The Wizard of Oz...
...was on at our local playhouse, so we went to see it with our two kiddies, then 3 and 6. We sat in the front of the circle, so we had a pretty good view.

As the wicked witch is menacing Dorothy in one particularly harrowing scene, youngest gets up and shouts at the top of his lungs "Stop doing that, you naughty lady!"

Cue whole theatre in giggles and the entire cast trying manfully (and womanfully) trying to stifle their laughter too, not entirely successfully.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 16:24, 3 replies)

my mum
or, rather, peeoples' reactions to her.
we in the family are well used to her little eccentricities, such as waggling her tiny feet off the floor and blowing a tantivy through a trumpet made of her own hands when she gets a good word on countdown, or her insistence on giving things new names(such as renaming chicken "charkelington"), but watching the bemusement on the faces of others who witness her little outbursts really makes me laugh.

one that i remember well is when a friend and i were sitting in my mum's kitchen. suddenly, from the living room came a loud shout along the lines of "BEEAAAAHHHMMMMLLLWPOOOWOOOBNNNGGGGGYYEAHHHHHH!"
without even bothering to ask, i just said "ok" and got up to put the kettle on.
wide-eyed with amazement, my mate asked "did you understand that?"
"yes", i said, "she wants a cup of tea."
i didn't tell my friend that mum frequently pulls that particular trick, i simply let her believe that my mum and i could both speak some bizarre shouty language that we only employed in times of thirst.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 15:37, 4 replies)

simple
I love that magic moment which occurs when you read something unintentionally hilarious, for example:

In the index of my fish cookbook (sorry) - 'Sea bream : see bream'

Written in large letters on a box of salted peanuts at my workplace - 'WARNING THIS PRODUCT MAY CONTAIN NUTS'

and my favourite one recently - an energy drink invented by an alumnus (is that the right term) of my university because 'the taste of other energy drinks wasn't very nice' (marketing jargonised) and called PUSSY. Yes, an energy drink called PUSSY.

I drank a can and it didn't taste great.
(Maverickjames 's name is not James, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 14:35, 12 replies)

Just walking back to the office
I noticed that the local bus company have given a christmas theme to one of their buses, with the classic 'Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!' emblazoned across the top decks front window.

Unfortunately, the choice of font is more appropriate for halloween and the bright red colour they've chosen, with white highlighting means that it looks like it has been written in blood.

Having said that, having been on the top deck of a bus in Nottingham, it may well have been.
( Muns, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 13:28, Reply)

Overheard in a supermarket....
Walking past the Halloween displays, mother to child:

"You've got a skull! I'm not buying you another one!"
( Ambegris likes his tea stirred anti-clockwise, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 13:21, 3 replies)

Playing in a (good) orchestra
requires one's emotions/ awareness be open like a mainsail, ready to catch the slightest, most subtle of nuances; a never-ending breath of a note from twenty violins sounding perfectly as one; a beautifully executed phrase from a solo flute gracefully, flawlessly handed to the bassoon; a tutti pianissimo with the power to calm the most violent of storms.

I recall the performance where for the duration (hour and a 1/2), due to an unexpected error by an oboist, my stifled laughter had me in the heights of regularly recurring waves of simultaneous giddy pleasure combined with an enforced, necessary, painful and rocking silence; placing me exactly in the middle of the desire to have it never end and the desire to be able to breathe, let alone see.

The oboists's error was a simple lack of concentration due to his extreme dislike of the conductor. The concert order had been changed - the first piece (with the loud opening) had been swapped with the second (with the soft). The ensuing result of his distraction was like... picture the most beautiful of English countryside settings, green, soft, gentle... with a single, solitary, half-second Harpo Marx car-horn like solo. Fortissimo.
(roysin, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 13:19, 11 replies)

Mate of mine told me about his 18 year old son
who got a job at a plumbing company. My mate had warned him to watch out for practical jokes, which were common in places like that. For instance when he was a kid in his first job, he was sent off to the stores to ask for "A long weight" (long wait), or a bucket of steam etc.

Anyway apparently his kid was doing okay, until he got fired for telling his supervisor to fuck off. He'd asked him to pass him a monkey wrench.
(Leemondus, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 13:07, 2 replies)

I watch football at a small local non-league ground with my dad, a number of his mates and various hangers on.
A few years back,one of the lads, Terry, brings along his youngest son who was the tender age of 7.

