Acupuncture
A particularly attractive friend of mine wasn't doing very well at quitting smoking cold turkey so on a recommendation thought she'd try some alternative methods. She went to the acupuncturist and, after charging her a hefty sum of money he asked her to go behind the screen and strip down to her underwear and then sit down on the table.

She did as she was told as this guy was supposedly a professional, and sat on the table. The acupuncturist then proceeded to put a single needle into each wrist...why she had to strip down for that i don't know??? There was no need for that, pervert.
(J-Form, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 11:01, Reply)

Kidney stones
It was after my fiancee` died of cancer. I had been working a year-long residency that ended in time for me to take care of her the last two months, although tight on money.

Despite the fact she left me enough to survive on, after she died, my family decided to move me (at age 36) from Chicago to NW Indiana to live with them (I was too dazed to protest). After moving half my things down there to go into storage, they promise to come help me move the rest and, of course, never do.

I move New Years Eve night on my own to make it out on time with only my buddy from high school, who is sick, talking to me on my cel phone to keep me calm and sane. I drive thru Chicago at 2 a.m. avoiding drunks in a borrowed van that sways oddly because it is overloaded.

I end up trapped at the folks with no way to print out resumes or find a decent job, and my mother keeps trying to get me to apply for crap minimum-wage jobs so I can stay near them.

One day after using the bathroom, I feel pain in my side. I figure it's my bowels acting up again, but it gets worse. I call my doctor, whose nurse says to go to the hospital (like I haven't seen to much of them already). I call the friend to drive me there and take a Vicodin from my late fiancee's things (I *knew* they'd come in handy), but it's still bad, and when we're the only vehicle on a long stretch, some idiot backs out of their drive in front of us (my friend said he knew it was bad when I leaned over and laid on the horn).

The registering nurse is patronizing, telling me not to hyperventaliate or I'll pass out (sounds good to me).
Finally they wheel me into a room and give me a painkiller (which helps only a bit because they're not sure if I have a kidney stone yet). I'm sitting there in my sleepwear, clutching the insurance card, rosary and picture of my fiancee -- the three things I thought to grab. The doctors and nurses have filed out, leaving me with my friend, when I notice the Muzak. I ask my friend if he recognizes the song they've chosen to pipe into the emergency room.

It was "Live & Let Die" by Wings.

And as if that was not uncalled for (we harassed the nurse about it), when they wheel me in for the cat scan, one tech looks VERY familiar. I thought I it might be the drugs, so I show the other tech the photo of my fiancee, and she confirms it. The first tech is (excuse the pun) a dead ringer for my late fiancee.

There was no need for that.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 5:43, Reply)

ball bag boil
For some reason had a boil/spot emerge on the back of my ball bag.

anyhow, had a 1st date and the company was very forth-coming with her enthusiasm for giving oral pleasure obvious (god bless cheap sluts!).

After a few beers she is invited back to my place and no surprise what happens next.

anyhow, during some enthusiastic movement she manages to make the spot split and all sorts of pus is ejected!

so i am left with a touch-on with her making excuses and leaving (and my sack covered in pus!).

whats the 'no need', well the fucker healed over and then resumed the swollen painful size it was previous within a day or so!!!
(HomerJH, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 1:06, Reply)

cotton ear
my mum and dad went on a holiday together before us three lovely kids were born to the alps and did some ski-ing, now knowing my mum i was suprised to hear she didnt fall down a precipice of something....

so suviving the holiday seemed nearly so true only a day to go and money left over my dad was happy, but being near a religious place there were lots of church bells that rang very early in the morning. to drown out the sound my mother decided to stuff her ears with cotton wool.

flash to morning, cotton stuck in ears all te way down canal and dad has to call out doctor to remove them.. charge 50 quid to pour hot water in them... all the money they had left.

no need for that mother and expensive swiss doctor!
( squiddylyd Once you pop you can't stop!, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 0:43, Reply)

...
to play along with the game I'll post it tmrw, allowing someone to say...
(Lannes, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 0:33, Reply)

bollock swing
Having built a rather good rope swing a gang of us decided to all swing on it at once. With me on the base, by bollocks squeezed against the stick and the rope in ever increasing pain as more people piled on.
The inevitable happened with the rope breaking, me landing in a massive pile of stinging nettles with a mass of bodys lumped on me... There was no need for that. Oh, then I rubbed some chilli on my cock and the ice cream van went by with its music playing and a swan bit me....
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 23:34, Reply)

adding injury to insult
I went to see a friend of mine (whom I fancied a bit at the time) at a club. I was a nervous wreck, I got a bit pished and pretty much asked said friend if he fancied me. He politely and gently turned me down, and I was really embarrassed. I left the club to go see my friend at another club.

