Doh...
I once found a £20 quid note on the floor of a bar next to my feet...in my glee i treated everyone to a round of lovely cocktails. Only when i got home did i find that i had lost £20 out of my wallet...dammit.
(Smartie, Wed 8 Dec 2004, 12:58, Reply)

sainsburys
remember that moment of panic as a small child when you are wandering frantically around some giant sized supermarket looking for your parent/s, who seem to have disappeared somewhere between the milk and the cheese?

my friend's dad will go straight to the cashier and get them to announce over the tannoy: "Will Julia McKenzie come to Customer Services where her father is waiting for her".
so everyone stands there waiting kindly for some tearstained toddler to stagger up.



she's 28.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 8 Dec 2004, 7:55, Reply)

Underwear
I take great pride in my ability to properly use a urinal, as not many of my fellow girls know how to do this (yes, it is anatomically possible for us to stand back and use a urinal like a guy instead of hovering over it and spattering like a UFO from the planet wee-wee... it just requires not being afraid of handling yourself).

In areas where I am unlikely to be caught, I will sometimes go into the mens' restroom and use the urinals there, as the womens' restrooms seldom have them. I have to be very careful doing this, as I am rather feminine, and even a highly drunk person would have trouble mistaking me for a guy.

When I was first learning to use a urinal, I had to completely remove my underpants (I later learned to work around this). Because I tend to wear skirts, which have no pockets, it appeared that the most convenient place for temporary underpants storage was my head, since as a urinal-using beginner I needed both hands free.

Naturally, when in the mens' restroom, I tended to hurry, as being caught in the mens' restroom with my underwear on my head and my skirt hitched up using the urinal was not something I aspired to.

One day, my mom and I were at a restaurant meeting a friend of hers from out-of-state. The restaurant was fairly uncrowded, so I decided it was a good day to practice using a urinal. Of course, that day was the ONE DAY when my underwear had to fall off my head... and into the urinal. I decided that the urinal cookie probably wasn't making things clean enough, and abandoned my underwear (I have to wonder about their eventual fate... what is restaurant policy on panties left in a urinal?).

For the rest of the visit, I was fairly squirmy. My mom finally asked me what was wrong, to which I answered "It's that time of the month and I've lost my undies." Needless to say, the visit ended shortly afterward. My mom is wonderful... she didn't even ask how I managed to lose my underwear in a restaurant.
( jujuzarf, Tue 7 Dec 2004, 10:17, Reply)

I lost where I was
I went out for a walk to take some photographs down at the canal about 2 miles from my house.

I followed the usual path I'd take when I spotted a footpath sign that pointed towards the canal.

Being intrigued I decided to follow it thinking it may get me to my destination that little bit quicker.

Oh how wrong I was.

In my best shoes (OK, so I only have 3 pairs, but they were still the best of the 3), I found myself walking down the shittiest, muddiest path you have ever seen.

I managed to only get caked in mud up to just past my ankles, when I saw a fallen metal fence that may help me cross some of the mud without getting stuck in it up to my knees.

I put one foot on it. It started to move. Rather rapidly.
Within mere milliseconds I found myself arse-first in 6 inches of thick, freezing cold mud.

I thought to myself how could this get any worse?

Then, respite from the mud path; a wide concrete road leading down towards the canal.

Strangely it went through these large metal gates, but being cold and actually wanting to get down to the canal to take some photo's I ignored them.

I ended up inside the compounds of a water treatment plant, with a rather large camera, covered in mud. I must have looked like some sort of terrorist.

Having not found a way down to the canal (despit being able to see it through the fence), I decide that it's probably a good idea for me to leave there, before I'm arrested.

I get back to the gates. They're shut. And padlocked. And a Yorkshire Water van can be seen heading off into the distance.

The bastards had locked me in.

Cue 4 hours of hanging around waving at the CCTV camera hoping that someone would come and let me out.

There was finally some hope however when I spotted an old man walking his dog. I shouted over to him and he walked across towards me and asked me if I was OK.

He then calmly showed me that there was another open gate about 20 yards from where I was stood.

