Teacher gets owned by a 12 year old
Unfortunately the teacher was me.
A couple of years back I was teaching in a rather deprived area to say the least. Most of the kids had unemployed, junkie parents who spent a lot of time in court. Funny enough, they were nice kids at heart, but rough as fuck, stoned in class, breaking windows, nicking stuff etc. Most of them, if they came to class, had no books or paper and were spazzed out hyper.
You can imagine my delight when over the course of the year, I get them to settle down and actually take interest in the lessons. They were even doing work that wasn't assigned, craptastic but nonetheless it brought a tear to my eye.
I had spent a week teaching them about verbs, "action words, something you can do", I explained this in very simple terms and I was pretty confident that they had it nailed down.
I decided it was time to see my shining scholars demonstrate their new found knowledge, perhaps followed by standing on their desks and declaring "O captain, my captain." Sorry if this goes on a bit, but feel free to skip all of the poem after the first stanza. (I just thought you might like the poem)
Me: Ok, read the following poem and underline the verbs.

Digging


Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests; as snug as a gun.

Under my window a clean rasping sound
When the spade sinks into gravelly ground:
My father, digging. I look down

Till his straining rump among the flowerbeds
Bends low, comes up twenty years away
Stooping in rhythm through potato drills
Where he was digging.

The coarse boot nestled on the lug, the shaft
Against the inside knee was levered firmly.
He rooted out tall tops, buried the bright edge deep
To scatter new potatoes that we picked
Loving their cool hardness in our hands.

By God, the old man could handle a spade,
Just like his old man.

My grandfather could cut more turf in a day
Than any other man on Toner's bog.
Once I carried him milk in a bottle
Corked sloppily with paper. He straightened up
To drink it, then fell to right away
Nicking and slicing neatly, heaving sods
Over his shoulder, digging down and down
For the good turf. Digging.

The cold smell of potato mold, the squelch and slap
Of soggy peat, the curt cuts of an edge
Through living roots awaken in my head.
But I've no spade to follow men like them.

Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests.
I'll dig with it.

Looking around the classroom, the little unchins were really making an effort, a whole generation of underacheivers sticking it to the man and rising above the shit. The head hyper nutter was buried in the poem, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, eyes focussed, smiling like a mong, hands grubby with ink, even his lice were behaving. Suddenly he sits upright, looks straight at me and beams "finished sir! ask me."
Me: Alright Sean, what's the first verb?
Sean: "Finger" sir.
Now you can see where this is going, but I had put blood sweat and tears into teaching these chavs verbs, and by fuck, verbs they will learn. The blood pressure went through the roof.
Me (eyes popping out of my head, veins in my neck): Sean, what in the blazes is a verb?
Sean: An ackchun word sir, summit' you do sir.
Me: Then how is "finger" a verb? Have you ever seen somebody fingering?
Sean: Yeah, I saw me cousin fingering that slapper Jenny from number 27
You can imagine the uproar. I cut the insides of my mouth trying not to laugh.
It broke my heart to give him detention, genius.
(knackerz is skinning up, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 4:44, 7 replies)

Countryside frolics
OK. I’m the first to admit that I like nothing more than a good double-entendre. Thus, I never pass up the opportunity to get one in. In fact, I regularly go off on one, and often have to take a moment to get a hold of myself. I frequently have to take myself off in a little room in order to calm down. Tourette’s is also a serial innuendo-er – it’s one of the reasons I love her. Well, there are a couple of other reasons as well. But anyway.

There can be no greater love demonstrated, I think, than when a man is prepared to administer medical treatment in an intimate area. A few years back, myself and Tourettes took ourselves and our lunatic dog off to the countryside (Warkworth, to be precise). We took a picnic in a rucksack, a couple of bottles beer, and had a walk along the river. Spotting an overgrown bushy area, we decided to divert from the path and wander through the long, hairy grass and find a spot where I could unload my bulging sack. Tourette’s couldn't wait, and started helping herself to the contents with relish.

We were both quite thirsty by this time, and the bottles of beer were an inviting prospect. The bottles, naturally, required the use of a bottle opener because they were sealed by those crimped metal bottle caps. I reached down and cracked one off with ease, but somehow the second took a little longer. However, with a flick of the wrist and a sharp tug, it soon came away in my hand. We lay there for a bit, having the odd munch, and finished our beer.

