Poo again
First timer, so be gentle.
When, as a young 5 year old boy-about-town, we were dispatched to the neighbours to play with their kids whilst said parents went out on the piss (sounds familiar, I don't know why?), I needed to go dump. Went upstairs, did the deed, no loo paper, called and called for some more, no answer, so proceeded to do finger paintings, using my poo as paint. I was proud, anyway, but when the parents returned, all hell broke loose, so I blamed their 3 year old, and denied all knowledge of taking a dump. Do I feel better now? Much.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 9:29, Reply)

Guilt? They makes watches out of that don't they?
Is it wrong to piss through your ex-girlfriend's letterbox when drunk, having had beetroot sandwiches for lunch?

Not so much guilty as strangely proud...
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 9:20, Reply)

Lorelei
I once used one of my relatives' electric toothbrush as a vibrator... and yes, I mean the brush. And I didn't wash it. I figured people eat pussy anyway.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 9:13, Reply)

echomikeromeo
My take on women being 'masochists' is that people who are masochists are actually exercising power by it - after all, it's usually men who purchase the services of "dommes", and the customer is always right. I'm going to be a public servant soon, and I figure it's traditional for public servants to get caught in bondage, like this guy. In fact, I'm going to demand an hourly session per month with Mr. Lash as part of my APS contract. :)

Oh wait... no-one provides commercial bondage services for women. I wonder why?
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 9:08, Reply)

Well, might be TMI
... and it's certainly not that entertaining, but my guiltiest secret is likely my, ah, interest in BDSM (bondage, S&M, that sort of thing, right). My friends all go on about their sex dreams and their porn and whatnot, as friends do, but because the only thing that really turns me on is the idea of being tied up or dominated or such things, I feel like I shouldn't share. What's more, I'm female, and it's hard to feel like you can be a feminist if your fantasies are about slavery and subjugation. I know it's reasonably normal (as fetishes go, anyway) and at least it's legal. But of all the things you can talk about, sex-wise, this isn't one of them - especially for a teenager. I'm not ashamed of what I'm into - I'm just sick of being a "pervert".

Yeah, that was TMI.
(echomikeromeo, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 7:01, Reply)

take that, chappie breath!
my ex bf, the creepy thin man, once went to get a weed when i was ill and couldn't move.
after telling me he'd be right back, he strolls in 8 hours later, stoned to the gills and with about enough left for one joint. the little fucker had smoked all the weed which I had paid for, with his skanky scab of a mate! i was too ill to even yell at him properly, so i decided to let revenge fester for a while.
2 weeks later, he starts to complain that i never made him proper home-cooked meals. as he never cooked anything at all and spent much of his day asleep on the couch, i was highly cheesed at this point. i realised that this time, my revenge was going to be a dish served hot.
i paid a little visit to the corner shop and bought a large tin of dog food.
together with some onions, carrots, potatoes, carpet lint, belly button fluff, ground toenail clippings and earwax, this made what appeared to be a very tasty home-made meat pie. i'm pretty sure there was an earwig or two in there as well.
as i have a wheat allergy, i couldn't enjoy this meaty feast, so i sat and watched him eat the whole vile concoction himself.

guilty? no, not really.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 4:03, Reply)

As a vile 12 year old
Having become increasingly randy with the rigours of puberty and discovering that the intertubes contained lots of porn I found myself looking at my Auntie's black ladbrador dog and considering wether or not I could get it to deepthroat my cock.

Unfortunately it would only shallow throat.

Never been gladder to get something off my chest. But I won't lie, it was the bollocks!
(TheVomitingCavalier entered one image challenge and failed miserably, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 3:22, Reply)

More on sleepwalking... or not
Last week there were various messages posted about people sleepwalking into other people's beds and then being surprised and embarrassed to wake up there.
I've done that too. Except that sometimes I was wide awake and only pretending to be sleepwalking, surprised, embarrassed, etc.
(Turangalila, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 2:58, Reply)

I sometimes tell my girlfriend that....
....I don't feel like sex tonight because I'm feeling a bit poorly and have a gypy tummy (sometimes going into detail to put her off completely). Infact the real reason is that I'd just that moment had a wank before she came into the room and am feeling spent.

See, if she told me earlier I wouldn't have done and everyone would have been happy!

Why can't women plan ahead properly?
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 2:38, Reply)

I faked my suicide
There were some nasty types after me, so I abandoned my wife and job and pretended I was dead. On the plus side, it meant I didn't have to pay the gas bill which was frankly a rip-off.

Yours,
Adolf.
(mmmkay, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 2:32, Reply)

whenever I see mongs
I'm secretly happy that at I'm not one of them

And I never will be
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 1:54, Reply)

I Saw Him...
Gerry McCann, in the bedroom with the lead pipe. I haven't told anyone apart from the Portuguese media




allegedly
(Hugh.G.Rection Brother to Clendrix......., Fri 31 Aug 2007, 23:54, Reply)

dear sir/madam
whoever is now living in my old room in my university hall of residence would do well to never use the sink for washing/teeth brushing purposes. However they may take heart in the fact that it will act as a perfectly usable urinal if you cant be bothered to leave your room.



that is all
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 23:41, Reply)

Tears of laughter
I just got back from a holiday in Wales. Whilst there I witnessed a a mother looking for her child on a playground.