On the way, a garbageman walked backwards right into me and knocked me down. I skinned both my knees and one palm, and the garbageman yelled at me.

I ran off and burst into tears.

I got to the 2nd club a bloody, crying mess and sought comfort from my friend. He said "could you wait a while? I'm trying to get with that girl over there," and buggered off, leaving me alone and crying in a club where I knew no one.
(emgee, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 23:11, Reply)

i got paralytic
and pissed the bed, at a mates house, on his sofa, in his living room, his mum found it, and told my parents........... On my part there was probably no need for the pint of vodka, after the 6 pints of beer, but there was certainly no need for the bitch to tell my parents
(fwack bang on it, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 20:10, Reply)

My entire existence.
Sometimes.
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 17:49, Reply)

No Knee-ed
Cut my legs off in frustration thorough reading about exams. Boo fucking hoo. Burn you bastards.
(carlspick profile? Dunne, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 17:35, Reply)

Ah, just thought of another one...
Many years ago, my Nan died, in not the most pleasant way possible.

For the funeral we had a humanist minister (read: thankfully not religious). He was an idiot.

He got my Nan's name wrong. Well, to give more detail, he used her given name "A", rather than the one everyone used, "B". I didn't even know that "B" wasn't her real name until after she died. I think some people at the funeral wondered if they were at the right one.

He then said that my Nan and her first husband (my Mum's Dad) had separated. Perhaps "been separated" would have been a better phrase - my grandfather died of a heart attack after laying paving slabs. My Mum was only 8. Naturally, she was somewhat upset about this cock-up, not to mention the name thing.

At the end I saw my Nan's second husband, who I know as my Grandad (ex-army captain, trained Gurkhas, still fits into his uniform despite being in his 70s) pinioning the minister against a wall and having some rather strong words with him.

There _was_ need for that.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 17:14, Reply)

Baiting Fans Of Shite Bands
Mod Edit: We have enough problems with trolls here and don't want to encourage trolling other sites. Particularly with a direct link leading back to us for any retaliation.
(littleben hasn't anything funny to put here, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 16:33, Reply)

Bette fucking Midler
Fucking hate Bette fucking Midler. She fucking plagues my dreams. With her big, over sized fucking face. She has the acting skills of virginal discharge. If rape had a voice it would sound like Bette fucking Midler. It makes me sick to think there is a possibility, no matter how small, that I could have, at some point, touch something that she once touched. Or drank water that had once past through her vile and purulent insides. I don't care if this is off topic. I don't care if the spelling is shit. I don't care if I sound strange/ disturbed. I HATE BETTE FUCKING MIDLER! And you should too. There is EVERY fucking need to bring the used tampon that is Bette Midler Down.
(Jeeves, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 16:32, Reply)

oh the pain
Some sort of party thing a year or so ago. New Year's, birthday, Christmas, weekend, Friday, something like that. Had just suffered the indignity of being told my girlfriend had gone off with my best mate.

Figured it couldn't get worse. Attended the party and decided to go get ratarsed with some other mates.

Several beers down and needing a piss. The women's toilets are blocked (it was a massive concert hall type thing we'd hired) and so I wandered into the gents, which was mysteriously empty.

A split second after I opened the cubicle door, I heard a panicked 'no don't come in here!' followed by an image which will be forever burned into my mind.

My ex, sat naked on the toilet, with my mate wanking furiously in her face.

'Don't worry' slurred the ex. 'She's seen it all before'

Yes.
(sporky, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 16:30, Reply)

Ceremonies
Went to a cousin's wedding in Newcastle area. I don't usually care for family occasions, as I hate awkwardly chatting with most of my distant aunties & uncles who happen to know everything about me because they're a million old, and tell the same wanky jokes that they did when I was a kid, and I didn't find them funny then.

