Marriage
My new husband doesn't want to fuck me. So I told him to fuck himself
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 23:58, 12 replies)

my dad
we were little cunts as kids, always fighting, usually me and my brother. as a result, dad would often have to come upstairs to break up a fight and give us a bollocking.
we didn't like this.
we decided that, as he always slammed the door open, we'd balance stuff on top of the door and pretend to fight, causing him to race upstairs, swiftly open the door and dislodge whatever was on top of it and thus being hit on the head by it. shoes, pencil cases, books, we hit him with the lot.
we realised we'd gone too far after almost killing him with the iron.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 22:32, 1 reply)

An Alabama hotpocket

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 21:06, 11 replies)

Apparently Vegetables can be bastards too
She shat on me during sexytime...

..I changed the locks and the phone number. Best breakup ever.
(StrangeVegetable Will rape your sightballs, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 20:54, 4 replies)

My worst/best easter
My then girlfriend and I had not long bought our first house. We were both earning but not great amounts so times were hard and we didn't have a lot of spare money. It was coming up to easter and we'd agreed that since neither of us really gave a shit we wouldn't bother with easter eggs. Nice and simple, we didn't need to go spending money we didn't have and neither of us would be disappointed on easter morning.

So, along comes easter sunday. I get up and head to the bathroom for a piss. I come back to the bedroom and there's my wife, sat up in bed holding a present out to me. 'Happy easter!' she says. Sounds lovely, but I've got her nothing, just as we'd agreed, and she'd spent money, even though we'd agreed not to. 'FFS' says I, 'well pass it here then'.

I took the parcel, sat on the bed and started to unwrap it. Little silvery confetti-type stars started to fall out of it, all over the bed and the floor. This didn't help my mood as I knew who'd get the honor of picking them all up off the carpet. I look at the missus and she's just grinning. I pull the rest if the wrapper off and turn the box round to see my gift.

It's a chocolate easter egg in the shape of a sports car. It has the words 'Will You Marry Me?' in a lovely icing script on the windscreen. I take one look at it and relax, she's obviously got it at a bargain knock down price because someone had it done and then changed their mind. I told her of my relief that she'd saved a bit of cash with a second hand egg and shuffled off to put the kettle on. As I was leaving the room she just said 'I asked them to write it...'

Have you ever felt completely incredible and utterly wretched at the same time? Yeah, it's strange.

For a while I'd been thinking of how to propose to her. Id' bottled it as I was so worried she'd say no. She was and will always be the most beautiful person I've ever met and my closest friend. I was so scared of asking her to marry me as I felt it would somehow break the spell and I'd lose her.

This Angel who had let me share her life for a few years was now taking the bold step of asking me to be with her forever. Committing to our love and wanting to be with me. It was all of my dreams come true.

And my response was to call her a cheapskate and offer her a cuppa :o)

To this day that moment still haunts me. She found it in her heart to forgive me and we've been married nearly five years now. Please click if you can find it in your heart to forgive me too. I promise you I have never been so sorry in all my life!
(robbersdog, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 20:32, 10 replies)

My brother Randy was always more popular.
He got the pretty girls, the cool friends, the nice jobs. I had to pull some pretty crappy jobs and just always lived in his shadow.


So I ran his jeep off the road.

Lanny Poffo.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 19:25, 3 replies)

my brother
punched me in the nose for "making him get killed" on a computer game. apparently, just knowing that i was in the house was enough to put him off.
so, i waited till he buggered off out early one saturday morning, then i pissed in his bed.
served the little fucker right.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 18:28, 6 replies)

Horizontal and Vertical - Kebabs
You know the story. Out with the girlfriend, piling as much alcohol down her neck so there will be few complaints later on when you 'suggest' something deviant. Pub / Club and or Casino and the peckish plimsols are making their unsteady way to the nearest kebab shop, with you inside them and the gf on your arm.
Large donners all round please. Yes, of course I want fucking chilli sauce, but not for the lady, she's not really used to it.
Gobble, munch and chew our way through lamb bollocks and mechanically recovered spinal tissues and make our merry way home.
Straight to bed me thinks as she's more fruity than a skip load of ribenna lemmings.
Fumble around for a few mins and she's loving it with sutable 'Oos' and 'Ahs' in the right place. Suddenly she goes stiff and 'clamps up' with my hand stuck in the velvet underground.
'Did you wash your hands before you came to bed?' She queried.
'Yes, of course I did' fumble-on for 2 mins or so, followed by my hand being removed and her running to the loo shouting 'you bastard, you didn't wash your hands after that kebab and now I've got chilli on my twat'.

