Ali 'The Rez' Van....
...quality bloke that he is, for a long time laboured under the misapprehension that Aerosmiths reissue of 'Walk This Way'...was performed with a chap called 'Rundy', who was an MC.
(mcnelson, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 19:10, Reply)

My mother just picked up my three Spanish textbooks
and asked in an accusing tone "exactly how much Spanish do you need to learn?"

Nice to see her taking an interest in my education.
( Malchick, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 19:09, Reply)

In the last election
there were a pair of brothers running for two different offices. Ken and John Salazar.

I was hanging with a friend, when a commercial for one of them came on. She looked at me with a blank look and said

"How come sometimes they call him John, and sometimes they call him Ken?"

At which point, I had to explain there were two different Salazars, running for two different offices. After a good laugh, she then said

"I guess I should tell my mom. She thought they were the same person too."


I then tried to explain to her that she really was too stupid to be voting in the first place. And her mom too.
(grrlatthrockshow, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 19:00, Reply)

whopse
on the tube a while back my GF asked what IDS was as it was plastered over the paper just before he got the boot and me being clever replied it's the american tax office.. doh
(Ajtag, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 18:40, Reply)

Magic Skin
The girl I used to get a lift with to school thought that birds could stand on electricity cables, train tracks etc because they had special skin. Fair enough, she was only a child but her mum then correced her by saying that it's actually because the wires are only electrified part of the way along.

How do the birds know which bit is electric... ?
(MyNameIsClare, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 18:37, Reply)

Weekly world news
Circa 1995, crappy spoof newspaper called Weekly World News, bought it for a laugh. Now this chick i worked with was ya typical blonde. Cue me:
I show her the front cover,there on the cover a fine Photoshop of the wee beastie, prone on "a beach in Loch Ness", lies Nessie, Dead!

me: Check this out
her: what
me: They found the loch ness monster dead
her; have they?
me yeah look at the picture
her: (starting to cry) thats so sad, is he really dead, what are they going to do with his body, have a funeral?

At this point I tell her its fake, she then replies, but look the picture, its real.

She was promoted, and i got fired for using company assets to promote my own business!!
(SkinnyBoy, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 18:34, Reply)

Not quite overheard
but I'm sure you'll forgive me

I'm doing my AS exams on a computer (I'm dyslexic), what happens is, I type it on a laptop which is then saved to a floppy disc and printed on a desktop. So at the end of my english exam, the teacher comes and takes my disc, I follow her and watch as she inserts the disc in her desktop, opens word and tells it to print. Unfortunately forgetting the formality of opening the document first. I pride myself that I didn't laugh out loud
(Dromedary, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 18:23, Reply)

This one was just pulled off by me
Brief explanation of events beforehand here: just before Christmas, my boyf went away to New Zealand for a month on some scout expedition thing, unfortunately timed as I was just weaning myself off of my antidepressants after all that stuff in the news about them. So, understandably, I was somewhat miserable. On to the story.
I went to a party last Saturday at my mate's house, didn't know what the purpose of it was but didn't question it, after all, it's a party! This guy's pretty prone to throwing random parties anyway. I assumed from the birthday cards dotted round the house that it was for his brother's birthday, although none of his mates were there.
Odd thing was, people seemed to be falling head over heels to keep me entertained, getting me drinks and stuff and forcing me to dance. Also, a couple of people said something about "yeah, I thought it was a great idea to have a party for you". Assumed they were joking, of course, as they were very, very drunk indeed.
Fast forward to today, talking to a friend on MSN. She just apologised for not being able to to make it to my party on saturday. Confused, I replied that I hadn't had a party. Then the penny dropped, bless them, my friends had actually thrown a party in my honour in order to cheer me up! Yay! Don't think I'm going to live that blonde moment down now though *spangs forehead*
( useful_idiot, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 18:13, Reply)

A couple of things...
I was visiting Edinburgh Castle, when the tour guide asked "Are there any Americans in the group?" No-one said so he continues "You see that radio mast over there, American tourists think that's Paris..."

I was visiting London as well and admiring Westminster Abbey when two Yanks piped up "Stupid place to buld an Abbey. it's right in the flight path of Heathrow."

One more. I visited America (No I haven't travelled the world) and was waiting at the airport to go home. I felt someone touch my arm, turned round and found it belonged to a middle aged woman. She then says to me "Hey, are you British?" I reply in the affirmative. "Well, do you have beaches in Britain?" She asks.
(The_Reaper, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 18:12, Reply)

in re Normanator
(about the native Californian who considered himself Irish)
Most Americans do this. My mother's family has lived in America since the Civil War and she still considers herself "Irish American." It must sound pretty dumb that a sixth, seventh-generation American citizen is still "Irish", but that's just how it is.

