I ........
Once saw Dave Prowse in a Chinese restaurant in Bristol - I was sat 3 tables away from him....... That was a "Near Darth" experience.

There was a light at the end of a tunnel - then a Chinese bloke came out of it and said "You wanna tha flied lice ?"

.
( dogfish, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 8:12, Reply)

Top Tip..
All boy racers:

Avoid embarassing yourself publicly by telling people how badd-ass your *ADD RANDOM SHITE CAR HERE, Eg Nova 1.3 SR* was, and then telling us how your stunning inability to drive like (the moaning git) McRea (whom you worship) caused your 'near death' experience.

go back to JJB sports.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 26 Nov 2004, 7:29, Reply)

Sharing Amazon Girl's experience
I too was nearly throttled by my own umbilical chord at birth.... but no ambulance ride was needed: already at the hoshpital.

I was half way out.... imagine my mum's surprise as the midwifey says "push the baby back in... I need some slack"

I weighed 14lbs. (6.35Kg)
*grimmace*
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 26 Nov 2004, 6:59, Reply)

not near death, just stupid
I'll start my lame story with this ultra complicated equation:
hurricane + land = friction = tornadoes.
One day we were having one of these silly hurricanes, since it was pretty weak by then it was just a load of wind and some drizzle. I had planned to go downtown with my friend that afternoon, but my mom wouldn't let me because of my dirty, filthy bedroom, so the whole thing was off. Well, what do you know, a huge-ass tornado suddenly rips through town about 15 minutes later, and a fecking tree fell right on top of the place we sit 80% of the time. I still sort of wish I was there, though, I've always wanted to see a tornado. Blegh.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 5:36, Reply)

I nearly died after reading some idiots 50 reasons.
Until I spat out the anthrax.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 4:25, Reply)

don't go mountain climbing on acid...


i'll try to make this brief. a huge group of us used to camp in the mountains up north (Canada), complete with a glacier above that melted down to the river below, by way of three waterfalls. the waterfalls are about thirty feet high and flow into a pool, before narrowing to a couple of feet, spilling into another pool.so we're partying and a few of us eat a single of acid ( with booze) and decide to go sit on a favorite cliffband on the opposite side of the second waterfall. great idea, seeing as how it was getting dark and we forgot to bring flashlights. so we jump over the tops of the two wayerfalls and hang out, get bored and decide to go back to camp. my two friends jump over, and as i do my foot slips and i know i'm not going to make it. the waterfall sucks me in and i'm off to the races. now here's the interesting part - the acid saved my life, because all i could think of as i was sliding down this 30ft freezing cold waterfall in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere was : a) holy fuck and b) how do i make myself as hydrodynamic as possible to survive this? i tensed my body and as i hit the water below finally hit the bottom of the pool. there's way more to this story but i tried to keep it short...
(goorf, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 4:18, Reply)

This might be the reason people have therapy
but not me. I'm an 'ard Northern lass. When I was 15, my mum took me to Meadowhall (large, rather woo shopping place in Sheffield). After exhausting ourselves with a heavy shop, we made our way to the train station. Standing on the platform, the track started to shudder, there was a veeeery fast intercity about to pass through Meadowhall station. I don't like fast trains much, so I held onto the timetable sign in preparation.

Now, the whole time, a rather odd looking woman had been standing in front of me, but I thought little of it. Then she grabbed my arm.

And jumped in front of the intercity.

If I hadn't have held onto the signpost, I would have been dragged under that train with her. People started screaming, my mum grabbed hold of me, and we all looked down the track where all we could see was a torso. Just a torso. They found other bits down the line.

We had to get a bus home.

The bitch.
(b3tasux, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 3:47, Reply)

back in 1984
I was living in Cheshire in a place called Peckforton Castle. A bunch of us had just been to the supermarket and we were bombing back along the country lanes as you do when the driver, a guy called Molly, lost control going around a bend. The car swerved one way, then the other, all in that aldrenaline-pumped slo-mo that you get. Then it flipped and I remember thinking 'woooo' as I saw from the window first the sky then the road over and over. The car landed upright. Molly and I were unhurt, until I put my hand on some broken glass on the seat, lots of blood. The other two (passenger side, front and rear) both had head injuries on the right side of their heads, which was odd. We also found a ruptured can of butane in the wreckage of the car, so we kind of felt lucky.
( reaper cushions, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 1:29, Reply)

just a couple
2 alcohol and 1 tablet induced stomach pumping sessions.Several bike crashes including one on the same spot a schoolmate had died 2 weeks previously ( aint moto x fun ) and 2 car crashes.Always fun watching a bonnet crumple towards you and wondering wether your legs are gonna crumple next.That is all.Bit dull really.