Bollocks.
(There is no Mr Spoon, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 13:32, Reply)

I lost my job......
All because this married bird wanted me to sort out her nannies work visa in return for a knee trembler.
The bird turned out to be preggers with a li'l bastard and even though the courts say I've got the right to see the kid, it remains a physical impossibility.
( dogfish, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 15:18, Reply)

And another lost johnny
Fuckin' things. This was at a party, same girl as earlier. We nip off to the toilet for a quick shag, except I can't find the condom afterwards. Never mind, thinks I, and goes back to party. I actually found the thing a while later hanging from the back of my waistband. It seems I hadn't noticed it when I put my keks back on, and it had been hanging there filled with sex wee for some time
(he who walks, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 14:32, Reply)

can writ tits though.
i sm to hav lost th lttr " " on my ky board. Lucky it was'nt th lttr "t" aswll or this rally would'nt mak much sns, and i could'nt writ tits.
(Jeeves, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 16:07, Reply)

A mate of mine
Had a pair of hampsters in a small student flat. one day he decided to clean the cage out, and whilst doing this the pair escaped.

Several of us spent an hour hunting the missing hamsters and managed to recover one. We then all went off down the pub leaving him to continue the search. After closing time we all went back to his flat to find that the lights no longer worked, so we trooped down to the cellar and replaced the fuse, then went back up to his flat. The reason the fuse had blown was that he had one of those electric fires with the plastic fake coal underneath that was lit up by lightbulbs. Deciding that the only place he hadn't looked was inside the fire, he decided to turn it on so that the hamster, if it was inside would cast a shadow against the plastic coal. What he had forgotten was that he had run out of lightbulbs a couple of weeks earlier and so had knicked one from inside the fire. By sheer chance the hamster happened to have one foot on the live terminal inside the fire.

240v and hamsters does not mix.
(ceebs, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 14:34, Reply)

Foreskin
It wasnt so much lost as stolen - Fucking cheeky doctor. I was also told by my parents that I was going to the zoo that day. Ow fucking really - Zoo/Hospital - only Rolf Harris has an excuse for making that mistake.

And from that moment forward I deliberatly pissed on the floor - ha ha - "My aim has gone mum"
(Taco Tickler, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 13:45, Reply)

smallest vibrator?
I made a tiny vibrator using a Pager motor and a couple of button cells. It was "turned on" by twisting a tiny aluminium ring on the outside that braught a neodymium magnet closer to the micro-reedswitch that was housed inside... the body was 20mm long, and 7mm Outside diameter. I machined the body myself out of stainless steel, and the join in it was near-invisible due to all the time I spent trying to make it look solid...

It was in honesty, a symphony of cutness.

It took bloody HOURS to make it, and I only did it to find out how small it could be done... and what's more, it worked SO well!!! it was so light that even the tiny motor made it hugely powerful. it was perfect for .... erm.... stimulation small parts of female anatomy. she LOVED it.

but I Lost it.

have no idea where.... Maybe it's in the bottom of a washing machine somewhere.

I was pissed about it... but it was nothing like her wrath....
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 3 Dec 2004, 13:41, Reply)

Stupid brain...
After a entire day's worth of drinking to celebrate a friend's birthday and our last day at university together before going back home to the dole queue, young JimBob was quite "refreshed" and felt the need to be sick outside a pub. I decided to do this in comfort, so sat/lay/slumped down onto the kerb.

Much spewing later, methinks it'd be a good idea to go home before I die, so I drag myself back to my pit.

Next day, I find I've lost my jeans; and not even in the "threw them off trying to undress myself" or "some bummer's stolen them after, well, bumming me" kinda way, the bastards just weren't to be found anywhere in the house. What made it worse was the fact my parents were coming to pick me up within the hour, and I sure as hell wasn't going home without my jeans (they were my favourite pair).

I damn near tore that house limb from limb looking, with my parents finally helping me in that "you stupid boy, what've you been up to" way that parents do.

I received a phone call three months later from my ex-landlord asking if the jeans he'd found in the freezer were mine. I'd apparently sat in some gum while hoiking my guts up, and had a moment of clarity when I got home and put them in the freezer to get it off.