A few other swear words when she came out of the loo but no more vertical kebab for me that night.

To be honest I don't remember if I did wash my hands but I would have licked them a lot. Thank god I didn't go down on her!
(Suck it and Sea, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 18:26, 4 replies)

missed the pill and got pregnant
so my fella would have to stay with me.


problem ?
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Mon 20 Jun 2011, 17:08, 55 replies)

C.O.D.
One fine evening of getting fucking owned by cocky little Yankie kids on Modern Warfare...
"Hey Pectacular, you're 5 and 0 man...hahaha" ... cunts.

Blood boiled, Xbox controller left my hand at great pace and belted the ex-missus clean in the cheek as she entered the room...fucking beautiful shiner she got from that.
(Pectacular Almost spectacular...but somethings missing!, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 16:28, 2 replies)

8-legged revenge
My sister used to be a vindictive little shit when we were little. She was forever pilfering my favourite toys and hiding them in her room, then denying all knowledge of ever seeing them. My parents refused to listen, putting their loss down to my untidy bedroom.

I used to wait until she'd gone to ballet lessons to retrieve my treasures and drop a spider in its place knowing she had a bit of a dislike for them.

One week she went too far and hid about ten of my favourite star wars figures (I know right? Unforgiveable!). After that it was on like King Kong. I bided my time until she was out doing her girly dancing for a full day and went into the garden with jam jars and yoghurt pots and collected as many spiders as I could find.

I was sneaky enough to make sure I only collected the same species so my folks would just put it down to some kind of nest or infestation and then released them under her bed, in her sock drawer and among her toys. Must have been about a hundred of the little buggers scuttling off in all directions looking for a new home.

It's strange how waking up in the middle of the night with spiders crawling in your hair and across your face can turn a dislike into a full blown phobia.

25 years later my brother in law tells me she occassionally sits bolt upright in the middle of the night, rips the duvet off and starts sweeping at spiders that aren't there. I can't quite bring myself to tell her I'm the source of her night terrors.

Never underestimate the power of the dark side of the little brother :)
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 16:27, 3 replies)

Told my GF
that men had two bladders. "The fact we dont have a uterus, gave us more space for an extra bladder, hence why we Wee more times in the pub"

Fully believed me, and even rang her dad to check.

Also told her Paella was a spanish pie.

I love winding her up.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 16:21, 9 replies)

The horror!
I made my boyfriend watch Britain's Got Talent because I know it makes him cry inside.
*evil laugh*
( Mellicious is made of candy, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 15:06, 29 replies)

Beady Eyes
My friend tells her children that when the room sensors for their burglar alarm turn red it means that Father Christmas is watching them to make sure that they're behaving all year...

Edit - She's caught the littlest one talking to the sensor and telling Santa all about their day.
(ThursdayNext drowning in gin on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 15:03, 3 replies)

I'm still in trouble for this...
b3ta.com/board/10450237#post10451023
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 14:35, Reply)

Pea
My older sister could answer this question by detailing the time she purposely gave me surgical spirit to drink when I was very little resulting in a stomach pump (or whatever the correct procedure was called) or in fact the occasion when she ripped up one of my mum's silk scarves to tie me up in the car whilst my mum was in the shops and then claimed that a 'man did it', cue several hours with the police until she finally cracked and admitted everything. Strangely, I don't know if the police suggested that leaving two small kids in the car alone was not a particularly good idea but then it was the 70s and the Daily Mail hadn't 'discovered' noncery yet.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 20 Jun 2011, 13:58, Reply)

Dragged
my young kids around shops all weekend looking at big plasma screens and furniture.

Won't be whining little shitbags* when I hook up the fucking wii though....