ps. In the last 18 months my girfriend's been in 2 crashes with buses,wrote off both cars and didn't get a scratch thank fuck.

pps. Suppose i should mention the dodgy as fuck shaped vertebrae i now have thanks to landing head first at about 50 mph.Really fuckin glad i had a helmet on that time.Apologies for length,thanks for helmets.
(wool, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 0:52, Reply)

Near Death Experiences?
When I was 18 I got chucked by my first *serious* girlfriend and decided to have a little drink down my local to commiserate.
16 hours later I had consumed the following
1 70cl bottle of Absinthe
1 70cl bottle of Aftershock
Nearly 1 litre Jack Daniels
5 Mint Aeros
8 pints of Lager
An airline sized bottle of Baileys
I'd also eaten four packets of Scampi Fries

I have no memory of what transpired. There is some dodgy footage of me tearfully singing 'Wild Horses' by the Rolling Stones in somebody's front room, before puking voluminous brown and green bile into a kitchen sink, and apparently in the early hours of the morning I woke my mate Blair up from his bed on the couch to tell him to cut off my head as the pain in it was too severe, and put a stake through my heart just to make sure. My blood must have been thoroughly toxic and as thick as porridge. I consider it a miracle that I didn't have to have a stomach pump.

A night to be ashamed of? Sure thing, buddy. I also broke Neil's mum's clock. Sorry Neil.

As usual I face death and triumph! Death is a Julian Joy-Boy.
(weirzbowski, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 0:43, Reply)

err...radja,
about your post on page two,the one on january 4th,that was 1 day after my birthday...
(That guy with a hat., Fri 26 Nov 2004, 0:20, Reply)

Running for the bus...
As i was limping towards the bus-stop to go home from college (i was limping cos i'd twisted my right ankle playing footy that day), my bus pulled up at the stop. Cos i wasn't actually at the bus-stop yet i thought i'd better run to catch it. As i got to the bus i managed to twist my other ankle while trying to slow down and ended up falling to the floor with my head under the front wheel of the bus!

Luckily some woman waiting for another bus got the attention of the driver before he drove over my head!

I didn't really think too much about it cos i was more worried about looking like a mong while walking down the isle of the bus with 2 twisted ankles!
(Beaston, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 0:15, Reply)

Vehicular nastiness
On holiday in Spain, my friend had been teasing us about a so-called 'road of death' that we'd have to journey down each and every day. It turns out this entire stretch of concrete is an accident blackspot, with the central reservation missing large sections and the cliff face on one side of the road being erratically decorated with car paint, glass & seemingly, blood.

Being one of the many retards in the world who simply hasn't bothered learning to drive, I'm much more terrified of having no control of my impending doom. So it's with this deep seated fear that I find myself in the rear of one of two taxis driving us into town for the evening.

Everything's going well until the driver of the car in front radio's over 'Race! Race!' (which I am hoping is Spanish for 'slower! cautious!'). I was wrong.

The two fucking bastards start to race one another just as we pull onto the 'road of death'... I look up and see that we are doing over 100 and are less that 6 inches from the cab in front. Some quick maths based on braking distance, reaction times & the contents of my bowls leads me to the conclusion that I am, for want of a better word, fucked.

I start to panic and wind my window down in the feeble hope that it might slow us down, my eyes are fixed are on the brake lights of the car in front, waiting for the quick flash of red before I am liberally splashed across the bonnet of a Mondeo.

10 of the sweatiest minutes known to man pass and then, it happens. The car in front brakes - we brake... he swerves - we swerve. I decide instantly that I want to die with no dignity whatsoever and launch into the trillest most child like scream ever heard from a grown man.

My friends jump, the taxi driver jumps and the people at the bar we had just pulled up outside of stare nervously at the idiot in the back of a cab who seemingly screams when he gets to his destination.