The boy was carefully briefed as to the fact that as he was big enough to go to football he was big enough to understand that there would quite likely be LOTS of naughty words being shouted at players and, most likely, the referee and linesmen, and would he mind NOT repeating any of these words in mummy's earshot?

Match gets underway and it's evident fairly early on t hat the ref is having a shocker. Fouls are given when there's no foul to be seen, offsides not called when the man is far forward enough to be able to shake hands with the goalie, free kicks awarded nowhere near the offence and throw-ins awarded to the wrong teams. In short, he's fucking shit, but with an even-handedness which is both admirable, yet astonishing.
Unsurprisingly as a result the game is somewhat poor with frequent interruptions to play and both sets of supporters in the ground were getting somewhat fractious with some rather fruity language, mostly directed at the ref, being heard.

Finally, in the second half, the home team managed to string a few passes together without being stopped by the ref, one of the wingers burst through, delivered a cross which was PUNCHED away and off the field via the right touchline by an opposing defender. The ref blows up and awards a throw-in, rather than the expected and so-obvious-you-could-see-it-from-space penalty.

It's still the one and only time I've seen a football ground in stunned silence at a refereeing error.
So, it was even more surreal when the silence was broken by a little voice piping up with a query of 'can I call him a wanker now daddy?'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 12:48, 6 replies)

Whoops!
Remembering this story is making me grin like a chimp again!

My wife was bending down sorting out some laundry when my 8 year old son decided to walk past and pretend to fart in her face... for a bit of a laugh.

What actually happened is that he lifted his leg and let off the loudest fart I think I have ever heard.... I am sure that birds on the other side of the planet scattered.... now I have to say that time seemed to stand still, as the realisation of what he had just done dawned on the guilty party and the recipient... I mean, really stood still.... I felt like I was going to have a stroke as I tried to keep the laugh in... tears rolling down my face... my son was stood there like a deer in headlights (sheer terror on his face) and my wife had the sort of face that could only be described as 'psychotic'.

Still nobody had moved.... my son then cleared the stairs (I think in one leap) my wife in hot pursuit, leaving me to laugh hysterically... when my wife returned downstairs I had to put on the straight face again (very hard - I do think snot bubbles were caused in the attempt) and I think I found this hysterically funny for at least a week afterwards, just closing my eyes and visualising the two faces, captured in time.... I am struggling to type this (apologies for length, but I am typing between guffaws!)
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 12:48, 5 replies)

Not recently...
But, way back when....

A friend and I were walking from Meanwood to Headingley up the very steep ridge (Leeds geography). We were just in the foothills of Headingley when a pack of ferral kids (eldest 10 maybe) stepped out in front of us.

"Give us a quid, mister."

I ignored them, my friend told them to piss off. From that moment we had an entourage.

"Cunts!"
"Wankers!"
"Shit Wankers!"
"Shit cunt wankers!"

etc...

They followed us a way up the hill, then got bored of walking and just shouted. Around the corner at the top of the hill, a smart, respectable looking bloke in his 40-50s appeared strolling towards us as the young scamps below maintained their one-sided conversation.

("Fucking shit cunt wanker cunts"...."knobheab wankers"...."Shit puffs")

As we passed, he turned his head towards us.

"It appears you have a reputation," he said dryly.
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 12:12, 6 replies)

Not recently, but I took my dog to the vet...
...can't remember why, but it's not important.
Anyhow, the vet's doing an examination and I'm stroking the dog, keeping her calm etc. when the vet lifts the dog's tail and shoves a thermometer up her jaxie (up the DOG'S jaxie - jeeze you lot). The dog looked at me with an expression of forlorn disappointment that can best be described as, "Why you let her do this to me?"
Many years later, just thinking about that disapproving look still cracks me up.
(minimalist ..., Fri 7 Dec 2012, 11:49, 11 replies)

On this site
I like many of you lot read QOTW posts while at work. Most of you unfunny cunts don't make me do an actual LOL though :P

The post below from SLVA however was different. I laughed so much I hurt myself and my boss had to have a word with me. As she was telling me off the story was still making me smirk despite the bollocking I was receiving...quality

www.b3ta.com/questions/schadenfreude/post594146
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 11:40, 9 replies)

Have a pea:
On the last 'bus home out of town in Somerset one Saturday night, a group of lads at the back were being drunken, loud, but friendly - absolutely no malice at all.

Every single female that got on got a HUGE cheer from these lads.

A little old lady in her 70s got on - cue the HUGE cheers.

She paid for her ticket, turned to them with a wink and a smile, and pulled her skirt up a little exposing her knee, and pouted.

