This morning I called a friend a "Salmon-Coloured Whore"
Due to the fact that she was wearing a pink top.
(Lord Eggblast The cake is a lie, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:22, Reply)

Face like ....
A bucket of fire damaged lego.


Fear not, I'm here all week.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:21, Reply)

Spacker
I still use this one on my wife (who is Polish) and who she doesn't get it at all. She knows it's bad, however, after using in the office.
(frankspencer, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:20, Reply)

Insults, eh?
The following is the reason I am currently banned from another site. Parts in italics are the "person" to whom I was replying. To put it in context: the original argument was based on the accusation that I'm a snob, because I think the redefining of the word "pulp" to exclusively mean the "Nazi gorillas in zeppelins" subgenre, as opposed to the broad set of genres that actually appeared in the pulps before the Indiana Jones/Sky Captain mindset kicked in, is a bad idea and promotes ignorance of literary history.

Insulting me is like getting into a fist fight with the Incredible Hulk. Amazing that I only got a month's ban, really.

"Or, y'know, a rant. And passive-aggressive? Shit, that was a piss-poor rant, then. I was aiming for "aggressive-aggressive." Guess I'll need to work on that."

So you're admitting that your goal was to antagonise? Well done. I actually reported the original post for this very reason, and now you're admitting it. Several pages later, the mods have done nothing except ban me for a day for the terrible crime of responding in kind. Can we maybe introduce a new rule along the lines of "provoking people with passive-aggressive pussy-bitch-fucking-worthless-scumbag-language = bad"? Please? It seems like a no-brainer to me.

Sesame Street was brought to you today by the word "clusterfuck".

"hahahaha!! Man! You don't hold back, do you?

Jesus, what sort of insults you hold in reserve for people who, say, mug people, or sell drugs to children? I mean, if you're starting with "subhuman", you're not leaving yourself much room to grow in the insult department."

I consider everybody who snipes in a cowardly fashion from an anonymous position to be essentially the same person. Specifically, a fuckwad. It seems clear to me, and everybody else with a brain, that you are revelling in the fact that you are a heaving, sweaty, noxious cunt of a life form.

What kind of a prick chooses "shockvalue" as a username, anyway? Answer: your kind.

As far as I am concerned, a human being is capable of being polite under all circumstances until provoked, and does not antagonise strangers. That's what separates us from neanderthals. You belong in a museum. Unfortunately for you, all the museums I know have reasonable standards.

"BTW, I'm not reporting this, and I hope no one else does. Snakefeather and JDCorley were the ones unlucky enough to be in front of the gun when I finally snapped (though it's nothing personal against them - plenty of other people have done the "You're an idiot if you don't use the word 'pulp' in the correct way," dance in the past - it's the attitude, not the person, that annoys me). So I figure they're owed a shot."

I've thought long and hard about my response to this. In the end it boils down to the basic fact that clearly you revel in antagonism, and you believe on some level that language is somehow your bitch. The argument against rearranging English according to your ignorant misconceptions is one of those things that, if you don't get it right away, you never will. I'm sure you think you're the embodiment of the new way of thinking, and that you are inherently right because . . .

. . . you know what? I can't be bothered. It's the only game in town, and I ain't playing. If the mods are so dumb that they can't see through this "i is attacking tha arguemennt, not tha parson lol" shit, then . . . well, they already banned me instead of you, so yes, they are that dumb.

Good luck with your inferiority complex.

"But seriously, Snakefeather, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack if you can't learn to take an argument without getting so pissed off that you're calling people "subhuman" because of an internet rant. Go lay in a dandelion field for a while. Play with a dog.

You think that makes it okay?

Go.

Fuck.

Yourself.

I mean, that's already what you're doing, but I formally request that you should do so in a manner that is painful and humiliating, instead of the gentle public masturbation you're up to at the moment.

Seriously, you need to beat this over-entitlement thing. I'm with you here. Feel the burn, work through the pain. It's okay to cry.

"EDIT: Oops. Mods caught it anyway."

Yeah. They didn't manage to catch the fact that you started this thread purely to insult me and everybody else who disagrees with you though, did they?

Good work there, mods. As far as I can see, your backslapping bullshit is dominant around here. "shockvalue" (a euphemism for "pre-pubescent fuckwit") insults me, I report it, nothing happens. Somebody reports me, I get a ban for responding to what a retarded child could see is obvious provocation.

As far as I'm concerned, you're all a bunch of overentitled, self-obsessed, pseudo-intellectual shitnozzles. I've made friends on this site; they know who they are. If you think you qualify, you probably are (e-mail me and find out ;) ) Otherwise, have fun masturbating yourselves into a corner.

Sorry, but if I don't consider myself better than this full-scale cockathon, then I won't really be better than anything.
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:18, Reply)

her teeth were so bad she could eat corn on the cob through a tennis racquet
( pregnantfridge, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:17, Reply)

teeth
A bit of road rage happened and the guy said to me (When god gave you teeth, he ruined a damned good arsehole!)
(mr sheep is down stairs with empty maple syrup jar, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:17, Reply)

Poo bum...
I remember Poo bum being used at primary school loads.

