I bet Kimye's wedding night is going to be somewhat subdued
knowing they've been trumped at the newstand by Elliot Rodgers.
(mankwhistle, Sun 25 May 2014, 10:57, 4 replies)

I was all set to have sex with this girl I met in a bar when my girlfriend came round unexpectedly
That's how she found out she was my girlfriend.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 25 May 2014, 10:28, 2 replies)

Hi Elliot Rodger here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KP62TE1prs
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Sun 25 May 2014, 9:50, 3 replies)

I had no friends, no girls'd hug me
til I got radioactive ugly
(spanishfly 2, Sat 24 May 2014, 23:22, 3 replies)

Ladies and gent's, may I introduce my left hand.
Thank you all very much.
( PooPants, Sat 24 May 2014, 23:00, Reply)

I once lived in a shared house, and was quietly watching TV on my own. Now, one of the residents was a girl - let's call her 'A' as I can't remember her name - who had taken pity on a girlfriend of hers(let's call her 'B'.. my imagination's sparking today) who had no place to go, and so was temporarily living on A's floor.

So there I was, when girls A & B came into the room, both giggling manically. 'A' said: my boyfriend's coming over.. can B sleep with you tonight? I hadn't spoken much to girl B before, but she had nice looking boobs. Before I knew it I heard myself say "er, well, I don't know, I er.." at which they giggled their way out of their room to ask one of the other lads in the house instead. Only 5 seconds after they'd left did it dawn on me that just maybe she wouldn't have been sleeping on my floor all night.. and I probably could have changed the sheets before she came up to make it habitable. I'll never know..
(anonybloke, Sat 24 May 2014, 17:50, Reply)

Hello, ladies.
After all those years, I strode back into my old local, the ink barely dry on my Ph. in Poon Subjugation from the University of George!town (it's like a regular doctorate only they give you the Ph. and you give them the D), and immediately spotted my next conquest propping up the bar and clearly just waiting for me to arrive.

Beginning the special breathing exercises I learned during my Ph. to overcome the fear of actually talking to a real woman, I sidled up to the bar and coughed discreetly to ensure this fine specimen's attention was drawn to my polo shirt, exclusively embossed in gold with the logo "PUA". She was not slow to respond.

"Pooer? I hope you're not trying to say you want to take a dump on me."

Needless to say, I was quick to put the record straight and let her know what she was in for:

"No no, love, it's nothing like this. This polo shirt -" underscored with a wink for good measure "is issued only to certified fanny rats."

"Eurgh! You're not putting rodents anywhere near my fanny. Fuck off, you freak!"

Luckily for me, I knew from my years of training that this was Woman Code for "Terribly sorry to disappoint you, but I was in fact born without any external genitalia, like a Barbie doll, and besides, I'm asexual, and even if I did have a libido, I'd be a lesbian, so I'm biologically immune to your evident studliness."

Safe in the knowledge that this time obviously didn't count and that my record would remain untarnished, I drove home and stripped off my polo shirt, put on some banging tunes and did a power posedown in front of my bedroom mirror just to show myself that I was definitely The Man and that the next poon I met would be gagging to be subjugated.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sat 24 May 2014, 17:48, 8 replies)

What's sex?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 24 May 2014, 16:31, 14 replies)

shared a house at uni with two girls
I'm male and they were both attractive.

I didn't know H or L before I moved in but we got on great and I started going out with one of L's friends. She was a nice girl and there was definite chemistry, but was going through an extended Christian Union phase, so I wasn't allowed past second base. I stuck it out for a few weeks before deciding that 'tops but no bottoms' was a load of teenage nonsense and since I was now 20 I didn't have to put up with it. So I proved my maturity by ignoring and avoiding the poor girl. My housemate L declared she was staying out of the drama and the three of us carried on with cosy nights in watching a video just like before.

H's parents owned the place, and she had the biggest bedroom by a factor of about six, with the only double bed in the house. She also got a DVD player for Christmas and rigged it up in her room. One night soon after we were sat in there companionably watching a film. Then the three of us got in H's bed for warmth. Then L got tired and went to her own room. H and I got to talking and I told her why I'd spurned L's friend.

I was still fairly wet behind the ears and was a bit surprised that H didn't take the girl's side or lambast me for being a typical bloke with one thing on his mind. Instead she looked thoughtful as we snuggled under her duvet. "Hmmm" she said, thoughtfully, "I know how you feel. I'm not getting any of that either with my boyfriend living 150 miles away".

We looked at each other ruefully. I patted her on the shoulder in a matey way. "Oh well" I said stupidly, "I'm off to bed".

"You can sleep here if you like", she offered.

"Nah, you're all right, I'll sleep better in my own bed. Night-night!" I proclaimed, and left.

I was so stupid I didn't even realise what I'd passed up when H blew off the serious long-distance relationship two weeks later and got a new boyfriend. I just wondered what she saw in the new bloke when she could have done a lot better.