This being the countryside of course, public toilets were short in supply. As a bloke, it doesn’t usually present a problem – it’s no great hardship to have to take yourself off behind a tree, but for the ladies it’s a bit more of a complex exercise. So I was sorted quite quickly, but it took a bit longer to locate the right spot for Tourette’s. Anyway, I was lying there, half dozing, when I heard a piercing cry. I looked up to see Tourette’s struggling a bit and jerking up and down slightly. She managed to find her composure, and came stomping through the grass. I asked her if anything was up, and she explained to me that she’d managed to lose her balance, and ended up sat in a bunch of stinging nettles.

Obviously I was sympathetic to her plight, but we didn’t have anything medical to hand.

“I’ve got some sting relief at home, that should sort it” she said, “but I can’t reach where it stings myself”.

“OK”, said I, ever the gallant gent. “Let’s head home, and I’ll spray your arse with cream”.

Happy days.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:12, 11 replies)

They all want to be in my gang...
I can be quite eloquent when I try. Despite the northern accent and propensity to curse like a navvy, I’ve been told that one of my strengths is my ability to explain scientific concepts in a clear, concise manner and to convey instructions to students in such a way that they feel confident that they understand what it is that I want them to do. I’ve also been working on my “dealing with people” skills (yes, I’m applying for jobs) as we’ve been having a few issues at work with postdocs treating undergraduate students like slaves. I was asked to step in and mediate in one instance to try to resolve the issue. I gathered together some of the undergraduates and we talked through what they felt the issues were and what we could do as a group to resolve them. I used the occasion to canvas their opinion on what they thought my strengths and weaknesses were in terms of supervision so that I could work on these.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the students found me easy to work with. They weren’t shy about telling me where I needed help (“not panicking” was one of the things they suggested I could try harder at).

Now I said I can be quite eloquent. This, unfortunately only comes as part of an iterative process, where I work out what it is that I’d like to say and carefully hone it so that the words eventually leave my mouth in the right order, minus the “ums”, “erms” and “fucks”. I’m not good if put on the spot. I was asked by a colleague about the outcome of my meeting with the students and how they had rated me. One of the things we had discussed was motivation and that they felt that I was good at motivating them to carry out experiments that they were nervous about or that they had been putting off.

Unfortunately when I tried to convey this to my colleague, I told them that, “the students say I make them do stuff with me. You know, unpleasant things. Things they don’t want to do…”

The silence that followed has been hitherto unmatched in duration or awkwardness.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 20:35, 6 replies)

I was once bought a box of cheap perry for a party
I was shocked.



Shocked and appalled.
(__, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 16:07, 4 replies)

Korean student mistakes
I work for an ESL website based in Korea, where Korean students post their writing online and I correct all their mistakes. Over the last couple years I've saved all my favourite unintentional ones.

-"i can be a person who kills two births with one stone" (Obviously meant "two birds," but this metaphor works even better.)

-"There are foreshore. We caught small crap. My children played so hard. But there was not many crap." (about a trip to the beach, where you can see carp.)

-"Today was raining. I don't like rain so much.
Because I feel not so good about that day's humidity. My jeans are wet. My bag and pipe is wet, too." (Bag and pipe? I hope this person is a Scotsman.)

-"There is a small garden in their back side."
(Koreans live in apartments and are unfamiliar with the concept of a "backyard.")

-"I stole the chickennuggit from my roommate. While I fled from him I choked on chicken."
(This was a translation drill. The original phrase was, of course, "I choked on the chicken nugget.")

-"Ironically, the most expensive things in my car are my Methmatics books, which are not stolen. That thief may not be a budding Mathematician." (This was also a translation drill. I would imagine a methmatics book would be valuable. Oddly, the student didn't have any trouble spelling "mathematician.")

-"I work more than 40 hours a week, take an evening course. Meanwhile, my bone is growing." (I really can't explain this one.)

-"This is the incontinent truth that we don't even feel like thinking about." (Inconvenient truth?)

-"Sometime, some testes will be come to them." (The student was talking about tests. This is a very common Korean error.)

-"Today wasn't a very good day because I have 4 testes today." (I warned you, didn't I?)

