Tit for Tat
I thought was a prostitute at a scrapyard!
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:55, Reply)

Match jokes!
"My ass and your face!" (The classic I used)

"My farts and your breath!"

"My shit and your brains!"

"My dog and your mom!"

And so on... the list is endless.

Related: "If my dog had your face I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!"
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:55, Reply)

insult for work
I thought I'd made it idiot proof but it seems they've just built a better idiot.
works every time.
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:54, Reply)

My mate didn't like it
When I told him I thought his ex girlfriend "looked like a funhouse mirror".

She did though, and she was moomin faced.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:53, Reply)

Passed down from generations.....
"You mothers cunt fuck-dog"....

No comment on length today =)
(Margaret Thatchers Right Gonad Is up inside ya, finding an entrance where He can!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:53, Reply)

from curb
cunt carwash
( toadfish, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:52, Reply)

birth
you're so ugly when you were born the doctor punched your mum

when you were born the doctor pulled out the afterbirth and shouted "twins"!

were you dropped as a baby? well you fucking should have been
( gravytrain, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:52, Reply)

Resident Loon
very nice

I cooked up my own one of those some years ago, and haven't heard it from anyone else

someone: got a match?
me: yeah, your mum and my bike
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:51, Reply)

She's so ugly
I wouldn't wank in my hand and throw it at her
(FiftyFour, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:50, Reply)

Haven't seen it so far (so sorry if it's a repeat)
Cumbucket.
(cannonfodder fodder for cannons on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:50, Reply)

You're not even interesting enough to make me sick
really
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:48, Reply)

more from me
where I grew up "your mothers so stupid she couldn't get a job in Sony"
walking in to a strange pub "fuck me someone's opened up a big bag of uglies in here"
"face like a bulldog eating piss covered wasps"
I once had the wrath of an RSM who abused every single man in a company of 78 with out repeating himself. Genius. My favourite was "are you sure your mother hasn't spent 19 years breast feeding the afterbirth"
"I've seen better looking things being cut off my bollocks"
"you got a face like Hitlers gas bill"
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:48, Reply)

A classic...
Sometimes the oldest insults, the ones everyone knows, really do end up working the best.

I was in college at the time at a forestry school in the northern Adirondack Mountains. As part of one of the classes, we were assisting in building a ropes course- one of those things that they send management teams through to foster team building and all that shit, with the trapeze and the zip line and all that stuff- and we were trying to build it out of tamarack and other rot-resistant woods. Since the college owns thousands of acres of woodlands, they had no shortage of raw materials, and with hundreds of forestry students they had no shortage of manpower.

The only problem is that tamarack- also known as larch- is a swamp tree, which means that once you cut the log down there was no way to bring a machine in there to drag it out because it would just sink into the mire. We also had draft horses, but even they couldn't drag it out.

You see where this is going, don't you?

Twenty one students and a teacher were sent out with hand loggers to retrieve a forty foot log from the swamp. To give you an idea of what a hand logger is:



Take this peavy pole, take the end hook off of it, and stick two of them together, end to end. You now have a long handle with two hooks in the middle. Put this on the log, kick the hooks into the bark, and two people lift on the handle.

So we got out there with a load of these damn things and carry them into the swamp on a very cool fall morning. We went trudging through the muck to the log, which had already been dropped and the branches cut off, and started putting the hand loggers on this thing to carry it out. As we did so, the teacher- a very large, burly woman named Cathy- noticed one of the guys standing to one side with a hand logger, looking confused. She barked at him, "Where's your partner?"

"I don't know..."

Cathy looked around with a murderous gleam in her eye and sized us all up, then roared, "POLLY!"

One of the few girls in the class reluctantly stepped out from behind a tree.

"Polly, get over here!"

"But I hurt my back playing soccer!" Polly whined.

"Well my back hurts too, but I'm here, aren't I? Get over here!"

"But my back really hurts!"