I guess it means un-wiped arsehole. Nice. Or that your bum consists of two turds instead of bum cheeks.
(clareyclareyclare bum grapes!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:16, Reply)

Foreign Swearing
I used to work with a Swedish guy before he returned to home to chase blondes and pillage Norway or whatever it is that the Swedish do. While he was here though we got him to teach us the Swedish equivalents of some of our favorite insults:

jävla kuk näsa == Fucking cock nose
fittansikte == Cunt face
Flänsost == Cumcheese (although he made it clear this was different to knob cheese)
fittslick == Cunt licker

He did also say that they were literal translations and so if you ever had the opportunity to use them on natives, then they probably wouldn't understand. Ah well it's the thought that counts though.
(CopyConstructor, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:15, Reply)

Twas a more innocent time
Way back when I was in junior school, well over 20 years ago now, I was in the boy's toilet having a pee when an older boy came in and called me a "gaylord".

It is testimony to the innocence of the age (or maybe just the innocence of ME) that, rather than be offended, I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

I probably thought he was comparing me to a particularly happy member of the aristocracy.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:14, Reply)

Some familly friends adopted a Korean infant
One day years later, the adopted kid was having some words with a neighbor kid.

"Oh yeah?" the other kid yelled. "Well you're adopted!"

"WHO TOLD?!?" the Korean kid ran off in tears.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:12, Reply)

my little brother
When my little brother was about 5. If you pissed him off he'd "insult" you by turning round, pull his kegs down and pull open his shit filled arse crack for all to see! It was kinda like an Advanced Mooning!

Was soo funny. Now hes 22 and we still tease him about it to this day!
(Miggyman, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:09, Reply)

Kids in a playground
One kids yelled at another:

"Oh yeah? Well you're a viper because you put machines up your butt!"

I really need to get my hearing checked.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:08, Reply)

The B3ta Guide to sweary Insults Part 2
Now then kiddies, it appears that you're all doing very well in class today, so we can move on to 'advanced puerile insults'

Ratio is as follows:

[Any bodily function or discharge] + the word 'basket' or 'sausage' = funny

Also, insult 'comeback' comment ratio:

I may be a [insert insulting comment received here], but it didn't stop me watching your mum [insert incredibly filthy and degrading comment here] while your dad was shoe-horning the dog's cock into her ass'


...here endeth the lesson
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:07, Reply)

One from Harry Hill
I realised my sight was going so I went to get some glasses. Soon as I'd put them on the insults started. Specky! Four eyes! Joe 90!

To which I replied: "Your not the only optometrist around here you know"
(Falco, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:07, Reply)

At the Asda near my uni
I heard a young boy of about 5 cheerfully tell his mum to "go fuck a doughnut".
(Cyberpope Oh my god!! Somebody put shit in my pants!!!!!!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Well...
Just because you've got hair around your mouth it doesn't mean you should talk like a cunt!
(Spokes, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:06, Reply)

My all time favourite
From Moby Dick (the book):

"May the black vomit wrench thee."

[And does anyone have a copy of Macbeth to hand? There'a half-page of great insults in there that tops anything else written since.]
(frankspencer, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:01, Reply)

Mum insults normally dont arent very good
On a harley rally in 2006 my friends jay and eadie and jays mother were packing things out of the car while i over heard:
Jay: Eadie, you need a shave.
Eadie: your mum needs a shave!
Jay's mum: Gee thanks eadie
( Sheehan forevermore owes Ttssattsr beer, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:59, Reply)

(In a broad Yorkshire accent)
If wit were shit, tha'd be constipated.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:59, Reply)

Downer
After a particularly heavy night of drinking, I was told the next morning I looked like a down syndrome child who had been stung by wasps.

Nice
(Eeevil You are losers, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:56, Reply)

One of my maths teachers
described me one parent's evening as "So laid back he's practically horizontal."

It doesn't really count though, as rather than feel insulted by this, I was immensely proud.
(Uncle Comrade, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:54, Reply)

She (the ugly girl in question)
looked like a robber's dog.
(vibrating tuna, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:53, Reply)

Don't think it's been added yet.....
To a tall slim person, usually male;

Get to fuck, you lanky streak of piss!
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:52, Reply)

Student friend of mine
once pulled a lady who was game for a bit of leg-over, but was a bit crap and had no rhythm whatsoever.

He said it was 'like having a wank with my left hand'
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:51, Reply)

to a lazy person
get off your fat arse, your slacker than your mums diseased cunt, you spasticated nunfrotting shitbucket
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:50, Reply)

You...
...fuck-knuckle.

Alliteration always wins out in any circumstance.
( collapsibletank procreates, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:49, Reply)

My boss
T'was my turn to make the brews in our office.

Upon forgetting to put sugar in my bosses tea, he branded me an 'absolute prostitute'
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:49, Reply)

Heard in a Steven Seagall film
"I'm gonna whup you like a red-headed stepchild."
(frankspencer, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:47, Reply)

You filthy ensign...
A few years back at school one there was one insult that spread like wildfire. Referencing a character on The Bill who was gay, we would address one another as "Sgt. Gilmore". Over time, as we forgot all about said character and show, this mutated into "Sgt. Dickface", which I still use to this day.
(Gammon Rod A not-so-distant relative of the Crimson Helm, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:46, Reply)

QOTW
Best insult I heard recently was i think on here - "I'd rather wank with a fistful of angry bees"
Classy.

Overheard at a sporting event in the summer - fuck off you arsebadger.
(skipping merrily in the meadows, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:44, Reply)