My mate Mick cant resist fiddling with children
– not in the Catholic preist sense of the word, he just likes to mess with their minds. When Mick was a nipper he wondered what would happen if he stuck his finger in one of the reels of a slowly spinning olde style cine projector. What did happen is that the fucker sped up and lopped his finger off at the knuckle.

Now Mick can’t resist going up to random little kids who annoy him, with his hideous knuckle – claw didget rammed up his nose screaming: ‘Look! I’m scratching my brain, kids!’

This always ALWAYS leads to a crying, traumatised child and a mate who looks far, far too pleased with himself.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 8 Jun 2006, 14:38, Reply)

wooden leg
Not really about me.. but anyway.. my nan was round for a family meal and we got chatting about great grandad. She was telling us how he lost half of his leg because of a terrible train accident. Then i had to go open my fat mouth 'Well i guess it wouldn't have been that bad, at least he could alway go to fancy dress as a pirate'. Shocked faces from the whole family.. me mumbling about...'i didnt mean it like that'.. mumble..opps
(carpetburns, Thu 8 Jun 2006, 12:14, Reply)

Not really a missing body part but
my neighbour has eczema still it's no skin off my nose!
(djgalaxe, Thu 8 Jun 2006, 10:06, Reply)

I have a rare disease
where I'm constantly shedding my inhibitions.

For example last week I had anal seczema.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 8 Jun 2006, 5:41, Reply)

just an average day in Ranthambore national park...
driving through the local village on a trip to the market at a typical dusty and dirty market in Rajasthan, India...
What did I spot as I was whisked along a suburban street?

A severed foot, lying there at the side of the road, with a crowd of locals and a couple of police standing round. They all seemed as bemused as me as to where it had come from...

To this date no explanation has become clear to me.

Apologies for length and non-personal harm, but it's a good healthy girth that gets the ladies really going.
( eclecticshock, Thu 8 Jun 2006, 3:58, Reply)

I've not lost anything


I'm all brand new.
(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 22:53, Reply)

Completely unlikely.
My friend Forrest is missing half his ring finger. Whenever somebody asks him how it happened, he gets a funny grin on his face and dives into this story.

"So I've got this ring, right? I got it for my birthday, it was a pretty nice ring. So I was stroking it, you know, stroking it and talking to it because it was nice. And then my sister comes along and says, Hey Forrest, can I have that ring, precious? And I say, well, no, it's mine, precious. And then, you know what!? She jumps on me and bites off my finger. Funny, eh?"

Of course, the truth is he held onto a rope too long and broke his finger in the pulley. But the truth never stopped a good story and he'll be damned if it'll let it stop his.
(Poogle, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 19:50, Reply)

it's true
I lose my fucksocks all the time. They usually turn up down the back of the bed. I wear them so much I consider fucksocks a part of my body.

No length, no girth, just fucksocks.
(chronic27 up a bit, left a bit... insert girth there., Wed 7 Jun 2006, 19:01, Reply)

Chav In A Box? Innit --my sympathies
The condition of having no enamel on your teeth is enamel hypoplasia. It's caused by having a high fever at 3 weeks old* and being born premature, among other things. My son has it and is also needle and dento-phobic. (That is entirely due to the asswipe so-called "pediatric" dentist who snapped, "Don't be such a baby!" then held him down and jammed a needle in his face.) He'll need crowns and caps replaced throughout his life and I don't doubt the condition will exclude him from getting any decent dental insurance, poor kid.

*Three weeks is when enamel is usually laid down on your adult molars. Fevers will disrupt the process and once 3 weeks of age have passed, it's too late.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 18:59, Reply)

reading some of the stories reminded me of this...


thought I'd share it all with you as it's one of my fave Larson cartoons... oh look, I've just lst the will to live
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 17:55, Reply)

Almost forgot this one!
I used to have a small mole off to the side of my chin that a dermatologist said might be malignant and needed to be removed. So I went to a plastic surgeon and they numbed the area. It was very interesting, feeling something being cut out of my face, and I have it floating in a little jar somewhere.

Then the bastard noticed another on the back of my neck, so that went too. And because of the way the stitches were put in on that one, I have a little scar that looks like a bug on the back of my neck, with legs and all. Will post a picture if I can find one.
(Fodqou, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 17:31, Reply)

Toe nails, teeth and tonsils. Shin skin.
Ingrowing toe nails are bastards... Especially when they get infected and you haven't got enough money/time to see a chiropodist. Thank funky christ for my swiss army knife eh? After ten minutes of slicing my toe to bits, I go to the bugger and managed to remove it.