Not a great story, I know, but so fucking what. I make no apologies for length, shitness, or missing of point.
( <somethingfunny> hasn't said anything funny since, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 10:26, Reply)

Best phone ever...
It must have been about 7 or 8 years ago, when GSM mobile phones were still pretty new in the UK that I decided to bite the bullet and "invest" in a fancy "cutting edge" Nokia 1610 handset on a Vodafone contract... anyway, after owning the phone for a couple of months (and hardly daring to use it because of the ridiculous call costs back then) I realised that I still hadn't recieved a bill from them, more time passed, and after six months I came to the conclusion that Vodafone had "lost" my account on their system, and so I started to let all my mates use it as much as they wanted. Two years later, and the phone was almost constantly in use - even up to the point that I was "renting" it for a fiver a night to the Indian students next door so they could phone their families in India for hours on end. Then one day the inevitable happened, whilst trying to climb into a boat, and with the "magic" mobile precariously sitting in my shirt pocket, I leaned forward, and with a sickening "plop" the phone dissapeared into the unsanitary depths of the wharf in the centre of Lincoln (to the obvious amusement of the group of tramps and booze-hounds that were sitting on the bank drinking cider), Anyway, after hours of wading about in the filthy water I still couldn't find it, and had to resign myself to paying for phone calls again... at least they never did bill me for the calls.
( C, Sat 4 Dec 2004, 11:16, Reply)

Just This Morning
I settled down for a nice long dump, but when I looked in the pan afterwards, it was nowhere to be seen

I told the police I'd been turd burgled but they just put down the phone. . .
(le renard, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 16:24, Reply)

I lost a patient once
No, not like that. It was Thanksgiving, 1988 and I was making my 10 o'clock rounds and oh my god, Mrs. Harris has disappeared! She was a senile little old lady who couldn't walk, peed herself with some regularity and was tied to the bed in a sort of restraint vest. (That's illegal in the States nowadays)

She was nowhere to be found. I was running from bed to bed, all my other nurse friends searching franically for her. No dice. I was in tears, trying to figure out how to break it to the family I'd somehow lost their 99 year old granny when someone shouted.

I ran over and SHE WAS HANGING UNDER THE DAMN BED! I have no idea how, but she had climbed over the siderails, still tied to the bed by her vest and was hanging from the underside of the frame. She had pissed everywhere and her hair was dabbing in the pool of urine on the floor.

I had to lie on the floor, try to wipe up the piss, then scooch under the bed and catch her when my friend untied her. Then I wiggled out from under the bed with a stinky old lady in my arms, my face lashed with wee-soaked stringy hair, wiping the floor with my back.

My relief was in direct proportion to my filth.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 4 Dec 2004, 4:13, Reply)

The Eiffel Tower
Me and a work mate (a bloke, not a bench) were on a jolly with work in Paris and we got a day off. We're staying in a hotel just round the corner from the Palais Versailles and we can see the Eiffel tower from just outside, so we decide to get in the car and drive into the city centre and go have a look.

As we approach the city centre it starts to rain, then the cloud starts to get lower until we can no longer see the Eiffel tower. No problems, think I, we've got a road map somewhere in the car. I pull it out and start working out directions.

A couple of hours later, we're on a motorway heading towards Rouen, absolutely miles outside Paris. Turns out it was a map of the Paris underground, not the road system.

We never did find it. I'm sure it's there somewhere. Anyone spotted it?
( fozberry, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 15:26, Reply)

Poor teddy.
I lost my teddy bear down the gap between the train and platform when I was about 4. The train driver was our next door neighbour who hated our family and he refused to get teddy for me. It broke my heart to see teddy's poor little head and body laying mangled on the track after the train had gone.

I exacted sweet revenge when I was about 11 by breaking into his caravan with a collection of dog turds. My mate wanted me to scrawl "Remember Teddy?" in excrement on his windscreen, but I decided that this would rather disrespectful to Teddy's memory so we settled for making smiley faces out of dog crap in the drawers and sink.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 14:42, Reply)

my car - sort of
went with the misuse to ikea leeds (yeah - i know, sexual blackmail), parked up the ax and spent a thoroughly awful day trawling round looking at all the sh!te they offer, including a wonderful (!) lunch in their "restaurant". Mission accomplished, it was out to the car with armfuls of cheap tat - hmm the key seems to be jammed, cue lots of swearing and eventually a crowd of helpful people trying to slide all sorts down the door and window to open it. Cue couple walking up with a WTF, proceed to open THEIR red ax giving me a mouthful of abuse before driving off. Must embarassment and 2 rows up sat waiting for us was our car.....