-"In a computer game, you will have to manage a group of slacker employees at a reproduction shop." (This was a translation drill. The "reproduction shop" was supposed to be a copy shop, not some sort of sex venue.)

-"I have a dream. Actually serevral dreams.
Those are the followings. My dreams of 2008!! There are 4 goals. First, lose my weight about 7kg to be able to wear mini skirt. Second, enter the graduate shool for English translation. Third, meet my ideal half who make true and pure love with me." (I didn't think she could top the Martin Luther King quote, but that last line made it all worthwhile.)

I hope these were amusing enough for you.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 10:46, 6 replies)

PJM's guide to safe mountain biking.
When taking part in any extreme sport, it's advisable to inspect your equipment and ensure that it's in tip top condition to minimise the risk of breakage and injury whilst on the trails. A negligent rider experiencing a mechanical failure will tell you that there's nothing worse than coming off suddenly and ruining an otherwise excellent ride.

Here's a list of things to look out for on your mountain bike before you take to those gnarly trails.

Gussets and frame damage

A bicycle frame is manufactured from either aluminium, steel or carbon fibre. The weak points of the frame are usually the areas where one tube has been welded to another and is usually the point where fatigue is likely to manifest itself by cracking. Some frames feature small reinforcing gussets to strengthen the joints. Because they're under stress, it's absolutely essential that you make sure that your gusset area is carefully checked for signs of an obvious crack. The gusset helps reinforce the head tube area of your frame and because this particular part of the frame is subject to frequent stress, cracked metal here may be a sign of imminent frame breakage, sudden gusset failure can have extremely messy consequences if you are thrown head first over the handlebars without warning.

Any hint of gusset damage should be taken very seriously before you attempt to swing a leg over the saddle.

Suspension Settings

Suspension forks are usually filled with damping oil which dampens out impacts which would otherwise be felt by the rider. it stands to reason that a buttery smooth stroke action will reward with less strain on the wrists, so careful maintenance will pay dividends. Likewise, making sure that the rebound is controlled will prevent the fork from bouncing repeatedly into your face during a strenuous ride.

Forks themselves are generally robust, depending on the manufacturer but inadequate sealing can mean that oily fork fluid is forced past the fork seals themselves. The tops of the legs should always be checked for signs of dampness before mounting the bike.

If fitted, rear suspension needs attention too. The rear shock is responsible for keeping the wheel in contact with the ground and maintaining traction/braking. The diligent mountain biker will therefore carefully inspect the shaft of the shock before weighting the saddle and pounding it firmly a few times. Although a small amount of fluid leakage at the end of the shaft is perfectly normal if the oil seepage is excessive then your shock may require a rebuild.

Like the forks, the rear shock features rebound adjustment to ensure that the bike does not buck and writhe underneath you too much whilst riding vigorously. You should ensure that your suspension is adjusted so that the saddle isn't pummelling you from behind and throwing you off balance .

Brakes

Your brakes are the most important component of your bike and should be in tip top condition at all times. With hydraulic brakes, fluid forced along a tube is responsible for pressing the brake pads against the rotor and slowing your down. If your bike has stood unused for a length of time, it's worth buying a brake bleeding kit which works by sucking the fluid out of the end of the hose until not a drop is left of the old brake fluid. The brake is then refilled with new brake fluid, pumped a few times until it becomes firmer in your fingers and you're ready to go again.

Wheels

Spoked wheels maintain their strength by virtue of the fact that the wheel is under considerable tension. A tired wheel may well feel disappointingly floppy when you grasp it with both hands and twist it from side to side. A loose wheel is going to buckle sooner or later, but there are remedial actions you can take.

The spoke is joined to the rim by small metal nipple. Extreme caution should be exercised if you should happen across a buckled rim, make sure that you use a high quality nipple tensioner and gently tweak the nipple quarter of a turn at a time. Take it slowly and you'll last the distance with a stronger and more responsive wheel.

Lubrication

Selfishly grinding away without ensuring everything is carefully lubed first is a no-no. The cassette in particular should be oiled so that each of the gears spins smoothly. Check for lubrication by running your finger along the length of the chain. If the residue is dark and gritty, then you'll need to clean the drivetrain and relube everything. Likewise, too much oil attracts dirt and can quickly damage a chain. Tell tale flecks of oil on the frame itself can be a giveaway that you've been overdoing the oiling. Many a time I've seen a considerable amount of lube dripping from the flange between the chainstay and the bottom bracket.