I didn't pull.
( moonjam, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 0:14, Reply)

just this tuesday
i had the most frightening near death experience ive ever had. it was like the questioneer had a premonition of my near death experience and asked the qotw accordingly. so on tuesday i was taking my friend nate home because he didnt have a ride & lived 5 minutes away from me. he lives on a road with 5 or 6 farms on it (there are no farms on my street however). it is a winding road with a street sign warning ignorant drivers of 'dangerous curves', which one person had crossed out and rewritten to say 'dangerous farmers'. this proved to be all too true when, as i turned the corner on my way back home, i saw speeding toward me a pickup truck with a giant tractor on a trailor which was...trailing behind it. now i refer to it as a tractor trailor truck. it was on the wrong side of the road (the left side, as we're in america), and the tractor-filled trailor was swinging across the road directly toward me. i pulled quickly over to the side of the road and the trailor scratched the side of my car. i dont know how i survived. it was terrifying, but i can honestly say that all i could think of for the 5 seconds of heart pounding and wheel clenching in which i was certain i was going to die was my girlfriend. i told her what happened when i got home and received some grade a sex. totally worth it.

apology for length.
(USER No: 21515...FUCK YOU TO FUCK YOU FU see profile for limited time offer., Fri 26 Nov 2004, 0:06, Reply)

Another one...
...I once went on the Space Invader ride at Blackpool... Roller coaster in the dark... About halfway through I was violently thrown against the side of the car and felt like I was about to fall out, the restraint wasn't really holding me in proper.

I later found out that another young lad wasn't so fortunate on said coaster. He was thrown out and killed
( beefandcheese, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 23:49, Reply)

Not really a near death
But its as close as I'd like to come.

Whilst on a bike ride in Malham I was riding down a very steep and very bendy road. I was cutting corners left, right and centre. Finally I came flying around one corner on the wrong side to see a car heading towards me. I just managed to get out of it's way. Fortunatly for me we had passed two walkers on the way up, these two walkers had just got up to the point where I was flying around this corner. The car had slowed down to get passed the walkers. If it hadn't I'm sure that me and the car would have been fighting for the same bit of road.

About three turns after that I was still a bit miffed that I nearly hit a car so I had slowed down a bit, but not too much. I miss judged a corner and by the time I realised my only hope was to slam on my back brake and try skidding around the corner. Failed and skidded about 5m along the ground, across the other side of the road, stopping 2 foot away from a dry stone wall. Again about 5 seconds after I got up another car came around the corner. If I had been a few moments later I would have been under the car!
( bobzarkoff, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 23:34, Reply)

Metros then
They're bloody light vehicles. Being the likely lad I am, I favour running the things as fast and as dangerously as possible.

Because I'm invincible, natch.

So I hit a bend at an awkward angle, coming up a hill, car swerves across the road, drifts into the verge, rolls up it and then flips end-to-end down it.

Screaming my lungs out I end up upside down. I look at my girlfriend who's as terrified as I and say:

"Well, that fucks my insurance for next year."
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Thu 25 Nov 2004, 23:26, Reply)

of death and stuff.....
Jan '03, I'm on my way to an appointment on a saturday morning, in my nice shiny Fiat Punto (which was 6 months old....) and I'm tootling along the country lanes, slow as you like beacuse it was January, it was cold and there was ice, came to the bend, turned the wheel...nothing, nada,zilch, the wheel wouldn't turn, the car wouldn't brake either, I'd driven onto a patch of black ice, and slid off the road. I ended up upside down in a field... (memo to self...next time, when upside down in a field, and you go to release the seatbelt remember Gravity!) and the car was written off. Then there was the time I was on a coach coming back from Alton Towers or somewhere like that, at the back, fast alseep, when the tyre that is underneath the bus where I'm sat decides to explode... 'What the fuck was that?' i ask as i wake up.... the little children on the bus learnt a new word that day.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 25 Nov 2004, 23:14, Reply)

years ago,at the old house
we had just gotten an antenna lead for the rumpus room and i had the job of plugging it all in.now,the socket was above my head and i had to strain to reach it and when i had just gotten the damn thing in,I decided to open my mouth and inspect my work.This is the point where the METAL plug fell into my mouth,effectivly running a shitload of volts through me.