Oh the shame, but the small crowd all thought it rather amusing......
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 14:36, Reply)

I lost my temper with...
...Richard Branson. Whilst in a pub, he came and sat with my friend and me, quite uninvited, and started boasting about all his money. "You're not Richard Branson," I said, suspiciously. "I am," he answered, looking most hurt. "Oh yeh - then where's your fucking beard?" At this point he became nasty and agressive and rose to his feet. I stood up too and, in light of the fact that a) he was taller than me and b) I am a girl, I decided to get the first punch in. My moment of glory - his surprise coupled with his drunkeness meant that he sailed through the air and landed against the wall. I felt like Superwoman, until the Landlord came over and asked what was going on. I then changed tack and cried a bit, saying that he had tried to touch me up. Richard was hurled bodily from the pub to raucous laughter.

I suspect it wasn't really Richard at all. He always seems quite nice.
( thealternativefact, Tue 7 Dec 2004, 14:00, Reply)

Can you keep a secret?
My wife was away for the weekend, and my 2 year old decided to go looking for her. Cue much sphincter tightening horror as I notice the front door wide open after coming in from the garden. Thankfully a kindly old lady had found him strolling down the road and I promptly burst into tears. We don’t tell mummy!
(martinator, Tue 7 Dec 2004, 11:58, Reply)

odd
few months back i popped into town for a few brews with some friends. Being a bit bored on the bus, i took my nice new 300 quid mp3 player with me.

On the way home, i wasnt bored (others came back wioth me). Got off the bus and then realised "fuck, i had a bag didnt i?"

Contents of bag:
1 £300 mp3 player (never to be seen again)
1 small bag of weed (also, not seen again)
1 small bag of pubic hair, in a clear plastic bag with a stamp and address label on (2 weeks later turned up at my mates house in sheffield CUNTS!)

phoned the bus depot up and explained the contents to them. Nada. Bag never seen again... obviously the gits that took it decided to rub it in by posting the bag of pubes...
(pissycocks GIRAFFETASTIC!, Tue 7 Dec 2004, 11:16, Reply)

Lost my respect for the males of our species,
after noticing that with the promise of a trivial amount of sex, their entire belief systems, moral values, loyaties, freindships, promises and empathies can be over ridden. Poor fellers you really are such a bunch of retards.
(rattus, Sat 4 Dec 2004, 13:53, Reply)

Lost my virginity....
...I've still got the box it came in though.....
(Desolation Angel, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 9:22, Reply)

My Knife
When I was six, my friends and I went out back to a patch of land we called "The Desert," and used a knife to cut down a thin, tough coyote willow (Salix exigua). The blade was blunt, the effort strenuous, and soon I lost the knife in the leaf litter. I tried yanking down the tree, lost my grip on the trunk, and landed on my ass - and located the knife, as it sliced through the jeans and penetrated my testicles. Oddly enough, the sensation wasn't entirely unpleasant - a kind of tingling as I remember.

I gave up, went home, and started telling my mother about the strange tingling, but her screaming, and a hasty visit to the doctor, interrupted the story. Supposedly there was no long-lasting harm (still childless after all these years, though).
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Tue 7 Dec 2004, 21:49, Reply)

Mobile, but got it back
my old mobile had one of those cover things from the Royal Marines Souvenir shop, with a piccy of a Soldier with an SA-80 on the back.

Pretty distinctive, me living in Hong Kong and all, where there is a noticable lack of Royal Marine Souvenir Shops. Anyway, I digress.

On a school camp thingy, got up and rumaged around in my big fuckoff rucksack for my stuff so I could go on a hike. I notice, with no small amount of worry, that the pocket with my mobile in it was open. Mobile gone.

