Bread
This may not work, due to the fact that he pronounced the word differently to how it should be...

My friends uncle enjoyed baking bread and one day half way through a loaf said "Maybe I should put get some cumin"

Oh how we chortled as only schoolboys know how!
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Tue 17 Jun 2008, 17:46, Reply)

Being a teenager.....
...long ago, I and all my mates used to perform pseudo-spoonerisms to a sentence to 'add inflection' and make it much more interesting than it was. An example of this would be 'Barbehoop queue of *much* bula-heef-ness'. Obviously, this translates to 'barbeque beef Hulahoops'. And before some spartypants informs me, I know it's not actually correct, it's just one of many things we said, as schoolpersons of limited wit. The formula for this hilarious twist of the great English language was 'something something of *much* something-ness'. No matter what, we could not stop ourselves saying it and it became part of out vocabulary.

Anyhoo, one particular evening while at a mates' place his parents (dad's a God-bothering minister, mum's a vicar's wife, picture it...) decided we all needed to play a board game. So out comes Cluedo.

If you can, imagine the silence that followed the announcement of 'Mrs Cock of *much* Pea-ness'.

No apology for length. Being a woman it was mostly on the inside, I'd guess.
(unknownstuntman, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 17:30, 1 reply)

Ages ago
when all the web was still fields. I went to a school. Aside from the core curriculum of woodwork and fighting we were expected to get an hour in the week to do stuff to a windows 98 computer*.

This involved six weeks of making buisness cards in Microsoft publisher**, The teacher being a willowy type wasn't exactly down with the kids.

She was asked to stop teaching that class after a collage of our work made it to the display case. 25 odd cards all for companies like "beaver cheese farms", "fudge packing.Ltd" and "golden showers fountain supplies"




*ie state of the art.
**not part of the standard office package for 10 years now
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 17:18, 1 reply)

I do, however,
deliberately take great pleasure in shouting "HOLD YOUR PLUMS!" whenever anyone is playing the bandit in my local pub.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 17:17, Reply)

I'm out of tales
but I remember my Dad telling me that once, when he worked in a hydraulic fitters, someone phoned up and the phone was answered by a workmate.

"Can I ask who's calling?" he enquired. Then "What? PFFFFFTTTTTTTT!" And burst into uncontrollable lols and put the phone down.

The person never phoned back and the guy never told my Dad what the hilarious name was though.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 17:11, Reply)

Risk
Playing Risk with some friends at one of their parents' holiday flat in Saundersfoot. They got back from their day out and the mother invited us to "Come and look at Uncle Stan's crabs."

Rest of day spent unable to look at each other without giggling.
(jvz, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 17:10, Reply)

I develop accounting software.
Fitting some of the reports on a single A4 page can be quite difficult, hence we sometimes have to shortern the field titles.

Hence why one of our software packages has been shipping for years with a report that says 'Anal Field 1'.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 17:04, 1 reply)

On the delightful tree-lined thoroughfare that is the Walworth Road
running from Elephant and Castle to Camberwell Green in SE London, there's a hat shop called "Rimworld". Makes me snigger.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 16:59, 4 replies)

What was the conference about?

"I'm at a conference today. The chief executive of the Public Health authority has just started her presentation by apologising to delegates for not standing as she fell off her bike last week and has a big gash at the top of her leg".
(jvz, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 16:41, 7 replies)

Oh! Just in time for qotw
This morning I was introduced to Andrew Spalding.

"Browser - Andrew Spalding".

I said "Really? You hide it well".

100% fact, 15% hilarious.

0% payrise.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 16:29, Reply)

In liverpool
we have this hairdressers next to James street station

www.flickr.com/photos/newfolder/2404839043/
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 16:12, 2 replies)

Not me but my Grandma...
My grandad being a typical Yorkshire fella has bred and raced Greyhounds from being 12 years old, as such my Grandparents generally go to watch them race quite a lot.

A few months ago, I was round at their house with a few other members of the family for tea and happened to ask my Grandma if she had anything planned for that evening, she answered quite innocently, "Oh nothing much, me and your Grandad are just going dogging."

Cue me rolling around on the floor laughing fit to burst while the rest of my family go bright red struggling with suppressed laughter.