So, as predicted, I was wandering awkwardly through the bar after the wedding, (where me and my dad, did the old "forbidden laugh" thing, where you find the slightest thing absolutely fucking hilarious in silent situations and just laugh each other because we're both laughing, and forget what we were laughing about in the first place, nearly bursting onto fellow pew warmers in the church) and met up with my family, and promptly it was announced that the meal was about to served in the dining room. This was about 4 o'clock, and everyone had been drinking since about 1ish, on empty stomachs. Therefore my Dad was a bit pissed, and getting into the mood of "Embarrass everyone you meet".

So waiting in the line to get in to the dining room, my sister says, "Hold my pint, I need to goto the toilet", and I says, "ok" and she wanders off. Didn't notice I was 3 people away from greeting the bride and groom with 2 pints in my hands. So I say to my dad, "Dad, hold one of these pints a sec", and I shake my cousins hand, and proceed to kiss the bride on the cheek, leaning forward in the process.

I came back, noticing my pint felt lighter. I looked down at the bride's dress and yeah, you guessed it, i had spilt 3/4 of my pint of snakebite all down her white wedding dress.

Thing is, bride hadn't noticed, until my dad pipes up, howling, "HAHAHAHAH!!! You idiot, you spilt your pint all down her dress!!!"

Was there any fucking NEED for that?!

Cue me turning claret in embarrassment and her turning claret in anger. She runs off crying to the toilet while I scamper away sheepishly, while my Dad is doubled over on the floor, laughing sadistically. Haven't spoken to said Cousin's wife since. Or rather, she hasn't spoken to me.

That was also the weekend my engine decided to fuck itself up, costing me about 700 quid. No, fucking, need.

my penis is massive.
(1.21 Gigawatts, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 15:05, Reply)

Bastard medical students
I work as a doctor in a crappy hospital in Scotland. I'm currently having a particularly busy (therefore bad) day. I'm on my lunchbreak currently and decided to head down to canteen for a sandwich and a coffee with a mate. As we get to the counter my friend (also a doctor) gets bleeped and disappears. Thinking that he's just gone to answer the phone I kindly buy a sandwich and a coffee for him too. 20 mins pass and there's no sign of my colleague and I'm sat alone at my table, surrounded by urine soaked elderly folk in pork pie hats. Just when I think it can't get any worse, one of the medical students walks past and says, "Got no friends, eh?"

There was no need for that.

Fucker.
( blindmelon, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 14:05, Reply)

I was
at home last year one evening, on the receiving end of some rather good oral pleasure off my gf, when my border collie dog casually ambles over, licks my nob and walks off.
- There was definitley no need for that as it ruined the moment.

There was also no need for my mates upon hearing the story, to call me 'Dogs Nob' for several months afterwards .

:|
(nappy rash, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 14:02, Reply)

There really was no need...
for a big black doctor, with HUGE fingers to decide that the fact i was delerious with pain, holding my appendix area, going mad when he prodded it and vomiting bile as after 5 hrs of being sick there was nothing left to be sick bar my pelvis may not actually have been appendicitis and so he needed to stick his fingers up my arse to check whether i really did have appendicitis or not esp as non of my frineds had that done when they had it removed

Could have been worse tho- after losing my brown wings at least i had appendicitis... every cloud :)
(Keyser Soze, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 13:39, Reply)

There is no need for.....
The current crop of students to bitch and moan about the fact they have exams to do. We have all done them and most of us did them when you didnt get an A* for spelling your name. I mean what the fuck is the added * for, loada bollocks thats what.

"I had 3 hours sleep then had to start some coursework to be in by lunchtime" Then you are a dick, may I suggest planning your school work around your social life.

Shut the fuck up and revise, they are over in a fornight and then you get 3 months off - Wait until you have to work for a living, now that is something there really is no need for.

Ode to be a student again.
(Taco Tickler, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 12:21, Reply)

no need
i have no need for slugs

no need whatsoever

....................................................vote:.........................."I like this!"............. NOW!
(riedacher_bertram, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 10:50, Reply)

The Riddlers
I was travelling as a backpacker on the hottest most uncomfortable bus in the Vietnam. I was suffering from the worse hangover ever, me and my mate sat at the back inbetween 4 extremely fat and very annoying New Zealand nurses.

They decided to pass the three hour journey by telling each other riddles. The first being -

"What is greater than god, more evil than the devil and if you eat it you will die."

We knew the answer was "nothing", immediately.