Final preparation

Your clothing should be up to the task too. Always wear a cycle helmet and make sure that your helmet is never dropped or subject to weakening impacts. Some riders use an old pillowcase to cover the helmet with a protective sheath while not in use.

That's the important points covered. Your trusty steed is now ready for the outing so mount her quickly and enjoy an exhilarating ride before you go off the boil.

Enjoy the ride, but try not to take too many risks out there. Only last week I fell off balance and almost forced it into a nearby crevice unexpectedly . It gave me a fright I can tell you! However, I yanked back hard and avoided ending up in the dirt track which headed in the wrong direction.

What?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 16 Jun 2008, 16:53, 17 replies)

Badly handled innuendo
I work part-time in the local old-mans boozer. One night I was in my usual position (sat on my bum on a bar stool awaiting instruction) when a middle aged gent entered the pub and approached the bar. Surveying our large range of draught bitters, he ummed and erred for a while before asking for:

'One of your handjobs please'

whilst making a pulling motion with his arm.

I know what he meant, but ended up wheezing with silent laughter, shoulders a-shaking, while having to deliver said 'handjob' ie. pint of bitter for those unfamiliar with the good ole British pub.

That should have been it, and I wish to god it had been, but when the hysteria began to subside I replied;

'I'm afraid I don't do those'

and then, for why I do not know, said;

'Oh, well, I do, just not in here'

When I saw the look of horror on his face, I realised I'd just told a respectable-looking, pillar of the community-type complete stranger, that I wank people off in my spare time.

Horrors.

First post - yay woo!
(G-Lo, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 19:31, 6 replies)

On the bus
When I was about 3 (I don't remember this, but my dad insists on telling it frequently) we used to live in London. One day my dad took me to Oxleas Wood on the bus.

In those days I didn't always wipe my arse properly (come on, I was three) and as such used to get 'nappy-rash'. So there we are, sat on the top deck of a double-decker bus with a big rasta guy sat behind us, when I pipe up with:

"DADDY, I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO THE WOODS, MY BOTTOM HURTS!"

Everyone stared at him.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:23, Reply)

"Did you say Foxhunting?"
Back, early on when I was first dating Ms Weasel (who posts here under a different name) I delivered a totally accidental innuendo (through her mishearing).

We had met online, had had phone conversations but had never met in person. So the day to meet face to face came and we headed off to the Ritzy bar in Brixton.

It was September and the low Autumn sun was dazzling us through the high windows in the upstairs bar and I was messing around with the chairs in an attempt for us to be able to see each other and talk. I looked like a dick probably and she was saying *nothing* (for the first and last time).

I couldn't think of much to say either, so I was thinking "topical, topical, what's topical?" - then I hit on what I naively thought was neutral territory - bloodsports!

That same day outside my workplace the pro-bloodsports Countryside Alliance had been noisily demonstrating so I hit upon the idea of asking her what she thought about that.

"What do you think about foxhunting?" I asked (assuming this is a gimme).

She looked a bit startled, looked at her shoes, paused then said "Erm. It's not my favourite thing or anything....um...but it has been known..yeah, I do it."

I'm a bit shocked, there's previously been no mention of vulpine extermination in her social CV, no mention that at weekends she is one of the 'unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable'. So I paused, somewhat taken aback.

She paused too. Then said "Did you say Foxhunting?"

"Yes"

"Oh, I thought you said cocksucking".
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 23:03, 3 replies)

:)

(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:47, Reply)

Laughed himself hoarse
Exiled Youth's post made me remember a case which appeared in court locally, attended by a solicitor I know.

The accused was up for interfering with a farm animal, namely a horse. And by interfering, I mean, y'know, "fiddling".

He had admitted the charge, and the defence were trying to get him a lenient sentence, telling the court how he was a God-fearing lad who attended church, never done anything like this before, moment of madness, blah blah.

All well and good, until he mentioned that the man came "from a stable background".

Pfffft. Court dissolves laughing.