Eventually my Uncle had to tell her what the meaning of "Dogging" was, bless her she didn't bat an eyelid and just answered "Oh we're not doing that, that's tomorrow night."

That stopped us from laughing immediately.
(Cow_Tipping_Samurai, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 16:00, Reply)

Perfect timing
I just got a new defendant. His last name is Bullock.

*chortles*
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 17 Jun 2008, 15:57, 5 replies)

Right 'andful!
Working outside a house in a part of town where the kids are arranged in blocks of 2.4 I was interrupted by two little 'angels' having a bit of a row over whos go it was on the trike. A stressed mum-type caught up with them and gave me a head-shaking 'Bleddy kids' kind of look, to which I replied "You've got your hands full with that pair!"

At this point, she looked at her cleavage, then gave me a stare that could melt air and crossed the road. Just about the same moment, it dawned that they weren't her kids. I then beat a hasty one. Retreat, that is.
(DownhillGardener no-one does it like that anymore, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 15:41, 1 reply)

Wrath of the IT Techy.
OK so a user is complaining that their PC is taking ages to log on and off.
I must refrain from telling them, that its because they have a huge profile. Especially if the user is a guy. It doesn't do well for the street cred... which is already shot being an IT Junkie.
(Miggyman, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 15:40, Reply)

Director does the hard work...
A while back, the company I work for had just won a highly sort-after contract. Our MD informed us all by e-mail that he "had to beat off over 50 competitors to secure the work!"

Now that’s commitment to the job!
(FerretTrout be illin', Tue 17 Jun 2008, 15:35, 1 reply)

Polish Misunderstanding
Many years ago I used to work in a hospital laboratory as a technician, we had links with hospitals in Eastern Europe specifically with Poland, so we used to get a supply of female young newly qualified techs who used to spend anything up to year improving their english and learning up to date lab practises.
Well one of my young charges developed a bit of a crush on a junior doctor I walked into our common room as she was discussing this some other colleagues (her grasp of english was good but slang and colloquial english just seemed to evade her) she was trying to say how this doctor affected her emotional state, all I heard was "he makes me go all you know" she was trying to say weak at the knees, old bigmouth trying to be helpful chips in with "I know exactly what you mean he makes you go wet between the legs".
The silence that ensued was tangible there were at least 30 women there and they were not amused I couldn't find a hole small enough to crawl into, nobody spoke to me for at least a week apart from my little Polish friend.
(raith50, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 15:22, Reply)

Double entendre rather than innuendo but . . .
My friends mother decided to go all Good Life and started breeding chickens. At his house, she decided to do an interweb search for a certain breed of cockerel, and typed "Black cock" into Google.

You don't expect to have to have safesearch activated for your mother.
(The Jules, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 15:22, Reply)

Not actually an innuendo, but a definite slip of the tongue that made me laugh*...
A while back I heard a story on the radio news about a young child who'd been killed by a dog outside its owner's house.

The reporter was explaining that someone else had walked past with his own dog recently and the killer dog had attacked his pet. Then came the line:

"He was very frightened and had to beat the dog off** with a dog... I'm sorry, with a stick"


*Yes, it was a story about a child being killed by a dog, and I laughed. I know.

**Okay, well I suppose that's a double-entendre, will that do?
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 15:12, 1 reply)

Scanners
Many moons ago (when hand held scanners were popular due to the more traditional ones being prohibitively expensive) I worked in a PC shop and was lucky enough to witness the following brief conversation between a customer and a colleague:

"I'm looking to buy a scanner for my computer"
"certainly sir, Would you like a flat bed or a hand job?"
(Maxheadroom999, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 14:55, Reply)

Meaty!
Local (to me anyway) lovely meat company


www.wellhungandtender.com/


They do lovely aberdeen angus burgers every month at the Farmer's market in Newcastle.

mmmm tasty!
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 14:54, Reply)

Gay clubs and their fags..
Passing by a gay club/bar at what must of been around midnight, me and a few merry friends walked through a large crowd of what must of been at least 20 smokers, and one of them accidently jabbed their cigarette end on to one of my female companions.

"OW!" she screamed. "I JUST GOT FAGGED!"