Funnily enough no one else thought it was THAT hilarious to hear a woman shouting:


"Maddie!, Madeline!.... where are you?"
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 23:20, Reply)

I am totally serious
I would be mortified for you all to discover my guilty secrets. Really, I would want to die. There's stuff I've done that no one in the world knows about except me.


writhes in embarrassment
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 23:17, Reply)

Feels Like the First Time
At a dorm party in my early college days, I found myself on the floor drunkenly massaging the shoulders of a, um, rather voluptuous woman - or, more precisely, her ass was bigger than my entire body. Virgin that I was, and absolutely tanked besides, I didn't pick up on the significance of her request to "walk her home." Having grown-up in a college town, walking the women home was just something you did with no obligation for sex assumed.

We get through the door and she tackles me. I eventually get away - and this is where the virgin thing becomes significant - and head back to the party....with my fly unzipped and the "little love-hammer" poking out. It took around a half hour for me to catch on and, no, I don't think the turgidity subsided at any point during that time.

Normal now, but no less excitable...
(The Manly Ferry, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 22:54, Reply)

Dammit!
Just a little too slow for the QOTW - sorry if it's already been posted...

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6972548.stm
(Heggy, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 22:28, Reply)

...
Too much info...
( Uncle Phallus Strong like fly, fast like elephant, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 22:10, Reply)

I
Like to fist sheep.

Well... I do.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 20:42, Reply)

Exit the Mad Stripper...
So it was about two years ago that I broke up with the Travel Agent and she moved out of my house. After a couple of weeks I decided it was time to go out looking for a new girl, so I signed up on match.com and started chatting up a variety of women. One was a restaurant manager, another was working at a placement agency, another was a postal worker, another was running a dental hygienist training school, and none of them know about the others.

Well, the postal worker didn't work out, the one at the placement agency turned out to be a former stripper with issues, the restaurant manager got mad at me and stopped calling, and the dental hygienist trainer turned out to be nuttier than squirrel poo... so about November I decided to cut my losses and give up on the whole dating thing. The hygienist was, as it turned out, also a former stripper with some mental issues as well as substance abuse issues... but she was still entertaining to hang out with sometimes, and would drag me off to bed whenever she had the opportunity, so I kept in contact with her off and on. I made it clear that I was not looking for a relationship with her- she was just plain too damn unstable and had been intoxicated in front of my son a couple of times, which she unhappily acknowledged as being good reason to not be truly a couple, but it was still okay to be friends. I affectionately referred to her as The Mad Stripper, a name she earned through her rather erratic behavior, and my kids all met her and agreed that she was in essence a box of frogs.

Late in January I decided that since my kids all had Myspace pages I should get on there as well to keep an eye on them, so I constructed a page with the pic that's currently in my profile here with the cat on my shoulders, and about a day later was contacted by the woman who turned out to be the one who's currently living with me... so we started hanging out and started sharing a bed, and I had her stay here whenever we could manage it (at the time she lived an hour north of me).

Now I'm not enough of an asshole to be shagging two women at the same time behind each others' backs, so I let things trail off with the Mad Stripper. If she called I would answer and would chat with her, but I really didn't have the time to hang out anymore, sorry... and so it went. As some of these calls happened while I was with the Lunatic Artist, she was quite aware of the situation and found it somewhat amusing.

Then one Sunday afternoon as the Lunatic Artist was here hanging out with me, I saw a very familiar car pull into my driveway. She heard me mutter "Oh shit" and go out the door, and my sons immediately crowded around the window as I headed off the occupant of the car. I gently explained that I had company, and she looked crestfallen but accepted it gracefully and drove off.

I came in the door expecting to find and enraged Lunatic Artist packing her things into her bag, but instead found her cracking up with my sons as they laughed at my discomfort. When she could speak again, she said, "So that's the Mad Stripper?"

Seldom have I been more confused or more grateful.

Even though she does still tease me about that.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 31 Aug 2007, 20:37, Reply)

About a year ago
I was enjoying a mainly text-based long distance session with a gentleman. Replying to some filth one day (which I will not repeat), I hit send and a few seconds later the house phone started ringing.

My parents were amazed to see me sprint downstairs, believing for one awful second I'd sent it to my house phone, and grab the phone out of its cradle as I never usually answered the damn thing (this was pre-Caller ID, and it was still not unusual for Stalker Boy to call me).

It was a telemarketing call. I've never been so happy to hear someone asking me about double glazing.
( Maladicta, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 20:35, Reply)

Uni pub quiz...
I wrote it, house mate read it, I won...almost every week for a year
( Devon Dan without geometry, there would be no point, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 20:30, Reply)

I don't really have many secrets
As i'm one of those really stupid people who tells everybody everything due to my uncontrollable urge to speak through a silence.