*well, for about half an hour.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 13:18, Reply)

I think it's pretty safe to say that, like the offspring of so many of the middle-classes
I'm a complete disappointment to my parents.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 13:04, 12 replies)

One of my best mates
...is a completely arrogant arse; whose girlfriend was lovely and wouldn't harm a fly. He once called her 'fundamentally unlikeable' in front of all of us just because it was his turn to answer the door.
Anyway, one day he calls me saying that he's in the doghouse. Why? Because after a long day at a beer festival he gets home and decides it would be a great idea to pull down his kecks and fart in her face while she was sleeping; but unfortunately for him, "a nugget came out".
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 12:15, 23 replies)

I married her.
That'll teach her.
( slartifartfast When all around are losing their heads, duck., Mon 20 Jun 2011, 10:11, 17 replies)

Please don't breed.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 9:38, 14 replies)

Not done with any malice/evil intent
But horrible all the same. My mum occasionally brings up the following story of which I have no memory at all. When I was about 5 years old the front door was left open for a few moments and, as any energetic 5 year old would, I took this opportunity to run off like a fucking greyhound - straight down the garden path and out the front gate. Unfortunately no one noticed this though and for a while just it was assumed that I was in my bedroom or out playing in the back garden or something. When my parents eventually did realise that I was indeed missing, all of their worst fears began to surface. I was nowhere in sight. Repeated callings of my name from the front gate and knockings on neighbours’ doors turned up nothing. The panic button was pushed. The police were called. My mum was in tears.

After about an hour and half of my hysterical mum being comforted on the couch by my equally worried dad and a police officer, they got a call from the local hospital about half a mile away. But fear not, I was unharmed. Apparently I’d ran all the way there, crossing about ten busy roads by myself, turned up at the hospital and then just hung around in the reception area of the A&E department for a while until one of the ladies behind the desk realised I was all by myself and decided to ask me a few questions. In all I’d been missing for around 2 hours, which as you can imagine must have felt like a lifetime to my parents who had been going absolutely spare with worry the whole time. As I can’t recall any of this I have no idea why I decided to run off like that, but I’m guessing I just felt like going on an adventure. To be honest though I’m quite glad I have no memory of it as I’m pretty sure the bollocking I got following that little incident would otherwise still be ringing in my ears today.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 9:28, 3 replies)

I don't really see my nephews and neices so much as unique individuals, exploring the world in their own way; little humans to whom I owe it to guide and teach as best I can, so much as
weapons with which to annoy their parents.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 8:55, 5 replies)

My tale of shame and woe
So I was involved with a girl I'd been friends with for ages, we lived a few hours apart, so didn't see each other very much. I traveled to see her when I could, on promises of great times, romantic meals and general couple crap that we never got to have normally.

Each time I went, I was slightly let down, she never seemed that happy to see me, we'd always do what she wanted, watch her choice of movies, her choice of tv. I spent new year with her friends yet she flat out refused to meet mine for an afternoon. I told myself it was just cos times were hard for her and she was shy, and it was most likely my fault.

The last time I went to see her, I booked train tickets, only to find she isn't texting as much, I'm getting one word answers and she seems totally different. I manage to find out what's wrong, and apparently she isn't in the right place to be with me right now, and she just needs time. I ask her if she still want me to come visit and she says of course, she really wants to see me and I have to go.

I travel down after work, get texts to say I'll have to sort myself some food as she can't possibly wait until 8 to eat. I'm a bit gutted, say I'd take her out when she met me off the train. Apparently she wasn't meeting me off the train, I was getting the bus. I was pretty annoyed, but still, I reasoned it was a waste of her limited money to get the bus home after work, then back to pick me up. Then I was told she'd pick me up in her car (friend would be giving her a driving lesson) which was better. Got in the car, got told we were going to McDonalds, but not the one in town on the way home, another one a few miles off. I Sat in the back of her car while her shit music blasted, unable to talk to her.

We got to McDonalds and they told me they didn't have money, I'd be buying. I accepted this as I'd already said I'd buy her food and her friend did offer to pay me back. (I refused as I'd be staying in her house, using her electricity and heating). She didn't talk to me much as we ate, one word answers,she spoke to her friend about people they both knew who I didn't, essentially blocking me from the conversation. Her friend tried to include me, but it was pretty difficult and I was getting annoyed. We got in and went pretty much straight to bed. I was told we would watch White collar, a program she loved that I had never seen until she fell asleep. It wasn't my cup of tea but she fell asleep in the first episode, I got to turn it off and have some sleep before the next days big plans, watching her friend get a tattoo!

I don't know if you've ever watched some one get a tattoo, but it's a slow process, trying to make small talk failed, she still gave me one word answers so I chatted with the tattoo guy, who was pretty sound, but obviously needed to concentrate on his work.