Thankfully all we recieved was many a dirty scowl and a sore stomach from laughing so loud once we'd reached safe distance.
(Brucey bow chika wa wow, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 14:50, Reply)

Not me but...
A mate of mine who has habit of getting back pissed on a night out and then ringing up his wife for some phone sex. I've been aural witness to this on one occasion and to be honest I just covered my ears and hummed Rule Britannia.

Anyway this tale relates to a skiing holiday where one of the party who was sharing a room with my mate was a newbie skier. After a night out on the tiles my mate and this other guy where in their room when matey boy goes off to the bathroom to ring his missus. Now he is partial to giving back door action (as she so sweetly puts it) and it all got a bit noisy, yes my mate was saying rather loudly "Oh yes, I'm in you now, let me ram it in you" and other phrases designed to bring himself off with his wife at the other end. The neighbouring room starting banging the wall but my mate carried on "Yes I'm right in your ass now, you know you love it" etc etc.

Anyway cue coming down to breakfast the following day and my mate is sat down next to the people in the room next to him who are already giving him weird looks. Down comes the novice skier room mate who is black and blue from his first days skiing. The neighbouring table left almost in unison as the breakfast room rang with the classic line "Oh mate my arse hurts like hell after yesterday"
(Outtheresomewhere, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 14:41, Reply)

Eating Out
A few years ago Mrs Law and myself were on holiday in Cornwall staying in Redruth. One Saturday we booked to eat at a place called Tricky Dickies, just outside Redruth.

We went in sat down browsed the menu, ordered our food. Food duly arrives, and there is no salt and pepper. I ask the young waitress "Where are the condiments?". The young waitress looks at me for a second and says as loud as you please "What condoms?". I replied "no, condiments salt and pepper" (emphasied with hand movements to illustrate the point).

The poor girl was going very red by this point before she practially ran off and hid behind the till. We had another waitress for the rest of the night, who did bring over the salt and pepper.

Pop goes the B3ta cherry, after lurking for many months.
(Marshall Law, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 14:32, 1 reply)

Its about your ac*unt
I took a call for the boss, from a popular electronics company.
So, I sent him an email asking, with a brief summary about what the call was about.
"its about your account"
I missed out the 'o' in account. (and a c)

dont feel guilty he was a complete and utter ccount.
(cymro, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 14:28, 1 reply)

My First Visit To The Doctor In Cologne
So, off I went to the Doctor to register. Bear in mind I had been resident in Germany for about a year and a half, and had been having language lessons.

"Herr Dix" says the Doctor, going through his little checklist, "Haben Sie Verkehr?" - He's just asked me "do you have traffic?"

Somewhat puzzled, I reply "Ja, Jeden Morgen mit dem Bus", only to have the doctor explode into hysterical laughter.

Not only does Verkehr mean traffic, it is short for geschlechtsverkehr - sexual traffic ie a sex life.

I had just told the Doctor that every morning I have sex with a bus.

Length? Well I burnt my balls on the exhaust pipe.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 14:27, 4 replies)

Or this true but often spoofed error:
(From Waybackmachine)

web.archive.org/web/20011116004812/http://www.powergenitalia.com/
(davywavy, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 14:17, Reply)

Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock's knobs and knockers link reminded me of this:
http://www.penisland.net/



NOTE: Not to be confused with penisland.com, especially if you're searching at work, like I was O_o

EDIT: I've been beaten to it by The Resident Loon, bah!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 14:11, 1 reply)

Norwegian language barrier
now, my wife can speak perfect Norwegian as her mother is a full viking whom came over 40 years back to be an au pair.

my wife managed to fluke a year in Norway as part of her degree - in Norwegian Studies.

The went to the gym in Bergen, and was using the machines when the exercise bike became free. One of the kind locals saw she was waiting (actually recovering from previous machine) and offered her the use of the bike. She replied, and made one simple mistake.

The word in norwegian is court. To roll the r makes it tired. She shouts back "I'm too tired to use that exercise bike, thanks though" (in Norwegian). The gym stopped and erections started to be rise and be hidden.

She left about 10 minutes later with a mixture of bizarre looks and nodding winks.

The 2 words accidentally muddled - "tired" and "horny". Yes, being too horny to use the exercise bike was not her finest hour.

Then again nor was sending a fax in an envelope in 1984.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:56, 2 replies)