Pedantry...
Was walking along one day when I saw two chavs (probably a "couple") having a loud and verbally violent argument. As they saw me coming, they quietened down, and tried their best to look "grown-up"... When I passed them, I heard the gem "Anyway, pedantism is shit!". I didn't have the heart to tell them it was pedantry...
(Balue Free From Tetanus, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 19:09, Reply)

Tech Support
I'm not making this up. I told a guy to back up his computer. He told me he couldn't push it any further back.
(propain, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 19:02, Reply)

Mums....
Watching T.V, the renault" va-va- voom" advert comes up, and my dad helpfully commented that Thierry Henry play for Arsenal.....que a couple of minutes later, my mum pipes up " Why would Arsenal hire an actor to play football?" errr.......
(homochicken, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 18:52, Reply)

Neds
In reply to any claims that the word "chav" (or "ned" up here in Glasgow) only applies to "poor" people, I would say that it's completely untrue. I wouldn't call someone a ned simply because they're not as well off as I am, a ned is someone who gets on the bus reeking of beer and hash, sits behind me, pokes me in the back of the head and asks me to "Check ra nick! Dis yer ma still dress ye, ya pure brainboax?" or something similar. I've met plenty of neds whose families are perfectly well off and yet still choose to wear bright white tracksuits and three kilos of gold jewellery.
(SusK, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 18:46, Reply)

My Wife is usually really smart ( sorry love), but
Out at Dinner
"I want some of that bread with the garlic on it...what's it called?"

Waiter : "Garlic Bread"

and..
Me: " Sorry I'm late, I was at the scene of a homicide. "

"Oh, I hope no one got hurt"
(Primeight, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 18:43, Reply)

a mates family reading the radio times:
'ooh look Abcess is on later'
'Abcess? let's have a look'
*looks at RT*
'It's not Abcess! it's By-Pass!'

(they were talking about 'The Abyss')
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 18:39, Reply)

She's not even blonde
A friend from Uni once asked how torpedos work, because surely the fuse must go out under water? After we explained that they worked because of electricity she complained that it wouldn't work because 'electricity and water don't mix'. So we told her that you made them waterproof by stretching a condom over them and tying the end up with string, she realised we were taking the piss and shut up after that.
(lankymike, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 18:36, Reply)

an ex-colleague
once exclaimed:

"Moleskin trousers?! Oooh those poor little moles giving up their skins for a pair of trousers. Shame. Shouldn't be allowed!"

and one other: holding a minute of silence for Rememberance Day in a busy shop, a lady asked me:

"Why's it so quiet - has somebody died...? Oh."
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 18:25, Reply)

yet another one
I've got a few stories from working at McD's too.

Customer: Can I get a Whopper?
Me: We don't sell Whopper's here.

and...
Drive through customer: Can I get a Happy Meal?
Manager: What kind?
Customer: A Mighty Kid's Meal
Manager: Would you like a cheeseburger, hamburger, or nuggets?
Customer: Mighty Kids.
Manager: But would you like a cheeseburger, hamburger, or nuggets?
Customer: It's for a girl.

And my favorite one, from when I worked at Sea World...

Tourist: What time is the 11 o'clock show?
Me: You might want to check the show schedule at the front of the park.
(pk, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 18:16, Reply)

a few more
From my stepsister:
"I don't like donuts. Oops, I mean hot dogs. I always get them mixed up."
"It smells like leather in here" (we were in a leather shop)

My sister:
She was at an amusement park, and the employees there have where they're from printed on their name tags.She comes by one employee from Hungary. "It says that this guy's hungry. Maybe he should get some food."

Trying to explain to my parent's what's wrong with my computer:

Me: The modem's dead, and the insides are just a bunch of piece/parts thrown together.

a few months later, computer still dead...