Oh well.
(slowly play it cool, Trig, Sat 24 May 2014, 14:26, 11 replies)

straight out of a porn flick
Every time I visited the pizza place, I'd joke with the delivery boys, both of whom were 'jock' types and wouldn't have looked out of place in a Calvin Klein advert. I never for the life of me imagined that I had a chance, or that they were anything other than straight. Then, one evening, I ordered a delivery and the cute blond winked at me and said, "If you give me a bigger tip, I could slip you some meat with the next one..."

"No thanks, I'm vegetarian," I said, and closed my door.

Five minutes later I was groaning and I still wince about it ten years later. He was gorgeous. I never saw him again. His Uncle, who owns the place, will only say that he "fell in with a bad crowd".
(lonerwolf, Sat 24 May 2014, 12:59, 4 replies)

I went to see a friend's band last night
I fancied their drummer. She did not fancy me.

FIN
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Sat 24 May 2014, 11:17, 14 replies)

I think I'm doing it right.
Many many years ago I served with the RFW 157th Plonkers.
Now this was back in the day when they didn't allow girlies and nancyboys to be members of His Royal Highnesses Armed Forces. We were often away from our families for months at a time on passive duty or just performing exercises so our conjugal arrangements became quite regimented. We had a couple of chappies in our midst who despite loving their wives a great deal were right proper bugger-boys. So of an evening after a busy day of wandering semi-deserted streets, if it was your allotted time and day you had the choice of laying with Francis or Stephen. It was that or some vigorous onanism whilst visiting the latrine pit.
Many in our motley crew enjoyed the delicious delights of young Stephen's mouth and the skill with which he used it to bring about a lingering and pleasant climax. It was said of Stephen that he could quite easily start one of the old diesel Cruisers by sucking on it's exhaust pipe! And as the chief mechanic in our platoon this was somewhat fitting.
Some of the more discerning of us chose the company of Franny. With a slighter build and a smaller frame Francis was most definitely the more effeminate of the two and thus easily the more alluring and as the tracker of our group there was little chance of losing him. The sensuousness of stroking the downy hair on his pert white buttocks was just immeasurable and quite beyond compare. And the utter delights to be beheld when he spread those cheeks makes me shudder with anticipation to this very day.

During a particularly hard posting in some Eastern European place we found ourselves patrolling through an urban environment built upon the ancient ruins of a castle and surrounding moat. This was our area to deploy to and control. Fortunately on the day we came across no violence or opposition. Since there was a lul in the proceedings I chose to steal a few moments with Francis and enjoy some much needed manual relief near the old water-course. He had been busy all morning following trails in the fresh snow and as he manipulated me in his soft, tender hands he reported that all the trails seemed to lead to the gates and nowhere else. Whilst we were obliging each other Francis exclaimed, "Bugger me!". "Actually it's usually one or the other." I purred into his bobbing ear.
Just as I was approaching my explosive jizz-plosion he panted at me - "No lieutenant, "I've just noticed another trail through the snow. Leading right up to where the water was!".

And that's when I realised that I had a piste in my own moat.
(mankwhistle, Sat 24 May 2014, 8:18, 4 replies)

We had an episode of love making scheduled.
We usually tried to get it done once a week, and it usually consisted of a little bit of fingering and an expeditious missionary pump. Not terribly exciting and she had started to come to bed later and later, perhaps in the hope that I would have fallen asleep.
Screw it, I said to myself, I've got start being more self-sufficient. I rediscovered the joys of wanking and have never had to wait for, bribe, cajole, go to unreasonable lengths to please or otherwise persuade a partner since.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sat 24 May 2014, 1:22, 2 replies)

I faked an orgasm, once.
I was tired, we'd been at it for a while, and I'd had enough. She didn't seem to mind.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 23 May 2014, 21:46, 7 replies)

Andi Peters

(Andrew Avetoom, Fri 23 May 2014, 20:37, 1 reply)

A cold rainy Saturday in November
In my girlfriend's room at university. First years, miles away from parents, we'd recently discovered the noble tradition of fucking like rabbits. We'd had a nice afternoon doing some shit or other, heading back to hers before dinner. She wanted to shower before eating, and suggested I join her for some fun. Communal bathrooms, so a nice bit of risk added to the situation.

However, being Saturday afternoon, I had one eye on the clock. As it was approaching quarter to five, I knew the time was near - sports report on radio 5, and the final scores. "Go ahead" I told her, "I'll join you in five - that way no-one will know we're in together". Took ages to get to the final scores. Just as they were reading them out for our division, about 15 minutes later, she stormed back in, dripping (not in a good way), and kicked me out.

It was 1997, I had to wait till the next day to find out the result.