It took them 2 hours before they got it!
(noggin, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 10:10, Reply)

Careful now
My Granddad was pretty ill with prostate cancer, and he decided that he wasn't going to drive anymore. Earlier in his life he'd decided that my Grandmother, in addition to being forbidden to have a job, was to be forbidden learning to drive: so he gave his car to my Dad.

My Dad really liked this car, and was going to sell our crumbly Passat and use this high-end Vauxhall. My Gramps had my Dad over, had dinner and then saw him off, patting the top of the car.

"Take good care of it son"

He wrote it off at the second roundabout that he came to.
( Martini? What is this? 1972?! (steveee), Wed 22 Jun 2005, 9:59, Reply)

one of many childhood mishaps
When I was eight years old, my family visited the Netherlands. We spent one day on a group bicycle tour of the countryside (riding crappy rented bikes, of course). On some godforsaken Dutch road about ten miles from anything at all, a maniac motorist come along and-- from what the rest of the group (read: witnesses) reported-- intentionally forced me off the road, resulting in a rather embarassing fall down a steep hill into a ditch.

The ditch was full of stinging nettles. Hooray.
( madrabbit is fully prepared, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 9:00, Reply)

Well, this would qualify....
www.simoncornwell.com/urbex/hosp/ch/e130702/94.htm

Surely shock treatment would be enough!
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 8:50, Reply)

Eeuughhh!
I've just bought an MX-5 and I've discovered that driving long distances on a busy motorway with the roof down gives you ENORMOUS bogeys!!






No need for that
(The voices told me to do it, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 8:40, Reply)

In retrospect, my gramps was quite awesome.
When I was a wee lass, my grandfather kicked the bucket (as grandfathers are wont to do). I was quite close to my gramps and was devastated. At the funeral, I was removed for "making too much noise.", which was rough enough. There was, however, no need for my pops to tell me later on that my gramps actually died in the arms of a hooker.

Bastard.
(mahasoor, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 0:03, Reply)

The system... is down...
I have a data entry job at the university book store. I sort through books and articles given to me by profs, and I find out all the copywrite info about them and organize the articles into a book, which students can then buy for cheap. I work with another woman who enjoys comparing me to her nine year old son. As I'm a 20 year old girl, this is odd.

Anyway, I had just been given a really bad pack- the articles were photocopied and cut up into slips, things were missing or out of order, I had to even go to the library (across campus) and get some of the books for myself. There was no need for it to be so badly put together.

Anyway, after working on this stupid thing from 9 in the morning until almost 3 in the afternoon, I'm about to send the whole thing off to the printer.

That is, of course, when I hear my co-worker say "What does this error message mean?"

The stupid cow had locked the database in a loop. This froze up, not just her computer, but the entire system. There was no need for that.

My boss, who thinks I'm a computer genius because I know that hitting enter does the same thing as clicking "OK," tries to reboot the system.

When she finally gets it rebooted, all the files for the upcoming school year, a couple THOUSAND, were GONE.

There was NO FUCKING NEED for that.
(dragonrose, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 23:33, Reply)

Middlesbrough Fest on sunday
Middlesbrough Music live, sunday 19th. Awesome lineup, all-dayer, free, local...
What more could I ask for?

My F*ckin mates to hurry up so we'd catch the train. I got there in time (by about 10 mins). They didn't. No matter, we got the bus in the end. It took ages to get us there, but no matter.

Okay, so i'm listening to some fantastic bands (Louie are brilliant). I'm having a load of fun, and everythings going well. What more could I ask for?

People to please not fracture my toe in a pit for Fastlane. Mind you , I didn't notice it was actually fractured until later.

Later that day, I was mentally chanting that timeless old festival mantra - I need an aspirin!!! . This came from getting kicked in the head by a careless crowdsurfer. Gah! That headache stuck with me all damn day.

Well, to round off my day, I got a fag burn on my arm. The worst of it was that I got one last year at this very fest, during 80's matchbox's set.

And then, coz of the headache i went home early. Missing my favourite locals the Hitchers. Dammit!

However, it did have it's uppoints...
Robochrist pretended to be a faith healer during a song, brought his own crowdsurfers who jumped onto us, and then left the stage with the sound part of the werthers originals advert playing, tactfully edited in places -"I never forgot the day when Granddad gave me his buttock"...

Class!
(chinesechipmunk, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 23:16, Reply)