I suppose it's a gay insult
So appologies to those that are (and I'm sure they could turn it around to their mates)
But a friend of mine had the knack of ending any sentence that came from some dullard with a deadpan
"therefore... you are gay" which left them speachless so it worked rather well ;)
( sPUNKer do your pictures for nothing get abuse for free, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:27, Reply)

when I was a school
one of the kids left to go to a school on the other side of town (can't remember the reason now) and when one of the teachers found out, he said, "well, that should raise the average IQ of both institutions".
(Calamity wetter than a fish's wet bits - bloody rain on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:22, Reply)

Going to gay-insults...
A personal favourite... 'shitstabber'
(Margaret Thatchers Right Gonad Is up inside ya, finding an entrance where He can!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:13, Reply)

Ode to simple
"You should have been a handjob."
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:10, Reply)

random
shit for brains , the load ya mom should have swollowed,Jesus christ not him again,
(clint eastwood film - Cluster fuck) plasenta breathe knobjocky butmuncher
(mr sheep is down stairs with empty maple syrup jar, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:07, Reply)

My four year old son...
... can knock me over with a simple "You're not my best friend anymore!"
(dkintheuk, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:05, Reply)

harsh
While wearing an admittedly horrendous red shirt i was labelled a 'walking miscarriage' by a random passerby. :(
( Regger, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:03, Reply)

A face like a
colander.
(brussellsprout Im a fucking genius. official., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 22:56, Reply)

A face
like a rucksack full of broken chisels
(Calamity wetter than a fish's wet bits - bloody rain on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 22:47, Reply)

Oh yer, and this is cheating...
...but Ron Burgundy's "Go back to your home on Whore Island" has got to be the best insult heard in cinema EVER.
(jaymierobber, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 22:43, Reply)

it's the ones you wish you could un-say...
This one is unfortunately from me. I'd gone off last winter with my girlfriend who'd been the love of my life only to find out she didn't want that to continue. Me acting like a twunt for the next three months ensued, but the high/low point came about three weeks after we'd split up: I'm in my bedroom having a kip after a long changover day waiting for the new guests to arrive, and we find out the flight is delayed by three hours so the guests won't be here till 11pm. The sauna is next door to my bedroom and ex-girl decided that it would be fun to have a sauna with a few other of our workmates, so theres a couple of naked boys and girls in the sauna next door giggling and me wallowing in my misery in my room. The shower that I have to use in the sauna room and the chalet I work in is ten minutes up the road. I could have had a shower there but no, I decide to be a pig-headed bastard and tell her to get out so I can have a shower. So I said back to her:

"Well it's not like I want to see you naked again until you've done a few sit ups"

which was about as vicious an insult as I could come up with, being particularly mean as she didn't have a fat belly, but was selfconscious that she didn't have a flat stomach (the rest of her being particularly nicely toned). And it's not like I'm a chiselled adonis of a man myself!

her response to me was, not surprisingly, not to want to talk to me ever again. Can't say I particularly blame her really!

Apologies for deviation. And deviancy, but that's another story entirely.
(Calamity wetter than a fish's wet bits - bloody rain on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 22:43, Reply)

Da insult
Dolt! Savour the word, it's like a slap in the face. You DOLT!

Another favourite in the pub was to stare markedly at the ceiling above some idiot, and when they noticed and asked what was up you reply "who the fuck is working you?"
(The Axeman, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 22:42, Reply)

Easy this....
About seven years ago, I once heard my mate call another mate a "...Stuttering Hunchback..." to which all; myself, the insulter and insultee all fell over laughing our tits off.

I'm still looking for that perfect moment where I can use it again, but alas, it's never come about yet...
(jaymierobber, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 22:41, Reply)

Florida redneck sayin'
I learned these from a good old boy at work.

"If I wanted shit outa you, boy, I'd crack your head open and dip it out."

and

"If your brain was cotton there wouldn't be enough for a tampon for a redbug."

Redbugs are real tiny. Y'all Europeans wouldn't know that, though, 'cause I hear y'all ain't got no bugs over there except lice.
(wkiernan, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 22:12, Reply)

I was in Finland for a while
and remember my Finnish mates at the bar creased up laughing around a beamingly proud Danish guy, who'd just described the girl I was dancing with as
"a second-hand port whore."