We lost.
(oafcmetty Lurking since, Fri 23 May 2014, 20:09, 2 replies)

psychochomp, until he met that sex worker when he was 29

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 23 May 2014, 19:43, 2 replies)

I hear that popular forum member broadsword likes breasts.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 23 May 2014, 19:37, 3 replies)

ways i've blown it
falling downstairs, falling asleep, throwing up, breaking my arm, slicing open my other arm by falling on a broken bottle, telling him i fancied his brother and pointing at it and laughing. to be fair, i was off my face that time, but it still wasn't a nice thing to do.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 23 May 2014, 18:18, 13 replies)

Pissed and happy, too much spazzing around tickling between intercourses, ripped banjo string.... Fin.

(Master_Slob UK minister for cultural appropriation., Fri 23 May 2014, 17:49, 2 replies)

There i was getting on with /qotw and then all of a sudden I deleted, take me ages to get the stain out.
Other news, this girl I know was having sex with her boyfriend - she was riding him hard when she emptied her rough cider filled bowels*. Stalwart swordsman never batted an eyelid until he finished. Imagine, they are now probably somebodies parents.



*I expect a "ILT" from a certain someone.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 23 May 2014, 16:34, 13 replies)

Ha!
The other one was MADE to give me my name back.

Sex, eh? Well on that front I can beat you all. Fucking back-stabbing, whippernsnackers. Let me tell you about sex.

Broke up with my "Queen of The Harpies" gf - "Painya" (you know that 1 truly fucked up relationship you have to have to understand that it was a truly fucked relationship) and the small group of (male) friends who chose her over me including my ex-business partner Dick (couple even fucked her - mmmm... slops, but already knowing what a fucked up bitch she could be my only question is "Why?").
A jizz-monkey - "Dumpster" moved in with me (gotta pay the rent... or not as was the case) who then did a runner aided by Dick.
My besty Ron-as-in-Later (that was his nom de plume) then took it upon himself to nick Dick's massive pot plant as revenge for seeing his mate so royally fucked over. He then slowly sold me large bags of that stuff over several months for a very small financial outlay (I'm talking silver coins - asked no questions, he told me no lies). Ron only told me that a few years ago. He died last Dec. I miss you mate.
So - Dick I enjoyed smoking all your pot you wanker. Cheers fuck-knuckle. I hope to god you still have the misfortune of being Painya's friend/wanna-be fuck buddy (she never liked the fatties btw).
Names changed cause I put a shit-load of sugar in Dumpster's bike tank & happily watched the business I'd built up (without a lot of Dick's help) crumble to not-very much AFTER he'd bought me out.

Yeah?

Beat that.
(Rob Fairholme Ha! Fuck off. It's MY name., Fri 23 May 2014, 16:01, 28 replies)

honestly, i really have never had sex

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 23 May 2014, 15:02, 4 replies)

Has anyone hilariously misinterpreted the question and said about the time they were offered a long-necked bird normally found in coastal areas but the offer was rescinded because they performed oral sex on it?

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 23 May 2014, 14:25, 3 replies)

It took me five attempts before I realised that I had to put the rohypnol into someone ELSES drink!

( Muns, Fri 23 May 2014, 14:11, Reply)

I never get turned down for sex
mainly because I have sex with your mum
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 23 May 2014, 14:01, 6 replies)

when I was around sixteen, I and a mate went camping down the surf coast.
we ran into some girls, and managed not to repulse them. we spent the afternoon with them, and in the evening we built a fire on the beach and shared a bottle of wine one of them had brought. a dark haired girl seemed to take a shine to me and sat beside me, her legs touching mine. I couldn't believe things were going so well and was already thinking about how I was going to convince my mate to leave the tent alone to us.
It was then that I reached into the fire to turn a log over. by the the time the pain receptors in my thumb told my brain to pull my hand back, the damage had already been done. My thumb had grabbed a hot coal. I pretended like nothing had happened, but it fucking throbbed. burying it in the cold wet sand only bought partial relief. And the pain didn't go away or get better. I couldn't concetrate, I couldn't respond or enjoy anything, all I could think about was how much it hurt. No doubt she found my sudden change of behaviour from romantic to withdrawn puzzling and hurtful. And i was left regretting what might have been with that dark haired girl at the beach
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 23 May 2014, 13:54, 1 reply)

I was all set to make sexy times with a gorgeous irish gal I met on holiday
I had been staying with my mate and his mother, who lives abroad, and was heavy petting in the lounge area as his mother was out and he was taking a siesta. He awoke to catch me with her breast in my mouth and my hand down her front parts and immediately ejected me. So, I led this girl up to the roof terrace where we continued, I was getting very excited at the thought of finally entering her, and, trying to be all manly sort of picked her up and tackled her to the floor. We began kissing and sort of rolling around a bit passionately on the tiles in the hot sun, when suddenly it hit us. The stench was alarming, I had managed to land us right on a manky drain, It must have contained sewage because it fucking stank, and seemed to be magnified by the heat. Anyway, to make a short story unbearably long, we moved to the other side of the terrace and carried on, but she wouldn't let me put it in her so I had to settle for a handjob and some sticky fingers.
( Glovington, Fri 23 May 2014, 10:27, 4 replies)

honestly, i really have had sex

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 23 May 2014, 10:01, 2 replies)