A few years ago,I was running through the kitchen with a big knife when i tripped.the knife landed point down about 3 cm away from my neck.eep!

and finally,my brother was in a car crash with my grandma in 1997 where she had a chunk taked out of her leg and my brother had a few scratches on his knee.If he had been restig his head on the door he probably would have lost it!
(That guy with a hat., Thu 25 Nov 2004, 23:04, Reply)

emadex
quote : I wish...
...just once, one of my patients would wake up and say "You absolute bastard...you saved me just as I was getting stoned with Buddha and Jesus before heading off to Allah's place to shag 72 virgins"

if i ever wake up in a theatre i will say this just to see the look on whoevers face...

be just my luck they'd say "ok then" and pull the plug....
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 23:02, Reply)

ouch
tripping in a 11kv (thats 11,000 volts) transformer, blew the front of the panel off and took me with it bout 30 feet. Bruised and brown trousered

come off me motorbike a couple of times, not too near death just fu##in hurt lots

oh, and my mate wrote his car off, with me in it - ended up in a field, the car was still on the road - seat belts people, seat belts....
that one got me a broken arm
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 22:36, Reply)

Antibiotics
When I was given penicillen as a small child my throat swelled up and I developed a horrible rash. How pathetic is that? Who nearly dies of antibiotics? I might as well have been the overweight asthmatic kid who read books at playtime and started playing Dungeons and Dragons in later life.

Shit...
(SusK, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 22:24, Reply)

Dirty Harry Goes To Bangkok
Got hit by a Volvo on my paper round as a lad - bike got bent in half, I bounced over the bonnet, off the windscreen and landed in the gutter, smacking my head on the kerb, but got up and walked away without a scratch. Volvo driver nearly had a heart attack tho...

More recently I was in Bangkok and walking along the road with some friends when I see a guy legging down the street directly toward us. My attention is then drawn to the Thai copper who is chasing him and as I watch the cop strikes the classic pose with the huge dirty harry style gun he's packing and screams the Thai equivalent of "FREEZE M#THERF#CKER"!!

The problem from my point of view is I am directly in the line of fire of said hand cannon and the guy looks like he is about to fire. Like a rabbit in a cars headlights I just stood there, hardly able to believe my eyes. The cop must have then decided to try and arrest the fleeing guy instead of blowing him away and settled for firing in the air over our heads. The Thai crim sensibly stopped and gave himself up, we went off and got very drunk.
(SheepFiddler, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 22:20, Reply)

Near Death........Been There Done That!
I dont know if I'm just unlucky or if someone up there has it in for me,

Just how near is NEAR?

I had my first proper "Near Death Experience",

As in "Sorry mate, thats your lot" when I was only 16.

While skin diving at a place called St Abbs,
trying to lever a large lobster from its home in an underwater crevice, upside down, feet up on the roof, pulling hard,(insert your own joke here!)
and .........Shit!
Rockfall !
Me, green as grass to the diving thing ,
Lost my mouthpiece,
Trapped by falling rocks and promptly gulped down what was rather too much North Sea.

(I dont even like lobster!)

Fortunately, A N Other diver
(Dave, to who I am obviouslly still indebted to) Who was near to where it happened, managed to get me free and to the shore and I was quite literally, pumped out and "kiss of lifed", back to life,(no tongues,honest!)

Having actually been Dead...!
Drowned,
Full hit ,
Flatline,
No pulse,
No Heartbeat,
Full on F****ed!
No lights at the end of tunnel or any of that...........!
Just an "Oh Shit" sense of panic and the memory of the metallic taste in my mouth on that one ,

Yes There's More.

Three years and numerous high speed motorbike crashes later...................

I worked out that the sense of slow motion thing was actually your body pumping more and more adrenaline to your brain to help it deal with what can safely be defined as an

EMERGENCY!

I'm not even telling you about the electric shocks!

Too many close calls to even list.

Then of course there was the Hang Gliding incident!
Sennen Cove near Pollpero in Cornwall,
Me ,
Big gang of Biker mates,

Ten minutes verbal instruction
(it was a long time ago)
on how to do this,
that,
and land.
"Who's First?" the geezer say's,

Why was everyone looking at me?

"Sounds easy mate!
I'll have a bit of that".
Shitting it really.

Two hundred feet high Cliff.

Great fun................Nothing like the feeling when you run off a cliff for the first time with a few bits of scaffold pipe and some canvas on your back
(well, looking back, thats what it was really)

superb sensation,
fantastic view,
really,really great!
What was it he said about not banking too tighly on the turns...........?

PLUMMET!

Oh Yes !
"Dont bank too tightly on the turns kids,You know it makes sense!

Broken leg ,three ribs, sprained wrist and, Never,I mean NEVER will you get me up on one of those things again.

Last one......................WELL I HOPE?

Five years ago ,BAD Pain...No.

BAD,BAD Pain,in guts.

I'm so tough!
(read STUPID!,
Pain is gods way of saying "your not well,no really, the more it hurts,like hell ,the more your probably not well).

Ignored the cumulating pain for four days before going to casualty!