So i thought i'd tell one which the least people know. In my first year at uni when i lived in halls, me and two of my nursing friends decided to have a sumber party in my room. We all settled on my bed to watch labyrinth. About half way through the film i fell asleep and had a sex dream. But not about the delectable David Bowie but about Hoggle, the littl knoberly goblin.
What that says about my mind i really hate to think.
(minsh, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 20:30, Reply)

hole
this ones pretty tame. A few weeks ago i came home pissed to an empty house, i fell over onto my radiator and bashed myself up. I stood up, and being the aggro barstud that i am, proceded to kick a hole in the wall.

Luckily my family didnt notice until after my brother had had a party, and reasoned that it must have been one of his friends.

Oh and another time i was on holiday in Berlin. Caught food poisoning and about three in the morning ran to the jacks, but still ended up shitting all over my cacks. cleaned myself up, and with my family still blissfully asleep, wrapped them up in a couple of rolls of newspaper, plastic bags and toilet roll, shoved em in the the dustbin.

We checked out the next day. I still pity that German maid.
(BobbyDarin Was somewhere Beyond the Sea on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 20:19, Reply)

Guilty? nah
My Grandfather died from liver cancer and I am an alcoholic.
My Grandmother died from lung cancer and I smoke like there is no tomorrow.
My Father is a recovered drug addict and I smoke weed occasionally. I do coke regularly and I know how to cook crack. Smoke it occasionally.
I slept with my ex bosses husband, my friends ex several times and gave head to the guy she wanted to be with. I gave head to a guy who's fiance was 7 months pregnant at the time. I met up with my friend I haven't talked to in 4 years and we slept together. He's married.
Of all these I have only felt guilty about sleeping with my bosses husband. But she is a bitch. It doesn't justify it, but hey...I haven't killed anyone.

EDIT: Also, my friend found out she was pregnant last year, she broke up with her boyfriend and decided to keep the baby. I told a few of our mutual friends and then her sister talked her into having an abortion. So she had people coming up to her asking about the baby. Oops. I kinda felt bad about that. For about a second. Anywho, she's now with someone else and is pregnant again...keeping this one for real. But apparently I got drunk and told someone again, when I was sworn to secrecy. Oops, I did it again...
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 19:37, Reply)

burn
One day my parents saw some scars I had on my elbows and asked me where they came from. I said I had no clue but were probably from when i was a kid, falling off monkey bars in the playground or something. My dad kept insisting that he had never seen them before, "they have to be new" etc. I just shrugged and he finally changed subject.

They are actually carpet burns :S

Length & Girth? long/big enough to sacrifice my elbows for!
(it's not hash mixed drops, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 19:27, Reply)

Guilty? Eh no......
Back in the mid 90's when I was between wives (yes married twice so I am officially an optimist, I have the papers to prove it), I was doing what all newly separated blokes do, i.e, getting pissed lots and shagging anything that would let me........ (well almost).....

On this particular night me and my pal Al, got lucky and bagged a willing pair who we shall call Jac and Gill cause that is what they called each other.

After lots of drink fuelled dancing we made our way back to Jac(ie's) flat where we had to sneak past Gill's flat as she stayed downstairs from Jac(ie's).

Why? Because Gill's bf was watching her kid and he would have frowned upon my plans for his lady that night, (Complicated? a little. Dangerous, oh aye. Fun? f'n magic......).

Well once safely ensconced in Jac(ie's), myself and Gill got straight into it, as time was short for her in that bf down stairs would be wondering where she was.

Having the drink fuelled stamina of the gods at the time I put in a fine performance and Gill showed her appreciation in the what I can only call a vocal manner, (and no she wasn't snoring)....

Noisy? Until that point I'd clearly led a sheltered life........

However in the midst of our shenanigans bf comes up from down stairs and I am told to hide as it's not me who would get spanked for being naughty. (3 stories up so the window is not an option).

So under the bed I hide, after getting Gill's phone number and agreeing that we need to do more of the same........ she was good. (I surprised myself, hurrah for beer)...

Gill and bf leave after what i believe was a short chat with Al and Jac(ie), it seems that bf grinned at Al on the way out of the door......

Once they have left I start getting my kit back on when Al walk's in and states that he's off as he's been striking out.

So mere minutes after Gill has gone Al has left as well, (you can see where this is going? Good cause at this point I didn't have a clue).........

Well I'm pretty well dressed at this point when Jac(ie) comes strolling in and drops to her knees in front of me muttering something along the lines of "after that noise lets see what ur packing then"

So yes I did, with Jac(ie) minutes after her best pal had been good to me, but that's not the end, oh no.....

For about six months thereafter I would go visit young Gill in Jac(ie's) house at least once a week, and Jac(ie) would always "fluff" me up for second's after Gill had returned downstairs.........

Gill never knew.

Do I feel guilty...... Like f.............

Never managed a threesome mind,........ But hey ho........

After six month's of they two I needed a new one, so length was minimum.
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 18:47, Reply)

kickstandrich
Big Bird? You had sex with a Sesame Street puppet?

Now that would be a guilty secret...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 18:45, Reply)

I can, and regularly do,
sing the whole UM-BONGO tune.

Also, Safety Dance is in my top 3 all time chooonz
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 18:45, Reply)