It's not uncommon to ask someone, even if you don't know them that well, "Where was your family from?" or even "What are you?" I never ask though...some people know a great deal about their family tree so you could be there for a while.

edt: bytheway, *I* don't go around telling people I'm German. The screenname is completely unrelated.
(fantastic german, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 18:11, Reply)

I walked into a chemist's
and saw an exasperated pharmacist leaning on the counter talking to an old woman. I don't know what they'd been talking about but I arrived just in time to hear this gem -
Old woman: I thought of trying that anorexia.
Chemist: No love, that's not a diet - it's a serious illness.
Old Woman: Oh, I thought they just did it.
Chemist: No love, it's really serious.
Old Woman: Well I thought it were a bit much much, you know.

I just stood behind the old woman smiling at the chemist. He looked like he was having a long day.
(boukha, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 18:02, Reply)

Kids today...
A mate of mine was walking down the street when he saw two chavlings taunting a little girl (all about 5 yrs old). She screamed at them and ran away. Then they started shouting afer her:

"VIRGIN! YOU'RE A VIRGIN! HA AH HA HAHHAAA! VIIIIIRGIN!!"
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 18:01, Reply)

oh yeah, just remembered...
there was this guy at uni who was totally useless with computers. so when his screen went funny one day, we convinced him that it ran out of ink and that he had to go to the shop and buy new cartridges...

he also wondered once in the computer lab why the mac would give back his disc. turns out someone had removed the disc drive and the disk simply fell through the slot onto the mainboard.

bless him. he was a faggot. (true, but added just for Captain PC)
( bierbelly, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:52, Reply)

Normally I drive
but whilst waiting at the bus stop this avo I had the pleasure of witnessing one chav do an absolute spot-on Vicky Pollard "that fing wot I don't know nuffing about" impression in front of his mightily impressed 'mates'.

Oh the irony.

PS my mate used to say to me "don't shoot your chickens before they've hatched". Sensible advice.
(ryry, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:51, Reply)

big church
While passing the nice 12th century church in visby,sweden my x-sister-in-law overheard two american tourists:

"It's a church, we got bigger churches" and then they just left.

I think it's kind of funny :-)

/Smj
(Slick_master_Jastard, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:49, Reply)

My Mum again
a long time ago Mum declared that she was going to paint the front door and that she was off to Fads for some 'Nigger Brown' paint.
After clearing up spilt tea & biscuit crumbs we explained to her that it can't be called that anymore.
After hearing us use the phrase, she declared that this was "Political Correctness gone mad".
"No" Mum we said "It's actually very correct" finally convincing her that this was not a nice word anymore.
So we check the colour chart and the colour she wants is now "Conker Brown".

Off we go to Fads.
Mum walks up to assistant of Afro-Caribbean persuasion.
Mum: "I'd like some "Conker Brown paint please"
Assistant: "Conker Brown?"
Mum: " Yes, you know, the one that used to be 'Nigger Brown'"

(sumo_san, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:43, Reply)

Americans again
On a trip to Dublin , I was viewing the 'Book of Kells'
When your typical Yank tourist women pipes up to her tour guide (who has already done his schpiel).

Yank: " So is it a Protestant or Catholic Gospel"

Guide: " Well it was written around 800AD, before the reformation and the split from Rome, so I guess you could just call it a Christian Gospel"
Yank (miffed now) : "Yes, but is that Protestant Christian or Catholic Christian"

In the mean time all her stupid friends were taking flash photographs of the manuscript, despite being told not to. With the excuse that the camera just does it on it's own.
(sumo_san, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:35, Reply)

Some girls will always be thick
When she was about 17ish, this girl who used to hang around with us asked an immortal question;
"You know those hearts on valentine's cards....is your heart really shaped like that?"
Before pissing myself laughing, I replied with "It's a fucking lump, but we don't use the phrase 'I fucking lump you' very often though" before laughing her into yet another local teenage pregnancy.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:27, Reply)

Tate Modern's Weather Project
Parents come down to London for the weekend. Thought I'd show them the sights, so take them to the Tate Modern (it's free after all). Go in to turbine hall to see the Weather Project - sunset-type effort in enourmous hall.
Cue dad: "Wouldn't want to change that lightbulb." He was so pleased with this gag he was almost shouting.
(pastypits, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:26, Reply)

-mimo-
Sorry to disappoint
*sigh*
(StupidGlueBoy, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:26, Reply)

Me again. *sob*
I clicked on StupidGlueBoy's link thinking he had actually made the site in response to Apeloverage's comments.

And incidentally, the US generally uses 91 octane petrol, which is indeed different to the 95/98 octane European petrol.
(-mimo-, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:18, Reply)

I really musn't bite, but ...
Girl: So what are you doing this summer?
Boy: Well, I'm planning to ride across
America on my motorbike if I can raise the
cash in time.
Girl: Are you sure it'll run on American
petrol?