Hint: If you plan on doing this then use a can of deoderant to 'sterilise' the blade.
Drink a fair amount of neat vodka and play some loud music to cover your screams.

Teeth: Once had to have six teeth removed. Bastard dentist. Remember swallowing lots of blood and used it as an excuse to stay off school for a week!

Also lost a tooth when I was eating a sticky lemon bonbon. This also happened to my mate on the same day... so sod the dentist, just eat bonbons.

Tonsils: I didn't remove these myself. That would be sick. As far as I know they were incinerated many, many years ago. If i'd have been older and wiser, then I would have requested to keep them to show friends and employee's.

(not quite the same thing, but once fell down a ladder and took a whole sliver of shin skin with me... guess that counts as a body part.)
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 17:00, Reply)

big baby's head
In agony I was had been for months, back and forth to the local horsepickle (thats hospital to those of you who don't speak Birmingham) and they had not a clue.
After many months and collapsing it was discovered I had an ovarian cyst the size of a babies head in me. All gone now thankfully for some reason the staff declined to let me take it home. I imagine it to be in a jar somewhere.
O yes in between the agony and the removal, the horsepickle removed my perfectly healthy appendix thinkin this was the problem, blatantly failing to notice the afforementioned baby head nestling in my reproductuve system.
Tsk tsk

I feel the length and girth is satisfactory.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 16:55, Reply)

My stupid teeth
When I was about to get braces,at the age of about 11,the local dentist (looked like an Indian Demon Headmaster) said I needed 7 teeth out to make room in my mouth. My mum was really pissed off,cos I only really had one wonky tooth (it was a bit further back than the others) so she took me to another dentist. This dentist decided to only take one out (my teeth are actually off centre now so that sucks).

I absolutly LOVED having this tooth out! The feeling of the injection in the roof of my mouth,the cracking roots! Local anesthetic is the tits! The dentist was a little Chinese guy who was playing 50s musical songs,so it was fucking surreal! He was shocked that I giggled the whole way through,and asked for the tooth afterwards. Am gonna get it put in a necklace soon. Its so cute!

Also,my back teeth crumbled a few years back. I sat in class picking bits of loose tooth out of my gum. A chavvy tart in my school asked what I was doing and I said "my teeth are crumbling". The look of shock was priceless.
(Miharu, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 16:26, Reply)

more nipples
after getting his nipple peirced the previous day, my kayaking instructor donned his wetsuit and kayak and proceeded with the session as per usual, after a few sessions of rodeo training he was complaining that his nipple hurt, so we called an end to the session

as you know, wetsuits are skin tight, everything can be seen through them...apart from his nipple.

the nipple he had gotten peirced rubbed agains the rubber so much that the bar got pulled off, with most of his nipple. where his nipple was, it looked like it had been replaced with a peice of pepperoni.

the actuall nipple and bar was hanging out by his belly button!
( Sir T. Skellington, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 15:38, Reply)

I loose blood from time to time.
Nothing spectacular but it emerges from underneath my right eye. A little disconcerting for me and a nightmare for anyone else.
See the blood wells up and comes round the side of the eye too and it looks a little like it is going to fall out.

I think its cool, though I might be having a brain hemorrhage or something nasty.
(The Better Tim! Free of them STDs since, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 14:03, Reply)

Is that a Gun urgh…Scream..
As a nipper, I and a few mates were shouting abuse at an older boy who we believed shagged cats..as you do.. Anyway he bravely ran away from four eight year olds into his house. Must have been terrifying for a 16 year old twat!
A brief pause and an window opens, an object extends from the net curtain, My mate starts to says “is that a gun” gurgles and screams in pain as blood gushes from his mouth, We all stair at him in shock. He then starts to spit out blood and bits of teeth…
So we all do the right thing and run off screaming.. Turns out the older lad then tries to get the victim not tell anyone… Eventual someone’s dad takes him to casualty, he loses three teeth and has bits of lead pellet stuck in his throat. Fucked up his whole summer holiday as he had his teeth wired up while they tried to fix the damage..
So what happed to the shooter, he go a caution from the filth… Where is the justice in that?...

Well, many years later I run into the shooter who is pissed out of his tree falling about in the street crying as his wife has left him, turns out not only did she leave him as he has a tiny tool and she thinks he’s gay. But also she ran off with his own brother…… Well it took 20 years but its still sweet to hear your toothless mate wetting himself laughing when you tell him..
So Jeremy May, you have a tiny tool, your ex wife ran off with your brother and thinks you are gay..It could only get better if you kill yourself you SAD WANKER!!