Mom: Did you know that your computer is just a bunch of random parts thrown together? And the modem doesn't work.
Me: Yeah...
(pk, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 18:09, Reply)

Maccy D's employee
This was actually between christmas and new year. Happened to the girl on the til next to me.
Bloke: Can I have a Chicken McFlurry
Girl: Do you MEAN a Chicken McFlurry?
Bloke: [slightly irritated] Yes
Girl: I'm afraid we don't do those.
Bloke: Well what sort of McFlurries do you do?
Girl: [smirking slightly as you would if someone asked you for a chicken ice-cream] Wrll we do crunchie, plain chocolate, smarties, and matchmakers.
Bloke: [V. Angry] Fine then I don't want one [Storms off]
Que one or two moments stunned silence followed by three till-monkeys in hysterics. I wanted to know if he wanted crispy or grilled.

Oh and trying to explain to a girl in my class (17 at the time) why we see colour using the example of an orange pen writing on white paper. Cue the cries of 'But it's orange!' and eventually telling US that WE were makeing HER head hurt, after 15 minutes.

And last year convincing an AS level geography studant that the Isle of White was off the coast of Russia near India and for the trip there she would need a Whitean phrasebook. Beleived the lot.
(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 18:08, Reply)

My horribly middle class Aunt....
..was regaling my grandmother with a tale of how her son in law had been mugged in London..

"..and would you believe, they weren't even black!"

That's what spending your life in Norfolk does.
(mcnelson, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 17:45, Reply)

speaking of signing the backs of credit cards (in response to trogdor-lover's post)
A lot of people don't sign 'em. One of my friends told me not to sign mine, "because if you sign it, and somebody steals your card, then the thief knows what your signature looks like and he can forge it."
(fantastic german, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 17:29, Reply)

Caves
We were taking a guided tour of a cave. They didn't want any lawsuits, you know, so they'd gone and wired up the whole place.
One of the guys in the group asks, "how did people find their way around in this cave before they put lights in it?"
Lanterns, hello? The tour guide had probably heard this question a million times.
"Bio-illuminescence," our tour guide deadpanned. "Most people don't know this, but if you rub your hands together really fast, they'll let off a bit of a glow."
Then he turned out all the lights.
I then heard twenty people furiously rubbing their hands together.

(no, I didn't fall for it)

On a more general note, I see that you guys have been "enjoying" our "tourists".
^{For several years now, America has been packing up its dumbest citizens, outfitting them with cameras and faulty phrasebooks, and shipping over to Western Europe. We used to just send them all to Texas, but when one of them escaped and got elected president we realized that keeping them on the continent was not an option.}
(fantastic german, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 17:18, Reply)

Canon factory in Glenrothes
These aren't first hand but my mate worked at a factory during the summer months when he was a student.

Firstly, all the permanent, fulltime factory workers (window lickers) asked my mate Allan: "So if you go to uni what are you doing here?"

"I go to university from September to May. I'm just saving some money before the start of next term."

"Why? How much do you get paid to go to uni?"

As an aside I should also mention that they found it hard to imagine *saving* the money he earnt rather than pissing it up the wall.

My favourite though...

"So what do you study at uni?"

"Biology."

"So what did you do at school?"

"Biology."

"Do you not do different subjects at Uni then?"

Yep. They actually thought you do Higher (A Level) Biology and that's it. You know *everything*.
( djtrialprice, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 17:15, Reply)

And another thing
In History, i have a girl who can dye her hair all she wants, but she will always be blonde.

"China's in Britain isnt it?"
"I always thought east anglia was abroad."
"Japans economy improved in 1934 because they bombed pearl harbour."
The list goes on.
( Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 17:07, Reply)

9/11
Whilst talking to a freind of mine about the 9/11 attacks, he starts getting confused whenever i said 'the world trade center'. I tell him what they are, and he goes:
"They're the twin towers you idiot!"