Two hours later, we left and went to town, she walked infront of me with her friend, went clothes shopping and made me feel like a stalker. A friend of her's I'd met at new year's turned up, I chatted with him while texting friends who lived near by to see if I could maybe crash at theirs that night. She told me her friends were coming round that night and asked me if I minded. My exact words were "Would it matter if I did?" she asked what I meant by that and I told her we'd talk when we got home. Of course, when we got home, her friends came round and I didn't want to argue in front of them. More gossip about people I didn't know for four hours until finally, they left, she went to bed and I had the opportunity to talk.

Only, she was too tired to talk apparently, which tipped me over the edge, I had a massive go, told her she'd ignored me, been rude to me, cared more about her self and would have had the exact same weekend if I'd not been there. She said she had no idea what I was talking about, I told her to stop lying and that I'd have left there and then if I had the option. She seemed indifferent. "If that's what you want." she said.
"Of course it's not! I want you to at least talk to me, I've spent more then a weeks wages for two days of feeling like Bruce Willis in the sixth sense." I got a "Sorry." out of her. I told her that I knew things were rough, and we weren't a couple right now, but I needed to talk. She didn't feel like talking, so we didn't. Eventually she offered me a hug. I took it.

As I lay there, I realised how fucking pathetic I was. I was willing to let myself be treated like crap by some one who was clearly using my attention to make herself feel special. I thought about how many outher women had done the exact same thing over the years and how I would always fall for it. I realised it was no wonder I was always being screwed over, my self esteem was so low that I was actualy willing to accept this sort of crap rather then expect to find some one who actualy valued me, afterall, how could some one value me if I didn't value myself?

The next day we went to see anouther friend of her's, the usual talk of people I don't know, being ignored and then I finaly headed home, tired, saddened and disserpointed. But I took away with me a new sense of worth, the feeling that I was better then this, that I shouldn't settle for the first woman who'l have me.

So the terrible thing I'd done was not to some one else I loved, but to not love myself. I'm not 100% of the way there yet, but I'm on the right path. I know that I'm not perfect but I'm not a bad catch and I won't settle for some one who treats me like crap just because I'm afraid to be alone.
(Mong goose, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 2:17, 16 replies)

Baby's first fifty
In the mid 1990s my sister was a little girl aged eight or so, and she was given a $50 bill for some reason (a birthday gift or something, I no longer remember.) That was a huge deal for her, I don't think she'd ever had so much money before in her life, and it was agreed she should really give some thought to how to spend it. In the meantime she needed somewhere safe and special to put it away, so I recommended she put it in a book.

A few days later I was going to the library, so I took it upon myself to return the family's due library books. I'll give you three guesses as to how this all ended badly.

I took responsibility and scrounged up a replacement fifty for her ASAP, but that Sad Baby Sister Face^TM is forever etched upon my memory.
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 1:59, 1 reply)

I took my kids to a themepark yesterday.
They were being little shits on the way there so we sat in the parking lot listening to every one else having fun.

Ninja edited
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 1:41, 2 replies)

As they say - it should be called C.D.O.
She is neat, tidy and beyond obsessive with order. Whereas I am a male and therefore, ipso facto, a slob with dirty tendencies.
Living together we were a nightmare - she cleaning my laptop screen with some proprietary brand of cleaning pad even as I typed, I believing (rightly I still contend) that a bath can be cleaned before getting into it equally as well as if done at the end of a long soak - when all you want to do is get dry and find your specs.
This was not a relationship made in heaven.
And what starts as fun becomes a war of attrition spiralling out of control into a series of final straws - ending up with my taking her colour coded, neatly ordered office files and mixing them up on the shelf so that the slow sweep of the outer spine coloured spectrum that she loved to see was now a random series of unconnected stripes: with red next to green and orange next to pink.
Well here's a tip no matter how funny you may find it to toy with your girlfriend's OCD - don't mess with her sensibly ordered filing system the night before she has a quarter of a million pound proposal and quotation to file by 6am the next morning. And especially don't do it at a time when work is a little hard to come by in the private sector and failure means the redundancy of 3 or 4 of her employees.
I sleep on a sofa in my art gallery these days. It's quite messy but it's what I call home.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 0:56, 1 reply)