Cue HUGE cheers, wolf whistles, "Cor!" etc, but nothing filthy or dirty. Just good, clean fun.

Ace.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 11:20, 5 replies)

in the pub last night
A rather drunk young gentleman tried to pick a fight with one of my guitarists by using the immortal phrase

"Oi, did you just call my pint a cunt?"
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 10:52, 9 replies)

I know someone who, having missed the boat for Movember, has opted to joint the Decembeard spin-off.
Every day he has taken a picture to chart the growth and posted it on facebook, accompanied by a long plea for donations with stories about people close to him dying from bowel cancer, written in that overly heartfelt manner that is usually reserved for X factor contestants.

How he could know that many people with bowel cancer without being an Oncologist or sales representative for Tena lady, I don't know, but every day he has posted these pictures without there being any progress to actually see. It has now been seven days without even so much as a five o'clock shadow appearing.

He means well, but the unintentional fail that he is experiencing so far is causing me great mirth. I saw him this morning, still looking like his face has been freshly waxed rather than shaven. He is that devoid of any facial hair.

I just hope it's performance anxiety on his part, as everyone he is related to or close friends with appears to be counting on him.
( Muns, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 10:47, 2 replies)

Stewart Lee.
He's so clever and self-referential.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 10:33, 26 replies)

I should have posted for a previous QOTW but will crowbar in here..
We (as in my other half and step daughter) were going on holiday to Rhodes a couple of months back and I'm not the best one for going on planes. The nervousness is a good substitute for a full enama whilst also producing a lot of wind. It was so bad that when I was in the airport toilet depositing several kids at the pool I heard people coming in going 'what the fuck is that smell...somethings died'....etc.

Before the flight we were going round the usual duty free shops and my flatulence was the true definition of silent but violent, melting anything it came into contact with. I decided a bit of crop dusting was in order and decided to do this one aisle over from a group of lads going on holiday to Shagaluf or somewhere like that. My other half instantly looked at me with a look that would normally only be reserved for being caught pissing in the corner of the bedroom when drunk. What happened next has had us all laughing like loons whenever we remember the holiday....

lad 1: Was that you?!?!?!
lad 2: No, no, it stinks, nothing to do with me!!!
lad 1: You are fucking stinking, there's no way your sleeping in the room
lad 2: It's nothing to do with me!!!!
lad 1,3,4: You're on the balcony tonight

So to lad 2 , if you saw 3 people trying their best not to wet themselves as they left the duty free I was the one responsible....sorry
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 10:25, Reply)

A few years back I was out for Christmas drinks with mates from work
We were going from Soho up to Camden to carry on drinking at the Dublin Castle and so were changing from the Victoria to the Northern line at Euston, where the change is basically just across the platform. Running through, I saw there was a Northern line train waiting and hopped onto it, turning around to see my friends were still some distance behind me. The doors started to close and I realised they weren't going to make it in time, so I decided to get off the train and wait with them, rather than travel to Camden on my own. Unfortunately, and quite possibly due to the heroic amounts of alcohol I'd already put away, I wasn't quite as fast as I thought I was and lunging forwards with perfect comedy timing all I managed to do was position my head between the closing doors, which hit me with a quite surprising amount of force and bounced open again. Stunned, I fell back into the carriage to be joined by the rest of my party, who laughed like drains for the remainder of the evening. And a good portion of the next day at work too.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 9:56, 36 replies)

A product of her environment
One day Mrs Quackblast, a young Korean lady, came home from work looking rather pissed off. I asked her what was up and she related the following story.

She'd popped out for lunch and met a Japanese friend of hers and they were walking off to get some food when a gentleman approached and asked if they had any spare change as he was short on his train fare and urgently had to go and see his parents, (and in no way was going to spend it on drugs or alcohol.)
'Sorry' she says, and they continue on their way.
About 50 metres down the road he shouts after them 'Why don't you fuck off back to China!' to which the missus turned 180 degrees, walked back up to him, stood about a foot from his face and announced through the medium of shouting, in the middle of a packed London street at lunchtime-

'I BET YOUR PARENTS ARE REALLY PROUD THAT THEIR SON GREW UP TO BE A CUNT!'

She wouldn't say boo to a goose when I met her, and was blissfully unaware of the majority of English swear words. It just goes to show the effect of hanging around with a horrible little scrote like me.

