I was called a guy
Nobslapper McGurnaghan. Fuck knows where that came from.
(rosstheboss, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:38, Reply)

doon
One boy in my class last year.... a london lad, he would constantly say "What are you doing!" As the word 'doing' from his accent sounds like doon it went to "What you doon!" to just plain "Doon!" now most people just shout DOON! in his face, now most of our year uses it to greet each other etc. One guy now uses it in an insult called 'DOONHEAD' meaning anything you want it to :D
(neorockz :), Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:36, Reply)

slut chav
went to see some chavs sitting on a wall, after they had been throwing stones at cars.
told them in no uncertain terms that i was gonna rip their fuckin heads off if they didnt clear off.
then the 15 yr old slut chav bitch said to me "im gonna get my social worker onto you"

i couldnt stop laughing for 2 days!
(brussellsprout Im a fucking genius. official., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:33, Reply)

A quote from the mighty J Nash:
"You HATEFUL SHORT-SIGHTED SELF-DESTRUCTIVE SPREADSHEET-SPINED FRIENDLESS LOVELESS JOYLESS TOYLESS FUN-DESPISING PLAYER-RESENTING GREED-FOR-GREEDY PROFIT-NEEDY FAT GNAT-MINDED POPE-APPALLING FACE-STAMPING YAWPING GUFFAWING AMATEUR MOUNTEBANK SHAB-PEDDLING RUBBMONGER CHEAPSKATE LOW-RATE COMMON-OR-GARDEN-GATE SHORT-CHANGING SCALES-THUMBERY MONOPOLISTIC FLUMMERY PUPPY-KICKING CLUE-LACKING GIST-MISSING POINT-PUNCTURING CLUNKING DISGRACING LUNK-SHAMING TALENT-SPITTING CHILD-SCARRING MEWLING INCONTINENT STOAT-KITS."


I quite like that one.
( Angry Boss Bee I love horses, death to other animals, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:32, Reply)

Excuse my Welsh
A friend assures me that "bwch'r bant" in Welsh means "fuck off in the manner of a goat".

Or rather, it means fuck-in-the-manner-of-a-goat off. There is, apparently, a word for "to fuck in the manner of a goat".
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:31, Reply)

SKUTTER!!!!!!....
....I think this is the most skanky, nasty name to call a woman. It conjures up a sorry vision of the female form. I am proud to say my Dad always used t use this word before Frank Gallagher of Shameless popularised it.
(Sorry if this has already been posted but sadly have not time at work to check thru the other 21 pages. Bastard eh?!)
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:28, Reply)

Spontaneous filth
I just got a funny look for using the spontaneous insult:
"cock-badgering ICANN bastards"
(icann being the idiots who seem to have made up a new rule saying you can't have a two-letter domain name).

My mate had time to think about it a bit and came up with "icant more like!" (Oh, the eloquence)



Length? 7 characters if I could have [email protected] as my email address, but no!
(DrBurkstrom, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Vanessa Feltz
was once described to me as "a face like a melted owl".

Having seen her up close on more than one occasion, it is so, so true.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:19, Reply)

Another one-liner
A few years ago myself and a mate were seeing who could come up with the most gratuitously sweary insult possible, and I came up with "Go and fuck some shit up your twat, you big fat cunty bollock full of fuck".

Classy I think you'll agree.
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:18, Reply)

Gwar
says it all about those with a certain shade of hair!

www.arrse.co.uk/wiki/Gwar
(Biff..., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:18, Reply)

oh my
Sorry if repeated, but following on from earlier Joey Deacon stories, the Spastic Society had to change its name after every schoolboy in the land ran around shouting"mmmuuuuuuuuuh Joey, you spastic!!" after his Blue Peter appearance.

They changed the name from Spastic Society to Scope. so of course we shout out "Scopey" now!

To make sure I burn in hell, call someone a shoulderbiter. Go on, try and bite your shoulder. now you know why its an insult

(edit: got a wonderful image of hundreds of people in offices around the world trying to do this now, glees!!)

I love windowlickers as well, and a rider on the sunshine bus.

Clownshoe is also a perfect non-offensive abusive term that can be used wonderfully well at work, when someone does something very stupid we ask if they are wearing the clownshoes today.

All time favourites?

You cunting fuckmonkey!
stick it up your shitepipe!
you have the biggest dick ever shame its on your forehead!
Also a put down to an ugly woman who's coming on to you. I wouldn't rape your still warm corpse!

etc etc etc

Word of the millenium? Bollocks (for anyone who went to Saffron Walden County High School 1986-1991)
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:11, Reply)

Spoon Bender
That is all
(Eli-T, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:11, Reply)

Septic Tank Fellas Shouldn't Take on Airs
In a local cottage area (this is Canada) there was a family that owned most of the land, businesses, and so on - including the septic tank service.
A bunch of youts were out drinking beer in the bush and ran into one of the Family. It turned into a heated discussion, when the angry country gentleman spat out, "Do you know who I am?" He had not foreseen the response:

"Sure. You're the guy who sucks the shit out of our tanks."