'sigh'
(Note to Slyph)
There the S is gone. It was a typo due to not thinking straight you picky little...
( Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 17:02, Reply)

Not just the stupid are morons
I am a Unix systems bod for one of the biggest IT companies in the world and I specialise in very big systems for multibillion blue chip customers. I was working on a project for a very large investment bank. The installation, the application, everything was unique and being done from scratch. We're talking millions and millions and hundreds of people.
Needless to say it was a complete and utter mess and years behind schedule. The customer was jumping up and down (despite being 50% responsible for the mess), management were proving themselves less and less able. The answer - Americans!!!!! Over they come, rejig the solution they do, fat they are. All that. After three months we have loads of things to do, and a new plan. But the plan had taken so long to write that we had already used part of the time and it wouldn't get completed in the timescale that the customer had already been told. So we techies are asked to make up numbers to help management come up with a new plan, which immediately goes wrong. So round we go again, and again, and again. Every month for two years. Finally, after avoiding court for the nth time - senior (all thirty of them) management go on a replanning emergency retreat.
My third line manager (who was merely the flip chart guy at this heady gathering) says:
We have been replanning for two years and nothing has worked. How about examining where we are going wrong before starting again?

The ultimate boss (American): That sort of thing is not constructive and is not what senior management are here for. Now lets get on with replanning this programme to the dates I have decided.

Apols for no laugh out loud, and also to all of our shareholders.
(I am the infinite monkey!, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 16:56, Reply)

Yep, customers suck alright
We have similar trouble getting people to adapt to chip and pin in Somerfield.

The other day there was one oldy biddy who not only couldn't remember what her PIN was, she couldn't even remember how many digits it was supposed to be! She put in 3 numbers and then stood there looking at me.

We also do a thing called a Saver card which, if you decided to register, monitors what you buy for market research and occasionally dispenses money-off vouchers accordingly. There are also some BOGOF offers and suchlike which require a Saver card for you to get them. You get so many people completely missing the (not undersized) writing saying "Saver card offer ONLY." and then complaining when their shopping comes up more than they think it should be.
(Mr Slippyfist, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 16:48, Reply)

customers=cunts!
I work in a large supermarket (starts with an M and ends in a orrisons). We have had no end of problems with getting thick as shit customers to adapt to chip an pin cards. some gems are

1. old couple ignoring my instructions on how to use the card reader causing it to crash (they do actually crash sometimes, like any computer). when i told them it was because they'd ignored me the old woman replied "dont you know the customer is allways right"

2.lady " swipe it, i want to see what im paying for"
me "there's a screen on the card reader that tells you the full amount"
her"no offence but you could make that say any number"
me *taking piss* "oh right the same way I could make the recipt print anything "
her *shocked* "can you do that?"
me *exasperated* "no"

even signing for credit cards seems to challange some people. Its illegal to accept a card that isnt signed, or signed in front of you but some people dont realise this.

me" I cant accept this card its unsinged"
woman"ok ill just sign it now"
me " still cant accept it if you sign it in front of me"
woman *getting angry* "ok just look away for a minuate"

my best story though comes from a actuall doctor who typical to his profession signed like a cackhanded illterate

me" this signiture dosent match the one on your card, could you sign it again please"
Dr" im in here all the time, cant you just accept it?"
me "no, could you sign again please"
Dr"get your supervisor"
me"ok"
*supervisor arrives*
her"what seems to be the trouble?"
Dr *irate by now* "he wont accept my card because HE SAYS THE SIGNATURES DONT MATCH"
supervisor " your going to have to sign again, its for your security"
The doctor signed again,this time more carefully
as he stormed off he said "last time I shop here". Dear FUCKING CHRIST I hope he dosent work for the NHS.

Bottom line dont complain about credit card fraud people bring it on themselves.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 16:40, Reply)

Ugh
One time at a party, was terribly, terribly scared when a seemingly sane boy sitting near me started talking about how "everything Hitler did was good". Yes. I made my excuses...