Cathy gave up in disgust, and we all picked up the log and began carrying it out to the road. One guy went up to his knee in a mud hole, all of us sunk in to our ankles, and it was not a very pleasant little task. We muscled it out of the swamp and up the embankment to the road, and were carrying it along the road to a spot where a truck could get to it, when Polly appeared alongside us with a cigarette in hand. "Hey, does anyone have a match?"

Yes, I gave the proper response. Loudly. At the top of my lungs, in fact.

Cathy was the first one to crack up, but only by a tenth of a second. The log crashed to the ground, everyone stood with their hands on their knees and tears of laughter rolling down their faces, and Polly chased me back into the swamp for a couple of minutes before I outmaneuvered her by hiding behind Cathy.

People were congratulating me on that all over campus for weeks.

(I feel compelled to add here that this story is not made up, exaggerated or otherwise distorted in the slightest. It really did happen that way, and those really were their names. So if you're reading this, Polly- well, you're famous now! Enjoy!)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:47, Reply)

UKAC
I always heard that used as a jeer for poor athletic officiating:

i.e. "SILVA! (an MISL Soccer referee) YOUR UGLY, YOUR BREATH STINKS AND YOUR MOTHER DRESSES YOU FUNNY!"

An absolute classic!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:46, Reply)

angrymanzman
It was written after James' accession (though I forget the date).

Oh, and while I'm here: yo' mamma so fat, if she jumped into the air, she'd get stuck.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:45, Reply)

My buddy and his nephew 'S'
were looking at a WWF messageboard years ago. S was 10 at the time and crazy about WWF. However this particular messageboard was more about guys getting physical in other ways. S didn't like that one bit, and when my buddy turned away from the computer S got on the keyboard and joined in the chat. Buddy comes back quickly... "What are you typing?"... so S shows him:
"YOU GAYHOLES"
( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:44, Reply)

UKAC
Not if it's true there isn't.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:44, Reply)

You smell, you have no friends and your mum dresses you funny.
I was recently called a "Horseraping thundercunt" by a workmate, there is no reply to that one.
( UKAC let me sniff your diff, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:44, Reply)

angrymanxman
I think it was Full Metal Jacket.

Drill Instructor to Gomer Pile:

Did your Ma cry when you were born?

The best part of you slid down the crack in yo momma's ass and ended up as a stain on the mattress.

Or somesuch motivational hymn.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:43, Reply)

one i heard
whilst being in sixth form a fewyears ago, whilst walking past a little year nine (about 13 i think)
"yeah well you have the intellect of a spanish peanut"

my mate also was a bit crap at insults so her usual responce was:
"shut up you big.....Face"
(bryony*niamh kneecaps exist to be hit with clawhammers., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:43, Reply)

The last sentence of this heated diatribe.
www.b3ta.com/talk/1899981
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:42, Reply)

I was going to describe my postman
As an idol shitcunt. But for some reason I can't seem to find him.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:41, Reply)

My friend
described the sight of a rather portly female member of staff in her lycra cycling shorts as "like walking behind a bin bag full of yoghurt."

I laughed for an entire lunch hour over that one.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:40, Reply)

Everyone's got a right to be ugly...
But YOU are taking liberties.
( IHaveABadFeelingAboutThis most likely working from home on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Enzyme
You 'cursed moon-calf!

I forget when King Lear was written, but if it was after the accession to the throne of King James then that would make sense - playing, watching or being involved with football in any way, shape or form was illegal (and technically still is). As is making mince pies during advent.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Chinese insults are the best
A very inventive lot.

My favourites translate as:

'Your mother sells salty eggs'
and the withering
'fall down in the street'
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:38, Reply)

Shakespeare
One of my favourite Shakespearean insults is from Henry IV part 2, Act 2, scene 2:

BARDOPLH: Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away!

And in King Lear, "footballer" is used as an insult.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:38, Reply)

DaveStickyGlew
It's not racism if they really are Arabs though.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:37, Reply)

angrymanxman
that's a relief because the only one I have left is

yo momma's so fat her ass has it's own postcode
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 15:36, Reply)