Conditional discharge. (Is that a STI?)
(Rsoles, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:25, 1 reply)

Not me but
When I was working at my last place a guy came in to pick up his newly castrated dog and uttered the immortal line..."I'm here to get lucky".
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:19, 10 replies)

My First Visit To The Doctor In Cologne
So, off I went to the Doctor to register. Bear in mind I had been resident in Germany for about a year and a half, and had been having language lessons.

"Herr Dix" says the Doctor, going through his little checklist, "Haben Sie Verkehr?" - He's just asked me "do you have traffic?"

Somewhat puzzled, I reply "Ja, Jeden Morgen mit dem Bus", only to have the doctor explode into hysterical laughter.

Not only does Verkehr mean traffic, it is short for geschlechtsverkehr - sexual traffic ie a sex life.

I had just told the Doctor that every morning I have sex with a bus.

Length? Well I burnt my balls on the exhaust pipe.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 14:27, 4 replies)

"I've never been so proud of my wife"
Mrs Spankengine and I have some very dear friends who are a gay couple.

One day over dinner the conversation drifts round to the whole 'opposites attract' issue. One illustration of this phenomenon is - according to Mrs Spankengine - her observation that in every happy couple there is always an organised and tidy one (her) and a more spontaneous, less organised one (me). It helps if one partner is more obsessed with tidiness than the other, right?

Nods of recognition all round from me and the gay chaps.

"So" she asks brightly. "Which one of you two is the anal one?".

I froze, nearly choked, excused myself, grabbed my Blackberry and emailed this delightful and innocent innuendo to everyone I could possibly find, using the same header as this post. Amazingly, nobody else at dinner had even registered this gem.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 23:07, 1 reply)

Shamelessly Stolen from anther site
My octogenarian mother loves to feed the birds - her garden is always full of bird food and has an unbelievable number of birds living there.

She particularly likes watching the blue tits attacking the balls of fat that you can buy and she hangs these immediately outside her kitchen window.

Whilst I visited her recently, she asked me if I would take her to the local farm supply shop so she could stock up on bird food. When we got there, the owner, probably 70 years old himself, was working behind the counter.

I gather up all the stuff she wanted but the balls of fat were nowhere to be seen. Nonplussed, Mother hobbles over to the counter (she walks with the aid of crutches) and says hello to the owner, who obviously knows her as she is a regular.

Then she drops her bombshell.

"Have you got Fat Balls?"

I stood behind her and bit my lip to stop from laughing. The poor owner could only clench his teeth to prevent doing the same - and waved his arm in the direction of where they were now sited. As I watched Mums neck I could see the colour slowly rising up and with remarkable speed she rushed off to the Fat Ball counter.

I laughed all the way home while she sat there muttering "I cant believe I said that".........
(conanow, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:21, 2 replies)

Chinese bakeries
A couple of years ago, I went on a business trip to Taiyuan, China, where I was hoping to secure a very lucrative deal with a company called Yuen Bakeries. Everything seemed to be going extremely well, until we were invited to inspect the impressive machinery. As I was leaning over to peer into one of their large mixing machines, I lost my balance and toppled right in.

No harm was done, as the machinery was switched off, but it was very embarrassing being an Occidental in Yuen dough.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 9:55, 7 replies)

You want to do WHAT??
Not so long back I was working on a production where the load-in had been crap, the venue was shit, we were under-staffed, it was turning into the job from Hell. We worked through the night and as the appointed show-time neared, everyone was mucking in, taping cables down and tidying up.

I was on hands and knees picking up rubbish and debris from the stage, dumping it into a large cardboard box, when the agitated client decided to show some solidarity and piled in with a dustpan and brush.

After a couple of minutes, she had filled the dustpan, and came over to where I was, head down and arse in the air :

"Can I put this in your dirtbox?" she trilled.

Bearing in mind we were literally minutes from the show call, and the client was extremely snooty, I bit my lip. Hard.

In slo-mo, I could see my boss' face pop up over her shoulder with a look of horror, he knew I wouldn't be able to resist that one. However, difficult though it was, I was in control, by a hair's breadth.

Then I heard from behind me a loud rasping from a colleague who had also realised the folly of laughing at the client, and was so clenched up he had farted.