Her then telling me that the outburst was such a shock to her Japanese friend that she needed to 'have a nice sit down' only made me laugh the harder. Her continuing to say that yes, she was an immigrant in the country, but she was now a permanent resident, contributed to society and payed a lot of fucking tax, and she was fucked if she was going to let 'some fucking druggie cunt' fucking talk to her like that sent me over the edge.

What have I done to her?
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 8:35, 4 replies)

A lot of people seem to confuse "laugh with" (oh, that's witty, a ha ha ha) with "laugh at" (you stupid prick, snirk snirk snirk)
"We need the joy", Rob admitted. Where's the joy in being an obnoxious bellend chuckling at another's misfortune?
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 8:35, 29 replies)

stay about from my bins

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 8:08, 2 replies)

Mark
Bumped into my friend Mark at the pub a few weeks back. Hadn't seen him for a while so we were having a good ol' catch up, during which I asked how his band, The Trevs, were going.

"Yeah good mate, we've even got cards now. Here, have one."
"It doesn't have your number on it bro."
"But you've already got my number!"
"..."
(ElGranto, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 6:41, Reply)

Watched this unfold a little while ago.
Busy shopping centre carpark. Couple of weeks out from chrissy so everyone's got that "mad rush" mentality. As tho Western civilisation may fall before lunchtime.
EDIT: In light of the day and time this could well be a possibility I suppose.

Cue a jazzed up doof-doofing sporty 4 cyclinder car (fins, spoilers the worx). Lowered so much that the skirts are almost scraping the ground anyway. See spiky-haired teenager in said car try to traverse a wide speed hump diagonally so as to try not to scrape the underside of his noisy mufflered, pulsing blue led strewn car. See him hold up 2 lanes of irate traffic in both directions whilst he desperately tries to save the underside of his car and the fibreglass skirts on either side.

Hear the unmistakable sound over the toots and shouts of other impatient drivers of metal on brickwork and scrunching fibreglass.
Laugh manically as I jump the kerb in the missus' "at least a foot clearance off the ground" 4x4 station-waggon in order to get around the twit as he now has stopped for fear of causing more damage to the the underside of his car. Pause laughter in order to look him fair in the eyes and mouth "Dick-head!" as I drive past.
Resume laughing loudly enough to be heard by most people in the small traffic snarl. Enjoy the sound of previous angry voices turning into laughs of derision.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 7 Dec 2012, 3:52, 13 replies)

sports women
Still makes me chuckle...

My nephews girlfriend bought him an England shirt with his favourite players name on it... she couldn't understand what the problem was!


( DanGleeballs Moist people don't notice spelling errors..., Fri 7 Dec 2012, 1:47, 21 replies)

Yesterday
My mate farted on the bus.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 1:18, 3 replies)

I work as a rickshaw cyclist in Edinburgh
We charge quite a lot per journey (significantly more than a taxi) yet people seem to think we should be working for peanuts and frequently accuse us of being robbers when told the price to get somewhere miles away and on top of a hill.

It gives me a warm glow of satisfaction to see them stomp off in the wrong direction. Had they been a little more polite, I would have been happy to correct their mistake.

I like to give them a little wave as they stomp back past again, sometimes up to an hour later. For some reason, they rarely see the funny side.



Edit: We also play "Who's next to trip over the bollards outside Biddy Mulligan's". Sometimes we distract impending victims just to improve our chances of winning. Triple points if people are walking in single file and you can get a domino effect.

Then we laugh at them.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 23:14, 8 replies)

As we were watching the recent Olympic opening ceremony on TV, it became apparent that my sister thought Danny Dyer was the director responsible..
(anvil, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 22:38, 5 replies)

My grandpa teases his (toddler age) grandkids
with the whole "Got your nose!" thing. The end of the game will always be him tapping the kid's nose- it's still there! what a shock! - and going, "Dink!"

My 4 year old cousin had apparently had enough of this game when she waited for grandpa to fall asleep, snuck up on him, punched him full in the nose shouting "DINNNNK!" at the top of her voice, and legged it laughing maniacally.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 22:31, Reply)

Break time at the Haunted House
I was one of several dancing zombies at a theater remodeled as a Haunted House this last Halloween. The episodic, vigorous hunt for brains was hard work, of course, and we were resting between waves of visitors. One of the Haunted House guides was a teenage girl dressed as a cat - cat whiskers, cat ears, cat tail. She sprawled face down on the stage. A teenage boy reached over and playfully lifted up her little cat tail. "Stop!" she shouted. "You've got to buy me dinner first!"
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 22:24, 4 replies)