Depends on the octane rating available and whether the timing has been adjusted to suit. Petrol is not all the same.
(Throbbe, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:17, Reply)

Tsunami after effects?
The other night, during the high winds, my girlfriend asked if we were "seeing the after effects of the tsunami".

Much belming followed.
( Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:03, Reply)

word document
My boss needs help.

He was trying to save a word document to a floppy disc, and was being informed that the document file size was too large and therefor could not be saved.

Ok so far.

Cut to him asking one of the girls who works with us if she knows how to decrease the font size of the words in order to make the file smaller.

She too thought this was a great idea and wondered why no one had thought of this before.

My boss was also spotted the other day adding up a column of figures in excel with a calculator in order to put in the total at the bottom.

Get me out of here. Please.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:00, Reply)

brought to you www.justramit.co.uk
A Customer Just Explained

his e-mail address is [email protected]

he spelled it and then explained, 'fearless, as in, no fear'.

thanks.


These people have guns

Snippet of e-mail from customer:

"I'm in the U.S. military in Germany and the only way stuff can ship to and from here is through USPS. Your online form did not accept AE as a valid state in the US. Is there any other way I can get this (product)replaced?"

The answer?

in the question perhaps?

Armed and dangerous, credited with the responsibility and decision skills to make life and death choices about who to shoot at, yet cannot master a basic skill like, oh, i dont know, figuring out Germany is not in the United States.

Freedom, Democracy, the Future, what hope?

I'm never having children.

my reply (as if),

Dear Sir,

thank you for your e-mail, oh yes and liberating us from Hitler.

Since then things have really perked up around here (Europe).

Not only can we get McDonalds in all of the larger, medium, smaller and provincial backwater towns, motorways, petrol stations and supermarkets but we can afford to wear Nike shoes, levis jeans, chew bubblegum, drive drag racers and watch Will Smith saving the world from robots and aliens again and again.

And double bonus for you sir, some of the larger, expansionist US corporations have deemed fit to provide us with labour in airless bunkers dotted about the place, like in Ireland where an entire generation has learned the joy of telephony.

One of these mighty benevolent American giants is UPS, another is DHL, both of whom deliver to, you guessed it - Germany.

Hurrah and Felicitations sir.

Your (product) is winging its way to you as we speak, not literally of course. Since the fall of the Ottoman Empire, people round here have stopped traveling by magic carpet. Such a shame you weren't around to liberate us from them too.

Kind Regards,
(bazmandublin, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:00, Reply)

PURE UNADULTERATED ignorance
My missus and I were watching the match on telly. Arsenal were playing. She pipes up:
"Ooh, isn't that the guy off the Va Va Voom adverts?"
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 16:53, Reply)

My (now-ex) Art Director...
...bless her soul, says some of the most bizarre shit.

While sitting on the Circle Line on the way to a meeting:
"Where does the Circle Line end?"

When trying to think of the name of a dinosaur:
"Oh, the one with the things on it's back... a Hexagon."

And as she's dyslexic:
"How many 'A's are there in 'Cheers'?"

On a slightly different note, I once convinced everyone in our office that she had the word 'SLUT' tattooed across her arse (two letters per cheek). That wasn't very nice. Nor was it nice when I mentioned that she meant to get LUST tattooed but spelled it wrong. Poor thing. I'll miss her. Honest. Oh, don't worry, she's not dead or anything.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 16:49, Reply)

While working for the national lottery charities board...
"I saw this film, it was called Along Came A Spider... It was dead good! There weren't any spiders in it, though..."
The individual responsible for this gem was earning three times as much as me.
My quite reasonable response was to bang my head off the desk and go on a 12 hour drinking binge that resulted in my dismissal. Best thing I ever did!
And last year, they all got sacked. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, BITCH?
(Sathington Willoughby, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 16:49, Reply)

The most irritating flatmate ever
At uni, we advertised the spare room in our house and only one person applied, so we were left with the most irritating and ignorant tosser you could ever wish to imagine. So much so, that we called him 'New Boy' behind his back for the first couple of weeks, but he had such a chip on his shoulder that we were still calling him that after twelve months.

Anyway, one of the absolute classics of aforementioned New Boy, was when he was arguing that you can set fire to mud. To which we responded, mud, being wet earth, cannot burn because it's wet. i.e. has water in it.

New Boy would simply not accept this argument and this wrangling match went on for around 45 minutes and ended in him spending the rest of the evening sulking in his room.

He was always arguing and correcting us and almost always wrong.

What a tosser.
(Roy Horn, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 16:49, Reply)

Fitba daft
Not so much stupidity, as just a lack of awareness of the seasons in the Northern Hemisphere.

When footballer Ulisses de la Cruz, who hailed from Ecuador, was signing for Hibs he was being interviewed by the club's manager in June in Edinburgh.

It should have been obvious things weren't going to work out when the jumper-swathed footballer asked: "Is it always this cold here in winter?"
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 16:48, Reply)