Touché.
(TommyShanks, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:09, Reply)

Remedial.
Simple and cutting.
(and now for someone completely different, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 15:04, Reply)

Nice insult
About a year ago whilst strolling up Tottenham Ct Rd with some mates, a well dressed businessman type walked into me, turned around and called me a "slut-whore".
Considering I'm a 6'2 skinhead with lot of tattoos and no front teeth....
Thanks for the new nickname chum.
(davric, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:59, Reply)

Nerd insult
One I shall always remember just for its pure nerd level...

I was working at a small software development company at the time. The managing director had been chasing around to get the software ready in his usual 'I will promise more functionality if our current unrealistic timescales cant be met' approach.

The old man of the team is sat at his desk getting more irate at the code and the constant harrassment when the 'illustrious leader' walks up to him for about the tenth time that very long day..

MD: Is that fucking program ready yet?
Dev: Not yet, still working on it.
MD: Get it fucking sorted out..
Dev: Just got a problem with this bit of code..
MD: What the fuck do I pay you for! What bit of code!
Dev: Do, FUCK OFF, Repeat until, understood.

The laughter from the rest of us chased our not so happy leader from the room...

Cherry popped, back to the lurking...
(WhyOhWhy, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:57, Reply)

cocksmoker
always make me laugh. i think it's the image of someone smoking a cock like a big cigar. not lit, by the way. i'm not that sick.

also, we always abbreviated it to 'smoker for short. made me snigger childishly when the managing partner would talk about "all the smokers outside the building" or "i forgot he was such a smoker"...

little things! erm, the childish insults, not the cocks.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:54, Reply)

morrybyte
I had a friend at school who, by dint of a pun on his surname, was known to all - staff included - as "Anus".

He didn't object.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:52, Reply)

Twatwaffle.
N'Sync reject.
Complete and utter Klystra nozzle.
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:51, Reply)

best insult to a woman
dont flatter yourself love


they REALLY hate that
(chimpo2k, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:49, Reply)

Other German Insults
"Ins Gesicht mit Arsch zu springen" - lit To jump in your face with my arse.

No, nothing to do with athletically administering a Dutch oven, it means to be rude to someone - like a slap in the face.

A friend of mine thought it was an invitation.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:48, Reply)

Just happened a few minutes ago...
...the manager of our help desk approached myself and my colleague.

Manager: Do you guys give access to the ABC system?

Me: Yes we do.

Manager: Ah right. Great. So do you guys have a form or whatever that the user has to fill in?

Me: Yes we do.

Manager: Great. So really that form should come through to the help desk when you've granted the access, shouldn't it?

Me: It does. We put it in the in-tray in your department, just in front of your desk.

Manager: Oh, do you?

Me: Yes we do.

Manager: Oh...OK.

Me: Now is there any more of your department's procedures that you'd like me to explain to you?

To be fair to him, he did laugh at this point!
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:46, Reply)

After receiving a blowjob
it is possible to leave your conquest with

"a face like a plasterer's radio"

especially if the payload is formidable and the aim is true...
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:45, Reply)

Delivery
In my previous job we got a pre approved loan circular returned to us with the words

'Fuck you you fuckpigs' written across it.

They had included a rather graphic MSPaint picture of a man in a suit fucking a pig.

Not the first thing that would have come to my mind, but points for originality.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:44, Reply)

Another favourite
Find it difficult to say Buttmunch without cracking up.

Also, is it just me, or do all the people bigging themselves up as the best at slanging matches sound like they've rehearsed all their material that they've plagiarised from their favourite comedy show?
(ape_hots, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:41, Reply)

german insult of the day:
Arschgeige. it literally translates as arse-violin. short, sweet and utterly baffling.
(chesty, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:40, Reply)

my ladyfriend's a scotcher
so i often call her a 'wee coo'
(chimpo2k, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:40, Reply)

working on a summer camp for little Ghanaians (in Ghana)
the kids came up with some real jems. All between 4 and 8 years old. Two particular favourites are (insert west african accent for effect):
"You have a head like a coconut" and "Sir! Sir! He told me I was a goat walking in the gutter!"

bearing in mind they have the most rancid, rotten open sewer gutters there I can imagine why that would be quite offensive!

Also, when I enquired upon where his invitation to an event was, one kid replied "I 'ave poot eet on my ah-noose. i nearly died!

I also like using anus as a swearword in the same way as shit and damn rather than an insult.
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:40, Reply)

.....
shortly after my boyfriend and i first got together, and the insults were still of the friendly punch-on-the-arm 'oh you're cute when you're angry" variety, he went too far and called me the first thing that popped into his head

"you.... fucking... LAZENBY"
"what? George Lazenby? you just called me....!? what the fuck?"

sure, george lazenby was Bond, but people don't really remember him for much more than being not as good as Sean Connery. what kind of a twisted mind uses that as an insult? the actor that had to follow Connery as Bond, and was vaguely disappointing.

shit.
(missmissy, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:37, Reply)

Shit warbler
Eurgh
(sicone, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:33, Reply)