And just today, whilst playing a piano piece in preparation for an exam, my mum asked "So is that one where you get accompanied?" Bless.
(Balue Free From Tetanus, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 16:40, Reply)

evening all
while working at a phone help desk I got asked for the number of the local police, as the lady phoning in had seen a documentary on TV and wanted to complain about the blatant police brutality shown. After much descriptiveness from said woman, I finally guessed correctly that for the past 5 years or so she had thought that there was a documentary series shown on ITV a couple of times a week called 'The Bill'. The squawk of astonishment when I told her it was a soap opera like 'Coronation street' is still ringing in my ears.
(cuckooland, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 16:39, Reply)

A colleague was bemoaning the fact
that she didn't have a shredder to get rid of confidential documents.
"That's OK," pipes up the local wind-up merchant, "just fax them to me and I'll do it for you!"

BTW Scoob 666, Richard Feynmann, Nobel Prize winner, could only differentiate left from right by looking for a freckle on the back of one of his hands!
(Doctor Evil, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 16:09, Reply)

Faux pas extraordinaire!
My wife was tending to a client who told my wife about some social gaffe a friend of hers had made. To make her point she went on to say (and you need to read this phonetically in a Mrs Bucket voice) "Yes, it really was a terrible facks-pass".
Best faux-pas ever?
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 16:07, Reply)

Some from my McJob
I'll keep this short as I could rant for ages. Sad thing is, I got so used to the ignorance and stupidity of customers that I just stopped noticing.

If you tell a customer they have to wait 3 minutes or whatever for a certain McBurger (say they want no sauce or we're waiting on the next batch) they whinge that it's 'supposed to be fast food'. For all the people that have ever said that; Can you cook, dress and wrap a burger in under three minutes?

Transcript:
Old bloke: Do you do that chicken burger thing with the salsa sauce? (Meaning a Chicken Premier)
Me: No, I'm afraid not
Him: Ok, we'll have two of those then
Me: I'm afraid we don't sell Chicken Premiers, would you like a different meal?
Him: Make those large meals
Me: Are they chicken sandwich meals?
Him: No, the other ones, the Premier things
Me: We don't sell them.
Him: You don't? Why didn't you say that?

Overheard: "Oh yeah, those Chicken McNuggets, they practically making them out of chicken now.'
(sanity challenged, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 16:06, Reply)

Our mates girlfriend Karen
Although we do love karen to bits she is undeniably thick as pig shit!

1: Karen was fooled into believing that stevie wonder regained his site after having an eye tranplant from his pet tiger. She even said "i didn't know he was blind! When did that happen?"

2: We convinced her in the pub one night that the E.I.E.I.O was the farmers union and all the farmers were going on strike.

3: We convinced her that Smitherines was a place in Africa near Moroco. And that the term blown to smitherines came from the first world war. She told everyone at her work that smitherines was a real place and there was much giggling.

The worst part is she saves peoples lives. Now would you let this person fit you with a pacemaker???
(D-Fenz Who put bacon in the soap?, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 15:56, Reply)

Formally Blonde
I love my best friend more than naything in the world. But shes thick. i mean, really thick.

When i live din guernsey i told her they didnt speak english but a variety of french and guernsian. She believed me. Tl this say i can still jibber jabbe rin my made up language and she thinks its real. She also thought guernsey was 2 days ahead of us. she would fone me up on monday and ask how wednesday was.

When it was the queen mothers birthday we were in edinburgh, watching the parade on the TV. Watched it for an hour htn elaine sayss "Whos the queen mother" took us 4 years to explain to her and she still dosnt quiete get "how the queen....? has a mother.....?"

She dyed her hair brown last week so she "thought like a smart person"
(StrangeKristine, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 15:53, Reply)

My Boss
My boss just questioned a SQL Query I'm writing. He said "shouldn't that be a semi colon?"

I told him, "no, not in this particular query but thanks for the suggestion." and then when he had left the room I laughed about it for a few seconds.

I'm bad.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 15:53, Reply)

My Mum
bless her, wanted a crystal ornament from the world renowned crystal company, Swarovski.

Me: What do you want for Christmas mum?
Mum: Oh, how about one of those swastika things?
( Weetobix, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 15:37, Reply)