The floodgates opened, both of us collapsed, and the boss had to whisk the bewildered client away. He told her we were delirious from lack of sleep!
(Rsoles, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:31, 4 replies)

Could someone get me a cushion?
In 1998 I was in a pretty bad car accident and, as some would say, I got mashed up pretty good.

After spending a couple of weeks enduring the hospitality of the National Health Service, I was nearly good as new. OK, I had a few stitches, walking was still a bit of a problem and I looked like I’d gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, but I was getting there. Add to that the fact that I was so pumped full of pain killers that I could have been hit by a bus and not felt it, and you kind of understand how I was feeling.

Two weeks further still, and I’m back at work. I’m still not in great shape, but getting by. Reaching up for wine glasses hurt, and pulling the real ale was a bit of a chore, but the punters are glad to see me back and I’m getting a lot of sympathy from the girls. Double trouble.

One night, I got chatting to a couple of the locals. I knew that they were lawyers, and they hadn’t seen me around for a while. When they found out that I’d been in this accident, they started advising me on what I should do.

Well, I say advising. They pretty well pushed me in to going down the compensation route. Please bear in mind that I was 18, desperate for cash, and the person who crashed in to us really was at fault.

And so began a long round of meetings with lawyers and applications for legal aid. Part of this process was meeting with a doctor. Very nice gent he was, quite old school: tweed jacket, pipe and monocle. The works. We spoke for about 2 hours, and he asked me various questions:

“Tell me about your injuries.”
“How do your injuries affect your ability to work or study?”
“Have you had any further pain?”

And:

“Have you experienced any pain in social situations?”

To this, I answered “well, sometimes when I’m out with my friends, at a club, say, my back can start to really hurt.”

Well over a year passes, and I get my grubby hands on a cheque for three grand. I also get a copy of the doctor’s report, which was made all the better by the immortal line:

“Sometimes experiences a little stiffness at the discotheque.”

Haven’t we all, doctor, haven’t we all...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:57, 2 replies)

Weddings
A mate sent me this today.

I would have posted it as a pic rather than a link but it's a bit big and I've not learned how to do that 'click to embiggen' thing in html yet.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:42, 5 replies)

This just came in my in box......
Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) Double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - ' And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing! '

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - ' Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him. '

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - ' This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother. '

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn ' t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew. '

5. US PGA Commentator - ' One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ...... Oh my god!! What have I just said?? '

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ' Time Team Live ' said: ' You ' d eat beaver if you could get it. '

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn ' t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ' So Bob, where ' s that eight inches you promised me last night? ' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday. '

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: ' There ' s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: ' Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis ' s misses every chance he gets. '

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1 ' s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ' They seem cold out there, they ' re rubbing each other and he ' s only come in his shorts. '

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ' Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself. '
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 15:25, 44 replies)

Would you like to see my pussy?
Slightly off topic, but look what I got yesterday:

Introducing Stealth


and Ninja


( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 17:21, 13 replies)

What a brill QOTW.
Childish and silly.

So am I, therefore I feel I should contribute.

These are all 100% true and if they were said to someone with a maturity level higher than mine, they'd would have prob been instantly forgotten.

Translations first, then the unfortunate innuendos that resulted in conversation.



1. Elizabeth has skills that are of great use to this company in the accounting department.

2. Mid-morning, my co-workers and I enjoy a healthy snack on site, sitting next to the large transistor.

3. I asked the motorist for a light for my cigarette. He didn't smoke and it was a new car so he didn't know if the lighter worked, he tried it and fortunately, it did!.

4. I'd be glad to show you around the theatre-land area of London in which I work.

5. Behave or I shall attack you with this corkscrew I am holding.

6. Due to the dimensions of this removal van, and the contents within, only one of us three chaps will be able to fit at the back of this washing machine and lift, giving the required leverage to move it.

7. Ladies are obviously attracted to the element of risk and excitement offered by a man who rides a motorcycle. I enjoy stolling about town with my protective clothing and headwear.

8. I displayed the symbol of our engagement to my proud parent. Unfortunately, it was too small for her.



OK, read them? Make sense? All innocent enough, right?

WHAT WAS ACTUALLY SAID:



1. "Liz is great at double entry"

2. "About 11am, me and the fellas sit around the Big Tranny and have a fruit break"

3. "I leant through his car window and when he sat back it popped out all red and hot."

