever i really am).

:)
(Kayozz, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 15:57, Reply)

Waving to people...
...who don't realise I have my dick in my hand.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Thu 7 Apr 2005, 15:52, Reply)

dismantling sweeties
I love taking sweets apart as I eat them. KitKat, nibble all the choc off before eating the wafer. Crunchie, same, then suck the honeycomb so I can feel the bubbles on my tongue. Liquorice allsorts, especially the round coconut ones. M&Ms, Malteasers, minstrels though smarties are a bit of a challenge. Never eat sweeties without trying to dismantle them, and don't really like just chocolate as there's no component parts, of course fruit and nut is OK. Mmmmmm
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 15:51, Reply)

I eat my own earwax
mmmm earwax
( Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 15:46, Reply)

I sometimes feel guilty
about watching you while you sleep.
(monkeyseemonkeydo, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 15:41, Reply)

well here's a list
i pick my nose and eat it,
i rub my asshole with my hands and smell it
and i piss in the kitchen sink when im too lazy to go upstairs

edit: oh yeah i also like to eat my own dead skin and nail trimmings and clicking my knuckles
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 15:41, Reply)

Strange noises whilst shopping
Apart from thinking about David Tennant when I go to sleep instead of my fella, I quite enjoy meowing christmas related songs - "Oh Christmas Tree" is a favourite. However I forget that this might be considered strange and regularly go into this meowing state whilst food shopping.

I also growl at mean trolley-bargers. Something feral must come out in supermarkets.
(droopy, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 15:40, Reply)

I dont eat chocolate bars normally
buy sometimes when I fill up with petrol I'll buy a double-decker :D
(Bingo, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 15:31, Reply)

No fire without smoke
Back in the early 90's when I first got Sky TV - I used to sit stoned in front of German televison station RTL after they had finished their programmes and watch the televised fire which they used to show.
For those of you who haven't seen it, it was a full screen of roaring fire in a grate.

I used to sit there for hours trying to see the loop edit.
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Thu 7 Apr 2005, 15:23, Reply)

Wait until your flatmates are out
then boot up their computers and find their porn.
You can tell a whole lot about a person by the porn they look at, and the lengths they go to hide it.
( Alabaster Codify wouldn't piss on yr gums if yr teeth were on fire, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 15:23, Reply)