Who cares about the length, its still bigger than Jeremy’s
(SheepInRubberPantsTurnMeOn, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 13:18, Reply)

I regularly have the piss taken out of me,
I'm a dialysis user.
(The Secret 7000 ...join us. www.secret7000.co.uk, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 12:58, Reply)

I just lost my fingernail.
Cleaning a bloody coffee cup the other day. A little bit of metal cut through the middle of my finger, spurting blood up the wall and hacking my fingernail in half. It just fell off a minute ago. Nice.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 12:46, Reply)

I got my uvula ripped out
At age 5, got a week off from kindergarten, 2 days with ice cream (You can only eat ice cream after you've had your tonsils removed in Norway) frenzy which just happens to be the best 2 days of my life.

The only things I can remember from my surgery before I got doped is a big green room with 2 chairs, an operation table, 4 instruments and a waste bin.

Edit: Uvula. :I
(Gremling, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 12:04, Reply)

Not Me, But...
... a bloke what plays Australian Rules football for the West Coast Eagles, named Daniel Chick. He had a problem with his finger (think it involved the top joint), just wouldn't heal, so he had the finger amputated above the knuckle. I think he left it at the hospital.

Those Aussie Rules players are rock hard, let me tell you. This is a perfectly legitimate bit of play, colloquially known as a shirtfront.
(Pleiades, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 11:06, Reply)

Hair
I started losing my hair at about 22 - im now as bald as a baby (with no hair just in case you ask!!)

I also lost my 4th and 5th knuckle on both hands after fighting as a beer drinking yoot many years ago.

ive lost 3 teeth down to fighting (god im ashamed of that now!)and have quite a lot of titanium in my leg that replaced bone after a 'car' accident - (i jumped over one after a 'few' beers and smashed my leg up)

That is all
( awallafashagba Da da da da da Dah dah, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 10:14, Reply)

After reading...
some of the one-liners posted on this weeks QOTW, I am losing the will to live!
(Minty Hit, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 9:17, Reply)

Bloody dentists
Lemme see, my folks were convinced by a school dentist that I needed four of my brand new adult teeth pulled out (I was about 11) in order to ensure that I wouldnt need braces and I wouldnt get crooked teeth.

So they were duly removed by a bunch of trainee dentists (who used to call me swimming pool mouth due to my inability to control my own spit when jammed full of anesthetic)over a period of about two days.

Great.

Turns out later in life that my teeth are crooked anyway, just like my dads and his dads were. Fecking con artists.
I could really use those lost teeth now, having reaped the benefits of a lifelong aversion to dental work, namely decay and further extractions.

I also lost half a front toof after failing to negotiate a speed hump on a go-cart at great speed. Thank my brother for that one.

Oh yeah, and I also had these funny little baby teeth pop up before my wisdom teeth came through, when I was about 20. Very strange I thought.

It's all liquids and jelly from here on in.
(John Rooter, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 9:17, Reply)

and another one, sorry
The other week I had to have a small cyst removed from the end of my nose.

When I walked in the nurse said "oh, it's a little fatty lump!"

I thought "well you're a fine one to talk", but unfortunately only about 3 hours later.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 9:08, Reply)

I lost my brain ..
.. to booze and drugs back in the eighties.

I'm now president of the US. Never needed the damn thing anyway.
(spinoza, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 9:00, Reply)

I lost...
... several litres of blood when the buttmonkey of a surgeon performing my tonsillectomy slipped and cut open an artery.

Half of it ended up all over my hospital smock. The other half I regurgitated later. The hospital staff didn't think it prudent to try and put it back.

They gave me someone else's instead.
(xiaomiao, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 7:48, Reply)

I lost my finger....
Well, i lost some of it. I was about seven years old and had my lovely yellow Raleigh Boxer turned upside down. I was, as was the craze in my street at the time, bending the mudgard onto the wheel, and then turning the pedals to make it sound like a motorbike - brum brum.

Anyway, next thing i know, my finger is stuck right inside the bike chain (i was told later - i was tickled by a girl - although i have no idea if this was true) I had to slowly unwind the chain to get my finger out - which was hanging by a thread. Cue all my mates running over to the house and banging on the door making absolutely no sense, as i calmly strolled over and proclaimed "Dad, I've cut my finger off"

Cue a rush to the hopsital, where they reattached my finger. For the next six months, my schooldays consisted of going in, sitting in the library and reading books. Great stuff. I used to love my reading. Took years for my handwriting to recover though.

(2nd time lasted a lot longer than the first)
(mcguis, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 7:11, Reply)

I lost my
appetite after reading a few of these posts.

Missed out on bangers and mash, fucksocks!
(m0n|<eY, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 6:12, Reply)

I lost my innocence

When I turned 21 while watching 'Blue Velvet'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 2:58, Reply)