4. "I'll take you up the Shaftesbury"
(Actually said by my brother, possibly intentionally)

5. "Stop it or I'll come over there and screw your brains out"
(Said by my maths teacher whilst holding a corkscrew, for some reason. Being quite attractive I just looked at her trying to do my best, suave Roger-Moore-like single raised eyebrow of promise in reply. Being a 14yr old gangly spacker, it didn't work.)

6. "I don't mind taking it from behind..."
(Nearly died. Fell in the road laughing and nearly had my head run over.)

7. "I love the image. All the girls check me out when I walk down the High Street wearing my leather and holding my helmet.

8. "My mum tried to get her finger in my ring, but it was too tight."



That'll do for now.
Ta.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 12:19, 6 replies)

Apparently they discover "a mysterious box"

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 12:32, 9 replies)

John goes to the off-license
No more of these - I promise!


Today, John is going to the village off-license because Janet has had 'one of those days' at work and has run out of cream sherry.

Janet gives John the money and tells him not to talk to any strange women.

See John skip down the road.

The off license is next door to the Hare and Hounds pub.

John is not allowed to go into the pub. Do you know what barred means? John does.

'Ring-ring' goes the shop bell.

See Mrs. Davies behind the counter. Mrs. Davies is from Wales. See the consonants.

Mrs. Davies is looking for something.

"Hello Mrs. Davies", says John.

"Hello John", says Mrs Davies.

"Have you lost something?", says John.

"Yes", says Mrs. Davies, "It's a piece from an old wooden chess-set. I can't find it anywhere, and it's an antique. I've been looking for weeks. Anyway, what would you like today John?"

John says, "I'd like a bottle of dry sherry please".

See John give Mrs. Davies the money, and put the change in his pocket.

"Thank you Mrs. Davies", says John.

See John start to skip home.

John has not gone far when he remember that he should have asked for cream sherry, not dry. Silly John.

See John run back to the off-license. "I'm sorry Mrs. Davies", says John, "I asked you for the wrong sherry. Could I have a bottle of cream sherry instead?"

"Of course", says Mrs. Davies. "Perhaps you can help me? Mrs. Bickerdyke told me that you are very good with your hands. Could you make me another chess piece? I would be ever so grateful".

See Mrs. Davies give John a chess-piece. "Yes", says John, "I can make one of these". John knows what a spokeshave is. Clever John.

John says, "I don't play chess much, but I do like a game of cards".

"So do I", says Mrs. Davies, "Next time you're passing, call in for a drink and a game of seven-card-stud in the lounge-bar".

"Goodbye Mrs. Davies", says John. "Goodbye John, and thank you", says Mrs. Davies. What fun!

John skips home to see Janet. Janet is waiting on the doorstep. See Janet take two or three big mouthfulls from the sherry. Thirsty Janet.

"Sorry I was so long", says John. "Mrs. Davies asked me to copy this pawn for her when she gave me some cream for the dry sack. Mrs. Bickerdyke told her that if she was short of a piece, that I had no trouble getting wood, and she said that next time I'm passing I should call in for a drink and Poker in the snug."

See sherry come out of Janet's nose.

Do you know how to pull someone through a letter-box by their beard?

Janet does. Poor John.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:53, 8 replies)

The other day
I was doing some gardening and I ended up
running over the debris from the recent re-carpetting of the living room, which had been put on the lawn. Because of the heat generated from the friction with said debris,
the blades had become very soft and flexible.

"Ah drat!" I cried
"What is it dear?" asked Wife
"Chopper's gone limp" I replied.
"Oh no!" She said "What happened?"
"Well I got it out but just ended up eating carpet!"

Well, off I popped to the DIY store to buy a new one.

"Hello!" chirped the sales assistant.
"Hello.... Connie" said I, spotting her name badge.
"That's Miss Lingus to you sir!" she said reproachfully.
"Terrible sorry. Could you direct me to the lawnmowers?"

Well, on the way to the lawnmowers I accidentally knocked into this burly chap. I apologised immediately of course.

"That's Dave," explained Miss Lingus "he's a member of our store rugby team."
"Hmm. A good strong member I daresay!"

We continued until arriving at the lawnmower aisle. It was here I noticed some shears.