Apparently the original Danish is far filthier.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 22:10, Reply)

mm
"mouth breather" remains a favourite
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 22:04, Reply)

My friend told me this one:
"Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night. Feel bad."
( xihpete A neutrino walks straight through a bar, with v>c., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:57, Reply)

Saw this on some crazy workplace gag-a-day thing.
I don't give a shit, but trust me, if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
( xihpete A neutrino walks straight through a bar, with v>c., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:54, Reply)

QOTW
"If you were on fire, i wouldnt piss on you to put you out"
(Pimp my Clown is going back to the future on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:52, Reply)

I regretted this one as soon as a said it...
My mate was faffing around when one of my father's more colourful and graphic turns of phrase flew out before I had time to stop it.

'Will you pack it in? You're like a fanny in a trance!'

It didn't work cos she just pissed herself laughing.
(Medibot, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:48, Reply)

A: "You're gay!"
B: "Yes, I know."
A: "Well... then... you're straight!
B: *cries*
( xihpete A neutrino walks straight through a bar, with v>c., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:47, Reply)

Heard this shouted many a time
When Pink Goddess and her sister are parting, they often say "See you next Tuesday". Or possibly "C U Next Tuesday".

Think initial letters, people.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:44, Reply)

I have a six year old son...
... and I know when I have really upset him because he calls me "Wankerchief"
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:42, Reply)

Hmm
Personal fave:

You're a cum stain on the blanket of human kind.
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:39, Reply)

Consultancy Dirty Secret
If it looked like we were going to deliver something late, we'd just change the project plan so that it looked like it had been delivered on time.

Oh.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:33, Reply)

It cuts like a knife
Being called a "Big Fat Smelly Ketchup Burger". :(
(Uhmfhshhghd, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:32, Reply)

But we're blissfully happy, really...
Myself and Pink Goddess sometimes have a small disagreementette...

The last one started with her calling me 'cockhead'. I replied with 'flangeface'. She called me 'knob jockey', to which I retorted 'minge ferret'. She glared at me, and prepared to answer... but then I giggled.

Can't remember what we were arguing about, but it was probably something silly.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:30, Reply)

For a second, it was *great*
During an earnest disagreement with my brother, on an evening out where I was drinking and he was driving, I was sure I'd scored a knockout blow. Tragically not, as I shall now reveal:

Bro: (Some kind of clever, cutting remark, that really put me in my place).
Me: Er, well, er, your mother's got a penis!

My brother looked pityingly at me and pointed out that, as brothers, we have the same mother, and that therefore that remark applied as much to me as it did to him.

It felt *great* for one sweet moment. Oh well.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:27, Reply)

I'm very fond of calling people
a waste of spunk.
(Hoopla, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:26, Reply)

I swear it's true...
Once upon a time, I arrived at my then employer's Manchester office. As I walked through the door, I overheard a fellow employee who I shall refer to as 'stet', for those are his initials, on the phone. He said something along the lines of "Well, if you won't do your job, you useless fat cow, I'll find someone who will!". He then hurled the phone down.

I was somewhat taken aback. I mean, I knew this person, and I knew that he was a most unpleasant person, but this was the first time I'd heard this.

I settled myself at another desk, a safe distance away, and started setting up my laptop. Just then, my personal mobile rang, showing my brother's number. I answered it, puzzled.

"Do you know someone called stet?" my bro asked.

"I do," I replied. "He has long amazed me, in that I had no idea shit stacked so high. As far as I know, his talents have no beginning, and he exists solely to piss people off, and act as a warning to the others. Were I to find him on fire, I would not stoop to piss on him. Why do you ask?"

My brother asked me to say that again. So I did, perhaps adding some more insults along the way. When I wound down, a woman thanked me politely.

"Who are you?" I said, confused. It turned out that she'd been the person on the other end of the conversation that I'd overheard. She couldn't believe it, and neither could I.

In the end, I apologised on behalf of the company, and suggested she put in a formal complaint. She did.

Three days later, we had a company email to the effect that we no longer dealt with that company. Oops. I did that. Oh well.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 21:20, Reply)