So, I'm a bit pissed. I suddenly see someone at the end of the dormitory, the little shiftly git who no-one trusts. I go over to him and see that he's playing with a very very familiar mobile phone.

"Nice Phone." says I. He keeps quiet, the little shit. I asked him if I could see it. He gives it to me, and lo and behold, it is indeed my phone.

So, I cover the back with my hand and ask what the picture was on the back. To his credit, he did answer correctly. So I pop the cover and check that my name is inside. It was. I show it to him, and the impudent little bastard says "So?".

"So" I decked the scantimonious little fucker.

Seriously, theft is becoming a big problem.

I blame rappers like 50 cent.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Tue 7 Dec 2004, 14:16, Reply)

Pants and the Congo
I, or rather British Midlands Airways, lost everything I owned somewhere between Heathrow Airport and Luanda, the capital of Angola.

Unfortunately, I happened to be travelling up the Congo to Brazzaville, a journey I made with nothing more than the clothes I stood up in and a spare pair of undercrackers.

I had to force-feed myself gin and tonic FOR A WHOLE WEEK as my malaria pills were also in the wrong country, for shame.

To add insult to injury, I was also "relieved" of 600 dollars by a local AK47-wielding militia group. How we laughed as government troops subsequently turned them into strawberry jam.

My best bastard leather jacket, the thieving tarts. Jet-set lifestyle? Shit, more like.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 10:43, Reply)

yes. yes I have.
I lost my wedding ring.

Mrs B wasn't hugely impressed, it had to be said. Even had the cats X-rayed. No joy. Turns out (2 years later when she was arrested) the cleaner had nicked it, along with Mrs B's passport. Arsecandle.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 8:55, Reply)

I lost all of my data,including porn,when my HDD crashed.
god i need a girlfriend.
(That guy with a hat., Wed 8 Dec 2004, 15:05, Reply)

Lost and found
A few years ago i was in a band. One of my bandmates had a garage so we used it to practice in. All our equipment was in there. After a while everyone kind of drifted apart as you do, but i was still close to the drummer whose garage it was.
Que two month's later. He phoned me up and told me his garage had been broken into. The thieves had apparantly taken EVERYTHING, including my £400 guitar amp!
Well i was obviously pissed off about it but he told me he was claiming on his house insurance and he'd sort me out a new amp.Sorted. Got a new amp and a new bass guitar from the money he gave me.
About six months later i was going through my spare room looking for something, moved some old blankets and stuff from the corner and what do i find? My old amp. It had been there the whole time and i had inadvertently turned my friend into an insurance fraud!
I was strangely proud.
(One Pig. Slightly Used., Wed 8 Dec 2004, 10:28, Reply)

A Rabbit Behind a Sunbed
I once worked as a beauty therapist for a mad drugged up cow who kept her puppy and rabbit in the shop while buggering off drinking with her mates to leave me her naive 17 year old work experience girl in charge.

Anyway one afternoon spent alone i was happily playing with the puppy (locked in the kitchen) and the rabbit (hopping around in the reception area) when suddenly the place became a hive of activity. Loads of people came in and about 5 wanted to go onto the sunbed. Concentrating on the customers i was making tea for the ones waiting and making sure the others worked the machine ok. Once it had died down a bit I noticed something was missing. The rabbit was no where in sight. I ran out of the shop and looked around thinking it might have hopped out when someone came in or out but couldnt see it. Searched the shop. Puppy was quite happily peeing on the kitchen floor. Couldnt see the rabbit ANYWHERE.

I then shouted the immortal line through the door of the sunbed room.

"I know this sounds like a stupid question, but is there a rabbit in there with you?"

Had to repeat that i wasnt joking 3 times before she believed me! Helped me look though, which was nice! Finally an hour after first discovering it was gone i climbed up on the ma-hoo-sive sunbed to look behind it.

The rabbit was behind there happily snuggled up.

It must have been there while about 6 different people had 10 minutes each on the sunbed.

Didnt seem to do it any harm!

--

Wont go through the usual length and girth jokes :P
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Sun 5 Dec 2004, 19:37, Reply)

where did i put my...
oh it's over there.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Sun 5 Dec 2004, 12:06, Reply)