"Ooh, these would be perfect!" I exclaimed.
"For what?" asked a, frankly belligerent, Connie.
"Why my wifes unruly bush of course! Just the other day I noticed a pair of pine martens making a nest in there!"

Having acquired a lawnmower, I became curious as to what other items I could purchase, so asked Connie to lead me to the bicycles.

There was arranged a beautiful shelf of bicycling paraphernalia, and I saw just the item I wanted. I reached out and picked it up.

"I'll buy this!" I said
"Should I polish it for you sir?" asked Connie
"Polish what?"
"Your bell of course sir! I'd very much like to polish your big purple bell!"
The colourful bicycle bell I'd picked up was indeed a bit grubby, and could perhaps do with a nice clean.
"Ooh yes please!" I shouted. "I only need a new one because a religious figurehead robbed my last one!"
"Indeed sir?"
"Ooh yes I punished him accordingly of course."
"How so sir?"
"Well I flogged the bishop you fool!" I yelled, cursing the child's ignorance."

I got to the checkout with my items and was very pleased with how the shop had gone.

"What brand of lawnmower is it, sir?" asked the knave at the counter.
"Erm, let me just put my glasses on," I said. "Ah here we are. It is a 'Tightly Puckered Anus 3000"
"Very good, sir."
(Tip-Top Tomcat but you can call me Tommo, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 23:41, 4 replies)

Innuendo at it's best...
Few years back my folks were helping me and mrs tinpixel decorate our new flat. My mum being my mum had brought a selection of about 300 meat sandwiches, so taking a lunch break we chatted about the new place.

Mrs tinpixel was busy moaning about the lack of blinds or drapes covering the huge living room window and how the neighbours can see in at night. As she spoke, the sandwich fell open and some of the meat went on the floor. Carrying on talking, she casually picked it up and threw it out the window... only it missed and stuck to the glass.

To which which my Dad pipes up...

"Oh my! What lovely beef curtains you have!"
(tinpixel, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:21, Reply)

PE teacher
There is a set up here, all true, which explaings the note...

When messing about with me sister, we decided to see how many stairs we could jump down. i regularly didn't use the bottom 4 stairs on the way down and decide that 6 steps (out of 13) was pretty decent. So did it a few times until i landed with al the skill of Les Dennis on the Games. Flat footed and really badly bruised both feet. i couldn't walk without walking on the bruises.

Come PE day, there was no way i could play rugby ( called that but really was lots of cross country running in the rain ).
At last, a legit reason for a note. Mum dutifully writes one and puts in an envelope.

I hand in the note. He moans and walks off and i set about the 1 hour 20 minutes of double PE and the skiving in the warm with applomb. About half hour in he comes over to me pissing himself laughing and asking if i was lying? I said no my feet really hurt. He then probed deeper, and enquired exactly how i did such damage to myself? i explained i jumped down the stairs, and he just said "well how the f*ck did you hurt your testicles then?"

I was confused. Really confused and started to get a bit scared. I stated again i jumped down the stairs and landed heavy.

I then thought to ask to see the note. Well done mum.

" Dear Mr Davies. Barry cannot do PE today as he has jumped down the stairs and hurt his balls and heels of his feet."

Mum 1, Grammar Fairies 0
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:28, 3 replies)

Bindun??
Makes a change from being hit by a train.


(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 9:34, 2 replies)

My old geography teacher..
Mr Sandercock.

An interesting name in itself became far more interesting when we realised his first name was Robert.

R Sandercock - it never got old.
(Brucey bow chika wa wow, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 0:42, 3 replies)

I mentioned this on /board the other day, strangely enough, so here goes again:
Many moons ago, my parents decided to get an extension built. Part of the process involved breaking up the existing patio. After all the work was completed, we were left with a nice pile of rubble.

My parents, being the ever efficient sorts, chose to advertse in the local paper that we had this rubble, and anyone wishing to use it as the basis of a foundation for a patio or something could take it away for free.

Fair enough, only it was left to my Mum to place that ad.

A few days later, she was explaing she was getting some VERY strange people calling up, asking for "what type was it, and what did it involve?". So, to follow this up, I asked exactly what she had put in the paper. It went something like this:

"I have a large amount of hardcore available for free if anyone has the ability to collect"

I laughed so much, and she was suitably embarressed after I explained what she had done.
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 16:11, Reply)