Twisted Illium,

(Basically your small intestine tries to make one of those little balloon animals that those crap street entertainers do.)
Rushed straight to theater for an emergency operation .
Massive Scar from groin to midchest where some geezer had both his hands and a meccano set inside me.

Told post surgery that I was VERY,VERY lucky to be alive, He said I was a couple of hours off of Peritonitus and would not have survived .
Massive section of necrotic bike inner tube removed full of nasty's,

Dont even ask me about the old guy on the recovery ward who thought it was still during the war and kept trying to "escape".
I woke up on the second night being pulled out of bed by the various drains, catheters and iv tubes that were attached to the stand that he was climbing up, having crawled around the ward under the beds,

The bit that really got me about that was, I was fully paid up in BUPA and my operation could have bought my Private Surgeon a nice new BMW, if only I'd gone to the slightly further down the road private hospital,
rather than the local casualty..........!
Oh well ,I'll remember next time.

Dont talk to me about Near Death Experiences,
I've shit 'em.
(The Return of The Mack, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 21:43, Reply)

Toasted!
I was workin a gig a couple of years back, doing a bit of roadie works to pay the bills. During the concert the lampy asked me to go and check the setting of one of the dimmer packs. I helpfully make my way through the crowd and up to the dimmer, huridly tap through the menu and find the setting needed, then brush my had against the casing.

Next thing i know im lieing in the middle of the stage, halfway through the main act, with the queen coverband looking concerned and the "Freddy" asking if i was ok. I don't know what scared me more, getting 415 volts from a dodgy dimmer, or waking up, thinking im dead, surronded by a poor cover band.
(reasonablyfamous, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 21:40, Reply)

I have a friend...
...who used to drive a battered old Volvo 340 1.7L. Now, being a bit of a petrolhead he had (and still has) a tendency to drive like Colin Mcrae all the time and one particular way he gets his thrills is to go as fast as possible round sharp bends in the road.

One day he tried this but he hugged the side of the road too much and ended up with the tires going into the gutter and as a result of him wrestling to get them out again, the car kind of leapt into the air into the path of an oncoming Transit van.
Fortunately, he managed to regain control and swerve out of the way but just for a second I saw my life flashing in front of my eyes and I shat myself.
(Mr Slippyfist, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 21:17, Reply)

wasted
as some kind of moronic 14 year old i decided i wanted to get wasted only i had about a fiver, so decided to go n get that cheap shit vodka you get from sone weirdos house and preceeded to cane the whole fuckin bottle! an hour later and i aint got a clue who i am, where i live and speakin cantonese to some bloke who was many years older than me who then took offence and beat shit into me!

dont you just love vodka!!!
(passing out in a field and waking up with nothing on, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 21:14, Reply)

Stupid kids, stupid parents
My friend and I were walking along the near-empty corridor in the upper level of a shopping mall, and saw a boy probably about 3 1/2, playing alone by the railing overlooking the lower level. He climbed the railing, peered over the top, and started to tip over. I have never moved so quickly in my life! I dashed over, grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him back, putting him on the floor. He looked at me for a moment, I thoughthe was going to cry, but then he just ran into the nearest store where, presumably, his oblivious mother was looking at glass baubles and trinkets while her son tried to kill himself.

Since then (this happened in 1999) I still have a fear of heights and panic when I see people sitting on or leaning over railings.
(ghettobooty, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 21:05, Reply)

You see, you all have these really funny cool stories
what do i have? Do i die by nearly drowning while saving children from sharks? does my parachute jam for a minute, but then open just in time? nope. Do i fend off a thousand evil henchmen, throw the bad guy to the snake pit and jet pack away? fuck off i do anything that fun. I wake up caked in my own vomit, and realise that i coulda died, in a mates bed, at 15, a virgin and with mucus and bile all over my face. The only thing to die that day was my dignity.
(lifelikeandposeable, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 20:47, Reply)

when i was 3,
i had just gotten a little box of sunmaid raisins from my grandma, who was in a place on the second storey of a building. i started down the flight of outdoor stairs, which went from her door down to the ground - only i slipped after two steps, and was hurled at great speeds directly into the concrete below. my family, who had only had time to blink during this event, were suddenly looking at what appeared to be a dead infant. i got carted off to the hospital where they x-rayed my head..
amazingly there was no damage done, except for a giant blue bruise on one half of my face, which lasted for a few weeks, and an intense dislike of raisins, which lasted for 16 years.*

*(now 23, i like the little bastards just fine.)
(harmless kitty, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 20:43, Reply)